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If you never got proper treatment for your “mental health” then you're merely in remission and haven't actually gotten to the bottom of the problem. Go talk to a therapist before these issues reemerge and destroy your relationship.
You are still young. Don’t accept this behavior and stay with him because of sunk cost fallacy. You are still young and in your prime. You can find someone who is loyal. He will not stop what he is doing. He will just be better at hiding it.
He had a brain scan last year and blood tests. Nothing showed up.
So, I think this is just him now.
I think yesterday was my last hope…it was a shock to hear it I guess.
After a good sleep and this thread and my friends being amazing…I am ready to let it go and be happy.
You’re 18. Go to college. If your boyfriend really loves you he’ll support what you want and be there for you, but there are so many people who decided to stay and then end up resentful later they didn’t go. I know a high school relationship seems like everything for you now, but you definitely shouldn’t limit your potential for growth as a person.
Where is the abuse? Where is the control?
You are projecting hardcore. It's not an observation since there is none of that behavior to observe.
I know the idea of being alone can be really scary. Try to remind yourself that by staying with him, you are missing out on the opportunity to find a boyfriend who treats you with love and respect.
Don’t focus on the idea that you will be alone, focus on the idea that you are missing out on the opportunities to find someone much better, if that helps motivate you to make a change.
Okay, thank you for your honesty. I will push harder on therapy
Bingo!!!!
I'm 100% sure that your intelligence is ONLY above reproach to yourself.
You should tell her ok and that it sounds like fun and you’re gonna try it out as well to see how many you can get.
Now wait for that “for fun” excuse to fall flat on its ass.
You created an asshole dog. You’re both going to have to be on board to fix it and it’s gonna be miserable. But so is raising a child with this idiot. ??♀️
Sorry but I'm super worried about this comment. I really want to understand why you're saying this. I do love my cousin and want to be there for her. I'm not sure if it came across like I have never been there for her? If you have time, can you please tell me what more I could have been doing for her over the years? I actually was prepared that I was wrong for this situation but not for the previous years and now I'm questioning everything.
UPDATE FOR ALL- he cheated and we are officially broken up.
If you don’t think you can accept/respect his viewpoint on life as is without insisting he changes then don’t bother.
You are only 20, just walk away, let her go. You meet someone better for you.
Are you sure he is not married or have a gf?
>so as any lesbian would do , the next month we moved in together
People should react the same way in any relationship. It's a big red flag to move in with a person after knowing them for a month. But..
>I even saved her from a sussy attempt on the 14th of this month.
If “sussy” is a slang for trying to kill themself, this person is absolutely not ready for a life long relationship. Period!
> i figured it would be a no brainer to ask her to marry me.
NO! She needs to work on herself first.
>Someone please tell me what I should do
Let her know that she's a great person, but it's best if you two break off the engagement. Then, make plans to move out (but close by to her). Encourage her to get therapy and help. I also suggest therapy for you as well.
Dump him.
Dump in not for your career, that’s not really the reason, but because of the fact he is unable to support you and care for you while you allocate your energy into your profession, which happens to be not only your passion as well, but an extremely driven job too.
You can’t pour from an empty cup, someone told me once.
Just enjoy the time together. Don’t overthink it.
Then what's the issue?
Don’t be jealous, just end the relationship.
She isn’t living with her ex, she is living with her bf and you are the side piece.
There's an /s at the end
I’m not sure what changed.. l
He hasn’t mentioned it at all, so idk what his perspective is
This doesn’t have to be a mystery or guessing. Why haven’t you discussed it with him? Go discuss it with him. What are you waiting for?
The “GF” needs to go. She needs to deal with all her issues before entering any relationship. Tell her to take all her stuff and that you are breaking up since you don’t cheat and you are headed to restaurant to talk to your friend. That is a whole lot of crazy you don’t want. Recommend again that she seek therapy to deal with her trauma if she will not ever have a healthy relationship.
Lol, wake up. She said this to all of them. And she’ll say this to number 8.
You might truly love her but she's done with you. So move on. She's allowed to decide she doesn't want to be with you any more.
Ahh I would just delete it, forgive and move on. In my opinion there is no need to give it more attention than it needs.
Thank you, complete respect to you ❤️❤️ so many people argue with me about it but I'm not even against the pill itself just the fact I have to take something every day cause a guys too selfish to appreciate sex with me with a condom on.
No one is blaming her. I took responsibility for everything
Imagine how controlling he'd be if this were a real relationship and you actually lived with him. Point being, there's just no future in this. But don't worry that he'd treat someone else differently. This level of bullying is a sign of some deep insecurities and unless this guy embarks on a major therapeutic overhaul of his entire psyche he'll never be a fit partner for anyone.
Turn the tables here, and think about how long it would take for you to regain trust in your wife if she had a 4 month affair with a friend. Would you even be able to trust her again?
Also, your wife is dealing with a double betrayal – her friend was your affair partner.
It's not even a year later, and all you did was convince your wife to stay with you and convince her you wouldn't cheat again. Rebuilding trust is going to take a lot more than that, and a lot more effort on your part.
Your word isn't good enough for your wife right now. You can say you won't cheat again, but you broke the biggest promise you made to your wife – your marriage vows. And I'm sure during that 4 month affair you lied on plenty of occasions to your wife.
You two aren't ready for couples therapy. You both need individual therapy first. Your wife needs a safe space to talk about her feelings, and you need to explore why you cheated. You can say you were selfish and “missing the bachelor life” all you want, but that's a simplistic view. You really need to delve deep and understand why you were willing to risk losing someone you love, and why you made the decision to do something that has the potential to ruin your lives.
Until you can honestly accept how much you hurt your wife, how badly you've broken her trust and her heart, and you can be sincerely sorry for your actions and commit to real change, your wife won't have any reason to trust you. And couples therapy won't work unless you are BOTH ready and willing to try to repair the relationship. You may need to come to terms with the fact that your wife may never forgive you.
Based on your post and your other comments here, you're not at the point of seriously wanting to accept what you've done, and you aren't truly repentant. You just want everything to go back to the way it was, but that isn't going to happen. It will never be the same for your wife.
It's not taking too long for your wife to trust you. She hasn't even had time to process what happened, and you're badgering her to get over it. You're still being selfish. Go to therapy.
Your bar for bullshit must be high. This is definitely relationship ending for most people, especially since you can’t even reason with her or help regulate her emotions. Please, do not go to dinner with your former FWB or it’ll just exacerbate the situation and “validate” her accusations.
What do you want? Forget parents, husband, everyone else. Do what is going to make you happy. Could be moving to a third location
Please forgive the constant clarification. A lot has been discussed over the past few weeks, and It's getting very hot to keep track of. I did also say going forward, I was not comfortable with her hanging out with him privately. Whether that be at either of their apartments, or in public. I was ok with them talking, and being in the same place if it were a group event. But anything intimate in nature was not ok.
I do not believe I am insecure about being insecure. It is a way for me to identify my boundaries. What I don't like about them is how they are triggered by everything lately.
Again where did i say she shouldn't?
Divorce. Either way someone is gonna be resentful if not already.
He's 35 doing this shit? He thinks it's appropriate to act that way in traffic over a perceived slight? I guarantee that if you stay with this man, he absolutely will embarrass you in public later.
Good for you on all points! Birth control is horrible and he’s clearly trash well done!???????
Stay dumped. This guy is a mess.
Normal people don’t blame the other person. And coming back over and over just shows he’s manipulating you. How much more were you going to change?
This is a variation of emotional abuse. Please stop taking his calls
I think it’s not worth trying to figure out or fix others.
and why haven’t you dumped him ???
That’s messed up and not normal at all. There is no reason for your boyfriend to be doing those things besides his own sick amusement.
Thanks for pointing out the very very short timeline. OP, it's perfectly reasonable to take things VERY slow before committing to a lifelong tie like having children together. My parents got married within a year of meeting and are a terrible match in many ways.
I'd give this guy another year. If he's still this on the fence about half your relationship goals, then I'd encourage you to move on. If he's still asking you to obtain residency before y'all get married, definitely move on.
Your “partner” is a gross groomer. He’s old enough to have easily fathered you.
Are your feelings lust or love. You think it's love, but to be honest, you really can't tell. The issue now is to determine if each of you share the feelings and commitment for each other that you claim. IMO, as long as she can relieve some of the tension in her life by her imaginary life with you, nothing will change. She will never get to the emotional position to accept that her life with her husband is over. Out of self preservation, you might want to cease all contact with her and tell her that you can't go on until she is truly available. You probably think that this idea is too extreme. Whatever you decide is your business alone, but do your best to make sure that your decisions lead to the happiness that you deserve.
I didn’t claim what we are doing is right.
You stayed with and had children with someone that is terrible to a child.
Um you’re going to proactively do something about this even if it leads to divorce right? You know who comes first here, right?
What about her makes you want to remain married to her?
Forget all of this stuff about whether or not he's cheating on you or would or whatever.
Why do you want to be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself? The person you love should be someone who builds you up.
Why do you want to be with someone who speaks about women this way? That's so incredibly disrespectful, not just to her, and to you, but to all women.
Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't respect you? Because let's be real, even if you took these as jokes, he still wouldn't respect you for it.
Also, these aren't jokes. The whole point of these comments is to make you feel small, so you'll fight to stay with him instead of trying to do better. They are working as intended.
Sweetheart, he is trash. Throw him out.
So by this statement: a separated home means you’re neglecting your kids (your daughter already has that), then her stepmom loathes her and your focus isn’t actually setting boundaries or enforcing boundaries that would ensure she isn’t mistreated (so neglecting her needs further).
Seems there’s strength in numbers, so your daughter will always come behind her siblings.
Your wife has decided that’s how it is, and you approach obviously isn’t working in fixing the root of these issues.
Karma farming
You need to break up to experience what it would be like to be independent. Find other ways of support. This girl is toxic.
You’re dating a teenager who is t mature enough to make adult decisions in an adult relationship.
Date your age or expect this behaviour to continue.
Break up for good!! You saw in those 2 weeks how much better you are without him!! Stay on the positive path without him!
Yeah people on reddit put up with too much bs. She got this man wrapped around her finger lol
Girl get some therapy.
If he is staring at other women and makes you responsible ro keep him in check, he is not the perfect gentlemen. Ask him what else you are responsible for. Is it just the staring or will you also be at fault if he were to be cheating
But he still has to pay €500. Which he doesn’t have
Let me translate. You marrried a middle aged man who literally creeped around a dorm move in day. Most freshmen are literal teenagers. He was gunning for teenagers. Leave the creepy man and stop giving your everything to the first person who is nice to you.
Yeah I too thought about that. I moved on from that situation. But it's difficult to be awkward and weird with a classmate when she and i are put in same uni clubs. I tends move away from those now. Since I don't have any control where University puts me.
Why are you doing all the work and paying for everything? That's not a partnership
No one else needs to answer. This is it.
What dishonesty? She knew he did porn….did he have to go into graphic detail on every video?
The only way it’s dishonest is if she asked detailed questions on everything he did.
I dont get the big deal. As long as everything was consensual, who cares?
By not speaking up, you have given him the message that the behavior is okay and does not bother you. So, he has no reason to change it.
Good for you, you’ll have a much healthier and happier relationship, I cannot express the trust you will build when she sees you as a true partner.
‘Honey I am really struggling right now and keep competing with you which is making me miserable’ or show him this post. You have to communicate with him, you have to be vulnerable or you will never get what you want from life.
I WFH and my dogs are well in hand. He needs to send them to daycare if he’s not going to do the work so you can do your job!
I'm very aware of all that I know this is my issue not hers as I stated above, also I'm in therapy I'm getting help I just don't know how to stop overthinking it's something I don't put conscience effort into doing it just happens
Because this shit will escalate. Next he beats you up.
What is your real motive? You lied about your identity, played, and used her. You already know where she lives and works and could’ve checked on her. You knew she was poor raising a child or getting an abortion would be costly for her.
She doesn’t sound like a very good friend at all! This is a painful thought but is there a chance she doesn’t value your friendship as much as you do? Implying several times that you’d embarrass her friends is awful. Aren’t you one of her friends too? This SUCKS but you’re not getting the respect you deserve. I know at this age it can be quite naked to make friends but there are way better ones than her.
Listen to Amy!! Your BF is controlling! You are allowed to have friends and do things with them.
Your BF is isolating you from your friends – red flag!
Yeah, I mentioned in another response to you that he is soooo contradictory. “It's harmless/ I knew it was so wrong that you might break up with me over it”. Well which is it dude, because it can't be both. “Oh no, I've gotten myself in too deep! / Can't wait to see you Angel, you sure do make me smile.” Again, saying one thing but doing the opposite. “It wasn't flirtatious, I was just giving her coachly encouragement/ I'm already making arrangements to stop training her.”
All the contradictions are happening because he isn't telling you the truth, period. There's no contradictions in the truth. Also, this is happening after just over a week. It took – what? – 10 days for him to take it this far with a complete stranger? Not good.
My dad moved in with my husband and I for awhile. It was totally fine, pleasant even, but here’s the thing: he’s the most east going chill man you’ll ever meet. He can be invisible even. There when it’s easy, scare when he senses he should be. He would disappear into “his room” and play guitar for awhile, or read quietly or catch a baseball game. Cleaned up after himself and us. Fixed a few things around the house. brought home groceries, cooked a few times even. Walked the dogs. Most guests are not my dad. Couldn’t on-line with my mom, but dad, he can stay whenever. This situation? Gonna go with no.
He’s told you previously why he gets like he does.
He told you (by what your say in your post) multiple times nothing was wrong, yet you still pushed.
You are lucky all he did was shush you.
When you think of the gambit of reactions he could have done (dumping you through to physical abuse) telling you to shush is minor, and no more than you deserved in that instance.
You're absolutely awful.
It sounds like you are looking for validation for weaponized incompetence. I’m not going to validate you. If your house is clean and you aren’t doing it, she probably is. And she works naked at it. Your should make an effort to understand and apply her standards if you like having a clean house. And you have eyes and a brain, so you can figure it out by observing. Also, I assume you have the internet and a smart phone or computer. Do some research into proper cleaning methods (they exist). Follow them to the letter. If she keeps complaining send her the YouTube video or articles you found and ask what she personally wants you to do differently. And ask so in a non combative loving way. Then try to apply what she says. Write it down if you have to. If she still refuses to tell you, then at least you can walk away from the relationship knowing you tried.