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I think you're right, but I really hope she rejects if he proposes. She'll be miserable with this guy, she should go find someone who makes things happen, can keep his word, and shows more care for her needs.
When you think about it, it is easier to be stimulated by a new person because they are new & different and there's a level of unfamiliarity with that person.
Some may poo poo this suggestion but letting your husband see you totally hard too often allows him to get too familiar with your naked body. If you were to cover up, you'd be maintaining a level of mystery in your relationship. This is especially true when what you're wearing teases him visually, making him want to see what's underneath your clothing.
For those of you who think this suggestion is ridiculous, I speak from the perspective of a person in a multi-decade relationship who still lusts after his wife!
I agree. Seriously like a human being can’t do a single act for another without ppl turning them into a victim. SMH
issa bot
There's a snoring app that records at night, and other sleep tracker apps that record restless movement and such. Maybe you can set up something like that, with your phone on the bed keeping track of all motion, to show him that nothing is going on until he wakes himself up. Show him the graphs.
It probably is the antidepressants. I took one in college where I 100% could not come. Like, at all. I take another one now and have no issues whatsoever. Talk to you doctor and hopefully they can help you slowly switch to a medicine that does not have that effect.
If this is not a red flag then what is?
It would be good to understand what triggered this behavior, but if he doesn't communicate that with you, I would pack my bags and run for the hike.
Uhm, more like your brother? How would she even know? That’s the real question.
You should tell her that sure, you “should be able to see these things” just like she “should” be able to get a job.
It is unreasonable to expect every couple to have the same exact standards of cleanliness. You two should agree to a certain standard (no dishes in the sink overnight, clean the bathroom once a week) and the person who is pickier- that's me- does a few of the extra items that bother me more, like a smudge on the mirror.
But this isn't about cleaning. You are working and she isn't, which means she should be doing like 90% of the chores around the house. Tell her to get a job and that you are losing hope on having a wife who is capable. She is verbally abusing you by making cleaning out to be that you are a bad person, and honestly if she feels that way, she should leave you. But of course she isn't going to do that, because why would she? She gets to live for free, expect her partner to still do most of the stuff around the house, and she can abuse you when she is in a bad mood.
Make him dinner, watch a movie, and maybe do an activity he loves – all his favorites. Like play his favorite video game or go on a hike if he's outdoorsy, or if he likes an artist that's coming to town get some tickets for that for the future. Just something to show you care for him like he showed he cared for you. Pretty cool that you're both so into each other and care so much. Best of luck.
You should tell your wife, thank her for not only standing up for you but for teaching you to stand up to your parents. And then go LC/NC with them.
I got something I needed to take meds to get rid of. That was first clue then when she showed up to my 21st birthday with her other boyfriend. Turns out she was also with almost a dozen others. A bakers dozen in all. If you read this, fuck you Dorothy. UTI's and STD's are very different.
Luckily no std I guess ? 😉
everyone says only projection but the other thing may be self issues, depression, and feeling of poor self view and confidence in himself. Mental health can many times be real issue. the only real way to find a solution is to spend time and getting comfortable talking about each others feeling.
I hope you have success working thru this.
So because internet built the internet in your opinion, it means is normal? Interesting causal link
I mean, I myself would email the “pastor” back and make it clear how full of shit I thought he was, but not everyone is comfortable doing that I guess. As for the fiancé, if he’s choosing his pastor over you that pretty much sums up how the rest of your marriage would go. ?♂️
Brother. You deserve better than her. Don't let her play any more mind games, you know you can't trust her. And even if you did get back together she'd be gaslighting you again. You've got so much to offer a partner, you take care of yourself and before long you'll meet someone who will appreciate you.
I'm sorry I wasn't very clear about this point. And I don't know honestly, what we had was such a unique and strong connection that I do not want to lose it.
Btw: When I told him how much it hurt me that he threatened me with violence, he said what I did (= calling him out on his behavior and criticizing it constructively) is way worse because I “reproach” him things while all he did was “saying empty words to express his frustration”.
I love him more than I loved any man in this world (I had two boyfriends before and some situationships/dates with others). That's why I hope he'd change.
How long do you have till you graduate? ? I’m just looking at this from a financial stand-point… can you wait it out so he pays tuition till you graduate?
Do you like this person?
I would say that’s the first thing to consider
I cannot understand how this will make things better
Well, the only way that'll happen is if you actually file a police report on this (dangerous and life threatening) abuse. It's always curious when someone is livid at being the victim of an assault and yet unwilling to actually mete out the punishment that's customary for such a violation of the social order.
Personally I think your relationship sounds fine. Take stock of your post. You said many lovely things about your partner and relationship. The only negative was calling it mundane or a little stale. I'll say as well, maybe you'd enjoy going out more together. My partner and I are home bodies, and our area doesn't offer a lot beyond shopping/spending money/crowds of people. So we go for hikes/nature walks a lot when we have off days together.
This may not be the solution to this issue. But for myself I have found indulging more in my own hobbies myself helped some of this issue.
? mk
she did. she said she didnt want the long term future with me until after i started talking about it during our short term relationship period but i dont get how you can tell someone you'll never like them and then be persuaded like that
Why were you trying to have a baby with someone you just started dating when the relationship didn’t even last six months? That is a terrible way for a child to come into the world. There is a reason she broke up with you after such a short time and she literally said that doesn’t change just because she is pregnant. All you can do is let her know you want to be involved with the pregnancy and she will let you know how much she will allow. It’s up to her at this point. After the baby is born you can get a paternity test and file for joint custody and be a father to the child. Until then, don’t pressure her.
Yes it’s bad, but definitely nothing to throw an otherwise good relationship over for. I would just sit her down seriously and come at it from a “I’m not mad that you looked at my phone I have nothing to hide but I am concerned you don’t feel like you can trust me. It’ll be hard for me to move forward in this relationship unless we’re transparent w/ ea other.”
Hopefully she feels disarmed enough to come clean and explain the behavior.
What are the flaws you're trying to resolve?
Panic attacks can be caused by a number of things that's why therapy is recommended to try to find out what triggered them. Can i suggest while his going through these tests he talks to his doctor about the migraines which might be triggers for the panic attacks and maybe referring him to a neurologist might to help ease them. I have bipolar disorder caused by epilepsy and suffered debilitating migraines after seizures until a neurologist came to my rescue. This is definitely not your fault!You can't predict life's curveballs and believe me they are there.You might feel helpless because you don't know how to help someone who's still helpless about his situation and the advice is to encourage him to seek help and show him it will be beneficial not only for him but both of you. Please don't neglect your mental health because this is going to put a strain on both of you until you actually see how his situation can be handled then some of the pressure will wear off.
Yea, I get that. but I don't know her personally and I have nothing to lose. The only reason I would tell her is because I am putting myself first– he played me and I had to go through so much unnecessary pain just to get over him. I didn't deserve this, and neither does the gf. even if I tell her, I would tell her in the nicest way possible.
You don’t have to settle. You can be a good guy who did his best and is now moving on. You’re allowed to want what you want and feel how you feel.
Waiting for OP's messages to blow up from the catdaddies of reddit
Why is one son in your family singled out and you not see an issue with that? Your son is being given opportunities and accommodations that your other children aren’t and you have no issue with that?
She won't regret shit, except getting married so young.
Have her stay a few days at her brother’s house and take care of the baby so she realizes how hard it is. They can get a break and she can do the diapering, mom can pump so she can do feeding with no sleep, basically everything the parents do and see if she still wants one.
Can I ask are you dating another man or are you dating a woman?
Eitherway dude Is in love with you and is incredibly jealous
Sorry this happened man, this seems to be more common these days; people tend to have an overvalued perception of themselves and think they can “do better” Get away from the entire situation, the cold reality of her missing meal ticket (i.e. you) will start to sink in so whatever you do, do not believe her lies.
She sounds like she belongs in the gutter with her ex,
and I took in my niece
That's your kid at this point, you have a dirtbag brother. You don't need to see him let put your niece/kid in that situation to see their father with a loving family without them in it. Don't subject that kid to that. You were right to lash out. I do see brothers point on how end of the day it is a child that is a PRODUCT of his misdeeds, not the misdeed itself. You don't have to give anyone anything if you don't like them, and by extension their family. I would just not attend while he is there or push mom by saying I cannot put niece/kid in that situation and how could mom not see this as a bigger issue.
He should not buy the house with her unless they get married first
This is true. I just don't consider her feelings in this situation because if the bf really was loyal then his ex not being over him wouldn't be an issue or factor here.
This will sound harsh, but I mean it with love and compassion: Your marriage cannot be saved.
Your husband is trying to push you to do something you don't want and are not at all comfortable with. Despite being clear about that line, he continues to push. This person, who has already cheated on you, and uses your marriage as a leverage tool to get what HE wants, does not respect you and your feelings.
“Maybe some day” is not a promise. And even if it was, you have the right to change your mind about what you want to do or not do with your body.
This is NOT your fault. You deserve better than this. You deserve better than someone who only wants to emotionally manipulate you for their needs, and doesn't pay attention to yours.
He wants a marriage where he can fuck around however he wants. You want a partnership where you care and respect each other. You guys aren't compatible.
Leave this man. Let him go find some gross-ass people to bang him. You can find someone who respects you.
I tried getting a vasectomy in my early 20s, 3 different Drs, none would
A year or so is too soon. Barely out of the honeymoon phase. Her siblings are right to say to wait.
Roughly ^
Perhaps whats running through your mind is “How long will this go before he changes his mind” sounds like you trusted him a lot and having him pick his career over you might have impacted/changed your opinion of him or what he wants for the future. At the end of the day if it really doesnt feel right to you theres nothing wrong with trusting yourself.
They were each others first and she can cum on her own. After 4 years he still hasn’t learned anything or they really aren’t sexually compatible.
Does he feel self conscious, like other guys will make fun of him or tease him? Maybe he has a friend who just got dumped? Is is not yet self assured?
If she's moving and they won't be in contact, why is he confused? There would be nothing to be confused about. Don't let distance fool you.
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It's good that you're trying to look for opportunities to bring her back into things financially even though your trust was broken.
First, does she want to be an authorized user again on the card? If the temptation or habit to spend is still too much for her, maybe it's good. So ask her perspective where she is in her growth and go from there.
Often we are ashamed that seemingly small steps that feel like we are punishing ourselves like a child are really effective in changing behavior. Maybe just not having a card is the best way for her to keep her spending under control, and that's okay.
Second, are there other ways to get her more integrated into the finances and give her more of that control that makes sense? Maybe she's an authorized user for paying bills, live purchases whatever, but just doesn't carry the physical card with her?
It sounds like you both have a sober view of the work that needs to be done, so troubleshoot with her.
Watch the movie “Chandigarh kare Aashiqui” it follows this exact plot.
It may provide you with some clarity.
Then put the fact that YOURE TRANS IN YOUR PROFILE so folks can see it and make their decision to match or not. Stop using trans murders to justify lies and manipulation of innocent people
This comment is meant for OP who should know the value of the contributions of her man. Who should know what he brings to the table and should be able to determine if this is enough to end their relationship. This is NOT for the ladies who are probably single and seeking company for their misery, who’s only glimpse into the man’s character is through a less than 200 word short essay, and some highly emotionally driven comments.
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I am in the US. Last week I got a hold of an insurance broker to help us find something that works for us. Is medicaid free and do they provide mental health services?
Distance relationships are tough. If you are unhappy, end it, but be kind and fair. Blame the distance it be nice, not him.
I met someone at work, dated her and have been happily married to her forever. My advice:
Ask her out much earlier, when she is first showing some kind of personal interest in you. But keep the first date really casual and inexpensive. It could be as simple as going out to lunch, seeing a movie, playing tennis or some kind of sport. It is gradually a more intimate activity, but not as much as a formal date. If she turns you down for #2, you don't lose as much in terms of ego, because you just asked her to participate in some friendly activity. And you know where you stand. But if she says yes, it confirms interest. If the first date goes well, then follow up with something more like a date, date — dinner, doing an-all day thing, etc. Basically, you are getting closer and closer.
is the kid yours?
I’d dump him. The only reason there aren’t more women in STEM is because of men like him. I’m in a male dominated field (when I’m in a small department I’m almost always the only woman on the technical side) and it’s been really hard dealing with men like your BF. I have to work harder and be smarter than them because of guys like your BF. He most likely sees YOU as inferior and this won’t change.
He's not dating the ex. He's dating her. It's her response to the ex that makes her problematic.
My Ex is terrible. Let me leave to have an hour conversation with him. Let me entertain the idea of a sleep over. Let me cave to his obvious sabotage attempts. . .
……..
Let's back up. Any woman who talks about past BFs – particularly those they were in LTRs or had children with – like they were the devil and she was an innocent bystander is a walking red flag. It's the surest sign of someone who lacks accountability and hasn't worked through their own relationship shortcomings.
“Guys, I'm 20 and this 5 year old I became friends with doesn't want to learn to learn oil paintings with me. He only wants to use crayons and scribble! What do I dooo?”
Why are you with someone in college when you have 15 more years of adult life, a place a job and probably a first marriage? If she's too immature or spur of the moment for you, maybe get yourself someone with the same mentality?
She’s literally leaving you and asking you not to tell anyone so you have no support. Dude, you shouldn’t be talking to us. You should be talking to ALL of your friends and family, and a good divorce lawyer.
No bro, you're wrong. I buy for lots of people, men and women. It's nor a damned date unless they agree they're on a date. Beginning to wonder wtf is wrong with you
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I assume he was very lovely at the beginning of the relationship because he was trying to “get” you and it was the honeymoon phase. NOW that he’s “got you” he’s showing you how he truly is. Listen to him – this is the true him.
He’s not going to be that guy again (from the beginning) because he was never truly that guy.
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So he’s not wearing a condom while sleeping with this woman, who as far as anyone knows could be sleeping w multiple partners, and then he brings that dirty dick into your bed? No. Hard no
You are allowed to have time to yourself. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. I would just Enjoy Christmas then talk to him about slowing down a bit and your need for some time alone sometimes.
You just said they are men's sunglasses. He probably got them for himself.
He wouldn't get men's sunglasses for a woman if that's what you're thinking.
What type of relationship do you have to where you wanna go and possibly ruin your Christmas gift by snooping in his car?
“Others” I would have assumed he got gifts for you or the kids but didn't wanna tell you about it so it would be a surprise (he doesn't normally do that).
if he’s gonna complain, just return it and get your money back.
the only “demand” i made was telling her to not be friends with John, which honestly she was already planning.
I dont say anything about punishing my mom, thats not what i was asking, i was asking how to move forward after having this information dumped on me.
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You could ask to join them maybe? I mean, I wouldn't worry too much about it, it's not like your bf really wants to go clubbing, he's been invited to go with. It's not like it was his idea to do clubbing.
thank you so much i really appreciate it!!
Adrien knew he was innocent, of course they asked for video. If you feel shitty now I can guaran-fuckin-tee you it wasn’t any better for him to be accused of groping you. Your position now is indefensible, STFU and apologize.
I think this is emotionally cheating. I remember my ex boyfriend starting to go out often with a girl from his job. They would chat and what not at work, go running together, spent a night at her house after drinking, started texting. One day he was texting her in front of me and he had this smile on his face. I realized he actually liked her romantically and he was completely clueless about it. Then I asked him straight out, “Do you like her?” and the shocked look on his face said everything. He wasn’t ready to hear that or admit it to himself. We had problems after that and eventually we broke up.
We both don’t know anything about them. But to me the more sane conclusion was that their both human and not compatible with each other rather than the extreme u trying to perpetuate.
I think it's getting downvoted because enablers are abusers, too. It's less obvious that they're hurting you than the FIL-type of abuser, but your husband is indeed hurting you and the children every time he fails to protect you. I have empathy for him — this is a tough situation — but what you described is beyond the pale. And some people can realize that the result of their behavior amounts to abuse, and take measures to fix it. But it's not easy.
Two books that might help: Why Does he Do That? by Lundy Bancroft (could give you insight into both father and son) and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. You should also read the “don't rock the boat” post linked in the JNMIL sidebar.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but don't feel guilty for one single second for protecting yourself and your children. I hope your husband gets on board. Sending lots of empathy.
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Wow, how do you spell “hypocrite” again?
There's a lot of guys who are homophobic towards men but are completely fine with women being queer….usually because they think maybe they could get a threesome or they find it's hard to think about two women together.
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Why and how is an ex impeding him from moving forward with you? Seems like a convenient excuse. If after 7 damn years you are not his priority and life partner, seems you never will be. It should be you and him planning his mother’s funeral, why is an ex assigned this role and you aren’t even invited by him? Seems you are about as low in the family hierarchy of importance in his mind as you could be. I would just continue to let this fade away if it already is, you could still be there as a friend for emotional support like you have already offered, but I would move on relationship wise. Don’t let this man take anymore of your youth.
Also don't bring up non-vanilla stuff until you have a healthy sex life. It's not healthy or helpful til that's established.
It's 90% of the time not about “spicing up the bedroom”.
i guess by ultimatum i also mean tell her i’ll be moving out. i’m 20 so i still live with her because i don’t have a job that can pay for an apartment yet. the ultimatum isn’t really for purposes of her getting sober, but just so she won’t get a car because she could kill someone else driving. i thought the accident would be rock bottom for her, and she goes back and forth to rehabs and detoxes constantly, at least 15x that i can remember. i just feel like as her daughter, i have a responsibility to do whatever i can to stop her from having access to a car. if she killed someone on the road i don’t know how i could live! with myself
Ohh god, charming & good looking & does this? Literally run for your life! Abuse is ahead. Don’t insist on learning the hard way. Look, 3 weeks in I saw the red flags but I ignored them & then it was 5 naked years later that I finally left. But I had been through every bad scenario bar being physically hit. He’d hit other girlfriends, but not me- but I think it was heading that way. Seriously, no decent & rational person says these emotional things this early. It’s called love bombing for a reason.
It’s not jumping the gun. It’s the little things like this that often show you someone’s true character, and if you ignore them, they end up being much larger issues.
Can you really trust this guy to take care of you and be a partner if he acts this way?
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it escalated so damn quickly..
You are disgusting. You don't have to associate with people whose values do not align with yours. What you can't do is abuse someone. What you did was abusive, and I hope he dumps you. It sounds like you were looking to fight about something. You are juvenile, and he shouldn't be with someone as immature as you. Hopefully he realizes that now.
So he maturely tells you that your very rude actions towards him are making him uncomfortable, and your reaction is to sulk for an hour and gaslight him into thinking he’s the problem. Got it. I actually cannot believe you’re 27. I 100% thought this was a 16 year old until I looked up and realized you all are in your late 20s early 30s. Grow tf up
OK, look an hour or two right at the end of the day isn't the most unreasonable request. Going to bed, do you disturb her when you go to bed after her?
The point of marriage is to meet needs by using restriction to create something more powerful. If it's just restriction without product it's pointless restriction. Sex is exclusive in order for it to be special. It's a need. Fundamentally it's an issue of either he is into meeting needs, or he's into offering neglect.
Right now he's abusing exclusivity and its purpose through neglect.
Because that was her decision? Your friends sound like you…douchebags.
Hun, don't distance yourself from your mom, he's trying to separate you two. You should not act like a guest because he wants to, talk to your mom, but if this is your childhood home or your mom's house he moved into, he might be trying to mark the territory. He's the one trying to be the alpha, not you and I am generally concerned when I hear people using terms like alpha as they look like people that live power struggles. The nest way to handle him imo is talking to your mom and seeing if she is OK. Confirm if she has sole access to her phone, social media, email or anything that you can leave for you two to have private conversations as you live! away. If you happen upon another situation where he tries to control your mother, either ignore him and serve your mother the drink or confront him, however you feel more comfortable. If he asks for a chat to clear the air hold your ground and state your opinion (I.e. your mother is capable of making her own choices, you heard him the first time and his concern was noted, but more than that it would be control etc.). Definetely keep in touch with your mom as often as you can and behave as her family, never a guest, you're someone she can rely on, jot someone that needs to be entertained.
my Fiancé feels hurt because it seems like her time in the sun and engagement glow is now getting overshadowed by her Sister's engagement happening so soon after ours.
Oh boy….Christmas/NY-period is extremely popular for proposals in general, and if they want to get married in September, why should they wait with their engagement?
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Jfc are you so desperate to be loved that you'll take table scraps like this? Have done self respect girl- there are 4 billion men in the world, you can find one that doesn't violate your boundaries!
we just blatantly writing fanfics?
Well, you got what you asked for. You said you hate when women cry to “manipulate” men, and told her that the way she shows her emotions is manipulative (?) so now she’s not comfortable sharing her emotions with you, congratulations. You literally manipulated her emotions to be right in an argument that was actually also completely on you. I say, make the divorce easy for her. That’s my advice. If you actually love this woman you will let her find a truly kind person to share her life with and cause her no more problems.
Ok. Important consideration is who is the conservative, seems it’s him. Would he expect a subservient SAHM? Would he argue against your higher education or career goals? Will he expect a SAHM? Will he respect you if you want to work? Does he expect 8 kids? Rigorous religious upbringing for those 8 kids? What do you want?
She's not interested she just wants to pull the strings just to see if she can still manipulate you!
You are in an abusive relationship. It will only get worse.
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She’s too old for msn, next time go younger.
Exactly
I mean if its gotten to this stage in two months I wouldn't hold out much hope.
From my perspective, just reading what you wrote you might need to work on giving space and talking to your partner. Nobody likes to be straight up accused of lying all the time and maybe she feels like she can't do anything without being accused of something else.
Your also talking about some going behind her back and doing some detective shit with these photos? There's no trust in this relationship. Why do you want to be in a relationship that just makes you feel paranoid all the time? Like what are you actually getting from this relationship?
When this fails, and it will, take stock of everything that went wrong, learn from it, and use it to become a better person. That's pretty much all you can do.
In some degree yes, as a best friend it was someone with whom I felt like myself. I felt happy when i was with her but it was like a toll each time on my mental health because i was putting her above myself. Sometimes you need to prioritize yourself even if it turns bad in the end.
Before ending it be honest wuth her and try to convey how you feel without attacking her. The point is it is not ok to do even assuming she won't cheat on you. It is just direspectful to hang out with some who wants to get in her pants. You shouldn't even need to explain it to her, but since you need to then do so. If she can't still understand your point then yes, break up.
If you do want to save your relationship I can provide lots of resources on bettering this work load dynamic. They exist but I think at this point you've decided it's her job and you don't care.
Not to mention having a dude come inside you all the time can be a recipe for other vagina problems.
I mean tbf I’d much rather get a gift card than a piece of jewellery in a style I hate that I’d never wear. Seems like a win-win outcome.
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There's also the very common scenario of them opening up, GF having tons of success and OP realizing finding casual sex as a partnered man is not as easy as anticipated and is then unhappy with the arrangement.
OP, check out r/nonmonogamy
He said he can sell his home for 160K and he would be contributing that. But, we have been fighting over my inheritance because he expects me to put 400K down on the new home and then he expects me to split the monthly bills after that.
Bro, fuckin WALK.
You’re high off your ass if you think she didn’t have sex with that guy. On top of that, he dropped her off after they were done.
I’m very sorry for being so harsh, but at what point in this story are you going to grow a spine and stop being a doormat?
No.
Or maybe he lost it because he didn’t want to do it anymore
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Yeah same here. I think if someone is going to do something shocking, edgy and horrific they can't be surprised that most people are going to be… shocked and horrified. Like, that's basically the intent .
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Years from now you’re going to look back and wish you hadn’t wasted so much time and energy on this guy and his bullshit.
Seems like he is supporting you in non monetary ways. Seems like a good partner besides the financial split. Can you live with that? Do you need him to make more and potentially be home less time?
Prioritize how you want your life to be. If this works, run with it and don’t listen to your friends chirping about his lack of financial contribution.
Most guys wouldn’t think twice about a relationship working besides the monetary split. Even if it was at this level of disparity.
That mindset is your first hurdle. You are shedding unnecessary baggage to improve your QOL. This is a very mature, very grounded thing to do so do it proudly. The only one who should feel like a lover is the person you dumped.
so she is in charge of cleaning the kitchen, living room, and bathroom? you don’t clean those areas at all? and where does your child sleep? in her room?
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Seems like his focus should be on working through his own stuff in counseling and then making decisions regarding you and his wife accordingly. Trying to “work things out” with his wife dishonestly isn't the solution. I know it's hard, but if I were your friend, I'd tell you to extricate yourself. Maybe your relationship with him served a purpose for you to get you through a naked time, but that doesn't mean it should be forever, or that it would be healthy for it to be forever.
Oh, boy, to be this young and naive. Marriage actually makes most breakups easier once you have hit the kids/shared property/shared accounts. Marriage especially in the USA is about having a formal if annoying legal pathway to a) protecting inheritance of spouse/children, b) ensuring medical rights if incapacitated, and c) deciding separation of costs/property/responsibilities in a fair manner during separation and the ability to seek an unbiased party held to the letter of the law for disagreements unable to be agreed upon in private. Divorce is rarely every less messy if it's not legally recognized it's normally nastier because you have no paper trail and no set legal pathway to end things if it gets nasty. If the divorce is mutual it's annoying but rather cheap in many states. In my state the annoying but is the year and a day you have to live separated before you can file.
If my husband's love language wasn't physical touch we'd probably have separate beds tbh, if not separate rooms. We've yet to find a mattress that managed to let both of us be comfortable instead of just giving him all the cushion and leaving me, the smaller of us, sleeping on a veritable rock.
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I’ve been with 3 times as many people as my husband but he is hands down the best because of our connection. After 12 years together he knows exactly what to do to have me losing the ability to walk. He never says I’m the best he’s had but equally I don’t need him to because I see the effect I have on him. What’s concerning about your post are his responses. Have you asked him what the tweaks are or spoken to him about how you feel?
Yep, been there too. Whenever a topic comes up she doesn't want to talk about she shuts me down.
You need a new job so you can move on. No happiness lives down this road.
Her messages aren't really the problem here. I think it's your own insecurity you need to work on.
Sorry – she is your girlfriend. You are going to leave her alone with her parents on New Years eve. I understand your brother is important but so is she. I doubt that he only shows up – meet your friends and leave. I think you are too focused on what you want to do. She might be selfish but so are you.
Personally – Understand her side better then yours. You are not behaving like a good boyfriend and although I could argue that she should maybe apologise for how she spoke to you – still I find she has good reason to be upset as you are not having her as your priority. Probably better off with someone else that is not talking about her in negative terms.
Grandma got suckered into that sex toy mlm huh
If he has a preference, it's his preference. Just like when you have a preference for whatever.
A lot of women (obviously not all, or possibly even a half or less) say they want a man over 6'. Before somebody says I'm jealous, I'm 6'3″, happily married.
Just have your preferences and hold each other accountable.
I stayed for a few months. Tried everything. Dates. Gifts, marriage counseling. But she didn t even wanted to hear aboume me or marriage counseling.
This person knows the way
All newborns look like Little Bloated Raisins, I dont buy the excuse that his reason was that the baby didnt look like me, hell I didnt look like myself when I was born
I'm leaning towards this. It breaks my heart but I can't keep being treated like this
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I can also get on board with this as well. I mean, if someone was to get caught cheating and the couple was trying to build up trust again then I can understand it. But shouldn't we have trust for one another? And what about past traumas and relationships? You know, like if she needs that to feel secure than I'm fine with it because I have nothing to hide.
I wouldn’t really say I’m putting my career ahead but I’m starting to 2nd guess if I want to restrict myself to the same area I grew up my entire life. There are pros and cons to both
If someone hits him of course he has a right to fight in self defense. I am seriously overwhelmed right now by repetitive noises. my hands are actually shaky and my eye is twitching but they keep playing these noisy games and turning the TV on at the same time. i actually have a headache but I know there's a time limit on these electronics so I'm not going to hit anyone. I don't care what label is put on what person, one kid has been diagnosed ADHD, his autistic brother will likely be diagnosed the same, it's not okay for either of them to hit anyone based off their triggers just as it's not okay for me to.
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Take it one day at a time and keep repeating to yourself that you deserve better. You deserve to be someone’s first choice. You deserve kindness and love and respect. He’s shown you he isn’t willing to be a good and healthy partner for you, so believe his actions and not his words. If he does come back, remind yourself and him of all that’s lacking in your relationship and interactions. This is not a good fit for either of you.
Try to ask yourself if you can see yourself continuing this toxic cycle for the next few years. Is this what you want your future to look like? Would you want to marry a person like that and have kids grow up in that environment? (If marriage and kids are things you want, this is an important question)
Don’t waste your time and love on someone who doesn’t appreciate it. There’s much better men out there and in the grand scheme of things this will only be a blip in your life. Don’t let him become more than a blip.
If he texts you and you feel tempted to get back together, feel free to dm me here first. Maybe it’ll help to get the first impulsive response out of your system and I’m happy to provide some advice.
Do you want to?
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Yesterday at 5pm?
If he wasn't like this prior to marriage, then I'd seriously consider the possibility that he DOES understand what he's doing, and he CAN control himself, but chooses not to. Unless there's anything that specifically could have triggered him, I wouldn't believe that your husband has a mental illness that developed all of a sudden.
That being said, it sounds like you have a good plan in place so far. Best of luck to you, OP! Stay safe as well.
(And P.S. make sure that if he is too emotionally drained from the conversation to make plans right then and there, that you at least set a time and date to get a “game plan” in mind. Don't let him string you along on broken promises of getting help.)
No thought about how you were breaking your agreement?
YES! THANK YOU! Taking this guy’s words at face value is madness.
Bro thats more borderline personality disorder than anything. I'm a GP and she checks all the criteria, specially the splitting
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Let her fan girl in peace.
But it’s not dv he doesn’t abuse me this is the only time he’s put his hands on me aggressively before it’s been to hold me to stop me from making dumb decisions or leaving during an argument until it’s sorted
You tell him it’s over and end the conversation, do not resume it. Block his number, and social media and whatever he has to contact you on. If he approaches you, tell him it’s over and do not engage with him any more. If he persists in harassing you, tell your parents and get the police involved if need be.
Were you there with him or did he just tell you they were turning him away?
yep. she waited 18 months before revealing it…. way too long
Grooming is when an older person (usually an adult) finds a younger person and manipulates them into an inappropriate relationships. Adults shouldn’t be in romantic relationships with teenagers or children, and especially when there’s a power imbalance (usually caused by age but you said he was also your tutor) because it causes an unhealthy relationship dynamic
Its 2 guys
Don't tell him your plans. Don't mention anything. Just gather any and all personal documentation that you need: birth certificate, driver's license, etc. Have it all in a safe go bag.
Be super sweet and nice to him. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the abused partner is trying to leave. So you don't want to give him any warning. NONE. Don't tell anyone. Wipe your browser history. Sign out of all of your social media accounts.
Be safe.
I was homeless for a very short period of time when leaving my ex-husband. It sucks. I am not going to sugar coat it. BUT it is better than being emotional and mentally and physically abused by the person you love.
Yeah it is not about meeting someone and changing them the way you want them to be. It is about meeting someone you can be happy with. No idea why people fight so hard for these relationships where two people clearly are not compatible… Move on and pick a better match next time.
I believe you. I suspect everything was great – because you were making it easy to be great!
YOU handled your fear of hospitals and went with him, so it sounds like you know how partners should be treated. And I’m guessing there are many things you do for him to show your love and appreciation. I bet he’s even super grateful and loving when you do things for him! And when you agree that he’s right. And when you make his life even more convenient and easy. So yeah, I think things were probably mostly great because you sound very accommodating and he didn’t have to do much. Hell, YOU moved countries to be with him!!
But now, you have more information about him. You know that when it’s an emergency – when you’re literally dying without treatment – he will not inconvenience himself. He will not make himself the slightest bit uncomfortable for you. This is not your fault, it’s because HE is selfish and lazy. And you may have seen some signs before, but you didn’t KNOW. You weren’t stupid and I’m sure he can say all the right words. But now you do know that his actions don’t match what a loving partner does, so treat yourself with even half the consideration you’d show him.
And ask the Korean nurse if she can connect you with any Korean church groups in the area. Regardless of your religion they’ll likely have access to resources and people that can help you recover.
I’m wishing all the best for you!
Oh FFS! Where’s your damn pride? Walk the F away. She has no respect for you, treats your concerns as if they are nothing and blows off family for ‘Co-workers’. If you think there’s no5hing going on with her & him, I’ve got a plot of land on the moon, a 1 carat diamond for $50 and f&£#@%g bridge to sell you.
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Yes.. we've discussed doing different positions or trying out different toys, but he just never initiates. That leaves me the feeling that I'm an addict for sex and it just makes me feel bad ?
This is the biggest thing you need to focus on.
Your relationship may be great now, but if you split up after a decade of being a SAH mom, you then have kids which you can't support, with very little relevant work experience to help you find a job.
I would also be hesitant because it causes such a power imbalance in relationships where one person is responsible for all the money, especially when it is a long-term, ongoing thing (IE them supporting you to study, then to be a SAH mom for many years).
Personally, I'd say no. It's one thing to not work during the first year, or to work part-time while they are young. But for it to be a REQUIRED condition of you having children, I wouldn't feel good about that.
I was going to say something similar. So I agree 100%
He wants a SAHM and you want to work. Split the difference. Do the SAHM for a set time. Say till the kid is 3 or 4 then go back to work.
I was thinking more mentally exhausting, but still. I'm not quite sure you get it. Masturbation is about being able to do something for yourself, by yourself. You time. Maybe you don't masturbate without him so you can't see where I'm coming from, but if you're horny, it is nice to just be able to care for it yourself and not have to ask the other person, like I said, it is different. It feels different. If you make a big deal about it, then you're just going to stress him out. Imagine telling someone they can't touch their own body without you being there for it? It's like you're not your own person, only for someone else's pleasure.
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Your husband suffers from depression, gaming is just an outlet for him.
Sounds like what you signed up for, if you want something different just say, if you are put off then end it
You seem to have a real hard-on for hating men, why is that? I'm so glad I don't have misandrist friends any more, you lot are so draining to be around.
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And this is the difference between men and women. I’m so glad I’m divorced. Unless you’re in medical danger, she’s allowed to have a life instead of sitting and watching over you every second. You’ll be fine. Be happy she’s having a good time
For gods sake girl, you are 19yo and the person who should support you and admire you are shutting you down!!!! You said you are SCARED that wearing it out will make him like you less! Please! You are so young and need to have fun and feel good with yourself. Also you said he is from a different culture and why you should care about it and respect is so much to the point you no longer are happy with the clothes you wear? Why he doesn’t care this much about the way you are feeling? You are only 19, you will meet a lot of people in life, some will cheer you up and some you try to stop you from being you. Learn to chose wisely.
So it's more about not getting time with her than the guys. Got it.
Honestly I'd just talk to her and say that you feel like you're not getting as much time with her as you'd like and work on making something work.
What. The. Actual. F*#%. “It’s ok to have sex when you are not really that into it because you will get into it????????” Omg. That’s enough internet for me today. It is ALWAYS ok to say no and the No should be respected.
Honestly that made me laugh out loud. That’s gutsy.
On the title alone, I want to tell you that two months into a relationship for somebody to betray you. It’s a really bad sign. For me, it would be the end. And here’s why the first year Tove relationship or kind of a honeymoon. They are the falling in love the magical part where you think everything they do is like golden. But during this time early in this time, this person did this. It’s not a good sign that things are going to get a lot better. I would let them go.
Oh wow… the fact that this is your normal is a bit concerning… you have nearly 3 decades of life experience and can't have friends…
Please look into therapy so you can learn what a healthier normal is
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This marriage is over. File for divorce and find someone who enjoys spending time with you
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Well this guy is entirely mercenary, isn't he?
Couldn't have said it better, myself.
OP finds the fact that he doesn't much care about her or his child and has zero respect for her boundaries, to be some kind of exciting challenge or puzzle she somehow needs to solve. Likewise she's intrigued by his dishonesty and it triggers validation-seeking and closure-seeking behaviors. Otherwise OP would be anywhere else but asking the internet for advice.
Chronic Enablers like OP irritate me. They're the kind of people who vote for professional asskissing clowns like Boris Johnson, Ted Cruz, Scott Morrison, or who's that guy in Brazil, Bolsonaro? Leaders who might be deplorably evil if they weren't so corrupt and incompetent at everything except lying.
I'm so sorry about your cat. Unfortunately, IMO you need to put the dog down. My brothers dog did this. She seemed fine. She attacked my cat out of nowhere. We kept her away from other pets but it wasn't enough. She got out and attacked my sons dog in our backyard. My brother let her out because “she didn't mean it with the cat” and BOTH dogs had to be put down. My sons dog fought for her life. It was awful. Once my brothers dog had a taste of blood, she was never the same.
I'm not trying to scare you. But I am telling you where this could go. You would have to watch that dog 24/7. Around you. From getting out so she doesn't attack some child playing or dog walking in their own yard. I have had many animals and I worked at an animal shelter for years. Once they start down the path of instinct and attacking, you have to watch them. Always. There was only ever 1 dog that only attacked 1 person and that person deserved it. That dog acted depressed for the rest of its life. The ones who act ok after? Those are the ones you gotta watch.
So if you keep that dog? Don't ever, ever turn your back on it. Don't let it sleep in your room if it does now. It did this once completely unprovoked. And can and will again. Its just a matter of time and opportunity for her. I'm sorry.
? I will seriously never understand the people who put ultimatums and time-frames on marriages for relationships they claim are otherwise perfect. Is the wedding what you want? Do you not believe your boyfriend is fully committed to you without the ring? What will change about your relationship if you get married? You won't be any more or less in love or happy.
You abused HIM. Don’t put this responsibility on him. Leave him and get yourself together.
*TOO
break up with her. it wont get better.
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Most of the time you just do it when you feel that both of you are ready at the moment. Sometimes you can ask and make it funny and awkward. If the moments right, you would feel it. Being 13, I’m sure it’ll be confusing to find that feeling for that moment
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You should end this relationship
Most women have multiple partners into the first year of exclusive relationship. If that's not something you can deal with then don't. “I don’t consider ending the relationship a viable option” Well, there you go then. Why even ask a question here then if you already know what you want to do or not do. Don't be surprised if you find her cheating on you tho.
My lord did you not even read the first section of the first source at all? I wasnt linking it for the court case or the specific law at all. “Sexual coercion is classified as a duress crime. Coercion involves obtaining consent from a person in such a way that their consent was given under pressure. This type of consent is not the product of a person’s free will.” The part i linked the first source for. If your having trouble with the second source since you hadn’t mentioned it at all. Take a look at this section. Repeated Attempts
“One form of sexual coercion is wearing you down by asking for sex again and again. Whether you’ve gently declined or directly rejected someone’s advances, they shouldn’t keep the pressure on — they should accept your boundary and stop asking.”
This is just showing off tbf.
He likes you. Now get some vital supplies in and go again. Remember to hydrate.
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He did cheat though. His revenge sex was built on lies, and he will have to pay the price. In both child support and now alimony. You should seek divorce for adultery. You did nothing wrong. He was disloyal to both his child and you.
If he can be so easily manipulated, he deserves nothing less. And your parents should also pay the price. Neither of them are strong enough to support you moving forward.
I think you already know what you have to do. He does not respect you. I promise there is someone out there who will. Move on girly move on.
(PS. I would NEVER call my wife any of those names. They are NOT terms of endearment.)
Well I'm French and the idea that someone I pursue with being romantically involved in sight is fucking someone else is beyond my dealbreaking level.
If we are clear we are casual until maybe something else then OK we both can hookup. But if I'm clear I'm more invested than just see where it goes and she bangs someone else then I'm done.
I tried to bring it up twice. Stopped because it wasn’t her most comfortable of vibes/moods. She says she is open to considering marrying me, but at the same time seemed a little worried about having to consider it, which I understand. I just worry myself about investing years in another person who isn’t sure of commitment but carrying on because it’s currently good. In my experiences these gfs have always walked away later and not for my lack of trying. She said she wants children, but brought up adoption, I dont know why, cz she has previously said our babies would be awesome…she definitely loves her independence, or atleast seems to have some want for it. I’m not a clingy or restrictive partner so she hasn’t worried about it yet I believe.
Maybe I am worried she will find this too much too soon. Maybe it is too much to ask a 24 year old for these things and create pressure. I myself would not have liked to make these choices at 24. But then again in my experience, when you feel good and comfortable with someone it is not so hard to imagine a family kind of life with them…?
Dude stop preying on someone barely into adulthood. I’m your age married to a 31 year old. There’s no reason at all for a 30 year old to be dating or even hanging out with a 21 year old.
Yeah I have been thinking that, like we do talk about issues and work through them but I feels like there are these areas where we just can't click or can't see eye to eye with each other
The foundation of your relationship was largely built on lies. You have every right to be upset about this and even break up with her over it if it's too hard to get over.
Actually the Italian thing sounds like it's better for OP. It shows she likes OP for himself and not just because he's Italian. Otherwise if she was already seeing the other Italian guy, why would she leave?
Well if you catch something from him or he gets a girl pregnant, don’t be mad.
Just to be clear, are you the reason for their divorce? Because this all is a gigantic mess all in all and he seems to try to eat the cake and eat it. I get the feeling that he is playing you both and enjoys the attention.
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Even if I went to some form of counseling? Thank you for the helpful comment
Dump her she's lazy. You're too young to deal with this shit the least she can do is take care of the house and cook you a hard meal when you come home. Don't accept this life.
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That sounds like a good attitude to have. The holidays can be really busy/stressful so I think it's fair to give him the benefit of the doubt, without expecting too much. Good luck!
He's stupid. Man this hurts to read.
How can a 32M think that Hard to orgasm = No orgasms ever?
Any insights to why he feels this way or advice?
Tell him to grow up and get over it. I don't know why his tantrum is entertained here. Why does he need to be consoled?
This sounds like emotional manipulation.
Nope and nope. Not kink-shaming, but NOPE
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It sounds to me that she is deeply remorseful. I think you should consider seeing if you rebuilt trust. She has likely been faithful ever since.
I have nothing really to say except that I am so sorry for all you are going through and really wish you the best. My brother had bipolar disorder with psychotic features and it was extremely stressful and scary. I just really want to encourage you to continue getting your sister help. Hopefully your fiancée will come around, but as someone who lost their brother to this illness (and I’m not saying that will happen to you! I don’t want to freak you out too severely), I’d give anything to have had him actually open up to me about his paranoid symptoms so we could get him proper help. I really, really hope you can get yourself mental health treatment too. This is a really traumatic situation to be in, watching and caring for a loved one with a severe mental illness, and it’s imperative you take care of yourself. All this said – if it becomes too much to help your sister, you are ultimately useless if you can’t take care of yourself, and enforcing boundaries/stepping away from caring for her may be what you need to do in the end.
He can have one, which he entirely pays for, but I’d be done. ??♀️
From the stories I've seen on here, the women get weird about it because of how the men present the idea. There is a difference between the attitudes “just to make sure it's my baby” and “it's only fair because you have that peace of mind naturally and I do not.” A lot of men (in the stories I have seen) also approach it out of the blue without any discussion prior to getting pregnant.
If a paternity test is something you will absolutely want, cool. Make sure your partner knows that well before ya'll get to the point of having a kid. If it's an unplanned baby too early in the relationship to have discussed it (that situation really shouldn't exist though), make your request in a way that is sensitive to how the pregnant person is most likely going to react.
Pretty much confirmed it from her she begged and cried for me to not look at the test when it comes
That is a wonderful way to look at it. You are not wrong at all.. Truth hurts ig
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The statistics are in your favour, not his, about 70% of us cant orgasm from penetration alone
I don't want to hijack your valuable comment but: people don't wear underwear under their pyjamas??
I don't want to rekindle the relationship, my psychologist adviced aswell to put in my final words in a letter so I can finally find closure. I don't care what she does with it aslong as I can tell her a true heartfelt message and be a kind person like I am.
she fuckin someone else
It would be worth it for you to read up on executive functioning deficits.
It may be what she cannot sequence the steps more often than every 4 days. She may need gentle reminders or a new ‘system’ in place for herself to be self aware and capable to follow the basic steps of proper hygiene.
I am outnumbered by ND people in my house, and when I read your post I wondered if she was neurodiverse. Gentle conversations and soft reminders will go a long way with her. Toss her a new pair of undies when you go to put yours on, invite her to shower with you often and don’t make it sexual, make it caring. Neurotypicals don’t understand the sheer mental steps it takes some people to complete daily life skills. Until I married a ND person and had ND kids, I had no clue the effort it took.
Save all receipts you have of her weird behavior because she may accuse you of shit when cornered.
Some people think they can ignore reality by sheer force of will.
yea you have every right to be. What's so hard about a hug and kiss, unless he's depressed or something else is wrong in his life.
Cheating, wearing em, or bought em used. Very sus.
The thing is, I do have a problem with it, and I feel ashamed about it. And it’s something we’re working through. My partner and I have to contend with the pain we caused each other, and every repercussion that comes with it.
This guy, on the other hand, has no such repercussions for his judgment and action. Having him answer for other bad things he’s done at least serves a semblance of justice for everyone involved.
You should do it to put a drug dealer in jail. Wtf.
She made her choice – she chose the cat. So now you keep your word, and leave.
If she really wanted you there, she would have respected the fact you didn’t want to get a cat.
> I actually have a MS in cancer cell microbiology but heavy US medical bills are the absolute worst
That's another reason why you should leave the USA. And I'm very happy to have left.
get proof (screen shots of the conversations). Get rent. then get revenge if you want her to feel the pain – post those conversations on her medias then change her passwords.
“she joked he likes pokemon” so… you know him and he knows you? he knows she has a bf? that's double shit.
“lease is in my name” after you get rent? kick her ass to the curb. She can sleep in the car she's been fucking him in.
She found out her words have meaning and she can’t just throw out any thing in an argument. This isn’t on you, why would you go back to that minefield?
Iikkrrr??? Like I tried to talk about it while not being aggressive she literally started to cry. I literally just wanted to have a normal conversation. I think she's bullshiting me
Daily is not an addiction
I would rather be “verbally violent” than actually violent. Telling someone who protects predators to “get fcked” is way less violent than what this disgusting 30yo is doing to this 21yo. Is this your friend? Do you know them? Do you have fantasies of someday getting your own young person to exploit?
So what was her excuse/justication for lying to you?
It is typically, but it depends on the context. Everyone in the world is not lying by omission to you because they didn't track you down to tell you what they had for breakfast. Not every detail is required in life.
She told him kids weren't in her future. He's not a fiance or husband. They're at the dating stage. That means they have to accept whether or not they fit with each other's life goals (not try to change them). For that, the why isn't needed. If you don't match with the goal, then you leave.
If they were engaged or married, yes that comes with having already decided on the person being you're partner and needing to manage obstacles together. At that stage, her infertility being the reason for her childfree life would be discussed. Her decision for no kids would have been respected on its own up to this, which is when the discussion of why comes up.
That's not what I am saying and that is not what I think. Please don't put words in my mouth and make awful assumptions about me.
If that's true, then you would have respected her feelings from the start. You didn't. Your actions speak a lot louder than words.
I do not respect anyone telling me what I have to say or do in my life.
Then stay single. The entire point of being in a relationship is working together. Things shift and you have boundaries with the other person you have to either accept or leave the relationship over. That's basic respect.
I did not respect that Beth tried to tell me I needed to say no to holidaying with Amy because it made me uncomfortable
Then she needs to leave you. Lack of respect for her feelings means you either (1) are not a suitable partner for anyone and/or (2) are looking for a partner that is too self conscious and embarrassed to share their uncomfort with situations which is what abusers do.
So either you're telling us you're just not a good partner or you're looking for the same type of partners abusers want.
As I said in my OP – that is not how I felt and I did not want to lie.
Your options were to recognize her boundary or break up. You seem to be constantly missing that gravity of this situation.
I have stated that from a personal POV, I do not understand why Beth was uncomfortable with me going on a holiday with a female friend.
Doesn't matter. You either respect the outcome of it (neither of you on solo friend trips) or you breakup. Not understanding the emotions doesn't mean you don't respect it.
But did I say that I didn't respect that or her feelings? No.
The moment you told her you wouldn't let her “control” you by voicing her concerns means you don't respect her. Your friend gets to control you by dictating if your GF gets to go. But your GF is considered controlling for telling you she's uncomfortable and doesn't want you to go alone?
I know I don't deserve an award for being the most amazing person, but far out, I'd really like not to have awful assumptions made about me…. I'm a person too ya know?
These aren't assumptions. This is all based on what you directly said.
Fuck off. I was traumatised and needed to get it off my chest and talk to others about it. I was molested myself as a kid and trusted this family member. I came to reddit anonymously to do that. It was christmas and it totally ruined all of our christmas. I wasn't allowed to speak to family or anyone about it. 100% fuck you. Go fuck yourself. Fuck you for acting like me being related to a molester is any reflection on me.
This was nice to hear, thank you!
Why are you with someone where your stance on something like this don’t line up at all? Find someone who doesn’t use porn rather than having someone conform?
If it comes to that I’ll not stay in that relationship. He isn’t like that though. Hopefully it will remain this way.
There's always the chance he puts on his big boy pants and makes an effort to move out sooner if you tell him now. He could throw a hissy fit over the next 4 months too. It's a high risk, high reward play.
That said, I think it's the kinder move too – it gives him more time to get his shit together before the lease ends so he can figure out his own housing solution knowing that he has a defined end date.
I think it's important to have the same accounts and share finances. That being said. If you can't get on the same page and he can't be trusted with finances that is probably a sign you should not marry this person. Needs to be a deep discussion and rules and arrangements need to be agreed on paper. If the money is big enough a prenuptial agreement can be considered.
Hes taking the MCAT this spring and then applying after
Therapy. You need to learn how to exist without being an energy/emotional vampire.
Try friends and family for meeting some of your social needs – spread your need for human contact and socializing around among several dozen different people so that you're not overwhelming a single person by demanding hours of emotional labor daily.
All that said, I'm not understanding why you're in this relationship in the first place. You don't seem to be getting anything you want out of it, and neither of you seem to like you are all that interested in the other.
Fair question, I doubt it! I imagine we will be distant friends at best, but honestly I wasn't really thinking about what was going to happen to me. I more feel bad for her and looking for a way to do something right here in an appropriate way if possible
I'm sure she does, but that's fine and not my business. It's healthy I would hope. I would be a huge hypocrite being annoyed at that while venting about her here on the internet 🙂
Getting a new therapist in Washington soon. Been so stressed out and depressed that I’ve been focused on auto pilot functioning . The first few weeks I was here I couldn’t move . All I didn’t was cry and sit in one place. They actually broke up with me during this time because they couldn’t “handle taking care of me” and we ended up getting back together. On top of that , I’m disabled and have an auto immune disorder that flares up bad during high stress and makes moving and functioning exhausting and painful .
When people say sex is a “chore” for them, I often wonder what kind of sex they are having. When you have sex, is it good for you? Like really good? Or meh, or bad?
Do NOT let her hold your money any longer. Contact an attorney ASAP and have them formally contact your aunt. It doesn't matter if you don't need it. Your grandfather wanted you to have it. Don't let her get away with it, it's not about the money, it's about letting her know that YOU know she tried to steal from you and you won't tolerate it. I made the same mistake you did, and I lost A LOT of money.
Based on comments, Looks like she gets everything she wants. Stress free divorce from the husband, and constant banging nights on business vacations with her boss.
Wtf is wrong with your husband? Stay away from your neighbors, time for a new catsitter
Now she says she wants to stop talking as she cant see herself trusting me again
It sounds like you've had a pretty clear response here. IF she changes her mind, that's going to be down to her.
Forget about chasing/ghosting, that all sounds like some gameplaying mess around, not a mature start to a potential relationship. If open honest conversation got you to this point (and that was absolutely the correct move, regardless of outcome), then take it as it is. You messed up, she's no longer interested, it is what it is.
If that means no more contact, then so be it, don't think of it as “ghosting for 2 weeks” or similar. That's still a manipulative mindset.
You literally move out of the country after going on a date?
Honestly that's giving me strong Norman Bates vibes.
That’s fair, I think next I’ll go with her and be a bit more firm. I hate smelling bad especially working with kids I try not to be to hard on her because I know she’s had a rough life
Not to mention, he asked for sex without a condom as a birthday present, when he knew she wasn't on birth control. In fact, that definitely should be mentioned. He knew he was taking a chance she would get pregnant, and he still wanted his “present”.
I don’t think you do BUT for safety reasons: -STD test (both of you) -Pregnancy test (ik you have an IUD but shit happens)
I know I’ve been guilty of being so in the moment I’m not thinking safety and neither is my partner. I think that if your uncomfortable maybe sit down have that conversation once more with him. And going forward just use protection but I wouldn’t be too worried about respect if it sounds like you’re both on the same page
Yeah…”let's go have a private smoke away from everyone, alone, at my apartment…also don't answer your phone or tell your girlfriend!”.
He's sorry you're not stupid and that's all.
If it was so innocent he could have thrown you a quick text. Also, that girl is not your friend. I'm glad you found out how terrible your (ex)bf is now and not much longer into the future.
Hmm, that's really curious and unusual then. I think I would still sit him down one more time and ask him if his family has reconsidered their support because he gave them the timeframes for visits or something like that.
I honestly have no clue beyond that. The fact that he's clearly suffering, not compromising with you/trying to make it work despite his feelings and not willing to talk to his family about your expectations makes me think that he's clearly keeping something from you, though. In the end, all of us here can only guess – only he can give you the real answer.
But in the end… no answer is also an answer. A person can break up with their partner for any reason whatsoever – “I don't want to be with you anymore” itself is reason enough. And while explaining would be the morally right thing to do to give the other person as much closure as possible, it's nothing that you are owed. And that sucks. I think I personally would try one more talk, make it clear that it will be the last talk and see if that will spur him into revealing the truth.
Yeah honestly to help support him if you still want to be together you have to start with small steps, like no smoking until xyz is done so it's more of a reward rather than a necessity.
This even took me years, the fact that I had a job meant I couldn't smoke until the evenings either so that's what helped me but as soon as I got home I was craving it because of habit.
My next stage was finding a replacement of things to do in the evening which was the gym. Now by the time I got home it was like 8/9 pm and I'd be tired from the gym and I'd cut down from 3 to 1.
But I did slip up and start smoking before the gym even when I didn't want to. It's hard.
However be aware if you push too naked it can lead to resentment. Weed also numbs pain stress and emotions – do you know why he is smoking? Could it be anxiety or depression or just leisure? There could also be like a can of worms you might not be able to deal with. Just don't give ultimatums
Maybe start with that? Talk about it together
First off, try and breathe first. Second. He should not be getting mad at you for not having sex, period. That gives me bad pushy vibes. Also, totally not cool to spring something like this on you right before the deed. I wouldn’t blame you if you took this for the sign it probably is ?
Nah, just social anxiety ? its all good i’ll just have to man up i guess
Nope and I don’t entirely believe him either. I know you’re totally bonded to him right now, but you’re not doing yourself any favor. He still wanted to go out and play the field. And maybe you dress more elegantly than trashy but he’s wanting to play the field. Otherwise he would’ve made a connection with somebody else and moved away from you. I would move away from him and stop contacting him. If there’s any hope left he needs to see what his life is like without you. You can’t even tell him honestly, do you think he needs to go on with his life without you if he’s not attracted to you. And then leave him alone and then either his true feelings will come to the surface or he’ll move on.
What I'm getting is that during a disagreements where neither can change the mind of the other, you are willing to say “let's agree to disagree” (though you may not be totally consistent with this), while he is not willing to do that and shuts down instead. Perhaps he views not being able to convince you as a “loss” and does not want to admit to that loss. However, this is speculation on my part.
I think you were doing great with the text until this part: “…he said if I wanted to stop fighting I shouldn’t have brought it up. Then I said that his argument is no more emotional/biased than mine, [etc]…”
Here you abandoned your approach and let his accusation pull you back into the argument with an attack. With the benefit of hindsight, a slightly better response might have been something like: “I'm a little confused by what you said. The essence of my whole response is that we should stop fighting, drop this matter and formally put it behind us. I can see now that I muddied the waters by trying to summarize our views first. But if you set that part aside, do you agree with the general sentiment? Because what I'm sensing is if you'd rather either keep discussing it or use one of us being silent as the way to signal the end of the discussion.”
I think you should point out that in general neither endless arguments nor going silent are productive ways to communicate. You should be able to explicitly reach an endpoint even if its not complete agreement.
She was 13 and you were 26? Ick
Ouch, sounds like he doubled down? 🙁 Sorry he's like that.
You seem to have a good handle on the situation, I'm sure you'll do what is best for you and GF – she's a lucky woman.
She’s helped me pay a couple of my bills. And buys me stuff. The loan was to help her pay rent and stuff for her house where I’m at all the time. In which I do buy stuff and help her in certain things
OP, your. Wife has been on the receiving end of unsatisfactory sex for almost a decade.
You owe her an apology for not going to see a physician about this problem years ago. How are you just discovering some of this information now? I’ve been aware as a woman since about age 18 and let me tell you, if I were your wife, I’d b pissed at you, not laughing.
Apologize to her, go see the doctor and appreciate that she hasn’t cut you off completely.
Would you feel this way if the coworker was female?
He still slept with her and others and used paternity as an excuse. I don't believe he's sorry at all. Protect yourself and the baby. He does not deserve to be forgiven
Make her your ex gf, she has zero respect for you.
My ex was pretty perceptive
One day she turned to me and said, you know I can tell when youre hungry because youre not horny. When youre well fed, its a completely different story
BLT should have come first….pun intended
I feel like your the reason behind this.
She already broke up with me, not sure there’s any point in telling her now.. don’t want to hurt her self esteem. She seemed over me regardless & I’m not dying to get back together rn
literally OP got a teenager pregnant and now is whining about her maturity. I can believe the lack of auto-critic
My dad purposely quit jobs or did shit to get fired just about the time court was coming up. Then cried about hardship during court. While not providing a goddamn thing for the child he created. Including time. And I am NOT a unique case.
So get out of here with your mens rights bullshit. Men apparantly have the right to be shit people who don’t pay for their children? Nahhh bro. Consequences. Not misandry.
I mean calling it demons is a bit of an understatement. I don’t want to get too much into it but I will say that my mother is a narcissist manipulator that hides behind the face of “spirituality”. She creates massive problems for herself that are hard for me to deal with or walk away from, unless I want a potential suicide on my conscience. Not to mention I’ve been screwed over many times trying to help her due to her holding pets I grew up with hostage.
Don't make him wait. Not cool at all. To me it really seems pretty clear you want to do something he won't be okay with… So let him go
Even as an atheist, i still cackled?. The exhaustion in the “Lord, please”!
You cheated on your gf while she watched your kids, real classy on your part. Tell her so she knows how little she means to you
Yeah no worries. That’s what the sub is here for 🙂
If it were up to me, every two to three days, but like… real calls. I wanna catch up properly, not just yada yada and forgetting about it the next minute. Sadly, she sees this as me not showing proper interest, but it’s my way of doing just that. I wanna be able to sit down and listen to what she’s got to say and since I sometimes have busy days, that doesn’t work all the time. I work a physically exhausting job (cashiers desk with no possibility to sit down except for breaks) and after standing for nine hours and constantly talking to customers, I’m not always in the mood. But luckily, the job is part time only hence I have my moments where I am able to fully commit to talking to her. I have communicated this very clearly so she understands that its not a sign of me showing disinterest, but rather part of my love language that I don’t want to do this half-assed. It’s exacerbated by the fact that we’re LDR until next month because she’s doing a semester abroad, but I flew in a couple of times and we’ve made it work thus far.
As others have said, do not give her his last name. Have your lawyer hammer out custody and visits etc. DO NOT LET THE GRAND PARENTS HAVE ANY SAY IN THIS. Visits with them need to be supervised. Don't be surprised if they try to get custody taken away from you. I know this is going to be hard, but you need to do it for you and your baby.
Best of luck to you and your child
Therapy?
15 yr old, disgusting pedo
So all of this is a huge red flag. Under stress, people revert to their “true selves”, i.e. the base personality of their inner 3-year-old. Her reaction to stress is to blame it on you and rehash her grief and feelings for her ex.
IMHO, that’s completely unacceptable. It’s a behavior she can control and it’s not worth your time to help her figure it out.
If you were older and had more invested in the relationship or expressed a desire to find a way to be with this person, I might suggest otherwise. But since you aren’t and you don’t, just chalk it up to dating experiences and move on.
To break trauma bond you block him and go no contact! Avoid getting hoovered.
You were patient for 1 year and more you stay it gets harder to leave!
“he told me that he’d ask his dad to marry us after the abortion so I wouldn’t have to face things alone” – this doesn't make sense! It only makes sense if he wanted to break up with you. Anyway you didn't get married and didn't face things alone. Also, if he wanted to marry you he would surprise you and propose.. not say something stupid that doesn't mean anything. His father could say NO, he didn't even ask you if you wanted to get married… I'm sure you had a gut feeling that something was off when he said it but brush it off.
You need some courage to love yourself..
They were still married! What he did goes against the meaning of the word “faithful” in like 3 different ways.
he’s definitely toxic for the whole threatening revenge porn….
My guy she’s depressed and chronically ill….. Stop being so selfish and start asking if she’s okay! Ask what you can do to make me feel more comfortable. Bring her breakfast in bed on your days off, even just a coffee. Do fucking anything to show you’re supporting her.
Tell him you'll go to the cops and tell them he's a pedo if he doesn't delete them. That may scare him into submission.
Those two weeks of college DID show who you are. I’d move on an focus on your own growth if I were you.
the latter half of that is so difficult tho because he’s a family member of one of my best friends… I definitely don’t feel like getting police involved, in some ways i’m worried it may have seen like i strung him on bc i was always very nice to him/gave him attention – that’s what his mom was saying why he acted like that… ugh
being a kept something means you dont have chores. maintaining a house is a chore. taking care of the kids and doing all things related is work.
I mean the pansexual, the fact of the woman, it's all immaterial. The fact is she was hard in a bathtub with a person that her sexuality would allow her to be freaky with. And didn't tell you about it beforehand to give you the capacity to be involved in the decision making process. The question you asked is very valid, if you were in the same picture with a woman how would she react? And she'd be right to. This is just disrespectful to you as a person and to your relationship.
Yeah, “She never came back to me” is kind of a good way to put it… She doesn't look at me with desire, actually, she just looks like she's actively avoiding me physically. It kind of makes sense, we went to a hard sauna together, and I swear she avoided looking at me all together. I don't think we are together to be honest, I should probably avoid being alone with her myself. At least her family is good company, and they don't weight on my heart…
He's probably looking for much younger partners because they are less likely to stand up for themselves and accept his shitty behavior. If he doesn't even make an effort to meet your sexual needs, why do you have sex with him?
Sign the rights away. This is on him. He fucked around and found out. “Wah wah i didnt think it would be this hard” sir that's a whole child. You need to get a lawyer yesterday
You’re just being weird man.
Charges yes, but it would be a lost battle in court. It might still be good te report it, though, as it might help as a precedent tge next time he assaults or even goes on and rapes someone. I doubt he will stop. Guys like him never do.
He’s insecure and projecting.
My husband is a porn addict. He will stop at nothing to get his fix. Local women, escorts, doesn't matter. It's mind-blowing. I wish I'd left when I was younger, but he hid the addiction so well, I had no idea. Think long and hard before you forge a relationship with an addict.
You have money. Hire a home helper.
I wish you both all the best of luck! Hope it works out in the best possible way for both of you. Regardless what that ends up being.
Not everything is about you.
You guys need to get some counseling. I know a lot of people have given you some good advice on her physical and mental health, and you should listen to it, but you need to hear it from her. As well as the earlier issues in your marriage.
Child support is not my issue.
The small dick energy comment isn’t necessary
I would dump her just over her definition of “true love”.
Waiving your rights doesn’t exempt you from child support. It just exempts you from any custodial rights to the child. You’re locked in for this for the next 18 years.
You’re well within your rights to be upset, it’s a hurtful thing to say to someone! Perhaps speak to her and ask her to expand a little, usually people say these things when they’re not feeling appreciated (I’m absolutely not saying that this makes it an okay thing to say just to be clear). I think the only thing you can do here is communicate with her and get to the root of the issue
You’re absolutely correct regarding surrogacy agreements. Although it doesn’t read like that is what that is at this point. The OP has mentioned not being against paying child support which is helpful as they’ll likely be on the hook for child support as things stand currently.
Big difference between “hurt” (your words) and “challenged” (my words). Men tend to get all worried when they hear their girlfriend may have experienced a dick bigger than theirs. When in reality in 95% of cases those women aren't upset, in this case the woman even prefers the smaller size compared to a previous boyfriend.
She is actually on anxiety and skin meds (something to do with acne, unsure) and has been for a long time. Never considered it at all but I'll find out what they are and learn about any potential benefits/drawbacks of them.
I'm happy to tone it down abit, It just seems early on for that. Regardless appreciate the input
I just want to add as a stay at home mom of three kids, everyone feels like they can’t do it for a little while when the baby is so young. So hopefully he’ll get the hang out it soon and him and baby will be fine. Not saying you should just wait it out to do anything legal wise but just saying for your peace of mind. Good luck
How much of YOUR money will he need to lose before you realize how problematic this is?
I don't know.
If you look at my post history you will realize how unusual it is for me to be uncertain.
The problem is that if he is an ideal boyfriend and a respectful man who overdid it at his bachelor party because he got carried away then you should let it go. But if there are other red flags (that you may not even observe) then this is a clear sign that he is not going to be an honest and reliable partner.
How are things between you otherwise?
I'll start off by saying I'm genuinely sorry about your current financial situation and all, that sounds incredibly stressful and frustrating.
Just because you had an agreement that your boyfriend could have sex with you while you sleep doesn't mean he wasn't kind of an asshole for trying to do so when you obviously weren't in the mood; you had an awful night that you spent crying… I feel it would be common sense to not try having sex with you that night, but unfortunately, it wasn't.
Assuming you even want to keep the sleep sex agreement intact, tell him you don't want to wakeup to sex when you're having a bad night. Maybe establish a rule that sleep sex is only okay when all is well; when you don't have horrible days and fall asleep crying, for example.
Good thinking, good living
Listen, whoever is saying you should just shut up and accept it don't underatand the real reason you're upset. I get upset every time someone gifts me something I don't like or nothing at all, because this is my love language and gifts are super important to me. It's not oh, they picked something that i don't like how dumb are they?! It's “this person has known me for a number of years, we are extremely close and they didn't even bother listening to me or just…knowing what I'd like” It's disappointing that someone who should be extremely close to you and your partner for life didn't consider how you'd feel about it.
Do they eat chocolate? It has child slavery and labor. Do they use make-up? A lot of brands include animal cruelty. Do they buy branded clothes? Again lots of child labor.
And these are only a few examples of daily items most people use/buy. Does that mean they endorse this stuff too then? No, it doesn't. People should really get their heads out of their asses.
In her defense, I assume all her money is going to pay for law school. Which is a solid investment for the future…. But she's not demonstrating much common sense.
Judging by comments here, everyone is queueing up to throw the first stone at OP’s wife.
Turn your location off.
He doesn't just sound controlling; he sounds like a total Drama Queen. (aka PITA)
The fact that he tried to stop you from going to have a good time with your family is yet another red flag.
I'm failing to see why anyone would want to make her see such a horrible shit. She's in the right, and you tell him that. And you leave her where she is to have a nice life with her salon, her husband and her baby.
He is basically saying he only likes you for your skin color. You’re a fetish to him. It will probably be something harder for him to overcome as people from poorer countries like him put a premium on lighter color skin as it indicates you don’t have to work out in the sun all day. Obviously it is a nonsensical belief in most of the western world where it indicates the opposite. That you’re able to leisure in the sun and get outside or something healthy.
I'm sure there are may exceptions. Reddit is a good place for this. It isn't personal, just in general. Sometimes it can make you doubt yourself.
Would it be best to give him space and maybe text/call him next week?
Maybe leave him alone? Your domineering drunken attitude probably gave him major ick.
This is a more profound point than most people realize. A paternity test really only proves that she was faithful one time. lol. He needs to cut off this friend group.
You’ve been dating for 8 months and you haven’t met irl yet?
This person is not what you are looking for. Do yourself and them a favor and gently break up with them.
You are going to be deeply unhappy for the rest of your life if you let people treat you like this.
Definitely weird, especially if they are only seeing each other every other week and only having sex 75% of the time they see each other….so that works out to what, 1.5 times per month? LOL.
The obvious solution here:
SHIT ALL OVER HIM
What? So you know she wants to get married, you don’t want to marry her, but you don’t want to break up either? So your plan is to string her along until you grow a pair of balls to break up with her? The things I wanna say to you would get me banned.
Well he's only got himself to blame then. You should tell him, he decided to be a father the moment he ejaculated inside you. Abortion is not birth control. What a fucked up individual.
I assume you never said you were on the pill or something?
From the first post, you guys had it under wraps. She disclosed to you about the crush and transferred departments. You guys started marriage counseling and individual counseling. It’s normal to have crushes on other people, it’s human nature but it seems like she choose you and your relationship in the end. Why the separation? Just because you’re a little mad she had a school girl crush on another person? Why the allowing of sleeping with other people when you can’t even get over the fact that she had a crush????
No way he’s 27 .. He is acting like a teenage boy, you deserve a MAN who actually cares about you
Same
OP seems chronically allergic to the idea of admitting his boyfriend did something dumb without excusing it, which is a little weird.
If me or my wife did something really boneheaded that ruined a moment (probably me) it’s not like the only two options are “you’re an awful idiot” or “it’s completely fine and was never a problem!”
Boyfriend fucked up. Now figure it out from there, don’t have to ignore it and keep wondering what made things uncomfortable and how to fix it without addressing the central factor.
If she won’t believe you, then she is not the right person for you. It hurts like hell but the pain will subside sooner than you realize. You love her madly but if she really loves you, she would believe you over a young girl who can’t even get her story straight. And that is not the woman you want in your corner when there are bigger problems to face. Take time to grieve the loss, and know you will be better off for it.
There is a YouTube video of a cute couple demonstrating a sugar blocker spray called Empower that stops the sweet flavor completely. See if that works for you.
The least that asshole deserves is a knee to the groin. That’s the most dangerously irresponsible treatment of someone with trauma I’ve ever seen in my life.
You'd be crazy to accept a proposal, feeling as you do.
But don't wait until he buys an expensive ring to let him know this is not in the cards.
That is someone who is not that into you
She knew exactly what she was doing by kissing a married man. There is no misunderstanding there. And you know exactly what you're doing by wanting to still be friends with her. If you're going to choose her over your wife, then I guess now is the time. Let your wife find someone who actually respects her.
I did go to a doctor about a year ago and that's what I was told, i haven't been able to go back since. I also found it hella weird but I trusted him
Sounds like he was insulting you because you were making him insecure talking about how other guys want you. I don't think you are overreacting but I also think you were being insensitive in the first place. Obviously he shouldn't have resorted to being mean like that, but it's an entirely different issue. I don't think his comment had anything to do with how you look or if he thinks you're pretty, I think he was negging you because he felt insecure. Not sure if that makes it better or worse.
A different brand won't change anything. My man is trying to tell you magnums are hard to put on, lol
Its a lot more likely that he doesn't like putting them on bc he fumbles around. Bc the time may make him go soft.
Have you tried putting them on for him and turning it into a foreplay thing.
If the above doesn't work, I'd really rethink the relationship. He cares more about a condom not feeling good than your health.
Says the person who’s been yelling about how bad other women are and how superior she was this entire thread.
Again, why don’t you try considering that you’re not getting the full story here and your experience as a pregnant child who shouldn’t even ache been having sex are not universal.
Continue to be inappropriate. Tell him he must be interested in your sex life because he can’t keep his dick up he’s living vicariously through you. Every time he mentions something sexual, respond “ok soft dick”. Ask him intruding questions about his previous sexual escapades in front of his wife. I’m sure she’d to love to hear all about his past experiences. He doesn’t deserve respect and if he’s going to make you uncomfortable do it back, and let them get mad at you until it stops or you go no contact.
Shame is a very powerful emotion. You need to let it go until she can get past what happened.
But FYI, your college just lets people search your room? Did they search the room of everyone who had been there? And where was her wallet?
I can see that too, no judgement. I can appreciate what furries are doing and I genuinely think it’s great they have this thing and this community.
Im more so confused that this person “realized” they were a furry. I thought it was a little more binary than that, not just checking your temperature and you’re like oh shit turns out I’m a furry.
Just do it. You need to get out of there. And if the only way you can do is by sending a message and blocking her, do that. Use whatever methods you need to get out if that situation, even if they aren't ideal. You are being emotionally abused and need to get out for your sanity. Protect yourself
Depending on how she was treating him, this might have been the only time he could of got away.
I'd say it's dating. Not officially or exclusively but dating
Confess to him directly, once for all. When he asks why are you telling him, say ‘to find a resolution’. He will reject you, which will hopefully help your brain to move on from its daydreams.
This might sound extreme, but I'd consider dumping her. Her bringing up something extreme and detailed as this, as well as your reaction to it. You might have run into something you won't be getting over.
Each time you're all meeting, and she'll be there. You know what her fantasies are, what she's thinking about.
If you are able, I recommend seeking some kind of counselling for yourself. Yes, do talk to your mom about the situation, but having a neutral ear, just for you, is important for your own mental health.
Sorry this happened to you. Just in case, it's not your fault.
Personally i would just forget about it for now, if she wanted to try something more, she'd tell you
A lot of people are not comfortable doing that unprompted for a whole host of reasons.
Bro has one choice, to save his relationship. Sell his own car.
Well, only do it once with each scenario, lol. The point is to think of worst case and work your way through it on your head, so you don't have to worry and wonder. You know you can manage, and most times worst case doesn't even happen. Focus on what this relationship brings to you and let the chips fall where they may.
If you have a lot of anxiety in general, talk to your doctor. There's help for that. 🙂
a personal boundary is something you build around yourself. It's not the same as a relationship rule. You can say, I never date guys that even have Snapchat. You can't erect a boundary on anyone else. She can say, I'm not staying with him because he broke a RULE. She can say, I'm not staying with him because I don't want to or because it's cloudy or because it's a full noon. She doesn't even need a reason. She can pack up and go. Or she can say, let's figure this out. Something is missing in our relationship. I don't want to spend my life looking through your social media. If you want someone else, please go. Or she can tell the truth, I haven't forgiven you or forgotten that you messaged another girl 5 years ago and now, I'm out.
Leave. You have no real future with this liar so stop wasting your time.
Seriously, I don’t get why this is happening so much in this sub lately. It is the most basic of common sense.
You go swimming.
Fucked around and found out
Concealed carry is not the only answer. But the rest of them are either not as effective or require a lot of time and training to be effective. Firearms are an incredible equalizer for people who aren't as physically strong or capable, but as with literally anything else, we all have to make decisions based on our comfort levels. I don't know what if any familiarity you have with firearms or concealed carry, (from the post it doesn't sound like much) you might take some familiarization courses and talk to some people and see how you feel then. But you're allowed to not want to carry or own a firearm for any reason.
Well that sounds inconclusive.
Just try asking him out like I said, to know the answer.
Why did you or your parents ever need to be told? Other peoples genitals are not your business unless you are planning to touch them.
Yep, your wife is, to be honest with you, I think that your wife feels entitled and if your mom has never shown or been abusive in any way than your wife is being prejudice and entitled. She thinks that she has the only say in how your child will be raised and who will and won't be acceptable to meet and have a relationship with. I guarantee that if you have female friends and coworkers or even guy friends that you are close with that she finds immature, she won't let them around her. I think that your wide wants to alienate you from people in your life that she considers a threat, and trust me, she will feel as if she is entitled to tell you what you can/can't do and who you can/can't see. Are there any other red flags, even subtle ones? An example is has she suggested to you that she didn't want you to hang out with certain people or suggested to you to dress differently or spend all your time with her? It could be anything, no matter how small, that is a red flag that you might have missed. You need to think seriously about your relationship and marriage. I really wish you the best of luck in your situation. Also, your mom sounds awesome! The fact that she held a lot in and suffered in silence to ensure that you didn't suffer growing up is commendable as well as recognizing that she needed help and is doing really well now is something to marvel. The fact that your wife (who you said is anti-fat isn't showering her with praise is concerning. I think that because of how close in age they are she doesn't want your mom around because she is afraid that your mom is going to be more important to your child than she is.
Being bisexual isn't the same as being poly. You can be attracted to other men but you stay faithful to your husband. It's no different for him.
Honey, the chances that they won't have sex if this guy comes to stay are pretty much nil.
You need to be honest with your husband. You want to be in a monogamous relationship. You signed up for a monogamous relationship. Him being bi doesn't change the basis of your relationship or what you both agreed to. You feel awful about this because he is emotionally cheating on you (at least). If he continues these emotional and sexting relationships it will evolve into actual sex, if it hasn't already.
He knows you don't want this. Getting you to like his “friend” sounds a lot like manipulation. He knows you better than anyone. There's no way he believes you're ok with this. To me it sounds like he's relying on your devotion and trust to get away with some really awful behaviour. Behaviour that you do not have to tolerate.
RUN! get out of there before you get charged as an accomplice to some crime or worse, shot with the gun! It's also illegal to buy a gun for somebody else like this- google “straw man purchase.” One of the questions on the form 4473 is whether you're buying the gun for anyone else. If you lie about this, it's a separate crime.
The throwing the phone and sulking is indicative of anger issues- frequently a predictor of more serious abuse. Stay safe and get out quickly and quietly!!
I asked! She also has feelings 🙂 Lots of more conversations to be had, but thanks for the confidence!
I'd also be mad if my partner just helped herself to food I brought home without asking.
Don't help yourself to other people's stuff.
His reaction seems extreme, but is this a common issue?
You can’t just demand she communicate in the way you prefer. Blocking her literally silenced her when she most needs to communicate with you. What are you, just too lazy to read a text?
Why did you post another thread to speak of a far lesser issue than the one you posted of him admitting he stalked you and was gonna rape you?
You can not care about the relationship enough for both of you to make it work. You can't make him want something he doesn't seem to want.
When my ex started doing the same thing (canceling our time together, making excuses to not come over, etc.) I started backing away.
At first I thought he'd start to miss me and then initiate time together. But I realized that I was so much happier without stressing over why he would reject me so much, and just being me and doing my own thing, that I realized this was all for the best for me.
He did end up asking for time together a few times but I pettily did to him what he did to me. I always had an excuse. And then I finally told him we were never going to be what we used to, and I had long since moved on, he was upset. But I pointed out that every time he pushed me away, he was teaching me to live without him. And now I am thriving. So. His huge loss.
I wish you inisght and strength. Decide what is best for you, because what he's doing really sucks. And you do deserve better.
As a shy woman who has ghosted a handful of guys myself, I've acted this exact same way when I wasn't interested. Being so shy I didn't know how to say it so I hoped ignoring the guy and ghosting would make them stop liking me.
I've held hands with guys through dates I hated. I've told guys I had a good time, I've kissed/hugged goodbye when I thought I was supposed to, I've suggested more live type things instead of in-person ones, I've blamed work and being tired for not hanging out, said that I slept through notifications, didn't get texts because of phone problems, etc.
It sucks with shy people because persistence really helps us break out of our shell, but there's no way of the other person knowing if we're just too shy to say it's not working out.
have been considering maybe sending her a letter if she doesn't text me before Saturday
(Definitely don't do that)
This is just my experience!! If you got the vibe that she really liked you then maybe try texting her to see if she's playing Roblox (idk what this is so I'll assume it's an live! game where you can message while you play).
Keep things casual and friendly with no pressure to see if she comes around for a simple game where she can leave at any time and take her time responding. Don't mention the upcoming date at all (yet), pretend you forgot and see how she acts. I would do this thing where I would pretend I forget we made plans and hope the guy wouldn't ask, but I'd reply to friendly messages. If she replies ask if she still wants to hang out that day (I would make an excuse if I didn't want to go).
If it's okay with both of you, it's okay.
Realize you may be judged by others, but you'll have to address that as it comes.
“Turns someone on”? Nah mate. If so, a lot of people would be sex workers. It needs to involve some kind of sex.
I actually agree with that. Most people are only considering her at the extremes, but that's not the case.
Y'all are both 30 but still talk and act like you're both in high-school. She doesn't like you, she's getting banged out by some random guy on their weekend trip. But hey, at least the kissing is fun, right?
Tough love time: Cut her off. Move on with Hanna and start dating people who actually like you and aren't just keeping you as a last option if every other guy doesn't work out. She's trash and you need to man up and stop letting her have control over you. She loves the attention but doesn't want to commit. It's over.
OP, why SHOULD you tolerate it any longer? LEAVE. HER. This isnt love and its better to be alone than to put up with any type of abuse.
Also he was clearly wrong that it would look unnatural or ruin your natural beauty.
Sometimes cosmetic procedures can do that, but usually only if you overdo it to unnatural proportions. It sounds like you got it exactly right.
her weight is proportioned for her height. sorry you can't see through that fact to realize people aren't being bitter — they're grossed out by the fact that you're stringing her along — letting her make future plans about a life with you — while not being honest with her. let her go and let karma hit you on the way out the door.
Can I ask why you didn't tell your Mom?
Ngl, she's probably hurt.
Your Dad already knew and you have a bf you've never told her about. You don't owe her this information obviously but like – you have to understand why she'd want a little space no?
Honestly just show up at their house uninvited too and ask to talk to her lol.
Yeah no this isn't healthy. You need to leave and sue him for all the money you've given his family. He's using you. Isn't that clear? He didn't rush in because he fell in love. He rushed in because he realised he could use you. Why he needed to use you when his entire family is clearly rich I don't know. You've been paying half as per your explanation and you need to get it back and divorce this scammer.
No, but it will burn hard and furious while it lasts.
honestly, who is able to send 3 texts, giving away that many “secrets”, to the wrong person and not know? he did it on purpose
Uh maybe she wanted to have sex, why is that the problem here?
First off, you have to be willing to communicate about this if you want a healthy, mutually beneficial sex life. There no shame in it, and if he loves you he'll be happy to work together to make it more satisfying for you both. Sex has been so stigmatized as something that men “need” and women “endure” .. and it's simply not true. Sex toys are a wonderful tool. If he takes issue with this then there's a lot more wrong with this relationship that you aren't acknowledging. I would communicate with him that you would like to orgasm before you have penitative sex and go from there.
Sounds like she needs more therapy before she is ready for an intimate relationship. She initiated a kiss without consent. She did that, not you. To then argue with you about how much of a kiss she consented to when you didn't consent at all is pretty fucking ass backwards. You're setting yourself up for trouble if you pursue this relationship.
You must love Quentin Tarantino movie's. Maybe that's your fetish?
You just have to be honest and tell your wife. Then figure out the next steps.
You haven’t cheated, the biggest deception so far is not telling her there was a possibility once the other woman got in touch but you can tell your wife the truth in that you didn’t want to worry her unless you knew for sure.
As long as both people agree, then keeping things casual indefinitely can work! I'm a commitmentphobe but I'm honest about that upfront. If I was with someone long term but had no desire for marriage and kids, but they changed their mind (or I did) then that's just the way it is. There's absolutely no point in staying in an incompatible relationship, whatever titles are used.
Giving advice is what men do when listening to others, it means he cares enough to try and help your problems, therapists do that as well and my father gives me advice when I need to talk about something.
He sounds so immature. Join the sorority, it wont affect him badly unless he keeps pouting about it.
You basically were implying that by literally saying “YOU could have burned something down.”
You can not like gender reveals as much as you want ( not the biggest fan of them myself), but it's downright incorrect and rude to associate a cake cutting gender reveal with someone who blew up a forest with fireworks. Shitty people are going to do shitty things with virtually any trend out that, it's not on the people like OP who do it RESPONSIBLY to stop them from being idiots.
Sounds like she has a sex addiction or something. Sex twice a day and still needing more? She's going to have to work through her issues but you probably should not stay around unless you feel like you can forgive this immense breach of trust.
It's kinda horrifying, actually.
If he ever has a family with young kids, who may sometimes get scared and want to sleep in bed with parents… Yikes.
Consider how hysterical she's being about it that's a good choice on his behalf.
Have read your comments and since you don't want to leave him when you clearly should but want to tell him to quit acting the way he is the way is simple. You tell him to stop and everytime he starts you hang up or walk away. Although I get impression that he wouldn't let you walk away and that sweetheart is a sign you should leave.
26 may be young to us older 1s but you aren't a child and you seem to have been raised by a man who loves you and cares so why be with someone like your husband? Go ahead and ruin your life but I feel sorry for your dad, poor man. Good luck OP but I fear once your husband is home your life will be more fucked than it seems to be.
You can’t. He has a deeply sexist mindset. Now you know what he thinks of all decisions you make: that they are not to be taken seriously. Do you want to spend your life with a person like this?
I get it, I’d feel the same way too…if I had all the information. You left a lot out that are making people speculate about your fiancé and your friend.
People don't tend to be able to think clearly when the worst possible thing happens to them. The loss of a child by a parent is incalculably painful and he'll never recover fully from this. So it wasn't a great time to get jealous. But it's done now. Just move on and maybe try to develop some empathy before you get into another relationship.
The premise in the first article you cited that fathers are favored in custody fights is a stretch when speaking about the US. The article is also not about rapist fathers, but rather claims made by one parent of the sexual abuse of children and their inability to prove their claims in court. I couldn’t read the second article because I am not signed up to the Post, but it also seems to be about courts not looking kindly on abuse allegations without sufficient proof. Regardless, from what I have read, 32 states allow the termination of parental rights of rapists who conceive a child of the rape is proved by clear and convincing evidence (which is the standard in family court), while others have varying restrictions in place, and many still require criminal conviction. I am fine with the clear and convincing standard because I do not believe you should be able to strip someone of their parental rights based solely on an accusation.
He probably doesn’t even know that himself after only 3 dates. He’s in the evaluation phase. I’d suggest don’t sleep with him, and if he’s really seriously interested he will stick around and make more effort.
It essentially strips your skin of the healthy oil, so showering every-other day is better for maintaining good skin health.
I take it you are American with the European peasant comment? For me personally I shower every day I'm in work bc sweat but because the climate here doesn't get very warm, you can easily go a day without sweating if you aren't being active. Of course everyone is different, but you can wash your armpits/groin/hair/face without taking a full shower/bath 🙂
There is always another option woman! This is your body and your decision! I thinks it's amazing that you're including him in it and I think that's the best you can do for everyone involved, but at the end of the day you're the one that has to endure the brunt of the responsibility.
If he's not willing to support you no matter what, you may have to just block him on everything. Best of luck.
This guy is cheating on you, lying to you and hiding himself from you. A person can be gay, bi, bi curious, whatever they want, what makes thus wrong is the lying, the hiding, the covering his traces. If he doesn’t want yo have sex with you but he’s so keen on his male friends that he’s exchanging nudes, maybe you are just his screen woman. Does he come from a homophobic family/background? Sounds like he’s deep in the closet. Darling you are getting into a very disappointing and sad life if you start a family with this guy. He doesn’t value you enough to stay with you and be faithful.
So she doesn’t want to talk about it, doesn’t want to have sex (and the important part) with you.
So end the relationship. Find someone else who isn’t either using you, or deliberately refusing to get a medical issue looked at.
your place is not in the ikea isle with the doormats, his place is out your front door.
he's been watching too many of those youtube/tiktoks where men have to be “ah's” to others to be considered a “man” -> kinda like in certain middle eastern countries where women have no rights and are subjected to the same abuse you are currently subjected to
Is he saying it casually or quietly doing it after the fact?
I mean you put they aren't single….what did you expect? They probably living their life with new partner, and put “friends” on the back burner.
I’m sorry but people can’t just come up with their version of cheating. It’s also crazy how many people are on the wife’s side. Masturbation is private time, unless it’s mutual. Also her reaction is nuts, I can get the pregnancy and all the other issues, but it’s a vast overreaction.
This was bound to cause you issues.his was bound to cause you issues. If like watching porn and you knew she hated you watching it at the beginning of your relationship did you stay with her? This was obviously a sign that she wasn't right for you and you chose not to read it.
The relationship part of this is overwith dude. You have your answer on what they are willing to do. The only question is what legal options you have.
That is well beyond a little lie that's a massive omission and she knows it. I would seriously consider if I would want to continue to be with her consider how long she lied about this and how easily it was for her to make up everything along the way. What else is she lying about?? Having a body count over 100 is massive its just so much higher than the average person it leads me to believe she might have some kind of issue. If a guy told me he had a body count like that I would also feel the same way. Screwing 100+ people isn't normal and certainly shows why she choose to hide it. She must have been a party girl. Are you sure she never cheated on you? Like extra sure? This is going to take a lot to get past for you and it might really wreck you in the bedroom knowing from now on you are being judged against 100+ other people.
I personally would have dumped her if she had told me this during the dating phase and now I feel like she has taken away and stolen the choice and years of your time to cover her lie. That would not sit well with me and would stir my resentment towards her. I might have to leave her because of the years of lying and the fact that she took away my agency in the matter. I would probably become more paranoid about what she does and with who from now on and my trust in her would be damaged.
Hes toxic. You deserve better, cut and run RIGHT NOW
If she never works & uses sm all day, would you still enjoy being around her? You don't have to be alike. You have to be compatible– that's different for everyone.
It's only been 2 days and will be less than a week on Valentine's day…
I mean… Porn is made by real humans. Features real humans. Smut books feature imaginary characters who simply don't exist. Can there really be a double standard when you're comparing apples to oranges?
Good for you! Stay strong!
Thank youu… I feel you're right. He will destroy me.
There are a lot of things that are concerning in your comments and post together. It actually DOES sound like your boyfriend resents or at least does not like that you are white – he's openly told you he wishes you were black. I don't think this is a healthy relationship to be in because someone who loves and respects you would not be telling you that he wishes you were a different race.
If he doesn't want to date a white woman he really shouldn't be dating a white woman.
We only have this one incident to go on which imo doesnt warrant a break up but does warrant a discussion on how this made you feel and he she feels about it all. If you're truly not happy with her and this is just the straw that broke the back in a string of straws then just break up, you seem so decided anyway.
Yea he came here to hear that hes right and his GF should totally be over this already. He is way too selfish and immature to to be in a relationship with someone
Think about the first child you helped. The next time a strange man asks if she's wants a lift, she's going to say yes. Only this man might actually be a pedophile or serial rapist or even a murderer. And this time she gets sexually assaulted, kidnapped or even murdered. And part of it is your fault, for setting the precedent in her mind that it's ok to accept rides at 3 am from a stranger.
Someone is going to get hurt. It's enough, stop now.
Do you think this might have factored into the g/f's thoughts and we're all, OP included, assuming the worst of the g\f?
Yeah, this is crazy. It doesn’t matter if you’re partners. Your partner did not sign the work agreements or NDAs and it doesn’t entitle him to that information. My partner and I both work in privileged information fields and while we generally know the basics we never go into details because if it EVER gets back to our employers, we could be fired or worse.
What awful position to have someone put you in.
I meant convenient you deleted your post so I can’t quote the part where you said he didn’t respond so you blocked him…
I don’t know why you’re so invested in saying it doesn’t bother you, but regardless of it’s due to him not responding or him being a flake, you’re spending a lot of energy on an ex, so you look really hung up on him. But hey it’s your energy, spend it how you want.
Do you want to deal with having to be a perfect image of a boyfriend for the rest of your days? You're young, and I'm sure you can do much better than that. Your girlfriend cares more about your appearance and her public image rather than your well-being.
Let's look at it from this perspective, imagine what would happen if something happened that would change your appearance permanently? Would she ditch you for not being perfect anymore?
Hahaha the comments that you’re an “idiot.” Fucken people haha
Keep your child. This is YOUR CHOICE. You may not get to be with him, but you will be one hell of a mother.
My ex wanted me to abort. I didn’t. My son is 10 now. I will never regret my choice. My son is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Congratulations OP. Wishing you all the best.
Interesting. I wish I could be as mature as you one day. I find it offensive especially since it was done in secret and was with an old fling.
As someone that knows they are monogamous, but tried poly for someone, it was a waste of my time and ultimately the relationship ended because of it. She is not going to change for you. Take some time to mourn your relationship, work on yourself, and make sure your next partner is on the same page.
I wouldn’t be in a relationship at all if I were you. You need time and space to grieve your previous relationship, even if it was shitty. How would your new bf feel if he knew you were still hung up on your shitty ex while you should be focusing on him?
My advice for you is that time closes all wounds. You don’t miss your ex, you miss the idea of him- the version you wish you had. Remember the manipulation, the cheating. That is his true face.
I think OP's boyfriend was insecure before she said that. My wife has an attractive coworker, and she has expressed to me that he is good looking. However, I trust her to not engage in anything that would disrespect our relationship. I know that this guy may be more conventionally attractive than me, but I also know that my wife loves me for more than just my looks. I'm not insecure, and I don't immediately jump to assumptions that she's involved in cheating for being around a “hot guy.” That's guilt by association.
I agree. Also last thing. He said to me if you want me to stop i can stop watching or playing and talk to you. — that’s what he said yea. But i’m scared that later on he’d say “you’re so controlling, if i’m talking to u i have to pause everything that i’m doing to talk to you, you think the world revolves around you yadadadadadadada”
Everything is in my name except our vehicle which is in both
This sounds like it's about to be a Dateline special. Make better choices and stay safe.
Just leave him now… don’t listen to his bullshit when he tries to say it’s not as bad as I said it was or whatever he needs to say to get his dick wet… dump him (I’m 50, I’ve been here a while), it won’t get better!!!
Yeah the time period is what really throws me “ best years” we just her mid 30 when this type of thing occurs normally anyway and the struggle part was only 3 years and he still did a lot.
You lost me at heavy filtered pictures, really was no need to add that
That speech was a sound bite. It was a deliberate poison pill and it was intended for
you
, to sow seeds of doubt in your head about your guy.
Not just that but also to remind him of his 'constant debt' that he hasn't been paying. People like that usually believe that their children are forever in their debt for… existing. Payment of said debt can consist of doing what they are told, letting themselves get controlled, abused etc. Being reminded of said debt stings like hell, even if you hate the ever living fuck outta those people.
OP messed up big time.
Was your BF created in a red flag factory
if you’re over 18 & don’t mind reading my other post, I just really need advice
Leave this horrible asshole immediately
Thank you so much for those words. I’ve been letting these thought bang in my head and I keep telling myself that I’ve might done something wrong
OP, document all of your interactions with this person in your phone, or on a computer that’s not a work computer. It sounds like in addition to the age difference, there’s also a power difference. You do not need an excuse to say no to lunch with this man (or anyone for the matter). Document these interactions to protect yourself.
Why are you compromising on your own health like this? He's already shown you that he doesn't care about your health or your boundaries. End it.
Oh I totally agree. I don't like trying to “trick” your SO. At the same time, change of behavior and there's already possible trust damage in there that we don't know about? Could OP have security issues? Maybe? Could it be between the two of them? Also possible. Ton of moving pieces. Thats why I tossed out “This may be a TERRIBLE idea.. BUT…”
LDRs add extra challenge and difficulty to relationships.
Yes, this incident has formed a crack in your relationship but if she wants to cheat, she will cheat.
You don't really have a choice. You have to either trust her or let go.
Lol. That's what, the price of a cinema ticket? A movie you might not enjoy that you only get to see once. Yes I'd spend that, especially if it was to spend time with my partner, even just 3-4 hours. And far less than the $500-$600 you were quoting lmao
Maybe don't date racists
People are being too hard on you.
I don’t know if I would call it an overreaction, it’s just not addressing the real concern.
In a comment, you wrote something like “would you want to be in a relationship with someone who is friends with someone else they used to be in love with?”
I think that’s the wrong question to begin with. It should be “would you want to start dating someone who is possibly still in love with their friend of 17 years?”
Most people’s answers will be vastly different. I’m also not sure why your bf would share that little nugget with you only after 1 month of dating. That’s too much too soon. Truthfully, at 36-39, i think thinking your each other’s bf/gf is too soon after only 1 month, but we’ll put this aside. Also, I am assuming he volunteered this info on his own?
I think you went to “either choose her or me” to make sure he’s not still in love with her. I think it’s because you were trying to make sure you’re not his plan b or a poorman’s substitute. I understand why that would have been important to find out as soon as possible because:
1) nobody wants to be anybody’s plan b 2) you’ve only known each other for 1 month, so you can’t really say you know the guy enough to fully trust him 3) breaking up is easier after 1 month as opposed to 1 year or more
He picked you, and now you’re wondering if you’re overreacting because you now believe that may be he did fall out of love with her.
I don’t know if your litmus test really proves he is not still in love with her though.
I still don’t understand why he would share that info with you in the first place. I also find it naked to believe that anyone would be willing to let go of a 17 year friendship over a 1 month romance that statistically will likely fizzle out UNLESS it’s because he knows he has to let go of a 17 year old unrequited love and you’ve given him an excuse to do it?
I don’t know. I don’t know you or your boyfriend. I just think your question in this post is wrong and the logic is faulty.
Couldn’t agree more. OP has already done the hard part. Now she needs to finish off with blocking his number.
And there was no way he did not cheat. Otherwise why was OP not invited to a group vacation. Or at least told about it. I wonder how many rooms there were. Easy enough to check if need to. But it should just be done now. Move on.
INFO: We’re the dogs yours before the relationship?
hey! from personal experience on one side of the coin, he was more than likely paying for specific content/unlocking messages that cost extra money or paying to chat. a great deal of sites like he was using rely HEAVILY on having a low subscription fee and then having the subscriber pay additional for what level of interaction they want from the person they are subbed to,.
im so sorry you found out that way, OP! hoping the best for you
OP calls her bf her fiancé as well so I don’t think it’s hypothetical….
Well holy monkey. Time for OP to run like the wind from the whole ordeal.
You're justifying accepting his toxic behavior because he “does a lot of nice things” for you.
Listen. I know you said not to bring up the age gap, but do you honestly think that if you were older, more experienced, and more seare of your worth, you would put up with that shit?
Get out of this relationship.
Oh he had a reason. The reason was that he wanted to get his willy wet and they were available. Anything else is going to be excuses. Dirt like that does not even deserve a final conversation. Block him everywhere, and go on to live your best life.
I was believing the whole story and feeling empathy for her up until she followed the husband, first to the car and then hours at a motel… who was watching their kids and all that? Boo. Really took away from the plausibility of it.
The best closure you can get is to decide to not tell him. As painful as it is, he elected to abandon you, and I know how hard that can be, let alone while carrying a child. If they can abandon you in that condition, they never had your best interests at heart. You already know from your experience that they are a miserable person, and they don't deserve to know about your pain.
Confide in your friends and loved ones. Move on, and leave your ex in the past where he belongs.
I wish you the best of luck going forward.
Divorce her. If you cared about your son, you wouldn't have been screwing other people. That opened the door.
What you did wrong is have “several “ kids. How much is they 3? 9? 34? We don’t know. The fact is you don’t understand how much work multiple kids are too raise. 1 is fine 3 is harder 3 is like another universe. 4 is wow nuts. Yo just gloss over all this and it might be the reason your wife is so stressed. Multiple kids are a full time job.
He raped you. Should have used lube. I will never understand idiots that want to do anal and aren’t actually prepared to do it properly. It isn’t something you just do on the fly. Relaxation and lube.
I’m so sorry you had this happen to you.
no, he's still friends with their uni group according to op's comments, just doesn't go partying with them, but they do other stuff together.
You can't justify what you said, let go of that. You were angry and you said something shitty, this is not because you are a supervillain, this is because you are a human being and we don't act right when we're angry. You should apologize for hitting her in her weakest spot, it wasn't fair, it wasn't right.
But you get to have your feelings about being told your fiancee is childfree. You are not childfree, obviously, and you believed you were on the same page. She probably didn't do it out of a desire to be manipulative or deceitful, but to please you. That's her mistake, she needs to apologize for that.
This, my friend, is why communication is key and assumptions are bullshit. You need to sit down and talk to her about all this stuff. And you need to be prepared to pull the plug. You cannot hear her say, “I don't want children,” and think that you'll change her mind over time and that'll be fine. It won't be fine. Either you'll fight all the time or she'll make an irrevocable decision that goes against her innermost wishes and the regret will wreck you both.
Thank you
After reading a bunch of your replies, I think you should do her a favour and end the relationship. You sound insufferable.
Trying to get sex isn't sneaky. He's made it the clear focus of his interactions with you. Did you tell him it makes you uncomfortable? Why would you keep talking to him if you don't like that?
I wouldn't. I lose interest and cut off contact with men who I find uninteresting, scary, or gross.
Why don't you?
Seriously if you're that hungry there are other ways.
They are not friends worth having, she sounds lovely and she will find plenty of people that will realise that. Also your sister was clearly trying to protect you, albeit rash, I think she meant well. That's also pretty awesome. So glad you all got through it 🙂
Ew
That is exactly why you think that way I’m sorry to say.
For sure get into therapy if you can.
But also tell new bf to fuck off. Your back hurts and you’re bringing the chair. Or he can buy you another one if he doesn’t like the free chair you’re getting
Op sorry about your BF behavior. Have his belongings outside of your home. Tell him that he wasn't any fun any more,and he can go back to the girl at the Bar. See if he likes how that feels. Good luck with your studies, and have a great life with someone you deserve.
My sister and I have different dads, and our mother has been married to mine for over 30 years. My sister's dad was in her life, and she calls him dad, but she also calls “my” dad “dad” as well. She's just lucky to have two dads. Her choice to call our dad dad was hers alone. If you like being called dad by her, let her lead the way. She may switch between dad and your name, she may favor one name over another, but she's old enough to know what she's comfortable with.
Updateme!
I would have had your GF tell her as a proof that she is serious about making things right. If the other GF doesn’t get back to you, have her talk to her.
but I want her to make that choice.
And that is what telling her and being honest with her will do.
So lay it on the table and see what she says. Give her the option and if she wants to call it quits then it'll be sad for you both but at least then you can both move on and find your own happiness apart.
But look, how this all pans out is really going to be down to how much you both want to compromise on this. If you feel in your heart that it is what you want to do but it come at the cost of her no longer being in your life, then that is a cost that you just have to bear.
It's a gamble and it may turn out in the future and in hindsight that she was the best thing that has ever happened to you, something that you threw away for a kink. There is some solace though in the fact that you wouldn't be the first person to live a life of regrets and you sure won't be the last.
Girl. You both need help.
Don't test people. Don't cheat on people. Leave when you're done.
You're both so draining even to read about.
Why does it matter what the internet says? You married him after you got back together. Or did he say your marriage is not serious?
Either way… just leave. Stop searching for more drama.
Just know that if you bring it up your relationship will more than likely be over. If she says no and you say OK never mind it will likely still eb the end of the relationship jsut for bringing it up. Or she agrees to it to “not lose you” without begging truly on board with it and it will be over as well. Or she agrees with it and she gets more action than you and you'll get jealous and it will be the end of it as well.
In short, when people open up previously monogamous relationship it rarely does not end up ending the relationship. So think long and hard about this before bringing it up. And if she says no what will happen to that appetite for sleeping around?? I'm betting you won't be able to suppress it long term. You're young and you're allowed to feel the way you but it means you're just not ready for a long-term monogamous relationship. That's why people should avoid LTR when they're young because too many people end up feeling like they missed out. So set her free and go sleep around.
This makes sense. Weird but I get the whole “trophy” thing.
What bachelors degree is a year long though? You start uni at 18 and graduate around 21 if you’re studying a bachelors degree
For one, make HER stay at a hotel for fck sake, she’s the cheater. Second, obviously you need to get your ducks in a row and dump her nasty ass. Let’s hope it doesn’t turn into a custody fight etc. However, every shitty situation that will come from this is HER fault, not yours.
That's an easy block surely?
Why are you hiding hus country? Anyway, not enough detail to help but it's not midlife. He does not have the experience or age for that.
What are you getting out of this relationship besides sex and insecurities?
If she has depression, there is a good chance other people do know how she feels in general better than she currently does.
I know people get hung up on the lying, but I can see where he’d be nervous. I do think it’s something that should have been talked about before/as soon as you both moved into physical stuff, but I still think it’s understandable. Hopefully, he’ll do better in the future.
In an ideal world we’d pick partners based on personality alone, but that’s just not how people work. If you aren’t into vaginas, there’s not a lot to be done about that. It sounds like maybe you’re a little flexible on that point so maybe reflect on what the issues are and see if it’s something you might change your mind about. If it isn’t, then I don’t see this relationship lasting. If you decide to end things, just please be gentle. It sounds like you do care about him so no need to hurt him more than necessary.
You can also check out some subreddits that deal specifically with cis/trans relationships. You might get better advice there. Even if what you need is advice on breaking up kindly.
If sexual fantasies about random acquaintances constitute cheating, everyone is guilty
Wait the time you guys set and then ask her out and be better.
To be fair, is it really that very hot to push in? All I’ve had in the past is really slow anal, so I don’t know how easy or naked it is to go fast at it. Plus he doesn’t have a lot of experience, and I’ve introduced him to a lot of variation, so I feel like I need to give him the benefit of the doubt if I just didn’t teach him right?
If your boyfriend wasn’t in the picture, if it was a different guy or he left you, would you have this baby?
If you do not 100% want it, to carry it for 9 months, to take care of it for 18 years (longer because the average age children are leaving home in the Western world is now like 28 and will probably get higher) – don’t have it.
You won’t be able to give it back, you won’t be able to walk out on it in good conscience, you will be stuck with this current boyfriend being in your life in some shape or form for the rest of your life.
If you have any reservations, if you have your immediate gut feeling being get an abortion, do not bring a human into this world. You will resent it.
Uh, you don’t know he’s using her. You sound jealous, and are more interested in him because he’s interested in someone else. It’s not a good look. Let them figure things out. You need to butt out.
You’re right her parents should have been supportive and happy for her but that wasn’t the reality and shouldn’t have been a surprise to her given her parents religious leanings. I wish every parent could be supportive of their children’s sexual orientation but life just isn’t that way.
The main point that the OP needs to find out is what now? Will her husband back up his sister and will the parents soften their stance? They can’t change what happened, the focus needs to be, is it fixable?
I agree, and who knows when will he try this again. Move on and get over him. Please get tested for STDs.
Thanks, Ik it’s just a dream right now, but I guess it wouldn’t hurt to ask anyway
Never borrow trouble from the future. Best of luck!
The argument obviously isn't over an apple, it's over the boyfriends violent behavior.
My siblings are 10-12 years older than me. I am so amazed by your love for your brother (who is more like your child and that is ok)!!!!! You two have been through a lot and you have both had a lot of loss.
He is perhaps preparing for more loss.?
Go right now and POUR out your heart. Tell him you love and adore him and want him in your life forever. That no fiance could ever replace him. And you can't imagine life without him. Tell him what you said in this post – how he has been the light of your life.
And let him know that no matter how life changes he will always be a priority. And if you have kids you want them to be close to him.
Tell him this over and over until he stops withdrawing from you.
Just take her out for a fancy meal instead.
Yeah, why would you joke like that?
i’m not in lala land, i am aware that this is a risky situation
Yes you are in lala land. If you weren't, you wouldn't be putting yourself in the situation. Everyone is saying the same thing in answer to your question.
yea I was about to ask the same question too LOL
perhaps a sex therapist too?
their sexy time … its sounds so fattening to me LOL
Is your husband in the room when you play with others? Maybe if he could see how much fun you have, he would enjoy it more?
Nah, you destroyed your relationship with your daughter. Zero regard for her feelings. Why didn't you give up YOUR room for YOUR sister? Why does your daughter have to get rid of her car for YOUR sister and HER kids? You have some apologizing to do if you ever want to repair that relationship.
Dude – she sucks. You know the answer already. Yes it sucks about the kid but you know what’s worse? Having parent/step parents who have a shit relationship
I’m not desperate at all. In fact, I just met a nice Nigerian prince who is giving me all his money. I sent him my bank details earlier today when he asked for them so he could transfer over his multi million dollar fortune
And another open relationship bites the dust. Shocker. Wish you would add that at the top. That’s almost always the problem!
You should probably understand the statistics you are discussing before you mansplain away, as evidenced by the excellent reply below.
Then how would you know that spouses are invited to things afterwards? Or are you just assuming? Spouses may not be invited and many won’t have them there since they’re traveling from around the world. If you’ve always gone to her other events then it sounds like it’s just a worker only thing. I’ve had numerous work events/parties and the festivities run by the company and everything after is typically worker only. I don’t know if anyone who invites their spouse along to things after the work parties. People just extend the night and hang out.
As for the vibe thing I’m talking about how you’re not comfortable with her staying in a hotel for the night. If she invited you along it would probably feel like having a chaperone because you don’t “approve” of her staying there by herself.
Sounds like you’re not ready for a relationship,some stuff you need to deal with first
As soon as I read the hand on your knee bit, I immediately knew he was a creep, and it just got worse from there
So? Maybe she wants a night to herself. That she would not do the same thing you would is not an immediate red flag. I would also not invite you after you got weird about a coworker that she has barely spent time with in the year she’s been at this company.
Thanks for your reply, this really gives a perspective.
First I’ll dive into where he is wrong: He is wrong for lying to you and keeping it a secret. He really shouldn’t be surprised that you don’t take that well. Also if he doesn’t agree that the boundary is reasonable he shouldn’t have agreed to keep it. That’s just wrong to go behind your back.
That being said, I think your boundary is a bit unreasonable. He doesn’t only befriend women at work but also men so I think it’s reasonable to assume that he is just being friendly with no other motives. He has never done anything with his female friends (correct me if I’m wrong). Do they know about you? It seems so. Especially since he invited them to the party where you will be present. He is right that he probably can’t really uninvite them due to work politics. I also sounds like because one (!!!) woman was once rude to you, you don’t trust any of them. And by extension you don’t trust him. Even if all female colleagues were into him (which I doubt) then it’s still his choice what to do about it.
Imagine it this way: what if a male colleague was gay – could your bf then not be friends with him? Because he might be into your bf. Or if your bf was bi – would he not be allowed to have any friends?
That being said, you need to talk with him. He can’t go around and keep things secret from you. You can’t trust him like this, he needs to understand that. You need to work on your insecurity and jealousy but that only works if he is open with you. Both of you maneuvered your relationship to the current state, it’ll take concessions from both if you to get out of there.
He didn't just break up with you, he infantilized and humiliated you. You'd be an absolute doormat to ever speak to this controlling freak again. Next time you get a penpal don't be so fast to move in with them. Real relationships take time.
She'd just say, “That's different, it's a girl. You shouldn't sleep with girls.”
Lonely? Not really. Codependent, maybe now that I’ve been in this relationship for this amount of time and now he’s being like this. I don’t choose to be codependent, it happens and when it does you work yourself out of situations like this. Which I’m trying.
You should apologize and not even expect a response.
Yes, been there. I was married for 18months, fairly successful and I knew my parents attitude. I waited until I was about 23 weeks (tall, not showing a lot with first) it was their birthday and they love oysters. I dished out the oysters .. ahh there is not enough for me.. oh that’s ok, the doctor said I shouldn’t eat them anyway. “What now?” Said my parents… I am expecting a baby! “Do you really want a baby at this point in you life?” “ how are the oysters? I will enjoy them soon..happy birthday.. we are off now.. Push on with your own journey and prep your husband for their freak show.. that means a nanny and your funds.. enjoy the journey. Mine was hell as my husband died unexpectedly when my son was 5 months old
He chose to go with you, he chose where to stand and could have moved, he has a responsibility to his health. He was very abusive to you and leaving was the right thing to do, you weren't selfish and not wanting to do things he likes because your scared also isn't selfish.
Your boyfriend sounds like a jerk and yoy shouldn't put up with him and how he treats you
They're not going to be on this same antidepressant forever and even if they were and we never had sex again, I'd be so happy that I get to share my life with the most amazing person I've ever known.
So why are you here then?
Put everything into living up to her. Be the most amazing partner you can be. Be the most decent person you can be. Always choose the path that the best version of you would choose.
Those that don’t show up do simple math. The consequences are not high enough to care.
It’s pure selfishness unless they can’t.
It’s a fun statement to pretend they couldn’t show up for their lives on the line but, it would change their motivation. They would make it fine then.
Then this should be in your post.
He's made his stance known and you've said it's a deal breaker to expect him to not be friends with your BFF.
Follow through on that promise. You don't need to know the reasons WHY he's being an ass to end it.
By itself, this is a good reasonable and healthy boundary. I think the only time it isn't appropriate is if there is previous infidelity, and reduced privacy was part of the required compromise.
If they haven't given you a reason not to trust them, this isn't a red flag its a healthy boundary.
Do you really want to be with a person as nasty as that woman.
I’m sure there are sassy and spicy women out there won’t bicker and nag you all day. I have an attitude too but when it comes to my boyfriend I’m treating him THE BEST, because I see him as (sort of) an extension of myself.
This is the only sane, adult answer here. Reddit is filled with kids who think that being in a relationship means you need to be able to support people through everything and everything. Otherwise, you're a prick.
Even with the edit and comment from OP, we just don't know. I had a bulimic best friend in my 20s, and it was a roller coaster for a 20 something me to deal with. I was in no way equipped to deal with the seriousness of the illness. Progress isn't linear, and we are going off the assumption OP just started therapy, had a few months of progress in a straight upwards fasion, and then just recovered. The reality likely is that OP lied (normal), fell back into bad habits (normal), and still struggled with body issues (also normal). On top of that, his ex is too young and inexperienced to fully grasp the seriousness.
You can love someone really fucking hard and want them to be better. It doesn't mean you can weather any storm. Not even when people are seemingly getting better, because you know they can fall back into the disease again.
OP can set boundaries but he needs to be really open minded and aware of how his illness affects others, and understanding as to the fact that they will react in ways that might not always be in 100% support of him, 100% of the time. All his romantic relationships going forward will likely need the additional support of a therapist at some point. There is no shame in it. Life most certainly isn't black and white enough to call shame upon people who can't deal with serious (mental) illness in their loved ones.
Yep need to end it no excuses he does not love you.
Of course your feelings are valid! It just pains me to see women literally put themselves in danger for the sake of being “nice” or “polite”. And sometimes some tough love is the best way for a wake up call.
But here’s the best advice I can actually give you: read the book Boundary Boss by Terry Cole. It’s written exactly for these situations and can speak from personal experience that it’s a must read.
Best luck to you and please prioritize your amazing self over social expectations.
Chalk it up to experience and move on.
Try to use the lessons from this relationship by being better in your next relationship.
This girl is not available any longer. Trying to win her back will just land you in the middle of someone else's drama.
“She started paying more attention to her look, go to the gym more often, “, “sex declined steadily, to maybe 2-3 times a month. ” “she often mentions a coworker who is sitting close to her. She tells me what interesting things or stories he said, that they talk about different things”
All the hallmarks of an affair…. Sorry, but it's time to have an intervention and tell your wife that she's treading on thin ice and may find herself falling through and out the door
Propose to him.
You’re defending this woman more than your wife ???? sorry OP, you said your wife isn’t good in social situations, and you let the neighbour rant about your wife for hours and not once did you step in to defend her. Your wife deserves better. More worried about a friendship (hope that’s all it was) than your wife ??
Has he seen a neurologist? Some of what you describe makes me think early stages of dementia or Alzheimer’s.
Dude if you have a child with her she’s probably gonna abuse it
It sounds like he had, or has, a slight crush on you and didn’t feel like it was reciprocated. He might be pulling back a bit. Just play it cool, I wouldn’t worry so much rn. You guys only met twice so I doubt anything major happened that bothered him.
It sounds like he had, or has, a slight crush on you and didn’t feel like it was reciprocated. He might be pulling back a bit. Just play it cool, I wouldn’t worry so much rn. You guys only met twice so I doubt anything major happened that bothered him.