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As long as you are kind and a good human being. Aaand financially independent, college degree doesn't matter.
Nah. Netherlands is in short supply of houses and plenty of roommates to be found. You only beg for someone to be your roommate if they have the house lol.
Grow some balls and be honest. I promise you she won’t kill herself
If you stay in this relationship you're gonna be miserable. Always thinking of what she's doing when not around you. Or “who” she's doing. Get out and treat her with indifference. The fact that she has a condom with her on a GIRL'S NIGHT OUT without YOU THERE tells you all you need to know. Dude.
i dont even know
I guess I don’t want him to think less of me because he is so much further in his career and I don’t have much to show for mine and finances would reflect that
we both opened it up, i just happened to engage first. i have been okay with him doing it for well over a year. he was the one unsure. I also told him that usually this wouldn’t be a problem but it is bc he brought it up in response to my trauma. he also said that he only wants to now because it looks like we’re having none at all anytime soon. he has vocalized the frustrations dozens of times and the best solution for him, his choice, was corn. he never chose to engage with other people bc he doesn’t wanna exchange liquids with anyone but me, but wants to be sexually satisfied, he gets that with porn, he has quick and easy access without interacting with other people, exactly what he wants according to him.
Her desire for drama is a feature, not a bug. It's who she is. Be grateful she told you relatively early. She needs to grow TF up. Until then, if she's not getting her drama fix from your relationship, she will make the drama herself.
You do not need that shit in your life. Not. At. All.
Grab your parachute and bail out before you crash.
Hey, as someone who's been that girl – I think you guys probably had sex too early and since you didn't even have any sort of commitment or a label on it- she probably felt that you were leading her on and being a fuckboy etc…
Did you guys have the what are we talk before or after having sex? Because the last time I reacted like this, the guy was lying and dating other people.
Success lies in the hands of those who want it.
Thanks for the honesty, I'll just move on
He says he’s willing to give up his dog and you aren’t even willing to attempt getting the pets used to each other? YTA
Do some reading between now and the move. See if he can find an animal behaviorist locally. You can at least TRY. Just because your cat doesn’t like other cats doesn’t mean it won’t like dogs. Having never met a dog is probably good because he doesn’t have any negative associations.
Heck, lots of dogs only like other dogs of a certain size. Animals are just as weird as people. Give it a chance. But, introduce them slowly and responsibly. Don’t just dump them on each other. Maybe he can even mail you a blanket or something the dog has slept on so your cat can start getting used to his smell before the move. Feed him treats on it or something. Play low volume YT videos of barking dogs while feeding your cat tuna. Idk. Start working on it now, before you move. Do everything you can to make moving a positive experience. There’s a whole ass tv show about getting cats to adjust to things they hate. I think you can try.
Maybe she's just getting him a gift to avoid being rude or starting drama? If he is the way you say he is, I imagine he'd feel snubbed if she got his gf a gift and not him.
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I think you've just gotta be honest with her. The cultural divide between you is too great, and trying to pretend that it's not is just wasting both of your time.
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This does feel like an unintentionally manufactured argument. It's almost like you're both talking past each other in regards to what you mean here.
The older I've got, the more I've realised that type isn't really relevant, or even that much of a thing. It might be for some people but honestly, hair colour, eye colour, skin tone, height etc… it doesn't really matter because it all comes down to whether you find that specific person attractive. It doesn't matter whether they conform to a pre-conceived notion of what type someone thinks they have.
Yes. But it is a harsh situation.
You are right being broken doesn't make someone a bad person – a broken person becomes a bad person when they break other people because they refuse to put themselves back together.
Just because you feel “love” for someone is not enough in any kind of relationship (platonic, romantic, familial) – love for someone also requires a duty of care and requires personal responsibility to and for the ones you love. Love is not just a feeling it is also actions. What have your actions shown in the past? What do your actions in the future need to be to show that you care about the people you love?
If my house is on fire – I can feel deeply and truly that I want it to not be on fire. And if I don't get up and actively do something to put out the fire – the house will still burn down no matter how strongly I feel like I want it not to burn down. If I don't want my house to burn down, I also shouldn't set it on fire. Do you see where I am going with this metaphor?
I mean this sincerely – please find a counselor/therapist for yourself and your family, because your house is on fire.
Reddit is amazing and it also can suck. You can get good and bad information and advice here. But the problem you find yourself in now will not be solved here, at best you are going to get a wakeup call – I think you need to find an impartial 3rd party who you can work with to do the work to dig yourself out of this hole so you can move towards the best outcome possible for your children.
This situation and how you got into it; how you have handled it all along – and how you treated your husband cannot be your standard operating procedure for living life if you want to have a good life and if you want the people you love to have a good life.
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Bet he may have lied to the friend unless he has already done this in past relationships
The only way you can “fix” this is to give her time, more time and all the time in the world she wants without moaning about it.
And to do what she wants regarding who you see and where you go.
If you can’t give her this reassurance then you aren’t serious about her.
Do people just skip over the first word in the FWB acronym? Do you have no respect for any of your friends?
None of your business.
not yet. as i said in some comments, i'm likely to be on the spectrum, because gf is a psychologist with some experience in dealing with people on the spectrum and she said it's likely that i am as well
He will dump you before he removes that tattoo.
Why are you discussing a future with an “okay” guy in a “mediocre” relationship?
Why are you settling so young? Nobody should settle for mediocre IMO, but definitely no someone so young. Get out and find someone better than okay.
Firstly, a lot of that sounds like autism. Or he could just be an asshole and is pretending to care/change, but promise you if that’s the case he won’t. The age gap really isn’t great, I’ll be honest, worsened by the fact the relationship started when you were 18. There’s a lot of maturing you go through up til 25, and it sounds like he’s too immature for you and you’re only 19. Leads me to believe a person his age doesn’t want to date him. I’m 24 and the prospect of dating an 18 year old is nauseating.. it’s something you realize as you get older. You’re young, if your emotional needs aren’t being met this early into the relationship I would very much reconsider. All the best
You get yourself of of that place of mind by getting some damn therapy
Bitter roommates
Stay at home girlfriend who doesn't work or clean or cook can at least be justifiable if she's nude and puts out.
Yeah, I guess that could work for some people. At least short-term, I have a hard time believing anyone would be happy with an arrangement like that as a lifelong kind of deal.
It's a nude pass from me either way, though. I can't imagine being in a long-term relationship that isn't built on mutual support, care and effort. To me having sex isn't a reward, it's a fun and intimate activity for couples to enjoy together. It's a mutually beneficial thing, not a transactional one-way reward. I personally want a partner, not a fuckable financial and emotional drain. To each their own though, I guess.
Sometimes our oldest friendships are the ones we turn a blind eye to. We have had them so long, we don’t want to lose them but we lose sight of the fact they aren’t positive relationships anymore. She wasn’t acting as your friend in this story- more of an instigator and hypocrite.
People need to stop pretending a 18-19-20yo is a child. Young ? Yes. Child ? No.
I just want to tell you, that you aren't stupid. He's a total creep for having a history of going after coworkers and sleeping with a teenager. It might be legal, but it's creepy. You haven't done anything wrong! You're just living your life. He's the mistake, you aren't. I hate seeing you being so nude on yourself 🙁
Partners gotta be able to sit down and respectfully discuss everything, your feelings, concerns, boundaries.
Can't just have a partner that enjoys the good parts and ignores everything else while they actively add to the bad times.
Going off only what you've said it reads like he was obviously joking the whole time and also joking when he said he's not giving you a ride if you don't have a sense of humour?
She is too old to be playing the 'guess what I'm thinking game'. Adults do not talk until 2-3 am on work nights (usually) and doing so is not some kind of weird test of your love. She needs to use her words.
So…you started making jokes at the expense of your friend who is actually in an abusive relationship. I think you did take it too far and should be idk relieved that your husband is as sweet as you say he is. Ppl like your friend doesn’t have that. Nice to know you think it’s funny to joke about though /s.
You are insensitive so maybe you can start with that. You didn’t know when to stop and that’s a flaw you’ll have to correct. He should move on too since he found it funny in the beginning. Personally imo I don’t find that funny at all.
You are never going to be able to change your sisters, and your mother is complacent and enabling about them. That is a shitty thing to go through, and all the shame to your sister making her dislike for you so noticeable that her oldest child parroted the sentiment.
I don’t know if you have tried this yet as a last ditch attempt, but since your mother isn’t helpful and functions more the the apologist, have you considered pulling your sisters together with you to meet up and discuss all this? Share what you shared here as well as anything you left out. Might as well try if you haven’t. I expect them to likely be deniers, muster up excuses and or make empty promises to change,but at least at that point you can cut them out of your life knowing that you tried everything.
As far as your mother goes, that is not fair of her to ask you to light yourself on fire to keep yourself warm for her sake. You need to do what’s best and mentally healthy for you, rather than live your life a certain way just to please a parent. If you must cut them out and feel you will have more peace of mind after, then go ahead. You can be cordial with them at lg family get together, but focus on you and your relationship with parents rather than them, their plans or anything to do with them.
You're being abused. So much of this is textbook emotional abuse, including gaslighting. Ik you say you dont have the strength to leave but you do. Think about this – is this how you want to live forever? If you want kids, is this the environment you want to have them in?
If you have access, please get into therapy. At the very least, please contact a domestic violence organization that can help you move forwards. And if you've been keeping all of this quiet to yourself, stop. Tell you friends. Tell your mom. Ik it can be scary. Speak up anyways.
You are completely out of line here.
Creepy, gross
What a monumental disaster from the word go. You can't be trusted, period. You shouldn't marry this person, as much for their sake as for yours. Your boss was fired because of your direct actions. Your boyfriend may be fired because of your direct actions, and honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if you were fired because of your direct actions. What employer in their right mind would hang on to someone like you? You are clearly a major liability.
Wut
Even if she actually is pregnant, if you don't want to be in a relationship with her you should break up with her regardless. You can still do right by the kid (if there is one) either way.
He didn't change, he's revealing his true self.
Yeah. Do Not Ask Her. Unless you like being single.
Truthfully, talk about and be upfront about why its bothering you because “I thought it might that's why I told you now” isn't gonna cut it tbh. I've been in your situation and when someone tells you they're monogamous you just assume its you and them and on top of that ask yourself if you knew she was sleeping with someone else at the start of your relationship would until Jan would you still want to date her?
Love fixes everything OP! Hugs!!
She could be walking around constantly worried you'll find out and leave her and you'll relieve this massive burden from her
My guy I’m sorry but this is mainly on you. I don’t get how you’re perplexed that someone who you started dating at 18 when you were 24 (eww also) is not in the same life stage as you? She’s not even as old as you were when you started dating and she’s still not even fully mentally developed and so it is no surprise that she has more growing and learning to do before she wants to settle down. Like you’re older than me and I don’t get how you’re this naive. This is why age gaps at younger ages are not good. Most of your adult learning is done between 18-25.
What she has suggested is a breakup and I would definitely plan for that she isn’t coming back as a worst case. There’s nothing you can do and you don’t know her mental state better than her, you need to let her grow and learn more about yourself or you’ll be setting yourself up for an early divorce anyway.
And – if you do not want to talk with her and just sit and suffer – at least make it formal. Right now you are just wallowing in your own misery.
You introduced them with this goal in mind. You need to suggest either that you meet up irregularly or that you tell both of them you will give them space to get to know each other.
Start looking for new friends.
This would absolutely involve you and change your life if you stay with Jared. I would leave immediately. I would understand Jared sitting with this info for a week to process things before telling you… But to wait 7 months into the pregnancy and multiple months into your relationship to bring it up… Absolutely not cool.
It sounds like you’re in a position where, culturally, your options are limited, and even if they weren’t, your family thinks that finding a love match is unlikely?
Have you talked to the woman they are trying to match you with, to hear her thoughts on it? Have you told her what you would expect in a spouse, and asked her what she would expect? It could be that she’s equally ambivalent about the match, but also feels her options are limited?
Is it possible that the two of you could come to an agreement about what marriage will look like, what each of you can expect from the other, and consider proceeding with the match, if you both can come to an agreement that suits you? Could you both agree that neither of you is interested in sexual relations with the other, and discuss what it would take for both of you to ultimately feel attracted? Is it possible that she could get out of her family’s home and would then feel happier, may not be so “lazy” once she isn’t depressed, and may start being more active and lose weight?
Alternately, is it possible that your father will stop paying for school regardless, once he thinks you’ve secured financial stability, and is looking for an out?
I wouldn’t normally advise someone to marry someone they aren’t in love with, but I know that’s a very western outlook on love and marriage, and that in cultures where arranged marriages are common, that may not be the case. If marrying her is the only way to achieve your life goals, maybe in this scenario your best bet is to talk to her, to better understand what this would look like for each of you, and figure out how to make it work so you both feel happy with the arrangement. You’re both just kind of being traded off to someone for financial/social capital, and as awful as that is, I know that sometimes there is no way around it, and all you can do is find a way to make it work for you.
Had he been more receptive and it was over something else I’d say go on and tell him as it could be good for him for future relationships. But it’s literally over him not listening to you and your expectations(boundaries) of the relationship. So I’d agree and doubt he’d listen, and the friends thing would be a waste. I’d just say no thanks to staying friends and move on
Seems completely benign to me. This sub will tell you to get a dna test or lawyer up if he/ she is 5 minutes late to dinner. I would just ask what is going on. The tone of the text doesn’t seem flirty.
I would venture to say your wife was seeking attention from someone else since u were not available for her due to your residency schedule, the ironic piece is once u finish ur residency and establish your medical career u will be living a great life and she will be missing out, and u will have plenty of time to be with your kids
I really hope that you are fully done with your external affair so you can move on with your life because for me this is a guilt that will carry with me for life and we weren't even together at the time.
I had talked to men live starting with emotional affairs, convinced he had cheated on me when later to find out it was only a projection of what had happened to me and what I had done to him. We ended up divorced then it went to physical a couple of times. We ended up back together a year later and it haunts me often. I don't know if i will ever be able to fully get over what I did even though he forgave me, so thankful he was so forgiving he knew that wasn't me and there had to be a reason I did what I did.
Wemon don't usually cheat because they lack variety or get bored it's because they are missing something in their relationship like empathy validation, attention, feeling beautiful and attractive to the one they love, ect.
You need to address this in your marraige, whatwver you are lacking. I suggest aproaching it in therapy or he may not take you serious.
Get serious about your priorities and morals alining the two and move away from this behavior facing your core reasons why it's happening. You dont want it to esculate to the point of no return if you triely want to keep your marraige.
It really feels like it cannot be accidental at this point. Those are all the things we were taught to never do in preschool. Noticed the fire alarm was unplugged when I came home..
Fair enough, I suppose. My mom was similar until she saw my dedication to my late father and my family dedicated florals. I've had some for 15 years at this point. They do require upkeep (basically getting them redone every 10 or so years), and if you skip that, many won't age well.
Anyway, hope you have a great weekend!
Ah ok. I hadn’t seen that.
OH MY GOODNESS I LOVE THIS TERM!
Babes. Here is how you turn him into *the* man: Get him on Bluechew. Tadalafil and Sildenafil. Viagra and Cialis. BOTH OF THEM. Have him on the Cialis (Tadalafil) 5mg every day, and have him take the 30 or 45mg Viagra (Sildenafil) half hour before sex, and no alcohol. The two make a cocktail that turns any man into a machine. I am 33 years old and used to vape and do a lot of coke–I put my vascular system through the wringer–I'm healthy now but I couldn't always depend on my guy so I started taking both of these. The pure confidence flowing through every vein in my body that comes from knowing that not only will it go up, but it will be super nude the entire time, and it will be hard after, and I will be able to go multiple times…. it can't be compared to anything.
The only problem with this is that he will suddenly realize that he wasted his entire life doing a garbage job of disappointing women with his weak dick, and now he's an unstoppable god. He may feel compelled to go out and try to satisfy other women now that he is actually capable of it. Part of being with you for 7 years might have been that he knew you would accept D tier sex and felt safe and comfortable with you. No offense, just warning you that with great power comes great responsibility. Ta!
Thank you, since this has been a reoccuring piece of advice it probably holds some ground. I really don't want to if it isn't my last option though.
Thank you! He’s had an assistant since he was 20?!
damn dude i’m sorry. i have a good relationship w my parents, but was groomed as a young teen, and also had 3 very traumatic friendships and i think those experiences are what gave me such bad anxiety in my relationships and friendships for me. aside from therapy, maybe you and ur man could develop some rituals that can help you grow your trust in him that he will be there for you? my bf pointed out to me somewhat recently that my fear of him leaving is sorta distrusting, and that helped me think of it in a different way.
First, this is totally messed up!
Second, you shouldn't have to go through this crap and it could have been settled if she had told you who the “informant” is.
She is more interested in keeping a secret that she is loving and trusting her partner with the information she has shared.
You don't hide things from people you love, especially if you are engaged.
I would say you two most likely wouldn't make it to the alter with the way she is behaving. Honestly, is she dating or seeing or friends with another male that likes to plant suggestions?
I would leave, find someone who is honest and can't wait to be with you.
The fact that she won't tell you speaks volumes. Marriage takes a lot of work and you are only engaged! This is a HUGE RED FLAG.
Move on and don't waste any more of your life when you could be with someone who is open and honest with you.
It's mental that's the first thought they got reading this.
Maybe you could try to bring your parents into this to become the “bad guy” so you don’t have to take his abuse. You could either tell them straight up or try to have them over to experience it themselves. Idk if they are living above they may have heard a little as well. Sorry, this sounds terrible and your brother is not being a good person.
You 100% have contributed to the changes in your life. You deserve credit and congratulations.
My guess (and I could be wrong) is that your bestie is used to being the successful, together one in the friendship. She is used to feeling better about herself when she compares her life and how she manages things to you. Now that you’re succeeding and doing well and making positive change, she is feeling left behind and lacking. This is not your problem. This is a problem she needs to deal with.
She has gotten so used to the comparison game working out in her favour, that when it suddenly didn’t, she is looking for ways to justify it in a way that makes her feel better – hence convincing herself that you wouldn’t be doing well without the adderall.
This would also explain how she doesn’t relate her husband’s adderall usage to yours. His usage of it benefits her life and her success.
I could totally be wrong. But this is my first thought without knowing you both and observing the behaviour. But if I’m right, tread carefully. This friendship is heading south if you keep doing better. She won’t do well when things are going well for you unless she deals with her issues with comparison.
She needs to learn to run her own race. And you might need to branch out a bit in your friendships.
Its a combination of investments, revoking account payments, his own earnings, and small real estate investments. It wasn’t consistent in the past but it is now. All in all counting only personal income that he will claim on taxes (somewhere around 25k) and poker winnings 50k I think.
Your husband is disgusting, he is the main problem. Start with him
Tell him, work with him to figure out the way forward. Of course, if what you want interferes with what he wants, put yourself first. But a lot of people here are suggesting that you leave him out entirely and that’s just straight up a bad idea
You deserve better! ✌???
Leave asap. Cut ties.
Isn’t the whole whole “happy wife happy life” a super manipulative approach to conflict resolution? I don’t think apologizing to placate is something she would want in our marriage.
I don’t feel like I did anything that was proportional to her reaction especially her last outburst. Essentially she feels I was driving recklessly and I don’t believe I was anywhere near that. My history and experience support that. Why would I immediately apologize for something that I didn’t do?
Hey sis. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Yes it's going to hurt and it might hurt for a long time. Everyone is different though. Remember that what you feel is okay, and being sad is okay. You will start feeling better on your own timeline and you are the only one that will be able to know. I wish I could be more help. You will feel better and hopefully learn from this experience and it will help you next time. Lots of hugs!
He’s a 39 year old man and can’t be caught standing beside some makeup? You’re too old to not know how ridiculous that sounds. Why are you cohabiting with someone 3 months into an (live) relationship??
Then my first suggestion to you is to give up this idea that you have a moral imperative to shape her behavior. Unless she has specifically asked you what she should do, she is an adult, capable of making her own decisions, and if you attempt to remove that capability you are infringing on her human rights. Everyone has the right to be wrong.
No, if you were the person who was being wronged, such as the spouses of the men she's cheating with, then you would have the right to seek legal redress. But you are not one of those spouses. You are not being wronged. Your feelings are being hurt, but that's all. Your friend does not owe you some standard of behavior. She may owe her spouse some standard of behavior after she has married him — and the key word there is may_ — but she is not married and she is not married to you, so she owes you nothing. She certainly doesn't owe you some particular version of herself, the version of her you befriended. Yes, it sucks to lose that person, but that's still not your choice to make. If she wants to be someone different, she is allowed to be someone different.
So, what are your options?
Stay with her, if at a distance, so that if she has regrets about her behaviors in future, you are there to support her. Draw boundaries around yourself, decide you don't want to be associated with someone who acts in such a careless manner, and unfriend her.
You do not help your friend unless she has asked for it. Trying to impose morals and standards on somebody else is an act of violence. And sure, she may have hurt you, but two wrongs still don't make a right.