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It’s not normal for him to act like you’ve described. I believe that it shouldn’t be a reason to pull the plug on the fwb agreement but it is definitely the time to sit down and have a conversation on boundaries and expectations. A slap on the wrist if you will. Let him know what his actions made you think and why it might not be what you want and need at the moment. Develop strong communication so that it becomes a pleasant experience for the both of you because if you keep sleeping with him and he gets his hopes up that you might want to move things further it’ll crush him and put you in an awkward position. Just reiterate your expectations and let him know what you want and need, set the boundary and let him know he can’t cross it and it should be fine. It might be good to let him know what you don’t find comfortable, if he acts too lovey dovey and you don’t enjoy that as a fwb, let him know speak up. Communication! That’s all.
It’s very likely, something I have thought for a while.
Maybe it is time to go try get some help with it…
Yep, same. We stopped being friends.
Ive had similar happen, brought it here, i was told my S/O was/wanted to be, sleeping with them. Your not going to get real answers here
Friendship and romance are not the same at some point we all learn that
This sounds like a manic episode.
Or if and when kids come into the equation.
In her defense, while having a baby is life changing for both parents, for women it can really really shake you up. Physically, it’s so consuming, and it can be quite disorienting—especially for younger women.
I’m guessing that this is not her becoming a shitty person so much as her facing a deep crisis of personhood and identity. Now you’re telling me she was abandoned by her parents…you both most likely have unresolved trauma in the mix too. ♥️ that’s really nude.
She can’t behave like this, she HAS to get her shit straight and be a mother to this child or permanently remove herself to reduce the impact of her shittiness on your daughter.
No excuses for her, for sure, but it can be helpful to remember the reasons for her behavior when you’re dealing with her, for the purpose of creating a relationship that is truly focused on coparenting, instead of a toxic one focused on what’s broken between the two of you. Let me give you and example, below.
Instead of saying things like: “I can’t believe you’ve turned out to be a shit mom after what your own mother did to you, I won’t let you treat our daughter this way, see you in court!”
If you come from a place of keeping in mind why she’s behaving this way, you could instead try something more like:
“It’s clear to me that you are struggling to cope with the demand and 24/7ness of being a mom and I get that—you’re young and it’s a huge life change.
I see you really wanting to be out in the world as a young person, partying and being with other guys or whatever, being free and forming this new identity as an influencer. That hurts me for obvious reasons, but more importantly it’s really not good for our daughter or fair to the family we depend on for childcare that you are coming and going on a whim and pursuing the lifestyle of a single woman. This is not sustainable.
Obviously taking a break to sort out if we’re together anymore is necessary, but beyond that we need to make a plan for creating a really stable environment for our kid. I think we should each create what we think is an ideal plan for sharing and caring for her and then go over those plans together to create a final plan we can both agree on and that we can run by family we’ll need babysitting help from”
Does that make sense?
I learned personally how hot it can be to co-parent with someone who is deeply angry and irrational about the relationship ending—it can get sooooo toxic. You really, really want to invest a lot of effort into transforming the relationship bond into a co-parenting bond.
Let me put it to you this way: if she continues falling apart like this, can’t get it together, and you guys simply cannot be together anymore…what do you think her first move is going to be? That’s right: new boyfriend. And what caliber of person does it sound like she’s hanging around with right now? How soon until this person is hanging around your kid?
Like my divorce attorney told me: drive the bus. You want to be driving the bus. Reach out to her with zero passive aggression and propose things like what I outlined above. Build the proof of you being the responsible parent who is actually working with her to try and create stability for this kid. Deny yourself the delicious indulgence of snapping at her with little digs, etc. Build a co-parenting relationship as best you can so that when she wants to go to a party or music festival or whatever, she comes to you with “can you watch her?” instead of leaving your child with a random neighbor or whatever.
Really think about how bad it could be, if she can’t collect herself and keeps heading down this path, and I know you’ll come to the conclusion that you putting your own feelings aside and creating a co-parenting relationship where she feels like she communicate and ask you for help, etc, is really what’s best for your kiddo.
Good luck. I’ve been there. I tried for fifteen years with a really big piece of shit…I just carried and carried him. When I left, he feel apart soooo naked, unfortunately to the point of neglecting and abusing my children. It’s devastating to see the person you made children with turn out to be such a poor parent.
I am deeply hopeful that your gf experiences some compassion that leads to clarity, and that she pulls herself back from the edge of shitty parenting and steps up for your baby girl. Let’s break cycles, not repeat them!!
I think he means Individual Counselling. Meaning of course therapy which I would also advise. Please do find a therapist so you can stop self sabotaging your happiness. You need to find out why you reacted this way to your hurt at 19.
I'm a big proponent of take it or leave it. If you ask for my opinion I will give you the unvarnished truth of what I believe and you can take it or leave it. I believe that I was asked. So it's up to OP. I am sure he will get plenty of opinions the opposite of mine.
A 22 year old can have a stable career and a place to on-line lol. I knew 22 year olds who had a career and two kids and 28 year olds that were bartending and couch surfing. It’s wild to think everyone goes through life at the same rate.
I'd put money that what was bothering him was a day at the park with the kids so he just created a fight to get out of it and still be the victim.
If all she was doing was telling him how much better you are, no that's not “emotional cheating”. If you do need to affix some pop psych jargon to it it's more like what some call “closure”. Ask yourself how you'd have reacted had she told you at the time. If it's similar to how you're reacting now that's why she didn't immediately report this to you (like you're the school Principal and she has to rat herself out). Honestly, this is only a big deal if you make it into one.
Op- I’m curious, are the parents taking a salary?
Do you feel that they are milking the business for everything because it’s been theirs for years and they feel it’s owed to them?
If so, the solution is to suggest they stop taking a salary. If they refuse, then why should any of the kids work for free? Fair is fair.
And with what you said about selling, especially considering it’s a dying industry, it makes all the sense in the world to liquidate any assets. Let them on-line off that. Emotions don’t make for good business partners, and emotions don’t pay the bills.
If it’s a dying industry, and they’re figuring 3-5 years of habitual volunteer hours from the kids to just recover, then it’s DOA. There’s no recovering from that, and who’s to say that the industry won’t be worse in 5 years, regardless of whether they are out of that hole or not. Asking the kids to work is fanning the fire. Nothing good can come from that
This isn't something you can compromise on. This means you need to break up. Maybe not now, but eventually.
It’s ok they are not really related silly
Na f that man, divorce and get out. I want to say stay involved with the kids because it’s not their fault but they’re still young and will prob forget. Let him care for them. End that, sorry for being blunt but i don’t play that, all that church and still did you dirty smh
They weren't friends, she started talking to him after I broke up with him, wich I think makes this even worse
Unclear. It has been almost a decade since we split and we seem to be different yet still compatible people.(?)
Absolutely not. He's never done it before. He has 30 thousand plus men cross dressing and degrading women, the condom in trash, you may never know what's actually going on. The lack of sex and attraction… you don't deserve to feel like this, you don't deserve to even need to ask questions. But you better be glad you did. Save yourself now. Things don't just magically get better from here. He needs help and it's not your problem honestly. He's fucked up
Is it really that big of a deal…? If she doesn't care, I'm not sure why you do
Worst case, you come across the video – just turn it off?? You're 100% in control of this situation man
Your ex is not “conservative”, he's a bit of a psychopath, and I don't say that casually. His viewpoints on revenge are extremely concerning and dangerous. You are not responsible for the behavior or your past relationships. You are only responsible for your own actions. If you were able to allow your cheating exes to walk away and not try to force them to stay with you or threaten them into staying that says more about your integrity, which is good. I see many posts on this site where the person who was cheated on desperately tries to get the their cheating ex to pick them (the pick me dance) and they toss aside all of their self respect. The more I read on this site the more I am convinced the best course of action is to become a stone and let them go. I think you dodged a bullet here and it's too bad you wasted so much time on someone who clearly doesn't respect anyone including himself.
You sound like you would do the same as her