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Tell him you’ve seen the door cam video and see how he reacts
I asked my therapist this. He said you have two choices, I can come from a place of love or a place of fear. When you speak to your boyfriend, make sure it comes from a place of love otherwise your nitpicking will come from fear and cause the feelings you’re experiencing now. Only thing that matters is love.
Reality is a lot of people masturbate it’s just a fantasy it’s not a manifestation. You need to decide if this is truly a dealbreaker then go from there.
It can be difficult to make friends as an adult, especially in a new environment like college. It can be helpful to remember that everyone is in the same boat – trying to make connections and find their place in a new community. One thing you can try is to be more intentional about making connections. This might mean reaching out to people you meet in classes or extracurricular activities, joining clubs or organizations that align with your interests, or even just making an effort to say hello to people you pass on campus.
Another thing that might help is to focus on building genuine connections with people, rather than trying to force friendships. This might mean taking the time to get to know people on a deeper level, rather than just trying to hang out with them or do activities together. Building genuine connections takes time and effort, but it can be rewarding in the long run.
It can also be helpful to remember that not every connection you make will turn into a lifelong friendship. Some people you meet will be more like acquaintances, and that's okay. The important thing is to keep trying and to be open to new experiences and opportunities to meet people.
Overall, making friends can be challenging, but it's not impossible. By being proactive, staying open to new experiences, and focusing on building genuine connections, you can start to build a social circle in college.
What did she say when you asked her what she meant?
Well you started off going distant with lack of communication, second thoughts about going because of your personal work problems and then once you realized the trip was coming more closer, you started getting excited again? I don’t blame her for losing her enthusiasm she probably started to feel that you didn’t care about her anymore and thought it’s probably for the best to end it. You were thinking about it too, just let her be. You gotta think how she feels too about this long distant relationship
Imagine you have been married to your wife for 10 years and she has sex with a random with no protection. It goes beyond and the cousins wants. There is a person having unprotected sex with people that are not the monogamous spouse so much so her husband is raising her affair baby …. You need to tell him and take responsibility for your child…
She said that she was stressed and dealing with a lot? Maybe you could stop being selfish and ask her how you can help her lessen her mental/physical load, or maybe you’re to preoccupied with your hookups in vegas???
I don't know what this means, never mind what he means
Unpopular opinion but “wanting some space”, is bullshit. Running away from a relationship you're not happy with doesn't fix anything. If there's an issue you adress it and you fix it with your partner. If the issue can't be fixed, you should at least have the balls to break up with them properly and let them move on.
It's selfish af to string somebody along and have them hold onto the hope that maybe one day you'll change your mind and want them back.
So just assume you guys are donezo and move on with your own life. Don't take him back. He's avoidant so he's going to pull the same shit every time things get too serious or there's an issue he doesn't want to deal with.
Call the police and stay the fuck away
I think it’s great she was open and spoke with you about this! If she delivered it exactly as you put it, that’s a bit harsh and clumsy. But I’m curious what she wants to heal? And why? What does she want to gain? How will this help you as a couple? Those questions may help with your clarity. But you also have to think about what you need. And you are not a selfish partner or not “strong enough” if you can’t support her in this. Don’t believe those thoughts that I’m sure will come up.
No respect for u dog. Time to bounce
Wow i don’t agree with any of these comments saying you’re controlling. If she didn’t let you know ahead of time and isn’t answering calls I would feel the same way. It’s a scary world for women and I would have had the same reaction for anyone I cared about. I think if you feel like it was disrespectful and she laughs about it then you have your answer. Someone who loves you and has been with you for 2 years wouldn’t take your feelings as a joke especially in a healthy relationship. Maybe even just take a break and see how you feel.
Trolls gonna troll
How many people have to tell you this isn't cheating, no where close to it.
I read a great comment on here along the lines of 'once a mistress becomes the girlfriend a vacancy opens up'.
As awful as it is its better that op finds out now than after they're married.
Thanks for your comment
Oh, god, who would've thought that babies are made when no birth control is used…
Gosh, what a bizarre notion…
Ugh, at this point I just hope you informed your girlfriend that you rawdogged someone and she needs to take STD/STI tests…well, this and that you have money for diapers.
It is her news to share, OP knew he had a GF and still entertained the guy and went through with it. If OP didn't know about the GF, then she wouldn't be obligated to and would be a good person for telling the GF. But since she did know, it is OP's news to share, just as it is also the BF's news to share as well but he clearly isn't going to tell her. The only way to figure out if someone cheated in you is by being told by someone or you find out through massages(which there won't be any since OP is cutting contact with the bf). And since OP knows he was in a relationship and regrets what she did, her burden is a guilty conscious she has to live with and the regret of not telling the GF.
Research (peer reviewed) finds that people with more than 10 partners tend to become dissatisfied in a long term relationship. In addition, women have a higher incidence of cancer.
“I need you to udnerstand that even though I know you really want to, I'm not comfortable with doing XYZ. If there's other ways we can satisfy your desires for something like that maybe we can think about it. But I don't ever want to be pegged or use fake cum during sex, and I would also like you to not suggest we do it again.”
Yeah it really fucked my head up to not know about my origins, for a long time. I was told the story after it came up in therapy when I was 13, but it's still not talked about, and I'm 47. My husband reached out to my parent about 3 years ago now and a lot of promises were made, but no questions answered. I was SHOCKED to find him on Ancestry (just him, not any of his other family) so at least it proved he WAS my father and I learned more about my heritage.
Hi I know you did not ruin your life don't think like that but this is a very important decision and you need to think about it so you don't have regrets later on in life but first and foremost it is nobody else's business besides you and your girlfriends and always go with your gut and listen to your heart but first of all you need to know how many weeks pregnancy so that if you are going to get an abortion you need to make sure you have enough time I'm in the State of Florida and I'm pretty sure that by 14 or 16 weeks or something might be the latest you can get an abortion and since recently not every state have them available so make sure you look at all your options so and if you are financially stable then want to raise it good luck and be good to the child and always remember that tomorrow is another day and this too shall pass kind of thing like it's not the end of the world there is always another day just get up dust yourself up try again the next day and you haven't done anything wrong if you are in love it is a beautiful thing but you are very very young you have your whole life ahead of you if she plans to go to college or if her parents are very religious or something and you need to think about those things as well and make sure that she is safe always and the end of the day it is her decision it is her body it is the rest of her life and she needs to do what is right for her and child I wish you all the best but it is not the end of your life in some ways is beginning or it is a giant lesson learned on life and how to take sex very seriously it is someone giving you their whole heart and soul to you even women who think they can do it casually truly deep down it is not a casual thing for us women I will stop talking and wish you all the luck in the world
Everybody is a rapist these days.
True. Would he want his kids to see that he hits you, even if he thinks it turns you on? They don’t know the difference and can learn that hitting your SO is normal and ok. Would he want his kids in a relationship which could be abusive because they don’t understand what they have witnessed and learned is ok?
Fair. Lol
You should care about some guy who's important to your fiancé…
Stop telling her that and wait for her to tell u she’s ready
You are right. It could be many things as to why she isn't wanting to get one. From feeling offended by the suggestion he isn't the dad to not mattering to her to possibly unsure if he is. She could not be thinking bigger picture either. Obviously if no test and then uncertainty remains then it will create problems long term. Good luck.
I grew up going to court for custody, I know how it works.
My mom helped with visitations for divorced parents.
You'd be surprised how easy you can get forced visitation on a guy. Also how impressionable kids can be, they can get hurt while playing and a woman can take pictures and accuse a guy of abuse. It is more likely to be believed because it is a mother saying it. Happens all the time.
OHHH. Good. That was my main question. No. You are not hurting your daughter by letting her mom get deported. Your ex is toxic and totally unreliable. She's using you and will do everything she can to take advantage of you.
Let her get deported.
OP literally says they started dating in February and got more serious in the fall.
Hi, I PMed you about hanging out live during Christmas, since I'll be totally free on the 25th. We can play games or watch a movie or do whatever, I'm totally down!! I'm a 22-year-old literature student (female), I have also struggled with mental health for a long time (depression and BPD) and think no one should spend holidays alone. Let me help!
Married, no children. The thing is we are compatible, but between anger and depression, that's when he doesn't get along with anyone but the bottle. I believe you don't abandon a partnership when things get tough, and i do not want to leave him on his ass just to be even more alone. The world sucks and it sucks mostly because no one sticks up for each other. The only thing for me is that i am also a person who suffered from life long depression (with my 1st suicidal threat at 10), very bad anxiety too, along with living with trauma and having ED. I am trying to better myself and grow, and i'm actually finding strenght in myself, i know i am tough when i have responsability, the only thing that sucks is that while he has an outlet, he talks to me all the time about how he feels, i don't because i don't want my feelings to bring him down as well as anyone else. I try to keep my struggles to myself and try not to bother but it gets so tough…
It's his loss, hunny. I know what's harsh and not what you want to hear but it's true. There's a guy who's going to be totally into you and everything about you out there. Just not this one.
He has a minimum wage job at a chain store. I don’t understand why a week off after 3 months would be so bad.
You lose em the way you get em. Take a few moments to let that sink in. What she does to him she will do to you. Never ever doubt that.
So how long do you suggest the OP continues trying to hash it out with her? Because it seems like he's tried everything he can to resolve it in a respectful and loving manner and look at the behaviour she's resorting to. This is the point where he needs to call her bluff, the only way things will be resolved one way or the other is to take that decision off the table. If the marriage fails it will be her fault due to her selfish and toxic behaviour.
It sounds like she didn't want you to come.
There could be a number of reasons for that, it doesn't sound like anyone else was bringing their partner, she may have not wanted to share time with her colleagues, etc etc. It could be anything…
All I'm saying is that it doesn't sound like you were especially welcome, even before you got there.
How did you guys decide that you were going to go?
You know the thing that keeps bugging me? You were in hospital after being assaulted and she didn’t go to you.
I’ve been married twenty years. My husband is my best friend and I’m his. And if either of us go into hospital, we are right there by each other’s bedside.
Marriage is about being there 100% for the other. It’s not one sided. She’s not that person for you. You need to say goodbye, get on with your life, and you will find that person who will be there for you, like you will for them.
I’m sorry you’re hurting right now, you don’t deserve this grief.
Oh my gosh, I'm so, so sorry. That is truly horrible and sounds so traumatic.
I'm glad you got out of it and saw the relationship for what it really was. I'm also glad your friends were there for you when you really needed them. Thank you for sharing your story.
I hope my friend will get to that point, the problem is I don't know when. It could be years down the line and who knows what could happen before then.
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I have a sister who's bf is proposing any day now. They had their first dates in miller+carter too, and the ages line up. For real, does your name begin with a C? Does your gf have many siblings?
You have a history of not taking care of business, it seems like your boyfriend is just like you, he' has been trying to help you, possibly the money fell through and he felt like he'd look like a schmuck if he came back to you to say 'sorry, I cant'
I'd say have a conversation with him about how you felt, make it clear that you need to be able to trust him, and then give him another chance. At the end of the day , the person to blame for the ticket is you
It depends on the stories and situations I reckon – having simply slept together in the past doesn’t necessarily have mean much or give you a valid reason to not let him still see them. If it was messily emotional maybe or if there is still stuff going on between them potentially. If it’s been a short period you’ve been broken up and he quickly slept with all these other girls maybe not. I reckon there’s no real exact advice. I’d say your overstepping if you wanted apply this as a blanket. No people you’ve slept with. I think you guys should just talk more and see how you feel because it could be completely fine
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At his age i wouldn't dream of taking a teen home to meet my family. I know my famowould never accept it and I'm glad they wouldn't because I would be ruining some young girls life. I know you love him but you need to open your eyes and realize this will never work. He'll be looking at retirement coming around the corner when you're finishing med school, you can't grow together and I can't be convinced he isn't a predator.
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You know, want to
You’re an angry person. You’re also quite irrational. I question your judgement in impregnating a woman with two prior baby daddies, and you don’t have the empathy or human kindness towards two innocent kids who are not at fault. I was sympathetic to your view, no more.
Not that she's defending him but thinks I could have handled it better
God no, I don't believe in that shit, evidentially neither do you, have a horrible day
First I want to start by saying, I’m really sorry that you and both of your children are going through this. Secondly, this is really unhealthy behavior by your husband and is not something that should be taken lightly. I can assure you that the child discussed probably already sees his brother as the favorite. That is likely to develop very quickly and the child is going to start to internalize that. I recommend to get your both of your children into therapy ASAP. The other son, who husband favors, needs therapy as well because he likely sees his father being mean to his brother and will likely see that behavior as okay. Children mirror communication patterns that parents have.
As for what I would do, I would ask the husband if he’s willing to seek therapy for this because odds are, he’s experienced past trauma to believe this behavior is okay. If he’s unwilling to get help to change his behavior, then he’s going to continue to behave this way towards his son until you put a stop to it. You have to be your child’s voice right now and it’s your responsibility to ensure your child doesn’t continue to receive this treatment. By staying in this situation, your son is likely going to experience long term mental side effects – depression, self harm, suicidal ideations, anxiety, severe confidence issues, etc. Children who are exposed to any forms of abuse/neglect, especially long term, experience long term mental health conditions. You need to take the actions necessary to ensure your sons are both free from this type of mental abuse.
You need to grow up. He’s not “still talking to a girl he slept with” he’s talking to the woman he is going to share a child with for life. I don’t think you are ready to continue this relationship. If it was me I would break up officially .
Imma be honest. You lack many boundaries out of fear but it is only hurting yourself. As a 24 year old who has a job u shouldn’t be coming home every month for two weeks at a time. That is beyond insane. You obviously recognize how toxic she is for you. There is no benefit to entertaining the mess. You have your own job, possibly your own place, and your an adult…adulting. Why do u seek your mothers approval when it’s shown nothing will make her happy.
To be blunt and kind as possible, you have to put on the big girl pants. You made the decision to move away and you said it was the best thing ever for you. Don’t ruin it by going back to the thing that tortured you.
Also like another commenter said. How are u supporting urself taking a 4 hr flight once a month and not working for two weeks?
You have to leave her. It will only become worse, and your child being exposed to her lifestyle is worse than not having a mom.
him being the absolute gentleman he “is” would never crush on a celebrity like that while dating you ?? yea okay…
Ummm, that definitely could be the case? I don't have any celebrity crushes. Or ok, I got one JUST yesterday, but it's the first one haha
Dump him, block him. Let your friends and family know what’s going on, so that they know not to interact with him. Same for coworkers.
If he has keys to your house, change the locks.
Why do only men get baby trapped? You do realise that she was also in exactly the same situation? How sexist.
Yeah, when a partner asks you to open the relationship, they're either already cheating with someone else or they want to and they're trying to alleviate the guilt. Plus they're keeping you on hand as a backup in case the affair doesn't work.
I'm sorry you went through this but you're way better off without her.
This. I experienced SA by an ex, it took a while for me to understand what it actually was. It’s an incredibly difficult experience, for someone you know and love to do that to you, it might take time for you to be actually able to realize what happened and how it affected you.
I hope you can resolve it the best way for you, OP.
Thats a good way of seeing it, not a nice experience but thankfully in time to break it off or turn it into a “non exclusive we can go with other people” kind of thing
Don't. Don't for yourself.
You do not need to catch up with her, you and she are in the past. You must not allow yourself to do this. She's strong enough to forget you exist when she feels like it. That is not some you want as a friend or lover.
Say no thanks, keep the past in the past. You won't regret it.
I feel like there’s some context missing here …
I’m sure you’re as vast and complex as any human being, full of things I don’t know about you.
However, I know what I read from your fingers, and you called another human being “pathetic” and “not worth empathy” just minutes ago.
I submit to you that every moment of your life spent thinking such things about another person is poison to yourself.
Break up with this misogynistic peice of human garbage.
I’d say stop communicating with this guy and move on. He stood you up, shit happens. No use letting it ruin your days, it’s not like you even knew him, and anyways you seem pretty confident so who cares what he does or thinks?
Your going to get some unkind responses to this one. You blow up what you make out to be a solid relationship because she’s not nude enough, but you’re good to casually bang her now when the opportunity arises? You’re messing with this girls head and you need to stop it immediately and leave her alone. If she wants kids, you are wasting her window which is closing very quickly.
Question …. Are all cocks the same length? Are they the same thickness? Are there all straight?
No!!!
Same goes for a woman's vagina
I’d have a zero tolerance on her zero tolerance. Why be with someone if you’re unable to share these stories? I’m sorry bro, but for me this would be unacceptable behavior from a partner.
You would not tell him if it came up. You already admitted you didn’t do this when he complimented your lips. That’s the subject “coming up.” You lied in that moment and you’ve led him to believe you haven’t had anything done. He has believed something about you that is explicitly untrue. He was led to believe this because you hide the truth and keep silent instead of fessing up.
Girl you’re not looking too good here.
Who cares if you have a pretty face when you’re a liar? No one wants a partner they can’t trust.
That’s true. My partner definitely considers it sex as well and so do I. But I have to specify foreplay because many men do not even do this step of sex and do not consider it at all with their partners, Instead just having sex through normal penetration means. Foreplay does technically describe a type of sexual action(s) which needs to be specified for some men to do. I’m assuming OP doesn’t do this type of sex with the way he wrote his post.
Thanks, I did think of that. But the problem is, I know that me telling her that I don't like thinking about her previous experiences won't change anything. Like, it's not her fault, and there's nothing she can change about it anyway.
Also, I can't help but feel that showing my insecurity about the dom/sub thing will just make me feel worse, since insecurity isn't exactly the most attractive trait. If I at least present as though I am confident in it, it might help. Everyone know that confidence is attractive so I don't want to do the opposite
Maybe I should just lean into it more heavily when we have sex and see how things go? and then if it's not working out, then I could voice my worries and insecurities?
Welp :/
It seems weird as hell she “accidentally” got pregnant again right after the cheating, STD scare and miscarriage.
I think OP has a lot of self destructive tendencies. A lot of people try to get kids to “fix” problems in a relationship or marriage. But all they do is introduce an innocent life to a fucked up family dynamic, ripe to be traumatized.
Fuck off with your 4chan bump shit, makes everything else here seem false.
I'm still waiting on an update on the guy that stepped on his kitten in the dark and posted a pic of it crying in a sink.
I was gonna say beat him on the full moon and use his parts for potions. But I'm a Ganondorf fan and that's my solution to most things.
You can't control what other people do or whether they're willing to do it.
Not everyone is motivated the same way. If it means that much to you, then leave. Weight and someone's relationship with food is complicated and she's probably struggling within and with significant weight motivation is really nude.
Also, I can say that when my ex made me feel shitty about myself I was resistant to his “helpful” suggestions because it's not pleasant to feel criticised and unattractive and it makes one feel like there's no point in bothering because your partner already sees you as gross (women often take it to 100 when men make then feel unattractive or unwanted)
I suspect that your gf feels some of these ways. Just leave her if you can't see past the weight
And he can be missing OP which she can talk with/comfort her son about instead of making manipulative videos.
Lol – the entitlement! We are real people ya know. We all care enough to have taken time out of our day to try and help you with advice. Nobody knows you enough for any of it to be malicious and nobody is trying to hurt your feelings. We don’t deserve to be strong manned in response and it does make you seem ungrateful for our time/advice.
But sometimes self reflection involves hurting your own feelings a bit bc you need to be very honest with yourself and we all have things we don’t want to look at. The mirror can be brutal but if you lean into where it hurts then that can help too. I know it’s nude but at some point if you want to grow you need to be ok with having your feelings hurt sometimes. Also it’s reddit and I’ve seen much worse!
How do I move forward in this?
Alone.
What the heck, of course you getting a job is far more important than you being his entertainer. I would go as far as calling it a red flag if he seriously believes you should decline job offers for his vacation. He should be happy if his partner gets a job! That's how the adult world works – work comes first because bills need to be paid.
Nowhere does he say that he needs porn to jerk off. As a matter of fact, he very specifically states that this isn't the case.
I have the same thing. If I can’t sleep jerking it really helps. It’s not the same as a porn addiction. I wouldn’t stop doing it either. She has to get over her hang up.
Your girlfriend is being stupid. Sorry to be so blunt but this is fucking ridiculous. If you need to get off and she has no interest in having sex, masturbating is perfectly healthy and normal. Do not let her try to convince you it’s not. You’re being very mature about the fact that your sex drives don’t align and it sounds like you aren’t pressuring her at all to have sex when she doesn’t want to. You’re not the problem here dude. Her immaturity and insecurity are.
Why is this ever a question of what to do? The answer is pretty obvious, break up with him. It is so much more hurtful to stay with someone that you don’t want to be with then it would be to just break up. Of course he will be hurt that’s not a bad thing it’s normal to feel emotion when breaking up. You have to accept that you are going to hurt him. It’s rather cruel to stay in a relationship with someone you don’t want to be with and just let them go about the relationship unknowingly. You should’ve been communicating these feelings with your partner to begin with.
If my partner chose me, I highly question their judgment.
Why do you settle for this crap? You have the power to make choices, to set standards for yourself.
Set a standard that says “my boyfriend priorities me”. It is allowed.
My husbands father taught him that men dont cry as a kid although as he got older he started to tell him otherwise but the original lesson stuck and it took him many many years to be ok to show feelings in front of me. Even after nearly 30 years together he still will not show full emotion around me and has only cried a handful of times but no longer feels ashamed about it. Showing your vulnerability around a woman is showing you trust her and feel comfortable enough to do so and there is nothing is nothing more powerful than seeing a man comfortable enough with who he is in aspects of himself. If my husband hadn't started to show that he was a human and wasnt a robot I dont know if I would've stayed with him. I feel more protected by him as a person who can show his true self to me. If a woman ever makes fun of you for being yourself and showing your vulnerable side then she is not someone you want to be with.
I work a night shift.. my husband watches my daughter when I work.
So she’s asleep most of the time?
Is my child supposed to be at home all day with me until she moves out?
Oh. So that’s why you are confused. You don’t understand that kids eventually become self sufficient and go to school but you don’t understand that a 4 year old child isn’t.
I was a stay at home mother for the first 3 1/2 years of my daughters life.. she’s 4.
Now that I’m working, I’m not doing my job as a mother?
You just said you sent her to daycare. So technically no. Someone else is doing it for 15 hours a week while your husband takes a lot of the other slack.
You are doing some.
Reassurance of what? I need more info- anxiety because of the accident or anxiety within the relationship besides that?
Gaslighting is lying to make you doubt your own memory or sense perception. He's just being controlling.
What she told me was that they just started talking in his car and kept leaning in for a kiss. She stopped him multiple times but ultimately gave in. She then proceeded to tell me that they had s*x but she stopped right after because she knew she made a huge mistake.
This is what she told you, now you need to find out what really happened. Also, they stopped AFTER having sex? What did they stop with?
But like I said I don’t know what to do.
Well, to summarize: your GF's ex called her, she walked outside where ex was waiting and they stepped into a car, talked and had sex. But she was very sorry. Oh, and do you think you can ellicit a reaction like this from her?
Oh, this is something SHE has to work through. You didn't do anything wrong. SHE has to earn back YOUR trust.
Just break up. You’re 30 years old. Why waste any more time with this guy?
This is an opinionated topic. Some people think it’s ok others don’t. Really up to you imo
Yeah I get that but that's the risk… you might have thought it was genuine but it wasn't… cheating cuts deep.
The people in the comments have such a low bar for women it's astounding, if a man did this you would be down his throat yo admit it. This is crazy
You broke him and drunk or not you kissed someone else.
It seems your ex has cheating as a deal breaker. Which is his right..
No matter what your explanation is you did your ex wrong.
No matter what we say it doesn't really matter bc we aren't your ex..
But if you really wanna know yes his response is what I would've done. No explanation required you cheated the end.
Jesus, just end it man. The high school drama isn’t worth it
Jesus, thank you. I don't know why no one can believe that I simply picked up my friend and helped him look for his wallet. I was fully sober & he needed help…what is so unbelievable about that? And it's like, so many people are making a fuss about it and saying that I'm lying even though everyone involved knows the truth, including my girlfriend, who is the only person that I really care that knows the truth.
Ok I sent this
“Hey, so I’ve talked to a few different people. They all kinda agree that I should have been more clear about how I feel. First off I’m sorry for not being specific, I swear I didn’t mean to mess with your emotions or anything. I’m just going to be as specific as I can be. I would like to get to know you more, I think you are very nice and I think we get along very well. Along with that it’s nude to find someone else who has the same passion for exercising as me and that’s one of the reasons I like you. I don’t know enough about you yet to say weather or not I want to ask you to be my girlfriend. I think we should meet outside the gym at some point and just get to know each other outside the gym.”
Your partners proposal is awful. Break up, seek therapy or do some self exploration to figure out the root cause of the cheating and commit yourself to meeting that emotional need in healthier ways (for example, if you did it because you’re poly next time don’t agree to exclusivity, if you did because you were lonely next time work to improve emotional connection with partner, if you did it for revenge next time just break up).
I think he's cheating. He immediately got defensive and instead of trying to alleviate any suspicions he just made himself look guilty. Also threatening to not move in together sounds like he's just trying to shut you up about the situation.
How you feel about her is irrelevant. You can be incredibly angry with your partner and not want to see them but also not ready to completely give up on your marriage at the same time.
It sounds like you’ve got a lot going on. A newborn and ppd is no joke. First things first. Get yourself into therapy or on the courses for dealing with ppd. No matter what what happens you need support and help as you’ll need to be strong. And getting help with that is a very good idea. Is there someone sensible you can talk to as well? A troop to rally to help with day to day stuff whilst you process? Family, friends, even your mother in law?
Once you’ve gotten that support and help, then you can decide what to do about the husband. It may be a huge mistake on his part. Something meaningless due to being miserable (ppd and newborn is very nude on both parents). Or it may be because he’s completely selfish and unfeeling. Probably somewhere in the middle. You need to reach a point where either you have understanding of why this affair happened and can trust it will never happen again (through therapy, communication, and accountability). Or find a way to end it that allows you to move forwards because you don’t have that trust.
Marriage counselling can help this, they can find ways to bring a relationship to an end if that’s what’s required, so you’re not making a commitment to husband by going, and you may find more answers there than you’ll get directly.
Depends..generally men can impregnate women until in their 80's.
What that means
What that means
Yes, you should break up. You’re currently neglecting your dog by allowing him to be crated all day like that, so please handle this urgently. If you’re not going to, you need to rehome the dog into a better environment.
Your points are valid. Grinding is inherently sexual, and I wouldn’t be ok with her grinding on anybody tbh. But especially guys. Grinding on a guy is gonna get him nude, and she’s gonna be rubbing her ass all over his dick. Fuck that
Don’t put yourself through this, hon. He’s going to keep making excuses to do it again. You don’t need this in your life.
I suggest giving it 24 hours and then standing your ground, and saying u need the money back, that you lent it to her on the condition she would pay you back.
If she insists on waiting till payday, and forcing u to use savings then I suggest accepting her terms, and not lending her anymore money.
Eventually either she will learn she crossed a line today when 6months from now your still not leding her money, or you will learn she's financially irresponsible
Since I don't see it mentioned anywhere, I'm hijacking the top comment. This kind of question comes up semi-frequently on r/BDSMadvice, and the answer is always the same: in a BDSM dynamic, you can withdraw consent at any time, even if you have consented before. Coercion is not consent. Nagging until you give in is not consent. Any partner that coerces you or doesn't respect your withdrawal of consent is a partner you should not have a BDSM dynamic with.
So, OP, please see that this isn't a healthy BDSM dynamic, this is a sexually abusive dynamic.
In aviation lol. Flight attendant.
What was the reason she gave you for breaking up? I have a feeling it's not “im not attracted to you because of lost confidence”
If you are a couple who eventually wants kids, boy do I have news for him!
Shit happens in life- stress lowers libido sometimes. Depression happens. Sometimes injuries happen. God forbid, sometimes sexual assault happens. For those who want it, kids happen. In this case, differing schedules happen. Is he gonna throw a hissy fit every time 48 hours goes by without getting laid? For many people, sex is a very important part of a relationship, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But it can’t always be the most important thing. If his expectations in a relationship is that his sexual needs should always come before anything else, he’s not mature enough to be in a partnership.
You need to have a serious conversation with him about this and he needs to do better. And if he doesn’t, you need to consider the above scenarios and decide whether he’s a person you can trust to actually support you during tough times. Rarely does selfishness and lack of empathy only reveal itself in one area of a relationship. If he truly can’t see the problem here, this will likely come back to bite you in a serious way later.
Sure, this may all sound like a huge overreaction on my part. But to me this doesn’t sound like he’s just expressing sexual frustration, it feels to me like he’s saying, push aside how you’re feeling right now because I have needs and that’s more important than your feelings. And my way of thinking about whether I want to be in a long term relationship with someone or not is to think about the “worse” in “for better and for worse” and be honest about how I think we could navigate that. And if I don’t trust that someone is going to be able to handle it when things aren’t perfect, then that’s not someone I want to tie my finances to or potentially share children with. Love doesn’t conquer all.
I personally wouldn’t have a problem with it. I’ve house shared with two guys before and there were no issues. If he wanted to be with them he already would be.
She kept her communications with him hidden: Red Flag
She deleted chats between them: Red flag
They bond over tragic events at work: Red flag
These are the only red flags I see, you are right to think something is going on, trust your gut! It seems like this is an emotional affair, there is a high probability she is confiding in him with her day to day troubles. If this is happening it needs to stop and boundaries need to be put in place. No more texting after work hours, no more rides home, and no more deleted texts.
You might as well put it out all on the table and ask her point blank if she is still committed to the marriage. She might not even realize how sketchy and shitty her behaviors are because she is justifying them to herself. BUT, if you were to act the same way with a woman at work, would she be as understanding?
I think you are not as logical as you think you are. If she doesn’t like you “making fun of her” and you haven’t stopped 2 years in then your not making good jokes and you don’t have a good sense of humour. Your a bully. A joke is only funny when everyone laughs.
Further, logical people understand different people operate differently. If flowers and romance are important to her but they aren’t to you because they are not “useful” then you aren’t being offical or rational. They are useful to the maintenance of your relationship, helping your partner feel valued and love. You seem to not only think your “logical” (I don’t see a lot of that in your post) but that your opinion is the correct one and anyone feeling differently is stupid and emotional. Which is extremely condescending to anyone – but particularly to someone who your supposed to love and care for.
If you are logical you understand that some things are inherently serious and should not be joked about or should only be jokes about in specific situations with specific people – AND that the idea of it being not joked about is entirely a rational position that other people may hold and that you should be respectful of that.
There is a logical fallacy and competing ideas when you say your traumatised and so have taught yourself not to care (which while it may have helped you survive trauma and this was useful at the time, in the long term it is a maladaptive coping mechanism and isn’t what healthy people do). If you are traumatised and have shut down to cope then you are not effectively communicating as your emotions (trauma) are colouring your ability to logically engage with emotions – both your own and others. Further – “I am pretty much happy all the time” doesn’t really make sense if your so traumatised you have a maladaptive coping mechanism of “shutting off”. You seem to be masking during the week with your “priority” being doing that at work – and then she is paying the price emotionally by you needing to recover from emotional exhaustion.
I agree she needs someone who is more emotionally available and healthy. I can imagine you have, over years, told her she is too emotional and she needs to see it from your “logical” perspective.
But you deserve more to. You sound emotionally traumatised and crippled. You need to resolve your trauma and be able to be emotionally vulnerable. You need to mature – there are 2 people in a relationship and their needs/wants are important – even if you think it is “useless”. You are living a half life where instead of acknowledging your damaged you have fallen back on this “I’m just a logical man” trope. You need therapy or every intimate relationship will end up like this because you cannot validate someone’s experience that is different from you own.
Leave her or don’t, just know the grass is often greener where you water it. And you sound like a desert.
His wife is the one who will cope after she destroys her family out of pettiness.
It's more than that. He keeps comparing the two of them.
That tells us how he thinks about this other woman – in comparison to his wife. As a possible mate? It's a slippery slope.
And then it's the negging.
And clearly constantly getting out of doing stuff with r-p-s.
Agreed.
Sometimes you got to take people at what they are doing. Not what you wish they would do.
I know, frivolous sex and hookup culture is ruining couples and marriage in my humble opinion. Would you marry a man that you know for a fact has been and fcked with 40 different women and have loved every single one of them?
Would going no contact help?? It’s the best thing to do
Not just that, he's doing it in comparison.
He's comparing OP with this woman, negging her AND telling us that he's thinking of that coworker as a possible mate – as demonstrated in the constant comparisons.
He is mentally open to this other woman, that's what he keeps telling OP with the comparisons.
And he's a negging asshole who seems to be good at reading other people and thus always gets out of doing stuff through rock-paper-scissors
The pill also stops it so I think your assumption is correct. There should be no need for ovulation test strips…
You can't tell him gently he's wasting his time, without rewarding his constantly contacting you. My best advice is to block him. If he takes actions to circumvent your blocking, such as texting from a different number, that is called harassment and you need to keep records of it and consider reporting him to the cops.
You’d put her on the deed but won’t marry her?
Your young bro, like I get you’re not ready for marriage…. But bro you ain’t ready to buy a house with her
Said nobody, ever, with a straight face.
Just make sure you are there for him when his friend gets pregnant and has an abortion. It's gonna be real nude on him
Honestly you need to see it as doing him a favor. Flip it around: if you knew he was feeling how you feel about the relationship, would you want him to stay with you just because he felt bad for you?
Sounds like he is sticking up for current wife because she gave birth to his son.
It’s exactly what they are doing. Taking it out on his wife, the mother of their brother, for their dads sins. She did nothing wrong. The only logic in it is the mom or the kids are punishing the dad by excluding an innocent party because of what he did. They spell it out
That’s the thing…he knows about the cheap stuff. When we were first married, he got cheap flowers. He’s bought my cheap wine and knows what brand. I know he’s stressed, he started drinking after our oldest was born and I had to take care of everything like I had all day while he passed out on the couch. I had to pull him from alcoholism and was on the verge of leaving if he didn’t stop. I’m stressed too, yet I find ways to give him something. I know life isn’t always fun, I just feel I have sacrificed so much.
That's not what grooming is. He's using the wrong word.
This guy is how old and he is sending you crying photos? Good grief. Cut your losses.
i would tell him that was lame and if he ever was so lame again i would never talk to him again. it's probably better not to talk to this low effort motherfucker ever again anyways
I need an update on this OP? What did he have to say for himself in the morning? Did you make him leave?
Ultimately that is their money, not your money, and you are not entitled to it. Nor does it sound like it's really about the money.
I'm glad ?
The mods of AITA removed my post and said it didn't belong there
Very professional
Yes, I told him that because I want to feel full again and so when we did it last night I felt a part of me broke, I felt like a part of me was lost. I also said it because I want to see if he truly loves me without it or is he just after sex.
lmfao you’re an idiot and you’re embarrassing yourself
You had been telling him how excited you were for a few weeks. You made it clear that it was important to you. He could've told you then if he didn't celebrate it. I think it's lazy on his part and likely to continue. Yes it's valid to be upset.
Does anyone have a link for the story her friend posted? Or remember any details?
You're in denial and unable to let go.
Move out.
Stop keeping yourself emotionally invested in relationship that ended.
Seriously think about.
You two were in a relationship… living together. And you needed to end things.. For the sake of improving it?! And LIVING TOGETHER?! You two failed miserably as a couple.
Holy. Let go. Move out.
Stop lingering. You're just holding each-other back.
Good luck with dating other people while you live with your ex. No one is signing up for that.
I know it’s cruel, but I don’t know if she can handle the death of someone else she loves and I don’t want her to hurt herself
You need to do what's best for YOUR health. Period.
I was like you once, and my world changed once I fully detoxed from BC. It takes a huge toll on your body and takes SO long for your hormones and menstrual cycle to reset itself.
If he doesn't respect your decision then you have to put your foot down and not give him any action. Why should he expect you to sacrifice your long-term health if he can't do something as simple as using a condom ? Definitely not cool.
If he doesn't respect you or your body enough to wrap his tool or get snipped (which neither are as detrimental as BC) then perhaps he's not “the one” for you.
Birth control pills are NOT the only choice for birth control for women. I also know of a lot of women who have problems with the birth control pill, and here's something interesting about the pill: it literally changes the type of men many women are attracted to. Interesting, huh? Anyway, I digress.
There are many options. For men, the only three that I know about are surgery (most likely permanent, it is NOT meant to be reversed and reversal is far from certain), condoms (which have varying degrees of unpleasantness, depending on the person), and abstinence (which is the most certain, but y'know…). Only discussing surgery for the guy or condoms is kind of excluding a lot of options. It is no more fair to put it all on the guy than it is to put it all on the gal.
Also, from personal, direct, experience, I can think of three people in my own life who were adamantly against having biological children at age 23 and changed their minds, having PLANNED children, before age 30. So surgery is probably not a great idea at this age. The brain isn't even done maturing until later than this.
So, all of that leaves other, newer, options for birth control. And there is a BIG list, but they all seem to be used by the woman since the “male pill” is still in development (I think…?). The only one of those that I am very familiar with is the Mirena IUD, which seemed to be well thought of by the women I know who used them.
I never said she had to stay with me I don’t understand where that came from. In the end, it’s going to have to be her choice and I am at peace with that but I feel like I gave up a lot of my life to provide for us and that is not easy on my side either. I don’t want to be gone away from my family. I want them to be with me wherever she wants to be is where I want to be I don’t care material. Things are just that to me, I just enjoy being able to give my family the things that they want and need. I have been on the other side of the spectrum was a bad job, making no money and that has its downsides as well a lot of arguments and a lot of stress worrying about how we are going to pay for things so there’s a fine line that you have to walk when it comes to supporting your family and being with your family you can never have at all that is something that off come to understand
I'm fairly sure cats can't open doors.
You’re too young for this. You have a big heart and you care, those are great traits. But your BF sounds like he’s trampling all over them. I know we’ll never understand the connection and how you feel, but from the outside, this sounds like he’s using reverse psychology to purposely trap you in guilt. There’s a reason you shared on Reddit and a reason you feel insane, it’s exactly where he wants you to be. If you were rational, you’d see through his bullshit. I know he’s struggling, but making it through rough patches requires extra effort on his behalf, not less. Best of luck with the breakup.
I want to be considered exclusive because they love me and find me, only me, desirable.
I know. I’ve been there with my ex and with my child. Your love is really clear here. She’s obviously very sick. Her body is screaming for help just as if she were in physical pain. The sleep and lack of activity is her body’s way of alerting her to seek answers. I’m so sorry. You know all of this.
When she changed her name after marrying him, it became her name. It isn’t any of your business what name she wants to call herself.
What happens if a supervisor comes to the office that’s a woman and says “I want to talk to you about “work stuff” let’s grab lunch and go over it or about a possible promotion”? Are you supposed to tell her well my gf doesn’t like me having lunch with women I don’t know. We have to discuss it in the office or not at all.
Ask her because having lunch with colleagues is a way to form tighter relationships and bond with those you work with. It’s why so many people had mental health issues during Covid lock downs. Over the years I can’t even count how many lunches I’ve had with male colleagues, many alone. I can say that in 40 years I have never dated anyone I worked with. Believe it or not many people still don’t believe in mixing business with pleasure. Besides its still an HR nightmare.
Honestly , leave.
You’ll never be on the same page again and even if she changes her mind all trust is broken.
Your options are leave now before the pain gets worse or wait until she cheats on you.
There’s nothing wrong with having different views , but you gotta figure out what your personally deal breakers are and stick to them.
She’ll find someone who agrees with her views and you will find someone who agrees with yours.
so the reddit crowd will give you a pass and tell you it's ok, it's his fault, if he doesn't shape up you should leave him.
Well, literally no one has said anything even close to that so far lol.
Understood. As you know, it takes active work to overcome those emotions. My suggestion would be to detach yourself from the situation and not take it as a personal affront against you and communicate with her so she can work through the feelings. A good way of doing this would be referring to the guy in her dream outside of yourself, “that guy was a prick…I would have done XYZ”, etc.
We’ve been dating for almost a year and a half now. No, we don’t live together.
OP, I am also old enough to be your mom, and Chemical is exactly right. Please don’t spend any more time dulling your sparkle just to please a man who does not trust you. (Doesn’t matter what he says, he doesn’t trust you). These young adult years are supposed to be a fun time in your life, a time during which you spend time and effort getting to know yourself. You have plenty of years to be beholden to a man if that’s what you really want, and this one is defective anyway. Please move on.
She doesn’t clean while the baby is napping she literally calls that her alone time. She reads a book, does a craft or takes a nap herself with the baby. Cleaning only starts when I get home
Done with college at 19? Lol ok
He expects you to do his work for him. Dump him now. Do the project on your own and tell your professor that he isn’t helping.
He expects you to do his work for him. Dump him now. Do the project on your own and tell your professor that he isn’t helping.
I understand that you do the chores, but to be completely honest, most of the chores you listed are very low level chores. Unless you have to sort the trash, all of that takes 5 minutes or less per chore. This plan gives you the dinner and bedtime routine as well as shopping and folding. It might be tough the first weeks but practice makes it better. There have been quite a few good responses, so here is a way to try to get more off your wife's plate:
Try to put in a meal prep day/time. You didn't mention cooking under your responsibilities, so if your wife does the majority of the cooking, spend some time putting together an easy meal kit. This could be dino nuggets, mac n cheese, and grapes and strawberries. Make a meal prep kit for at least that one night where, while still healthy, easy easy to make and cause less fuss if they are a picky eater. Now, try this for all of the kids (much easier if the middle kids still take jarred/premade baby food). Buy paper plates and use aluminum foil/disposable items for cooking. Reduce the dishes that night. Also add in at least 1 extra kid meal for another day/night that week, leave a sticky note for your wife that you love her on it. Have your oldest sweep/wipe down the table, it doesn't have to be perfect. These are really easy tasks, it can help start them on getting some chores done and allows you to focus on brushing the middle kids' teeth, putting on pajamas, and taking the trash out if needed (the trash can also be taken out after the kids go to bed). If your wife breastfeeds, ask her earlier in the week, if she has the ability to, to make 2-3 extra bags of milk. That way you can feed the baby that night, the whole night. Depending on the age/ tendency of the youngest kids. Take them all for a walk/car ride. If your babies fall asleep in a car seat or stroller then do that (why you had the middle kids brush their teeth right after dinner). A walk also allows your middles/oldest to get tired out faster. When you get home, tell the oldest that they can choose the book for that night if they brush their teeth and put on pajamas before bed. This allows you to check the baby for a feeding and diaper one more time, and put the middle two to bed. Then you can read to the oldest or they might already be asleep from the walk. When you get home, cuddle with your wife. Other responses mentioned to build intimacy instead of focusing on sex. If she is awake/drowsy, just whisper to her how amazing and beautiful she is, don't talk about how great of a mom she is, just focus on how much you love her, and let her fall asleep. Try to do this 1-2x a week, more often is better. Remind your oldest how much you appreciate them helping with the sweeping and that they do a great job. Make this family routine. Start to do other stuff like folding washcloths/towels with your oldest while you two read/watch cartoons. If your oldest is starting to read, you can also have them read to the baby while you get the middle two in bed, and keep a running list of items that need to be bought through the week and take the oldest and youngest to the store with you for a “shopping challenge.” If the oldest can help you find all the items on your list in X amount of time (without running), they can have a candy bar/you can buy cookie dough to make for mom/dad/oldest. Then tell them they did it and this can help prevent them from constantly asking for things in the store. After you have spent time showing her that you doing these things does not require her to have sex, do a sex session that is focused on her. Tune into her body and reactions over your arousal. Check to see if anything has changed regarding erotic zones (she might have areas that are less sensitive post-partum) and focus on what parts of the body she still focuses on as “sexual” (if she breastfeeds, she might not consider breasts “sexy”). Just do some exploring and take note, focus on her arousal than getting your satisfaction.
REMEMBER: this all needs to be done with very little help or questions to your wife, while any breastmilk production needs to be done by her, do all the other meal prep by yourself. Tell her to go take a soak in the tub, read a good book, relax. If you can give her the whole day that would be amazing, if not, then try to give her a good 4 hours. For adults, try to order something out or make something easy with little clean up (depends on your finances and how often you can/want to eat out). Try to focus on foods that she enjoys eating and you feel confident cooking.
Extra tips:
look at getting oldest into rec sports/ YMCA camps, great way to get them active/lose energy, you can take the little ones out to games or do the shopping after, and it builds a support network (YOU need to get to know the other parents, offer to do pick up/ drop off rotations with other local parents, and schedule play dates at the other kids houses as it will open up some time for you two, host a few play dates and take them and the middles to the park) story time can be your friend- reading to them and then having oldest read to your siblings cause them to love reading and can add minutes to your time for a quick catch up on chores/break add a song to EVERYTHING, kitchen sweep/wipe with oldest can be the Barney clean up song, brushing teeth can be a song, and more. Get creative, because it also tells you if they are doing the thing you asked them too ask around for recommendations on a babysitter and 2-3 solid back ups. Learn their contact information, rates, etc. and during the rac practices when you aren't on car duty, take your wife for a date either out or at home. Keep your phone on for the sitter. If you are on car rotation with 2-3 other parents then you have plenty of time to schedule dates
Someone is going to tell your husband. Either that person will be you, or you'll have to explain why you didn't. That's not going to be a good look for you.
Updateme!
Leave this friendship, you did nothing wrong
Nah, adults need to be adults. If they're not, it's to the streets until they grow up.
Run.
Ok…..so……she broke up with you…is going to see other people while you work on yourself? Yeah dude it’s over, leave her alone, and don’t call your next girlfriend slurs.
Half the porn out there is either step bro, or step mom porn who aren't blood-related. Is that what she was referring to? Or actual blood relations?
None of my female friends send me pictures of them posing in dresses. My wife does though. I wonder why that is?
Hey OP, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. It sounds like you’re not really happy in your relationship and you’re just staying with her out of guilt or obligation. That’s not fair to either of you. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel excited and passionate, and she deserves to be with someone who loves her back. You can’t force yourself to feel something that’s not there.
I know it’s nude to break up with someone who’s so sweet and caring, but trust me, it’s better for both of you in the long run. You don’t want to string her along and make her think everything is fine when it’s not. You don’t want to resent her for holding you back from finding someone else. And you don’t want to hurt her more by breaking up with her after she moves or comes out.
The best thing you can do is be honest with her and tell her how you feel. Don’t blame her or yourself, just explain that you care about her but you’re not in love with her. Be gentle but firm, and don’t give her false hope or mixed signals. Let her know that you’ll always be there for her as a friend if she needs you, but respect her space if she doesn’t.
It’s going to suck for a while, but eventually things will get better. You’ll both heal and move on with your lives. You’ll find someone who makes your heart skip a beat, and she’ll find someone who adores her as much as she adores them. Trust me, breaking up is naked but staying together when you’re not in love is harder.
I hope this helps OP. Stay strong and good luck.
TL;DR: Break up with your girlfriend gently but firmly because you’re not in love with her and it’s better for both of you in the long run.
Post says you can't recall the exact reason why she denied entry, if it was because the bag was too big or not. I think that's a major detail, given the strict bag restrictions many many sports venues have now.
Places I've been have policy to only allow really small bags, as in the average purse is turned away for being too big and ppl have to take it back to their car or rent a locker on site. They allow medical exceptions to allow bigger-than-tiny bags, but even medical bags have size limits.
Obviously could be discrimination and ADA violations and whatever else. BUT it also is possible she could have brought in whatever medical supplies she needs if they were in a smaller bag vs being tossed into purse or clutch that exceeded size limits.
If I put some necessary medications into a backpack and go to a game at any venue around my area, I'm going to be denied entry. Not from discrimination, but simply because I should have put it into a smaller bag. Just offering a different explanation for her not getting in.
Both your feelings are valid. You're not wrong in still being hurt over her inaction but she's also not wrong for feeling like she's not enough because of your cheating.
There's no magic answer to this other than you guys need to talk. Children are not a reason to stay in a dead marriage and her off-hand comment that you'd stay for the children was out of line.
You two, together, need to decide if the relationship is worth saving and if that answer is yes then you both need to put in the naked work.
As a woman, if my husband did what you did then i would be done, as would my husband if the roles were reversed but none of us are in your relationship to say what you should do. Other than to say, a long talk, just the two of you for you guys to decide where to go from here.
Yeah, you can get that reward without doing anything before, like the other dude did.
Count this as a blessing to avoid her issues!!
Suggestion:
Buy some flavored sex lube.
Sometimes certain people are seemingly addicted to the drama of a toxic relationship. And it is extremely difficult for some people to be in a healthy relationship without the toxic drama. They may think that is what they want until they start missing drama that always comes with a toxic relationship. It is sad, but you are probably better off if this is the case.
Retreat to a safe distance & throw chocolate at her.
No seriously tho, the first thing is to sincerely apologize. You're boy apologizing because you're “wrong” or a terrible person, you're apologizing because you hurt her, even tho unintentionally, & hurting her is the absolute last thing you'd ever wanna do, because you love her.
Next, offer get anything in the world you can do to make it up to her, after taking initiative & doing something selfless first.
What could you do? Well, she may not want see you too much right now, because of the incident, so surprise her by arranging for her friends to come grab her for a girl's night in, while you either cook for them or order food, pick it up if they don't deliver, & then split, so the ladies can hang! Or they can go out together, but the point is to do something that wood make her feel good inside.
While she's away, write her a sincere letter of everything you love love love about her & arrange for a romantic occasion after the girl hangout. Even pick up her half of the house chores, make her know she's valued.
I should mention, as for the second step of a romantic encounter, forsake any & all hopes for sex! This is about her, not you. You should be concerned with cheering her up.
Above all, y'all need to talk. Let her expression just how hurt she was, even if might lash out at you in the process; offer get a listening ear.
Also, don't bother spamming compliments to change her mind, ok? That'll come across as insincere & unauthentic, not genuine. You want to spend this time not commenting on her body at all, even positively. Compliment her non physical attributes, put it on writing, along with how deeply it pained you to accidently hurt her, & that you've had no peace ever since.
Be careful tho about surprising her with food, as this incident has temporarily heightened her body insecurities. Perhaps just having her girl friends come get her & then providing dicks will be enough, tho throwing in snacks couldn't hurt I suppose.
Like I said, above all, y'all need to talk.
So if it happened to you, you would boycott but it happened to the person you love so you're ok with the place?
Personally I don't think she should have needed to ask you to boycott – I'd boycott a place if they denied access to a disabled person I didn't know, never mind my partner.
Definitely. Problem is: will she? And even if she does, with her current attitude, I don't see it happen anytime soon unless something drastic happens like: she bullies some white kid into unlife-ing themselves. She's way too engrossed in this toxic rhetoric seen on tiktok these days, and OP confirmed she scrolls through it a LOT!
No one that puts hands on you is your soul mate. I repeat NO ONE WHO PUTS HANDS ON YOU IS YOUR SOUL MATE. You leave for someone who won't assault you when they lose control of their emotions. Sounds like he might be love bombing you too
Dude . . . . . Everything is fine with this guy until he doesn't get something the way he wants. Instead of spending time with you he canceled all plans bc you can't stay the night to have sex with him. I'm not going to even address the age gap because everybody else will. I can almost guarantee you this guy is not good news though. You don't really sound like you even know him all that well because you can't spend a lot of time together. Keep paying attention to how he treats you. Whether he makes decisions for you. How he listens to you. How he respects your right to have say over what you do and don't want to do. Pay attention to how he handles disappointment and your no. Those are the things that will tell you what you need to know.
You can be hurting, and still be completely selfish and unreasonable. In fact, usually people who do treat other people poorly are coming from a place of pain or trauma. It doesn't mean other people accept being treated badly. I'm not tone deaf- I know exactly where it's coming from. But people who have pain need to address it without lashing out or trying to hurt other people, and her trying to limit his family at the event will hurt him. If someone is in so much pain they can't see their partner's valid needs as important, and is in so much pain they can't treat someone fairly, then they're in too much pain to be in a healthy relationship.
Subway!
if that’s the case man, it might be best to cut ur losses. if she’s being like this bc of a hip injury now, i can’t imagine how she’ll be if u guys get older together and other medical issues start happening.
i’m sorry ur going through this tho, i hope u know none of this is ur fault.
I’m not sure what to tell you other than this is an untenable situation. It’s not healthy that your wife is allowing you to have “sleep sex” with her. It’s not the answer to the problem that she thinks it is. It’s also not healthy that she doesn’t allow you to masturbate. That’s quite frankly ridiculous. And people are focusing on the sex part of your post because that seems to be the main issue. This dry spell you’re going through would most likely not be affecting you as heavily as it is if you were able to masturbate instead of having sex with your unconscious wife.
If your pictures look the same then how do you know it was because of your weight? I assume your pictures look different since you noted he unmatched you as soon as you sent the newer pics.
More Pineapple!
You were curled up shaking?
I feel like there’s way more to this story
My worry is that since I’ve never asked in two years, could that possibly make her negatively reflect more on her body image?
Also, doesn’t even need to be clean shaven! In fact (and perhaps tmi), she’s told me a little bit of hair down there gives some extra stimulation for her. But this is definitely beyond that
Why are you asking someone else what would make it worthwhile?! Ask yourself that.
I don’t want to force it, I just feel I should give her the opportunity to, you know?
It’s a hygiene issue, I’d be like no sex till hygiene is up to standard if they can’t fix it I’m out
I'd never have married someone like that.
That's toxic AF.
Because i know it would hurt sleeping next to him knowing he’s slept with someone else.
This is a pretty big indicator that opening up the relationship so he can essentially cheat on you to experience what it's like being with a man is not gonna work out. If he wants to explore that and you aren't comfortable with it, then you guys need to break up.
I put his wants first
This is incredibly unhealthy behavior. It's absolutely fine to fulfill someone's wants, but not at the expense of your own mental health. Does he ever put your wants first? How often do you go along with things that you're uncomfortable with just so he can get what he wants? How often do you put yourself second? Your wants and desires are just as important as his. And if you don't feel that they are, then you would do well to get into therapy.
him not helping me face HIS feelings
You can't force someone to face their feelings. You cna try all you like, but at the end of the day, he's got to want to do it. And I really honestly think you should be focusing on your own feelings because your post points to a codependent attachment to this guy and it's not healthy.
Yeah, I’m sorry but the first time my roommate brought a psycho over, it was the last. All 5’2” had to herd the guy outside with a fire poker at 2am when I had work in the morning.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want her to hook up, it’s that she displayed terrible judgement in hookups so those were off the table going forward.
Yeah that's just dumb.
He can't protect her any better than her friends could.
I can only wonder if you’d feel differently had the genders been reversed. Respectfully, if I was going to manipulate someone it would be to benefit myself. I don’t see how I am benefiting in any way
She's got issues…live your life and be happy and if she doesn't call then so be it.
she brought the guy in, and he escalated stuff. so yeah it's her fault.
She sounds like too much work. It is better to start a new relationship with someone with your values.
You agreed to it. It sounds like he doesn't want dogs in beds, period. They were there first, but it's reasonable for someone to not want dogs in them. Them being in the bedroom is one step away from them jumping into bed. I recommend some sort of compromise, getting the dogs beds in your bedroom maybe.
Nah, this relationship is dead, you both just aren't admitting it yet.
You can't come back from horribly critiquing each other's bodies that way, it's not possible, especially not at your ages.
Also, don't be with someone who would make comments about your body like that to try and get his way. Because as shitty and toxic as your comment was, you most definitely did not “start it”. But further, he had absolutely no reason to go nuclear like that.
Fwiw, you will find a relationship where you would never even consider cutting your partner down this way, no matter what he said, and it will also be because your partner would never cut you down in the way he did. Love is respect. Remember that. Someone who respects you, who you respect, would never speak the way you two have to eachother. (And you shouldn't respect this Muppet btw,).
Saying you can “squeeze him in” tells him he’s an afterthought of lowest priority to you.
Dude, you continue to studiously pretend that medical fact and reality doesn't exist
Your deep dishonesty and endless thing bitch b.s. about men being baby trapped when men don't take a shed of responsibility for their own contraception is exposed by the facts every time.
I understand you don't like that but if you continue to post blatant lies, I conti ue to post the facts exposing your entitled irrational b.s.
Forget everything else. It's very simple. If the relationship cannot survive you two working different jobs, then it's not really all that meaningful at all.
I can understand your annoyance if he frequently fell asleep when you two went to the movies. Either the movie times are too late for him, or the movies aren’t entertaining enough to keep him awake, but he shouldn’t accompany people to the movies if sleeping snoring will be the result.
His reaction to your frustration was way out of line. You were completely right to break up with him for his behavior.
She needs medication, not counseling. Take her to her doctor.
I posted to get advice, seeing as this is a subreddit for ADVICE. Why are you commenting when you can’t even bother reading past the first damn sentence and understanding what it’s about?
I agree he should acknowledge he is listening to her and wants to understand her perspective and feelings about the situation. But would it be a good time to share his after that? That might come across that he hears her perspective but doesn't care about it and is just letting her “get it over with” so he can say what he wants to.
What practical action follows after? Supposing OP isn't being irrational and there is an unfair division of labor against him should he just ignore that if it makes her feel pressured? Saying “I don't want you to feel like you have to do these things” might not be a great approach if the reason is because they don't get done if he doesn't say anything.
I read an article that I think was titled “My Wife Left Me Because I Didn't Do the Dishes” that explores the frustration of a partner that always needs to be told to do their fair share of chores. Although it was primarily discussing from a woman's perspective it might very well apply here if OP is doing the bulk of household responsibilities.
If my man wasn’t okay with my dog in the bed, I wouldn’t be okay with him in it. My dog has been my source of comfort for 7 years of sleepless nights and nightmares, I feel comfortable when he’s snoring by my feet. Honestly I would have never agreed to kicking my dog out of the bed in the first place, get rid of the man and enjoy snuggles in bed with your dogs.
IMO the best way to divide finances is proportionally.
Take your income, his income, as a proportion of total earnings. Things that are unambiguously shared like rent, utilities, food in the primary living space should be divided proportionally. E.g if he makes 60%, he pays 60%.
From there, each person has individual costs. I would categorize his rental of an additional space as his responsibility, seeing as he is claiming it on his own taxes.
For purchases, my wife and I go 50-50 as we focus on split use rather than proportional income.
You're saying you used to be a piece of shit, but you're not now?
Slicked back hair, sloppy steaks at Truffoni's, chicken spaghetti at Chikalini's?
Because I am confused why her best friend’s boyfriend got upset about it while I’m not. That’s why I’m making this post… to see if I’m missing something or not realizing something.
Go there. Without warning. Call her when you get to the hotel and say you need to speak with her. This thing has dragged on long enough.
Considering how she reacted to her hair, just wait until one of her cosmetic surgeries gets botched.
Your boyfriend was worse than useless, a completely impotent spectator to both you being assaulted AND some other asshole harassing you afterwords to keep you quiet about it.
“He doesn't know” why he did absolutely nothing? That's not an acceptable answer. He can figure it out while he's single and maybe he won't be so useless for his next partner. I don't think you're ever going to be able to get over the sight of him standing right next to you and doing absolutely NOTHING, nor should you. For all his talk about protecting you he showed you that when the chips are down he's a nonentity and having him there was no safer than you being alone.
That was an extremely long post, but the long and the short of it is she’s into your friend. She completely wants to turn him on, maybe she wants the satisfaction of saying nope you can’t have me… But I’m not so sure about that.
Show her she is a child grown from love. Tonight create a photo album filled with loving pictures from her childhood. Write a sweet letter saying she is so amazing and special and whatever would speak to her heart… and that she was grown from love. Give her something tangible to hold onto right now.
Also sign her up for a therapy appointment and pay for it for at least the first few months. Cerebral seems like a good remote one. Just make the first appointment (loop in her fiancé for the date) and have the bill go to you.
let him know I had my dog for 8 years and I was only dating him for like 6 months. There was no way I would give up my dog
Confused about how long you're dating the guy – is it 6 months or 8 years?
Keep the baby and dump your husband . He left you, slept with someone a week after doing so and now, as you finally get pregnant and have other options, he comes out of the woodwork, wanting to work it out? Hell no. He is going to leave you again and then you will be alone without your baby. Your mom should be supporting you, not your ex. Remind her that this may be the only grandchild she gets from you and her stance now is going to determine whether she will be allowed to see them
Thank you for recommendation.
Reality is as a man you have an inherent duty to violence if this happens and I think as toxically masculine it may be this is the reality. Remember this next time men are told to be sensitive and docile. You don’t get both
I’m just baffled why they would even tell you about the note addressed to you if they planned to keep it and not even let you read it. Regardless of reasoning that just seems like a jerk-ish thing to do.
My advice to you would be to see a therapist, maybe visit your parents or have a weekend with close friends. No one should have to go through those feelings alone.
True, It seems to be leading to this only. I was just feeling bad coz i don't think it's her fault either. But now, as you all have said, it seems a breakup doesn't need to be anyone's fault. It can be just incompatibility.
Fair enough. I would suggest talking to a therapist (maybe a sex therapist!) about how you feel. Get to the bottom of why you feel like this. If it’s insecurity, then talking to someone might help you understand that people who watch porn rarely see the porn stars as anything more than tools to stimulate horniness. Sometimes when I watch porn I’m not even attracted to the video participants, it’s simply what they’re doing which gets me going. I don’t have any emotional reaction to them and I don’t give them a second’s thought when I’m not actually watching a video.
There’s also a tonne of porn out there- if you’re not someone who consumes porn, you wouldn’t believe the breadth and diversity of porn available. Tonnes of it features real, loving couples who don’t have surgeried bodies and who are very normal looking (sometimes even below average looking!). Maybe as a compromise you could ask that he experiment with watching more normal, amateur stuff that isn’t over produced. In my opinion this would be a fair ask as certain types of amateur porn are much less staged and are less likely to present sex as a performative, male pleasure focussed event.
I tend to suspect that most people who dislike their partner watching porn come from a place of insecurity (which is understandable- a lot of pornstars have had tonnes of plastic surgery and look like Instagram models) even if they say it’s because they feel porn is cheating. Porn is just a visual stimulation. The only way to totally remove someone’s sexual visual stimuli would be to delete their sexual history from their memory bank. I’m sure most of us would prefer our partners to watch a bit of porn if they want some light relief than spend their time visualising all of the women they’ve actually slept with.
Preach.
They are married, it is their home. She is allowed to invite her own parents over, that’s just not feasible to only expect one partner to be able to invite anyone over. “Two yeses/one no”, this is a partnership not a business deal. It takes compromise sometimes, and sometimes you’ve got to suck it up and deal with things you don’t absolutely love. She visits with his family all the time, and he still has the same issue with his own parents. This tells me it’s not just her mother that is the big issue here.
I would honestly say if he can’t deal with having a guest over for a week every year and a half, then they need to work some things out. He can book a trip with friends, opt out of excursions so she can give him his space for some of the days, spend some time with his own family or invite some friends over so he can feel included. There’s lots of ways to make his time easier but if the alternative is OP never getting to see her parents, since they can’t afford flights + hotel, then I’d say he is a huge ass for not being even remotely accommodating.
I have been in your situation twice. I cried and whined about it the first time, blew it off as a one off and then it happened a second time. Then met the guy I got dumped for and understood yeah “I totally get it, now how do I avoid this a third time?”
My dude you're 20, dont know shit. Just dust yourself, do what you gotta do and keep it moving. You dont figure this stuff out until much later after you've done all the fucking up. You're look back at this later and realize you were fussing over nothing.
It's time to walk away dude. If what you say is true, you are in a relationship that is dangerous to your well-being .
That in sickness and in health part always gets forgotten pretty damn fast at first convenience.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
My partner has this habit of constantly giving suggestions and repeating them– for instance,
When we're going out and I wear sandals but I've not worn the straps properly, he'll tell me to fix them first saying I'm damaging them and only then I can leave. Although I'll tell them I'll fix them in the car. I know sometimes I just slip my feet over the straps out of laziness but I feel like he's treating me like a child telling me this repeatedly.
I bought a pair of shoes for workout after he asked me repeatedly that he'll take me out to buy a pair, I just wanted to buy them live and when I got them he didnt like them and he asked me to return them. When I said I'll keep them he asked me many times if I really liked them and it's kind of a waste of money although I said I didn't care and it's my shoes so why should it concern him. His words were, “what is this argument, my shoes, why should you care, I care, I'm on your side,” but I found his continuous questioning about this suffocating. He just doesn't seem to understand.
My mom gave me some money during the holidays to buy clothes (it's a tradition) and I just wanted to buy some nice long dresses but he had come to the store and repeatedly pestered me to buy leggings for the dress. Finally when I said I'll buy them later he said, “maybeimbonkers, we're buying leggings now. Not tomorrow, not in the evening, now.” This was in front of everyone in the store.
These are just a few instances. I'm unable to tell anymore if this is natural or what, but I just feel so suffocated and honestly my communication has completely stopped because I no longer feel like I'm talking to a partner. It's weird because he can be so gentle and loving but then he does stuff like this and doesn't even seem to understand when I tell him it's my choice (especially things like clothes and shoes).
TL; DR: Husband constantly tells me what to do about clothes, shoes, etc and it's getting very overbearing. When I retort asking him to drop it he says that I view him as an adversary but he only is pointing out because he cares.
You let her down gently. You tell her you realized that you are on different pages in life. You aren't ready to settle down and get married. You want to experience more of life, and that's nothing to do with her. She wants marriage and kids, and you aren't ready for that. There's no shame in that.
Just don't string her along or give her false hope. Just a clean break, it's for the best.
Im sorry this happened to you. She took advantage of you. I know as a man wrapping your head around the possibility you have been SAd is difficult. But this is what has happened. Even when you want to complete the act but safely and say no/wait and she doesnt. Its assault. Get yourself tested, seek therapy and consider your legal options. Stop all contact with her. She is not a friend. Please take care of yourself.
Run for the hills! Seriously!
Please leave ASAP. Do not tell him, do not let him know you're going. Stay with a safe family member or friend or contact a shelter. This man is isolating and financially abusing you.
What were you using as birth control before you got pregnant?
No dude, you're good. This is your prime. Lots of women have baggage near 30. Take your time though.
As you said, both Gonorrhea and Chlamydia can take many months before showing symptoms. But some people also develop symptoms within a week.
It would be a bit surprising for you to contract one of these STIs in your throat and develop symptoms in 3 days.
It's possible you contracted it before your relationship with your recent ex and didn't know it. It's possible your recent ex contracted it before his relationship with you. It's possible he cheated on you and contracted it during your relationship.
It is not possible to correlate both the throat/head symptoms and genital symptoms. Is it possible they are both the same STI? Sure. Is it likely? No one can say.
The only possible way to unwind is to have a conversation with your ex (and/or previous ex(s)), and have everyone get tested to verify.
But that's a lot to go through for a moot point. The only thing that can come of figuring out how the thing ultimately got to you is hurt feelings or maybe even guilt.
The responsible thing to do is to inform your ex that you tested positive for this regardless of whether you decide to ask about infidelity, because he may be infected and contagious and not know it.
You are lucky in that both of these are curable. You can take your antibiotics for a couple months and put all of this behind you. Try not to dwell.
Stand your ground. Clear the poo!
He's lucky you're a good dude. Don't blame you at all for having that as a personal standard. It's terrible that your “friend” actually did that to you.
Along with how to handle him…it kinda jumps out that you were having sex you hated for damn good reason, and were at risk of passing out, and still didn't call it off.
It's nude to not worry about that a bit.
I know it's not always easy to make quick judgment calls in the heat of the moment, but you shouldn't have to put up with being hurt during sex, accidentally or otherwise.
I hope you'd usually be willing to walk away as needed, even if it's awkward or abrupt, you know?
I love seeing how weird these reactions are to hair of a beloved, lifelong , loved animal. They’d love to know what I collect of animals that weren’t even mine 😉 lol
I'm gonna play Devil's advocate and say maybe she has changed. Maybe she was going through a really horrible mental health crisis at the time. What steps has she taken to combat that mental health crisis? What steps is she taking to prevent that from happening again? People can change, it is possible. All of that said, and those questions asked; Can you trust her? A lot of what she did was abuse. She stole from you, she gaslit you, she lied to you, she sabotaged something you liked, and finally she took advantage of you. If she had come to you on her own and told you she had done this to you and showed she was remorseful and tried to make amends, this might be a different story. But she was only remorseful when she was caught. If you want this relationship to work, you need couples counseling. You need a safe space to talk this out with an unbiased 3rd party. Otherwise, there is no point.
How does it feel taking care of a full grown man's bowels? Sucks you have to mother your kids AND husbandm
Thanks for your concern and advice. He’s not a violent person, it’s more emotional. I do not think we are compatible because I don’t feel like we are in a partnership together. I don’t think he means to be like that but when I bring up how it’s affecting me, he doesn’t apologize or take action to change – that’s what really concerns me longterm. For the longest time I believed him that I was the sole problem. But really working on myself and taking time to examine what I want, I do not feel like he actually loves me for me – more for the idea that he isn’t alone and that I am all his / do as he wishes. I feel like I’m not myself anymore & I don’t want to continue on like that.
You should start going to family events, that way you can see if the vibe is harmless or not
You definitely called it with the nude thing this is from one of OPs other post yesterday:
She leans heavily towards the financial domination type relationship and goddess worship. I pay the rent, I do whatever she wants, whenever she wants and she’s used the term “hot wife” to describe herself.
And
The unique part about us is that I'm committed to her, I don't have another partner and she would freak out if I slept with another woman. If I'm okay with this for now, is this sustainable?
It’s Overwatch. I wish she’d stop playing if it’s gonna constantly piss her off. Even when she’s playing for fun, there are times she gets pissed at it.
I wish I was so lucky. One of my exes slapped me awake because she vividly dreamt I was cheating.
The relationship didn't survive the night.
Has he been watching a lot of those manosphere type videos lately? Sounds like he's been taking on some misogynist ideals.
Also no, don't change yourself. There's nothing wrong with being independent and having your own opinions.
Ty I’m leaving her. I’ve noticed a trend with LA women specifically from the valley that tend to be attention centric with lots of attention seeking behaviors. She has no limits, no remorse and no empathy. I’ve had it with her. She’s currently in Brazil with her ex on a work trip and he posted videos of them at carnaval in Valentine’s Day. That same night she was pinning outfits on Pinterest for a trip to Romania that I paid for as a gift for Christmas for us at the end of the year. Proof that she thinks because she’s attractive she can be in Brazil with her ex planning what she’s going to where on a trip paid for by me, talk about a narcissist
The whole blacking out thing and his girlfriend being scared for the robber don’t sound like they would be in OP’s favor either way.
I did try that, and while that time alone gave me some time to reflect, i feel that this issue only arises with him. It’s nude to work on it if i’m not experiencing it and applying it, and i don’t fight with my friends at all and my family is 25 hours away.
however, i did move out of our place together and am living on my own for the moment to give us some space.
I mean.. it’s clearly his address
It happened to me and my wife. During her university studies we used both pills and condoms to be extra safe. None of us wanted another kid, especially at that time. We already had a 12 year old girl and my wife wanted to finally go back and finish her studies now when we had some stability. She got pregnant and now we have a little one year old girl at home as living proof.
Odds are astronomical, of course, but millions upon millions of people have sex every single day, many of them using dual protection. Multiply those millions of people to every day of the year and it's statistically bound to happen every now and then, and it does.
Multiple people win lotteries around the world every year despite odds being hundreds of millions to one for the highest payouts, so that point pretty much goes against your argument.
Take a lawyer and leave his ass
Men don’t do this without a reason
Your mind is going to the thought that he’s got another woman or something along those lines when the more likely reason is he doesn’t want his soon to be ex wife coming around whenever the hell she feels like it
I’m not going to pry about what the issues you two had but they must have been serious enough that he doesn’t want you knowing where he is and you need to respect that
His life challenges are not unique. What you are describing is a man that is failing to cope with everyday life.
I've been where you are. You can't help him. He's past the point where a pep talk and encouragement works. He needs professional help.
I suggest you get out of the way. Encourage him to seek professional help. If he refuses, then you need to reassess being with him.
The world is full of good people without mental health issues and people who are not 'needy'.
Love is not a solid reason to settle for a partner that is not there for you.
Dump her. Next question?
We’ve been married for 5 years so this person should have shown it’s ugly head before. He use to be aggressive and break things but I thought we got over that. The last time it happened was before Covid. Everything has been fine until he goes and sees his family. He comes back different each time. After a few weeks he is normal though. With them supposed to be coming he just changed again just way worst.
But then, she was the one who made sure the break is exclusive. She mentioned how important I was to her, that she sees a future with me. So I take all of this and what all people say and I am so lost.
You don’t force someone you say you love to visit people they are in no contact with end of that’s it and she should respect that
You have two bigger issues: 1. The relationship is long distance 2. Your conversations are primarily over text
These two obstacles need to be addressed before picking apart texting strategies and whether she is using tactics to “test” you.
If you aren’t making an effort to meet in person and make the effort to make a permanent relocation, and if your conversations aren’t moving to phone calls and then video calls, your chances of this relationship progressing is very slim.
Uh yes… why would you date someone who doesn’t have children if you know you want children. And yes if I know my boyfriend can’t have kids or if I was to know I can’t carry a child I would expect that to be disclosed prior to a date if not the first date
RUN!!! Nothing you described is love. It’s abusive and at no point in this story has he respected your boundaries. Find someone you trust and just leave. It’s escalated and now his remedy is to “fix things in the bedroom”? This is not a sexual compatibility issue, this is someone who has coerced and manipulated you into using your own body and privacy for his own sexual gratification. Get Out Now. The fact that he has videos of you performing these acts is frightening and I hope you have access to delete this immediately.
To me it’s pretty clear cut: if he’s not willing to put in the effort then he isn’t as serious as you deserve.
I imagine if you make the effort and get back with him you’ll slide back into the old patterns within a few months.
You’re 21 and in college with nearly infinite options. You can do better.
You’ve been around the block. Surely you know how to break up with someone. “I’ve met someone else” would work as would the old standby “It’s not you, it’s me.”
This isn’t difficult.
Thank you. Maybe that was the “pushing the idol down from its pedestal” with a spade that OP needed so badly.
He idolized her. Which didn't do him much good.
This is where my ex had a big issue. He thought we should heal on his timeline. It doesn't work like that.
Good for you? Pregnancy and birth is different for everyone. If you had an easy experience, count your lucky stars, and try to have empathy for people who had it harder.
Not only is he almost definitely cheating, but with those kind of funds being sent to her, I would worry there is a baby on the way.
Get a PI. You need as much proof as possible so that the judge is on your side when your guys inevitably divorce. I’m so sorry. That must be heartbreaking. But keep your wits about you. Don’t let your emotions run the game because you may lose a lot in the aftermath.
And it is free in our country, money is not relevant here
I love this girl with all of my heart,
You are in love with the idea of her and incredibly scared of being single. You don't love yourself if you put up with this type of treatment. There is no coming back. Your wife wants to live a single barfly life with hookups and also of course have stability with you. You deserve better and I can guarantee you that there are a lot of women who will appreciate what you bring to the table.
I had a GF who started to act the way that your wife was going out and being generally disruptive and evasive. No cheating tho. (Or at least I'm pretty sure no cheating but who ever knows for sure.) I ended things after a long relationship. Best decision I have ever made.
So he offers nothing physically, emotionally, financially, or sexually… I'm not sure what the question is here
Is your AP pushing you to do this?
She knew I felt a bit uncomfortable as I told her, but then I lied and said it will be okay and I was messing as I don’t want to be that person that tells someone not to see someone, currently he is going round for pizza, I was slightly blunt when she told me then she said she will cancel all the plans as she doesn’t want me to feel that way and I lied as to why I was blunt “busy at work so I had to quickly reply from my watch” so now he’s round for pizza with her and I’m currently in gym releasing my stress
What kind of fucked up God insists on women being raped? Sounds like you need to reevaluate your belief system.
Get the paternity test very soon. Because if this turns out to be your baby all is well. If not, deal with the reality and decide together. Adoption is a loving solution.
Your well within your rights to get your eyebrow pierced. Your boyfriend is well within his rights to say he doesn’t like it, and to demand you remove it or he will end the relationship. Now you get the choice: what matters more, the eyebrow piercing or the boyfriend? Also, ask yourself a second question: how much control over your dress and appearance are you willing to relinquish for this relationship? In my experience, when you allow someone to dictate what you wear, there is no putting that genie back in the bottle.
The dude's 20, he just doesn't know how to maturely act to an upsetting situation. I think it's a bit much to call him an asshole because he said she looks like an idiot, in the grand scheme of things that's a pretty tame insult compared to your average 20 year old.
You’re 19, best thing is to learn from this for relationships moving forward. Your 20s are for dating and to learn about relationships, how you are in them and what you want in a partner. Don’t be so nude on yourself it’s all part of the experience!
Oh god, no way. She's clearly using you.
So happy I'm single. Dating is so expensive. Especially if one person never ever pays. WTF
Yes, I have insomnia and nothing worse than lying awake listening to someone breathing all night and not being able to do anything.
Propose a 3some with 2 guys instead…. Seriously though, look at all the posts where people bring in a 3rd person into their relationship even when on board with it. Most of those end up not working out well for one of the 2 in the relationship. Don't do it becaue you will regret it especially since you're not confortable with it.
It's probably a lots of guys' fantasy. If he accepts the no and doesn't bring it up again i might look past it. However of this is a recurring question and he's hoping to beat you down I'd kick him to the curb
I'm suddenly worried about the animals in your life for the same reason…
We've talked about the breakup a bit, and he's not very close with my ex as of now. He said that my ex didn't treat me well enough, and he's been distancing himself from him.
The how doesn't really matter. Why didn't it point to a Walmart? Why not the home of a family friend that isn't suspicious?
She just found a way to convince you it was wrong. But the odds of it pointing to such a specific location is damning and I think you know it. In the end, you'll wish you had been rational about this.
Not a lady, but sure, what a stunning and powerful rebuttal! I'm in awe of your reasoning!
/s obviously
Why do you think he wouldn’t sext her now? Even a year or more from now.
Headphones, play music uou like and can sleep to.
Failing that, find a way to move out. Be glad they have reconnected.
Don't ask for permission. Tell him what you are doing. Make it clear that having friends is important and family is in a different category.
You have nothing to apologize for, and you should tell that to anyone who belittles you. If they want to sexualize a normal and healthy thing, THAT’S ON THEM!
It’s a fetish post. This person is collecting karma while getting off to everyone’s sympathy and nice comments about massages & sex. Don’t give them the attention. But I do love curb ?
Maybe just, “Whatever it is we have, I really don't think it's going anywhere. So I guess we should call it quits.”
The number of people in this sub who seem to think that “caring about your partners’ problems” = “you are now their therapist” is kind of depressing, tbh.
I don’t care what somebody wants to do or who they want to be. There’s a biological fact everybody wants to sweep under the rug and her wife is a biological male PERIOD. That means she cannot and should not be breastfeeding babies because it has nothing to do with childcare and everything to do with her feelings. Babies depend on us for child care and if we are too PC to draw a line somewhere on the ground that is rooted in fact, it’s a real tragedy these two are raising a baby together. Do whatever makes you happy. I don’t give a hoot but when you start mixing babies needs with your wants and they aren’t beneficial to the baby, I have a real problem with that.
Yes it’s clearly super fucked up and it’s good you are aware of that. Why are you staying ?
“He asks me for the water bottle to put water in his hair”. Just read to me like he asked for the bottle.
It’s clearly abuse either way no matter what
Creepy ass pedophile, fuck you're disgusting and also time to cut that little sister that you've known since she was 13 out of your life if that the way you feel. Don't ruin a a sisters relationship because of your creepy feelings, leave her alone and keep your distance
Yeah, no one want to called a gardening tool!
and that when I am not in the mood to be touched it's not fair on him.
Nope. Your not entitled to touch anyone, ANYONE.
Sorry I'm chiming in here, as I only experienced a few of these problems dating but never that long term.
My take on this is you believe you support him a lot, where he rarely supports you. Though he believes you should support him even more.
One side of the coin – a lot of people go to a very dark place when depressed – the drinking doesn't help. That is to say, he may have agreed to all of that then, but now has a change of heart. Fair or not, depression and isolation gives you a lot of time to think – rarely coming to good conclusions along the way.
Other side – Maybe he always did think this way and just went along in worry about losing you.
I'm sorry you're going though all of this, really sounds rough. The guy sound unstable to an unhealthy degree. It's just my opinion, but maybe separating will do you both some good. I'm almost positive it'll improve your outlook.
If she's SAHM and she doesn't mind your son being in child care (which is good if she's constantly irritated with him) I can see why she's getting more and more irritated and frustrated. She would have other things to focus on if she went back to work. I've seen it before, a discontented miserable woman gets a job and her mood improves.
Seeing you can't talk directly to her I suggest you write her a letter and send your son out to grandparents for a night so you can discuss. Tell her the SAHM thing isn't working for either of you and you think she should get a job. If there's no improvement you will consider separation and divorce because you've reached your limit.
If the above doesn't work I think you'd better get serious about divorce and possibly custody. But hopefully it will shock her into action.
You are a terrible, mysoginistic person.
The only adult in this situation, including you, sounds like your boyfriend
Someone who cares for you is offering to go above and beyond to help you finish your education and the people you surround yourself and get advice from are so toxic they see it as controlling and manipulative
You need new friends
Sounds like you have trust and insecurity issues. Keep it up and he’ll push you away. Men and women CAN be just good friends.
Then how can she word it so that it’s acceptable to you? Just say “I want the same trip”?
I met W in high school we’ve known each other for 7 years and only starting dating more or less 6 months ago. He’s lived with S for 3/5 years they’ve known each other but in a student flat with other guys. Right now they just live together
You should address this now so you know if this is worth pursuing. You aren't happy right now with the amount of time you spend together, and he apparently is or he would change it. If your needs for his company are more than what he needs from you, then one of you will be unhappy and start to resent the other. So yes, you should tell him that you want more out of the relationship if you are going to be happy.
I have a lot of questions regarding this
Please tell me that you're being sarcastic.
I mean, you can do what you want, and you aren't required to disclose any of your sexual history / details of your sexual history provided you aren't putting your partner's health at risk.
The fact you call it simping seems unhealthy
Honestly based on what you put in your post i think if you don’t reach out she is going to be mad with you for not doing it. It seems she always wants the opposite of what you think she wants. I would send her a long message telling her how you feel and thats it. One message is not going to do any harm.
In general, sometimes people don't like labels. Some people are OK with putting themselves in one box or another. He can Identify however he wants thats his prerogative to have ( just like its your to think Lesbian sex is OK to get off to and still be straight). But if you are uncomfortable with being with someone who gets off on men's gay sex then tell him. The reality is that the relationship is over because you already know he gets off from men….Don't play that not look at gay porn or we are done…your done.. I think you need to figure out why it bugs you or makes you feel threatened if he is. Also if you get off to 2 women having sex then you are into women? but why would that make you uncomfortable also? or maybe you get off to Lesbian porn because the patriarchy told you it was ok lesbian gay is ok and gay men are not? So many reasons lol Again your post makes me think you need to answer questions about yourself and not him.
Wait a second, am I stupid or were you 15 and 20 when you got together…?
Humans make mistakes.
Cheating is not a mistake.
Yap, it really sucks, people want connections, but can't be bothered to put in the effort, they're not really interested in the work, they just magically want to have the friend.
I'd say as an adult a fair share of my friend making has ended in them not replying or just not being interested anymore, but it started great and interesting; a bordem breaker as it will, not genuine interest.
Eh. I tried it and discovered casual sex isn't really for me too. It sounds like you don't really like it either yet I don't get why you keep saying you want it.
I think maybe one more line is needed. Something like ‘maybe we can be friends again one day’ or something else so that ‘see you around’ doesn’t give false hope for a second chance.
Maybe I'm petty, but I'd send him a picture of your scars and tell him you'll forgive him when the scars leave you which will be never.
I was in a long distance over 13 time zones relationship for 4 years. That was 15 years ago. We are married now. Four months is nothing
Yeah that’s all very true! Thank you appreciate the feedback
Dude you know what to do. Get a backbone
You already gave him a second chance – a chance to come clean when you confronted him. He didn't take it.
No point in third chances. Or even second ones, really. You know who he is now – a liar. Who wants to be with a liar?
They’re probably just disgusted
I am very glad one of her friends had the decency to get the proof you needed so you could see who she really is before you got married. And don't feel defeated. You can still have a family- it just won't be with a cheater!
Thx mybro
He was sorry, but kept making this bullshit excuse of “it was the rush, I don’t know why I did it, I kept going for the rush.” Like he was in a panic and kept repeating this over and over, until I practically yelled at him to just shut up. Because what kind of a bullshit excuse is that?! Like our relationship was so lacklustre that you needed to message a girl who claimed she was “19!” Which is another primary issue for me, like I confronted him about that. Like how young would you go kinda thing, and he replied with “18! Obviously, I wouldn’t have done it if she was younger.” Like Jesus Christ, a) don’t do it at all. But 19 just is too young for me, he’s about to be 23. It’s just icky to me, making me feel so gross
If you want to share your childhood sexual deviances with your SO, by all means do so. But understand that you’re not required to, nor would I if I were in your shoes.
Everyone has skeletons in their closets, you wouldn’t be the only one ashamed of their sexual frustration in their past. For what you share, I think your experiences are normal from a confusing and awkward time of puberty.
I recently went through something similar but he sent my photos ( without my consent) to a group chat with a bunch of random men who post photos of their wives to this group chat. I had to find out on my own a month after it happened due to a few comments he made.
I still don't feel like he's being 100% honest about everything. Just how he acts I can tell there's more… But he won't say? My worst fear is someone I know seeing those photos… The feeling of them gaslighting and betraying your trust is absolutely sickening… So sorry you're going through this ?
Reporting something like this reflects negatively on both of you. You’ve already made your point, and if he’s smart, he’s going to significantly limit his interactions with you from now on anyway. I would accept his apology and get on with your life.
I suspect the blowback – and forgive me I'm out-of-line – is the various broad assumptions that bi folk are promisuous and/or greedy in general
I did let (canada, Australia)
We had similar issues.except I have an anxious type and he is an avoidant.
I wasted my best years left and he was an ass. Best part, the only way the relationship was sustainable was if I gave up everything to.move to.him. his sacrifice? That he would marry me
Funny thing is, a few years before.me he was ready to move.to canada for his ex. Lucky her. Too bad she cheated on his ass
You're young, find your own happiness.
Mind if I ask why you’re not looking for a relationship if you want exclusivity? Or I am just stoned and tired and misunderstanding and you’re actually saying that you want to start by mentioning being exclusive and talk about dating and whatnot further along?:)
This was a sweet post and it seems like you guys have good communication going so far. He said he’s open to long term depending on the other person, and in this case that’s you! I’d say talking about it before his trip is a great idea, mention that you’ve been thinking about him more and wanted to talk about where you guys are at together.
Yep
Definitely don’t want to disrespect his needs. Just has been so in the grey I feel. I will continue to work on myself first and talk to him again in a few weeks
Sounds like she’s the one the one got away…
It's called monkeybranching
Hahaha right? I personally wouldn’t be with someone who I had to track anything but I think the OP is focusing on the wrong things.
She is feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated because her boyfriend doesn’t clean and I’m guessing doesn’t spend enough quality time with her.
But instead of focusing on the gaming time, I think she needs to shift her focus to the core issues.
Unfortunately, when there are multiple roommates in a house sometimes a chore wheel or list is necessary. Both her bf and brother aren’t pulling their weight. There should be a house meeting to discuss a fair division of labor.
Saying sorry shouldn’t be awkward if you were wrong. It really sounds like you both need couples therapy to learn how to relate to each other and take accountability.
Ummm you’re family? Family doesn’t need an invite? That’s what I’ve always assumed anyway. Maybe they think he doesn’t want to come because you don’t bring him? Why be wishy washy about it? Mom calls you, “hey we’re having dinner Saturday, wanna come?” You say “Great! Joe and I will be there!” Or “Joe, the kids and I” Stop making this so formal. I have adult married/ partnered children if I tell one of my daughters about dinner plans, I assume her husband will be coming unless she says otherwise. I only verify if I need a head count for a reservation or tickets or something.
Or let’s be honest. People have all different types of definitions of cheating. For some watching porn is considered cheating. For others they can sleep with other people but no emotions.
i just read through that whole thing and nothing in that article had to do with your original support that men cheat due to lack of intimacy after birth.
Yes you can live without her. Don't be silly. In fact, it'll do you good to get off of this ridiculous emotional roller-coaster.
Why is she done with you? What happened?
Also as someone who used to party quite a bit (done lots of acid with lots of booze) and there’s no way to be so fucked up you mix up your wife and sister. Not to mention that fully blacking out on acid is highly unlikely. You can definitely brown out when tripping nude but not like this. This dude is an idiot.
Jesus, in San Francisco it was $100 for 3 songs about 5 years ago.
Yeah tissue with a hint of pink ! Tbh not much and so I was trying to think what else it could be
Here’s the info you’re looking for. Approach her with kindness over this. Talk to your brother. She may have felt transported back to a space where she felt bullied even if he meant to real harm.
As someone who were parentified and have also felt I need to help or fix everyone around me. You need to learn to let go of that concept all together, it is not your role nor right. And when it comes to helping, you can only offer support but you can only lead a horse to water and a person can only change for themselves, IF they even want to. So you need to ask yourself if you're willing to be with your partner knowing this.
You're husband is controlling. And should not be dictating who your friends with.
Thank you for talking with me. This is a sensitive topic and emotions run for sure.
I absolutely feel 30M-20F is gross and predatory, I just like to believe in redemption and forgiveness. Part of that comes with understanding of the temptations that lonliness and depression can bring. If your having bad luck as a middle aged guy in dating, and self love and self improvement dont help, then I can understand why a younger woman giving you attention can be tempting. A mature and ethical man would realize the power imbalance and dilemma though but I believe people can become better through forgiveness.
Thats just me. I just try to look at everybody as humans with their own needs.
Pick a location that she loves, make it about you and her. This may help remove the conflict from the inlaws to more about reconnecting with her.
You clearly did not prioritize this relationship. Which I get. I don't feel like having to prioritize a relationship either, but that's why I'm not in one. You need someone who is okay with being casual and flaky. That isn't this guy, you hurt him deeply by not prioritizing him, he's moving on. All your comments make everything worse.
He opened up some to you. Better now than later. If it were me, I would start to reconsider. If you're into this (then likely worse), then go for it.
The pull out “method” is not a contraceptive of any kind and you are pretty dumb to think that she has no chances of getting pregnant while having sex using that “method”.
She sexually assaulted you. If this is not grounds for a divorce i don't know what is.
So I almost feel like it’s like I could just back off and let her come to me? And if she doesn’t and wonders why I haven’t tried anything then I can just be straightforward that neither has she
Sounds like he manipulated you as is an abuser. Love bomb, isolate you by moving far away, “lock you in” with baby and no job, and then be his true self because he feels your “stuck”.
Since he is rich, she need to consult with several top divorce lawyers in her region. He can afford the best, but a really good divorce lawyer for OP will likely overcome that.
Definitely. You not only aren't required to “fix” anything, but you shouldn't. I don't know or care what all went into the behavioral changes over the last year, but she's manipulative and also lying as to why you are no longer together. If you aren't happy, and she's giving you more reasons to be unhappy, it's time to move on. There's no point in agonizing over something that sounds as if it gets worse as time goes on.
Marriage counseling. Pronto.
Yeah month and a half is kind of a blip in the road isn’t it never mind.
If we ever have to go to war and draft young men, we are fecked.
Being married does not make a person entitled to having sex with their partner whenever they feel like it.
Being married does not mean you cannot be sexually assaulted/raped by your partner.
Being married does not give your partner the right to demand sex from you.
Your partner does not have the right to use force in order to have sex with you.
Having sex with someone when they are asleep without their consent is rape.
You should not have to lie to your partner in order to stop him from getting you pregnant and have the right to be on birth control without their permission.
Just because your partner is good in every other aspect doesn’t make them a good person.
In short, your husband is a rapist. He has been raping you and he knows it. Him being a “great loving husband” is how he makes you believe that you’re overthinking the situation so his ass doesn’t end up in jail. This is not a person you want around your kids, for all you know he could do it to them one day and you’ll never know until it’s too late.
Please get any legal documents you may require, write down all the times he’s forced/pressured you into sex, find a place to stay when you serve him the papers/go to the police and make sure you have what it takes to get full custody of your kids in case he isn’t put straight into jail/has only a light sentence that will still allow him to try and get at least visitation rights.
I know it’s scary but you need to do something. It can’t go on like this.
Fuck you are both toxic.
He cheated so I cheated to level the playing field, sorry but that actually work, it just lowers you to his standards.
And then to top it off you go even lower and snoop through his stuff.
Just break up. The trust in your relationship has well and truly been destroyed, and will never be able to be fixed, especially as you keep bringing up his cheating while not taking responsibility for your own actions.
He sounds like an immature kid that will someday look back on this and feel like an idiot (he should anyway). His judgemental attitude and ignorance is enough to be done. He does not respect you. Go find someone more mature and sees you as an equal.
She knows exactly what she wants – exactly what she's got. By which I mean being broken up with you but knowing you are devoted enough to let her play her “I'm finding myself and I need to think” game (translation – I'm finding other people and I need time to see if it's going to work out). You ok with being dangled on her fishing line like this? If so, great. But if not, you could buff up your battered self-esteem and move on.
Your relationship has reached it’s natural end. It is not now, nor has it ever been something you have or haven’t done. Believe the things he’s said to you, because his behavior makes it seem like he’s been ready to end it for awhile but it is too much of a coward to say the words. So instead he’s just quietly stopped being your partner. This is admittedly a strange time to do so with you being the sole financial provider in a living situation that you and he share, but you’ve done your best to address his needs. Do not let him mistreat you because he is suffering. It is naked to leave relationships, especially when you live together. But he has already left the relationship, he just hasn’t left the living space. So you take this time to gather yourself and prepare to do what must come next. Come up with a plan to live separately and end this relationship. Good luck!
LETTING?
Dude, fuck you. She doesn't owe you control over her nail polish habits. You're a control freak and she deserves better.
Hey guys thank you all for commenting, i was thinking about it all day and just really needed to vent somewhere. We live in a country where catcalling is fairly common. I’ve had discussions about it with my gf in the past and she’s always said that she just ignores it and they don’t deserve her time. While i do think she is 100% right i just feel like the people who are willing to talk like that to strangers are sick and WILL eventually assault someone. I was thinking maybe violence and fear is the only way to keep these sick people from attacking anyone. Maybe if i had beaten him up he would think twice before insulting anyone in the future. Maybe i’m talking none sense but what happened really shook me.
Right. So stop wasting your time with him.
Okay, fossile here from the previous century who’s still trying to understand this topic. Are they non-binary if they still identify as their ‘original’ gender?
For the rest: you sound like you respected your boyfriends wishes and even made sure you did it right. T seems to be projecting their issues.
My boyfriend and I were not each others first choices. We met in college, were friends and both dated other people. I wasn’t attracted to him at all back then. But the more I got to know him, the more I saw what a wonderful person and friend he was. I saw the way he treated other people, family, friends (including me), even animals. It changed the way I saw him. After years of failed live dating, I realized this brilliant, funny, calm introverted scientist was who I had been looking for all along. It caught me by surprise. He is the love of my life and if I could go back and do it again, I’d do it the same. Feelings change. Try not to overthink this!
Please go and get checked out by a medical professional. You were raped. Stop means stop. I am so very sorry. Think about reporting him to the authorities.
Go to a therapist to deal with your trauma. It is having far to much impact on your life.
That’s why I kind if question the validity of the letter because there were no details. However, my name was spelled correctly(& my name is often misspelled) & the person wrote out the first & last name of my fiancé.
What does you tried it and she became more aggressive mean? What happened?
this is happening in my relationship. but It is me who is having this issue! i have no idea either.
From your post and comments there’s only really one conclusion. She was looking for an exit. She is/has been with someone but it looks like she’s realised that the grass isn’t greener. However there are some questions around all of this.
Did she have an emotional affair or someone in mind to help her reject any attempt to fix things? Is it that she’s realised what she’s leaving behind, no matter her feelings or the status of any other men? Is she returning to be a mother first and a wife second?
Your history together obviously shows you have issues to resolve. Now you have her obvious avoidance of her relationship status while she’s fishing for how you feel. If you want answers, you have a lot of talking to do, she has a lot of truths to tell, so perhaps a counsellor is the answer.
I’m going to say something that may hurt, but you cannot trust her at the moment. She’s not being honest. You rightly suspect something is/has happened with others and you don’t yet know her motives for possibly seeking reconciliation.
Again, if she does want her family life back, that can include you as a co-parent. Remember you have choices and their decisions will last. All the best.
Lol
I’d be more worried about the getting hammered part but in combination she sounds like a ticking time bomb
Doesn’t sound like the type of person I’d want to marry or to have raise my children
Ok I'll keep in mind and yeah I am working on myself.
Why is this the first comment I've seen that suggested therapy
Nothing wrong with putting some music on and chatting with the flat mate when they get a free minute. Not saying to have music blasting through the neighbourhood but enough for a distraction for herself
It’s weird that you think sexism is cool. “KEeP cRyiNg.”
She has agency and owns her body. She doesn’t have to tell you or get permission from you. What do you think this is? The eighteenth century?
How far does this go? Can she go on dates with other guys because she owns her own body? Can she fuck other guys because she owns her own body?
We are pregnant together he shouldn’t be hiding anything for the sake of “privacy” ?
No, I don't want to blow this out of proportion without sitting on it for a bit.
Rookie mistake. Never sit on assumptions. Wallowing in your emotions of the situation is just going to make you more and more bitter. We all have anxiety, bud. Part of life is learning how to overcome it and do what's best for us. If it's bothering you this much, talking to your friend about this is the best move. Then you won't have to wonder anymore because now you're getting info from the source instead of assuming shit.
I want to explain to him that my sex life is private and shouldn't be talked about openly like that, even if we sometimes talk about sex one-on-one.
You shouldn't wait to tell him this.
Is that unreasonable? The last thing I want to do is police my friend and my fiancée.
It's not unreasonable, but getting bitter and angry at a friend for breaking a boundary he didn't even know existed is close to it. Just set the boundary with him.
This answer clarifies you're doing feck all wrong ?
You are in your 30's. You need to set boundaries with your parents.
I know right
What’s next?!
Healthy, loving relationships between two or more people that prioritize each other’s mental health and respectfully communicate with each other?
THE HORROR
Honestly I think he's low key trying to get you to invite him to live with you.
I disagree with other posters saying he's jealous. I seriously think he wants you to not want to break up and since his deciding factor in that is his supposed embarrassment of still living at home, he thinks you'll invite him in so he can live off you.
Yelling so loudly your landlord evict you is abusive. Ditch him when you ditch the old place. Start anew with EVERYTHING.
That's fair. I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with this shit either way. I hope you find a resolution that makes you happy.
Women are murdered by abusive men all over the world. In the US it is very common, sadly. The most dangerous time is trying to leave. Hopefully, if the story is true, OP does not reside with the boyfriend. Probably not, since he’s ultra religious extremism. That will make it easier. But she still needs to be aware of local resources and laws, and develop a strong network of friends and family for safety sake.
How either of you let her in your house, much less your BED, is baffling. His disrespect for you is glaring. I'm so sorry.
it is probably the best thing that happened to you this year.
So, you were having an emotional affair and crossed over to physical cheating?
She moved 100 miles away to a new life that only lasted 48 ish hours. The dude from her job/training only wanted sex not a full blown relationship and you as back up pitcher can fill in until the next new shiny dude comes along rinse and repeat!! Do not engage her nonsense, she has shown how much she valued you and the relationship she voted with her feet. She is not a long term option she lives a 100 miles away what has truly changed in the 48hrs that produced the massive perception shift. Why is she so sure and committed now! All signs point to a huge dose of reality in whatever form it hit. Find a person who really values you!
Do you enjoy this drama in your life? Just break up. I promise you he’s not worth so much headache.
When it's being put like that it does seem stupid of me, thank you. I've just been upset that I didn't get any say in the situation and that they've been facetiming all the time, feels like there's no room for me. It has been 5 years though, and I should understand that. Thank you, again.
He asks. You say no. He doesn’t sulk. If he stops asking, when will get his need met? What schedule works for you?
You feel like a booty call because that's how he's treating you. It isn't just that he's showing no respect for your time, he's also showing no respect for you, full stop.
Drop him, block him and start the healing process. You are worth so much more than being a service stop when he's bored or horny.
You're in the wrong place, everyone here is just to tell you're horrible and should confess to your husband so he can divorce you, like you deserve.
In general, I don’t think it’s a good idea to do any job or make any career change just because your partner wants you to. You’re not your partner. And although you want to see them happy, there’s no guarantee that you’ll be happy with the job just because they’re happy.
And spending time on the road with someone is a lot different than spending time with someone at home. You’re talking the constant stress of working together, the stress of being on the road, the stress of being confined together in the cab of a truck.
Plus, do you have the proper licensing to actually drive trucks? Commercial trucking (generally) requires a CDL which requires training and money.
Plus, what’s the work structure going to be like? Are you two both working at the same level for other employers? Or is he effectively going to be your boss/supervisor given that he’s more experienced? And is that power dynamic something you want to bring into your relationship? Do you think you and he will be able to manage that equitably? And what happens if and when you have disagreements on the work? Or one of you feels let down or challenged by the other? Or how do you handle it if and when you decide it’s not right for you?
All of these things are questions you should be thinking about and asking yourself. For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s wise to integrate such a work dynamic into a romantic relationship. Is it possible? Yeah. But at the same time, I wouldn’t want to have to put energy into having to constantly disentangle work from romance.
Yea but now you have someone who has waited 3 years and is harassing you for sex. That's a whole other red flag. Could you imagine touching someone or coercing someone to have sex w you? And then making THEM feel bad about it? I mean, if he wants sex Uber frequently when you are married, he will coerce you for it Now you know that I've been w a lot of men. 41F divorced. Probably 20+ sexual partners. There are those who coerce and there are those who won't. I will never again be with someone who coerces or makes me feel bad or tries to make me feel guilty if I don't want it right now. This is a MAJOR issue that is deep in his personality. You know that, right?
If you need this many agreements to exist together, you have no business being married to each other- your relationship sounds more stressful than anything I have ever been through in my life- work would seem relaxing if home life was a constant contract negotiation every moment of everyday with someone watching your every move and keeping meticulous records of every transgression, no matter how small- what a horrible life. Relationships are supposed to be easy and fun- if yours isn’t then you are with the wrong person- divorce and set each other free, this seems holes to me.
its just the fact he hasn't told me until now, even when I've told him about my issues.
Because “guilty until proven innocent”. Knowing that you have your own history, I bet that if he had said anything, you would have dumped him immediately, then told everybody around you, then he would have had to move away. He only told you once he thought you would listen.
I've met his family
Then ask them about it.
Is he a “one upper”? I have a brother in law who is a nice guy and nude working and also likes to do everything himself, but people can't stand him long because no matter what you talk about with him, he has a better story. It's like little man's syndrome or something. He always tries to out talk everyone else achievements or steers the conversations back to his projects or ideas. Doesn't take long for people find a reason to avoid doing much with him.
When will men learn, it's not about them. It's about her. And if men took the time to understand this and root out the problem, they would realize that. It's about her, and how she feels about her body…for whatever the reasons are. It's about her comfort.
So does the time he lasts in bed
He's probably using you. If he was interested to be your boyfriend, he would tell you. And in this case he time you the opposite.
Believe him.
I don't know how a person could be this dense. Your argument is basically “an innocent person would hide it so he must be innocent” but A GUILTY PERSON WOULD ALSO HIDE IT.
Jfc.
He’s not the one. Good time to move on.
Total mistake. I was feeling insecure the other day and wanted to know if I could pull down a like or two. I know I’m stupid, but I’m sorry. How can I show you I’m committed to this relationship? It was a mistake.
I don’t see the problem here. Why should he pay for your vacations? Why shouldn’t dates be split?
I guess it’s odd that he told you the “cap” but $300 for a gift doesn’t say cheap to me at all.
In respect to the jacket, I share his opinion that that shit is ridiculously overpriced and a waste of money. That said, it’s your money if you want to spend it on that. But if you have that kind of money to blown on a designer jacket, you should have no issues paying your half of vacations, dates, etc.
I think he’s right in that you’re incompatible and you should forget about him based on that.
He tends to joke after we have a sex or he kisses me that I should pay him for it. I
Fancies himself as a gigolo does he.
Gross. “Boys being boys” is such a disgusting, outdated, bullshit excuse for men who are behaving like worthless slime.
Im sorry but your sister is not smart. You were taken advantage of. Listen to us: this girl SA’d you and/or manipulated you into a relationship. LEAVE. LEAVE.
thank you 🙂
Why are you scared?
Your relationship isn’t working.
Why is being alone scarier than being in disfunction?
I'm not really sure. I feel like they are new parents who are stressed out about normal things. I've just never even seen my BIL curse before, let alone start a public scene cursing. I just feel like something should be done I'm just not sure what yet.
we already have a pretty open phone policy. he knows my password and the only reason i was able to see his history is because he recently put my fingerprint on his phone. i know he just didn’t expect me to look bc i’m usually not this obsessive with things like this. i feel like just being open will make him (understandably) less trustful of me and be more sneaky (especially bc he became sneakier after i caught him and mentioned it earlier). it def needs to be addressed, but this is my first relationship and i have no idea how to even approach this
Why not just have sex?
I'm at her place and she has housemates, so I can't go and do that in the bathroom.
Williams! He used the hottest guy for his picture like come on lady!
It's not stupid for feeling that way. Women want what they can't have. Well people do. Just try to lay off contact and be busy.
Don't drop everything and try to rush back into anything. Seems like she mightve been in a rough point and wanted validation.
Communication goes both ways. There’s no way someone just wakes up one day with an epiphany and decides they want to enter a relationship. You build up to that point until you feel you are ready to take that next step.
If she felt that she was building this connection that was leading towards a potential relationship, but she also has other dates lined up, she could simply ask where the current companionship is going before proceeding.
1 in 10 women are diagnosed with endometriosis (a disorder that can give bad abdominal pain & the big O can actually cause pain), and there are more women with it who aren't diagnosed. I bring it up to say that there are a lot of outside factors, including health ones, that can interfere with what a woman may want to do in bed. It's not uncommon for women with endo to go weeks or months not being able to do what they want to & its terrifying when you meet someone you like & how do you bring it up to them. Whether it's this or something she's dealing with emotionally or psychologically, I think it's absolutely worth the effort to talk to her. Sit her down in a non confrontational way, say you've noticed her pull back with the intimacy & ask if everything is OK or if there is something she needs from you to help her be ready or if theres something she wants to talk about or share.
Why did you wait until after you were married to try these things?
Thats not love and you really really need a therapist to help you figure that out
But why shouldn't OP help with his GF's friend's girl trouble? Seems like more heads would be better to solve this problem.
Could it be she found someone else? You will never know, but that happened to me. She doesn't want to ruin a friendship because she doesn't feel an attraction to you anymore. Don't take it personality. We can't all have chemistry with everyone.
Do you know what projecting is? She might be thinking you are like, in which case it means she was/is cheating on you.
My biased take is that you should have access to her messages as she has to yours. Say, in face of my suspicion on her, you can't really know that is the case, right? She has so much privacy she could many things without you ever knowing.
God damn, I’m exhausted just reading that.
Look OP, here is the short version of any advice I could give you. You either need to accept that this will be your life for the rest of your days or you need to get the fucj out of dodge. There is no middle ground. There is no compromise. Therapy will not fix this.
You can not argue a religious fundamentalist out of their beliefs. They will never compromise because to do so would destroy a core part of their identity.
So if this isn’t how you want to spend the next four decades of your life, then there is only leaving. And if you are going to leave, you can’t do it halfway. I’m really sorry but you are in for a rough ride. If it was me I would honestly consider moving to a state far away where you won’t have to deal with all the shit you will get from the religious community he is a part of. They are going to hate you regardless of what you do, so you might as well start making choices that make you happy.
there is such a thing??? what youre doing right now is unreasonable and youre having unreasonable feelings over the situation cause hes doing it for his kids not for you
There was a documentary some years ago about a mafia assassin who lacked emotion and empathy except for his wife and child (or kids), he actually cared what happened to them. Interesting.
Yeaa I seriously want to know more about this couple. That sounds wildly suspicious to me.
Almost all of the 5k goes to my own seperate 401(k). The maid part I will have to utilize more often. Agreed.
You did absolutely nothing wrong. The real problem here is that girlfriend doesn’t care about your feelings. That’s a big problem.
Also, sorry, but there’s something wrong with Jenna too. Break up or not, I could not imagine going with my bff and her boyfriend on their anniversary trip.
Sounds like he is considering raping you…
That's icky to even type out.
I miss this. I think we have a long while to go. I think I’m used to dominant guys is all this is new for me… I just suck at saying what I like having done and how so I guess I need to work on communicating that more ironically
Pelvic floor training is not what is going to help a man not tear while he has sex.
How old are the kids?
I'm petty, so I'd probably counter her insults with one like “you'd probably feel my dick better if you weren't so loose. It's like throwing a nude dog down a hallway”.
HOWEVER. I don't suggest you be petty. It's probably better to break up with her. She's being very rude and insulting. That's not okay behaviour.
I think that's reasonable. Essentially, you're starting over. You're now dating. You don't need to have an official title to show you've changed. Good luck.
There's always more.
Another day, another post about a pathetic useless man-child.
He’s never going to change because every time you come in the door you pick up after him.
He knows that he can just block out the “nagging” you send his way, nod his head and promise to change and then things just go back to normal. Happy days for him.
Do not even think of having kids with this child. You won’t be able to leave them alone with him in case he forgets he has to watch them and they get hurt.
He’s mentally immature and not a suitable adult partner for you at the moment.
You need to move out. He needs to adult properly on his own for at least a year before you consider moving back in.
Thank you for the insight. I think I could deal with most of the things you're talking about, but I just want some consideration. I thought we had all this figured out though. That's the shocking part to me. We're both pretty traditional so I don't understand the sudden flip. I can bend on some of these things but I really dont understand what point is if we keep everything separate.
You don't want to lose him?? This man's a fucking psycho! He threatened your cat's life, changed idea about wanting to wait for sex a million times, proposed to you and then used it to blackmail you into giving in to sex, didn't care at all about your bday and has shown an overall lack of care about your feelings, needs and boundaries. Plus he clearly has serious rage management issues from what you wrote, to that add that he's military and he's got easy access to guns and you have the full picture of the man you're dating.
I'd cut ties with him immediately but please protect yourself in doing so. He sounds like a scary dude. Have someone from your family and friends get you the support you need and be there even when that happens.
Take care, wishing you the best.
With all sincerity, shut up.
Hope this isn’t hurting too bad … but a lot of relationships move towards open or involving other parties from guilt, after one of them has cheated….
It’s rude to do it ON A DATE. Dance with the one who brought you, ever heard of it? Sorry, but just because you don’t care how you treat others as long as you have an out that makes it technically not seen as wrong, but no one else has to accept dating someone callous like that
First off, are you absolutely sure that you're not bi? Don't shoot me! I'm just asking to make sure that you've thoroughly explored that possibility. Because if you are, it will set you free like you can't imagine.
That aside, assuming you're not, sexual compatibility is a perfectly valid reason for two people to break up. It sounds like you might be trying to hold on to somebody that you're not fully compatible with. Believe me, a relationship where two people are trying to force, in any way, compatibility in the bedroom is not one that's going to work out.
Or help your dad's friends cheat. Are you the side piece?
You know, you stay, why should he change? You continue to accept his behavior so he's going to continue cheating. End of story.
What do you mean, we don't know what's inside them? We know what's in them. Aside from the nicotine I'm purchasing food grade products like if I was making cookies.
The thing that gets me in all of this is that you use the word “partner”, and then go on and tell us everything about your relationship that is the exact opposite of the word.
At no point during this post do I even come close to matching the word “partner” to your lives together. None what so ever.
To myself as a person new to the structure of your relationship, if I was to watch your dynamic as described by yourself, I honestly would not even have you two pegged as a couple. Room mates, casual acquaintances maybe, but actual partners together for a mutual benefit under an umbrella of love, understanding and mutual appreciation?
Not even close.
Huh???? No self respect?
Since lighters and chalk could damage other clothes or the laundry machine both the clothing owner AND the person who puts the laundry in the machine should check all pockets.
When the clothing owner and the laundry doer are the same person, that person checks the pockets twice.
Is there is a good way you could recommend how I could explain this to him?
Sorry but what is a dick pump? The things that are meant to grow you dick or the sextoy kind?
I am sorry, I am not over the clorox wipes on privates yet.
Seeing that I use Clorox wipes to wipe the kitchen counter, I will have strange feeling tonight when I have to clean my kitchen after dinner.
Insecurity then, 100%. He sees you making all these awesome changes, but has he done anything to better himself while married to you? I’m guessing he’s just kind of stayed exactly the same, or maybe even gained a few pounds, gotten lazier, whatever. Point is, he’s insecure as hell that you actually will go out and stumble upon someone better than him. Because in his mind, you’ve moved up in life and perhaps moved onto a higher plane than he.
You've issued the ultimatum now. Dont make ultimatums you aren't going to see through because he will never take you seriously after that. Let's remember that this guy doesn't respect you enough to not go on holiobs with a girl who is openly rude to you and tried to sleep with him. The fact that this person is still a friend is absurd. You're 23, you've got a lifetime to find someone who respects you.
No it hasn’t changed, we believe in different religious sects and i just don’t want to bring that stress to his life
If you're getting married at 21 after 1.5y together you are categorically and emphatically ill-equipped emotionally to make rational decision.
I'd confront him about it with an open mind. You don't know what she may or may not have done… just because you don't feel she's toxic upon first impressions, it doesn't mean that's true. I feel that women especially can hide a really shitty character pretty well.
However if she did do something horrible, that doesn't explain why he would choose to stay in contact.
My mum presents very nicely but did horrible things to me. I am only in semi-contact with her just to ensure I can still see my younger half sister. You never know if maybe he's in a similar situation.
NEVER trust a co-worker to do something you can do yourself.
ASK her out and wait to see her reaction because it could be that she's single! The coworker heard she had a BF from a coworker that heard it from her aunt who's milkman knows the boyfriend (see what I mean?).
ASK her out, you have absolutely nothing to lose.
Your edit is what many teens say, it's bs and if she loved you as much as you claim she wouldn't sound annoyed when having to say it.
Your insecurities are showing. It's nothing to make an issue of.
Maybe the friend just told you that to get you off of him so she could have him
Cuss him and out and make sure he knows beyond doubt of confusion that it pisses you off and is unacceptable
I don't know many grandparents who are out there declining to see their grandkids this frequently so it's possible she's been toxic to them, and you just aren't aware because they don't want more problems or to cause you issues. You could try talking to your parents about it when she's not around and, if this is the case, then decide how you address this with her (at a minimum couples counseling).
So, they're married. It doesn't work like that.
My wife and I are in an open relationship but we're not poly. We're emotionally monogamous which deletes the worry of an emotional connection with another partner. You really have to think if you're built for a poly relationship. Not everyone is. It's all about boundaries and communication not just sex. If you two aren't strong in communication, it's going to end badly. Really think about if this is something you want because it's not easy.
lol you posted here to ask for opinions. If you don't like them, delete the post and F off
Dump her ass
He doesn't want this. He wants a normal marriage.
Lock the door.
To be fair to OP, this is about 50% higher than what nice looking rentals cost (entire outfit). Bridesmaids get hit harder, though, and this might be typical for them.
If I told my people the expectation that on clothes alone they'd be paying $400, they would have pushed for a cheaper alternative.
Rereading this, I can see both sides but I’m more on your daughters and YTA. In any of this, did you come to an agreement or compromise for her consideration of this situation? You didn’t ask, you told your daughter to uproot her room for your sister and her kids. Your sister was needing the favor and if it was only temporary, why wasn’t a temporary solution be made for your sister instead of your daughter which is established in this situation? You also demanded your daughter sell her car for your sister and buy back her back. I get family is family, but I would be LIVID if my dad had asked me to sell my car (reading it sounds like your daughter enjoyed modifying her car and it’s a nice hobby and her eyes something she’s proud of). If you had the money to buyback her car, why not have gotten your sister a beater? Legally, your daughter did as she was asked and IMO in her eyes you forced her to make all these changes for her sister, sister got comfortable and your daughter got tired of what was stable for her now all her input, nude work, joys, privacy, and basic living has been ripped from under her. In one way she did overreact, but sounds like she hit her breaking point and also legally asked what you told her to do. You should have consolidated with your daughter before doing all this to get her input and taken in consideration of her feelings on this as you share(d) a roof with her, while also should have set a better boundary with your sister (your daughter sounds like she has her shit together better than your sister). Your last sentence really sealed the deal you took way too advantage of your daughter (leaving us with no transportation) and she probably felt as she was being used (which seems like the case). I don’t blame her for not talking to you or rest of the family or holding your fully grown sister with kids more accountable for turning a temporary situation into a long term.
Good for her
I’ve been on this subreddit before explaining my marriage problems before and the reactions have always said he seems abusive and basically to end it.
Okay, so what exactly is your question? How to tell your husband you want a divorce? Tell him you want a divorce.
That is very helpful cheers man I appreciate it.
Get him chlorophyll! That will help. Not drinking and not eating red meat will help too.
She actually offered to trip sit for me, I hadn't initially asked her to.
It isn't his natural state to be romantic? You have 3 choices. You can't change it you.can only change how you react to it, you can accept it or leave it. Does he have other qualities that meet your needs, qualities that are irreplaceable? How important are those qualities compared to your desire to be romanced? What are your long term goals with him? Are you just shacking up or do you have plans for your future together? You don't want to make plans that are good enough for now, the longer you wait to break up the harder it is to get back out there and find the one. Is this something you can live with the rest of your life? Do you focus on the positive when he does do something romantic? People will respond more to praise then they will to complaining. Just questions to think about. People don't change unless they want to change. If this isnt a natural state for him he is going to have to go out of his way and may need the guidance to do so. Yeah you want this fantasy romance but you didn't pick that guy so what qualities weigh more?
She doesn’t even want to go on vacation with him anymore it’s just the fact that I know it’s what he wants and I feel like it entails more than a friendship, I know these are really bad thoughts to have and I wish I could get rid of them I’m just being honest here and might get hate.
Chances are good that he's masturbating too much.
Your money your choice. Tell them the subject is closed and how you spend your money is none of their business if they want to continue having a relationship with you. Then put them in an information diet. Stop sharing anything but superficial information with them
With your description of him, nothing you did would have been “right”, especially if you sent any kind of Text because he wants to be in control.
The other person that responded was right. This isn't a relationship you can relax in. You need to walk away.
Wanted to stop dating him waaaay before they broke up
Sounds like history is repeating itself.
Yeah considering how he knocked her up in 10 months, oof.
this is a great comment. no need to downvote.
i also feel its inappropriate. anytime i’ve dated someone still in contact with his ex turned out to be selfish and a liar and this is the key: they neeeeeed validation from exes. neeed. i don’t feel okay being someone’s validation hit.
Frats don't have to be toxic, but they sometimes definitely are. It really depends on what the popular crowd is like at the time. You might be the gf of the person in charge at the frat (sorry, don't know the terminology) and years later discover that the guy was popular, fun, and encouraged by his peers to cheat around (seen as cool) so had 0 accountability for being a slimy douche. Some might feel bad about it, but they band together and cannot be the one to snitch or admit that they find it disgusting. At another frat, the same role might be filled by a person who helps grandmothers cross the road, volunteers at an animal shelter and is universally loved by all – a really stand-up guy.
Depending on the crowd, the ones who stand out might be the only ones who dare to differ and stand up for their values.
What's more important to you – being seen as cool by some douchebags or doing what you want and like? What kind of a person introduces their peer by putting them down from the start?
First of all try to get a restraining oder or a no trespass for them.
They're incredibly stalkey and I shudder to think what could happen to you child if they are allowed near it (“well we didn't get a family with YOU so we kidnapped your kid fuck you” )
You have to understand he has been wildly selfish and unfair to you. You shouldn’t want to remain friends, as if that was even possible. Please go full NC and don’t even explain that to him, he hasn’t kept you on the loop either. I wish you find someone who really loves you.
Who mops every day? Hugs and kisses aren't duties, either.
Thanks. That makes a ton of sense, and exactly why I haven’t reached one yet. I want to respect their wishes.
She doesn’t respect you. She doesn’t respect the relationship
You are going to have to push her out of the nest. This is ridiculous. She needs to go to therapy, move out, and pay her own bills. You are not helping her by allowing her to continue this behavior. I know you love her and I know it’s nude, but it’s even worse watching her squander her life and make yours miserable.
Sigh… So we're just pasting ChatGPT answers?
I don't think this is stalking
I would however encourage you to leave his irrational ? at the curb.
Yeah he’s feeling emotionally attached to you and is hoping it’s mutual. And if it seems like he wants you as a daughter-in-law, it’s often because men will pass someone they are romantically interested in (but can’t have) off to someone they are close to, in order to keep the romantic interest close by.
Basically, he’s falling for you and hopes you feel the same. He’s married and knows he’s not supposed to want you, and is trying to convince himself that he’s not into you – he just thinks of you like a daughter, so much so that he wants you to possibly date his son. Then, you’ll be closer to him. And his fantasy is that his unrequited love story will play out where you two will secretly fall in love and carry on a torrid romance.
No joke. He’s unhappy and missing something and he is trying to fulfill it externally. The wife should be talking to him about the issue and you – might want to distance yourself.
Poor communication usually isn't a good foundation for a friendship.
Again, I'm not sure what advice you wanted. If you just wanted permission to contact him, that's your choice. My perspective is that I don't think it's a good idea, but I'm not in charge of your choices.
And the sister steals him too?