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He made her cry. He made her scared. She said she understands the age difference. Clearly she doesn't know what's going on here. OP if you see this get out of this bad excuse for a relationship. It's not a relationship. It's a power struggle. And you're losing it.
I do not suggest handling it the way I did. (Warning this is not a short read)
He convinced me to stay. He has adhd, pretty sure he’s on the spectrum, and he has ptsd from the abuse his parents put him through. Because we were together for so long before anything happened (just under 2 decades) I think I convinced myself that his mental issues were the pushing factor. He then spent the next 7 years crossing boundaries, lying, becoming increasingly verbally abusive. His mental health got worse because my mental health was getting worse.
We never healed but we are still together. Lots of individual therapy. Some couples therapy. He has learned that he can use his mental health issues against me in an argument. He weaponizes my mental and emotional health.
For about a month now he has been without his meds (adderall shortage is real) and now we are at the point where he needs to find another place to stay. I feel so much guilt (Stockholm?) but his verbal abuse is starting to trickle down to the kids. In particular my oldest who is not biologically his but he has raised since she was 3. She is an adult but lives with us while she (first found a job) saves up enough for a house. He’s talking to her as if she’s an acquaintance renting a room. It does not register that she is not just some kid, she is my child (formerly ours). There’s a disconnect somewhere, because although he would move mountains to help our mutual children, right now he views her as just another adult and it somehow does not register with him that I too will always help MY children. The other problem is that she is more emotionally mature and more intelligent then all of us, and the current situation is boiling over. All because she is another adult who stood up to him and she can easily pick him apart and point out his failings. He does not enjoy being wrong.
On top of all of this, this whole situation has made me someone I am not. He is very well equipped to frustrate me and wind me up to the point I lose my self control and become verbally abusive as well. I don’t like this. I don’t like this stress. I don’t like how angry I am all the time. I don’t like the depression that has developed over the years.
I have tried. I’ve taken into account all the extenuating circumstance. I understand that his faults might be caused by something not fully under his control. I am miserable. Our kids are miserable. I basically told him something has to change quickly because I do not want to end up hating him. It feels like it’s ending, I know how fragile he really is, he has no clue how fragile he is, and this will make everything worse for him, and I have so much guilt about it.
It would have been much easier on everybody I think if I stuck to my core values and left him in the beginning.