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I mean, I kind of get this perspective, but the whole idea that you have to blindly trust your partner no matter what or you shouldn’t be together is also weird to me.
First, trust is earned and grown or at least maintained over time. I trust a partner I’ve been with for years who has never given me reason not to way more than I trust someone I’ve been dating for a few weeks. If I used the fact that I don’t fully trust a new partner yet as a reason to break up, I’d be alone for life.
But secondly and maybe more importantly, I think pretty much anyone is capable of cheating in the right circumstances. You mix together attraction, opportunity, resentment to your partner, drugs/alcohol, stress, etc at the right time and in the right amounts and you can make anyone a cheater, no matter how much they love their partner and are generally loyal. The biggest thing that separates the faithful from the cheaters is that faithful people avoid putting themselves in situations where they’d be more likely to cheat. And going on a weekend trip with someone with whom you have a current emotional and prior physical relationship, where your current partner is explicitly not invited, when you’ve just had an argument with your partner, to a city known for sex and drugs is a recipe for making a poor decision. In op’s boyfriend’s shoes there is no way I’d go on that trip or even consider it.
I'll definitely think about that middle ground. Thanks!
I just don't know about the last part though. Or rather, how I possibly could do anything about it. It's so typical and connected to our diagnos. I can train up my social skills, but I don't think there's much to do about stiff body language or a monotonous voice, at least on an unconcious level (I can always think about it for a short while, of course).
Why does it scream self confidence issues?
Don't listen to everyone telling you to leave her/saying there's nothing you can do… be supportive. If you hear someone catcalling/staring at her inappropriately stick up for her! Watch out for creeps and make her feel safe, otherwise id suggest as some of the other comments do try and find her a GOOD therapist that will help and listen to her concerns and try to help her heal her trauma
Go to the police and tell them about the recordings. Don't tell anyone in the family about it. Otherwise they will delete the evidence.
Yea I agree. I had planned on going nc for a while and reaching back out after some time when I’m better to try to re kindle things. I will say if she does link with an ex it’s over for me. I’m not one to ask and beg to get back w me but I have such a weird feeling she wants me to. She posted her plane ticket on snap and ig…
How “hot and heavy” do you get in public places? Because I promise you, no one else in the world wants to see that, not just your previous hookups. Gratuitous PDA is gross and immature.
Just exactly what my comment said. Your starting a marriage when neither one of you can be trusted. Completely pointless.
I would try to narrow the hypothetical to more specific situations and see exactly where they feel it wouldn't be cheating.
It’s not a deal breaker. I love her very much and would never break up over something like this, it’s just something I’ve been craving if that makes any sense???
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But the thing is, you didn’t want this person to be the one that you wanted. You must realize. You didn’t want it to be him, you wanted it to be the man you thought he was. But he’s not who you thought he was, you never really knew him at all. I know what you’re feeling—you’re looking back on all the good times you had together and you’re grieving that man, the man who did make the effort (sometimes) and who made you feel good. And you’re angry at the man you fell in love with, because how could he do this to you? How could he do this to us?? You’re looking back on things and wondering where the turning point was when he changed. You’re wondering if it was you, or circumstance, or him being stressed or whatever that caused him to make this terrible mistake, and you’re wondering which things you could change to go back to the way that you were, so he can go back to being the man he was.
But here’s the thing. This is him. He’s showing you who he is and you got glimpses of who he was all those times he didn’t put enough effort in that you knew he was capable of. That man that you fell in love with? He doesn’t exist. He’s entirely fictional. He’s the man you painted using your boyfriend as a blueprint, but you painted over all the gross stuff because you didn’t want to see it. The man that he was is fictional, the relationship you had was never that good. He’s a predator, he’s a monster, he’s manipulative and he’s lazy to boot. I know he never really tried that nude to pretend not to be those things… he didn’t have to, because you did most of the work for him. And when the mask started to slip and you started seeing him for what he really was, he’d do the things you wanted him to do just for a little while, just long enough to make you think he was a man you could love again. But these are actions you fought for, you dragged it out of him. He never gave you those things willingly, sure he was capable, but to him you weren’t worth putting in the effort for. So those times you forced it out of him and things seemed better? That wasn’t really him either.
So there is no going back to the way it was because that was a reality created by you. He was always the same man, lazy, never really cared for you. My ex was in grad school when we were together and he never made me feel unloved. If you’re important, you’re important. Love will find a way.
The man you fell in love with was never there. You created him. I bet if you let yourself see the reality of the last few years you’ll see the truth in that, all the little ways he showed you he didn’t care. All the little ways he refused to give you his love and time willingly. And you accepted that again and again. You told him you needed more and then you accepted less. And he knew you would. He’s not grovelling because he wants you back, he’s grovelling because you’ve never held him accountable and he’s once again trying to avoid taking responsibility for his actions. He thinks that once again you’ll tell him this isn’t acceptable, and that you need more from him, but he’ll only have to ramp up the effort for a little while before he starts treating you like Shit again. You’re not end game material you’re a means to an end. No one says that and fucking means it, I promise you, NO ONE. Don’t let that cloud your judgement. You think if someone found “end game” material they’d EVER risk letting that person go? Nope. No one would be so stupid. “You’re the one I want to end up with—you’re so wonderful I want to spend the next 10 years without you.”
Are you really going to fall for that? Are you, once again, going to accept less from him? And are you going to let him abuse his power to sexually coerce and manipulate other young students who lacking experience have even fewer ways to defend themselves against this predator? Do you really want to leave him free in the world to treat you and other naive women poorly just so you can keep loving a delusion that doesn’t even exist, that isn’t the real him?
This, all of this, is him. This wasn’t a one time thing or a random mistake. This is the man. Sleeping with his student didn’t “just happen,” he made choice after choice after choice to manipulate her. And he chose to to betray you again and again with every look, with every word he said to her, with every text, with every secret meet up, with every single kiss, with every single thrust. Are you really going to choose this as your future? Or do you deserve better than this? You’re not an idiot. You’re a smart, educated woman with so much love to give. Don’t give it to someone who doesn’t want it. You know you deserve better than this.
How old are y'all? Do you really expect him not to find any other woman attractive? Or do you just not want him to admit it? Because I can assure you any person on planet notices when someone is objectively pretty. The only thing you're going to accomplish by shaming him for being honest is him lying about it in the future if you ever ask again. You can say someone is attractive without wanting to date them or without having sexual feelings for them.
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It's insulting that you would ask if guys mind being used for sex.
He thought all you want is sex because he asked your intentions and you said “sex” both times.
There is an old saying that goes something like “never 'assume' because you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'”
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It’s not that simple but at least we can maybe take a break if that’s needed but I love her and i don’t want to break up with her.
Isolating for a week and a half because you are sick and have a newborn in the house isn't “living in isolation for the rest of our lives”
Nothing you have done goes away or is excused by “oh, mental illness”. Nothing. You've crushed and humiliated this woman for 12 years, of course she wants a divorce. And if you're serious about recovery, you need that too because you need to move on, and you won't be able to unless you let go. You used your mental state as an excuse to cheat, don't now use your wife as an excuse to not recover.
In the immortal words of Dwight Schrute “False.”
That's a method of torture, if anything deprives me of sleep I'm done with it. Sleep is crucial to survive!!! Ask her to not wake up you up again or you're breaking up with her, trust me no one will be willing to put up with this BS.
Thanks for commenting it was definitely nude a while ago but now that everything’s resurfacing I just feel so overwhelmed and anxious. I also lost my job so everything just makes me feel so worthless. Like maybe they are right maybe I am nothing.
imo it's not a huge age gap, it's just that you are 20.
My mother in law is 9 years younger than father in law. But she was 31 and he was 40. They have been married for 50 years.
Like everyone else has said at 20 you are not in the same stage of life. Don't throw away being young and enjoying life for marriage and babies unless that's something you really want.
That’s a good reason to say, “goodbye”.
Or you can suck it up and stay with him. But agonizing over it is just masochism.
Generally good points. I would just maybe say be very careful with advising someone to get therapy. I am a therapist. I believe in therapy and that a lot of people can use it. But it doesn’t feel great to be told by someone they think you should go to therapy.
Wise people do not point others and call them losers.
Haha why the fuck not
Welcome to the next level of dating someone with a child. You are now moved in together, the dynamics change. Much as you’d probably like to tell her to pack sand, the reality is that now there is a child living with you and you have to dress accordingly. This is just part of growing up and moving to the next level. Do you need to go out and get a set of pajamas and slippers? No. But a pair of shorts and a comfortable t-shirt is fair
Your friend is an asshole, don’t chase her, she’s a poor excuse of a friend. I don’t even follow her damn logic.
I’m not understanding where you are getting opening the relationship has anything to do with anything you said here? Sounds like you spewed a bunch of crap in order to hide the fact you want to fuck other people. Just say that.
This guy has self respect and my respect. Good for you fir not letting her continue to treat you horribly.
You should never see him again. I am dead serious.
Having mental illness does not mean that your actions do not have consequences and it does not excuse his behavior.
Not only is his behavior bad for you now, but it’s teaching you that that is normal for your future relationships, which can stick with you for a long time. You should not tolerate feeling scared in your own relationship.
????
You’re fundamentally incompatible. It’ll never work.
Don't quit until you find another job. Rona unemployment is over back to normal.
Wow rating you a 6? Ratings being gross aside, who the hell would rate their SO a 6 and then have the balls to dump that in their lap on top of it? First of all, I highly doubt his rating of you was accurate, more than likely his goal was to make you feel exactly the way you are feeling now. Purposely rating someone like your best friend higher than you is just another tactic to make you think he’s doing you a favor by being with you. I sincerely hope you dump this manipulator because you don’t deserve to deal with shit like that. In fact, nobody does. It’s abusive plain and simple.
Too many variables. I think you need to go and read the situation.
My first thought reading this was if nothing really hasn’t happened between them, it’s definitely not because your boyfriend doesn’t want it to.
This would be a dealbreaker for me.
Nah, if they had a Princess Dash multiple times a year and I could safely afford it I’d go to all of them. New Tiara every time? Fuck yes. Id build a whole shelf for them.
Things were more fucked up than only that
Have you ever met her or is this purely an online relationship??
Y’all don’t have the same values, and that should be a dealbreaker for both of you. Cut him loose.
I won’t comment on the reasonableness of asking this but I will say that if this is an actual dealbreaker for him, it is much much better that he tell you now than later. Too many comments suggest that this is insane to ask at 7 months and I personally think if this isn’t a discussion he’s willing to have then it much better you know now before a separation will really hurt.
TBH, why did you ask if you didn’t want an answer? You invited him to comment on your weight then got mad when he did.
Or bro
Or bro
Keeping yourself in a victimhood mentality isn't helping you. According to your own post, the two of you weren't exclusive. According to your own comment, he said the right before that y'all weren't exclusive. He didn't cheat. Now if you want a monogamous relationship, that is fine but you need to be with someone that feels the same and has that same boundary. It isn't fair to either of you for you to expect a monogamous relationship when it isn't.
Lol, which eye? The green one or the black one?
All kidding aside, it's a little tough, you know? We've had a lot of great times together. There's a huge part of me that hopes she was just super grossed out by my eye looking how it did and just couldn't bear to look at me until it healed up a little bit.
I think it would be beneficial to have a sit down with her and talk it out. I still think it's really shitty for her to not be seen in public with me on our anniversary or even come over so we could celebrate privately, but I want to hear her thoughts a little bit more.
There are a lot of people that are turned on my their partner having sex with someone else. It isn't that rare. But usually the fantasy about doing it is far different then what happens when reality hits and your partner is getting railed and you are thinking, what the hell did I just do? Then the mental games start and it's something that can't ever be undone. If your both not 100 percent into it, just say no. Even couples that are totatally into trying it fail more times than succeed.
Why does it have to be either of those two choices? Especially since both choices paint OP in an incredibly negative way no matter what.
I feel like there is at least a third, if not more choices. Namely: she thought she could deal with sleeping without her dogs, but now that she has had to experience that reality, she doesn’t feel like she can continue in that way and would like to try to find a compromise between their two preferences
Not everyone is some conniving, manipulative schemer.
The problem is never the disparity in ages. People can love who they love.
The problem in 'age gap' relationships are two-fold: power imbalance and life stages
Example 1: 40yr old and an 18yr old. The 40 year old will usually hold more 'power' in the relationship due to more established career/finances but also due to experience. It's easier for a 40 yr old to lie to someone fresh out of childhood than someone who's had life experience. I don't think that this applies here since you are an established adult and in just a few years will have been an adult for longer than you were a child. Any 'power imbalance' in the relationship now is entirely due to personality rather than age. NOTE: while the power imbalance is a danger in all extended age gap relationships that does not mean that it is present in all of them.
Example 2: heterosexual relationships – F35/M55 or F40/M20 or F20/M50 The other issue is 'life stages'. if the woman is nearing the point where she really has to start trying to get pregnant if she wants to start a family then she can hit trouble with a partner who is older and does not want to be a 75yr old by the time his kid leaves home or on the other end a partner who doesn't want to be a dad at 20. Similarly if you're 20 and want to establish a career but your partner wants a child before he's 'too old' then your relationship might buckle under that strain. You're 20 and want to go to clubs and travel but they've done all that and want a quiet life. You and your partner aren't that far apart, you're past your nightclub years and if you're going to be childless then I can't see an issue.
Thank you, it's nude to come to terms with keeping this from him, but based on yours and everyone else's responses (along with my therapist) I think it is best for me to leave it in my past. I can't express how relieving it is to have the reassurance that I'm not that person anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm just forever stuck as a horrible, irredeemable person, but ultimately I need to accept that I've changed and learned.
Thanks for clarifying that; it wasn’t that clear in the post and I was trying to work it out.
“Baby mama is crazy and won't let me see my kids. No, I haven't gone to family court for a custody agreement. They wouldn't listen anyway cause the courts favor the moms. No, I don't contact her about visitation. But she still won't let me see my kids! I'm paying $75 a month in child support and she uses it on herself!”
Yes. Yes. yes. Both make good money, what is hs required to do, make 500k to keep her happy? Her debt? She may make a lot and may be smart to be a doc but her debt says otherwise.
Go wit ya gut mate
Maybe it seems like the main problem is money in the text but its just some basic human needs. I constantly feal like im doing somthing wrong and that is for the hole relationship. I trust her I know but if she dream to online a one type of lifestyle i cant present her it makes you feel devestated constantly daily. So I should tie her up to me knowing that most likely would result in her unhappynes later in life?
He was was out of line the moment he brought up the family issues.
Why can’t be just be an open dialogue. I’m not attacking you. I don’t believe in any ideology like u most likely do. I just believe in myself and her. What’s wrong with that? Why again I’ll ask. Why is the only right answer to walk away and leave her in needless hurt and pain?
That’s understandable for sure. Does he take allergy meds or allergy shots? I am personally quite allergic to dogs, but after finding the right medication for me, my symptoms are almost entirely gone.
So it was disrespectful of you to suggest she get her tubes tied, but not of her to suggest you get a vasectomy?
I obviously don’t know your situation, but just from this post it sounds to me like you’re emotionally done with the relationship and have no real interest in getting back together. It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind.
What are the specific things that you expect to happen in the next 3 to 5 years? You know, when you get married your life does not end. You still have to have a job/pursue a career. You still have to pay bills and taxes. If you can both support yourselves now, then what is the reason you don't want to get married? Any response to your gf has to be very, very specific so that she doesn't feel that she is just not special enough. You say she's great.
There is another side to this. Like the lady said” “of you liked, you should have put a ring on it”. Don't be surprised if she walks away.
Why ask for advice if you already had your mind made up about it?
The reason you can put on a façade so easily is the same reason many men can do the same thing. Us showing emotions causes problems in some way, shape, or form. If we're sad and crying, people judge us for not being strong and stoic. Especially our partners. If we're upset and angry, people get scared because we could be violent. Etc, etc, etc… I guarantee if you walk into a crowd of men, about 60% of them have something going on behind the veil and you'd have no idea unless they sat you down and told you.
Also, it seems your girlfriend loves her best friend more than she loves you, sorry to say it, but it seems pretty obvious.
Nothing to fix until you find out one way or the other.
Step back and focus on you and your needs. If its true, make sure you know what you want to come out of this with. Once you get the “proof” you can go from there.
If its false, get the one starting drama out of your life.
She’s not upset bc it’s more expensive, she’s upset bc her sister is purposefully making her feel bad
4 to 5 times a year for 2-5 days sounds like a week every other month. It's not uprooting in the sense that they are relocating or anything like that. She does say she's working late as well.
It's also not just the time sink. But also emotional and mental sink as well. Her husband is saying that he feels like a third wheel to her work. All the comments are telling her that her career is more important than her husband and child. That's insane.
She’s got probably a bet on the birth-day ?
if I wasn't ready to talk about it with the guy I was with, I wasn't ready emotionally to do it with him
That makes a whole lot of sense. Thank you for your input __^ I most definitely want to talk things out with him before we do anything.
First of you MUST go no contact not should.
Second of all if you ever speak to her tell her “grow the f up”
She is more childish in her 40s than you were in your teens.
You are not an ass for leaving a relationship where you are not valued. What she thinks is not your responsibility or your worry. You deserve to be valued and loved, not just to give love endlessly.
You deserve to leave.
You are not old enough to have sex
You should hate him.
Shouldn’t the babysitting been decided first?
Cheaters lie. Best to go into any conversation about what they're up to knowing the answers before you ask the questions.
Real similar situation with my (now ex) wife. I just knew something was up. One night she went out ‘with friends’ and when I woke up and looked for her, she was nude on the couch.
Here’s the thing. My (now ex) friend and co worker was kind of obsessing with my wife and I had no idea. I hate saying this, but he was the way more attractive of the two and certainly had his pick of women. My ex had given birth a year earlier and was definitely not in the most attractive phase of her life. But he obviously wanted to hurt me and I think my ex kind of liked the little game they were playing before it got darker.
Assuming this post is real and the story is accurate, it’s not certain that they’ve had a sexual affair (yet), but she is almost certainly flirting with the idea of it. She met your old friend at the wedding. You weren’t there. She didn’t have you to talk to and he probably has great stories about when you were younger. They dance, he offers to help get her a job. They exchange numbers and start texting about the job. He then gets her the job so now she feels a huge debt towards him. That’s a big thing getting someone a job. Now they’re going out, maybe still just with work friends and he’s there and he’s her friend and it feels nice.
If it ends there, it’s shitty, but humans are flawed. I don’t think it would be a deal breaker for me if she came clean about what’s happened. If they’re f*ing then you gotta walk away.
The problem is they work together, so you can’t say they shouldn’t talk. It’s tricky.
Tell your wife no matter what job you have, your job will never be loyal to you. This is how you are looking out for your family – showing that family comes first by ensuring your financial security.
She lied about having sex with the dude in order to give u a reason to leave her yet begging u to come back and then told u how she bravely pushed aside horny hubby as she was going at it with the wife….. wtf kind of nonsense is she spilling, to all the people out their in stable relationships count your blessings
Updateme!
They’re definitely playing a part in him wanting to move back. Again I don’t blame him or hold any negative feelings about the move itself, he should be happy. I only feel blind sided and used. His parents are doing so much to encourage him to stay. From offering a house, to a high paying job, to a car with a driver. Going as far as setting up dates for him. He told me he declined the date and didn’t go, but either he lied or he regretted not going by the way he spoke of it. Told me the girl was exactly his type too.. multiple times
Because he’s 20.
Is it possible you have Autism and things come out the wrong way?
GAG is the only correct response here.
You can and should walk away from your boyfriend before you see anyone else. As it stands you are currently running away from your problems and being a bad partner by doing so. Pack your stuff, tell him it’s over and gtfo, then you can have fun with a man who will care and value you.
I mean that's just his version of porn, same idea.
Why would you marry him? Part of the definition of spouse is “helpmate”, and he’s been very clear that he has no intention of helping you with anything. Ever. His passive-aggressive excuse is that you’re meant to be “independent.” Guess what? Marriage is about interdependence. Interestingly, he’s more than happy to take advantage of YOUR help. Marrying him will be a lonely life made worse by not actually being alone.
How are you supposed to plan a future with a person that can’t even plan a camping trip? It’s a real turn off.
Pretty much what everyone else has said. The sex stuff now takes a back seat to your breach of privacy. One that wasn't just a “stumble upon” but required you to translate it.
So first, confess the breach, and if you're still together after that, then have the sex talk.
He did until COVID ruined his industry. I work full time and support a household and still make time for games with my friends. FFS I invited a guy I ONLY know from gaming to my wedding. Games are fine, and if you have that much of an issue with them, either leave him so he can be happy, or get your own fuckin hobby.
I have severe trauma, I have been in therapy but never for an extended period of time. Finding therapists in my tiny town is difficult. I've acknowledged how my trauma effects my present relationships now and can see the red flags instead of chasing them. Gaslighting myself is an issue.
To me it seems super creepy and weird. I’m on the outside and don’t know the whole story. But if you were my friend I would tell you to not talk to this woman again at all. I’m kind of worried it might escalate. Please be safe. Also if you ever want to DM me feel free.
Yes, after realizing that was an issue capitalize stops complaining about the kids during the day and started basically just sexy messages and pictures. Even when he asks for one and how much I miss him and the things we’re gonna do when he gets home. And then he gets home and somethings stupid happens, like I ask about work and I get half answers but that’s just how he is and has always been so he’s not really being evasive on these questions he legitimately, I’ve known him for over 20 years and it’s just the way his brain is. He doesn’t think like a girl. I want to know a conversation like, I walked up and said blah blah blah then they said blah blah blah then I said blah blah blah, and it was a laughing conversation and mean conversation, etc. etc., that’s not what I get obviously
You're young so I know it seems like you're in love basically, and I'm not going to lie it will probably suck for a while, but this is absolutely grounds for ending things permanently. She wanted to have sex with someone else, but you on the shelf so she can get you back whenever she wants, and will absolutely do this again in the future. Plus she was definitely at least emotionally cheating on you before she brought up the break. You deserve better my man.
okay wow that sums it up yeah and ofc if he would’ve been like this at the beginning I would’ve not dated him but he just became like this along the way so if he used to be better maybe I can encourage him to be better again? Idk i’m coping I really don’t want a breakup because he sorta became part of my routine and since I only “ hang out “ with him I don’t even really have friends to be with since he sorta made me lose all of them with his jealousy early in our relationship.
He sent a bulleted list???
There is no rule he could have said that way what was acceptable. Who the fuck talks to a partner like that??
Yep! Every time she calls him “baby” look her straight in the eye and firmly say, “his name is (______).” EVERY. TIME.