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Lol I'm also autistic. I'm almost 30. Being autistic isn't an excuse for being codependent simply because you don't want to be alone.
I'm a little confused – did the test you took a week ago indicate you were pregnant and you're getting a second test to confirm tomorrow, or was the initial test negative but you emailed him that you were suspicious it was inaccurate?
Regardless, from your previous post it sounds like he was quite verbally abusive, excessively jealous, and controlling towards you, but it also sounds like you went too far after the breakup even before getting a pregnancy test. I read that you repeatedly texted and emailed him after he broke up with you despite knowing he blocked you, and also messaged two of his exes and a female coworker in addition to waiting outside his house.
I agree with others regarding the next steps to take legally if you are indeed pregnant, but in the meantime you should really stop trying to contact him. As abusive as he was towards you, your response to the breakup is really not good for either of you. I understand you're in immense pain and scared and hurting, but you should really not be reaching out to people from his past, including an ex from five years ago. As painful as this is for you, he did break up with you and you have to try to accept that.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It will get better, I promise.
He sounds like a potential rapist. Definitely do not try to go out with him again
To get a good read on a girl you can look at her friends and get a general idea of what shes like and it seems they all condone that behavior. Drop her and move on sad to say but she obviously doesn’t care for the relationship like you do.
No unfortunately. If he wants to change he will make the effort and showing the changes right now. If you get married or move in together when he is still like this, you are setting yourself to heartaches. Drugs and gambling, these 2 things are not good for any relationships. The only one who can make him change for the better is himself.
I'm sorry for all that she's been through and the stress you're feeling now bc of this guy attempting to reconnect. I am surprised that she would really want to see him again. I would think she would have him blocked on all socials etc. If she were to go, I would find some sort of arrangement like them going to a coffee shop etc. I would also try to hear why she's so interested in seeing him. I wouldn't want to see or reconect w someone that put me through all that. Life isn't always like the movies, you don't always need closure. She's given herself closure by being sober and doing well. Have a real heart to heart and see if she can be swayed. It might not be for the best for them to reconnect but ofc it would be difficult to stop her/persuade her not to without it being a controlling situation in her mind.
But he didn’t leave though – it’s been 3 years – he has been there for her – he is not a home care nurse – he needs help – and it’s ok to seek it out – He is clearly frustrated and sad and lonely – this would be heartbreaking for any person, male or female or NB
Wait a minute, this post looks familiar?
Updateme!
There are “natural” diamond mines that are ethical.
Tell me about brother! I couldn't agree more!!!
If you're going to have an abortion you better do it ASAP because the laws are very pro life leaning nowadays and it's going to become physically, emotionally and financially harder the longer you wait.
Other option include adoption, foster care or raising the kid (probably alone.)
but he understands me a lot
Or he absolutely remembers, and knows we'd all say we're on his wife's side.
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You need to tell the guy. Now. Seriously fucking now. Do not wait another second. Your friend is a psychopath
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Tell him now
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She is a horrible human being. Don’t even sweat her another second. You got played because you cared. Nothing you can do about that. She owns all the blame.
She has a crush on you.
Alright, thank you so much.
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Yea, do you think he was interested at all or is literally stringing me along while he looks for other options?
You know you could be a curvy goth for a night. That might be fun. Seriously, are you going to police and then judge every thought that he has? Way to push him away.
I'm of the “what's good for the goose is good for the gander” mindset. If there has been another man in the mix, it seems fair to have another woman, too. I also understand that you're not comfortable with it, and this whole thing needs a long serious conversation with your husband.
That’s not holding out hope.
Literally telling him to reach out if he’s back and interested. Is definitely not holding out hope. Especially if he says nothing
Geez.
The articles only asked questions, I'm trying to tell myself what to do by answering them.
Thanks for the support! I feel that you are right WRT following your instincts, which are telling me to go, but my logical side is still skeptical. Hence all the writing.
This is not creative writing, it's a real life situation. It's his best friend, which I've been knowing for two years now and we just spent Christmas at his place. It's a friend of mine as well but I wrote that it's his best friend to highlight the fact that it's one of his closest affections
As naked as it’s going to be please don’t let this run you out of school, talk to someone you’re being bullied.
These people calling you homophobic are completely delusional or are being fed the wrong story. This’ll blow over eventually but it’s going to be tough, I think you’re tougher.
You absolutely do not deserve to be treated like this.
You should have another talk with her and explain to her what is at stake , you are kind of young and if she gets bored this early on it will not become later on
You can also talk to her friend , because maybe her friend thinks she supports a friend and is not an affair(or affair to be)
In the end if you see that she is not trying for the relationship you should start the separation process (not necessarily to go all the way ) so you can show her that she will lose you
If she doesn't care about losing you then i don't think you should fight for someone that doesn't love you
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I can't keep going down this rabbit well of unclicking the downvoted OP replies. It's sufficient, OP sincerely could not accept something nice from his GF due to his own (likely) chauvinistic sense of pride.
Honestly his own personality is so gentle that's why I was willing to put up with any of this in the first place. But he tells me to ignore all her remarks because her past experiences made her into this cynical and self cantered person today, he tried but can't change the way she is. He doesn't expect me to fulfil that fked up “bang-mom-maid” dynamic and understands that everything I do for him is because I want to, not because I owe it to him or anyone else.
I already told him to bring my stuff back to my house this Saturday and I won't go to their place or see her any time soon. But her attitude problem will persist, so it'll be up to him to decide how he wanna play this now.
Defrauded, not coerced. But same result here.
When you marry someone with kids- they become your kids. She isn’t childfree. She just wants a biological child. Idk why I felt I wanted to clarify that
I don’t know because these comments made it worse it just made me angry and now she crying and I don’t think I care anymore about any of this.
bodyweight can be lost, hair cant be regrown, make a fair comparison.
The only thing I can say is, are you prepared to marry this man knowing full well that his brother will continue to be an issue and a priority before you even when it comes to incredibly important events / milestones you're supposed to share together?
His brother is over a decade older than your fiance, a much older big brother. That doesn't mean he can't have health struggles that severely impact his life, even one's that could happen right before your wedding or other big events. But he should have been adamant that his little brother marry the love of his life and celebrate even if he can't attend, and that when he gets better he'll do his best to make it up to the both of you. Instead he tells you to go ahead with the wedding because it's more important then his health, in other words giving you permission to chose yourselves over him. A real big brother in that situation, mental illness or not, would know that there isn't a choice in the first place, the wedding happens.
Woah, she sounds super messy, like clinically messy. Run, man, run.
I want to reach out again, it only has been a couple of days.
I'm sorry op, this is dead and done. You're right, it is your trauma, but he's going through his own emotional struggle watching you refuse to take action against someone who hurt you.
Being that he was in your life when this happened to you, he is naturally going to take it a lot harder than if this were some distant memory you never addressed.
Take the time you need to heal and don't reopen this wound by reaching out to a guy who will not come back.
Does she define your existence? Have you been functioning in life without her?
Gaslighting is lying to make you doubt your own memory or sense perception. He's just being controlling.
Gaslighting is lying to make you doubt your own memory or sense perception. He's just being controlling.
For the love of god DO NOT GET PREGNANT with this man. That’s priority no1. Priority 2 is self esteem and a plan to leave. This must have been so so naked for you. Your stronger than you know.
But you have not given up. You have put in 200%. Over years. You did everything a dedicated wife could possible do and then some. He gave up. And you can leave the innocent party. You have to leave now.
That’s mature of him because there are no guarantees. But as long as he’s willing to try that’s a good sign. Book therapy and take one day at a time. Good luck.
I’m dating him is that bad
doesn't know laundry
Come ON!! Let me be the first to mention weaponised incompetence.
So often in relationships, the older partner goes for someone younger not because they're predatory, but because they're immature or the Peter Pan type. If he's ever described himself as 'mischievous', either run for the hills or resign yourself to being a mother of a very big toddler.
My bf calls me poopstain ??♀️ some guys just like weird nicknames lol
Its a big deal especially when he knows what I like and dont like. I would tell him for example I love this bracelet etc so its kind of disappointing that he doesnt feel like he wants to get something for me that I wanted. I do the same to people I care about
I never know the right things to say anymore.
The time for saying things is long gone. You've shown your (ex?) girlfriend that your word is meaningless. The only shot you have at fixing this is actually doing the things you say you're going to do. There are a ton of resources that are just a Google away that can help you learn how to manage a lot of the issues you list.
He’s not a abusive guy though ,
Here's the issue: You are attributing good personality qualities to his experience of trauma. HE gained those traits on his own. His trauma didn't create them for him.
Trauma doesn't make you a better person its a just a thing that happens. By attributing his good qualities to going through trauma you are dismissing all the work he's done on himself and giving credit to whoever caused the trauma.
i have lots of anxiety and letting him know makes me feel better and i would appreciate it a lot if he would also let me know.
Just tell him that right there. Also take ownership of your anxiety and work on it yourself as well because it is not his problem to manage for you. Getting asked to provide relief gets old quick and will really strain a relationship.
I dont know if its about backbone, I think its more of balancing his feeling and feelings for me. I get that its rough since he wants to keep his family around.
I don't think y'all are compatible.
If she's comfortable with showing her nipples, I'd say, good for her.
I'm older and I'm into wearing modest fashion for myself, tbh, but this is her body, you're talking about. She can choose how she wants to dress herself. Jmo. She's not cheating on you when she's wearing those tops, why do you feel that way?
She's not happy with you in the past when you brought it up, why do you think it'll be different this time around? She'll know what you're trying to push any way you try to frame it. Plus she's not happy with her ex who tried to control the way she dressed, don't you think she will think the same manner with you now if you insist that she's covering herself up ,etc.
That's why I think y'all are not compatible in this, if you can't handle it, you probably should try dating other people.
Posting a comment here in hopes there is an update.
This is too heavy of a question for us to answer for you.
What you need to be doing is going to her to find the answer.
Oh man… I was hoping for some real insanity, not just textbook resentment resulting from not being able to communicate
This has nothing to do with whatever mess was in the kitchen. He obviously feels like he's carrying all the weight and can't use his words like an adult to express that. And you, instead of being an adult, you just say 70% is enough and go fuck yourself. Sounds really healthy.
You two need to have a conversation about expectations.
Seems like it's really fresh, it'll definitely be a learning process. The good news is he has really shown his character in how he has handled this all. I'm sure he has been forced to do a lot of growing and maturing very quickly. Have you tried to talk to him about your needs?
Let’s pretend he’s telling the truth and he does come back. Do you want to continue a relationship with someone this unreliable, inconsistent and just overall this difficult?
For the record: I think he’s hiding something, even if he isn’t he does not respect you and your feelings at all, I think it’s crazy you’re still hanging on to hope and still consider a relationship with him when it’s very clear you mean nothing to him.
Seems the conversation for now is “we'll see”.
You can't possibly know where you two are in three years. You may be able to comfortably gave two properties by then.
If in 3 years you're both together and you have to sell your flat to get a house, then do what you have to do then.
If you know 100% that you'll never sell your flat just in case, then have that conversation and if she doesn't accept that answer, that's fine and you both move on with your lives.
Experts literally say don’t use soap.
this was literally a plotline on melrose place
This is helpful thank you for understanding :’)
There’s no point really……but that being said, take a screenshot of the best evidence you have. Change her Lock Screen to that and change the password to “iamacheater” and delete any face or fingerprint keys.
That’s a good point, thank you. I’ll start tomorrow by bringing her her favorite coffee. Thanks for replying.
Oh thankyou. I’m still very new to relationship. So per say, I shouldn’t feel like that right? Advice me on things I could perhaps work on, if you don’t mind.
Too many changes in your life. You need to figure your shit out before jumping into any relationship.
She did you a favor now turns the tables and ghost her indefinitely. She is with him right now anyway.
Exactly, that phrasing kind of irritates me. He's totally in the right about her hurting herself on and on and burdening him with her emotional turmoil, but the title definitely doesn't fit the rest of the post.
If you don’t stop this now it will get worse when you get Married and even more so if you have children. It will get between you and your future husband.
She continued to date around until she decided the OP was the one. Why is that cheating?
Involve the police if it escalates is my advice
Your parents have already proven that they have no intentions of protecting you from him
Absolutely this, OP.
You could just do better….better than her that is. What a mean girl!
Why do they even know you have a guy best friend? And why all 4? I don't think I've ever mentioned specific friends on a first date. Such an odd thing to bring up in the first place.
Yep
I have zero need to mention who my BFF is on a first date…..and OP has managed to do it 4 different times. Huge red flag even if she doesn't understand why.
She doesn’t need to give you a reason – it’s no longer working for her should be all you need
She doesn't love you anymore. Sucks but that is the reality, people grow older and apart and change.
Definitely mental illness involved. I would bar her from coming home until she seeks aid. Possibly get a restriction order since she assaulted you.
People are either honest or dishonest.
This guy is dishonest .
For most of us who are presentable and been in or are in relationships we get approached sometimes in a forward way sometimes subtly by others.
Most honest people would say im in a relationship , I’ve got a bf or gf, thanks but no thanks….This guy didnt with you before you were a couple, he no doubt hasn’t when a woman has casually shown interest whilst you’ve been in a relationship and in view of this info won’t in the future.
The ex has been loyal to sisters as many women are . She has done so in the risk of criticism. She has reached out for good reasons and provided proof.
Please don’t refer to this as a whim . The person supposedly you are putting your faith in has lied continually to you .
There is NO justification. You’ve been lead on.
Pick yourself up and make the right choices.
Good luck
Changing medication to solve the sex drive issue can be complicated, and could take time to find the right balance or may not happen.
And yes it would be a huge change. But, the alternative is either breaking up or developing resentment overtime and breaking up (of course you can stay very close despite being broken up if that's something you want). But the point is, it's an alternative to a circumstance which doesn't sound functional at least at the moment, a lesser of two evils (if that's how you want to look at it), a way to maintain your romantic relationship while acknowledging the realities of your dynamic.
He is aware that I'm moving away but wouldn't breaking up right now be irresponsible of me to do? It's too close to the exams for either of us to replenish some semblance of emotional stability and I won't get to see him in person until March 31st because of our different exam schedules, and I find breaking up over text very demeaning considering what we have. I feel a little trapped, but would you still recommend breaking up right now?
Wait till you see how much money they waste on the administrators that force doctors to do all this bs.
Many of them make more than the doctors who actually went to med school. The medical field is so fucked up.
Nooooo
This is important to Eastern European people especially, I believe. Your girlfriend is polish and she would’ve had a right to be upset… IF she communicated that this was something that was important to her, which she didn’t.
This will come across as harsh , and I know you are in pain. But really, she is only a kid and is not even an adult. Did you honestly believe that she was only going to stay with you?
Who knows if what she is telling you is even the truth or just trying to let you down gently, at her age she may not even know herself.
Let her go and grow and see what the world holds for her and with other people.
Maybe after seeing what else the world holds she could come back and see where you are in your growth.
I know you are in pain , but believe it or not you will also be better off for the life experience to see what else is out there.
But each time I have to assert them, it's a fight. I'm called selfish and disappoint them.
First they’re narcissists. You can’t win. Ever. It’s a mental affliction. So stop fighting with them. If you give them info that they don’t like, and they start berating you, cut the conversation immediately. Just say, I gotta go, and hang up. Don’t stay to listen to their whining. But since they suffer from this affliction, you should keep the personal information at a minimum. Also, get some therapy sessions in to work out your side of this unhealthy parent-child relationship.
ohmygod i misread the post as two weeks sober and i was wondering why nobody caught how weird it was that they got back together and engaged after only two weeks of sobriety
Was this while you were together?
Time to move on, he’s actively trying to cheat and these are the times you’ve just caught him. Not much else to do, you can cry and make demands, set boundaries etc but ultimately you have a boyfriend that is going to seek out other men on dating apps, once you accept that, then you realise anything else is a waste of time.
The key thing is he must not want to do it…but he obviously does and will keep on…the risk of getting caught (he’ll just try to get better at hiding his cheating) doesn’t outweigh his need to do it. Outside of saying “ok you have a pass to explore with men let’s open the relationship” any constraints are a waste of time and you’re delaying the inevitable
You sat on her lap?
Sounds like he needs to be in therapy for his self-esteem issues
You did not mess up, you saved yourself a lot of wasted time. What many people don't seem to understand is that a relationship is not a game. You shouldn't have to finesse and trick people into wanting be with you, the relationship should be built on clear established goals an values. He has shown you Clearly you are in two different places and that is good.
Him saying he still wants to see you, is him saying he still wants the benefits of a standard relationship(in other words the kitty) without the commitment. Walk away free and clear on this one.
You can. You will get over him. Hell, being away from him in Vienna will show you how much fun you can have without him.
That is a very cold way to think of things quite frankly. That doesn't take into account other people's feelings, and how their actions could effect others in the moment. There is such thing as a bro code. He could've picked anyone else in the entire world, but he chose to go for the one person who hurt me in more ways than one. It hurts. That's just not the right thing to do, and is not justified in anyway shape or form. You don't have sex with your friends ex, unless for some reason that boundary was discussed prior and all parties were chill with it.
You are only hurting yourself by staying with her. You aren’t saving anyone.
Same, that relationship cost me almost everything, including my life. And as an adult I wish someone had loved me enough to help.
You’re delusional and in denial. He has done this for years and you forgive him over and over again. He knows he can do whatever he wants because his wife has never left him for it. He does not respect you. You need to respect yourself and leave this idiot.
Hey known his friends for waaaay longer than he knows you and how you start crying?
I would have made extra ? noises and laughed.
Women ☕(expect the cool ones)
You are absolutely right.
He raped you. Saying sorry doesn't make up for that. He knew exactly what he was doing and you need to get away from him because he will do it again.
I knew girls did stuff like that, but don’t really see it from girls in relationships. (Her roommate is not in one). it makes me uncomfortable because I don’t understand why A. they feel so comfortable doing things like that a foot away from me and B if I expressed my discomfort why they continue to do it. And the kisses were weird, for anyone. Like a kiss on the cheek I would not be jealous but 5 in a row is weird, im sorry lol.
Was he like that before getting married?
People are saying “go be single” bc it sounds like that’s what you want. No one wants to be married to a guy who who would rather play video games, watch sports, and go to bars with his friends, at 30+ years old, than be with her. If you’d rather be single, you shouldn’t have married her. And honestly, that sounds like it’s a what’s you want. You sound like you’re 20 and don’t want to grow up. Which is your choice, but yeah, you should leave her so she can find someone who wants an actual adult relationship and doesn’t have to compete with video games and bar hopping in her 30s.
OMG A BABY IS NOY A POSSESSION TO BE SHARED! How many times do posters have to tell you that for you to get it through your thick skull?????
Dude, you could work and then go to get your degree, the problem in here is that you want your father to pay for it, which I understand sadly He is refusing. Either marry or put the grown up pants and take responsibility for your life.
I am half English and have family in London and have been going there my whole life so plenty of ties. I would have the ability to support myself there. My desire to hear from people that have been in this particular situation is because it is an extremely common situation and hearing from people who have done it, wether successfully or not, is useful. Unlike hearing from people who have in fact no idea what they are talking about as they have never done it before. The fact that you think it would turn toxic or abusive seems like a naked projection on your relationships. But thank you for your opinion
It’s how he is and his personality .
Yours isn't unusual at all. I live! in Scotland. People fuck off to the hills weekly and monthly.
Every month I have one weekend where I do absolutely nothing but sleep and chill. I absolutely need that. Every 2 months would burn me out. Keep your monthly get away and tell your boyfriend to fuck off. It's controlling how clingy he is and argumentative. I'd personally leave him the next time he blows up. Then go on a long weekend get away glamping before taking 2 weeks holiday glamping to make up for the additional stress you've had to suffer.
Lol you know a quarter of the country live! in thr boonies right? What an elitist thing to say.
We've had plenty of conversations. She asked if I would wait a while, and I agreed, but I never expected a year. She used to not be able to spread her legs very well. Once we discovered that she could, her attitude shifted to where she doesn't fear it anymore.
I feel like porn is so normalized in society but I hate it and I feel like it’s hurting my relationship.
It's actually not normal or normalized to be addicted to porn. Porn addicts try to normalize it, and the people who enable them do, too – but most adults do not have problems with porn that impact their ability to have genuine, connected, intimate relationships.
Has your husband sought treatment for his addiction?
If not, why do you stay?
And he’s dripping with disgust about it. Why she may or may not have gained weight is not made better by someone reacting this way. The way he speaks about her is not loving.
I got my permanent retainer fixed at an orthodontist office a few weeks ago and also received this. It threw me off bc I’m 31 with tattoos and had my wedding ri g other jewelry on.. super weird and agreed kind of condescending
I feel like I wouldn’t mind him spending time away golfing if it didn’t leave me feeling like I’m scrambling all the time to pick up the slack.
So how can he re-organize his chores and priorities at home so that you aren't picking up the slack while he's golfing? And what time do you get to yourself (that isn't work travel)?
Maybe this means that you two make the grocery shopping list together on Wednesdays, he buys groceries on Thursdays, so you don't have to do it on Saturdays.
Oh my dear , I don’t think it’s worth ending it…maybe you should just take some space for yourself visit family. Try couples therapy. This is a Long relationship don’t give up on something before trying to fix it. If your heart is dead set on leaving then no one can stop you but you need to speak with him more. He was and is your best friend honey try couples therapy.
“Obamacare” is not a program you can apply for lmao
Doesn’t sound like he‘d have the time honestly…
The fact that you got raped and still wants you to have sex with strangers and is interested in sharing another woman. The man doesn't love you.