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When did you meet her?
Women and their drama.
That's what its starting to feel like. We split bills and moneys not really an issue but she also refuses to get a license. I run her around town all the time if she needs to go somewhere or when shes late for work that makes me extra late for work because i have to drive all the way across town since she missed her bus. Been living together for 6 years now and i cant explain to you why I've putt up with it for this long. Ive tried to put my foot down but she immediately turns defensive like im attacking her and it always ends up in a screaming match and me just getting in my truck and leaving to get out of the situation
He hasn't got rid of you, your right there. What he has done is left you.
He obviously finds your request he not travel for work as controlling as I would.
Your post comes across as if your dependent on him being there without a break because that's your boundaries… That's controlling.
Good luck to him, and please go get yourself some help.
It’s not an insult, you sound like schwarzenegger and in the 80s he was a huge deal here, we all imitating him.
Dude, she needs to get off the stimulants immediately!! Sounds like stimulant induced psychosis or schizophrenia to me.
I think it’s great that you want to support your partner in being a musician.
That being said, this woman has caused you immense emotional harm in the past and seems to have no remorse for it.
I understand you trust your partner, but she has proven to you more than once that she will reek havoc in your life for no reason and with no care for others. You aren’t living in the past – you have learnt from it and are trying to prevent history from repeating itself.
Honestly, if your partner knows your past, how could he in good conscious join this band? Even now, how can he be so flippant with you when you bring up your concerns?
He is the one who doesn’t sound supportive!
Wow that’s actually shitty. This is literally why humanity sucks. People out here saying they are too broke to get people out of an abusive situation taking trips to Valencia. Even if she doesn’t like her mom, the kid definitely doesn’t deserve that. I wish this was an “aita for going on vacation instead of helping my mom get away from an abusive man”
I’m normally against this kind of petty stuff, but calling him sis or girl would really get the point across.
If B was a man, would you really be asking this question?
Yes, you are being cheated on. Your girlfriend knows what she's doing and she's manipulating the situation to make herself the victim because she knows you'll buy it.
Way too strict.
this is a very complex topic that needs to be approached carefully. I suggest that you don't talk openly about it, but share only your worries that you are afraid of getting it from the person in the future – start warming the person up to the topic so you can bring it up more gently later on. I know this is difficult. There are many psychological practices for discussing difficult topics, you can go to a psychologist, or you can use one of the relationship problem solving apps. Personally, I can advise a mobile app Tiddle (go to url link tiddle.me/couples), which helps to raise difficult topics, discuss them very gently and without causing conflict (by the way, besides there are many other features for couples – in fact, it is a game)
Why would that even matter? Anyone who cares that much has a stick so far up their own ass that they aren’t worth dealing with anyway
Sounds like you’re trying to do it behind his back. Why? Just straight up ask him, no need to “sneak around”.
yes but she doesn’t on-line too close but not far enough where she wouldn’t make the drive
There is no advice anyone can give you that will change who this man fundamentally is.
He doesn’t see anything wrong with what he’s doing.
He’s shown you who he is, believe him
Well, it should be something you are both interested in.
What are her hobbies and interests? Do you share any of them?
We’ve been arguing… but I never thought he’d just disappear.
He is someone I think is fairly narcissistic and manipulative.
So you befriended someone you thought was a manipulative narcissist and you're surprised that they're not respectful of your relationship or your feelings. End the “friendship,” dude. He's made it clear he has zero respect for you or your girlfriend.
Your husband is an .. I dont wanna be rude here but hes stupid.
You are kind of cheating on him btw but it's totally not your fault. This was HIS kink, NOT yours. That he brought you in to and didnt set ground rules with you.
He should be upset with himself.
Theres also not much you can do here atleast from my perspective. He fucked up.
You can't… in certain cultures when you get married…you marry the family. They will have to on-line with you. But you knew that when you married him. You don't have a choice.
Not an answer for your problem but Ambien for twenty years?? That is really not good at all…
I would stop giving this guy everything that comes with a relationship, aside from the relationship status.
Sadly I can counter this having witnessed one where this happened and the hurt and pain never went away.
It's gotten to the stage now where he actively sabotages every aspect of her life (and his and the kids lives) where he can and no matter how much those of us who knew them both tried, he has just became incredibly bitter at her and the world at large.
He now refuses to see his kids because being young they want to tell him about their mum and her partner, refuses anything to do with his now ex including kids birthdays, etc and is now in the process of dropping mutual friends and his side of the family that still speaks to her and isolating himself from everyone.
She did pretty much what OP's wife did and even tried what you did to navigate through it but in the end the anger and pain at what happened was too much and she had no choice but to back away from him. She is still incredibly saddened by it because they were the epitome of best friends in each others lives and it just overwhelms everything. She wants the best for him but he no longer sees it and every little thing he takes as a personal attack. Him no longer wanting contact with the kids and even demanding that she take full custody hurt her the most. Even for child support he resigned his good paying job and has been on the dole and living in squats since so that he doesn't have to pay maintenance.
Last we heard he is working in some remote mine site in WA under an assumed name and has dropped off the radar completely.
He went from being a really nice and caring person to basically a poster child for the misogynistic/anti-woman arsehole. No one expects to ever hear from him again until we read his death notice in the papers.
You were being unfaithful and tried to blame your boyfriend who sounds like he had a reason not to trust you
Physically cheats where? They were separated.
I can't think of anything worse to happen to a guy in front of his girl! Relationship Over!
Let the record show that Mary and I are on good terms with each other after the fact, I didn't sabotage anything
Where did you get the fact that he was neglecting her from?
It can help to accept that you have negative feelings that can't be chosen the same as he has attractive feelings he can't really chose. The choice is how we act on them.
The healthy normal approach is to establish boundaries, some of them you won't both agree on so it has to be based in mutual respect and consideration. He has needs, and its unreasonably and unhealthy to expect yourself to met them all. The point of loyalty means that either you met them, or he meets them himself. Porn isn't really him reaching out to other people for his sexual needs it's just him taking care of himself.
A decent guy watches porn for fun, to feel good, and sometimes just to get the job done, he doesn't compare you to them or think most of the things you are probably worried about. Is your boyfriend a decent guy?
He sounds like an amazing guy.
This. And I speak from experience. I got in a situation myself where I did pretty stupid stuff (though not as bad as your brother and not as long) because my parents enabled me too. Now that does not mean they are to blame as both your brother and I are (were) adults. But if you stay it will only get worse. For me it took literally my world crashing to truly realize what I was doing, so I assume the same holds true for your brother.
Your parents may be mad at you in the beginning for not spending time “as a family” , but if they have forgiven your brother for his behaviour they will definitely forgive you. Think if your mental health and stay away. Maybe offer to your parents to go to a restaurant with only them to still have time at Christmas. Just make it clear to them that you will walk out should you see them bringing your brother.
i’m waiting for the 48 hour mark to post an update
As someone who has traveled a lot for a 22f, she will come to see that this is how editing and and highly planned shots make traveling look. It’s not the reality at all of traveling. Definitely a decision she will regret.
OP , both of have abandoned this relationship. Time to move forward.
I read something years ago that every person alive has the gene to produce brown hair and brown eyes. It is the dominant gene. It’s the default. Blue eyes is a result of a genetic defect. Yep… I only remember the article because I laughed so nude at being called genetically defective. I have blue eyes and blonde hair. It isn’t uncommon for people with blue eyes to have a brown eyed baby. Your husband is incredibly ignorant, and just looking for an excuse to leave.
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Follow your job opportunity and I hope you two Break off the relationship. Sorry but I think that from reading the first post and this one that you both need to be single. Leave and get on with your life and I hope that each of you leave each other alone.
You’re an idiot. You weigh 150 pounds and your husband is upset with that? You want to lose weight for him? I hope he dumps your dumb ass honestly.
I did this when my wife first joined reddit. She was hesitant about joining and I wanted her to feel encouraged.
Maybe he doesn't buy anything because she controls it all?
How did this man think he'd get away with this one
You've explained to him what the problem was. Its on him if he chooses to think you would be breaking up with him for another reason. You can't be responsible for his future feelings
Many people with mental illnesses can be quite improved by treatment.
It sounded like you are considering a breakup anyway.
You aren’t a villain, you’re just in a super shitty situation.
Suggestion:
Tell your dad you’re happy for him and his soon-to-be fiancé. That you want to respect his relationship and any to give him privacy. As much as you love him, you understand he will need alone time with him new bride.
Tell him how super super grateful you are to have such a loving, supportive dad. And that your bond means the world to you (this seems absolutely true based on your post).
Have several apartment options with and without roommates on hand to show him. Talk to him about moving out and how your finances might work.
Ask him what he thinks. Make it about him and his fiancé. Play kind and considerate.
As shitty as it is, complaining and whining will only make things worse. You’re best hope for dealing with this crap is to separate yourself mentally from all the emotions and pretend like you’re playing a role in a movie.
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There are some posts here where I will agree that people are quick to play the divorce/break up card. But the vast majority of people come to this subreddit when they feel they’ve exhausted all hope of resolving the issue themselves, and they feel that the issue has become such a big issue that they are willing to hear every option that they may not have thought of.
I’ll just give you some perspective. My boyfriend of 4 years is fantastic. I got the flu really bad about a month ago. I’m talking, knocked me on my ass, couldn’t get off the coach, groaning in pain at all hours of the night, sweating for days trying to break my fever. My boyfriend stayed over and made me food, watched movies with me, helped me get comfortable enough to sleep, got my pain meds, drove me to the doctor and the pharmacy, the whole nine yards.
He eventually did catch the flu from me, but we were both still sick and we both took care of each other depending on who was feeling good at the time. And if we both felt like shit, we laid in bed and watched movies and took turns napping on each other. Never once did he try to one up my pain or say that he had it worse than me. That’s narcissistic behavior. Absolutely narcissistic. And he ACTUALLY got the flu worse than me- my fever was maybe 102 at its worst but I had to take him to the ER for a dangerously high fever, something like 104-105. But he STILL never complained about having it worse than me to try to minimize the pain that I still felt.
Those are the qualities to look for in a life partner. Selfless, caring, and loving, no matter what. I fully want to have kids with him because I KNOW he will be there through thick and thin, and I’ll also be there for him. Because we’re BOTH selfless, and give 100% of ourselves to each other.
So I don’t know. If you want to settle for him go ahead. I personally would not want to settle for a fixer upper that may or may not improve his behavior. Because his issues can only be fixed by years of therapy and active effort on his part. A stern talking to from his girlfriend is not going to change this man’s behavior permanently, just like it didn’t the last time.
Best of luck to you.
Hey man. I just got out of a marriage and nine year relationship with a person like this.
She never saw fit to work on, or even admit she had a problem like this. It devastated me. It robbed years of our lives trying to salvage situations that never should have gone wrong in the first place. I felt like an absolute villain for about four years. And it was a total Dr Jekyll and mr Hyde scenario where she’d push me to see friends more, but then I’d get punished if texts were not immediately seen when out, who was there, who did I talk to, oh I bet you went to THAT bar because that’s where young girls go, etc.
The moment I tried to say anything I was either being defensive or gaslighting.
Run.
Tell her that unless she sees fit to put herself into a better situation, and be able to find peace and happiness in herself, not you, you can’t be there for her.
The only person that can make her confident, happy, etc is herself. Not you. If you try to carry her burdens you will fail. I don’t care how good she is otherwise
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You know that you crossed a boundary and the relationship was obviously already over, but your insensitivity and insistence on pursuing your new SO unfortunately made you the bad guy at the end. Now set some firm limits and be broken up- there’s no reason you need to have any contact with your ex. Stop communicating with him and ripping the wounds open all over again.
I question the divorce. Often too those cheating will deflect saying their partner is the one.
My main concern/thought is that you call this guy a past hook up, but really she sounds like he SAd her. She said “nothing fun happened”, “that did suck” and she didn’t “want to cause drama in the group”. Which sounds like he assaulted her and she didn’t say anything to not cause a problem in her friend group. Seriously, why would you want to be around him?
Tell her to “figure it out” and stay away.
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My best friend is a woman…..I would never entertain spending the night in the same bedroom and there is always an offer for my wife to attend anything we do together. It's OK to have boundaries. He pretty much said he would pick her over you. Do you always want to be in second place in your relationship? Find someone that puts you first.
Yeah that shit hurts. Unless you gave consent it's totally bonkers.
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She flashed her vulva at him. I think she's more than flirting.
I do think so too. Thank you
do you value her as a friend? If you can get over the fact that she is not a viable romantic partner and is a regular person then congrats, you’ve made a new friend! Perhaps even a friend who can introduce you to other women you may be romantically interested in, or give good advice. If you feel like you’re still romantically interested then it’s probably best to cut it off
Hey! You’re answering questions you don’t know the answers to. Try to deal with facts. You know that you spent a lot of time with each other and were very close, that’s usually a good sign that you’re into each other. You know that she’s into women, so that’s obviously a good thing.
There’s no point trying to move on from these feelings when she could feel the same way, and trying to cover up feelings never really works (take this from someone that was best friends with someone for years before we both finally admitted how we felt about each other). I’d talk to her about it, if she feels the same way, great, but if she doesn’t, it’s not healthy for you to stay such close friends with her because you’ll struggle to move on.
Screenshot the part where he said that he won't delete them or ” fuck no. i earned those pictures “. Send them to his parents and tell both his parents and him that ” if your son won't delete them, i will take legal actions since this is revenge porn “
Is it worth having a conversation with bf of 3 years about how I’m on the verge of leaving?
This gives another opportunity to keep the relationship alive
Or is it not worth it?
Is the relationship worth saving to you?
Is an ultimatum ever a good idea?
It can help create the change you seek if it falls in line with what the other person is seeking.
It’s his turn to put in the effort..
While it's right you feel he puts in the work, it's also important for note that for a relationship to co tinder to be successful, you BOTH need to continue to want it. He will not be able to prop up the relationship if you don't continue putting in effort.
Dated a guy like this…closeted is my likely guess. Mine’s words did not match his actions and it was so frustrating. So I checked his computer and found gay porn. Not the best route, but it helped me with his gaslighting.
Let her take care of him.
He didn't care about you what should take care of him now?
It sounds pretty joyless, TBH. Maybe have one final, serious, change-or-I'm-leaving conversation, giving specific examples, and if that doesn't change anything, start planning your new life.
Any kissing should be suspect until you know what’s going on. I personally would leave if someone was kissing my significant other.
Thank you. How do you think I can work on my confidence because I can't afford therapy?
Thank you. How do you think I can work on my confidence because I can't afford therapy?
If she’s posting pics or a single pic of her with a dude, the handwriting is on the wall… either she’s moved on or moved back with the ex. Unfortunately, you were a short term thing.
You just lost your house in the upcoming divorce if you move out while she stays
A 30 yo girl?
A 22 year old is in a completely different life stage normally, they have a different timeline, and there's a maturity and life experience gap.
This is the best comment.
Seriously, the floppy thing during hook-ups is very normal. Every thinks they on-line in a porno until it happens. It's just biology, friend. Please don't be too “hard” on yourself, because it happens a great deal more than is ever talked about. Even people who have a bunch of experience with casual sex just can't do it sometimes. Either way, try not to think of it as the end of the world. Good luck!
Updateme!
At the time I was seeing a counsellor and when I'd talk about it she'd say that maybe I shouldn't have got back with her and that it seemed like a step back.
So…you quit seeing your counselor because they gave you some of the world's best advice, which is on-line you life through the windshield, not the rear view mirror? Talk about throwing the baby out with the bathwater…
Honestly, it doesn't sound like you're heathy enough for a serious relationship. You seem really unhappy and unsure of yourself and your relationship suffered because of it, which means future relationships will, too, until you get yourself together.
You need to, as a first priority, stop thinking about any kind of relationship and get back into therapy. Think about it…if you're still in the mental state that caused the problems in this relationship and you've quit therapy, so what makes you think the outcomes will be any different? It's almost impossible to go back into an old failed relationship and change the underlying patterns under the best of circumstances, let alone if one or both parties is unhealthy. That's why people always say “don't talk to your ex.” Going back into a failed relationship almost never works.
I've never cared about anyone as much as her and I doubt I ever will.
This is the biggest crock of bullshit that young people tell themselves. The last love is the best love and the love of your life. That's complete and utter bullshit. If you talk to people older than you who have lived and loved and lost and loved again, the later loves are usually better because you grow and mature and are more capable of deeper love than you are in your 20s. Don't cling to something dysfunctional because you're afraid that you've peaked romantically–you haven't.
If you care about this woman, you'll stop putting your fear over her wellbeing. Focus on your personal growth and healing and you'll both be better for it.
NO. His mental health is not your responsibility.
What you can do is call his parents and or police and do a welfare check.
You need to cut contact completely and continue with your life. He is your EX.
Wouldn't cheating make you less of a man?
I dont get it.
Thank you. I'm not one to purposely set somebody up to fail or be a snitch but in his case I'll happily make an exception.
i think it’s a red flag that you have so many concerns about telling your partner about this, but as of now there’s no way to tell if it’s in your head or if there’s some issues with your partner.
One also has to wonder what the motive for baiting a POC partner of his daughter into this situation may be…
I think the idea that I’d ever call the police on him without hearing him out first (notwithstanding actual violence – I asked) was what upset him. Does that context make it better or not?
This is a lack of communication and most definitely a you problem. It’s unfair to make it hers, she’s not a mind reader.
Well make her your ex so she can have free rain if doin that and you can not waste your time and find a women who is still not hung up on their ex
I think it’s normal twin behavior to seek out time together alone. I know a 55 year old man who is an accomplished professional that takes a vacation alone with his twin sister every year.
It must suck to be the younger sibling though.
In relationship you need to know what is important to you and what are things you won't back away from. If to you was important that he remembers surgery cuz it's scary and important thing in your life and he said it's easier to just make another date then he didn't really listen to you. Sometimes all we need is a partner by our sides and not another solution.
Why does everyone on here apologize for their significant other cheating. Is this the real world now? Cheating has no excuses. Should never happen. Does everyone not have any common sense anymore?
Like i stated in other reply, I'm the calmer one and I rarely get angry nor raise my voice. She gets heat up first/so fast whenever there are disagreements. It feels like she has anger management issues and she wants me to understand her more than I want her to understand me, it feels like 8:2 ratio (2 being me). In the end of argument, I always have to apologize for bringing up her mistakes and not understanding her why she did such.
Yeah, they haven’t learned everything about each other, but 9 months to a year is long enough for me to know if my effort at connection is being reciprocated. Knowing absolutely everything about each other isn’t the goal here. Shit, desires change over time. I’ll make the bold statement, there’s tons of areas of compatibility where that time is enough to figure out if you’re actually a good fit for each other.
Got it.
She basically conditionned you into dropping everything for her. She equated this behavior to love, which it isn't, that's obedience. Let her go through with her threats of leaving you, if you being your own person is a deal breaker for her, the relationship isn't sustainable anyway.
Real advice? It’s easy to see why you broke up. I’m having a difficult time understanding why you took a controlling and critical man back. You say it doesn’t seem that much has changed. Trust that. Don’t waste your 20s on this guy. This should be such a great time in your life.
I mean, she's a bitch.
It took a couple bucks for her to publically disrespect you to a guy obviously trying to pick her up.
The streets called and she answered.
Bail dude, bail fast and nude.
You're turning every thing he doesn't into the worse version of what it is. There's no reason to assume that, especially when op agrees
leave?
If you really don’t want kids, you need to protect yourself and get a vasectomy and make sure you use condoms every time. Do not leave the birth control up to her or anyone else. Take your child free life choice seriously and be responsible for it.
Talk to her. Have a serious discussion about this and both your futures. Find out what she really wants.
Everything you have described is you NOT being a fish in bed. Your boyfriend choosing to insult you in such a direct way without bothering to give any examples or, yanno, communicate KINDLY, is absolutely ridiculous and very poor behavior.
I agree with every word. I wish it was all that easy but she also has depression. she often threatens to harm herself and has done so in the past when she doesn’t get her way. it sucks and i don’t know what to do.
Thanks for the context. So let’s start from the post and come down to this response. I’m certainly going to need more context but let’s go;
You broke up due to HIS commitment issues. I’m certain you need therapy yourself while I’ll address later, but if we’re to assume that he legitimately has issues, he’s told you that he has no desire to fix them. That’s unfortunately the end of it. Separately, staying friends is a mistake, because you’re logically not friends nor do you want to be.
Let’s get into the recent specifics. You should logically plan for a living together situation in the future. You bringing it up may very well have been too soon, but that’s not how he addressed it. Living with someone, or more broadly taking big relationship steps doesn’t inherently create relationship issues. More often than not, issues exist, they don’t get addressed, and then steps are taken and those steps are blamed as the root cause.
That’s where you are here. “We’re both gonna get hurt?” Why? I’m not suggesting you move in together at this point. In fact I highly advise against it.
The insecurities about not knowing why you’re with him is a separate problem. Having said all that, what has he done? Breaks are nonsense, so I inherently don’t blame you for breaking up. But what’s the deal?
I would do yourself a favour and cut your losses. It seems he has already moved on. Because his “headspace” was in the room.
Hi Op. I think that if you already have doubts you should probably not date him. The age difference is a bit of a problem, because from 22 to 30 there’s a big difference on many, many things. I am almost 29 and I could never date someone younger than 26 because I see them as children.
yeah move. it sounds like she’s just trying to keep things the way that they are because she knows you won’t throw her out or try to forcibly remove her.
OP you can't stay with someone out of fear. That's ridiculous. Anyone that ever threatened self harm during a break up is even more amo to leave that person because you are not his keeper or his parent.
Will you stay in a relationship forever if it was abusive because u wldnt want your abuser to be sad?
Take care of yourself!!! YOU ARE YOUR PRIORITY NOT HIM.
There is nothing you can do except quit your job. He's a consenting adult. Just because it's weird doesn't mean there will be any repercussions for the boss. Your son will likely leave her when she gets too old.
Why do you want things to work out? Seriously? Because it feels like failure? Because there’s no shame in recognizing a bad match.
I would try to get someone to take his place, failing that, take the trip solo. If he insists on coming, stay in separate rooms
Why would someone do that though? Could always just ask for a # if they say no I wouldn't want to talk to them anyways!! I get there's crazy af people, I don't deny this, but I doubt she did that. Unless she has purple or blue hair. Those chicks are nuts ?
Well my son, I have much experience! If I noticed you were doing that, I would report you to security. No need to apologize to me, but this isn’t appropriate behaviour that would make people feel safe. Staring at someone repeatedly, for extended periods of time and romanticizing it is definitely creepy. Women don’t like this!!! It’s a step away from stalking! What if she noticed and assumed you were following her? Definitely don’t keep things as they are. It might be time to start interacting with your peers.
Don't keep friends that are ashamed of you.
I assumed thats what it was but I've seen many posts where the word cheating is used and its porn, or thirst traps on instagram that the guys are following. I've also seen many where a lack of facts is intentional. How many times do “friends” get in people's ears and convince them that cheating is occurring only later to find out it was a jealous friend or a interested friend and there was no cheating.
I think its more important to get all the facts from the source before jumping to a conclusion. Especially when it is something like cheating.
That’s exactly what it was. Dude picked the most expensive restaurant in town, an hour and a half in the opposite direction, and wanted OP to pay for his gf as well. Literally picked the most absurd scenario possible, as a joke.
Honestly starting to question if the majority of commenters on this sub have any social interactions at all, these responses are ridiculous. No one is going to seriously ask you to drop $400 on a fancy dinner an hour and a half in the opposite direction for a 20 minute ride. Come on.
Finally an accurate assessment. The problem here lies with OP, not the BF.
If it’s something they cannot come to terms with, then following a private discussion with said BF, if it cannot be resolved amicably then the relationship is doomed as they are sexually incomparable.
BF has needs that OP clearly can’t satisfy. But both parties should be comfortable and happy. If that isn’t together. It’s a shame, but move on
Did she give up sex for Lent? I am catholic and you normally give up for Lent chocolate, swearing, etc. And no meat on Friday during Lent. Never heard about giving up sex.
So get out. The dude is frickin weird and an obvious asshole.
Get. Out.
I mean he's still in his 20s it isn't all that unusual to change your mind
For everyone calling me misogynistic for sharing my experiences how about you for once consider that just because other people have a different lived experience to you doesn’t make it invalid.
I’m not being sexist. I’m point out that in my experience men are less likely to be open to starting a friendship with other men – when I’ve meet other guys my age very few are open to allowing new people into their friend group.
Conversely I’ve found women are much more open to it.
Really goes to show a lot of you are so full of your own self serving bs that immediately label me as a misogynist and start to call me things like dead weight, etc. just for sharing my perspective.
I feel bad for your husband. Why would you marry him if you “always felt the same”? You are a terrible partner and a horrible person because of this. What advice is there to give? You either spare your husband the misery of being married to you or stop talking to your ex. What a joke of a post, you are a grown ass woman and you are acting like some kind of rom com lead.
You're both mature enough, or should be, that marriage will be something you can discuss openly and make the decision on together. It's not 1950 and you're not 19. You shouldn't be waiting around for him to unilaterally decide marriage is the right move. So if you've been together for a couple of years and you've already determined you've got all your life goals and priorities in sync you should just ask him if he thinks it's time to move forward with marriage. Late 30's and divorced just isn't the condition under which you should be waiting around for him to lead you into the future.
IMO, If his ex really texted him the day after he admitted to cheating and blamed it on her then she has an unhealthy attachment to his toxicity.
Is he her pimp or protector? Why else having an escort's location?
Oof yeah that's a bit awkward. You did right by offering to buy her lunch but perhaps she would have felt awkward accepting for some reason, like maybe she knew it was a little her fault for leaving her lunch there. If you really wanted to smooth it over with everyone, I'd say maybe order a big pizza for everyone on Friday or bring in some baked goods or something like that as a sign of goodwill.
With the windows open and where op had the clearest view of every position
He's trying to manipulate and gaslight you. He's trying to make you think you're crazy for questioning him and his behaviour. He's not respectful of you or your marriage, and unless he wants to change he won't. Save yourself the lost time and leave him, he is not a partner to you.
There was nothing to ruin. You two had VERY different long term goals.
It never feels good, but SO much better now than years from now.
Hugs to your dad to get through this next stage. He did a great job!
New York babyyy????
lol have you ever been in a relationship?
4 months in and she sounds so gross especially if you’re already making 140k. Literally dating Smaug
There's r/deadbedrooms that's all about people with mismatched libidos. If the relationship is early, maybe just cut your losses before there's more involved. It will only lead to more resentment and perhaps infidelity. Best of luck to you
Alright it's Saturday, where's our update?
She's fucking another dude
Good for him! I’m so happy for him and wish him the best life possible. You can rot
Clearly a difficult situation all around, but given her reaction and you mention how her parents manipulate her easily, I don’t think she is dependable.
Her parents approach is awful and clearly she won’t be able to maintain a relationship with them if she decides to stay.
“I’m sorry. I was completely wrong and I will NEVER go near your father ever again.” That’s your only choice.
Stress will push your period out of wack. My understanding is that Plan B can kind of fuck up your hormones and change your cycle.
Your not getting bigger, she’s getting smaller, similar situation here. Stretchy connective tissue becomes less stretchy with age. I’m surprised at your ages, it happened at post menopause for us. It is possible she is having early menopause or maybe something worse. She needs to see a doctor soonest. I mean as soon as possible.
Having consensual safe sex isn’t a ‘lack of morals’. Do you even like this girl?…
Bro
Right? God forbid we allow women with small breasts get some attention. I'm a 30 year old woman and I've been told “only a pedo would like your tits”… But I'm an adult. With adult tits. Just because they're small doesn't mean they're “underdeveloped”
Honestly? Sounds like hes setting you up for financial abuse.
If this is real – kill yourself and save everyone the misery of dealing with this.
It’s quite obvious lol, he has a girlfriend
ESH. What he did isn’t what I’d call “cheating” but it was rude and disrespectful and gross. What you did (tricking him and setting him up) was ALSO rude and disrespectful and gross. So … yay? You’re a perfect match!
Did you want sex and he refused? What is 'acting single' about masturbation?
If he was acting single he'd be going out looking to hook up with a real person.
He was honest with you that he wanted some 'alone time' because you just wanted to sleep and presumably he's horny. If you wanted sex you should have said so.
Pssst…..she was 18 and he was 21. But very good advice!
How do you get up in the morning? Do you get up at the first alarm, or do you snooze a few times? Do you keep the light off in the bedroom and set your clothes out the night before so you can change in the bathroom? Are you quiet, or slamming doors and drawers? If you’re doing everything to minimize impact to another person in the room, then sorry, she’s just gonna have to deal with it. If not, you need to be more considerate. It’s impossible to know without more details.
Can you clarify your point?
You just confirmed she is your daughter from a prior relationship, sit down wife and tell her.
I am assuming your ex isn't around to be the mom.
Good luck and I hope you and your daughter have a great life and wife is good to take her in.
I'd definitely look into therapy for at least your daughter pretty much right away. Going to stay with you, who she doesn't know, and not having her grandma right there anymore is going to be difficult for her to work through just as it will be for you. At 6 she's not likely going to have the emotional capacity to work through it well on her own, and may not work through it well with you. Having someone that's fully prepared to be able to help you both successfully navigate what's going to be a massive change in both of your loves would be hugely advantageous for both of you, especially if she's going to have to start at a new school also (you didn't say anything about that, so idk if that's the situation, but if it is then just another large layer of change for her).
If your wife does decide to stay, then I'd also massively recommend couples counseling also to help you both get on and stay on the same page with all the upcoming changes. It's definitely one of those things that's better to start to soon than to late! Make sure you're taking the most proactive steps you can to make sure everyone is emotionally and mentally taken care of too, especially since this is going to be a pretty significant change for everyone involved, and it seems like it's pretty sudden too which just makes it that much more difficult to successfully navigate.
It seems like you're already making awesome steps to be an awesome dad though, so many MANY kudos to you already! ❤️❤️ I wish you the best of luck on your upcoming adventure!
Honestly I didn't think it would go this fast…it was slow the first few weeks but we've been seeing each other a lot this past week. So it's really ramped up. Now that it's something serious….I need to bring this up.
I don't think you realize that it's more than a religion for me. My grandparents had their entire families wiped out for this. Parents escaped their countries. There's a lot of pressure both on myself and via family for justifiable reasons that can't be explained.
Ok, you hit the nail on the head when he said “but you're not happy” and you wrote “I am, but not with him”. Obviously I'm paraphrasing what you said, but if my minimally educated brain can connect the dots there I would hope your Ivy League brain can too. Stop moaning about him on Reddit and leave him, then you can be happy without a “but”. Or an ass.
He moved on quickly and slept with another girl right away to get over you. He was in love with you while you were together but the only way to move on for him was to jump quickly into something to get over the hurt and pain. Please let go and move on. Work on yourself and your mental health and release your hurt and pain.
nah. Highly highly doubt it. not for a month. I totally trust him. and see him on grindr with the eyes emoji looking for a hookup
“Our connection has gotten weaker” yeah no shit, you are hiding things. Guess what, it looks like you have things to hide.
You got a women's trust to gain back. No time for Reddit, if you're lucky it's gonna take years, if not she'll leave because she won't be able to handle not trusting you.
You fucked up real bad mate.
Player douchy guys — look nude — but have no actual game. They are not interested in repeat performance, so they put no effort into making sure you have a good time. Not worth the effort in the first place.
And secondly here it would hurt your best friend. You know it. Is one bad lay worth your friendship? Only you can decide that.
Which bank is giving that %?
I know… I’ve lost so many friends. Your right it just feels so good
UpdateMe!
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I don’t know what to do anymore. Even worst is he couldn’t even get nude even with that. I don’t know what to think. He’s now love bombing me and I just feel lost and hurt. How do we even move forward with this?
Can you ask her to add each other on social media, y'know, to send memes and get in touch if either of you needs to swap shifts or whatever reason you can come up with. Who wouldn't want to have a new friend if tou get along well?
That’s perfect actually. Since he has BPD he is very quick to think people are teaming up against him. If I can get a private moment with our therapist for a second and let them know this is a personal goal of mine they might be able to help ease into it rather than me just springing it on him.
And yes, my husband has been a difficult guy to be with for a lot longer of our time together than I would like. As with most bipolar people when he’s great he’s great, but when he’s not he’s really not. It’s been nude to decide for me where to draw the line because he says he wants help to be better, and I feel like he’s trying most of the time, then things like this happen. Then I go into panic mode trying to fix everything. I understand attempting to separate me from my family is a huge red flag and so is the name calling and intimidation, you’re right that I have to put my foot down somewhere. I never expected this to be my life. I expected to be with someone who loves me and cares about me even when we have disagreements. It’s nude to draw the line that says “ok this is too much I can’t do this anymore.” When the other half of the time they are your best friend.
My parents have been good to him, even gave him a place to stay for 2 years. The worst spat up until this point has mostly been my dad very calmly and plainly telling my husband he needs to put in more effort, but other than that he’s treated my husband like a son, so it’s really sad to see them so at odds.
Thanks so much for your advice.
When someone blames everyone else except themselves then the true problem is them. Just have a serious discussion.
This is something you should have been aware of from the beginning. It was manipulative for him to keep this from you until the point where you’ve grown your feelings and relationship to this point.
This baby would be a part of your life from birth, if you are not willing to play mum for potentially 50% of the time then leave now. It will be unfair for the child if you allow it to form a bond with you to then leave.
You are so young, do you really want this responsibility? Not to mention he is now tied to his ex forever and that means co-parenting, he will always be in contact with her and be in his life in some way. Is that something you can handle?
RUN! This man DOES NOT LOVE YOU. He kept this from you for so long and you might think it’s nice that he is giving you space to process all of this but that’s what any decent person would do. I get it, getting out of an abusive relationship and then having one that’s the complete opposite for a while IS nice, but anyone can be nice-not everyone is going to love you tho, find someone that loves you. This is his child and he will ALWAYS be a part of his ex life, they will always be each other lives. Don’t invalidate your feelings either, this man betrayed you and it’s okay to feel hurt and disappointed. I can’t say this enough tho but MOVE ON
I agree with everyone else who thinks that you're being played. This guy does not have your best interests at heart and if he was such a good catch, why is he single?
Real people have visible flaws and quirks – 'perfect' people are monsters.
Sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. It might be best to focus on yourself and not make any major choices until you determine the paternity of the child.
You're both terrible.
I get the distinct feeling you might be coming on too strong.
It’s not a joke if everyone isn’t laughing.
Forgot to mention this movie showcases the contributions of the first African- American women hired by NASA for space flight mathematics.
She is a racist. Dump her.
Thank you, her job is rather intense so it fits. Still uncomfortable with the language, but I see your point. Appreciated ?
Bro you guys are grown men and you’re worried about this middle school level shit talk? Sounds to me like you need new friends and that they’re insecure that a woman is in better shape than them
Ask him! What about me?
He probably should throw the box of condoms in there.
Is he actively protesting against trans people, spreading hate on-line etc? Or does he not care about this subject at all, but will tell you his true opinion when asked?
If he isn't harming anyone at all – he just has a a strong opinion on this group of people, I personally don't see any problems – unless the issue is bigger and he has extreme views on everything. His opinion isn't hurting anyone, and it doesn't affect your life at all and likely never will.
This is just my opinion though. You can break up with anyone for any reasons and if you personally don't feel comfortable with it then maybe breaking up is the right choice for you.
Thank you, i been trying my best to focus on bettering myself, and im happy with myself. it just still stings u know
A DA doesn't have to accept a report. If you file a police report, the police have to investigate it either way. So if the police show up at your door, you're probably just gonna willingly give the cat back. So the DA don't even have to get involved.
You’ve already given him an explanation. He doesn’t want to hear it. Repeating yourself won’t change that. I’d break up with no talk and no explanation, ask him to give you some space and not contact you, and then block him when he fails to respect that.
I have a right to feel the way I feel. I no longer wanted to be in a closed marriage. He has a right to decide if he would rather be in an open marriage with me or a closed marriage with someone else. I just communicated my feelings
Can you find new roommates and stay where you are? They seem ready to leave you behind so start planning in case that becomes real
2.5m a year is almost certainly a large amount of profit when you're operating a one man food truck operation
Have a frank conversation with him and tell him you’re done helping him. Let him figure it out since your time and support mean nothing to him. Give him what he’s giving you- nothing.
If you’re mad, be mad because she’s not relationship material. That sucks to find out that your girl is disrespectful, and trashy. It sounds like you might be able to learn some sexual techniques and how to please a woman. This will be good to know when you find someone that you can actually takes serious.
Because she went all accusatory, that’s what’s bothering him, she called her own self out
You do it by not worrying about potential suitors. They don’t matter. She will be in a public place. If they dare try to make a move, trust her to put them in their place. You’re likely disturbed because you won’t be there to interject or intercept. You don’t need to be. You just need to accept that she loves you, is loyal to you and that she can take care of herself.
I get it. Men are conditioned to protect their partners, but this is a time you need to let that go and simply trust that she will do the right thing. That will go a long way.
It won't be so casual for OP as he has feelings for the ex – he would just be hurt again when she finds someone new, and it will cause a whole new kind of mess with more resentment and all. Better to rip off the bandage now.
Tell you partner this.
And don't forget to say how easily you can discard HIM.
I'm 5 years shy of 40 and would deal with this “insecurity” by parting ways with someone that still has so many strings attached to an ex. No spitefully or anything, it's just not for me and feels unhealthy for everyone involved.
the phrase “deep armpit huffs” is cracking me up
1 month? Girl go.
No, and I’m also his 4 or 5th gf and I’m his only gf that has been with him for the longest so I think that’s part of it
His discomfort is his problem to solve. You're not doing anything wrong. It's not reasonable for you to be limited to not interacting with other humans.
Yeah – no kids. This means they can actually be done with the other person for good. With kids in the mix the ex is a part of their life, however small, forever.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound dismissive. Weekend is one of my favorite films, because I’ve had that exact experience.
I still fondly think about relationships that only lasted a few hours. Heck, one my favorite days ever was losing my mind over (and hooking up with) this dude at Disneyland when I was a teenager. Still a great memory two decades later. I’ve met and fallen for people over a couple day span.
All I’m trying to say is that in two days you only get the impression of a person, not the full reality of someone. Every characteristic she seemed to have she might not actually have in her day-to-day life.
He has continually blocked her and unblocked her behind your back. He's lied to you repeatedly.
That's a relationship ending red flag right there.
Everything else just emphasizes how toxic he is.
Get out.
Leave
Go ahead and talk to him about his relatives' affairs. See what he says about that.
I would not assume that just because they don't respect marriage, he won't. Any more than you can assume he will abide by his vows just because his relatives do (or apparently do – you never know).
Can’t wait for month 5.
Technically she sexually assaulted him in his sleep.
And maybe wants to get with OP.
I agree. With my ex husband, he didn’t care for the first 5 years of our marriage and then I told him sex was boring for me. He was making sure I got mine after that but other factors made intimacy difficult with him.
I think I was just considering myself lucky that majority of the time my boyfriend is great about making sure I finish so I felt bad for the very few times he has been selfish in bed. I don’t want to consider myself lucky, I want to know that I don’t have to wonder if I’ll have an orgasm or not. I get so mad about it that I don’t even want to help myself finish.
I’d rather not have resentment grow in my relationship so I plan to discuss this with him tonight.
If the roles were reversed.. would he agree to paying for you?
Not every guy is like that mind you. He is showing red flags… Walk off.
See a profesional counselor, this isn’t normal and if you have obsessive thoughts that you can’t get rid of then you need help
I am not sure what you need help with? Help you to get her to fall back in love with you? Help you get rid of her? What do you want?
These aren't “troubling” behaviors, your relationship is a nightmare. Get out before she ruins your life.
Ugh. Lose her.
Thank you for explaining reality to ppl. As someone who nearly died from the hell you describe I appreciate you taking time to do so.
You need to guage this based on what you know about your husband. You'll have a better understanding of how he's likely to react to each option.
You have a couple of choices; you can confront him and ask to read the messages, or just go and read them without his knowledge so you can confront him with as much information as possible. The second option prevents him from coming up with an explanation or deleting anything before you get to see them.
I know you feel like you're violating his trust but you've already read some of it. You're not making it worse, you've already opened the envelope and read the first paragraph, you may as well finish reading the letter. To him, reading one message is not going to be less of a violation than reading the rest of the conversation. He's unlikely to say “I'm angry that you read that bit but I appreciate that you stopped”. So that's what I'd do.
As I said though, you know him better than me and have a better idea of if that's correct.
Bear in mind that he has crossed boundaries here. He may not be cheating (yet) but this isn't normal or ok behaviour.
It doesn't sound like she's interested but he is. Maybe her not contacting after the funeral was unusual. Maybe she really hates that they haven't managed to meet up more often. It really does sound more like she's trying to be unresponsive so that a creepy guy stops trying to meet up with her though.
You should inform her that real beauty is the beauty of the soul, Although you see her as a beautiful woman no matter what she thinks about herself… That kind of words can get her confidence back.
You're being waved in like that family guy episode