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1. I’ve read through a lot of your replies. I know it’s hot to accept help, I struggle with it too. I know how motivating it is to want to support your family. It’s one of the biggest driving factors of my life!

   But in my opinion, while you’ve reached a reasonable conclusion based on your own logic, you’re looking at the situation wrong in the first place, which is how you’ve ended up here, asking the internet for advice after you realized that you’ve hurt your partner despite your goal being to help her and support your family. It’s an admirable goal! But your pride (I’m not religious AT ALL, but I think we can all acknowledge there’s a reason pride is one of the deadly sins) is getting in the way.

   You have more to offer your family than financial support. In fact, your desire to help financially is causing you to fail them in other important ways. I say this with as much compassion as I can muster, because I completely disagree with every premise that your “traditional principles” are based on, but I also think you’re really trying to see why you were wrong.

   Let’s start with this first, you weren’t “taking money out of her pocket” if you let her pay for the meal. By refusing to let her pay, what you were doing is deciding what she can and can’t do with her own money. Do you see how that’s not fair? Either you’re equal partners, which means her opinion on what to do with your shared money is just as important as yours, and her opinion on what to do with her own money is the only one that matters, just as you can do what you want with your own money. I’d recommend a shared account eventually that you both have equal access to, but I think you have a lot of stuff to work on first before she could be safe letting you have financial control. Because in this situation, you’ve actually just decided what she can and can’t do with her money. Do you see how that’s a problem?

   You’ve said it’s an issue about your pride. But why would your pride be more important than hers? Did you consider she might be embarrassed to sit by you when you’re the only one not eating, and it’s because of a money issue that she could easily solve, but you’re too stubborn? You made the celebration of her success about you by being so controlling. I’d be incredibly embarrassed if my partner did something like that. I’d feel like they were treating me like a child, like my wants didn’t matter. What if it’s not a pride issue for her, but that she would have gotten enjoyment out of sharing that meal with you? You know how happy you feel when you pay for things for your family? You’re denying her that.

   You say she has no issues with your perspective and traditional opinions, but I’m telling you that you are unequivocally wrong, because THIS IS AN ISSUE. This event, right now, that you are living through, is her taking issue with it.

   If we put all the above aside for a moment, you pay for all the bills. That’s great. You also mentioned you have a son, and your partner works and goes to school. I assume you’re working full time too. Who does the majority of the cleaning, cooking, child-rearing, planning of meals, grocery shopping, social life/extra curricular organizing of your child’s life, planning gifts, doing the subtle work of making holidays special, decorating the home, laundry, communicating with friends and relatives, dentist and doctors appointments -making/remembering/transporting… honestly I could go on and on. But if your answer is ANYTHING less than 50/50 when you factor in this invisible work, then some of those bills that you paid, your wife is also “paying” by her labour. If she becomes a stay at home parent as you mentioned (which I think is impossible for almost everyone in the modern day) this will become even more apparent.

   Lastly, in valuing your financial contribution to your family, you’ve undervalued the other things a good partner, leader (I say “leader” with a little bit of “ick” factor because I was raised in this disgusting dynamic… in a family unit the parents, plural, if there’s two of them, are the leaders, because it’s an EQUAL partnership regardless of whether one or both parents are making money off their labour) and in doing so you’re letting them down. Being present, emotionally available, wiling to change and admit you’re wrong – especially to your partner and child, asking your partner what they want and listening, compromising, all of those are duties you owe your family as the head of the household (which you’re not, btw, but I know the lingo, I was raised in it).

   I took the time to write this out because I think you’re trying. Being a good partner and a good dad means being wrong sometimes, but apologizing. It means putting the family member’s autonomy and desires at level with your own.

   In your case, for the future, and as a way to question the value your “traditional principles” bring too your family (not to your sense of pride and self-worth) it likely means some reflection on how you value the roles of home-maker versus capital earner, regardless of gender. I’d recommend you google how much a full time live! in nanny costs. Then how much a full time housekeeper costs. Then how much a personal assistant/project manager earns. Then consider that a stay at home parent wears all those hats, and to maintain a standard of living that’s the same, you’d have to pay all that with your salary.

   I don’t think this dinner thing is the problem. I think it’s a symptom of the larger problem being you base your self worth on what you can provide, to the detriment of those who love and care about you. I guarantee they love and care about YOU, and not what you can give them. You’re making that really, really nude right now though.

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