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  1. Using the F word isn't the problem. You attacked her with it. You can do that without ever using swear words and that is the problem you need to address. You were upset and you chose to attack. You chose to hurt her rather than continue to engage with a difficult subject.

    Thing number one here is to stop focusing on how YOU feel. Because there is an awful lot of self focus in what you wrote. You're sad, you're angry, you're ashamed, you're hurt, you're afraid of losing her, etc. The selfishness is why you did what you did, and that's what you need to address.

    Ironically, this happened because you were avoiding dealing with something difficult and you're still being avoidant and focusing on the wrong thing.

  2. They all have children and I dont. I dont want to be step mom. My ex was 33 when he met his 20 year old wife. Theyve been together for 8 years now.

  3. Well put! Honestly, I think it’s a lot more self-centered to go on one date and believe that you’re immediately entitled to an exclusive relationship.

  4. So far new toys hasn't made a difference, and we've tried a couple rings but he didn't like the way they felt. I didn't think to mention that when I made my post, sorry. Bit frazzled

  5. Only you can decide if you believe her, coming here is just a shit show. I have known someone to get past their infidelity but it takes times and a rebuilding of trust. Are both of you committed to that? Cause if you aren't then you're dragging this out.

  6. I'd be pissed if my boyfriend did this. Actually he did do something like that in the past, we had a fight about it. Did he seem defensive or anything when you asked about it?

  7. As someone who has experienced such a powerful sexual connection, I have to say that her statement is incredibly disrespectful to you. I would never say such a thing to my current partner, and I think it’s shallow to even compare a fwb relationship to a romantic one. She is displaying a gross lack of empathy for you, your needs and all the care and patience you shower on her. Everything she said above is incredibly self-centered. You need to stop playing unpaid therapist, let her go and find someone who will give you a chance to be her divine sexual connection of souls from another world.

  8. You need to get her to speak to a doctor. If she doesnt see this as an issue the problems this is creating will most likely keep creating cracks in the unstable relationship you have now.

    Honestly these can grow until there isnt any hope for the relationship to last. Some cant be rebuilt either.

    if she wont go, you need to make some serious decisions going forward.

  9. You have some misconceptions here. The foreplay thing is super significant, and this right here tells me that you don’t understand women’s physiology either.

    Some women are more “wet” than others. It’s not necessarily an indicator that she’s turned on or even that she enjoyed the sex. There’s a lot of reasons for this, but that’s not really important right now.

    I’m not trying to be a jerk when I say this, but you clearly don’t know enough about sex to fix this on your own. You need to talk to your wife and find out exactly what she likes and how she likes it. If that doesn’t get you anywhere, you need to talk to a sex therapist. I would recommend doing this regardless.

    If you’re just here to vent and not actually take any advice, that’s your choice, but it’s not gonna get better by doing nothing.

  10. You can go to therapy and learn to take responsibility for what you did to make your children want you out of their lives. Why did your son go no contact? No, really?

  11. I’m sorry for your loss but you and your wife need to step back and seek therapy for yourselves before trying to force a relationship with your kids.

  12. Well, it’s giving a chance to recoup the value in the ring and, in my perception, ending things symbolically. people don’t return engagement rings in order to continue pursuit, in my experience. if you disagree, that’s fine. we just think differently

  13. I really want to hope he’s just poor at communication over social media, because in person we have good conversations. It’s just over Snapchat & social media that’s really weird. One time I did bring the poor communication up to him & he said he’s like that with his family even, so idk. Our conversations on social are just so boring. He’s a completely different person when we’re actually together.

    I’m hoping I’m not just a booty call to him. He’s told me that he wants his next relationship to be his last. He said he doesn’t want to waste anymore time. So part of me wants to believe we’re still getting to know each other & he’s still trying to figure things out, but he’s getting the benefits of an actual relationship so I’m scared I’m just a distraction for him. Idk.

  14. I agree, I think that S needs therapy ASAP. They would be able to give him actual proper coping mechanisms to help with his anxieties, as well as working through the root of his trauma to better understand it and “fix” it as best as he can. But I also do believe that you do not have to stick with him through that journey.

    You have given him a lot of your time and effort so far, and none of your relationship with S has been truly beneficial to you in terms of your love language. And that just sounds like a fundamental incompatibility. Therapy is NOT instant, and it could take him months, even years to really start addressing these problems and getting better with them, and you are not obligated to stick with him through that journey. That is his journey to walk if he chooses to. You would not be a bad person for leaving, and one of the best ways to help yourself cope would be to put yourself first for once and pursue a relationship where your love languages are “spoken”.

    You also cannot convince S to go to therapy. He has to make that decision himself. But once again, you do not have to argue with him about it or try to force him to go. It's not up to you to weigh if you want to stay in a relationship where your partner is incapable of loving you in the way that you need to be loved, and possibly one where your partner will constantly refuse to get the help and put in the work needed to get to the point where they can reciprocate.

  15. Early in a relationship, a body count is acceptable, and if both parties wish to dive deeper into exes, that's fine.

    Personally, I feel all of those conversations should have been exhausted in the first 3 to 6 months of the relationship. The exception would be if you randomly bumped into an ex at the grocery store, or while waiting in line at the pharmacy.

    Insecurities don't feed all topics of discomfort…. sometimes the discomfort comes from the true hatred of gossip (some of who say we aren't into drama actually mean it, and don't follow up with some he said she said bs).

  16. She's not interested buddy, make new friends or try to meet new people. She's ain't the cure for your loneliness.

  17. You can try to be open and have a serious conversation with him. You can try a family psychologist if you want to keep your relationships but be willing and serious about it. Break up and move on to something better. I'd advise speaking to a psychologist here, too, so you don't repeat the same dating patterns. (assuming it's affordable) If not, then try self-help and deeply understand what red flags you should be noticing in dating and staying away.

  18. I would expect them to make fun of you not an unmentioned shaken baby or sick spouse. I won’t criticize you for going after the individual that crossed the line, but bringing up the others is over the line.

  19. Girl. Have the slightest bit of self respect. Abuse is a cycle, once your abused- first by your parents unfortunately you’re more likely to be abused again by a partner. This is only the beginning.

  20. He ain't ready to take the relationship to the level you want him to. And i suggest do not push it even if you feel its the direction your relationship should be taking You desreve better, do not stoop low. At this stage he should be the one to ask for your hand in marriage not you asking him if you should move in with him. Thats a mistake, slow it down.

  21. My ex a loong time ago used to do this. Even went by a different name sometimes when shed have too much. Them cold chills and puking sounds like a bad acid trip tho. just sayin.

  22. Very, very, very well said. Great points and very interesting about how gay men and lesbians are talked about and referred to here. I had not thought about that aspect before. Definitely food for thought for me.

    Really appreciate your eloquent and well-intentioned/thought out response as well!

  23. Do you know every little thing the government uses your precious tax dollars for? No. I can guarantee you that you wouldn’t be okay with 75% of what they’re using it for

  24. What the fuck lmao you are fully aware your boyfriend is sexist, lying about something, bad-talks you to his other friends, and is a narcissist, and you’re worried about a present for his sister?

    Man I hope this shit is bait

  25. She paid for things too even without an income

    I wonder where you got this from because it 100% wasn't in the post

  26. This is absolutely something y’all need to discuss.

    To play devil’s advocate here you are very lucky in this economy to be a stay at home mom. Many, MANY moms (and single moms) work just to survive. So you could be grateful for your job and step up to pay for a few things at least now.

    Also it is so important to be on the same page about finances so if you really don’t want to pay for anything and keep a separate bank account and just sit back and let your husband support you and child 100% then you need to tell him that.

    He isn’t going to like to heat it and I don’t really blame him. If you can afford not to work these days it is a blessing. Take it as such.

    Otherwise leave him and be forced to work to survive.

    Your choice.

  27. So I was 120 pounds all throughout my teens/twenties… My husband and I got pregnant, and suffered a miscarriage, I gained a good 25 pounds after the miscarriage, weight was something I struggled with and after it was said and done I tried everything to lose that 25 pounds, and then I got pregnant again, and due to pre eclampsia, I literally gained 70 pounds during pregnancy. I've obviously lost a bit since, but going from 120 pounds to 165 in 2 years is a shock. It's rough and has created insane amount of body dismorphia for me, which is super depressing.

    I'm sure this is something she is very aware of without you bringing it up to her a bunch, and every time you do, I'm willing to bet it's a gut punch to her that drives her deeper into depression.

    I think what the other people are saying is helpful to you, you can't change someone. People don't really change, they grow, and sometimes people grow apart and grow into different people and that's okay.

  28. I agree with you this is a possibility. I also do t really understand “I might want a divorce but that’s only thinking long term”, no a marriage works when both partners are committed for life, if you have put the ultimatum out there of divorce, it’s not coming from nowhere, it’s OP who put it out there.

  29. Hello /u/Syphyll,

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  30. This is one of the many reasons I encourage you to go to therapy. Avoidance is only going to make things worse. Staying with him is only going to make things harder. Having someone to help you navigate this and give you support will help lessen that anxiety and teach you that you have the strength to face these issues, but you need to take steps to do this. The only person whose actions you can control are your own. If you want things to change, then you need to start changing.

  31. INFO: Why are you with him and why did you marry home if the sex sucks?

    And please be honest because I really don't get it. Don't say he's so kind and considerate and BS like that because clearly he's selfish in a very prominent regard.

  32. Or to be sexual activity with his mention about the unprompted birth control lmao

    When do people need to be prompted for birth control?? Lmao

  33. Hello /u/Rich_Product_7508,

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  34. You should break up with your unremorseful lying cheating girlfriend before somebody puts a baby in her for you to raise.

  35. Sounds like it’s an emotional affair none the less. Pretty sure his wife wouldn’t thrilled to know that he is talking to you. You need to end it. It’s not right or fair to her.

  36. No problem. Just let her know that you won't get married until she pays off her debt. The problem will solve itself

  37. Why does he want children if he doesn’t plan to be a hands on father? Having a child as a legacy and not take care of it means that child will probably grow up hating him, stop talking to him as an adult and maybe even change its name to get further away from him. And who are these woman who will agree to have a child with a married man who only agrees to pay child support but keep it away from his wife? And why is having a baby with another woman different than a surrogate? You don’t say you don’t want children, you just don’t want to die by getting pregnant. His thinking is insane. So dump this crazy guy. You got together at 15 and you have grown up and he hasn’t. End it and find a mature relationship, not a teenage one.

  38. I don't see why you both decided to call it a night. I think she might have been in a sour mood because you wouldn't let her cover your dinner to begin with. Honestly, I think you really need to try and change. You truly could have done your part by telling her to stay have fun and insisting that you'd take care of your son on your own. That's where you should have insisted.

  39. He is affectionate, is responsive in person and text when I initiate conversations, makes time to be with me even though he has a busy schedule, remembers what I like (sometimes), is vulnerable/comfortable around me

  40. He is affectionate, is responsive in person and text when I initiate conversations, makes time to be with me even though he has a busy schedule, remembers what I like (sometimes), is vulnerable/comfortable around me

  41. You were broken up. She told you. People are saying “she knew what she was doing.” Maybe she did. Maybe she was hurt over the break up.

    The point is you were broken up for a year and she came straight out and told you when you reconnected. I wouldn't walk away from her yet.

    As for the friend, I don't know. If I had a best friend that split with his first/true love, I would be weary about sleeping with her. Especially if it was something that would fuck my “best friend” up, and I would have to hide it.

    I've fucked friend's exes, but these were friends in the sense that we were knew the same people. Not best friends. If my best friend hooked up with my first love ( and he knew she was my #1 ) then that friendship is over.

  42. The next time he tries, I’d elbow him straight in the ribs and pretend to be asleep. What he is doing is selfish, inconsiderate, and dangerous. Sleep deprivation while driving can kill you.

  43. Alcohol can turn little arguments into big arguments quickly. He wan not in the right, but it should have been a nothing dispute.

  44. I agree upset is very general but I guess I don’t know the exact word for how I feel. I have taken care of the dog in many ways and have don’t nothing except show it love. So I’m upset that even though I’ve done so much to help out, she still chose to drop the dog off there, instead of drop the dog back off at our place even if she didn’t stay there. I honestly don’t feel that insecure about the ex husband. She wouldn’t have left him if she didn’t want to be with him. That’s my mindset. But I still feel like that is wrong of her to do.

  45. Who the fuck cares what he said? Who the fuck cares what he can or can’t on-line with or what he wants? You should have been done talking to him as soon as this happens. Why are you going to be talking to him again? This just confirms you don’t actually want help. You just want someone to make you feel better without telling you what you actually need to hear.

  46. He knows for sure he wants kids. You are no longer sure. Children are something that BOTH partners have to be on the same page about. You guys may have reached an incompatibility here. You need to have a frank discussion about your feelings about kids and you need to do it now.

  47. Yep, hold your ground. That panic from him you’re seeing is the pain from the avoidance of potential emotional growth. Let it play out without you until he gets to the other side of it..

  48. M here. I’m on the page of why keep them? Especially at your age. It’s not like you were together for 10 years, married with 2 kids. You dated as a teenager. And obviously nothing came of it

  49. If you plan to be committed, you don't need advice. You only need it if you want to know about walking away for Jane.

  50. Yeah the blindingly obvious solution that you yourself mentioned is to rent the house and move in with her. If it doesn’t work out then you can move back to your house if it does work out and maybe you might want kids and things in the future then you both can move back to the house in a few years.

    Asking her to basically give up her entire lifestyle is a major ask that you are kind of dismissing. I definitely don’t think you should sell your house for the sake of a 1 year relationship but renting it is definitely a good option.

  51. She had a problem with alcohol and poor judgment when she drank. She made a mistake, which she regretted and made changes in her life to avoid it ever happening again. She has stuck to that rule for 10 years so as to never become intoxicated again. I think this speaks volumes to her commitment to staying monogamous. People make mistakes. The point is- did they learn from it? I think you’re overreacting but this is a fresh wound for you, so that’s understandable. Take some time to process the emotions and get couples therapy before you throw everything away.

  52. So cheating is only alright as long as it happened 10 years or more. So by those standards, if I committed a crime that happened 10 years ago but I confessed to it now then I would suffer no consequences since it was 10 years and I chose to be better during that 10 year period

  53. Okay well you didn't cheat so I don't think you should feel guilty. I do think you should be upfront with your BF.

  54. Nope, no way! She wants permission to cheat. I would be done. She's bored with you and IMO, if she gets to, you get to. I personally would walk away

  55. If you'd like to tear off the scabs you've been developing over the past 12 months and start the healing process all over again seeing her would be the perfect way to do it. Ask yourself why you'd want to invite such misery on yourself (on your birthday no less). There's absolutely nothing she can say or do that'll make you feel better. There are many things she could say or do to make you feel worse. It's time to make some new associations. Good luck

  56. None of that sounds like an actual plan though. At best, it sounds like a wish.

    Maybe you're leaving something out, but it sounds like you're judging your boyfriend for having been financially dependent on his parents until now even though you're in the exact same position yourself.

    The key difference seems to be that while his parents may have cut him off, your parents are still supporting you financially.

  57. I'm only on here currently because I'm stuck at my 8-5 with all my tasks done and came here simply to express my situation and how it's impacted me. My only ways of dealing with stress is going to the gym that I limit out of consideration of her workload with school. I have to drop off my son early in the mornings nearly every day and the days that she can I try to go at 4-5am. Something that is hot to do already with very little sleep. I'm not trying to come up with excuses but it's clear to me that maybe you don't understand the difficulties of work/life balance when you have a kid, and how much time you ultimately lose.

  58. We only have one side to go on but sounds like you're feelings are justified. He's focusing so much on the future that he's neglecting the present.

  59. Those meds really can wreak havoc on your libido and it sucks. Works great for depression, absolutely destroys your sex drive. If she’s interested and her doctor thinks it’s ok, Wellbutrin can be added and it can help raise the libido. It’s had pretty good success at working.

  60. I’m a guy, if my girl told me she faked every orgasm she ever had with me, I would smile and say I guess I need more practice ?. Haha but it is a tough thing to hear, but there’s a better way to approach it than just giving up which is what it seems like he’s doing. Being a man is ultimately about over coming obstacles

  61. What about him watching porn bothers you?

    I’d understand if it was an addiction and effecting his life. But to me, porn isn’t a deal breaker. I don’t mind if my partner watches porn. I’m confident and secure about how I look and our relationship. A lot of the times when I watch porn, I’ll look up girls that look like my gf. Sometimes someone just has to get off and porn is the only thing available.

    To me, it sounds like you need to work on loving yourself more and become confident with your looks. I would be happy if you are just fighting over porn and not actual cheating.

  62. Idk. I'm kind of hoping that he'd eventually pick up social cues after a while of being in a relationship. He does say that he doesn't want to have another gf and he's improved a lot in terms of showing how he cares when he's around me. It's just the days we're apart is more than when we're together and when I try to close the gap, it feels like he doesn't want to meet me halfway.

    It feels like falling into a routine like we're bf/gf Friday nights to Sunday evening and then just two people on earth the rest of the week.

  63. Do a background check through one of those sketching on-line services like spokeo or my life. Anything that aggregates public record information or social media.

    I used my life to pull the public records on a person who I needed information on and I was able to find out what I needed. Where they had lived, criminal records, etc.

    At this point, you need to verify what you do know.

  64. Bro she doesn’t let you express your feelings and uses phrases like “real man”. Get out of there dude.

  65. Would you mind sharing some of the things the boundary setting has been regarding? It's difficult without that context to know if that's a big thing, but it does sound like the hurt and misplaced anger could have caused a problem.

    BPD, in particular, is something I would recommend bringing up in a counselling session, perhaps, as it can impact relationships. Is she seeing a therapist and such?

  66. If you felt the need to check her phone, that was the beginning of the end, more people need to start realising that and just move on when they get bad vibes, you get em for a reason

  67. i’d just be worried about future employment and shit but idk I trust this guy and he sent them to me? mutually assured destruction? and his family would care way more than mine? my parents seen me very hot before?‍♀️ if they get out I’ll claim them as art or something but ofc you are entitled to your own opinion?

  68. Yeah so you're doing things right, I reckon the remarks are more pointed at other people, it's not for you to take personally. As I say, the partner that does less paid work is all too often cast in a role of freeloader or gold digger. I have had people saying as much to me despite the fact that I earn plenty of money myself. I work at home, so anyone who didn't have the self-discipline to WFH during the pandemic assumes I'm doing eff all, and it can get really tiring defending myself.

  69. Women are experts at making a bad relationship seem like a fairytale. If it seems like a fairytale, it likely is.

  70. She could come for a weekend to help with the nursery! What else are good friends for, if not to help with home improvement projects?

  71. If he’s over this why would he read it instead of just ignoring?

    It's like a train wreck – don't want to look but can't help himself. I'm sure this is done, and you really need to get your shit together before you go dating anyone else. No one likes the emotional rollercoaster.

  72. You're very welcome, thank you for giving me a chance to help. It makes what I went through feel more worth it.

    Therapy has helped me a lot, though, don't settle for a therapist who isn't working out either. It's like any relationship, gotta find someone who clicks.

    Take care and best of luck! You're far from alone, it happens every day, to a lot of people. We're all just doing our best.

  73. We’ve never really had the relationship discussion we started as friends then we were fwb but it’s really developed into more (which he’s mentioned before) and he’s referred to me as his girlfriend to friends and family for a few months now and I’ve done the same. I haven’t brought it up to him yet because I’m not sure if it’s my place to yet or honestly at all so I’m not sure if he’s like toying with my emotions or just thinks it’s not that big of a deal to do that stuff. I guess it’s just because I don’t want him thinking unsure of myself or like even crazy because he liked pictures of another girl but I feel like that’s just because of the things I heard in my past relationship. He’s never really said anything about my maturity honestly but lots of other people have said those things to me before including my parents but I’m gonna keep that in mind in case he does end up saying that later on, I guess I just don’t really know what to look for or if it’s normal to feel this way or not which is probably silly. I’ve told him it’s a bit too early to move in together and he’s been very accepting and patient or at least that’s what I thought. I’m anxious to move in with any person at this point because of the things that happened when I moved in with my ex but I haven’t really told him much about that because it’s a hot topic to talk about. Is the age gap really bad? I’ve never really thought about it much because I just genuinely enjoy his company I never really thought about it that way I’m just nervous that something bad might come out of this or I’ll just wind up hurt again. I really appreciate your comment though it’s very helpful so thank you!!

  74. Never entertain being with somebody that abuses you ever ever ever. You will never have a healthy relationship not only that, but the bar will be Lowered for what you take from a man. The men will get seedier and seedier.

  75. In spite of construction not being my industry, it’s a topic I’ve dealt with quite a bit over the last couple of years. Trying to have various repairs and remodels/additions done to a commercial building has been like pulling teeth and led to me learning more about this than I ever wanted to know.

  76. Where do these men find women like you. Support him financially and does not allow you to have alone time?

    This post seems fake and rage bait

  77. No you most definitely should not get married. You hardly know each other. You haven’t lived together or had sex. Your family and religion are incompatible. She’s way to old for you. You don’t even live! in the same country. You need to stop talking to her so you can get over it and move on to somebody more suitable for you.

  78. a part of me feels guilty for cutting this relationship off

    What relationship? There is a difference between a perm donors and parents. And it sounds like your father was a sperm donor.

  79. You know exactly what you're doing and you're doing it on purpose because you like the attention.

    Your boyfriend is right.

  80. there’s no way u actually read the post. pls tell me u just read the title and responded like a dumbass


  82. This is a huge red flag. Does he ignore/downplay any other important moments in your life? You need a supportive partner. I’m incensed on your behalf. Congrats Dr!

  83. I'm sorry but how have you been with him for 9 years?

    I get the whole splitting bills or each one paying their share or what they can, but this guy is acting like you're roommates. If he can pay your share when you miss a payment, why wouldn't he? Its as if the things you buy are split into his and yours only.

    Brudda needs a wakeup call.

  84. I don’t think there’s much more you can do OP. You’ve text him and explained. The balls in his court now on whether he responds. Do you remember if you said anything to him that would have maybe offended him?


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