Divorce her. Understand that this may poison your relationship with your family — but that may be exactly what you need. Your family doesn’t give a shit about your happiness. If they did, they would have supported your earlier relationship and not pressured you to marry a child. Get away from these people and their nonsense traditions and find yourself. But have compassion for your wife as well.
The “they only want one thing” narrative is overblown. These guys aren't just accumulating notches on their bed post. If a person wants to have the sex why would they only want it once? Why not 3, 5, 10, 20 times?
Maybe ask him if he would be willing to cut her out of his and your life, if he resists leave him, if he accepts and follows through, suggest couples counselling and see if that helps, but he has to follow through on both and and you need to agree on a consequence if he allows her to come back.
Your other option is not homelessness! If you call a bunch of women’s shelters everyday like a job until there is availability, you will get in somewhere and there will be resources for longer-term housing, where you will have a support system to rebuild your life. It sucks you can’t rely on your family of origin, but that was the hand I drew, too. Today I do bookkeeping and have my own space and don’t rely on anyone. My ex assaulted me and since he was my boss (he groomed me for a long time), it led to me getting evicted. So I’ve been where you are standing. PM me and I will give you guidance as to what steps to take. I got you.
Are texting and cooking really such massive effort? OP, I hope you grew up in a home that has given you enough love support and protection to be able to distinguish what true effort and what bare minimum is. I, too, struggled with that for a while.
There’s people in this world who cheat and there’s people in this world who would never cheat. Don’t choose to stay with a person who cheats. If he didn’t feel bad about it until he was caught, he doesn’t feel bad about betraying you, he feels bad that he has to pay the consequences. Not to mention he never bought you flowers but bought them for his teenage side piece. That’s beyond pathetic.
OP didn’t lie. Infertile does not mean sterile. It means that if she were to change her mind about having kids, tampering with condoms would (probably) not be enough to get her pregnant. She would probably have to have medical intervention to have children.
That’s a conversation that never had to happen, because she doesn’t want to become pregnant.
The most dangerous domestic violence offenders strangle their victims. The most violent rapists strangle their victims.
We used to think all abusers were equal. They are not. Our research has now made clear that when a man puts his hands around a woman’s neck, he has just raised his hand and said, “I’M A KILLER.” They are more likely to kill police officers, to kill children, and to later kill their partners. So, when you hear “He choked me,” now we know
YOU ARE AT THE EDGE OF A HOMICIDE.”
~CASEY GWINN Co-Founder, Training Institute on Strangulation Prevention
Get out now! block him on everything! And TESTIFY AGAINST HIM. HE IS A THREAT! None of this “But I don’t want him to have a FelONeY BS.“
Thanks for being straight up. Sounds like you've been through some things and I'm glad you're in therapy and getting help to grow and heal through those difficulties.
What are the things that he does do to show you her cares?
I grew up poor too, I know how hard it can be to be generous with money sometimes.
He may not be able to do it yet or ever.
How did you fall in love? What was it like in the beginning? There's a time in the past he must've made you feel loved and special
Sex is very important for a successful relationship so I agree about taking some initiative to it, but also, finding a partner with the positive characteristics you say is harder to find than a good sex partner, I would put some work into making it happen.
First, I need some context but as a general rule don't go from zero to one suddenly: try touching each other and masturbating first and eventually you'll converge to sex from exploring stuff. Maybe she's just scared about it so don't be judgemental, sometimes great sexual chemistry takes a while to form.
Second, don't be too overwhelming about it, if your blue balls can be sensed a mile away you may be putting her off too. Sounds like you know exactly what you're missing but maybe something's missing for her too: what if privacy is a concern? Maybe you guys online with your parents, or maybe she would like it to be more romantic, think about her side a bit more and talk it out.
She's still hung up on him apologizing, but that doesn't matter. Her pain being vindicated right now doesn't matter because she's in physical danger.
He's a bad husband and he's going to kill OP. We know this because he threatens it constantly, and she still lets him drive her car, knowing how uncomfortable she is every time they're in a car together. I cannot believe they're taking day trips/dates to places while he's spent two hours threatening her. OP is living in cognitive dissonance. There is no coming back from a partner who threatens to kill you.
Thank you, I do like that u mentioned the idea of making those changes for myself. I am getting caught up in the idea of bettering myself for the relationship, and forgetting about myself. I need to do this for me, and hopefully I can see a positive change in all aspects of my life not just my relationship.
I did a few days ago, but he said that he is liking our relationship as it is and that he is scared that I am catching feelings..
Not sure how to ask him again after that.. :')
Divorce her. Understand that this may poison your relationship with your family — but that may be exactly what you need. Your family doesn’t give a shit about your happiness. If they did, they would have supported your earlier relationship and not pressured you to marry a child. Get away from these people and their nonsense traditions and find yourself. But have compassion for your wife as well.
The “they only want one thing” narrative is overblown. These guys aren't just accumulating notches on their bed post. If a person wants to have the sex why would they only want it once? Why not 3, 5, 10, 20 times?
Maybe ask him if he would be willing to cut her out of his and your life, if he resists leave him, if he accepts and follows through, suggest couples counselling and see if that helps, but he has to follow through on both and and you need to agree on a consequence if he allows her to come back.
You said you feel tempted and said you're being pushed into another girl's arms which read as cheating to me
Your other option is not homelessness! If you call a bunch of women’s shelters everyday like a job until there is availability, you will get in somewhere and there will be resources for longer-term housing, where you will have a support system to rebuild your life. It sucks you can’t rely on your family of origin, but that was the hand I drew, too. Today I do bookkeeping and have my own space and don’t rely on anyone. My ex assaulted me and since he was my boss (he groomed me for a long time), it led to me getting evicted. So I’ve been where you are standing. PM me and I will give you guidance as to what steps to take. I got you.
Are texting and cooking really such massive effort? OP, I hope you grew up in a home that has given you enough love support and protection to be able to distinguish what true effort and what bare minimum is. I, too, struggled with that for a while.
There’s people in this world who cheat and there’s people in this world who would never cheat. Don’t choose to stay with a person who cheats. If he didn’t feel bad about it until he was caught, he doesn’t feel bad about betraying you, he feels bad that he has to pay the consequences. Not to mention he never bought you flowers but bought them for his teenage side piece. That’s beyond pathetic.
UpdateMe!
He wants kids, she dosen't, i think that is a fairly obvious reason for divorcing.
OP didn’t lie. Infertile does not mean sterile. It means that if she were to change her mind about having kids, tampering with condoms would (probably) not be enough to get her pregnant. She would probably have to have medical intervention to have children.
That’s a conversation that never had to happen, because she doesn’t want to become pregnant.
I wasn’t too comfortable putting this on my main so I made this throwaway acc
You're just going to 'hope and pray' that he doesn't do that to your unborn daughter? So you're knowingly going to put your daughter in that position?
The most dangerous domestic violence offenders strangle their victims. The most violent rapists strangle their victims.
We used to think all abusers were equal. They are not. Our research has now made clear that when a man puts his hands around a woman’s neck, he has just raised his hand and said, “I’M A KILLER.” They are more likely to kill police officers, to kill children, and to later kill their partners. So, when you hear “He choked me,” now we know
YOU ARE AT THE EDGE OF A HOMICIDE.”
~CASEY GWINN Co-Founder, Training Institute on Strangulation Prevention
Get out now! block him on everything! And TESTIFY AGAINST HIM. HE IS A THREAT! None of this “But I don’t want him to have a FelONeY BS.“
Thanks for being straight up. Sounds like you've been through some things and I'm glad you're in therapy and getting help to grow and heal through those difficulties.
What are the things that he does do to show you her cares?
I grew up poor too, I know how hard it can be to be generous with money sometimes.
He may not be able to do it yet or ever.
How did you fall in love? What was it like in the beginning? There's a time in the past he must've made you feel loved and special
This is where co-op games can be fun!
Sex is very important for a successful relationship so I agree about taking some initiative to it, but also, finding a partner with the positive characteristics you say is harder to find than a good sex partner, I would put some work into making it happen.
First, I need some context but as a general rule don't go from zero to one suddenly: try touching each other and masturbating first and eventually you'll converge to sex from exploring stuff. Maybe she's just scared about it so don't be judgemental, sometimes great sexual chemistry takes a while to form.
Second, don't be too overwhelming about it, if your blue balls can be sensed a mile away you may be putting her off too. Sounds like you know exactly what you're missing but maybe something's missing for her too: what if privacy is a concern? Maybe you guys online with your parents, or maybe she would like it to be more romantic, think about her side a bit more and talk it out.
Good luck brother!
You should have seen his 1 month pressuring as a red flag. He just repeats the process.
He’s not mentally stable enough for you to date. Next time your gut isn’t sure. Listen to it.
Let him go. The right relationship feels right.
Was your husband abused by a family member and this terrible attitude towards you stems from some issues he has never spoken of?
Still not an ok reaction.
She's still hung up on him apologizing, but that doesn't matter. Her pain being vindicated right now doesn't matter because she's in physical danger.
He's a bad husband and he's going to kill OP. We know this because he threatens it constantly, and she still lets him drive her car, knowing how uncomfortable she is every time they're in a car together. I cannot believe they're taking day trips/dates to places while he's spent two hours threatening her. OP is living in cognitive dissonance. There is no coming back from a partner who threatens to kill you.
He wanted validation by having you feel devastated. The sadder you were and the more you fell apart, the better he’d feel about himself.
Now he’s thinking “she just shrugged and moved on? How dare she not be miserable at losing me!!?!?”
It’s like that saying, after a breakup, the best revenge is living a good life. You weren’t looking for revenge, but the result is the same.
none of that is the same story that your post implies, ironically enough.
If the car is in your name, let her know if she doesn’t return it you will report it stolen.
Thank you, I do like that u mentioned the idea of making those changes for myself. I am getting caught up in the idea of bettering myself for the relationship, and forgetting about myself. I need to do this for me, and hopefully I can see a positive change in all aspects of my life not just my relationship.
It's your boyfriend's job to take care of this. If he's allowing it, you have a serious bf problem.
I'd never let my sibling talk to my partner that way. They'd be removed from my life in no time if they showed so little respect.
I guess your 31 year old man child didn’t learn empathy, huh? I bet there’s more red flags you are ignoring or not seeing.
Just divorce and move on, man.
You literally started it ?