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Your feelings are very normal. However, she has stated she is asexual. You can’t change that about someone, so you unfortunately have to decide if you want to continue this way, or find someone who better meets your needs. My advice would be to leave. You both have different needs, and aren’t compatible in a very important aspect of relationships. You won’t be happy withholding, and she won’t be happy giving out. There’s no perfect solution here.
I’m sorry but mental illness is not ever an excuse for verbal, emotional, or physical abuse. If you’re murdered by someone and they have a mental illness such as hoarding or OCD or ADD, then they are innocent because of their mental illness? The MIL does not have dementia or psychosis or a lot schizophrenic tendencies. How do I make this assumption, she verbal attacked the kids in secret and when discovered she hid it. She also has great memory (giving her card). She also was assumably “scolded” by her son which is why she reacted negatively to her DIL and left the room. That’s her knowing right from wrong. Stop excusing her behavior.
I tend to be a skeptical/untrusting person, so when I read this:
He had told me he got someone pregnant in the past and didnt act right and felt guilty about it.
I immediately thought “damage control” when I read that, and then the next paragraph starts with:
I found out recently from a third party that…
I think he had a pretty good idea that you were gonna hear about this through the grapevine, then said whatever to make himself look less bad when you hear about it later. Including making her seem “irrational”.