My (35F) Exs(36M) GF(36?F) Keeps Claiming to be My Daughters Mom
3KSooo title and yeah it’s a little complicated.
My ex moved his gf across the US after meeting her on-line and moved her in with my kids. I asked to meet her and my ex flipped out for a while and made a big deal until he relented to an awkward lunch where he loomed over me the whole time to control the conversation. Needless to say this has set a bad start to any friendship she and I would have, in fact my ex said it would be inappropriate to have that kind of relationship with her and that he knew I’d say something wrong to her he didn’t want. I once said to her “he believes what you don’t know won’t hurt you” and that proved his point.
Over the course of the last year there have been little things that have become big things. I was weirded out by how enthusiastic she greeted my daughter and how touchy she would get but seemed to ignore my son, she’d get new clothes for my daughter but not my son, she took my kids out to parks and libraries during the pandemic, my daughter was uncomfortable with his GF calling her baby so I advocated for her to be able to say don’t and was told i shouldn’t have had that convo with her because it was an “adult” convo and I was dictating his GFs relationship with my daughter, and I asked if a specific activity with my daughter could be our thing and was told I was being weird and they went out of their way to do it with her.
Any attempt to reach out and ask for respect or a boundary are met with hostility and I’m not sure if I’m approaching it wrong or if I should just not say anything at all. Let’s just say for brevity’s sake that I grew up abused and I know how not to handle situations but it didn’t leave me with a lot of great examples on how to handle them or people to ask for help so here I go;
Recently I’ve been having issues with GF claiming to be my daughters mom and taking my daughter on play dates with friends but not my son. It’s not just one or two moms either, it’s any parent she meets she asks to do a play date with my daughter. At the beginning of school this year, all excited to drop my daughter off when I said I was her mom the school confused me for my ex’s GF who had asked about my daughters bus schedule I guess. I felt a little invalidated and confirmed with the school I was mom not her, she wasn’t even a step mom and that I was uncomfortable with her making changes to the bus schedule. I barely know this girl and what I do know just….slightly has me worried she might leave with my daughter one day due to the attachment she blatantly shows. I called the GF and asked in as even of a tone as possible like I was having a conversation and asked why she told the school she was my daughters mom and just that she may have not known how that could be hurtful to me. When she listened to the voicemail she sent me a wall of texts telling me I had no right to accuse her in my overly emotional state and due to my instability she was on the verge of cutting contact but would give me one more chance for the sake of the kids as long as i waited 24 hours after i was emotional before i respond. I had the principal and the teacher say she told them she was mom, I don’t know…
Fast forward to today where I mostly try to avoid contact at all costs and I am now accused of being off putting and unapproachable because I won’t say hi to her at drop offs i just stay neutral as much as possible. I have a friend who lives in my complex who has a daughter my girls age. They play all the time when the kids are home. On Mondays their friend’s grandma picks her up from school and spends time with her. My friend was driving in the parking lot today and asked about me meeting the grandma and was weirded out why I asked for a play date in the park if we lived next door. It wasn’t me, it was my ex’s GF.
I know it’s making me insecure a little so it makes me question how to begin to approach it with her.
TL:DL, Ex’s GF keeps telling people she is my daughters mom and trying to make play dates with everyone and I don’t know how to tell her to stop.
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Hey, I don't want to alarm you, but I'm like 80% sure your boyfriend is autistic.
I believe this because I'm autistic, raised by a family of autistics, and have been studying autism for a while now trying to make sense of it all. Your boyfriend kinda fits the bill. You might too.
One unfortunate side effect of autism is that our expectations of reality need to be maintained, or we can kinda lose our shit. It makes us panic when our expectations are broken.
To avoid that stress, and to keep from having to constantly change our expectations, we can often deflect, gaslight, disassociate, control, the list goes on. We are generally better at running from our problems than solving them (an addictive personality).
We are also products of our environments. Autistic people seem to take everything to an extreme until life tells them not to. Makes us good at whatever we have motivation to do, or it just makes us fucking spiral into apathy or insanity because we have no idea what's going on in our heads. If we are not taught how to be self-critical, to question our own beliefs enough, we will tend to believe that everything we say is right. We will make up shit just because it sounds right and fully believe that it's the whole truth.
It's what I did, it's what my deadbeat father did, and I think it's what your boyfriend is inadvertently doing. He will need to get his mind fog under control, or he will spend the rest of his life lying to himself while being sedated with accessible addictions to maintain a fake sense of happiness.
Or at least that's my guess.
If you want to talk more about it in detail, I can respond here or in chat. I'm not crazy, I'm just a guy who honestly wants to help.