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Look, I was very much like you when I was younger. I had an anxious attachment style and it wasn’t healthy. It sounds like you may have separation anxiety. I’m not a psychologist and if it’s available maybe a little therapy would do you some good.
Take some time to yourself, work on that first then go back into the dating pool. You won’t feel so anxious and you’ll feel much better too
Depends. Do you have evil eyes when you get mad?
Who do you think is in the wrong?
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You go and make a new memory.
If you go and all you do is obsess about your ex, then you are not over her, and it's unfair to be in a relationship until you figure out how to move on. Or at the very least, tell your current gf you still love your ex, and let her decide if she wants to continue being with you.
Another yes vote from a guy.
She shouldn't have to do that though. He should respect her very reasonable request.
She’d probably still want to go with her dad tho
Good point! Except he’s been making me go to dumb events bc he wants to be friends w these people (before the business was even an idea) and they always lack respect for him. I can’t say he’s supported me in similar events either, which – over time – has put me in the position I’m in now. (I know I didn’t mention this in my post – I don’t feel like it was relevant).
So am I now required to go to any of his business partners events now: birthdays, baby showers, weddings???? Because definitely not.
If you don’t give her space, she will break up with you.
He'll never change as long as you stay with him. He'll never start making an effort in your relationship, because you put up with it and tear yourself apart to keep it together. The closest he's ever come to having consequences is you saying you aren't happy and accepting “I'm sorry, I've never been good at relationships” as a response.
If he gets dumped for being a selfish jerk a few times, he'll learn to get better at relationships. Or he'll be single forever. Either way, let him be someone else's problem.
Girl you have it all and this guy is a loser. Find you a man who is your partner, who respects and cherishes you. I promise there are out there. Staying with a guy like this is dragging you down. Don’t waste any more of your precious life with a guy like this.
That is perfect the lawyer, a separation agreement, and go on your own for a while.
I don't see this as controlling issue. I feel its more around a male partner to not wanting their female partner to go out to club's\pub and flirt and get attention from other men and also risk of roofies in getting spiked in the drink.
I think there's a middle ground here, you could both go together say hi to everyone say happy birthday then if your BF needs to leave early he can and you can chose to stay or leave with him.
Reading comprehension is apparently not a skill of yours. If you find me such an immense AH you can block me if you want. But that doesn’t change the fact that you don’t sound mentally stable and it would benefit you in the long run to get therapy. If saying that makes me an asshole so be it. Sure i could have been nicer about it but you started out being obnoxious in your post and comments so i only matched that vibe. And its cute how you complain about me making assumptions about your character when you are doing the exact same thing. Guess we can add Hypocrisy to the list. And i am not arguing for arguments sake. Because this is an advice subreddit and wether you like the advice or not, i am allowed to give it. Its not my problem if you disagree with it
I could not even finish reading this.
If I was your gf, my IMMEDIATE concern would be if you even felt like going out. In fact, I would say let's stay in and chill. If you were ready to go out, let's fucking go, but not a single thought in my mind would be anything other than your comfort and safety.
JFC what is wrong with your gf?! I don't want to be that redditor and run straight to ending it, but the narcissism and thoughtlessness on her part is stunning. You ok, bro? You think she'll get better after this shit? You deserve better than that.
Everyone deserves better than that.
Are you going to couples therapy yet?
Does that actually work?
Now you know where you stand. Time to reevaluate and pick you. She clearly doesn’t feel the same way about you. That’s good information for you to know who to prioritize in your life.
U/ebbie45 is amazing
My perspective of what you’ve written at a high level is that you are frustrated with the lack of overall motivation from her and bc of that you’re angry when she complains about not being paid more bc you feel like you’re busting your ass and she’s not. And this lack of motivation is entering your safe space (gym time) now. I know people are giving you shit about age difference so I won’t speak on that.
So, next time it comes up, sit down with her and talk to her about the work life balance thing. Ask her what she’s missing and what she thinks she should do to orchestrate that time for herself. Maybe there are things you’re not aware of. Maybe helping her find that “me” time will help reduce her stress and there will be less complaining. Speaking from experience I was so exhausted and just mentally drained that even though I wanted “me” time I literally had no brain cells left to even think about it much less get up and do it. Yet I still brought it up bc I was frustrated with myself and I needed to vent. My BF was just being too literal when trying to help with saying “so just go do XYZ!” when I just needed an outlet that didn’t cost $150 a visit. He totally missed the mark but at least he was listening. Point being is you won’t really know the whys until you ask.
As far as the job pay and differences go, the comments may just be her verbalizing her insecurities about making less than you. If this really bothers you so much use it as an opportunity to show her how lucky she is compared to other people (do NOT use yourself as the example). She may have an easy job to you but she may not be happy with it. If that’s the case, encourage her to look elsewhere.
And lastly, the gym thing… boundaries my friend. Tell her flat out that that is your “me” time to relax and detox or whatever and that while you appreciate her wanting to join you, she needs to go on her own and you guys can do something else together (take a class once every couple weeks or something). You can figure that out.
Ma'am. Reading for pleasure means reading whatever gives you pleasure. I'm a lawyer too and devour those trashy smutty romance novels when i want a break. If your boyfriend is angry at you for not reading Plato to wind down, then he is a snobbish prick who is very very narrow minded, let alone very controlling. I am concerned by the fact that you think this act requires so much apologising and guilt when it needs none of that at all. Has it been a general pattern in your relationship for him to blow seemingly small things out of proportion? Because let me tell you that's a control tactic. A partner should not be judging your worth on the basis of what books you're reading. You're a lawyer, you did all that was required to become a lawyer and now you're doing all that is required to continue working as a lawyer so you already have the intellectual abilities. You did all that. No imposter here. Reading romance novels isn't going to take away from your intellectual abilities. Please consider therapy for these feelings of inadequacy. You need to own and be proud of your accomplishments and you need to stand up for yourself in such situations.
This. People let their ego’s prevail over what’s best for their family. It’s sad. Op’s wife is almost thirties and already has three kids. What does she want? Another lover? More kids? Move to NYC and live a Sex In The City lifestyle? Bang another chad every weekend? Is any of that really worth giving up a family with three kids for? Sometimes I feel people watch Netflix or Instagram and they get this image in their head that their life sucks and true happiness is just around the corner and all they have to do is destroy everything good in their life’s— it’s pathetic.
The accountability is you leaving.
This guy: “I don't like people that aren't me seeing my hot partner”
You, absolute genius: “You are just insecure lol”
The human race deserves extinction if this bullshit can ever be said unironically.
Don't know if you want a guys opinion on this, but wear what makes you feel good and tell your boyfriend he needs to get over HIS insecurities.
Walk away, if they ain't sleeping together he sure as hell trying to just be honest.
Say
' I don't think this is going to work you lied to my face.. I know you knew she was back in town that why I asked you… you asked her to lunch, then lied to my face, so for that reason and many others were you made me feel uncomfortable to situate her is the reason we are over… I've been through this before and I ain't going through it again, I'd rather just walk away now before I get deeper into this mess, your relationship with her is inappropriate, and the fact she acts like some jealous girlfriend around me tells me all I need to know, that either ya'll are sleeping together or are well on your way too… I don't care to hear any reasoning from you, my trust and respect for you died when you lied to my face about not know she was back. I hope in your next relationship you establish some boundaries with her so it doesn't end the same… Good luck with that'
Then just block him.. He too old to be acting this stupid over a female friend.
Yep, dump him. He doesn't deserve you. Let him regret his decision. He isn't your problem anymore.
Well, OP, I (48M) can tell you this – at least he's being honest. I'm just going to be direct here – please don't take offense: I have never seen a relationship work out once the word, “break” is mentioned. You are together or you are not. You are in university, 20yo, and have been together 6 months. How long have you known him, total?
You mention a significant amount of challenges for you both in your post, OP. Challenges that would be difficult in a seasoned 10-year relationship, much less 6 months. Everyone “fights for their relationship” in different ways, at different times. With everything you both have going on in your lives, adding another level of commitment right now, may be more difficult than you think.
I LOVE your optimism, OP – truly. It will serve you well in life. Here's the big lesson I have learned – the hot way: (and it is particularly difficult for optimistic people to adhere to): Don't try to “force” anything. Go with the flow, and much like hiking, that flow or pace is determined by the slowest participant, so to speak. That feels like him right now, based on what you posted. THAT'S NOT A BAD THING! In fact, it may save you both a shit-ton of hassle and heartache later.
I think in this case, based on what you posted, to answer your questions:
I would say, “Yes – you absolutely can and will recover from a worst-case scenario.” I'm not convinced that this has to be worst-case, though. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, does it? Try not to think of it that way. – relationships are more like a Salvador Dali painting, than an Ansel Adams photo (B&W). they twist and turn, and if you want the best chance of it working, you have to bend sometimes.
Go separate ways for the summer with no strings. Let him know that you would love to keep in touch, but that you will leave that method and frequency to him – he will need to be the one to reach out, as you don't want to add pressure to everything else he's dealing with. Tell him that you want to support him. If you get too upset and put pressure on him, he may finally acquiesce to your wishes, but it will be out of obligation, and not from his heart – that is NOT what you want – you want it to be from his heart, and it has to be if it is going o work out longer-term.
“Can [you] recover from him not knowing if he wants you in his life or not?” Absolutely, yes. He's not flat-out saying he doesn't, and he is being honest about the stress an LDR will put on him, and the relationship, on top of everything else he's got going. And make no mistake, OP – LDRs are really difficult. I see this as a sign of respect for you, OP. He doesn't want to mess with your head or heart. THAT is a good sign in either a bf or friend – either way, you win, as long as you don't push him away with pressure.
Head home, focus on yourself this summer. Hit the gym, get in some therapy sessions once a week, hang out with all your hometown friends, family, and have fun. Hopefully he calls, but even if not, you will be working on yourself, and will return to uni in the fall a better person regardless of his attentions.
I know how naked this is, brother. Been there. Just take a deep breath, and try to be very conscious of any pressure you may be placing on him. That is the worst thing you can do right now. Tell him how you feel, and that he is worth your time and patience to you, and that anything you can do to support him you will. Then, see where you are in the fall.
Feel free to DM if you want – happy to help in any way I can.