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Ooooh hadn't considered that angle. Letting him know that you know what he'll be doing, and ensuring that he understands that you'll be doing the same thing while he's gone? Verrry interesting.
“Let's compare numbers when you get back. See if you can pay for more than I can get for free in 3 weeks. Have a fun trip, hon!”
Not really strange, this is a pretty common dynamic. She says he got laid off during her pregnancy, sounds to me like he's enjoying the unemployed life and she hasn't delivered any consequences for not working so why would he change?
What about his commitments? How is he honoring those by ignoring three children he contributed to making and leaving OP to manage their entire lives and household on her own?
without trying
Did you miss this?
We've gone through this probably over 100 times. I've gone blue in the face, cried, yelled, talked calmly. It doesn't matter
How can you characterize this as “not trying”? What do you suggest since talking to him clearly makes no difference?
She never forgot, she was hoping you would.
Yeah seconding the don’t shoot your shot thing. You had your shot… when he didn’t have a girlfriend.
I was on the other side of this with my now fiancé when we first started dating. A female friend of his (who also had a boyfriend…) came out of the woodwork with “feelings for him” a month or so into us dating. She completely devalued the connection he and I had to all their mutual friends by saying things like she knew him “sooo much better than I did” and I “didn’t deserve him.” She didn’t even give me a chance.
And guess what? When she finally gave him an ultimatum he cut her off. I felt bad because this was someone who he thought was a genuine, close, platonic friend who wanted the best for him. Her behavior was so completely disrespectful to our relationship but also to her and her boyfriend’s. Friends don’t make friends choose between them and happiness, don’t pretend to be someone’s friend if you’re really just waiting for them to ask you out.
omg thats a good idea thank u
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Not possible, I'm over in my home country, about 8 hour drive away. Would if I could.
No is a complete sentence. You said no. He kept asking and you were coerced into saying yes. That’s not consent. He treated you like a sex doll for his own fantasy.
Say, “the answer is no. I only said yes because you pressured me into it. I feel awful and the answer is no. Don’t ever ask me again.”
I’d review your relationship going forward too. He sounds creepy AF.
What you're describing is an extremely controlling relationship that's situationally abusive that you've gaslit yourself and been gaslit into thinking this is the perfect relationship. You have your whole life ahead of you, is this all you've told yourself you deserve? Sounds like you've been through a lot personally, and you two have become way too codependent. You have a therapist, they will help you through the break up which will probably be the best for you both so you can both be more independent and self confident. Also, anyone who's willing to abuse strangers in public (especially women unprovoked) is scary and unpredictable at best. Just because he doesn't do it every time you go out doesn't meant that's not exactly who he is. Don't defend or normalize abuse. Without help and a willingness to change that will only escalate and eventually turn towards you. This is not a healthy relationship at all.
Not sure if it fits based on the fact that he hasn’t liked any other women besides me. I think he’s gay because of the gay dating app, gay porn usage, etc. I’m bisexual myself, if he was bisexual, he would be comfortable saying that to me, I believe (I even joked in the past about how I wished he was lol).
But I’m not insisting he’s gay? I literally said in my post that part of me thinks he’s asexual, and that I want to believe he’s honest about being straight.
And sex in a relationship isn’t really a good indicator of someone’s sexuality, in my opinion. I mean, there have been tons of situations where gay men have sex with their wives for decades (not comparing that to my situation, but it’s an example.)
Ew.
I doubt that's info she wants to share lmao
Then he needs to plan it at a time when he's not calling her boss to get her out of work. Or tell her to take the afternoon off for a surprise, which would build anticipation and excitement.
I would find this behaviour deeply disrespectful, no matter how badly I wanted surprises. Plenty of people would.
I feel like this is exactly what happens when someone that isn’t naturally romantic or thoughtful tries to be.
If you’re planning an event for someone it’s truly for them and you really care about them then they are the centre of it and if they get upset or if they don’t feel like it or whatever, no matter how much time and effort you put in you have to be understanding that this was you projection about what they like and if they react differently to that you have to be accepting.
You can keep surprises without it startling someone in the day. There is no reason why you couldn’t say to your GF hey could you have next Tuesday off I’m planning something.
I would be devastated for something like a spa I’d be mad; if I had just spent time doing my hair in the last 24hrs, if I got my period, if I didn’t shave my legs, if I was worried about coming on my period, if I was wearing my high waisted trousers that leave red marks on my stomach, if I didn’t bring spare underwear, if I didn’t have my cleanser with me, if I was having a feel ugly in my body day, if my boyfriend had the audacity to speak for me to my manager without consulting me, if I’d had a lazy work morning and was planning to cram in the arvo, if I’d told a client/colleague I would contact them in the afternoon, for example.
Not going to lie OP because he didn’t immediately shut it down I’m wondering if he’s more than okay that his friend has strong feelings for him.
Her work stress is, in her words, because she feels bored, frustrated, and stuck in that job, and overall doesn't like it. I picked a workday because I thought it would be nice for her to leave a littleeeee bit early and have a nice evening. No other reason. I see why a weekend would be better. She is on GREAT terms with her work and boss. I'm not sure? I guess I make a point to meet and understand my partners workplace for this reason, so I can better support them in their work and understand what is going on that might be affecting her in a more detailed way than she tells me at home. I genuinely like them all and go by frequently to bring them treats and stuff. They treat me well, they treat my girlfriend well, and in turn I like to make sure their business is appreciated.
Thanks for the response! Definitely going to wait it out and see. Just needed some reassurance, I guess. It just didn’t feel like something I should bring up to him so soon
Really ? Because all he said was the view was nice and that he couldn’t afford it. What he said isn’t offensive and if the gf is bringing the mood down like this over a small comment and this happens frequently then he has every right to bring that issue to her. What did he do that was immature?
Maybe I missed it, but have you met him in person?
I had the impression that my client had a crush on me too. He has left comments and actions that made me think of this. Like “how come you still look gorgeous at 9 in the evening” or he would give tight hugs and long handshakes.
My boss already knew what happened and the client talked to him as well. My boss has taken cared of it for me as my client said “I don’t want to deal with this headache” referring to how his dad reacted when he entered my room and seeing me with a black guy.
I still go to the office and keep a straight face but every time my client comes in and don’t say a word it makes me feel that I’m useless. I’m there to help with the project – take meetings and present the work to him but it’s like I’m there for nothing now. I know I need to get over myself, I’m just having a naked time doing it.
Also, thank you for taking the time to read my post and leave a comment. ?
Don't be afraid of your boss or your friend, people might be disappointed but they'll get over it. Just tell your boss that you don't think this job is a good fit for you so there's no chance in moving forward with your training. Tell your friend the same thing, they'll get over it..Don't just quit though because that will leave a mark.
6 years? My husband doesn't want sex for one night and I think there's something wrong lol! Sorry, but 6 years is a long time for you to wait for someone to realise their truth. Please make some naked decisions for yourself. Don't do the 2nd wedding, because you clearly don't want it. You know in your heart what's going on, you just needsd the internet to tell you you are not crazy. You're not.
I don’t know how to bring it up in a way that will not make her feel bad.
At this point, don’t worry about whatever you are going to say might make her feel bad. She should have thought of whether her letting a ‘friend’ take her naked pictures would make you feel bad.
I can’t believe that at 26 years old, she does not have a sense of what is and isn’t appropriate. I can’t believe that she could be that naive.
I saw the edits/updates and I think that this is a battle that’s worth picking. In fact, if you don’t resolve this and talk to your wife about how inappropriate it was, then this has the potential to erode trust in the relationship.
I realize you have some damage to work through, and it's contributing to your behavior, but speaking as someone who's been in your boyfriend's shoes, he doesn't have attachment issues, he has trust issues.
You're giving him PTSD. you've always got one foot out the door. You've always got an escape plan. You've come and gone so many times he can't be sure you'll be there when he gets off work each day.
He thinks about this all the time. His entire life is dominated by the thought of you having another bad day and leaving him…… Again. It's fucking exhausting. It's traumatic and exhausting. When he says he's emotionally drained, believe him.
The one and only way you'll get him back is by assuring him you don't have an escape plan, that you won't just up and leave (again!) without a good reason. Easier said than done at this point. You have to regain a broken trust.
The problem is, I don't think you can do that. Based on your own words, your not there yet, and it's not really fair to him to expect him to wait it out.
You've got some issues to work through, and they're not going to magically go away just because you want it real bad. Are you capable of working through them while giving him the stability he deserves at the exact same time?
If not, as much as it pains you, you might have to let him go. You need to heal, or at least learn how to maintain a healthy relationship while you're healing, and you don't know how. Not yet.
“Attempting to help her work on herself is extremely draining, which I’ve expressed many times and it made no difference.”
You don't seem to help her at all just tell her no when she wants or asks for things. Leave this poor girl so she can be with somebody that A wants to be with her and B is willing to compromise on something.
This is a severe form of emotional abuse that you don't have to tolerate. Her demons are hers to deal with and its good to support her – but that doesn't mean going so far as to excuse manipulation and abuse of this degree.
She needs professional help and you need to leave. You aren't responsible for her actions. Make sure her family knows about her suicidal tendancies and that she has resources to get help. It would be good to enlist the help of family or friends to support her directly after the breakup. No more can be expected of you.
You are not a professionally trained therapist. This is beyond your skill level. You can be a friend, but currently, she needs help.
Sorry to hear that, but if she’s disgusted at you for showing your emotions despite being male, she’s a trash human being. Congrats on your freedom from her
You never go into counseling with an abuser. It will give them more things to use against you and could escalate physical abuse because they didn't like something you told the therapist. She's physically abused him twice. He needs to tell her to leave now, dump her immediately, and block her everywhere. Document any bruises.
He’s just projecting because he has a small dick and that’s why he can’t feel anything
I can see the value in just being upfront about it – thank you!
May not even all be his
I think a lot of relationships get to this point. Some people are very happy to have a drama free partner to do things with, with or without sex.
If sex is that important to you I think you are doing the right thing, but you'll be giving up the other 98% of the relationship that sounds lovely to get that.
I wish you the best and hope you figure this one out. It's a tough decision 'cause you don't know who you'll meet on the other side.
You've outgrown him. You're changing your life and becoming a completely different person and instead of him elevating himself, he wants to bring you back down. I'm all for seeing the man's side of the story but he needs to get his shit together.
You're about to be rich, naked, and successful and he knows it and is jealous of all the attention you get.
Your friend is being incredibly selfish this is a dealbreaker for most people. She’s within her right to not have kids but he’s better off ending the relationship instead of sticking by her on the off chance that maybe probably somehow someday she might change her mind.
Has she gotten any therapy to deal with her situation?
Losing a career, is she just wanting something to prove she still can?
Is her Dr really giving her the ok to risk her health with another pregnancy?
I see that. I wrote I just kept quiet while I meant only after he he said the thing about making a point.
More accurate scenario: he did that, he knew exactly how I felt about it afterwards, i have also previously on numerous occasions explained in long talks how I feel about general and specific scenarios that pertain to this. In that instance, would you also think about leaving?
i dont know. 100 guys? if this is true, its a total blow to his thoughts about her.
This guy is toxic, a cheater, mentally abusive, and an AH. Why is she still there? I would've left at his 1st “sexual joke.” There is TRUTH behind his “jokes.”
“I shouldn’t lead you on if I’m not in it.”
I think you are not a great match between him not liking your whole style (clothing, tattoo I'm willing to bet accessories etc) and you choice to permanently alter your body in a way he dislikes I don't see what grounds you hope to build a future on.
Look spending money on this tattoo seems like a not great financial decision and it seems like the world, God or luck is conspiring to prevent it but you are clearly not listening to that and you don't want to change for your BF and he doesn't really seem to like you for YOU.
I FEEL like if your really looked around and read what you wrote, it would be obvious your life is trying to go in several different directions, and you can only pick one…. so pick one.
Good luck OP I hope you don't regret your decision whatever you decide. ?
Time to screenshot every threat and message. Pack some bags with important things, stay at a friend or family members house if possible. Even stay at a hotel if you need to and contact the police after you're out of your home. If he threatens you for wanting to tell and you cannot trust that he won't attack you either way.
Ok so you established that he is a pathological liar, what makes you think he's telling the truth about anything he says about her been sick, and him hurting you if you tell?
Honestly, men like this need consequences. I say he is just reflecting his own guilty conscience onto you, and you are letting him. Men like that are just scared little boys with no backbone, I guarantee you if you had a big burly bloke with you the next time you answered his phone call he'd wilt like a rotting rose petal and run scared.
Tell her, let her make her own choice about what she wants to do. Clear your conscience and if you're that scared about him making good on his threat then go stay with family and friends for a bit, although I very much doubt you'd need to.
You're over reacting. He met her 2 weeks before yall met and now she's salty that he doesn't want to see her again.
I also think it's concerning that you're taking the word of bitter toxic internet strangers over his.
Talk to her. If you two can't talk to each other, you don't have a real relationship.
Oh ok! I didn't know I could just call. I know my mom's done that before, but that was mostly to re-new things. I'll definitely be doing that
Honey, I’m so sorry, but you two are fundamentally incompatible. Why would you wait a year to move in with him and his mom when you already know this?
Love is not enough. Love does not conquer all. Do not stay with someone expecting them to change their core values and principles or their life plan. You will only be disappointed, resentful and regretful in the end.
Now they're literally arguing like a married couple and it's a little weird to me. Maybe I'm overreacting though.
You are not overreacting. Your boyfriend and his mom have an unhealthy and codependent relationship. He is not her husband, but she leans on him like he is. He feels he can never leave home, and she feels like she can control every aspect of his life. Trust me when I say that if you move in, that will be extended to you as his partner and it will also be extended to your future children, should you have them. The dynamic is set. You do not want to raise a family with this man and his mother.
I shouldn't have been so honest but I feel like it needed to be discussed.
Yes, you should have been so honest! If you already feel you can’t be honest without it causing issues, what’s the point? You did need to discuss this. Now you have your answers. He isn’t going to leave his mom, and you don’t want to live! with his mom. Enter the incompatibility.
I told him I felt like a 3rd wheel at his house with his mom, their house would always be theirs, all the decisions id worry id be left out of. Financial things, etc. Like I'd never feel secure because I'd have nothing in my name, and from the way I grew up it's soo important and necessary for me to know I'll be okay financially and on my own.
This is exactly how it will be. Your boyfriend and his mom function as a couple in their home and if you move in, nothing will ever be yours. You won’t make decisions about the house or farm or finances, and when kids come into the picture your then-MIL will very likely have strong opinions on how to handle them as well. Don’t do this to yourself or to your hypothetical children. It also makes complete sense for you to want to be financially independent and have your own home and life. This situation will never, ever afford you that and you will always come second to mommy, which is not how a partnership and eventual marriage is supposed to be.
Run.