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okay!!! i'm considering this!!!! thanks!!!
I'm abroad as well. But my bf doesn't like it when I go out too much, he says it's dangerous (even when I go out with people). We're both abroad for the year.
Your university most probably has a career guidance counsellor or a student mentor of some kind.
It would be a good idea to talk to someone like that and see if you can get a sense of what you want to study and what you want to do with your life.
Thats so cute Merry Christmas to you too OP
You need to dig deep and find some self respect. Divorce and find some one who cares for you. Your relationship is over
holy shit…she treated you for chlamydia???? that is…extremely fucked.
when i mean overly friendly, you know how there are hugs that are more reserved for romantic partners aka “jump in your arms and hold you up” hug? That’s what i mean.. In all honesty my problem isn’t the hug but it’s that deep down i have insecurities and jealously which is affecting my relationship with my partner because they don’t feel like i don’t trust them to handle a situation like that
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Harsh truth
The only way I would ever consider this a good idea is if you got a clear sign that he hates gender role conformity.
Gender roles are mostly dumb but social reinforcement makes it more likely for women to value being a bride, and for men to value making a proposal.
So it's really the question of how important is it personally to him? Social reinforcement isn't perfect enough to influence everyone. But it influences a lot of people.
I mean when you think about if it's fun, how much more fun is it going to add to do a role reversal? To me it's insensitive, unless you've got that clear indication that he hates gender role conformity.
Mind your own business or just ask her to give you an appointment as I notice you are so trying to deny you'd like that…
I feel like giving someone a foot rub is a step more intimate than fucking them these days.
So are you saying that both of us should do whatever we want even though some of those actions might hurt other person? Also we can travel togather.
Your friends remind me of a tenant I had. Before the the pandemic he went 8 months without paying rent. As he was moving out, he promised he'd pay me back rent. He was moving in with friends who advised him not to pay. I told him I expected him to do the right thing but his friends won't be so gracious being on the receiving end of their advice. I wasn't going to take him to court because I'm not going to kick him while he's down. He moved out with friends and didn't pay me. I believe in Karma but yeah, you did the right thing. Careful finding yourself in a similar situation with those friends.
Block him. This is an attempt at manipulation. You are not responsible for his actions. He cheated on you.
23. ?????????????
That's true. She's good at delegating what you will bring to dinner…
But there is something not right with your SIL for sure. Like the beige color food is strange.
You gave your boyfriend an ultimatum: he goes to therapy or the relationship ends.
The fact that he 1) is giving up so quickly and 2) is now trying to play it off as if he doesn't know what you meant when you told him to go to actual therapy suggests that he either doesn't care or didn't take you seriously when you gave him the ultimatum.
If you don't stick to your word now that he has told you he won't be going, you're effectively showing him that your words are meaningless and that he can walk all over you next time as well.
Your wife needs therapy WAY more than once a month and you need couples counseling. This is emotional abuse and is unacceptable. I wonder if instead of “lovingly de-escalating” you can figure out a boundary that works for you. Can you name the problem something succinct and anytime she’s doing it, you name what she’s doing and then remove yourself from the situation as quickly as possible. Talk ahead of time about how you are going to do this. You should not have to subject yourself to this
Honestly, I'd be really upset too. It'd piss me off if my SO said that he'd rather have the child than try for another one. He sounds selfish, he's telling you that if something happened to the baby and you survived, he'd blame you, better to have one sure baby than realize you possibly can't carry a baby to term. It really does make it sound like the possible baby is more important. I'm sorry, but at least you now you know. I mean, dude, no offense, but breaking up with you wouldn't be an option? Better to let you die and have the baby than try again with someone else? Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that'd hurt, but at least you'd still be alive! And now you've been forewarned.
Updateme!
You got a source for that because that is not what I learned in my mammalian reproduction module.
No it’s not. Clearly you don’t interact with guys a lot. Having a physical reaction to though if someone doing something that they may not even be doing is ridiculous and this sounds like it’s entirely OPs problem. I’ve ran into this issue multiple times with friends and acquaintances and the only way this work is if the guy starts hiding when he watches porn.
I assume that if he was interested in learning, he'd have done it by now.
Demand she get a background check and go to therapy to see if she's an abuser.
*And I am not.
I agree. It’s very alarming and I am sure widely abused. I even wonder how effective it actually is at preventing women from bad dates? I mean what? A few times a year oppose to the many people that might be wrongfully implicated by a vindictive ex? Has there even been any studies done to prove its effectiveness?
If OP wasn't seemingly hoarding this like the other items, he wouldn't care.
How do you know? Do you know the bf, to talk so confidently about how he thinks?
THEN LEAVE??? YOU DONT HAVE TO MARRY HER WTF
She absolutely refuses to see them either. I wish it was that easy
I’ve tried communicating that to him and he insists that he should be able to refuse anything and that his no means no, and I’m disrespecting his boundaries if I advocate to communicate about it.
It's not fair to hold him hostage. Doing the right thing can hurt. He deserves honesty even though you know he's going to be hurt some. Time to move on. You both deserve to be happy.
Updateme!
Wtf.
He doesn’t respect your boundaries at all. Past trauma or not, this is not okay! If you’ve made it clear before then why do it.
If that was me, I’d be single right now.
Look man, i get the frustration, but at the end of the day his appearance is up to him. He can listen to your opinions and take them on board, sure, but if he likes the mustache hes at perfect liberty to keep it. If you were a man complaining about an aspect of your wife's appearance, people would be tearing shreds off you and telling you to accept her how she is and that she can look how she wants. Same applies here. Your opinions, preferences and feelings are valid, but since they pertain to his body and personal appearance, they are secondary to his.
Reading this is kind of surreal because the exact same thing happened to me (25F) 2 years ago. I'll share my experience in case you find any of it applicable to you. Someone who I had been close friends with for many years did basically exactly what you're describing and I completely froze during it. I never even told him to stop. The next day he texted me a weak ass apology (“sorry about last night”) and I accepted it because I hate confrontation, didn't want to make him feel bad, gaslit myself into thinking it wasn't that bad, and worried that he'd lose all of his friends if I told anyone. But as time went on I realized more and more how violated I felt and how I never wanted to see him again. I also got concerned about whether he would go do the same thing to someone else because I'd acted like it was no big deal. So I told a few of our friends about what happened just to explain why I'd prefer not to be invited to the same events as him and, without me even having to ask, every single one of my friends chose to distance themselves from him. They all assured me that what he did was fucked up and they fully supported me. I feel very lucky to have the friends that I do. After I told people, I felt a bit more self assured and decided to confront him so I wrote up a long text message and one of my friends offered to send it from their phone so I didn't have to have a conversation with him. I basically told him that I actually don't accept his apology, that I felt betrayed and violated and disgusted, and that I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. And then I started going to therapy.
All that is to say that you do not have anything to be embarrassed about. You thought he was your friend and he took advantage of that. Its important to forgive yourself for that, because its not your fault. If you want to avoid him in the future (which I def think you should!), I'd encourage you to tell your friends. They should support and respect your wishes. At some point you might feel comfortable addressing it directly with him, and you could write a letter or send a text. It took me a while to process all of the emotions that went with this happening but I promise its possible!
There's two things here. Firstly and most importantly to this situation this has to be a joint decision and both people need to agree to it. Sounds like you're not going to so that should be the end of it. Try and think of some other ways to make money – for example if she's good at pole dancing maybe she could start her own classes up?
The second issue is, as I said, less important but I think needs addressing. You seem to have some quite “old fashioned” ideas. Like you need to work on how you approach this kind of thing because the views you have on sex work are often linked (not saying they are with you but something to consider!) with various kinds of misogyny and if you have children these views are going to affect them and they will affect your marriage. And just yeah the way you bring all these things back to being about you, its a little worrying. Nothing huge but just like some personal development stuff.
My dad stole money from me when I was a kid. He didn’t mean to. I mean he did mean to but it wasn’t out of malice. It was out of lack of responsibility and lack of organisation. You should give people second chances but often giving them second (or third) chances just means you’re condoning and enabling their behaviour and they’ll just carry on.
If you leave him he might get his shit together. Or he might just blame you and carry on being a dick.
Try your hardest never to fall in love with someone incapable of healthy love. Or at the least get out if it happens.
Possibly, however she isn’t contributing to it at all financially, he will be stuck with that house regardless of if they stay together, so he shouldn’t make a choice simply to appease her. And also too, even if she was in a position to contribute, I personally think it’s best to wait until you’re at least engaged to make a long term financial commitment as well. At least with living together while renting, things are pretty straight forward and as soon as the lease is over you no longer have any financial ties
Y’all need therapy.
Just watched that last night so your timing is perfect for that reference lol thank you for being understanding . You’ve helped me look at this in a different perspective so that I can do better in the future . I plan on being in a relationship with myself for a while so I can better understand “ME” before I go looking for a “WE”
If you are already texting each other every day throughout the day, plus calling every night, it might be a bit much, so you two may need to compromise. His communications preferences should matter as much as yours. So discuss this one more time and see where both of your preferences are and what you can settle on from there.
Why should he trust her? She's not trustworthy.
You need counseling! Get individual counseling and also couples counseling. This can really help you both figure things out.
I assume so, in saying they make a point to lock the door (singular) and keep the window closed. Sounds like a dorm-room type set up maybe.
I would assume if you are suspicious over paternity that would be advice a lawyer could offer
Now I have to see it. ??
That would be a negative from me as well.
it’s pretty nasty
Tell your partner, show him the texts, and tell your friends partner if u can
Whoa. He doesn't need to see your location all the time! He sounds controlling and that's a big red flag in my book. Plus trying to place the blame on you?! He should trust you, especially early in the relationship. Maybe take some time/space away from him (and stop sharing your location) to reflect on whether he's making you happy and what you're getting from the relationship. Ask your friends/sisters/mom/etc. advice too and see what they think. If he's a good person, he'll understand that you need some space (and privacy).
Why with all these posts.
“He's a great man!” When he's not raping me and treating me like his property.
Coercion is not consent. Anything less than an enthusiastic yes, is no. Anytime you sleep with him when you didn’t want to is assault. BREAKUP with this predator!
I didn't say you were biased. I said you don't know either way, and you shouldn't talk to this guy when you have no clue what actually happened and this is now a legal matter. If you do anything beyond simply supply the single fact you know to the police, you will hurt someone.
Yeah I guess
Break up with him dear god.
Can you please answer the question?
That's an easy “block and move on”. He should be behaving more like an adult at his age.
You need to treat your depression and get into fitness. He needs to be patient.
I really appreciate this. I hope we can get over it and I’ll face any consequences just to keep our relationship. Thank you and I’ll keep u guys updated regarding this.
Shes very against therapy.
I wanted to start therapy for myself she gave me an ultimatum that if I did she would end things not based on trust but due to her feeling that I'd listen to a licensed therapist and take there advice on my mental health and not her.
Just to clarify i also have trust issues with her but i push past them i guess thags another reason why i get so frustrated it feel like there is a big power diffrence as in she can do what she want but i can't.
E.g i asked her to stop talking to someone who caused some of these trust issues when we were originally together, he fed lies to both me and her and actually got into my socials to speak about things ro her that she told me confidence… But she didn't want to until they blocked her…
But what if I just disengage emotionally, but stay physically, so there are no arguments but I'm still there for him?
Idk, do you consider cheating on you to be a big deal?
Up to you how you want to handle this, but remember, not only did she cheat on you and not come to you immediately, she initially lied about it, until you got it out of her.
Sis, THESE ARE YOUR FRIENDS, why are you friends with someone fucking your ex? While she's cheating? Did y'all all grow up together, if not who cares about these people. Get better friends.
It's not a male vs female issue.
Yeah, my (ex) husband’s sister’s in-laws were involved in most things with us. Like they’d come to thanksgiving if I was hosting and we had traditions with them too. Nice folks. But if I had to do it more than a few times a year, I’d have been annoyed or skipped.
What’s even crazier are the people advising her to come up with new lies to get out of this one. Like what does marriage even mean to these people?
What are you doing with this controlling nasty middle aged man?
He wants you to be this perfect bit of arm candy to show off to his middle aged friends.
He’s only with you because you’re young and naive and he knows he can control you like this. No woman of his age would put up with his nasty behaviour.
Please just find someone your own age and leave this ageing twat to his pathetic life.
I didn’t cheat on my boyfriend but when he dropped me off to the airport before I was going up to visit my parents he said, “By the way, I want to break up with you”
It ruined my trip.
I would definitely take her off your insurance. This isn't your problem anymore. She can get coverage through work.
When you leave, you'll want to have proof you did not destroy the place so record video of you walking through.
Best to do this over text, but if this requires any interaction, you need to record it. Don't meet her in person and if anything requires you to have to, have someone go with you as a witness.
I'm sorry this happened. I know you think you know her, but apparently not. You'll want to protect yourself in case she goes off the rails.
I've considered it and even voiced my theories, but I've been very well convinced that I'm insane and overdramatic. I started therapy and meds long before him specifically because I thought I was crazy.
At this point, I think a sex/relationship therapist would probably be a good choice for us. This is having a really negative impact on me and I don’t know if it’s something we can figure out on our own. Last time I tried talking to him about it, he said he would “try” but I don’t see any effort on his part.
Honestly, it hurts a lot that my husband has to “try” to have a better sex life with me. I’m not looking for anyone else but I just wish he wanted me as much as I want him. I don’t have the sex life with him I want to have. I feel terrible even feeling this way.
Okay, I tried my hardest to decipher this….. but basically you're saying… you had been dating this guy and you had suspicions that he was two timing you. You checked his phone. Found out he had an ex girlfriend that was deported to Guatemala and that they had a baby with each other. You read flirty texts between them and initially he tried to cover it up by saying she was some random he hooked it up with but it was confirmed by his family to you that he was in fact with her and they have a child together. Now he's begging you not to leave you and you're unsure of what to do… because you're unsure if he's really finished with her, don't want “baby mama” drama and don't want to deal with raising another woman's child?
He said he would quit when the baby comes. Why is this not an option you can on-line with?
You need to let go of the idea that the boyfriend is going to drive when you guys get married because he gets to decide what he wants to propose. It’s not 1823, it’s 2023.
You are two adults and you both have full agency in this relationship. It’s up to the both of you to decide when you want to get married or whether you want to get married.
Once you decide that you want to be married, if he wants to then do the proposal at a time, and place of his choosing, that’s fine. But the focus on the proposal is a way to avoid talking about whether or not he wants to commit to being your partner for life.
To repeat, this is not his decision. Nor is it your decision. It should be a decision that you come to together.
My advice for you is to get your own head straight first. You mentioned some thing about getting off birth control and I can’t think of a worse move at this point. You do not have a stable, committed relationship. You do not have a committed partner. Having a child at this point is ridiculous.
You get to decide how important being married and having a child, is to you and what your timeframe for that is. You’re allowed to make those decisions for yourself. And if he is not ready to move forward with you, you can either decide to stay with him without a commitment and have a child without a commitment or you can leave and try to find another relationship.
If you only hear one thing, I’m saying, it’s forget about this focus on the proposal. And focus on whether or not he wants to make a lifetime commitment to you and whether or not he’s ready to do it now.
She hasn't brought it up, but she might just not think it's worth the money to remove. She can be frugal. I guess it can't hurt to bring it up.
It's really simple: this man does not love you. He is human waste product and needs to be flushed immediately.
You told her that if she keeps wearing what she wants that you may lose your desire for her but keep acting like this and she'll lose any desire for you a lot sooner.
Ewww get out of this relationship now.
50/50 HELL NAW
Just because I wanted to give this comment more than an upvote….all of this ^
We don't know what happened on the work trip. So it's also a possibility she didn't cheat. We don't know. However, she has felt this way for some time and settled on you.
The way you wrote this story makes me believe you carry this relationship. No matter what you do, this is something your wife needs counseling on as an individual.
Why is she back and forth on how she feels about the relationship? It's unhealthy and not fair to you by leading you on.
You need to wake up and see that your perfect marriage wasn't what you thought it to be. You can't be the decision maker in counseling and ending the marriage when your wife is the one who doesn't want to be in it.
She needs to be committed to explore the possibility of salvaging what's left. She can't drop this bombshell and putting the responsibility of the relationship back on you.
She has betrayed your trust and has done so for some time. She needs to work towards earning your trust back. For now, you need to keep your guard up until you determine if you want to continue.
Wife needs to get a backbone and tell husband to make as choice.
Listen to Glimpse of us by Joji. Maybe thats your boyfriends' pov omg leave sis つ﹏⊂
Women don’t think about these things. Also actually calling his dick small, that’s one thing, but penises are just…floppy little fellas. I honestly don’t think she meant anything by it, but if she refuses to stop saying it after he’s asked her not to then that’s a whole other story and it is disrespectful.
I think it’s the combo of removing herself AND then refusing to talk to OP for having them over. That’s a huge difference. That’s not a boundary for herself, that’s a punishment for someone else, and it sounds like OP is not trying to force a sibling relationship at all, just trying to spend time with her other kids.
I’m confused. You called her out on it, and then she took ownership of it and admitted it was her fault. She then removed him.
Why is this still an issue? Yeah she probably was thinking bad things at the time but if she owns up to it and fixes it, you gotta leave room for forgiveness. Nobody’s perfect.
It’s extremely rare to find a partner who will actually admit to be behavior. Don’t mess this up.
That is such a mean comment.
If your able to make an update please do and I hope things end up well