It took me 2 years to break free from this addiction. And I wanted to be free! Your BF has to want to get free himself or nothing will ever work. Ever.
I had a friend with whom I could be honest. I have a router with porn blockers on it; but still I found my way around it.
It takes 3 months (!) without porn to get to the HARDEST part!!! At that point it very slowly starts getting easier.
Suggestions: Read the post from u/anamesnotimportant. Check out the “about” section of r/pornfree. Check out sanon.org. Set up your router so you are the admin he is like a child. Pray. Or follow u/tossout7878’s advice.
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What the fresh FUNT did I just read? OP no. Just no. A whole bag of nos.
Firstly, moving in with someone you've only known for six months is ill advised.
Secondly, you've expressed a boundary around this, frankly, disturbing behaviour and this man has repeatedly disregarded it. What he is doing is strange, domineering, and very unhygienic. You've asked him to stop and he, rather disturbingly, said you “must take it” then gaslit you as well. This gives you anxiety every day but he still ignores you, chases you, and physically overpowers you to do it anyway.
How many more signs do you need to leave this relationship before his behaviour escalates?
My now husband of over 14 years (21 together) was exactly like this. I just gave up on the idea we would ever get married and got pregnant (he agreed he wanted kids). We bought a house and everything too. Then when I was about 7 months pregnant, he told me he had an early Christmas gift for me (it was a week before Xmas). Turns out it was a calendar and when I flipped to that day, it said happy anniversary. He was on one knee. When he asked me to marry him and I said yes, he then told me that I needed to get ready because the wedding was in 2 hours. He had already set everything up. It was awesome. We told our families by making them watch a YouTube video. One year later, we had a wedding reenactment and reception for our anniversary.
Thank you! I feel insecure because of offhand remarks like “I'm going through too many guys” from my mother–I've only(?) dated two other guys from the beginning of HS, so like five years ago, but nobody around me really has which makes me feel like I'd cause drama or something even though the vapid boy-crazy girl stereotype is firstly probably degrading to women and secondly something I feel I couldn't be further from. Thanks again for the reassurance.
oof it sounds like he's just kind of an idiot and put his foot in his mouth. I'm sure he regrets his words immensely lol. A lot of men also really can't understand the absolutely wild changes that happen to your body throughout pregnancy and childbirth. They just think it's some kind of womens maternal thing thats easy to accept when its really fucking not. I think it would be a good idea to sit down during a neutral time (IE not when you're about to have sex for the first time since giving birth) and explain to him everything thats going on.
I totally understand where you're coming from and its so very hot. The changes happen too fast and you don't really have time to even comprehend them, especially once the baby comes. It's important to let your partner know how you're feeling.
Alright. It’s your time to shine. Act like a total crazy pants and then say, I thought you perceived me as boring. Sorry. I’m kidding. Don’t do that. But don’t let that list make you doubt yourself. Just talk to him.
Use your imagination. She could have easily cheated recently and exposed herself to it, whether she actually contracted it or not. Then, it didn't have to even be the friend's actual water bottle. She could have put some paste on the bottle and laid her trap.
Btw, this is far more probable than her doing it for lulz.
Look, I don't think she's in the right. She probably did lie about things she said or didn't say. She sounds awful.
HOWEVER, the thing to do in situations like this in interpersonal relationships is to trust your memory and dump them if you feel lied to and especially gaslit, not record others without their consent. Doing that will ruin any interpersonal relationship you ever do it in— it makes people paranoid (you could always be recording and catch something embarrassing (not even evil, just embarrassing) that they do or say) and pretty much abolishes trust and privacy forever. Only do it to people you never want to see again.
It sounds like this time you did not have the confidence to trust your memory this time— that's something to fix going forward. You need to have that confidence and trust in yourself and your sanity or you will keep attracting manipulators. They can sniff out people who can be convinced they heard something that never happened. Manipulators do not date people who trust themselves for very long.
Lastly and most importantly— stop talking to her. You all are broken up and the relationship sounds toxic as hell. Messaging her just to play the tape was very immature. You don't have to “win” the breakup—- that's not a thing. I know you thought it would make you feel better, but interacting with nonsense just drags it out. Cut her off. Your closure is that she lied to you at least once and that you all bring out the worst in each other. Cut her off and put this all behind you. You learned a lot from this relationship— now put it to use.
My grandmas cousin has a daughter. This daughter also has a daughter and that is my currenr gf. So why is she once removed when we are the same Generation?
You want to go to HR because the guy acts professional? Sounds like an idea. Not a good one. Falsely claiming someone is creating a hostile work environment is itself creating a hostile work environment. This is your workplace not a playground. Adults don’t get mad because someone won’t be their friend.
I get that it’s a bit weird that he doesn’t socialize with any of the women at all, but do you really want to socialize with someone who doesn’t want to socialize with you? Maybe he’s been accused of harassment before or maybe he hates women? If he isn’t doing anything to impede your ability to do your job, it’s something you should just let go.
Now if he were management that would be a different story. At my job we had a meeting recently where we were reminded that anyone manager level or higher was required to socialize with all genders because it could be framed as a hostile environment if we were seen as only socializing with one gender. We were also reminded to keep anyone below us at arms length and to not spend too much time outside of work with employees.
I don’t understand what 70% of your post has to do with your issue other than making excuses for yourself. Stop being a dick to her. Sounds like it happens more often than one time
If your primary emption right now is rage at your friend and ex—rather than grief for your grandfather—you’re displacing your feelings in a big way. You need to talk to someone you trust who can help you process your emotions.
Your friend sucks for not giving you a heads-up that your ex would be there, but for you to still be boiling over it two days later? With a “rage in your heart” you haven’t experienced before?
Hi! Dog breeder here. I was having issues getting my dogs “in the mood” so a friend of mine (breeder from another state) sent me a quick video on how to get them “in the mood”. Worked like a charm I’ve had 20+ successful liters now! (This is sarcasm idk why I’m defending it I just thought this comment would be funny)
A lot of people have ideas how to try to get the ashes back. The other thing I would really like you to consider is getting some professional emotional support. You have been through so much, and it would probably be good for you to have some help processing everything that’s happened, and move forward from a healthy place.
The subtlest way to deal with this problem would be to buy him a gym membership for his next birthday / anniversary / special occasion. Most men would take the hint.
But from the sound of it, that might not be enough at this point. I mean it's worth trying, if there's any chance it might work, before going to the next stage…
The next stage is withholding physical intimacy. This needs to be done in a deliberate way. In fact, you should get separate beds, because it's extra torture (for both of you) to avoiding intimacy while sharing a bed.
While this may sound cruel, it's better than nagging. Men absolutely hate nagging. By constantly nagging him, you're making the situation worse. And it also makes a guy feel effeminate to be nagged by his wife to do something he probably deep down knows he should be doing but can't find the motivation to do. Tough love is better than nagging.
Men respond better to positive reinforcement. And while withholding intimacy doesn't seem like positive reinforcement, it will become positive reinforcement when he starts wanting sex, and the only way he can get it is to accomplish certain physical fitness goals. There's no greater motivator in men than desire for sex.
The way you do this is you gamify fitness goals for your husband to accomplish. The first goal should be really really easy — like just losing a single pound (or if that's too difficult, eating something healthy for one meal). The next goal is 2 pounds. Then 5 pounds. Then 7 pounds, etc. The goals start off easy and get progressively harder. For each goal, you reward him with physical intimacy.
If that doesn't work, then you go to Def-Con 5, which means your guy is either severely depressed or has low testosterone. Possibly both. That needs to be dealt with medically, and possibly with diet.
It's worth pointing out that the diet that might be best for you to lose weight is not necessarily what's best for him to lose weight. It's doubtful you're going to get him where he needs to be on an all-cabbage diet. Men naturally need larger portions than women, even when losing weight. Protein is very important too, because protein builds muscle and muscle burns more calories.
Metabolisms naturally slow down as we get older, and your husband is at the age where his metabolism is probably starting to slow down, and he may not be used to that. But that doesn't mean his metabolism can't be boosted, and diet has a lot to do with that. That's why just lowering calorie intake doesn't work if it slows down your metabolism. It's easier to maintain weight than to lose it, so actually losing weight is going to take a lot of effort. So perhaps, early goals should be to just stop the weight gain.
Another factor is job stress. If his job is very stressful, that could be a contributing factor to the sudden weight gain. I unfortunately can't offer much advice there other than quitting the job, which may not be practical.
As far as I know, he is. I haven’t had any direct contact with him since October 2021, it’s mostly been by proxy through P and people he’s made those allegations to. I’ll see if I can get some sort of paper trail but I think he knows what he’s doing on that front.
Yes, what you are asking is unfair. He was very clear upfront that he didn’t want pets in his life. He compromised anyway on letting you move in with an elderly dog. It’s unreasonable to expect him to be ok with another dog. You have to choose.
Why would you stay with someone when you’re six months in and describe the relationship as “okay”? This sounds exhausting and I couldn’t do it.
Dating is about finding someone you’re compatible with, who you enjoy spending time with, and who prioritizes, respects and cherishes you. When someone’s not it, move on quickly.
Talk to your local police and let them know you feel in danger because of this man. Tell them that he’s tracked you down before and you’re afraid that he’ll do it again.
Use a computer that isn’t yours to find local women’s shelters so you can find a safer place to stay. If you’re in the US, /u/Ebbie45 has some resources you can look into
I’m concerned for my own sons. Your responses were very informative. It will help support me on what to look out for when they are old enough to groom. I’m a survivor of adolescent SA as well as SA throughout the timeline of my adult life. I’ve experienced and encounter lots of types and ages of people. You a female creep. If the roles were reversed it would look even worse. Hopefully he’d like the rest of his generation and he’s chasing the bag and gets his age appropriate girlfriend a new purse. ????♀️ enjoy your label for life
I think you may be missing the fact that most women don't orgasm from intercourse. So, while you're seeing it as “she gets head and I don't”, she may be seeing it as “we both get to come”.
He’s lying. He got lap dances. They do get algae for cokes in these places and they’ll try to get the dancers to get you to buy this cheap ass nonalcoholic sparkling apple cider at $40 a bottle. He broke your trust and then lied about it for days. You’re not doing your child any favors by staying in a toxic situation. I can tell you that from experience
Okie dokie pump the breaks dude. A woman’s orgasm starts in her brain. What are you doing to connect with her emotionally? Are you two taking about sex and what do those conversations look like? It’s been 18 years for my husband, The Saint, and I and we still discuss our wants and needs frequently. Sex is a very fluid changing thing. Couples can fall into dry spells because they forget about the deep emotions with intimacy. If she has to constantly take care of you like she’s your mother or listen to you play video games for hours a day while she’s left alone, she isn’t going to want to give you that deep emotions and sexual vulnerability. If you are using the same moves from 3 years ago…it’s boring. Ask. Her. What. She. Wants. Then do it. Read some smutty books and take notes. Touch her more than 2 places for 5 minutes. Unplug and pay attention to her.
She is not a child, although acts like one. She has made the choice. She knows that he is married and has children. He probably won't leave his wife until after the kids move out, if ever.
It's not your place to tell him to back off. Now if you wanted to tell the wife, I think that would be understandable.
It is really up to you where you stand. If you feel this strongly, and I don't blame you tell her. I can support anything to assist in the dissolution of a marriage. If he wanted her, he would at least ask for separation but he didn't, he's hiding. Hoping he can have his cake and eat it. And the bottom will fall out and I don't think it will work out well for your friend, but that's the consequences of her actions.
Get this woman out of your life. This “friendship” is not compatible with your relationship. Either break up with him, or you both have to go zero contact with her. Your boyfriend’s response to all of this is absurd by the way. Does he respect you or the boundaries you’ve set at all? He’s not exactly working very hot to keep her crazy out of your relationship, and he has a sexual past with her!? He is choosing HER. I want you to get that. He IS choosing HER. His actions are not benign. “I’m sleeping with her because it was too hot not too! I just gave up.” Weakness. Pathetic. You deserve better.
When I was 15, I got black out drunk and went home, took all my clothes off and went to bed. Mom called ambulance. They said I was drunk. Got grounded and missed going to see Black Sabbath on my birthday back in 1979.
It’s really very hot to tell unless you had some sort of soreness. I wouldn’t let your mind go too wild about it. People do lots of shit when they’re that fucked up, like strip hot.
there’s nothing to manage. your coworker is disrespecting your relationship bc he’s into you and you’re allowing it. you need to stick with your partner and keep this coworker at arm’s length
Finally you are putting it together. Stop being naive and thinking this dude is a friends or is not trying to do some shady shit. Their are some people in this world who love nothing more than drive a wedge into things just so they can try to slide in. Especially if they hate said person and in your case he hates your boyfriend and that you choose him, you say it’s been 5 years does all of his acts seem genuine now that you are finally seeing things for what they are.
I mean I get that she is moody after he fantasy of her has been crushed. But he absolutly didn't lie to her. Opinions can change. Consent can change.
And the real problem isn't her being in a bad mood but her still trying to make him do it after he cleary expressed how uncomfortable he is with all of that
Take this as permission to leave. He is abusing you financially (and maybe in other ways). The money you make is yours. You deserve the right to control it. No one has the right to say that you can’t have a checking account because you’re an adult. No one has the right to tell you that you can’t buy a coffee when your bills are paid. No one has the right to control you this way!
If you lose people when you leave him, it will be very hot. These people aren’t good or healthy for you, though. They are acting against you and your kids’ health and well being.
If you have not done so, it may be helpful to read up on financial abuse. It may also be helpful to read up on deconstructing from controlling religious systems (religious deconstructing, deconstructing faith, evangelical deconstructing are all good search terms). You do not have to leave Christianity behind if you do not want to (I am a liberal feminist Christian with piercings and tattoos!), but it can be helpful to separate our idea of God from the legalistic control you have had to endure.
Congratulations. You are just good enough to date.
Honestly though. Love can deepen. I started out with girls that I thought were good but not great and ended up deeply in love with them. I would have never told them this and that is his stupidity/immaturity. You need to gauge whether he is in it for the long haul or just for the time being.
Why with him when they kicked me out? The relationship between me and my parents is between us first and my boyfriend comes after that. I knew them separately from my boyfriend
It's bring given to you, not your partner. He can live elsewhere if he doesn't like it. His feelings of indebtedness are his problem. He needs to work on that and not make it your problem too.
Why do you think your wife needs to meet her grandmother, who ignored her son's horrendous abuse of your wife? Who refuses to acknowledge she raised a monster and turned a blind eye to him nearly killing her granddaughter?
And who is even now completely disrespecting your wife because she thinks her abusive son deserves the chance to inflict more pain and stress on your wife?
Can you explain why you and your wife have any reason to trust or believe she is any different from the selfish person she has always been? She is the woman who thinks her son, who beat and terrorized your wife as a child, then threw her out of the family, is an innocent man who deserves to meet his son-in-law and grandchild.
She's a wicked, evil old woman who does not deserve the consideration you and your wife are affording her.
He's pissy because you're not his bang maid anymore and that now that you're on a good path it's making him look bad, at least in his mind, he needs to find his own path so that he can feel good about himself without putting you down. Maybe a marriage counselor will be able to make him see how he is.
This is her problem and you can’t fix it. She needs to know that if she can’t fix it it’s probably the end of the marriage because there’s no reason for you to go through life being harangued for something out of your control. She knew this when she married you and still chose to, now she has to live with it or not be married. There’s literally nothing you can do.
Comedy option: suggest that as a fix you sleep with one man for every woman you slept with, to cancel them out.
WTAF? Is he cheating on you with this woman? And yes, it's abusive. Don't ignore your gut – there's a reason his reaction was disproportionate-seeming. Ask the woman.
Her not working has little to do with her diabetes and everything to do with her lack of doing the work with her sugar. You don’t need to take care of her. She needs to take care of her.
He's a cheater. And worse, he's a cheater in an open relationship. That takes quite some doing. You have been more than accommodating. You're doing the right thing by leaving.
Even worse. I wonder if he plays that game some men play? The one where they get young women to trust them because they are married with kids?
He could have misread the note. He thinks you two have a “connection” so this is his chance. Basically an imaginary crush that thinks you may have on him & vice versa… He just wants to be “helpful”
Advice from a 50+ woman…ALWAYS trust your instinct. I suggest you don't go alone with him but go as a group.
Well, a shirtless photo isnt very innocent, is it? Hmmmm.
If he's “reserved” and doesnt share much of anything that could also indicate that he's more “private” than other people and guards his phone more closely for no reason other than he is more “reserved”.
It is still very difficult to draw any conclusions. Its probalby more important to be aware of how he treats you, how he uses his phone – are there any signs he is texting someone more or quickly screenlocking it, and just generally how the relationship is going.
I believe all US states that still acknowledge common law require you to present yourself as husband and wife to be common law married. ie him saying you’re not my wife is enough.
You said they were going through a rough patch (which, you can't be in a “rough patch” in your relationship if you're not in a relationship) and you lied about her being at your house because you “had no loyalty to him.” Clearly you knew it wasn't totally on the up-and-up.
You also could have told him at any point but you're fine with covering for her as well, so…
Nothing really. You’ve messaged first multiple times. If her responses are shorter and conversation dwindles out quickly, leave the ball in her court. If she’s still interested, she’ll reach out to you when work slows down.
Honestly If the my mention it, just say “actually funny you mentioned it! This is yours, it seemed in good condition on the side of the road so I grabbed it lol”
Explain that to her. I mean, she's in your school as well, why is it very hot for her to understand that portion?
You can try setting dates outside of the school, so that you can try being yourself a little more. I also came from a school that was very narrow minded so I know the struggle.
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We were married for five years, together for ten. We have two kids together. I recently discovered that he was cheating on me, on and off for our entire marriage. I’m obviously devastated. Another part about this whole situation that stings is that I feel like his life is going to be much easier than mine now. I will have the two kids full time and he just gets to walk away. Of course he will have to pay child support, but I will be working full time and basically raising the kids on my own. I also feel like he will be able to continue dating and have a good life. For me – I’m feeling pretty depleted when I think about what my future will look like. I’ll be so busy just trying to survive that even if I were to find the time to date again, no one will be interested in me because of the baggage that I come along with. It all just seems so unfair. He’s the one that screwed everything up, and I’m the one who will pay for it all in the end.
You don't just sit down next to a girl and have a chat and say, “I'm also going to Paris. You want to hang out maybe get some dinner?” Being extroverted isn't an excuse for not having self-control and just going on dates with random women you meet.
Sure, you may not go further than hanging out, talking, and dinner, but you're still being disloyal to your GF. Especially not telling her about it until after. Did you even tell the girl you met up with in Paris about this, or did you forget to mention that?
Depends on if you want to give her the opportunity to change your mind. You don't “owe” her anything beyond notification that the relationship is over. If she's cheating on you, all that telling her will do is teach her to hide it better. If she isn't cheating, she deserves to be with someone who doesn't second guess her every action. And you deserve to be with someone you're not constantly suspicious of.
It seems like her passivity is because she’s not enjoying the sex that much. If you see turning her on as a burden and slowing yourself down so she can have one orgasm with a vibrator- it’s pretty lousy. Where’s the passion? Is there stress or resentments that are interfering with your ability to connect with each other?
Yeah but he's asking WHY she and other women like dressing up, not why it's perfectly ok. Yes it's ok because it's her right, but the reasons why women dress the way they do vary from person to person.
A lot of women (me included) like dressing up to look good to everyone – men, women, and especially myself. Some women might be looking to get laid. Some women might just like to experiment with fashion. Some feel empowerment. Confidence. Creativity.
Tons of legitimate reasons women dress up so I dunno if you missed the question or just get snappy around these topics.
Never is a long time. I would say after marriage, you should be able to look through their phone if need be.
In some respects I am a very private person and value my privacy even married. For example, I do not allow my husband to come into the bathroom when I am using it, like if I am washing or using the toilet. However we have been together 27 years, married 24, and in all this time, YES there have been a few instances of me needing him to come in during these times. Maybe twice, no more than thrice.
So I would say respect your husband's need for privacy in this way but also tell him that there may come a time when he needs you to access his phone during your decades together, and he should be open to that. If he's not willing to EVER give you, as his wife, access to his phone for any reason then you have some considering to do before you marry him. You're the only one who can decide if this is a dealbreaker or not.
Just organise the trip you want to go on, tell him to give you half the $ and take leave for those dates. Why does he have to organise trips away? Just plan what you want to do and make it happen. If he refuses to come along, then you have a problem.
The fact that he doesn't take your feelings seriously is an issue. If my GF says that she has an issue with something, I try to take immediate action or try to compromise. He did neither.
That's a possibility, sure. Red flags aren't a “end this relationship” thing though, just something you should pay heavy attention to. They're no doubt much more nuance when actually handling a relationship in regards to this, the OC is making a general comment on reddit after all.
I have a high sex drive, but have never & will never force my partner to have sex with me. She can take care of herself, I'm sure. I think she has a problem, and it's much deeper than what she's telling you.
Also, I think you're moving very quickly, moving in together so soon. (But that's a whole other thing. Lol)
Honesty, I think there are 2 types of women that fall within this type, the ones that their whole life have dreamt to be a SAHM and choose the first guy they fall in love with (even if the guy s-CLS as a provider. And those who just don’t want to work.
Both of these type of women sacrifice their physical, mental and emotional health and their children’s for it.
I used to know a Soldier that was dating her childhood sweetheart. The first year I knew her, she would talk about how he was going to join the active duty side and they would have to move around, so she would have to be a SATM. The second year of knowing her, she said he could pass the drug test so he was going to learn a trade, third year we are told we are deploying, so she gets pregnant by her boyfriend who at that time was unemployed. We didn’t deploy, 4th year he cheats on her, 5 years we are getting deployed so she gets pregnant, they canceled it again. Now we are I. The 6th year, guy has left her, can’t pay child support because he is unemployed and can’t get serious jobs because he can’t stop getting high. She is upset, and complains all the time about this guy… one day I tell her… you knew at some point he was a deadbeat and you wasted your time on him, what did you think was going to happen? She said, the heart wants what they want and I wanted to have a traditional marriage.
Not only was she NOT a SAHM, she has to support her family and take care of her kids because they guy sucks, because she had a dream that was not realistic at all. He was very hot btw.
Try r/pornfree
It took me 2 years to break free from this addiction. And I wanted to be free! Your BF has to want to get free himself or nothing will ever work. Ever.
I had a friend with whom I could be honest. I have a router with porn blockers on it; but still I found my way around it.
It takes 3 months (!) without porn to get to the HARDEST part!!! At that point it very slowly starts getting easier.
Suggestions: Read the post from u/anamesnotimportant. Check out the “about” section of r/pornfree. Check out sanon.org. Set up your router so you are the admin he is like a child. Pray. Or follow u/tossout7878’s advice.
Good luck!!!
Has he ever had a job before? If not, how is he managing in the world?
The best thing would be to suggest some sort of career coaching to him, that way you are not the person to offer him this feedback.
Also, for the record, did he flunk out of school? If not, do you think his 'joke' is even clear to the interviewer?
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Yeah I read that part of the post wrong – for some reason I read it as she woke up before he did it.
Either way ITS NOT OKAY
– but I'm going to edit my comment 😛
What the fresh FUNT did I just read? OP no. Just no. A whole bag of nos.
Firstly, moving in with someone you've only known for six months is ill advised.
Secondly, you've expressed a boundary around this, frankly, disturbing behaviour and this man has repeatedly disregarded it. What he is doing is strange, domineering, and very unhygienic. You've asked him to stop and he, rather disturbingly, said you “must take it” then gaslit you as well. This gives you anxiety every day but he still ignores you, chases you, and physically overpowers you to do it anyway.
How many more signs do you need to leave this relationship before his behaviour escalates?
My now husband of over 14 years (21 together) was exactly like this. I just gave up on the idea we would ever get married and got pregnant (he agreed he wanted kids). We bought a house and everything too. Then when I was about 7 months pregnant, he told me he had an early Christmas gift for me (it was a week before Xmas). Turns out it was a calendar and when I flipped to that day, it said happy anniversary. He was on one knee. When he asked me to marry him and I said yes, he then told me that I needed to get ready because the wedding was in 2 hours. He had already set everything up. It was awesome. We told our families by making them watch a YouTube video. One year later, we had a wedding reenactment and reception for our anniversary.
Thank you! I feel insecure because of offhand remarks like “I'm going through too many guys” from my mother–I've only(?) dated two other guys from the beginning of HS, so like five years ago, but nobody around me really has which makes me feel like I'd cause drama or something even though the vapid boy-crazy girl stereotype is firstly probably degrading to women and secondly something I feel I couldn't be further from. Thanks again for the reassurance.
oof it sounds like he's just kind of an idiot and put his foot in his mouth. I'm sure he regrets his words immensely lol. A lot of men also really can't understand the absolutely wild changes that happen to your body throughout pregnancy and childbirth. They just think it's some kind of womens maternal thing thats easy to accept when its really fucking not. I think it would be a good idea to sit down during a neutral time (IE not when you're about to have sex for the first time since giving birth) and explain to him everything thats going on.
I totally understand where you're coming from and its so very hot. The changes happen too fast and you don't really have time to even comprehend them, especially once the baby comes. It's important to let your partner know how you're feeling.
THIS!!! My very first thought. I think he is druggy f her in order to rape and violate her.
THIS!!! My very first thought. I think he is druggy f her in order to rape and violate her.
Alright. It’s your time to shine. Act like a total crazy pants and then say, I thought you perceived me as boring. Sorry. I’m kidding. Don’t do that. But don’t let that list make you doubt yourself. Just talk to him.
i feel bad for that dog. you can definitely still break up with her, pay child support
Use your imagination. She could have easily cheated recently and exposed herself to it, whether she actually contracted it or not. Then, it didn't have to even be the friend's actual water bottle. She could have put some paste on the bottle and laid her trap.
Btw, this is far more probable than her doing it for lulz.
It will cost her nothing to throw it in the washer. She's being ridiculous.
Look, I don't think she's in the right. She probably did lie about things she said or didn't say. She sounds awful.
HOWEVER, the thing to do in situations like this in interpersonal relationships is to trust your memory and dump them if you feel lied to and especially gaslit, not record others without their consent. Doing that will ruin any interpersonal relationship you ever do it in— it makes people paranoid (you could always be recording and catch something embarrassing (not even evil, just embarrassing) that they do or say) and pretty much abolishes trust and privacy forever. Only do it to people you never want to see again.
It sounds like this time you did not have the confidence to trust your memory this time— that's something to fix going forward. You need to have that confidence and trust in yourself and your sanity or you will keep attracting manipulators. They can sniff out people who can be convinced they heard something that never happened. Manipulators do not date people who trust themselves for very long.
Lastly and most importantly— stop talking to her. You all are broken up and the relationship sounds toxic as hell. Messaging her just to play the tape was very immature. You don't have to “win” the breakup—- that's not a thing. I know you thought it would make you feel better, but interacting with nonsense just drags it out. Cut her off. Your closure is that she lied to you at least once and that you all bring out the worst in each other. Cut her off and put this all behind you. You learned a lot from this relationship— now put it to use.
This is the way OP. That last paragraph you should really drink in.
for somone who graduated college you certainly arent too bright
You should focus on having a good conversation with her before planning a date
Interesting. I’ve purchased all my electronics refurbished and they ended up being just as new. But I hear you. Thanks.
damn, wish my wife would cheat on me!
Yeah, I was just about to comment on this! I’d have serious questions about whether this was my child!
No, I do not unfortunately
Yeah, it’s super hypocritical. Especially love it when gay people are being called transphobes for… being gay.
So here it is:
My grandmas cousin has a daughter. This daughter also has a daughter and that is my currenr gf. So why is she once removed when we are the same Generation?
I tend to be chaotic when I explain myself + I'm not a native speaker. Sorry if anything was unclear!
You want to go to HR because the guy acts professional? Sounds like an idea. Not a good one. Falsely claiming someone is creating a hostile work environment is itself creating a hostile work environment. This is your workplace not a playground. Adults don’t get mad because someone won’t be their friend.
I get that it’s a bit weird that he doesn’t socialize with any of the women at all, but do you really want to socialize with someone who doesn’t want to socialize with you? Maybe he’s been accused of harassment before or maybe he hates women? If he isn’t doing anything to impede your ability to do your job, it’s something you should just let go.
Now if he were management that would be a different story. At my job we had a meeting recently where we were reminded that anyone manager level or higher was required to socialize with all genders because it could be framed as a hostile environment if we were seen as only socializing with one gender. We were also reminded to keep anyone below us at arms length and to not spend too much time outside of work with employees.
I don’t understand what 70% of your post has to do with your issue other than making excuses for yourself. Stop being a dick to her. Sounds like it happens more often than one time
Therapy.
If your primary emption right now is rage at your friend and ex—rather than grief for your grandfather—you’re displacing your feelings in a big way. You need to talk to someone you trust who can help you process your emotions.
Your friend sucks for not giving you a heads-up that your ex would be there, but for you to still be boiling over it two days later? With a “rage in your heart” you haven’t experienced before?
Therapy.
She tells me she loves me, she also even tells me a little bit about herself.
You’re nasty asf
Hi! Dog breeder here. I was having issues getting my dogs “in the mood” so a friend of mine (breeder from another state) sent me a quick video on how to get them “in the mood”. Worked like a charm I’ve had 20+ successful liters now! (This is sarcasm idk why I’m defending it I just thought this comment would be funny)
A lot of people have ideas how to try to get the ashes back. The other thing I would really like you to consider is getting some professional emotional support. You have been through so much, and it would probably be good for you to have some help processing everything that’s happened, and move forward from a healthy place.
The subtlest way to deal with this problem would be to buy him a gym membership for his next birthday / anniversary / special occasion. Most men would take the hint.
But from the sound of it, that might not be enough at this point. I mean it's worth trying, if there's any chance it might work, before going to the next stage…
The next stage is withholding physical intimacy. This needs to be done in a deliberate way. In fact, you should get separate beds, because it's extra torture (for both of you) to avoiding intimacy while sharing a bed.
While this may sound cruel, it's better than nagging. Men absolutely hate nagging. By constantly nagging him, you're making the situation worse. And it also makes a guy feel effeminate to be nagged by his wife to do something he probably deep down knows he should be doing but can't find the motivation to do. Tough love is better than nagging.
Men respond better to positive reinforcement. And while withholding intimacy doesn't seem like positive reinforcement, it will become positive reinforcement when he starts wanting sex, and the only way he can get it is to accomplish certain physical fitness goals. There's no greater motivator in men than desire for sex.
The way you do this is you gamify fitness goals for your husband to accomplish. The first goal should be really really easy — like just losing a single pound (or if that's too difficult, eating something healthy for one meal). The next goal is 2 pounds. Then 5 pounds. Then 7 pounds, etc. The goals start off easy and get progressively harder. For each goal, you reward him with physical intimacy.
If that doesn't work, then you go to Def-Con 5, which means your guy is either severely depressed or has low testosterone. Possibly both. That needs to be dealt with medically, and possibly with diet.
It's worth pointing out that the diet that might be best for you to lose weight is not necessarily what's best for him to lose weight. It's doubtful you're going to get him where he needs to be on an all-cabbage diet. Men naturally need larger portions than women, even when losing weight. Protein is very important too, because protein builds muscle and muscle burns more calories.
Metabolisms naturally slow down as we get older, and your husband is at the age where his metabolism is probably starting to slow down, and he may not be used to that. But that doesn't mean his metabolism can't be boosted, and diet has a lot to do with that. That's why just lowering calorie intake doesn't work if it slows down your metabolism. It's easier to maintain weight than to lose it, so actually losing weight is going to take a lot of effort. So perhaps, early goals should be to just stop the weight gain.
Another factor is job stress. If his job is very stressful, that could be a contributing factor to the sudden weight gain. I unfortunately can't offer much advice there other than quitting the job, which may not be practical.
As far as I know, he is. I haven’t had any direct contact with him since October 2021, it’s mostly been by proxy through P and people he’s made those allegations to. I’ll see if I can get some sort of paper trail but I think he knows what he’s doing on that front.
None of this sounds like flirting.
Thank you, this is a relieving answer.
Yes, what you are asking is unfair. He was very clear upfront that he didn’t want pets in his life. He compromised anyway on letting you move in with an elderly dog. It’s unreasonable to expect him to be ok with another dog. You have to choose.
Why would you stay with someone when you’re six months in and describe the relationship as “okay”? This sounds exhausting and I couldn’t do it.
Dating is about finding someone you’re compatible with, who you enjoy spending time with, and who prioritizes, respects and cherishes you. When someone’s not it, move on quickly.
Talk to your local police and let them know you feel in danger because of this man. Tell them that he’s tracked you down before and you’re afraid that he’ll do it again.
Use a computer that isn’t yours to find local women’s shelters so you can find a safer place to stay. If you’re in the US, /u/Ebbie45 has some resources you can look into
He’s just trying to keep his child support payments down. If he has less overnights, he could have to pay more. It’s all about him and his money.
Ask a Doctor, not reddit. It's the only way to know for sure.
I’m concerned for my own sons. Your responses were very informative. It will help support me on what to look out for when they are old enough to groom. I’m a survivor of adolescent SA as well as SA throughout the timeline of my adult life. I’ve experienced and encounter lots of types and ages of people. You a female creep. If the roles were reversed it would look even worse. Hopefully he’d like the rest of his generation and he’s chasing the bag and gets his age appropriate girlfriend a new purse. ????♀️ enjoy your label for life
Who you are in the past matters a lot less than who you are right now and who you want to be in the future.
I think you may be missing the fact that most women don't orgasm from intercourse. So, while you're seeing it as “she gets head and I don't”, she may be seeing it as “we both get to come”.
He’s lying. He got lap dances. They do get algae for cokes in these places and they’ll try to get the dancers to get you to buy this cheap ass nonalcoholic sparkling apple cider at $40 a bottle. He broke your trust and then lied about it for days. You’re not doing your child any favors by staying in a toxic situation. I can tell you that from experience
Delete your socials for the time being and change your phone number.
Okie dokie pump the breaks dude. A woman’s orgasm starts in her brain. What are you doing to connect with her emotionally? Are you two taking about sex and what do those conversations look like? It’s been 18 years for my husband, The Saint, and I and we still discuss our wants and needs frequently. Sex is a very fluid changing thing. Couples can fall into dry spells because they forget about the deep emotions with intimacy. If she has to constantly take care of you like she’s your mother or listen to you play video games for hours a day while she’s left alone, she isn’t going to want to give you that deep emotions and sexual vulnerability. If you are using the same moves from 3 years ago…it’s boring. Ask. Her. What. She. Wants. Then do it. Read some smutty books and take notes. Touch her more than 2 places for 5 minutes. Unplug and pay attention to her.
She is not a child, although acts like one. She has made the choice. She knows that he is married and has children. He probably won't leave his wife until after the kids move out, if ever.
It's not your place to tell him to back off. Now if you wanted to tell the wife, I think that would be understandable.
It is really up to you where you stand. If you feel this strongly, and I don't blame you tell her. I can support anything to assist in the dissolution of a marriage. If he wanted her, he would at least ask for separation but he didn't, he's hiding. Hoping he can have his cake and eat it. And the bottom will fall out and I don't think it will work out well for your friend, but that's the consequences of her actions.
Get this woman out of your life. This “friendship” is not compatible with your relationship. Either break up with him, or you both have to go zero contact with her. Your boyfriend’s response to all of this is absurd by the way. Does he respect you or the boundaries you’ve set at all? He’s not exactly working very hot to keep her crazy out of your relationship, and he has a sexual past with her!? He is choosing HER. I want you to get that. He IS choosing HER. His actions are not benign. “I’m sleeping with her because it was too hot not too! I just gave up.” Weakness. Pathetic. You deserve better.
They lost their common punching bag which was you. They need you back in there for more drama so they can have their “forbidden” chemistry again.
This was definitely written by the ‘great husband’ wasn’t it
I unfollowed him on every social media… should I add him again?
When I was 15, I got black out drunk and went home, took all my clothes off and went to bed. Mom called ambulance. They said I was drunk. Got grounded and missed going to see Black Sabbath on my birthday back in 1979.
It’s really very hot to tell unless you had some sort of soreness. I wouldn’t let your mind go too wild about it. People do lots of shit when they’re that fucked up, like strip hot.
No problem! Thanks for your help.
there’s nothing to manage. your coworker is disrespecting your relationship bc he’s into you and you’re allowing it. you need to stick with your partner and keep this coworker at arm’s length
Finally you are putting it together. Stop being naive and thinking this dude is a friends or is not trying to do some shady shit. Their are some people in this world who love nothing more than drive a wedge into things just so they can try to slide in. Especially if they hate said person and in your case he hates your boyfriend and that you choose him, you say it’s been 5 years does all of his acts seem genuine now that you are finally seeing things for what they are.
I mean I get that she is moody after he fantasy of her has been crushed. But he absolutly didn't lie to her. Opinions can change. Consent can change.
And the real problem isn't her being in a bad mood but her still trying to make him do it after he cleary expressed how uncomfortable he is with all of that
Should I open this topic and talk to her?
Take this as permission to leave. He is abusing you financially (and maybe in other ways). The money you make is yours. You deserve the right to control it. No one has the right to say that you can’t have a checking account because you’re an adult. No one has the right to tell you that you can’t buy a coffee when your bills are paid. No one has the right to control you this way!
If you lose people when you leave him, it will be very hot. These people aren’t good or healthy for you, though. They are acting against you and your kids’ health and well being.
If you have not done so, it may be helpful to read up on financial abuse. It may also be helpful to read up on deconstructing from controlling religious systems (religious deconstructing, deconstructing faith, evangelical deconstructing are all good search terms). You do not have to leave Christianity behind if you do not want to (I am a liberal feminist Christian with piercings and tattoos!), but it can be helpful to separate our idea of God from the legalistic control you have had to endure.
I know in my heart of hearts that she will never find someone who will love and care for her as much as I do
shut up, you don't even respect her enough to accept her decisions
Have you actually spoken about future plans? If not, seems a complete waste of 6 years if there’s no talk of a future
Congratulations. You are just good enough to date.
Honestly though. Love can deepen. I started out with girls that I thought were good but not great and ended up deeply in love with them. I would have never told them this and that is his stupidity/immaturity. You need to gauge whether he is in it for the long haul or just for the time being.
Btw you guys both sound young.
You are a 24 year old adult. Why don't you have a fully developed spine…??
You shouldn’t have moved in together when there are 3 children involved unless you see her as your everything and as your future.
Why with him when they kicked me out? The relationship between me and my parents is between us first and my boyfriend comes after that. I knew them separately from my boyfriend
If it’s causing him significant discomfort, or he’s worried about complications, he should talk to a urologist. But it’s his body, his choice.
If you can’t accept his choice, walk away.
It's bring given to you, not your partner. He can live elsewhere if he doesn't like it. His feelings of indebtedness are his problem. He needs to work on that and not make it your problem too.
Why do you think your wife needs to meet her grandmother, who ignored her son's horrendous abuse of your wife? Who refuses to acknowledge she raised a monster and turned a blind eye to him nearly killing her granddaughter?
And who is even now completely disrespecting your wife because she thinks her abusive son deserves the chance to inflict more pain and stress on your wife?
Can you explain why you and your wife have any reason to trust or believe she is any different from the selfish person she has always been? She is the woman who thinks her son, who beat and terrorized your wife as a child, then threw her out of the family, is an innocent man who deserves to meet his son-in-law and grandchild.
She's a wicked, evil old woman who does not deserve the consideration you and your wife are affording her.
Your boyfriend doesn't get a say in this.
This is your dad giving you a house.
If he doesn't want to feel in debt. Tell him that he can pay rent.
The sex cannot possibly be $25k in 3 months good.
BREAK UP. Break the FUCK up. Leave him, he will abuse you.
Zero! Literally zero. It is not ok to shout at people
He's pissy because you're not his bang maid anymore and that now that you're on a good path it's making him look bad, at least in his mind, he needs to find his own path so that he can feel good about himself without putting you down. Maybe a marriage counselor will be able to make him see how he is.
Is she bisexual? Has she ever asked for a three way?
You’re in a monogamous relationship. She might be hurt when you ask, because it gives the impression that she’s not enough.
If she is not enough, do her a favor and end it
This is her problem and you can’t fix it. She needs to know that if she can’t fix it it’s probably the end of the marriage because there’s no reason for you to go through life being harangued for something out of your control. She knew this when she married you and still chose to, now she has to live with it or not be married. There’s literally nothing you can do.
Comedy option: suggest that as a fix you sleep with one man for every woman you slept with, to cancel them out.
WTAF? Is he cheating on you with this woman? And yes, it's abusive. Don't ignore your gut – there's a reason his reaction was disproportionate-seeming. Ask the woman.
Does she take antidepressants? They can make you unable to physically orgasm.
Her not working has little to do with her diabetes and everything to do with her lack of doing the work with her sugar. You don’t need to take care of her. She needs to take care of her.
Leave and live your life without guilt.
He's a cheater. And worse, he's a cheater in an open relationship. That takes quite some doing. You have been more than accommodating. You're doing the right thing by leaving.
Even worse. I wonder if he plays that game some men play? The one where they get young women to trust them because they are married with kids?
He could have misread the note. He thinks you two have a “connection” so this is his chance. Basically an imaginary crush that thinks you may have on him & vice versa… He just wants to be “helpful”
Advice from a 50+ woman…ALWAYS trust your instinct. I suggest you don't go alone with him but go as a group.
Well, a shirtless photo isnt very innocent, is it? Hmmmm.
If he's “reserved” and doesnt share much of anything that could also indicate that he's more “private” than other people and guards his phone more closely for no reason other than he is more “reserved”.
It is still very difficult to draw any conclusions. Its probalby more important to be aware of how he treats you, how he uses his phone – are there any signs he is texting someone more or quickly screenlocking it, and just generally how the relationship is going.
No shameful animosity from me has deterred her before, so I’m looking for new tactics.
No, I'm not going to be giving you advice on how to more effectively bully your wife.
I believe all US states that still acknowledge common law require you to present yourself as husband and wife to be common law married. ie him saying you’re not my wife is enough.
So when her spouse goes away presumably the same applies to him?
You said they were going through a rough patch (which, you can't be in a “rough patch” in your relationship if you're not in a relationship) and you lied about her being at your house because you “had no loyalty to him.” Clearly you knew it wasn't totally on the up-and-up.
You also could have told him at any point but you're fine with covering for her as well, so…
He didn't choose, he settled, and he isn't protecting her feelings, he is making her out to be the bad guy to the friend group.
Maybe you're right but that was when I was like 13-14. Yes I did and said stupid things but I didn't mean to be condescending.
I want to believe this is a troll post.
Come on. You don’t find him attractive? Why did you marry him?
Him looking at women live or consuming porn has nothing to do with you.
I don’t see how his past is relevant.
Seems to me that you might want to work with a therapist for your self esteem and insecurity.
I do only believe in monogamy, but thats not the point.
you want to have meaningless sex with someone else, polyamory is when you have multiple loving relationships.
You just want to cheat.
He's a 30 year old liar. You can do better.
Nothing really. You’ve messaged first multiple times. If her responses are shorter and conversation dwindles out quickly, leave the ball in her court. If she’s still interested, she’ll reach out to you when work slows down.
Honestly If the my mention it, just say “actually funny you mentioned it! This is yours, it seemed in good condition on the side of the road so I grabbed it lol”
Explain that to her. I mean, she's in your school as well, why is it very hot for her to understand that portion?
You can try setting dates outside of the school, so that you can try being yourself a little more. I also came from a school that was very narrow minded so I know the struggle.
If it's not going well and you're not even married yet why stick around?
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
We were married for five years, together for ten. We have two kids together. I recently discovered that he was cheating on me, on and off for our entire marriage. I’m obviously devastated. Another part about this whole situation that stings is that I feel like his life is going to be much easier than mine now. I will have the two kids full time and he just gets to walk away. Of course he will have to pay child support, but I will be working full time and basically raising the kids on my own. I also feel like he will be able to continue dating and have a good life. For me – I’m feeling pretty depleted when I think about what my future will look like. I’ll be so busy just trying to survive that even if I were to find the time to date again, no one will be interested in me because of the baggage that I come along with. It all just seems so unfair. He’s the one that screwed everything up, and I’m the one who will pay for it all in the end.
Idiot. I fucking love accents.so cute
Porn addict. Too much masturbation.
You don't just sit down next to a girl and have a chat and say, “I'm also going to Paris. You want to hang out maybe get some dinner?” Being extroverted isn't an excuse for not having self-control and just going on dates with random women you meet.
Sure, you may not go further than hanging out, talking, and dinner, but you're still being disloyal to your GF. Especially not telling her about it until after. Did you even tell the girl you met up with in Paris about this, or did you forget to mention that?
Don't stay friends. It'll be very very hot for you to lose feelings and move on from her. She's not a friend.
Depends on if you want to give her the opportunity to change your mind. You don't “owe” her anything beyond notification that the relationship is over. If she's cheating on you, all that telling her will do is teach her to hide it better. If she isn't cheating, she deserves to be with someone who doesn't second guess her every action. And you deserve to be with someone you're not constantly suspicious of.
This is definitely the best plan that cannot possibly go awry ???
It seems like her passivity is because she’s not enjoying the sex that much. If you see turning her on as a burden and slowing yourself down so she can have one orgasm with a vibrator- it’s pretty lousy. Where’s the passion? Is there stress or resentments that are interfering with your ability to connect with each other?
Yeah but he's asking WHY she and other women like dressing up, not why it's perfectly ok. Yes it's ok because it's her right, but the reasons why women dress the way they do vary from person to person.
A lot of women (me included) like dressing up to look good to everyone – men, women, and especially myself. Some women might be looking to get laid. Some women might just like to experiment with fashion. Some feel empowerment. Confidence. Creativity.
Tons of legitimate reasons women dress up so I dunno if you missed the question or just get snappy around these topics.
Never is a long time. I would say after marriage, you should be able to look through their phone if need be.
In some respects I am a very private person and value my privacy even married. For example, I do not allow my husband to come into the bathroom when I am using it, like if I am washing or using the toilet. However we have been together 27 years, married 24, and in all this time, YES there have been a few instances of me needing him to come in during these times. Maybe twice, no more than thrice.
So I would say respect your husband's need for privacy in this way but also tell him that there may come a time when he needs you to access his phone during your decades together, and he should be open to that. If he's not willing to EVER give you, as his wife, access to his phone for any reason then you have some considering to do before you marry him. You're the only one who can decide if this is a dealbreaker or not.
Just organise the trip you want to go on, tell him to give you half the $ and take leave for those dates. Why does he have to organise trips away? Just plan what you want to do and make it happen. If he refuses to come along, then you have a problem.
Spending tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding at then not being able to afford a house is dumb. As is marrying someone who only wants your money.
The fact that he doesn't take your feelings seriously is an issue. If my GF says that she has an issue with something, I try to take immediate action or try to compromise. He did neither.
Then why do you care what Reddit thinks?
That's a possibility, sure. Red flags aren't a “end this relationship” thing though, just something you should pay heavy attention to. They're no doubt much more nuance when actually handling a relationship in regards to this, the OC is making a general comment on reddit after all.
No
I have a high sex drive, but have never & will never force my partner to have sex with me. She can take care of herself, I'm sure. I think she has a problem, and it's much deeper than what she's telling you.
Also, I think you're moving very quickly, moving in together so soon. (But that's a whole other thing. Lol)
Honesty, I think there are 2 types of women that fall within this type, the ones that their whole life have dreamt to be a SAHM and choose the first guy they fall in love with (even if the guy s-CLS as a provider. And those who just don’t want to work.
Both of these type of women sacrifice their physical, mental and emotional health and their children’s for it.
I used to know a Soldier that was dating her childhood sweetheart. The first year I knew her, she would talk about how he was going to join the active duty side and they would have to move around, so she would have to be a SATM. The second year of knowing her, she said he could pass the drug test so he was going to learn a trade, third year we are told we are deploying, so she gets pregnant by her boyfriend who at that time was unemployed. We didn’t deploy, 4th year he cheats on her, 5 years we are getting deployed so she gets pregnant, they canceled it again. Now we are I. The 6th year, guy has left her, can’t pay child support because he is unemployed and can’t get serious jobs because he can’t stop getting high. She is upset, and complains all the time about this guy… one day I tell her… you knew at some point he was a deadbeat and you wasted your time on him, what did you think was going to happen? She said, the heart wants what they want and I wanted to have a traditional marriage.
Not only was she NOT a SAHM, she has to support her family and take care of her kids because they guy sucks, because she had a dream that was not realistic at all. He was very hot btw.
Chefs kiss, thank you for this. That user is not at all offering anything helpful.