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The hard truth is that you’re not less compatible than you were at the beginning of your relationship. You’re exactly the same as you were; you’re just now acknowledging reality.
There’s no logical reason to believe you’ll regret how you feel in the future. You’re not right for each other. That’s all there is to it.
So no, don’t wait a year. Do what it takes to get out now. Break ups hurt. They sick. It’ll hurt and suck a year from now. Except then you’ll be further in, where he’ll be thinking all is great, and you’ll have always known you’ve been wasting his time. It’s time to be honest. Good luck.
What she‘s doing in unethical and harmful. I am sure there a number of articles about catfishing you could use to support your intervention. My two cents as to what to say is that it needs to stop now or you will have to inform your brother and she needs to discuss this with her therapist. This is a problem. She has no connection to him. A fiction she created has duped him into feeling like there is a connection.
You don’t do anything except listen. It’s normal to be insecure and it’s normal to not be ready to do anything about it. She’s not looking for you to fix her or even advice what to do. She knows what to do. She just wants you to love her regardless
Similar here. This girl is an asshole and tell nice husband to reign it in. You have all the cards as his wife .she said no connection going to change?? Yes baby it is and it starts now. She going g over your head with the questions is a bad sign. She either asks you personal shit or forget it.
The second I realized I was afraid to go home when I knew my dad was there was the second I realized he was abusive.
Your husband CONSTANTLY gives you reasons to be scared. To be scared to go home, scared to sleep, scared to talk scared to be around him.
Thats. Not. Fucking. Okay
You are 100% right to have made that ultimatum and I hope you stick to it, because you deserve so much better. You deserve someone who you’re excited to see, who you’re excited to go home to! You don’t deserve an angry turd who refuses to see the solution here.
How can you cheat on someone you aren't exclusive with?
See that was my thought when I was a but younger but nah, I know people who'd be fantastic spouses with hearts the size of the moon and yet they seem almost put off by settling down. They'll be exclusive, but they won't stay longer than a year
Or, she could get an abortion. Let's say her autoimmune disease that attacks the fetus leaves her fetus developmentally disabled. No one is going to want to adopt that child and it will languish with thousands of others in an institution and/or foster care. She should talk to her doctor
what the fuck ?
Not at all. I would just appreciate her using it occasionally when we play together
he says no sex happened and it’s not really cheating.
Even after getting caught he’s still not taking accountability, definitely not trustworthy. Giving him another chance unfortunately tells him that it is okay for him to treat you this way, especially if he’s a narcissist.
OP, you should do what you feel is right for you. You commented that he makes jokes because the situation is awkward. As your boyfriend and someone who should love you, your rape is not “awkward”. It’s not his situation to make jokes about either. You WILL find someone who respects you and you won’t have to question it.
“The carpet matches the drapes” joke like in The Office?
And I’m not superficial wanting a big house with fancy things.
But what if he wants a big house with fancy things? It wouldn't be fair to put the extra cost and debt of that on you when you don't want it and make less than him. His solution is to buy it himself and take responsibility for it himself. I honestly don't see what's wrong with that. You seem to care more about what you think partnership should look like in general, than carving out a partnership that works for you both. I don't see how him reducing the size/type/whatever house you online in to what you want and can afford works for him, it just means he gets to half own a house he doesn't like.
Could be the way she was raised or who she’s dated before that made here expect/mind splitting the bill. Kindly explain your philosophy about splitting it and see if she respects it and wants to go out under those terms again. If not, then consider it a lesson learned – at a 50% discount I might add as well.
These types of posts cause a ton of anxiety in me. The dude gave the perfect response and he’s being questioned about whether he’s being supportive or pushy. I feel like there’s there is no response that wouldn’t have made this post happen.
Very much what angelonearth has said, but harsher: you’re 21. It’s time to expand your horizons. You’re hard. You’re young. Don’t hang your future or your emotions on anyone but your own ass.
Don’t respond
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Ah the 'you never take me anywhere' and the 'yelling and belittling ' I know this variation well.
You got a wrong 'un dere homie.
I am so sorry to break it to you. This relationship will not last please start loading up on how to get out safely. That is the short version.
Long version – first it's the belittling and the yelling then the cheating and disrespect and finally she will walk the new dick right into your bedroom and declare him your replacement. You will get the cops called on you in the house you are paying for . No matter how you try to prove otherwise you will fail, she will always find fault. She will never be satisfied till she has that 'influencer' life, and when she gets it, she will be wondering why you are working crazy hours to give it to her ..if she wonders at all.
Do not get life insurance. it's not safe for you . Do not keep valuables at home. Keep this person far from anything that can affect your work or your money. I know you are young, but I would write that Will NOW and leave a time delayed letter with how things are going in case of your early demise. I have seen Discovery Criminal ID. I know how this ends.
We, the male species, do not come out of this well. Depending on the state where you decide to separate divorce, it could end up scaring you for life. Don't do anything rash. Start your _ legal_ plans and gather as much info as possible to show you are not financially compatible if nothing else. I know it's hard to hear, but better one of us tell you now. You are still young, and you will find someone decent if this doesn't totally mess you up.
or the post is bullshit to prove once again how one sided the Reddit Brigade is. Bad Bad man catching his wife and brother this way and thinking anything is off. DIVORCE HIM, GET CUSTODY, SUE HIM FOR DEFAMATION. ffs.
OP, do not meet him at work or call him, I guarantee it will end badly. I’d write him a long letter apologizing for everything that you did wrong (which you’ve admitted to here), follow the advice others have given for that letter, and say what happened is your fault. Do not place any blame on him in any remote way, you need to apologize. You need to admit you failed him as a father, and that you regret everything. Do not mention in any way the “success” that you mentioned in one of your posts, he will immediately explode. You need to say you love him, that you’re proud of him, and that you’d do anything to have any form of relationship with him, even the most minimal. Leave your current contact info, and end the letter.
Note: yeah, your son f’d up bad. But do not bring this up, do not criticize, do not blame. He will react in anger the second he reads it and he will refuse to contact you. You need to take the fall to build a new bridge. If you do it right, I do think he’d honestly apologize to you later.
Drop the letter off at his work, but do not ask to see him. It will end badly. Make sure to avoid him unless he literally bumps into you. Do not prod, do not poke, do not demand. He’s more likely to come out and speak to you again if hes asked gently than if he is forcefully.
I hope everything goes well.
Thats true. I feel like deep down i know that but my emotions have hindered me from seeing it lol
Who is to say either of those things happened? He could’ve got his dick sucked and also fucked his gf.
Yeah, this seems like high-school level shittiness. Like if you guys are 16-19 I can sorta understand her just being socially oblivious to how shitty that comment was, but if you guys aren't teens that's a big yikes.
Your size is completely normal, and she really didn't need to make that comment.
“Because I know how I act when I’m blackout drunk, despite the fact I can’t control my behaviour or alcohol addiction.”
Thank you so much. I have issues with dwelling on things that have already been resolved. I think what I’m looking for is reassurance from an outside source that everything is okay because strangers have no reason to lie & say things are fine. Thank you again.
He’s not boyfriend material if he’s trying to turn you into HIS idea of what he wants in a girlfriend. You’ll never, ever satisfy him because he can’t be satisfied. Once you achieve one of his requirements he’ll come up with three more. He’s not interested in YOU, he’s only interested in a puppet. You deserve much better, let him go.
Thank you for the advice.
It definitely came as a shock when it caused a fight.
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Enjoy that single life sis!
To be honest, he doesn't sound like a good partner.
Fear comes from insecurity, its literally his only job to make you feel loved, respected and secure in your relationship.
You seem like a warm and loving partner, you'll definitely be able to find someone who loves you the way you love them.
Fear shouldn't be a reason to stay in any relationship or unhealthy situation.
Yeah, it’s not easy. I just wish she stopped “suffering” so she could online her life happily. Thank you!
Honestly, random hookups pale in comparison to an enriching relationship. I never thought I'd have said this in my life, but here I am! There's nothing you'd be missing, aside from verification that it's empty and risky, and probably a few stis. I tried the hook up culture for a time, but I felt cheap, empty, and lonely. And I was never the type to want a “happily ever after” thing, because I was convinced it was only in movies. I honestly preferred celibacy to having casual sex. A partner learns your body. A hook up doesn't care. A partner supports you emotionally. A hook up won't remember your name. Seriously consider what you'll do. We online in a society where everyone touts high body counts, but are they actually happy? Or is it just another filter for followers? I'm sure some prefer casual sex.
Whatever you choose, don't hurt this man. Don't break him and destroy that heart. Stay, and love him, or leave. But don't cheat. That shit's indelible
Wow. Your wife wants to sexually please you on your birthday and then make you a BLT. And now you post on reddit to complain about it? Even though you pretty much hurt your wife's feelings. You could of squeezed her boobies and said make me that sandwich baby and I will give you a good pounding after. First world problems at its finest.
I don't see the issue, just go. Are you going to get kicked out?
Don’t fall in love with the fairytale of a guy wanting to buy you a ring. I know it sounds tempting to want to flash the ring but He’s cheating on you while supposedly being in love with you. He may love you but he doesn’t respect you. That isn’t real love or a fairytale. It’s actually a nightmare.
Please dont take this negatively, but I feel you might need to work on some parts of you that are detriment to your self esteme. Sometimes we grow up screwed up emotionally a little. Or we dont know how to respect ourselves and our worth. It kind of leads to letting people get away with things past your boundaries.
She obviously cheated. It's not that big of a deal isn't a way most normal people say to deal with betrayal of trust. You prob need to move on and figure out what's making you apologize for people who hurt you.
Eh, what are your priorities?
If push comes to shove, what will you prioritize? Your relationship with your parents? Your relationship with your boyfriend? Your right to make your own decisions about your life? The security that your parents approval would give you?
Answer this, and you'll know what to do. You're the only one who knows how much you value your family's approval. You're the only one who knows how much you value your relationship with your boyfriend.
Yes, in an ideal world you could have both. But if you cannot have both, what will you choose?
If your parents can't be convinced to like this man, are you interested in trying to find a partner that's more in line with their expectations?
What do you even want in a relationship? Some people need their partner to be an equal when it comes to how much money they bring home. Some people don't care either way, and value other aspects of a relationship more. Some people strongly prefer to be the breadwinner. Which one are you?
Your boyfriend is an idiot. Who the hell makes that kind of joke to your boyfriend's parents, let alone on the first meeting.
Why not?
I agree, that’s why I’m posting here. Just saying I need to deal with it is not helpful
He has asked you to an event that not only involves alcohol, it requires you to drink. And he is giving you only the option to either share a room with him or not doing that event at all. I don't think it is possible for him to make it clearer what his expectations are. The only chance you could get a separate room is probably if you pay for it yourself.
This made me pause as well. It really seems like the OP will marry anyone to get away from her family and on someone else's insurance. If she told that to her boyfriend he would for sure run ?
I’ve seen people do stuff like this or for kinky play (I.e. putting something on the inside for pain or a different sensation) In which case it would make sense if he was nervous if he’s afraid of being judged.
Could also be a make shift flesh-light.
Or he put it on a dildo or something.
It could also be that he did something stupid with them and rather not admit it, like fill them with water like water balloons.
I don’t think he’s automatically cheating for using the condoms.
Man why are you dating a girl if you don't like what she does? She posted these before, so if you don't want a girl who posts thirst traps, don't date a girl who posts them (bet you slid into her dms bc of them and that's why you don't like it now)
I’m sorry I do t think he’s seeing the relationship the same way you are, he’s not your bf
Ok. Fine. Perhaps semantics was the wrong word. So then to put it as plainly as possible: OP states in a comment from another respondent “OK, yea I can see this for sure, I'm definitely trying to see it from his side so thanks for the post”. It is downvoted, I question whether this specific remark really ought to be indicted. And you have provided response after response, quoting other other comments and rallying around the idea that OP is a racist. Which is completely besides the point of my post and should have never been involved.
Jesus christ, are you a chat bot or something I am already disappointed in myself for following you this far down this rabbit hole.
!updateme
Ignoring the snooping aspect, for now. Have you considered spending an evening just focusing on pleasing your wife, without worrying about piv? So spending a decent amount of time really focusing to make sure she has has a good time and feels desirable and climaxes before moving to piv at the end, of you want to? That way maybe it will boost your confidence and help you to feel more secure in your abilities, without needing to focus on any PE or if you can get up or not.
As for the snooping, it’s probably an unpopular opinion but I probably wouldn’t tell her. So long as you I’ve no intention of doing it again I feel like it does more harm than good. Sure she probably deserves to know, but if you were my husband I’d rather not know.
He is not someone who should be fathering a child. He is pressuring you with guilt trips and not caring about your concerns.
For starters yes its very difficult. Nobody likes being controlled. A lot of people will make you try to feel dumb/stupid for letting people “control” you. I don’t think reality is ever that simple. You are the only one with enough context to determine your situation.
The rest of the sub may disagree, thankfully the rest of the sub don’t have to deal with the repercussions, and my girlfriend (to my knowledge) finds our arrangements agreeable. A good indicator for me personally of control vs sacrifice is wether or not the other person understands that you are giving something up.
For instance I acknowledge that my girlfriend has given up a portion of her liberty in clothing for me. She acknowledges that I restrict some of my behavior around my guy friends for her. There is nothing inherently wrong with what we want to do.
An example of control would be closer to if i were to shame her for scandalous clothing. Something like saying “committed people don’t do things like that” and if she were to tell me “it’s weird and gross to do stuff like that with your friends”.
In the second scenario the controller is using some tactic to force the other persons hand rather than accepting who their S/O is but at the same time standing their own ground on what they expect in a relationship.
Also, I’m just a guy on the internet. I cannot emphasize enough that the right call is the call you make. It’s your life so you should do what is in line with the person you want to be, not what some internet strangers with no stake in you tell you to be.
Hope this was helpful!
So you let him dictate your day and treat you like you are not worth trusting while he does whatever he wants? Oh girl….
Why aren’t you allowed to sleep over?
Should’ve never apologized ?♀️you will never “fix” this problem. Lol you and your kids will deal with this until this man dies. This is the type of guy that won’t change until you leave. Leave the house (not the marriage), stay with family or a hotel when there’s shit in the toilet..come back when it’s gone.
Long term storage of smaller items like jewelry pieces, etc. I come from a humid climate, so I was raised to save these.
If my math is anything close to accurate, she would be close to the 10 week mark. Pregnancy tests generally read positive when there's enough of the hormones built up, which is often 4-6 weeks after conception. Maybe she happened to be on the 4 week end of things (which would put date of finding out to be around 5 weeks ago), but a lot of the states that still allow it cut off at 12-16 weeks afaik
(not totally knowledgeable, am canadian who studied child development)
Rule #1 – you never discuss your personal primary relationship with another. That puts her on a slippery slope to bonding inappropriately with another man.
To be clear: he isn't her friend. He seeded her and left. She should see him as a POS (civil but distant).
You are now sharing her with another man. And it's highly likely to escalate to sex.
Doesn't matter if the texts are sexy. What matters is she lied and destroyed your trust
People break up over loss of trust as often as adultery.
How will she rebuild trust? Time doesn't. And she can't say “trust me” because she's a liar.
Wow, I hate your husband. Everyone on Reddit always suggests divorce, but in this case it is warranted. Hire a divorce lawyer immediately and take him for all he’s worth (not much, probably). Get these horrible people out of your house and your life as much as possible.
You need to make better life choices. Your kid is dependent on you and your choices.
That's cheating. I wouldn't want to be with a cheater, not again. Also, he is PAYING for porn, how is that not an issue with porn? There is so much free porn on the internet that he could watch all day every day for the rest of his life and still not watch it all and yet he still needs to PAY REAL MONEY for it? That is a problem.
That’s a modified truth. The first hand rental contract market is secure. The second hand rental contract market is not. It takes an average queue time of 20 years in my European city for a first hand contract, and in the mean time, we have to resort to second hand and other insecure living arrangements.
No means no. respect that first
Houston, we have a problem
Yeah I mean I guess you nailed my frustration. Not to inventory everything, but she watches our youngest all day and is very attentive with him doing activities, taking him for walks, to the park, his meals during the day, she does most of the kids laundry, manage doctors appointments, and she takes the kids to music class and on play dates with her friends and their kids. So basically between her and the nanny she has created a really amazing developmental environmental for our kids. Where I get frustrated is that I just feel so burnt out between work and helping at home, yet she is constantly complaining about being exhausted which is what really needles me.
I have pushed him away a bunch due to childhood trauma creating it difficult for me to feel safe with trust in relationships.
What exactly happens though when you push him away?
It's important to understand where you and your partner stand on those types of topics. I am also in a new relationship (7 months as well) and I am very much into my gf, but have made a point to express that those types of things are best reserved for future conversation, regardless of how I actually feel about it. If I asked her to get engaged tomorrow she would probably say yes, but we are just not at that stage yet. I think having perspective for the long term and understanding that a lot of people don't want to rush those things is important. I personally would just be cool about things and not bring it up again, but if it is really weighing on you then you should just talk to her about it and that you may have slipped by bringing up the topic so soon.
It’s not just THE reason just a big one. Leaving in the middle of the lease is literally impossible for both of us
Being broke forces you to share a room with someone ?
Sorry strip club lol
Stuff like calling my style of chopping “rustic” or making fun of my uncouth American ways. Doesn't always get to me. Sometimes I find it funny if it's meant in a joking way but he didn't say this one jokingly. It was very seriously putting down the arts and those who get degrees in them.
“Missing you a lot, wish I was with you right now❤️”
That would be the 'reason to doubt his loyalty' part of it, yes. And thus you should deal with *that*.
Lying for years definitely is
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
This morning I was sitting on my boyfriend’s lap and we were chatting and he grabbed my nipples and squeezed them. I typically don’t like him touching my nipples – I have some sensory issues and I’ve been sexually assaulted in the past. Basically, he squeezed them quickly on and off and I pulled away and pushed him in the chest. He immediately got upset that I hit him, and I feel awful. I was just trying to push him away, and it really was a knee-jerk reaction but I’m worried this has broken his trust irreversibly. I just can’t believe I hit him like that and it really felt like just an instant reaction, I didn’t feel angry or anything. He said we’ll be fine after some time and everyone makes mistakes, but I’m worried what this means about me if my immediate reaction was physical violence. Now I can never go back to the relationship we had before wherein I had never hit him. I don’t know what to do.
EDIT/UPDATE:
Thank you everyone for your replies and explanations. I really didn’t realize how big of a deal this was, and am glad to have some perspective now. While he definitely crossed a boundary – I’m not excusing that – we have some difficulty with physical intimacy because of my past and sometimes I am reactive in situations that don’t always call for it. This time, the situation called for it and I’m not going to let him convince me I did something wrong by reacting to it.
All this to say, thanks to everyone who gave genuine advice and a perspective I hadn’t seen. This isn’t a pattern for him so I’m hoping we can have another conversation and set some firmer boundaries and if he continues to push them and blame me, I’ll know what to do thanks to you all.
Thanks for the advice, and I definitely came across as insecure. She’s just my entire world, and I would have nothing without her, couldn’t help sounding that way
I’ve got no advice to give, I’m just astonished that seemingly so many young women are apparently interested in being romantically involved with men old enough to be their dads. Kinda crazy tbh.
So sorry to hear it. You were willing to cut your family out of your life completely for him. You asked him to do this one thing for him (I had to lie and say I was Catholic to my family MANY times after I stopped believing. Even went through confirmation to swear to the church I believed. It sucked, but I dealt with it). He said no. I don't think that it was super considerate, asking you to leave your family rather he have to lie.
Still, you respected his choice and stood by him. You got your family to back down, and I'm sure that was so hard. Based on what you said, I think it was selfish of him to say no, and completely unreasonable to leave you over it.
I told her to be out by 4/1 I will keep you all posted
He’s almost 30 yet acts like an angry child. Does he talk like that around his boss, your families, someone that’ll punch his face in if he pisses them off? I doubt it. He needs to go to anger management and learn how to communicate like an adult. You don’t need to be there for it. Maybe find a guy that can show you some basic respect.
She is an adult and has made her decision for her own reasons. Stop badgering her. You’re only decision here is if this is big enough to give up your life together. For me I’d let it go but it’s your decision
Yes it is. Hurt feelings because she say pp too small. Fucking communicate and work it out. Quitting is biggest pussy move ever over honest words of a drunk person. His dicks probably small to most people . If she isn’t satisfied she would have left.
And here I was thinking that all dudes love body humor (pooping, burping, farting etc.)? No? haha! I think this was probably her dad's way of just trying to be friendly to you since you came over to their house. Dads can be goofy in general, and he's a Gen-Xer like me (49F) and we speak sarcasm, stupidity, and silliness well. I wouldn't read too much into it. If you like this girl, hang out with her again. If you're feeling up for it, you can ask her what that was all about and see what she says. Maybe it's just a normal thing in their family. Good luck! 🙂
Hope this isn’t hurting too bad … but a lot of relationships move towards open or involving other parties from guilt, after one of them has cheated….
Maybe tell her you don’t want her to periodically message you like this? Or block her?
If she’s stonewalling when she’s mad, that’s not a very healthy relationship. Find someone who has conflicts without being toxic and make sure you’re not bringing any toxicity with you from this relationship.
I’m sorry that you’re going through a hard time.
Sometimes Redditors know where something should have been posted. My bet is that she's exaggerating what her daughter stripped from the bed/bath suite in hopes that it would spark fury instead of applause (Sometimes burning a bridge takes too long and you need to just blow it up ?) but even if it's completely true, my only concern is for the daughter's legal situation….but it would be a civil matter and OP certainly can't afford a lawyer, so…..
Again, you’re not sure that he doesn’t have anything to hide because you don’t trust him yet. Keep things light and more casual until you do. Don’t look at him as the love of your life soulmate future husband. Remove that rhetoric from your vocabulary if it’s already being tossed around. It’s only five months. You’re still in the getting-to-know-you stage and you may never get to that next level.
There are lots of pet-friendy hotels. But both apartments and hotels are likely to have breed/size limits, so it’s worth researching. I know I recently stayed at a sonesta with my sheltie.
Honestly, a pretty valid resentment to have. He lead you to believe that you would experience that bucket list adventure with him. For whatever reason he changed his mind and now he is trying to make you feel bad about it. You were the one let down here, you're the one having your dream vacation turned into a boys trip.
Honestly, this guy is in no way worth spoiling that dream trip of yours. Fuck that. Let him and his boys go do their thing and you can save it for later. And if he can't deal with that, with the reality he chose this, then really what does that say about your dynamic in general.
Yes, red flags everywhere. According to him, everything is your fault. This attitude needs to be addressed. It's almost like him saying “it's your fault I'm stupid”!
It sounds like he's 12 years old. Exhausting.
Is there a way, that they build two seperate apartments in the house?
Tell her but try to send prove. I feel like it’s just not really helpful to say hey your boy is cheating on you and then there’s no proof. That just causes damage all around
Well, stop having unprotected sex and obviously don't fake a pregnancy that is psycho shit. Beyond that well, this is why it is important to be with someone with similar values. It's not working out so it's fine to leave.
Well, stop having unprotected sex and obviously don't fake a pregnancy that is psycho shit. Beyond that well, this is why it is important to be with someone with similar values. It's not working out so it's fine to leave.
It sounds pretty odd to me, and very unfair to push someone like that.
will often make comments that I look/dress gay
What does this even mean? Just makes me think of those old homophobic jokes about lesbians wearing 'sensible shoes'. All kinds of people dress all kinds of ways, it's really not fair to make assumptions about someone based on what they look like.
You cannot control your parents or siblings relationship with your ex. You brought your ex to online with your family. They developed a relationship with her. It’s unfair for you to expect them to cut her off because you have moved on. You can set boundaries for yourself but you cannot set boundaries for other people. Tell your family you won’t visit if the ex is present, you don’t want to hear updates her life, and your child isn’t going to meet her.
I think you need to consider that he doesn’t sincerely believe you cheated last year, he was (and still is) using that as an excuse to increase his control over you, and force you into a defensive position/make you feel like you have to prove your innocence to him again and again.
He asked you to prove a negative (I.e. that nothing happened), which is much harder to do, than proving a positive. When you couldn’t, he increased his control.
He was lying to you then, and he’s lying to you now. It’s the same game repeating itself. He is trying to make you believe you’ve done something wrong, and that you need to prove your loyalty. It also has the effect of cutting you off from other people, because now you can’t even speak to anyone else.
After his degree is finished. Saying it before will feel like more pressure. Even good events are still stressful right now. You need to develop a sense for what is good for him, not just yourself.
Yeah, I've been thinking that this is the best thing to do as well. Hell I've never found myself on such uncertain threads than latelly. But you personally think it's better to tell her this things before or after the musical event?
Yeah, I've been thinking that this is the best thing to do as well. Hell I've never found myself on such uncertain threads than latelly. But you personally think it's better to tell her this things before or after the musical event?