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I don’t disagree with the fact that someone never has to do anything they don’t want to do. Ever. I just think saying OP needs to learn “respect” isn’t the right wording perhaps. IMO she is truly already respecting her GFs wishes. Maybe she needs to learn acceptance, tolerance, that I can agree with.
I was going to suggest ditching your verbally abusive girlfriend but you’re married. You need to sit her down and explain how her words/actions are making you feel. Why doesn’t she have a job and contribute an even 50% to everything maintaining a household entails? If she paid 50% of the rent & also did all of the cooking, most of the chores, etc. she’d have a valid point. But, it sounds like she doesn’t have many hobbies, or a healthy outlet for all of her energy, and chooses to focus in on you once you’re home from work – and not in a good way. Save your mental health and honor your feelings by letting her know how much her words and actions are hurting you.
Stop making your wife fight your battles and put your parents in timeout already! Block em until they realize they can't talk you that way anymore.
Good , you should. Your mother seems to revel in putting you in your place, whatever that means. I would definitely distance myself from such a mother. Not the rest of the family, cause uncle sounds cool if that’s any indication, just the mother. And if that really bothers her, so much the better. Good luck OP.
Get away from him. He likely goes after younger women because women closer in age to him would see through his bullshit. Men in their 30s love dating women in their 20s because they don’t have as much life experience and so it’s a lot easier to be controlling, they can get them to conform to their ideas, etc.
Leave now and don’t look back.
Well maybe that's the issue then If all the women are gorgeous but you aren't then of course you're not getting swipes. What country are you talking about?
She was my last hope of love and shit now idk ig I'll be lonely for the rest of my life ?
That could work
Strange thing is there are so many women who don't want sex. He needs to find one of those.
I will, thank you for your input!
Thank you, that’s sweet of you to say and makes me feel a bit better. I mean she really hit the nail in the head lol
From personal experience with this
only way you will ever make progress is if you say the complete truth. This makes me feel unloved and depressed and I can't continue to be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel this way. I either need to have my sexual needs meet or we need to stop being in a relationship.
It's harsh but true and the only way it will ever fix. If he is t willing to change this one simple thing then he is not marriage material as he refuses to make changes to make you happy – in the long run this will transform into other issues too.
I’m not sure if this still applies but people have been charged with attempted murder for doing exactly what your friend is doing
Your concerns dont really matter at this point. She cheated on you with her ex, you are still with her despite that fact. She still hangs out with her ex… why the hell are you still with her? Her putting effort at this point after she cheated and still hangs out with her ex is meaningless. She has no respect for you and the relationship. It seems to her this is just a fucking game. Have some self respect and walk out and make sure before you walk out to tell her the reasons why. No one should tolerate or accept a person who cheats on their life.
Most men would be making it a point to get to you're place asap! Don't stress about it I'm sure he's looking forward to that day
I know the feeling, and for us guys it's difficult….I don't have much time or money because it all goes to my kiddos, and any frivolous spending I do I worry would be taking away from them. It's hard but I'll force myself to do things I enjoy to make sure I'm happy enough to parent well, and I'd suggest you did the same
He deserves to know.
But also be prepared for it to blow up in your face. Unless there's some kind of Bro Code about banding together to get revenge on petty cheaters or something.
I didn’t see these weights until after I posted but I asked these exact questions.
“I am at a healthy weight” after 3 months of weight loss ??
That’s not even close to a relationship-breaking amount of weight for anyone that loves their partner, I’m sorry. 15lbs?? maybe 25lbs at most?
Wild. I’d take my personal growth and loss of a single (1) pants size and get the hell out.
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Being “smart” and being able to have stimulating conversations are two different skill sets, although with overlap of course. My friend is one of the smartest software engineers I know, easily makes $200k+ a year, but cannot hold a stimulating conversation about anything outside of programming.
You mentioned she’s lovely outside of her not being “smart.” At some point you’re going to find flaws in a partner or anyone that you get to know on a deep meaningful level. You’ve got to ask yourself whether you can look past the flaws or accept them for who they are. There’s not really a right answer, just what’s right for you.
You’re asking about long-term compatibility with this person, you should define with yourself what you need from your partner and then communicate that. When you say you need a partner that’s “smart”, what does is mean to you? She needs to challenge you from an academic standpoint? Needs to know Ancient Greek philosophy? Needs to know about science? Needs to read 20 mathematic books every year? Your example of her not understanding a scientific concept from a movie was… more telling about you than her to be honest. Is that the best example you have of her not being “smart”? Understanding those concepts aren’t easy.
My partner is an engineer and a history buff and talks circles around me when it comes to most things. I studied Psychology and Culinary Arts and work in nonprofit. I feel insecure about my level of intelligence compared to his, but he reassures me that we are intelligent in different areas of study.
And did you refuse to let your new partner meet your exes because they “weren't ready”?
Oh man, that was excellent. Thank you for sharing
Do it. Do it. Do it.
Pets are not “trial runs” to see if someone's behaviour improves. That poor dog will be having to endure constant verbal abuse from her if you don't remove him straight away.
Ps, I hope you're not considering children.
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1 cloth napkins 2 she’s correct. The amount of water/energy used to make paper products is immense. Using a tea towel and throwing it in the wash (I imagine with other things getting washed anyways) is an efficient use of resources/time, money and energy.
She’s a keeper
Isn’t that what “F” stand for? It requires a M&F to create a baby. Not trying to trigger anyone.
Why are you looking at her search history in the first place?
They weren't being rude, they're saying they don't want to be disloyal and trust their partner. If you don't have those basics down, you shouldn't be in a relationship.
He's probably an introvert. Social interactions wear him out and he needs to leave so he can recharge his life battery. Bars and clubs are not going to be his scene. Best to read up on introversion to get a better understanding of it. The fact that he's coming out at all is solid proof that you mean a lot to him.
Did she cheat? Lol
Pack it up bro.
Did she cheat? Lol
Pack it up bro.
Don't jump to conclusions. There are reasons for a person to be off their phone besides infidelity. My wife teaches high school, where you're not even allowed to go to the bathroom except at certain specific times, and there would be days when she was unavailable by text from like 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. Was she cheating?
That’s because she literally claims she made him wait, that’s how she talks about the time before they had sex. check out her post on marriage about it
That’s because she literally claims she made him wait, that’s how she talks about the time before they had sex. check out her post on marriage about it
Why do you think that sex is a bad thing?
Its a normal natural human desire. It's not hurting anyone as obviously it's consensual between adults.
The issue is that you have been told by your religion to feel ashamed of a natural normal desire because most religions seek to control and minupulate women. To teach that women should feel shame.
Its why most religions are harmful.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with having consensual sex between adults.
Yeah I understand…
I’m kinda weird about sharing personal info but if you don’t mind a little riddle it’s the youngest of the big three
Personally, I don’t think you did anything wrong. He is abusive and seemingly was gaslighting you. You needed to know that you weren’t the cause of the abuse, as many abusers try and make their victims feel as they are responsible for the abuse they receive at their hands. I understand fully why you did what you did, though you may not have gotten the answers and validation you were looking for which could have set you back. It sounds like she had every right to say “mean” things. Honestly, was it actually “mean” or just a reflection of how his actions made him feel? It seems to me that he is trying to use you to further abuse and gaslight her by making you defend him. You weren’t there so you don’t know everything that happened, however, if her voiced experiences are similar to yours I’d say she has a lot of validity in what she told you, more so than he does.
Please seek help. It’s not easy to leave, I know this as a forensic nurse and a survivor or domestic violence. It takes on average 9-11 attempts at leaving before a survivor can find the courage. I attempted to multiple times before I said enough was enough. The longer you stay the harder it is. You deserve better. I’ll be thinking about you.
Do the both of you a favor and just bow out. I bet this will pop up time and time again.
You are being held hostage. Is this really what you want for the rest of your life? Why did you marry her?
So why would she need to tell him about the abortion?
My dude, look up how to set boundaries and stick to them. If a “friend” has a problem with your boundaries, they are no friend at all.
I'm just very distrusting of people. It's always been a part of me. I haven't had many best friends, so I don't want to lose him
So I have recognized that I can’t hold my alcohol, and it can be a problem. When I brought that up the next day he said that wasn’t the issue, it was that I had to interject in all of his decisions and then he stone walled. I guess I’ll try the second part, he acts totally normal with everyone else, just doesn’t say anything to me unless responding to a direct question and avoids me. He has never recognized that he’s “silent” for periods of time.
Come out as monogamous and self-respecting and leave.
Whenever people say “oh he’s great besides this huge glaring thing” I’m dumbstruck. And usually the “great” thing is along the lines of “we have a similar sense of humor/he takes me on dates/he’s nice to me” as if that isn’t the baseline of what you should expect from a relationship.
I think OP is just young and inexperienced. I’ve been in that shitty relationship before where there was every reason for me to get out but I stayed cause I was so sure this was what a relationship was meant to be and couldn’t imagine anything better than someone who at least calls me their boyfriend. And then I got older and dated more and realized just how much better it can and should be. Perspective does a lot for you.
If she's paying a reasonable amount for half the bills/rent/etc it sounds legit to me. They aren't married or engaged.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this and just dont get why they would tell you if they didnt want to actually give it to you.
If he struggles to cope with anyone in his space then he should go talk to a professional about how to better deal with the real world.
While I would never ask my wife to do a paternity test on a potential child, I don't really think it's the equivalent of accusing them of cheating. That would be like saying “Getting car insurance means that you're a bad driver because you expect to crash your car”. They're not saying “I don't think this child is mine”, but “I want to be 100% sure that the child is mine, so I would like to get a paternity test for my own certainty”. Because almost everyone who ever gets cheated on 100% trusts their partner not to cheat on them, that doesn't stop them from cheating. Just like every person who gets car insurance fully expects not to get in an accident.
As I know I am overly emotional and already working on it, I would still love work on his part.
Well… that's the thing, it's his part. You can't do the work for him and if this is the “norm” for him and he doesn't see anything wrong.. there's just nothing you can do.
I understand that in your mind you expressed very firmly that you won't be talked to that way, but what you really expressed is that you can't handle conflict well, and it doesn't sound like he has the healthiest conflict habits either.
Neither of you did a good job communicating what you really wanted or felt in this conversation, I'm afraid. He shut down and then lashed out, you exploded and then both of you swept it all under the rug. There was no resolution, no compromise, no real communication or understanding reached.
Every conflict can be an opportunity to reach better understanding of each other and therefore grow closer together, and unfortunately this one was a miss.
If you want this relationship to last, I strongly recommend the two of you attend some couple's counseling to learn some better communication habits and some tools on how to listen to one another more effectively.
She’s materialistic, it’s about money and status for her. Doesn’t mean she’s a bad person, just need to consider whether she’s compatible with you—i.e., in what other areas of life this personality difference could cause strife. Cars? Houses? Clothing/fashion? Child raising? Ultimately, her satisfaction with the relationship if you are prone toward more frugality?
I custom ordered an engagement ring for my wife that she loves fiercely to this day, and it was only $1500 or so. It wasn’t even about the price, I just found someone that could make something she’d love and that’s what it came to.
Yeah miss me with that. The ring is the least important thing about a marriage. They should be focusing on the aspect that they want to be with each other for the other person’s qualities and that they can see themselves being bonded together for the length of time. It can be a damn ring pop for all it matters.
Going in with the mindset “I expect you to spend x amount on a ring if you’re going to propose to me” is really damn selfish
Do you know her love language?
And she should have done something for him. But that’s not what the question was about.
I don’t read a ton of dark romance, but I did read a popular one a few years ago with a scary noncon scene. The author writes dark romance as a way to deal with being a rape victim.
Hold up – you haven't even physically met him yet and you're stressing about choosing your job or him for marriage? You've known him long distance for 6 months. 6 months in person generally isn't long enough to be thinking about planning your entire future around marriage – nevermind someone you've never physically met.
You have zero knowledge of either of you will even be compatible with each other physically. It's wonderful that you feel like you have a strong long distance emotional bond and love for this guy. But that can be very different in person.
Let's say things do work out. Have you actually talked to him about your futures and marriage? Is the pressure to commit in your own head or is he pressuring you to commit to it? Does he want to get married as fast as you do?
You need to focus on yourself and your future. If he's truly the right person for you – he'll be there throughout your schooling. If not – well you'll find someone out there who will eventually.
Thats her getting better??? Yeah leave her asap
Shoot your shot my girl!!
Ul never know until u ask. It might hurt being rejected bt its better than always wondering and being jealous because again he isn't aware of ur feelings.
Atleast ul know. Itl be awkward for a bit but ul get over it and can move on then!
Unfortunately for us men can't read our minds and if he's anything like my husband was he's not gonna get hints or shit.
Come on!! Ur a damn Ravenclaw go for it!!
naw …. and it's not really that bad. so stop worrying.
It violates the half you age plus 7 rule.
That was one of the reasons why I wanted to end it. I had to come to terms with the fact that I was groomed but he completely denies it to this day.
Find a guy who thinks you’re a goddess.
See your attitude is probably going to cost you your marriage. Good luck. You should be going to therapy. I don't like your wife lying. I don't like liars. But you are no prince charming. You have your kid suddenly in your house and your wife must just be happy about it. You're going to lay down the law? Instead of trying to find therapy for your family.
Read the first sentence and I was like yep lots of Asians like that here in Silicon Valley. They’re totally different than my American born Asian friends like they don’t have shit in common especially that let’s cover our skin on sunny days (which is most days in CA), let’s look for white boyfriends and stuff like that. Sounds exhausting man, she must be hard or you have no other options otherwise why put yourself through this drama?
Yes, I realized quite long ago that I shouldn't be with him. Except I was not sure how to exit from the marriage. Now there's really nothing left for me.
The biggest thing for you to remember is that it’s ok if you decide at some point in the future that this bothers you and you don’t want to tolerate it anymore.
Then you should tell your wife that you’ll come to your own conclusions about the friendship but thank her for her input.
Don’t let her behavior ruin your friendships it’s definitely not fair.
The lunatic part is that switching from being an innocent girl to a raging, crying etc. person. It is just like a switch. When she “switches” it is exactly like her mother.
We have been together for 2 years.
In the beginning it wasn't really happening that much, it started like 6 months ago. More and more everyday.
“Most women” was a joke btw 🙂
Your trust was betrayed because he stealthed you, which counts as sexual assault. Now I genuinely, given your history of enjoying creampies together and being on and off with condoms, think he may have thought it would be okay. Perhaps he genuinely thought it would be a sexy surprise to you. And he does genuinely seem remorseful, if everything is as you portrayed it.
Only you can tell how he most likely meant it, and only you can decide if you a firm discussion on boundaries will resolve this. My advice, whether you stick with him or find a new parter, is
Wow what a jerk. Well he did betray you. You could leave him on that alone. But if you don't want to, then you really have to be more vigilant about your own birth control. What else is there?
I personally consider that pretty gross. I mean, she is still figuring things out. She’s in a completely different stage of her life and development. But it is legal, so you do you, I suppose.
None of them have had problems from what I know, because they specifically said that they have NEVER drank…. So this isn’t avoiding triggers…. It’s just a personal preference. I know people who don’t drink (obviously) … but not people who are so “anti drinking”, if you know what I mean
It seems clear he is married. I'm sorry.
I mean some people are just really trash with communicating through text. I would talk to her about what you're feeling in person.
Leave.
Trust me when I say this…. There is ALWAYS more. She will always tell you half truths. She will always tell you a version of the story that makes her look good. This way of being will cause MASSIVE issues down the line.
Lying to attain someone is a huge red flag.
I actually do have hearing loss – gotta talk to the right side or I won't hear a thing, and even that can be iffy when I'm congested.
Have you tried asking her to text you instead of yelling from the other room? My husband used to send me texts with just an emoji of a room or car (for garage) or a flower bed to let me know he was out in the garden. Got a text once that just said bathroom – he hadn't realized the TP roll was empty and needed a replacement from the hall closet.
Either she wanted to talk to another guy there, or she thought you were hitting on someone and got pissed. That’s my guess.
They did indeed. I don't think you are crazy. There are a lot of angry people out there who respond anytime someone dares suggest OP did anything remotely incorrectly, and they often try to put a gender lens on it where it doesn't really belong. I'd have given the same advice to a man or a woman.
You're young so I know it seems like you're in love basically, and I'm not going to lie it will probably suck for a while, but this is absolutely grounds for ending things permanently. She wanted to have sex with someone else, but you on the shelf so she can get you back whenever she wants, and will absolutely do this again in the future. Plus she was definitely at least emotionally cheating on you before she brought up the break. You deserve better my man.
I wish it was that easy. There’s a lot more to consider to this relationship than just the relationship. We have two kids together, a home together, a whole life together. I’m just scared to blow it all up over me just being insecure if there really is nothing to this.
Once you know the pattern, you can start to work on it.
If she's aroused and still having discomfort she needs to talk to a gyno. They may recommend a dilator set.
Well you can still have a FWB relationship.
OP, no one can tell you how to feel. Your feelings are your own, and if you try to ignore or stifle them, you'll only be prolonging the pain.
I can tell you how I would feel. In addition to feeling hurt and rejected, I would question why my own husband, who presumably married me for a lot more than my physical appearance, was suddenly focused on my body size. It would make me think he was using my weight gain as an excuse to justify his own inner conflicts, either about sexual intimacy or about the marriage in general. If you've been going through a rough patch with him recently, I'd recommend that you ask him to go to couples counseling with you, and try to drill down to the reall problem(s) driving his hangup about your weight gain.
Finally, please keep in mind that self-esteem comes from the inside, not from what other people think of you – even the ones whose opinions you most value. You are still the same beautiful person at any weight, and a good man would put more value on the precious gift inside than on how it was boxed and wrapped. So when your husband criticizes your weight, he is basically declaring “I'm a superficial jerk.” This is HIS problem more than it is yours. Just saying.
This has to be one of the most ridiculous posts on this sub…