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Birth Date: 1998-04-14
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I was the problem for my relationship. I did actually get diagnosed adhd 5 years into my now 7 year (3 married) partnership. However, I was 25-29 when I was really bad at sharing the mental load and being able to create a partnership instead of a parent/child or manager/employee relationship. 34 is… old, for that kind of neglect of knowledge. I'm 32 now, im not perfect by any measure, but I have systems in place and structure to help me be the person who remembers and does rather than the person who gets told to do things/think/plan/organize/socially carry/manage/be mature.
I want to say that he can work on these issues, I have, so really anyone can. I want to say that he will change and become a more independent and mature person. But. It will take an incredible amount of persistence and desire to better himself for himself, not for you, to actually make it stick.
When I got diagnosed my partner was about a month or one good “wait… you don't know that???” away from leaving, which meant divorce. Diagnosis helped her understand why I was having problems with the tasks I did (making appointments, organizing dates, managing money, understanding taxes/credit/budgeting, maturity… etc etc.) Even though I cooked most days, worked, did the shopping because she would get overwhelmed, took care of her when she was sick (even if I was too) taking care of our dog, cleaning… I didn't understand that doesn't matter as it has nothing to do with load and managing anything, its just… part of life.
I spent a lot of time reading books like “the second shift” and anything I could find about mental load and I still fuck it up sometimes.
He sounds like someone who wishes to please you. I can relate. But he can't do this to please you, it just doesn't work like that (trust me, I tried that myself, that was what was leading to my partner leaving…). He has to want to improve himself separate of your approval/love or he will just work on things when you remind him to work on them…. (again…. been there….) which isn't what you want, I imagine.