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It is not your responsibility to save this man from himself. His behaviour and actions and how he is going to take care of his mental health are his to own. You do however need to keep yourself safe and your nervous system and your dog seem to be trying to tell you how off this situation is.
Dating for 5 months and already married ?
People hook up without having it meaning anything, just for pleasure. Nothing wrong with it + its completely irrelevant to the situation because this is not the problem you have with her sleeping with other people before you.
You are jealous and angry she got to experience something you didn't get to experience, given the opportunity you would have done the same. Being angry at her for it makes absolutely no sense and if you were a well adjusted person you would see that.
Your first time not being “special” also has nothing to do with your wife having had other partners. Would the only option of your first time be special if you slept with a virgin? that also means that if you divorce and find the virgin you are looking for that her first time will never be special since you've been with someone else, the whole premise doesn't make sense. What makes it special is the person that you are with not the number of times either one of you had sex.
I'm not being naked on you just to be hard on you, but you need help, you are not mature enough for a relationship, definitely not mature enough for marriage. YOU need therapy, YOU need to become better for yourself, for your current wife / or future partners you may have.
I would facetime or something.
“Hey I really wanted to do this in person but I also don't want to drag this out longer than necessary. I don't want kids and I can't give you that so it's for the best we break up. Good luck I know you'll find someone who will be a great father for your children and a great husband for you.”
Tell your parents he sings an “our father” before he eats you out to show respect for your religion
Leave,before the violence escalates from the TV to you
I’d look him directly in the eye and say “I wasn’t, but please explain to me why you think I don’t have the right to touch my own body in any way I see fit.”
Then when he undoubtedly tries to turn it around on you, because he will, dump him.
Pastor abusing position. He will fall . What she is doing can ruin a church . She should understand this.
Never make it a big deal. If you’re going to say hello, just say “Hi, great to see you.” Leave it at that. No explanation or conversation necessary.
Wow, he put so much effort and thought in basing of something he knew you cherished. Poor guy can’t win.
For what it’s worth, my wife picked out her ring. Plus side, she got exactly what she wanted. Negative, says one of her biggest regrets was no surprise proposal. In that I don’t mean just hand it over, but she knew it was coming so didn’t get that moment.
I totally see your point. The thing is we talked about it on our first or second date and he said he would do it in college and agreed it is too much to always be high so I’m just confused if he’s always been lying or if it’s new. I’ll talk to him though to find out more, just not sure how to even bring it up I guess
Me too, or I will have two glasses of wine I slowly sip away at. Takes me an hour just to get through them. Once done I switch to ginger ale.
Theoretically it could have been meth or PCP or something, but those aren't normal to spike a drink with.
You sound like you're the perfect guy for someone even if you do sound intense.
So here's what I think is the problem. You fall in love really intensley and for that to even go forward, you have to find womon who “fall for” that sort of thing. Like, maybe you and I would make great partners (I am NOT intense), but we'd never know because I'd run away from someone tying my shoe early on.
There is no way to tell if someone is going to last. Problems usually appear after limerence, which is a trick nature plays on us.
This is why so much conventional wisdom is to “go slow”. It's a (non-surefire) way to see of you can find incompatibilities before you fall in love and just let them cross boundaries or vice versa.
If you can see any patterns for when things have gone wrong, make a new promise to yourself that until signs of those things pop up, you haven't made huge leaps in the relationship. Like, don't move in together until you've had your first fight. Don't say I love you for at least three months. Whatever it is for you.
Also, don't think of yourself as “the problem”. 3 years i consider a “successful” relationship! Three years you had someone by your side. You just haven't found your person by 30, that's nooooormal.
No, that’s not normal. I’m sorry. ?
They’re actually now done from a maternal blood sample from 10 weeks gestation
Actually it's now the couples problem. There is no his or her problem if It effects the relationship. Sure she can keep it and be happy. She has every right to. But you can't just say it's a him problem, because it now effects them both. I'm guessing you believe he should just deal with it. So if he ends their marriage over it is fine because it's a him problem? I've been with my wife 40 years and if we attacked issues like that we wouldn't of made it 5 years. If something I do or am thinking I want to do effects my wife negatively, you can be sure we will talk it out and come to a mutual agreement. I see this on Reddit so much. It's always him or her, never an us.
Told me she loved me and she was sorry
Like that makes it all good, right? Just going to repeat what I've said before, a DNA test is a must do.
?it was just energy work. I haven’t heard that one yet
I see what you’re saying but I think that’s one interpretation. My interpretation is that they chose to move in together, and the custody situation changes. I would probably also cry if my SO of 4 years suggested I move out. Not every display of emotion is emotional manipulation.
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Can someone translate this whole “talking phase thing”? I’m not that old, but I’ve been out of the dating game for a decade or so and I honestly don’t understand. I get “dating” and “exclusive” or even “friends with benefits” but what the heck does “talking” mean?
You sound like a bandage rather than a partner. Sorry but you’ve got to be insane to chose this relationship. Just because you both want the same ideals, which btw are the same ideals as almost everyone in the world, doesn’t mean you just skip to that point.
Everything is possible…she can have a nurse come to the house to give vaccination. My mother had her passport done without leaving the house…but that's in the United States. I think she's been in the house so long she's afraid now. Maybe she can go to the backyard or take a short walk. There's groups for that on reddit
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My partner basically has ptsd from his ex girlfriend making him his whole world, no friends of her own, stuck to him, and they weren't even living together.
It's not just bad for him, having all your eggs in one basket and nowhere to go when things go wrong can be very scary.
Yeah wonder how the OW, who happens to be Jill's best friend, got to know OP's bf personally….
I don’t know any fairytales at all. Marriage takes work, both must want to be in the marriage and actively work to nourish the relationship.
A text message sent 10 years ago would definitely hurt me, but if things are going so well, I “felt loved” and my “marriage was like a fairy tale” I would guess that the 10 year old text doesn’t mean anything now.
That’s how I see it, I wouldn’t expect that anyone sees it the same way that I do and OP has a decision to make. I would decide to put it in the past
You are enabling her. Time to set borders
I mean if she can't respect you as her equal partner I'd let her go too.
Setting boundaries in a relationship is for the couple to decide, one doesn't get to say “this is a boundary” and the other than has no choice in the matter.
Stop it right there…. this whole relationship is shit. Divorce sounds like a good plan tbh
I think you know that you're not overreacting, but you want to hear others say it. This guys is a classic player. He plays with girl's attentions and emotions, keeps one or more on the hook as his gf, but enjoys running around with others with the gf(s) aren't looking. You know you deserve better.
The only advice I think you need is if you should break it off with him sooner or later. Personally, I'd say take down this post and go do it now. Be done with this guy and get back to living a life where you can be happy and not cry so much. Any relationship that makes you feel this way is not worth the heartache.
I assumed I’d come here to focus on hormones, but while that could certainly be in play, that she’s still in the mood suggests that there might be something bigger.
You can’t just let her brush it off. You need to insist on a real conversation and if it doesn’t happen, then you should consider couple’s counseling.
Sexual compatibility is important in a healthy relationship. It might be just one piece of a much larger puzzle, but it’s a piece nonetheless. Again, her pregnancy and what comes with it can’t be ignored, and like anything else, if she’s truly not in the mood then she’s not in the mood. It’s obviously not something you can force.
But that also doesn’t change the fact that you exist and have needs. To be clear, I’m not even making some “men have needs” stereotype of a statement. I think that statement is nonsense if for no other reason than women enjoy sex too, and your wife proves as much.
Your “needs” are the needs you have as a partner that you learn through dating whether or not align with your partner to assess compatibility. We assume you had a good sex life, or at least one you were satisfied with (if that’s not the case then that changes things so you’ll have to confirm).
Now, you’re unhappy with it. All we currently know is it changed after pregnancy. So talk talk talk and then talk some more. Good luck.
If he is your boyfriend, you break up. Because it will continue to harm your self-esteem because he’s not treating you with respect or even respecting boundaries. If he’s your husband, you have a bigger problem.
No cuz why is he being so extra ?
I have to work a deal with my sister to only see him twice a week at my place.
Uh. What?
What's going to be next? You left the condom inside of her and you guys spent 2 hours fishing it out????
Your gf HAS NO CONCEPT OF BOUNDARIES.
SOMETHING YOU WILL SHARE IN CONFIDENCE WILL BE SHARED TO EVERYONE SHE TALKS TO.
AND I HATE CROCODILE ? TEARS. F$CKING MANIPULATIVE.
Advice???? BREAK IT OFF.
What a mess of a relationship
Yes I got from the first post that you're done with your dad and you won't put up with him but you're not done with your family and you want them in your life. The sad part is your dad knows this, he knows that he himself is nothing to you and he can't threaten himself not going as it's not going to affect you BUT the rest of the family he used them knowing that it was going to hurt you. So this is the sad part about it is your dad can manipulate the rest of the family and if you don't want to be a doormat to him, then you can't let him manipulate you through them and you can't let your family let him do that to you. You need to make it crystal clear to them that they will be cut off as well if they're fine being played as pawns in your father's game of power.
But SHE’S OLDER, that was a problem for him. Somehow emasculating, something something toxic masculinity something needs to feel superior I dunno
Unrelated but what country is your mom from?
This is normal and to be expected from friends and family in my community. It wasnt until very many years later I realize how abnormal it is
the “playing at a lower level” idea makes a lot of sense actually.
Breaking up with a long-term partner of 4 years because you want to dance with random guys at clubs is a very shallow reason to leave someone. But if you were too young when you settled down or don't actually enjoy being in this relationship that much, then you're not going to get much happier as time goes by. You need to decide what you want to do in your life.
It is interesting for sure.
First…I hope he’s paying you rent and half of the utilities and food? If he’s living there for free, then he totally played you.
Second… can he sleep in a separate bedroom while you guys work on things? The living together can always bring about stress and such, but sleeping in separate rooms and having sound ground rules you both agree on could be helpful for you both to feel calm and then slowly work on your feelings and relationship.
Worst case scenario, if things don’t work out, get it in writing that he’ll have one month (or maybe 2) to find a new place to live. Or just draw up a lease and make him pay rent if he has his own bedroom. You guys can end up being platonic like him and his ex.
But just be careful. I mean this whole situation kind of sounds like he played you to have a place to online. I really hope he’s paying his share of rent and utilities.
It sounds like you need time and space to focus on your own healing journey.
When you feel good about yourself then you can see if he has moved on from the ex properly and see if the connection is still there. However, do not wait for him or anyone else.
Yes it totally is her business… She is in a relationship with him and they are trying to build a life together. OP you need to give him an ultimatum and break up if he continues to do this. This is not normal and entirely inappropriate.
As a woman who likes being taken care of, she is taking advantage of you. When my husband and I first started dating he paid every time because he wanted to and financially it wouldn't matter compared to me taking a hit. Eventually the imbalance makes you uncomfortable when you care about the person.
My dating rule has always been, if I ask you on a date I pay but if you ask me on a date you pay. Try this with her, if she doesn't agree reconsider this relationship.
At the end of the day, you're free to make your own decisions.
Just be prepared for consequences that could impact your relationship. If it is potentially worth the cost of your relationship, that is your choice.
I personally wouldn't be fond of it myself, for the same reasons why I wouldn't be on board with my GF starting OF, or becoming a stripper. Its a sexual dance put on display for other people… Guys don't want their girl exposed to other men.
He doesn't want a partner, he wants a bangmaid.
Did you bother reading the post at all or…?
Absolutely mention it
Brutal truth…it's not that he forgets, he doesn't care enough to remember.
Can you trust him again?
He ignored you begging for him to stop. He caused you physical pain and didn't care.
This is the exact opposite of how my husband handled it. He asked frequently, went slowly and we prepared for ages before trying it … like a healthy couple.
Is this what you want for your future or what he did to you?
now she is playing another game called secondlife with her live brother (not actual).
Stopped reading there.
You're 27. You're going to hit 30. And then 40. And throughout that time, your partner will have virtual siblings.
That's no way to online life, dude.
140k is a pretty good salary. Most people will never make anywhere near ~400k.
Also, not that it’s your decision, but I would be concerned about value fit if my partner made 400k annually and chose to let 200k debt ride instead of paying down aggressively.
Should be able to clear that out in a few years with that kind of income, but at this rate that debt will follow y’all into marriage. Crazy
What would your advice be if she ever asks to see me again?
Seven years is not enough. My father was sober for twenty years before he relapsed. I will never trust him again.
Your ex may never trust you again. That is the harsh reality you have to accept.
Thank you for your reply. How would we go about addressing her anxiety?
I don't think you understand. Or read my reasoning, which includes a lack of time together and compatible schedules. I also don't care if he chooses to respond via text. He hasn't chosen any method. This was just a message to start it
My answer is I don’t think 1 month in is too soon to bring this up because it’s obviously important to you and there’s no sense waiting until 6 months in to bring it up. It’s a dealbreaker. Bringing it up on the 1st date even wouldn’t be wrong.
I just also think you need to have a separate conversation with her about whether or not you’re exclusive. The fact that you’re not sure and haven’t brought it up gives me vibes that you’re unsure about her. That’s why I think you need to do some soul searching, decide if a serious relationship with her is something you want and go from there.
Both of you are wrong. You for being too insecure over likes and her for being insecure about other women.
I hope so- I don’t want her to break up with her other partners or anything but at the same time…I kinda want to be in a Monogamous at the same time.
I know I need to given the fact I schizophrenia has been really damn recently as well- and I know this is just making it so much worse
She is not in a mental place to be in a relationship, and you are not a psychologist. She desperately needs professional help, and you can't be her only source of emotional support. You are going to burn out and end up being angry with her and with yourself.
I know it sounds impossible to extricate yourself from her dependency on you but it's truly an unhealthy situation. Insist that she find other support. Would her parents be helpful? Does she have other friends or family? If you are in college, there is probably a mental health counseling center on campus.
Don't keep carrying this burden alone, OP. Sending you hugs.
She's my property. I right her off on my taxes. She's mine. the fuck you mean lol
It’s also extremely expensive probably no matter where you are in the world. Do not bet on him getting this surgery to proceed. To be honest I think if you don’t love him enough to want to work out how to enjoy sex together no matter what genitals he has and you really need a penis I think you should just break up.
How do you think ex views you?
⬆️⬆️⬆️ this!!! Also, wtf was he doing out till 11 am???? Girl, it’s time to ?♀️.
It was a meningioma wrapped around the optic nerves and artery, they couldn't remove all of it as it was a tricky procedure anyway, they needed to operate as it impaired her vision in her left eye. There's around 20% left and she's on watch and wait now to see how rapid the growth is. All through the process we really came together and worked through it as a family and this is what makes it hurt more. If I'm really honest maybe this experience made her realise this isn't what she wants but is trying to force me to be the one to leave idk
This is what I was thinking too. While he seems happy, she does not. Given that sensitivity to feelings of abandonment and rejection, intense emotions, and impulsive behaviour are common BPD traits, the chances of her not being in the right headspace for this kind of relationship seem high to me.
YOU aren't the one who is going to “make this work”.
What work is HE doing with his medical team (including a therapist) with regards to his “unmedicated bipolar disorder” and his choice of behaviours when he “does something that hurts my feelings or makes me cry he basically goes into a mini-depressive self-deprecating episode”?
What would happen if you didn't “comfort him”, “Telling him that he is still a good boyfriend and person, and even apologizing myself” when he feels guilty and sad about what he has done?
He didn't do it to intimidate her though. It was essentially part of his sentence.
Don't waste your 20s on this dickhead please.
There is another possibility: fibromyalgia. Pressure is registered as pain. If you often feel tender to the touch, like how most people feel at a bruised location, the it could be this or some other medical issue.
If it's not that, then yes, I agree with everyone else, he is a sadist and is bullying you and you need to run before it gets worse.
Well, the only thing i can think of is to actually give him that space. When/if he comes back you can discuss about solving attachment issues, therapy… But it's pain in the arse just hanging and waiting and pretending that relationship doesn't exist
She is using him, he is falling for it and enabling. He needs to stop and she needs rehab and you will need to draw a line and keep it.
You can also end things with him. He's not ready for any woman.
You got together at 15. He is now controlling you. This is a high school crush that should be terminated right now. You will find a grown-up soon enough.
yeah well they sound actually fun to play with
OP says they live 30 minutes away from where the party is. If they online at that distance, it’s not out of the ordinary that one's spouse would want them to come back. What's fishy about this is not that OP's wife is going to a work party, but that when OP said he didn’t want her to stay there, she became very defensive. If your spouse become very defensive when you tell them that you don't want them to stay over at night at a office party that's 30 minutes away and they become very defensive, it’s natural that your alarm bells will start to go off.
There’s two problems here.
1.) You don’t fully trust your Wife. Own up to that and it may help you to resolve this. Maybe there are reasons.
2.) Spouses aren’t invited to the party or the hotel. That’s just weird and not a good company policy, nor is it creating a strong culture.
I manage high up in a huge company, I’ve managed in many others and go to parties at lots of vendor and customer events.
Probably 1-2x a month I am at an event.
A hotel offer is a common thing if there will be open bar and the distance to home is high. It’s probably cheaper than the surge Uber or Lyft will give you once the requests start flying in.
For sure, it’s better for building morale and showing employee appreciation.
All that said…. Not once, have I ran into a company that doesn’t invite spouses to the party, forget that it isn’t encouraged to have your spouse stay in the hotel (even if you pay any difference).
That is honestly a fishy aspect of this and could warrant you having alarm bells going off.
All that said though, this comes back to the fact that you don’t fully trust her.
You can't deny him his friendship. But if he is stepping over the boundaries over and over again, he has decide with whom he wants to be with. His friend or you.
Get your job back as soon as possible and leave him. Your baby is not going to change him for the better. He cheated on you in the past, he’s cheating on you now and he will 100% cheat on you again in the future. He most likely made you quit your job so you’ll be dependent on him. Once you’re dependent on him it makes him feel like he can do whatever he wants since you don’t have the funds to leave. You gave him a second chance and a child just for him to mess it up again. He does not love you the way you deserve to be loved.
Your friend sucks and isn’t a friend. But also I did not know knee injuries could be so bad. Wow.
Yeah I don’t believe he plays with his penis for a while then stops
I also don't believe that he just blamed it all on OP “accidentally”. (All what anyway? Doesn't sound like he has any valid complaint since according to OP he climaxes regardless of how “loose” he claims she is. He sounds like a total jerk to her.)
I know that when a person is super nervous and wrapped up in their own head that reaching orgasm can be a challenge… Man and woman alike.. If you are not able to orgasm AT ALL (even when on your own with no stress) then you might need to go talk to a doctor…
If your solo time isn't having any problems, and it's only when you are with her, stop stressing about sex, and focus just on touching and enjoying each other… Take the stress of not hurting her and you stressing about your orgasm out of the picture.. and just enjoy the time together… there are so many things you can do with a partner that are not PIV sex, and by focusing on those, and shifting what you are prioritizing, you might get over the mental block you're having.
It… genuinely has a negative impact on his life. He lost a job, he's completely absent because he smoked it so much, he doesn't have self control, addiction runs in the family. These are things HE TOLD ME. I didn't come to the conclusion on my own. Hell, I smoke too. I don't care about weed, but he's the one who came to me to tell me that he had a problem. He's the one who decided to quit on his own. I just want to be fucking supportive. So yeah, so sorry you think I'm being an uptight bitch because I'm doing what he asked me to do.
what the fuck is wrong with you? get help. this is straight up controlling and manipulative, you piece of stinking shit
I’d prioritize marriage counseling. I know you said you can’t afford it but I have to believe you could cut costs somewhere to afford it if it was important enough to both of you. Hell, one or both of you could pick up some gig work on the weekend just to make “therapy money”. Pet sitting, dog walking, helping someone move, doing yard work—you can find opportunities on Craigs List etc and such.
I think it makes sense to approach with an agenda so it’s not a big surprise but if her default is to deflect and defend, she may just spend whatever heads up time she has to formulate her defense.
I’d be more inclined to keep it short and use the “when you, I feel, because…moving forward”’formula.
You didn’t give a specific example so for the sake of demonstration, let’s pretend the issue is that your wife has a habit of making plans for your time without talking to you first. Like, she volunteers you to help friends move or agrees to dinner plans after work without asking you.
Then you might say “babe, I love you and want us to be happy. When you book my time without my consent, I feel frustrated because I feel overschedueld and like my free time isn’t my own. Moving forward, if a plan is going to involve me, I need you to consult with me first. Assume I’m not available or interested unless I specifically opt in.”
Basically you highlight the behavior, talk about how it makes you feel, and then ask for what you want. Then you’re taking ownership. There’s nothing to defend. You’re not saying she “makes you” feel bad or that what she’s doing is wrong per se, just that the action makes you feel a certain way and you’d prefer a different action.
My only statement to a situation like this. No way in hell. Period.
Yes, that has been what is pushing me. Do I want to raise kids with who he is now.. and the answer is no.
Your dad is behaving like a real jerk and given the long track record that is being revealed of him throwing away your posessions it suggests that he doesn't respect you as an invidual at all.
Do you think your dad actually wanted 4 kids and the marriage?
Because there are a lot of people out there who end up feeling stuck in relationships and having kids either because they just happen or because they feel pressured to (out of tradition, by social norms or the other partner). A lot of these types of people will go through the motions of being a good parent and keeping up appearances but when it comes down to it, are never emotionally available (and every now & then the surface cracks to show signs of them not actually giving a damn in general). My partner had to deal with coming to this realisation with their father and it has been a tough journey for them, they ended up becoming completely estranged from their dad,
My advice for you in the time being is to actually just go and take anything that's left in that house that used to belong to your gran and has any sentimental value to you because one that's pretty much guaranteed at this point is that sooner or later, your dad's gonna chuck it out.