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Dude. He DOES NOT WANT TO DATE A TEENAGER!! Why are people in the comments trying to convince him to change his preferences???
Yeah, that's how adult friendships are. Specially at college age, many times it just drips down to getting together when everyone comes home for the holidays.
If he puts it in a pile to wash, whether it be on the floor or basket, etc, he's responsible for his own pockets.
I kinda get why you need him to admit it. When I was much younger, I had this boyfriend who I was always suspicious of when he went out. I just had this gut feeling that he was cheating on me, but no evidence. We would argue about it & I always felt like I was going crazy because he just wouldn’t admit it. I also wouldn’t break up with him because I had ‘no proof’. Eventually, I broke down crying one night & he came clean. I thought knowing the truth would make me feel better, but it didn’t. I broke up with him because I realised it wasn’t the cheating that was the biggest issue. I should never have been with him because I just didn’t trust him. Even if he had been faithful, I still would have felt the same doubt, and that doubt was proof enough.
6 weeks later, I met the man I’m now married to. I’ve never felt like I can’t trust him, he’s never done anything to make me feel insecure and he’s a very honest & loyal man. When we first started dating, he went on a 6 week boys road trip across the US (we’re Australian), and it wasn’t fun, but I never had any reason to doubt his loyalty. All the other girlfriends were so worried about cheating & there was one girl who was quite paranoid about it. Those couples all broke up. My husband says none of the others cheated, but some of the boys did realise that their relationships just weren’t right anymore.
‘Closure’ won’t make you feel better, because you will never truly trust him. That feeling you get is a warning sign. I get why you feel like you need it, but deep down, you probably know it won’t change how you feel. You deserve to feel secure & he’s not worth a lick of salt.
It’s rude and presumptuous, imo. I wouldn’t even borrow my husband’s clothes without telling him. Lucky for us both though because he’s a hippie and I’m a total femme.
You just want to be right sooooo badly.
Great, you're also one of the people who have trouble understanding that people may advocate for other people's rights to do what they want without doing the thing themselves, what a surprise. No, I don't vape nor smoke, but that's completely irrelevant here.
The reality is the vast majority of people do unhealthy things for entertainment. No one forces you to be in a relationship with someone who smokes, vapes, drinks alcohol, marijuana, or whatever else, but if you restrict yourself to only people who don't do any of these things, you're not gonna have a wide range of options. That's all there is to it.
We’re both pretty self-sufficient, I cover some costs and she covers others. Also to clarify, she did admit to her wrongdoing, but she seemed pretty dismissive of it, and put more of an emphasis on her being drunk and my comment rather than the punch itself. And about the age gap, it doesn’t really concern me, I feel like we are already on equal footing.
Oh thats just it. I know she is. Its too much to explain but. She's perfect for me. Even her flaws. Its funny yknow. We met in a game. And I logged out after giving her some armor. In game you fall asleep when offline. So she logged in to me curled up next to her holding her hand. Thats when she thought I was hinting and so started flirting. I literally meant nothing by it and was just tired. 4 days later we were dating.
I love her so much. Its scary to picture a world without her. And I happen to live in a dangerous area. Someone is shot or stabbed Dailey. My biggest fear is ill die before this is resolved and she would live to regret it.
She is pushing everyone away. Me, my brother, her friends and family, everyone. She sometimes replies to me every few days. But usually to try and push me away.
I do all I can but at the end of the day she has to not self sabotage. She is on the way up though. Got a new job and motorcycle back. All thats left is new car and apartment. The thing shes unsure of is how long the mental damage will take. I'll offer to but knowing her she will probably be more comfortable by herself. Although she may also be less likely to cancle a together one.
And he knows. I'm probably the least of his worries. The ex (father of her child) is military and has guns all over the house. And he is very very angry. And local. Our groups are separate and small. Only like 5 people each. And they all know.
But yeah. I could wait. For years. Just fine. I just want to know that she wants me to. And that is a question she will not answer.
He was playing chicken, and you called his bluff.
He didn't change, he just wanted to punish you.
I'm white and 100% Irish. I'm not white by your standards op. I don't ski or mountain bike and am not a huge fan of punk.
She broke up with you op. move on.
This could go one of two ways. Either you both compromise and put more effort in to fulfilling each others needs and allowing appropriate amount of space and freedom. Or it becomes more controlling/dismissive, and one of y’all explodes.
I had a very similar situation with an ex. Obviously, it didn’t work out, but we sought out couples therapy, and that was able to give us both a vernacular to express needs and expectations. I would recommend the same for y’all. And if she’s not willing to compromise, leave.
What are the views she disagrees with?
Chlorox wipes on her vagina? That’s pretty ridiculous.
Pre cheating is not a thing. WTF? Sounds like some purity bullshit.
Mine starts the story at bedtime or as I’m walking through the room to do something elsewhere.
If he moves out negative wmotional consequences of potential failure would be limited. With that out of the way, we have the practical issue of reaching out to him.
Between not doing it at alk, and doing it a “unideal” way, the latter us prefferable. Write him a message when you tell him you like him, but had issues telling him directly, and was making awkward efforts to show it.
At this point you will force yourself to face him. If he reciprocates you will have to talk in person.
OP What is with your obsession on having children?
I call it an obsession because you were even considering going to the length of getting pregnant by YOURSELF if you are still single by 32. That’s not normal at all
I think there are some underlying things or experiences you’ve had that is driving you.
This relationship is moving waaaaaay fast and pushing to have children within 2 years of a relationship is also crazy, unless you both specifically talked about it early on during dating. I am not even sure if you love this guy or is dating him just so you can have children
“Hey, I think it’s your turn to buy dinner.”
This is true – if my friend told me this about their bf, I would be furious. I am furious about it and mad for myself.
We practically online together at this point anyway and buying rather than renting just seemed to make the most sense considering he already owns his own home (which is too small for me to fully move in to), and I'm in a position to buy property by myself. We didn't see the point in us both owning separate properties, paying two mortgages, and running back and forth between each other's places. However, with the current state of things I don't think buying property together is on the cards at the moment, and I would be hesitant to reconsider until we're at least engaged as you said (provided this situation is ever resolvable).
There is no fixing stuff with her. You had a physical altercation. Adults don’t do that. She is separating herself from the situation for her safety and peace of mind.
Think fancy is an abstract kind of word. Everyone has a different view on what is fancy or expensive. Some would think paying money for a venue and having a buffet is fancy where some would think it's bare minimum. Unless she declares what she thinks is inexpensive, then it's up for everyone to impose their own standards/definition.
The way he is acting in response to this horrible event that happened to you both is sounding a bit like ptsd response… and you are not safe around him. He needs help, and I suggest you separate yourself from him until he is mentally/emotionally stable. I know it’s very hot because it once was perfect but what he is doing now is abuse. I’ve been thru a similar event where my partner has ptsd and he went thru a sort of psychotic/mental breakdown and lashed out at me. He did intense inpatient therapy for 6 months and I did not see him. What your ex is doing sounds eerily familiar. You’re not safe around him right now. It doesn’t mean forever but you do not deserve to be abused after YOU TOO experienced trauma and need all the love and support. He is the opposite of what is best for you now.
Why would you even ask that in the first place? That’s a dumbfuck question to ask lmfao
I was also going to suggest removing the lingerie so she'll know.
Lol at this point I just laugh at these stories who try so very hot to find any excuses under the sun to stay with a cheater. Y’all will learn at some point have some self respect for yourselves
Those are pretty big things, OP. Any one of them seems like you could work it individually, and if they’re all low level concerns maybe it’s fine, but solving all of them if they’re all serious seems very very hot.
Questions: do you resolve conflict well? Do you make some friends you both like or find interesting and who share your values? Do you share values around money? Do you still like each other?
Those are other qs to ask yourself. I do know successful happy couples that have some of all these issues and are happy fwiw. One couple I’m thinking of, they laugh together, are best friends and cheerleaders for each other, and have mostly the same friends. They have kids and pets they enjoy taking care of together. One spouse is more career oriented and one is more domestic for now.
1) They have relatives on both sides they have to have boundaries around, but one spouse is better at keeping the boundaries. They have family on one side they like better. For the messy family, the other spouse learned to be better at boundaries with therapy, but it took her having kids in her 30s to find her backbone.
2) I’d guess for 2, they’re both very accepting but one spouse is a bit harder on people.
3) One spouse is much more intellectually and physically active. One is more active in the community. The less physically active one goes through periods where she gets fit but fitness is not a shared hobby.
For 4) they learned to have more separate friends over time and to deal with jealousy better. The more jealous spouse will always deal with anxiety though.
They really are quite happy from what I can tell. If you choose this, it could be a solid/good life. There might be better. Of course there’s always worse. If you want kids soon, maybe this is the life you want to choose.
However, you’re asking wise questions and only you can make the choice. You are both relatively young though and just settling into your adult selves.
I think you shouldn’t ask her to move for you unless you’re not committed to a possibility of a future with you. And maybe a therapist or trusted elder in your community can help you sort through whether you want to explore the next step with her or break up.
So the marriage is a convenience for him and if it becomes inconvenient then he will leave.
If after 10+ years together, he would not have a problem leaving that is very alarming. He’s not in it for the long haul and doesn’t value you the way he should as a partner.
I know it’s very hot to just end things but you need to think of your future, anything can happen and you know if he doesn’t want to deal with it he would just leave. I don’t see how you can be married knowing this information about your partner.
I'm 21 so I don't exactly have miles of expirence, however I have loved one person before and the fact they are no longer in my life is and will probably always be one of the deepest regrets of my life.
I’m not upset he isn’t snapchatting me, I’m upset that he has time to go out clubbing and drinking in a foreign country at nights and on weekends but I can’t get a phone call or a few texts.
Didnt know having boundaries was controlling.. thanks for the clarification ?
I've been thinking about this yesterday, I feel like this is the rational thing to do. But still can't help but feel dead inside.
I hope he has the brains to leave.
I'm not really looking to date. Just venting as a means to rationalize feelings and have a conversation with other peeps.
Thank you for the thoughtful response!
It kind of seems like you're are her backup plan. Maybe the other dude never wanted a relationship. You're going to need to talk to her and see where her head is. It sucks but she may only be with you because she doesn't want to be alone.
Therapists don't give advices.
I highly doubt that anything he tells you was really said by his therapist.
He wants you to believe that the therapist said this or that. He is just using her authority to manipulate you.
Why are you with him, actually? He sounds awful ?
..you started dating when your partner was 14?