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Tell them you take the sterile cats and move out. Why are you already living together, you barely knew him.
“but til he was about 2 he would”
????
To be fair, 4 really isnt that many for a 32 year old. Couldve easily been 10+
Thats not from lack of sex though, that can actually be a health concern or sign of infection
INFO: Has your current gf asked about your sexual history?
I think some people are interested in the past and some aren't. If she IS a person who is interested, you know it will be relevant info. If she says “what's in the past is in the past,” then I dunno that it's that important. I'd say you know her better than we.
I'm glad you're showering him with genuine compliments. My boyfriend also has self esteem issues for similar reasons, so I'm going to advise what has worked in our relationship. Keep showing him with genuine compliments, keep expressing how attracted you are to them, just make sure you don't do this too frequently as it can come off as disingenuous and patronizing. When we go out on dates, I let him know how handsome he is. However, there's only so much I can give him. He needs to learn how to love himself. My boyfriend and I sometimes do spa days (well do hair treatments and face masks), and I encourage him to go work out for his own self esteem. Maybe this is something you guys can do together too.
The kid has nothing to do with your family problems. Don’t hurt another child the way your brother hurt his own daughter. Be a reflection of the kind of person you are by including this kid for Christmas and spoiling him like you do everyone else. Don’t stoop to your brothers level.
And hopefully you can talk to your niece and explain to her that what her dad did is a terrible thing, but just because her brother is the product of those actions, doesn’t mean the mistakes of his parents are also his to bear.
So sorry you are going through this. You deserve far better than being with a man who's heart belongs to some one else. What a jerk he is.
Back in the day, she’d be called a Strawberry. Now I hear it’s Chemsex. Either way, it’s no way to build any kind of relationship.
It's very tough position you're in, however I think you need to understand that he is not saying it take you feel bad or guilty that's his honest feelings which are totally understandable. Being gone from your spouse for so frequently in a year is a lot let alone your child. I just feel like if roles were reversed I wouldn't say things he says that makes me feel guilty, I would want to be as supportive as I could. I've told him multiple times when he says these things it makes me feel bad and I'm sorry things are this way. Truth is we can all say that but with situations like this we never truly know and it's not like he hasn't been understanding it's been going for over a year and it's looking like it's gonna on for more than year. He isn't losing weight because you don't make enough food, it's mental stress. I think he might feel disconnected from both you and your daughter, you said you take care of her the most even when you're at home, that might be because he feels disconnected. It can be tough bonding when you're spending so much time away from them and to be honest I would be very sad of the amount of moments I would miss with my child, there is so much happening in the first few years and he has missed at least a 1/4 of her life
Nuance? What nuance. Anime is drawn and doesnt resemble any real people. If a person looks at anime and suddenly supports incest and objectifies women its the individuals fault not the media. If you think an anime girl looks real then uh well idk what to say honestly ?
It’s okay to be blunt lol. As I said, I don’t really feel anything for him now but I’m interested in getting to know him more if it happens because of how long it’s been so far
Keep focusing on yourself. Attain your goals and more. Heal. The love life stuff will take care of itself when you're ready.
You are really too trusting. $100 says she told a half truth. Red flags. I’d do a lot of questioning.
It's not controlling if you want to know where someone in YOUR car is. If he wants to be Mr. Independent, he should be able to handle buying and using his own car.
Don’t do it subtly.
Have a serious and calm conversation about this.
Do not overreact and remain calm regardless of what she says- listen to her always and respond after taking some time to think about it.
Bring up the fairness issues and how she only considers her family and not yours and see what she says to that.
If she doesn’t listen to you then state it again and say that she is not listening.
If this is a dealbreaker for you and she either ends up not listening or not changing then you may have to leave her tough as it is.
I'm Not sure who owns the trailer, but you should tell them, 'You need to get a job and start paying your share, or else you'll have to leave/I'll leave'
Yes you should tell them to get a job, but don't make it your own job to make them get one
As a 26 y/o married person, here's a nugget of wisdom I've garnered which I'll pass to you- You should never have to teach your partner how to be an adult. That means, don't waste time or energy trying to talk a romantic partner into doing basic adult things they should already do themselves, such as getting a job, doing chores, personal hygiene etc. There may be exceptions such as if they're going through a hot time, or if it's just a minor thing like a one-off demonstration of a better way to stack the dishwasher…that's different. What I mean is, don't fall into the trap of training them to adult by having to repeatedly remind them of basic duties, or do basic things for them. If they need you to tell them how to adult (Such as getting a job and paying bills) then they're not yet mature enough for a relationship
In this case, that means you should only have to tell them once that they need to get a job contribute financially. Helping them out a little while they're job hunting is fine, but if they don't straight away show that they're making genuine effort, they're not relationship ready
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Honey.. just break up. This is such a shitty situation for you from so many povs.
Just say that you have used the money. You are telling the truth.
We’ll be prepared for the verdict. If he is guilty and convicted or guilty but gets off on a technicality then do not contact him.
My cousin once looked the other way when he found a coworker downloading CP once. Well, he told the guy never do do it in his presence ever again and threatened to call the police. However my cousin didn’t call the police out of a misplaced sense of loyalty to someone he had worked with for many years
Big mistake. Anyone who would look at CP is an all round shitty human being. The pedophile eventually tried to get my cousin fired by sabotaging equipment and maligned him to other staff. That’s how shitty humans pay back loyalty.
My cousin did eventually report the guy but it was so long after the fact that it wasn’t investigated So the moral of the story is steer clear of people who have no morals.
Very wise response. Thank you.
I'm so sorry. From the bottom of my heart. I've been there, and no matter what you choose, it'll be hot. Stay and try? You'll be haunted by the image. Leave? You'll always wonder if you did the right thing. There's no excuse good enough to betray the person who should be safest with you. No reason to completely shatter that person's ability to trust in others, let alone themselves. Take all the time you need, and don't let anyone push their opinion on you. You need to do what's best for your mental health and peace of mind. I wish you well. Not all people are like this.
Shut the fuck up. Having your friend not cuddle your exes is a simple ask. A true friend wouldn’t cross that boundary
Not even read the whole text but leave
Absolutely not.
As long as there are AHs in this world, OPs post is indicative, women have a need to know this.
The fact you are a nice, decent person does not stop you becoming a victim, in fact you could argue it makes you more likely to be one. It’s not your fault but, it is what it is. People will turn against you for whatever reason they think they have. Until attitudes change, if they ever do, Look after yourself, Put your safety first.
Revenge porners should be locked up until the message gets out there that they will be. Until then………………..
It sounds like he's trying to train you to never bring up concerns or express any negative feelings.
Your issues are valid, but he will do pretty much anything to avoid addressing them. This is a shocking lack of care from a SO, especially one you've been with for so long. And you can't convince someone that you're worthy of basic respect.
Coaxing you into having sex (without a condom when having sex with a condom is a health requirement for you) is coercion. Coerced consent is not consent. This is sexual abuse.
If he refuses to prioritise your comfort health, then why are you having sex with him? Why are you still speaking to him?
You don’t need a condom brand; you need a boyfriend-shaped hole in your life. Yeet him stat.
You're not wrong about the prenup and marriages always work best when both parties are earning a similar amount. But talk to a lawyer about the situation. Depending on where you online it might put you at risk to marry her at all with all the debt she holds. You wouldn't be the only person to tell a potential marital partner that you won't marry them until they're debt free.
Hmm sorry my bad.
I am kinda a goldfish memory guy, and there are times that I wasn't paying attention to certain things that she says, but she gets mad at me for forgetting the things she said.
For instance, she mentioned to me that she is having dinner at certain places however I got mixed up with her other dinner plans, and she was pissed at me for forgetting where she is having her dinner plan..
I admit that I am at fault for not paying attention at certain times when she is telling me about stuff. Any advice ?
Cooking should be something both of you should do. Assuming you like cooking for both but you rather let your partner starve because of argument is bad.
I would break up with you there and then. I just can’t trust a women that would let me starve because she is upset. Food is a primary need, unlike your ego.
Cook and eat alone, if you don’t feel like sitting together. Also communicate, 27 isn’t young.
DTMFA you deserve better.
Cheaters have a way of lying about this sort of thing. It's part of how they justify their actions to other people.
Take OP's story with a big bag of salt.
Well then maybe this just isn’t about age but character traits, maybe let’s focus on the issue and not conflate it with things that are irrelevant?
Well she has to start listening; this is who he is. If she doesn't want to be indoors all the time then they are simply not compatible and she should go find someone else who actually wants to go out with her and will treat her better.
No. He didn’t sign up to pay his daughters bills for the rest of her life when he had kids. No the fuck he did not. I’d prioritize a trip to Disney over caving to an entitled grown woman who doesn’t think she should have to ride a bus when she can’t afford to fix her own shit. Nope. Younger people somehow feel entitled to everyone apologizing to them for existing just because they were born. Fuck that shit.
Your instinct are on point: Your boyfriend is using a dating app to browse options and see what’s out there. He is not trying to “find” female friends.
I think you know that you are being manipulated by your boyfriend with the “trust” card, but your attachment to him + your relationship is clouding your judgement. Take a step back and try to view this from the perspective of a good friend of yours experiencing this situation with their partner. What would you tell them?
BECAUSE THEY ARE.
Sexual satisfaction
Because the prank was set up deliberately to be caught on video for viral likes. They were hoping for a bad reaction for it.
Sister and cousin should be confronted then put in time out (no contact) till they make proper amends.
This has to be about more than your birthday. You feel like he doesn’t carry his weight. Have you talked about it?
Oh of course, tbh I plan to only do shots for this exact reason.
Honestly, her version of a man “caring” for her is just her being a gold digger.
Look at all the liability she offers lol and she expects a man to just take on the burden with no questions or complaint
Imagine it’s 27 years in the future. Your son comes up to you upset and says “Mom, I just found out that my partner has been cheating on me for our entire relationship. They’ve never been faithful, not even at the start. What should I do?” What would your advice to him be? Would you want him to stay with a partner who has betrayed his trust the way your husband did yours?
The choices you and your husband make now are showing your son how relationships/marriages are “supposed” to work. Your son is watching the both of you and your relationship dynamics. If I were you I would want him to understand that he shouldn’t tolerate infidelity and lying from a partner, nor should he do those things to his partners.
What your husband did was a serious betrayal and there has to be consequences. It’s up to you whether that’s counseling and trying to make things work, or separation and divorce. It also heavily depends on if you think you could ever trust him again, and I don’t blame you if you couldn’t. I personally couldn’t because someone who’s able to lie about this for 100% of our relationship would have me questioning what other relationship bombshells are they potentially hiding from me?
You don’t have to decide anything right this second. Give yourself some time to process what happens, reach out to a few trustworthy friends for emotional support, look into a few therapy sessions (if financially doable), and then decide what to do. Don’t keep this a secret, you have nothing to be ashamed of and you need moral support right now. Your husband should at least move into a guest bedroom or sleep on the couch though (or even go to a hotel or friend’s house if possible), he needs to give you space while you figure out what you need to do next.
Also legally, a threesome relationship isn’t recognized. So the wife and boyfriend will be parents of the child, but if the wife and OP are actually married, the wife has substantial claim to OPs assets which will be used on the child. Just a total mess.
From your past posts are coming to bite you in the rear He has every right to act this way based on your past behavior and per your past posts you can't change him and should not try
It’s the 1 on 1 that makes it worse too imo. When you add a few people it’s different.
Idk I wouldn’t ever be in the situation but I’d probably not love it if my wife spent more of her time with another man than she did with me, regardless of how secure we were.
I did go through some pretty traumatic stuff but it's minor compared to what he's been through in his childhood. We're both aware we need to seek therapists because of that.
The thing is, I see my future with him. We often talk about our plans for the future as well, and he's the first real relationship I've ever had. He has helped me through so much, and he says that I've helped him doing much work on himself although we both know there's lots to do yet.
A lot of people see mold that's black and think it's toxic black mold when it could just be mold that is black.
he’s now “dating” a girl he met on hinge lol when I tell him he’s not ready he gets defensive & says that he doesn’t need me to tell him when he’s healed & act like his mom. mind you this girl has also already met his daughter & they’ve been dating for maybe a month at the most.
Dude she obviously cheated on you get your head out of your ass
I don’t comment often here but here’s my 2 cents – you need a different partner. My husband and I decided after being married 5 years and with 2 small children that he would quit his job and go to medical school.
He needed to study, he needed to be away for school and rotations and residency and all that.
We were lucky in that I have a great job with a very flexible schedule but having a partner in medical school is difficult on a relationship and on a family. Unless you have a great partnership and understand roles and goals.
And once you graduate medical school depending on your speciality there become a huge financial power imbalance – unless you have a great partnership.
You guys don’t sound like you have a great partnership and I would look to change ASAP
Update
Thank you so much for your advice. It all helped. We talked last Thursday. It was calm. I told her I was moving out. I've been at my place since Friday.
Happy to help, best of luck to you!
Break up with him. There is a lot of insecurity here. Tell him the next time that it comes up that you and the other person were mutually using each other for fun and pleasure, that's it. If it's a dealbreaker for him, if he wants you to be ashamed of being a woman with needs then he can find himself someone else. You did nothing wrong unless these men forced you into bed, then it was mutually consensual and you're tired of being shamed for having a sex life.
You have to block him. You have to tell him it’s over, and refuse to engage further. Tell him when you are coming by (with many friends) to get your things, and that he shouldn’t be there. But then don’t communicate further.
I wonder what happened to, OP?no update
It's morning here and just started browsing, yet I have to agree enough reddit for me for today.
The fact that you are all living together is a ticking time bomb for infidelity. Plus you said you’ve been dating for only a month? Way too soon to move in together and that’s if you didn’t have your roommate. All of this is red flag city. Him making you feel bad about yourself is all you need to know to gauge the inappropriateness of the situation. Ask him to move out. Continue dating him at arms length if you feel the need to but I (62 F) would say that he has shown you who he is and it’s up to you to believe him. Feel hurt now or feel hurt later but this is not how someone who loves you makes you feel. You’re young and hormones run strong at this age. Know that in separating from him, you are freeing yourself to be available when you meet the RIGHT man for you. Don’t be in a rush. Trust your instincts. The more you do, the more they will be your guiding light in life. Good luck to you!
Personally I would’ve waited just to see what was actually going on and if he was with her, but the thing is you felt something wasn’t right which can sometimes be all the proof you need. All of his lies where small lies but they were lies none the less and once you realized he’s been lying it’s only natural to have distrust in someone. With his lies around sex including his conversations with someone he’s had sex with I think it’s fair to have a fear of them doing something unfaithful, it’s hot to have faith in someone who doesn’t give you a reason.
Dear God just fucking leave.
He has erectile dysfunction and he's too ashamed to admit
Okay wow. First and foremost, does Andrew know about what you’re doing with Mark? If he doesn’t, tell him. Nothing that you decide to do is going to work out well for you if these guys don’t know what’s going on.
You sound flighty and indecisive at the very least. If you have to clarify that you aren’t “technically” cheating on a person, then surely you must know how manipulative you’re being. Be fucking honest, you’re dating two people at the same time. Stop it.
You seem to think that this arrangement is ok, but honestly I’m disgusted. Stop refusing to make a decision, because you’re stringing both of these guys along and being extremely dishonest in the process. What to you want exactly?
I'm with you on this lol. It's not SUPER weird, but it's kinda weird. I'd definitely be a bit weirded out if my friend asked both me and our other friend out, especially if it's just a friend group of three people lmfao.
Get you and your babies out of that relationship!
PRESS CHARGES.
Wait he ignored you for a month, because he was upset.
Nope thats a fundamental breakdown in your marriage, please leave this control freak. Please reconnect with your family and friends at all costs.
Well, do you love her? If you do then you should tell her. If you don’t then tell her you’re falling in love (if that’s true). Otherwise just don’t bring it up.
No. He’s your friend. If your bf is uncomfortable, it’s his issue and insecurity. It also shows how much he trusts you.
What do you think about trying to do dinner again in the next couple days? My eye still looks pretty bad, but I think I'd like to have another shot.
Psychologist.
Well it’s a pertinent detail of his life. Whether it’s a good idea is beside the point. Why wouldn’t he tell you? It would be weirder if he didn’t mention it.
Yeah I expressed to him that he’s free to use them but i can’t promise that it won’t drive me away because it does make me cringe. I just am worried that this “demand” as you describe it, says something about me that i’m not noticing…
Ohhhhhhhh!!!! Explains so much!
Happy Cake Day ?
FWIW, It is YOUR money after the wedding as well. Just because you are married, doe not give your spouse full, unfettered access to your income.
My only concern with drugs would be there’s a lot of violence. It’s against the law, and he could go to prison and you could get caught up in the violence without meaning to. It’s a dangerous life. I have no problem with drugs or sex workers but because it’s illegal it’s created a huge environment of violence and fear because of the law. I still wouldn’t be involved with him but then I’m in recovery for the last couple of decades, and it wouldn’t be good for me.
“Hey GF, can I ask you to do something the next time we make love? For some reason I don't understand and don't really care to I find you tje sexiest thing ever when you put on a puffer jacket. Would you mind wering it for me? If yoy don't have one we can go shopping and I'll buy it foemr you”
You do know the answer. You keep chasing this nonexistent thing. Nonexistent. Ask yourself if you would be thrilled for your kids if they ended up in this situation. I can’t imagine that you would be. It’s unhealthy and I can hear how much pain you are in. Quit chasing this nonexistent thing. I’m really sorry. She absolutely threw this marriage away.
You have a lot of people telling you to have a sit down and/or convo with your parents.
I disagree. This is a missive, not a dialogue.
They don't get a vote. Their feedback is not welcome.
Announce via email, text, FB post, something they can't respond to immediately. Strong recommendation not to read their response. What constructive response could there be? None, from what I can tell.
You are going for low drama. The more you engage, the more you have to stand your ground/defend/argue = more drama.
Lower engagement = lower drama
Good luck, my dear, and CONGRATULATIONS!
If he actually loved you, the thought of going no contact for a month would be unthinkable for him.
Just end the relationship and find someone who actually WANTS to be with you.
You paved the way with some great advise. I love this sub because, for the most part, there are a lot of people who truly do want to help.
Umm do you even know what you posted? I didn’t just randomly come up with these things, I directly quoted parts of your post and gave explanations as to why I said what I said.
If the timing on the photo wasn’t important you would not have put it, if you didn’t change your perception on him being “a good guy” you wouldn’t have felt the need to not only say “he seemed like a good guy” but also capitalize the word “seemed”. I’m not spinning a narrative I’m literally going off what you posted
Don't move in with them, you will always be the third wheel.
Excuse me WHAT? Girl, get the HELL AWAY from this 'man'.
If she abuses you like this as your gf what will she be like as your wife? Miserable can't even begin to describe it.
Everyone seems to be so caught up on this being about “secrecy” but it’s about people who normally don’t have access to your life being given access to your life. If I don’t interact with someone then why would I feel the need to tell them about my pregnancy when we don’t communicate?
I’d like to add that “boyfriend” was in quotation marks because she states he is not her boyfriend. I spoke with her after this post and she still stated “he’s not my boyfriend” as I also stated in the post I don’t mind her communicating about my pregnancy with people I am close with and that will be a part of my child’s life. It’s odd that not wanting complete strangers/ people you don’t have or care to have a relationship with to have access to your pregnancy journey. I feel like people do things for validation on social media so much lately that if you don’t want to share your personal information with the 600 people following you is keeping a secrete. I use to avidly post on social media and completely stopped in 2020 because I realized how much we do for validation of others and that’s when I made a whole new account that was private and that only my friends and family would follow.
I’ve invited her to my ultrasound appts and before going she would state that she is going to look to see the gender and just won’t tell me. Which is violating my wishes and not respecting my decisions blatantly because she thinks it is okay. I have continued to try and re build our relationship which I felt like she broke but all I’m ever met with is combative responses and zero understanding of my reasoning for the “boundaries” or “rules” I set which I am 100% entitled to. So I have just let her be and I still share with her because I do love her and I do understand her excitement and want her to be happy and a part of my journey but the thought of her going behind my back to share with people I don’t want to have access to my life stresses me out and frustrates me.
Initially I wanted her in the room when I gave birth but now I am feeling that it is just best with my partner and I because I feel as if all she cares about is the gender and being the first to snap a photo and send to others, not my well being or her grandchild’s.
I agree with your statement about crushes being harmless….as long as you don’t act on them. However, it does appear your wife let it get the best of her and cloud her judgement.
While she didn’t cross the line romantically, she did cross the line of what’s appropriate with your child’s caretaker who is a minor. I think your wife has some issues, and honestly while I get crushes happening in a marriage, I personally would be more concerned that she developed a crush on someone so young and obviously in HS (whether 17 or 18), pursued a relationship with her outside of daycare to obtain personal info, and despite your attempts to try to talk to her about it in a non-judgemental way…..she continued to hide it. Then she discussed it with a coworker instead of you.
Whether this is forgivable is up to you. But I do think your wife needs some help. This was high risk behavior by her, and even if YOU don’t think she’s a predator, her behavior could be seen as such by this girl or her parents might.
Best of luck to you with this situation.
He is not in any way because he has some principles with which he was honest from the beginning. She could refuse. He didn't ask her after the relationship started but before. She was the one who lied about it.
Lol. Just ask him straight. Whatever answer he gives will be a positive compared to being vague.
I feel like there are a couple steps one could take to improve ones sex life that doesn't include fucking other people
Absolutely. She's playing a long game. She knows what she's doing
Hit the nail on the head!!
I hope he gets out of this relationship and finds someone that truly loves and cares about him, because OP is clearly too selfish to do it.
Let her do what she wants.
As for her suggestion that you send your horses to her or go to her for advice, politely tell her no, that you are happy with how you are dealing with it at the moment.
If she continues to bring it up, be polite but firm in that you do not want to.