17 thoughts on “Sexybbianca live! sex cams for YOU!”
You were together 2 months. That's not even long enough to know if you're great together. He most likely realized he wanted out and that's how he did it.
Managing BPD is actually not just about “validate, validate, validate” as somebody else said because validation in the wrong context reinforces maladaptive thinking, subsequent distress, and the resultant behaviors. Effective treatment focuses on establishing very clear boundaries then reinforcing adaptive thinking/behaviors and WITHHOLDING (this does not equate to punishment) reinforcement for maladaptive ones. This is why PD treatment in general requires a trauma-informed third party who can establish these boundaries at the outset and stringently, consistently, and compassionately uphold them over relatively long periods of time (6-24 months) to allow the individual to internalize more accurate and adaptive working models for relationships.
All that being said, it is extremely difficult if not impossible for individuals in an intimate relationship with somebody that has BPD to adequately provide the type of context that is most conducive to long term stability while mired in the middle of the maladaptive relationship dynamics, even if they are relatively mental health literate. It would require a total reset of already established patterns that is likely going to feel cold, tense, and distressing to both parties. The pitfalls of then becoming the de facto therapist, parental figure, and “bad guy” in the relationship are numerous.
Have an open conversation with your gf and restate the facts (e.g., old relationship, unintentional remnants,etc.) then clearly state your intention in and feelings about your relationship with her (obviously don’t lie). Resist the temptation to start justifying, rationalizing, or fixing the likely pull you will get from her regarding how events or your perceived behaviors are making her feel – use “I” statements and mostly listen to validate her current experiences rather than the skewed working models that generated the distress. That can hopefully get you on a track to talk about how to manage getting triggered in your relationship moving forward; concurrent individual/couples therapy is strongly recommended but I am more than mindful that getting high quality long-term mental healthcare is a pipe dream unless you’re already wealthy in many countries.
If continuing with your relationship is not what you decide, which in and of itself is totally okay because boundaries are different for people and managing that is a key part of life in general, then much of the same as above applies but without the follow up on how to deal with inevitable triggers down the road. Remember that you can be compassionate and are responsible for what behaviors (verbal/nonverbal) you contribute but are not responsible for her past and how she feels; this all models balanced working models even if it does not feel that way in the moment.
Buying another women an expensive gift is weird af. She is a right to be creeped out. And after being neglected for so long and caring for a man baby maybe she felt she deserved to let loose a little. She was probably heartbroken and trying to sooth the ache you inflicted on her.
Leave her alone. She needs someone better. Unless you feel like you can actually be better.
But you don’t get to hold her hookup over her head if you go back. Leaving was your choice and so is returning (if she will even have you).
You seem pretty clueless to be 32. This is a wake up call to grow up?
That was acknowledged several times in the post so thanks for pointing out the well established obvious the question is what the hell am I supposed to do with this information
Im not going to say we didnt have arguments and stuff like that and i had just gotten off of a underway with the navy during that time but no argument was that detrimental like we broke up or to have sex and to take it a step farther and get pregnant and not even have the respect enough to tell me
I'm already having a bad day and reading this and your responses makes me feel so sad. The fucking hand gesture when you are talking too slow?!!!!!!! You're being treated like a bratty child, not a partner. Leave, make yourself feel worth something again. He won't, he'll only make it worse. So many red flags.
Very glad to hear that you don't see all women like that!
I would still argue that it's not helpful to call an adult a child and advocate treating her like one, though. She's not a child. She's an adult with agency. She deserves to be addressed like an adult with agency. I mean “deserves” in both positive and negative ways. It's demeaning, unhealthy and frankly pretty creepy for both parties when one adult treats their romantic partner like a child. But treating her like an adult could very well include some deserved consequences that she doesn't like such as a breakup or at minimum a serious and straightforward conversation about how she's treating him. Acting as if some adults just aren't really adults and so can ethically be disciplined like bratty kids is both an assault on their inherent dignity and a way of them unfairly avoiding adult accountability.
A few things. This woman isn’t a proper therapist (“love therapist”, what?); having a relationship with a client is unethical as hell (which also suggests she’s not regulated by a governing body), and her continuing to have sessions with him and then the two of you suggests she’s just meddling. Also “diagnosed anxious love avoidant” isn’t a thing; love avoidant isn’t a diagnosis. This woman is a charlatan and you need her out of your life. Please both get a proper regulated therapist.
I am gonna tell you something someone once said with me that really resonated…. “It can be naked to make the right decision sometimes, but it's usually really fucking easy not the make the worst decision.”
With a series of absolutely terrible decisions you shit all over your house and your job. You need an exit strategy from both. I would say first from the job, then from the affair, then from the relationship.
You are 30 now. Your window for making awful life choices that you can recover from is closing very very fast. Stop using the excuse that's just who you are and get your shit together
ABSOLUTELY! It's going in the post, I have no interest in stupid games. Anything to de-escalate this behaviour. I have already sent one of the group a message for a chat. thanks for the guidance.
You were together 2 months. That's not even long enough to know if you're great together. He most likely realized he wanted out and that's how he did it.
Managing BPD is actually not just about “validate, validate, validate” as somebody else said because validation in the wrong context reinforces maladaptive thinking, subsequent distress, and the resultant behaviors. Effective treatment focuses on establishing very clear boundaries then reinforcing adaptive thinking/behaviors and WITHHOLDING (this does not equate to punishment) reinforcement for maladaptive ones. This is why PD treatment in general requires a trauma-informed third party who can establish these boundaries at the outset and stringently, consistently, and compassionately uphold them over relatively long periods of time (6-24 months) to allow the individual to internalize more accurate and adaptive working models for relationships.
All that being said, it is extremely difficult if not impossible for individuals in an intimate relationship with somebody that has BPD to adequately provide the type of context that is most conducive to long term stability while mired in the middle of the maladaptive relationship dynamics, even if they are relatively mental health literate. It would require a total reset of already established patterns that is likely going to feel cold, tense, and distressing to both parties. The pitfalls of then becoming the de facto therapist, parental figure, and “bad guy” in the relationship are numerous.
Have an open conversation with your gf and restate the facts (e.g., old relationship, unintentional remnants,etc.) then clearly state your intention in and feelings about your relationship with her (obviously don’t lie). Resist the temptation to start justifying, rationalizing, or fixing the likely pull you will get from her regarding how events or your perceived behaviors are making her feel – use “I” statements and mostly listen to validate her current experiences rather than the skewed working models that generated the distress. That can hopefully get you on a track to talk about how to manage getting triggered in your relationship moving forward; concurrent individual/couples therapy is strongly recommended but I am more than mindful that getting high quality long-term mental healthcare is a pipe dream unless you’re already wealthy in many countries.
If continuing with your relationship is not what you decide, which in and of itself is totally okay because boundaries are different for people and managing that is a key part of life in general, then much of the same as above applies but without the follow up on how to deal with inevitable triggers down the road. Remember that you can be compassionate and are responsible for what behaviors (verbal/nonverbal) you contribute but are not responsible for her past and how she feels; this all models balanced working models even if it does not feel that way in the moment.
Buying another women an expensive gift is weird af. She is a right to be creeped out. And after being neglected for so long and caring for a man baby maybe she felt she deserved to let loose a little. She was probably heartbroken and trying to sooth the ache you inflicted on her.
Leave her alone. She needs someone better. Unless you feel like you can actually be better.
But you don’t get to hold her hookup over her head if you go back. Leaving was your choice and so is returning (if she will even have you).
You seem pretty clueless to be 32. This is a wake up call to grow up?
That was acknowledged several times in the post so thanks for pointing out the well established obvious the question is what the hell am I supposed to do with this information
I…love that actually. Where are you from?
Very true, I am being so selfish… I'm sad I cant go with him. And also sad I won't see him for 10 days. I'm very emotionally attached to him.
Im not going to say we didnt have arguments and stuff like that and i had just gotten off of a underway with the navy during that time but no argument was that detrimental like we broke up or to have sex and to take it a step farther and get pregnant and not even have the respect enough to tell me
“Get a life” says the person whose posted the same dumbshit to this subreddit 5 times in 45 minutes.
Talk to a lawyer that specializes in housing to have a clear and concise contract.
Also, have a clear convo with gf about expectations. Chores, financials, solo time. Friends and family if they visit.
I assume they’re talking about the hoarding and anxiety.
I'm already having a bad day and reading this and your responses makes me feel so sad. The fucking hand gesture when you are talking too slow?!!!!!!! You're being treated like a bratty child, not a partner. Leave, make yourself feel worth something again. He won't, he'll only make it worse. So many red flags.
Very glad to hear that you don't see all women like that!
I would still argue that it's not helpful to call an adult a child and advocate treating her like one, though. She's not a child. She's an adult with agency. She deserves to be addressed like an adult with agency. I mean “deserves” in both positive and negative ways. It's demeaning, unhealthy and frankly pretty creepy for both parties when one adult treats their romantic partner like a child. But treating her like an adult could very well include some deserved consequences that she doesn't like such as a breakup or at minimum a serious and straightforward conversation about how she's treating him. Acting as if some adults just aren't really adults and so can ethically be disciplined like bratty kids is both an assault on their inherent dignity and a way of them unfairly avoiding adult accountability.
Is she in therapy? Can you get her a gift sub or something to talk space or better help? Does she need help gettimg a psychiatrist?
I’ve said plenty of times I’m rooting for them
A few things. This woman isn’t a proper therapist (“love therapist”, what?); having a relationship with a client is unethical as hell (which also suggests she’s not regulated by a governing body), and her continuing to have sessions with him and then the two of you suggests she’s just meddling. Also “diagnosed anxious love avoidant” isn’t a thing; love avoidant isn’t a diagnosis. This woman is a charlatan and you need her out of your life. Please both get a proper regulated therapist.
I am gonna tell you something someone once said with me that really resonated…. “It can be naked to make the right decision sometimes, but it's usually really fucking easy not the make the worst decision.”
With a series of absolutely terrible decisions you shit all over your house and your job. You need an exit strategy from both. I would say first from the job, then from the affair, then from the relationship.
You are 30 now. Your window for making awful life choices that you can recover from is closing very very fast. Stop using the excuse that's just who you are and get your shit together
ABSOLUTELY! It's going in the post, I have no interest in stupid games. Anything to de-escalate this behaviour. I have already sent one of the group a message for a chat. thanks for the guidance.