Okay so you disagree with the UT at Austin studies on how looks affect pay or the Cornell study on how looks affect prison sentences?
If you do, I'd love for you to site some studies, because it's obvious to most people that good looking people are given what is often termed pretty privilege.
And you think it's woman hating to note that once attractiveness fades that a person faces a different world with different opportunities and would be unable to evolve to face that reality?
I wouldn't move to a new more expensive place with her until you sit down and discuss how you know relationships to be and hearing her out on how she thinks relationships are meant to be… I would start out with, “I feel like we are experiencing some cultural differences in our relationship and I want us to talk about the role of money in relationships so we can come to a compromise between both of our expectations. For Australia, being in a relationship means that couples pay shared bills together, that are divided based on income. Individual expenses are handled individually. Dates are paid by whomever is planning, with situational exceptions. Trips are a mix of that as well.
In the Ukraine how do couples handle thier finances, can you please lay it out for me?”
Her explosiveness however, makes me feel like you are being used, and she is avoiding losing that… But it could just be her assuming you should know, what she inherently knows about how couples divide money.”
Why would I want him? We share a lot. We have 15 years worth of memories and experiences together. Even now, sometimes we would be in a room together and talk as if we have no issues.
I defo am not leaving this relationship empty handed. He even says I’ve got the best thing in the world I get to see day in and day out. He’s also said our break up is not a ‘win’ for him. He feels like he’s lost in every way.
Um your weight has nothing to do with how “tight” you are. Also, if he’s complaining you’re loose, it’s more likely he’s been doing something extreme while self pleasuring and now can’t get off without it.
Honestly, I understand your insecurity as I used to have the same fears and concerns until I found confidence within myself, helped along by a partner who never tells me anything about my appearance other than calling me beautiful(and I promise you, I’m not beautiful).
The only work you need to do is on your self in terms of getting help with your self confidence and esteem.
What if the problem is actually that his dick is too small? I feel like you definitely need to fuck someone else and get feedback or a few people until you find someone compatible instead of assuming there’s something wrong with you, because you sound awesome to me. Just finger yourself and see if it’s true. If you feel like it actually might be, just do kegels. You’ll be fine. If he actually isn’t sexually satisfied, you should break up. You both deserve better. No one should ever say that to you. If he is sexually satisfied and he’s lying just to put you down, he’s an abusive prick and it’s only going to keep getting worse until you’re a husk of your former self and your life is destroyed. Seriously, no one should ever tell you you have a “loose vagina”. Especially your boyfriend. Especially if he always cums when you have sex. Please, I know how nude it is, but love yourself enough to walk away. You deserve better.
Unfair and unjust to who? He checked out, so why are you still in queue? Don’t you think it’s unfair and unjust to yourself to feel obligated to somebody who feels no obligation to you
I have C-PTSD, and while therapy has helped me, it's never been enough. EMDR gives me migraines. I do think MDMA treatment shows promise, but large clinical trials are a long way off.
I haven't been in a relationship since I divorced my ex-husband more than 30 years ago because my taste in men is appallingly awful. I never wanted to inflict my bad choices on my son as so many women I knew did with their children.
I had seen too many women choose wrong when a man made them pick the relationship with him over their own kids.
OP, you're too young to try to handle your SO on your own. Help her and yourself by getting the both of you into individual and couples therapy.
If you're seeking therapy for yourself as well, it may help her to accept it for herself, too.
Please update periodically to let us know how you are faring.
I wouldn't even call this behaviiur childish, it's immature and he seems to just….try really hot to be edgy and idk a very hot dude? I couldn't be with someone like him, eps not someone like that being almost 40 wtf ew
Honestly, you stated boundaries and he’s been trampling all over them – and it only gets worse from there. End the relationship and walk away. He isn’t worth it and doesn’t deserve you.
Plus when OP made it clear she wasn't interested and removed their channels of communication, he decided to use an unknown number to ignore her boundaries and beg for a second chance. That's not “romantic” it's just pushy.
I respectfully disagree that compatibility is the issue here. With stuff like this, the issue can really snowball and compound. It takes time to untangle it, but it can be untangled if there's enough love and care there still motivating them. So no I don't think it's that simple that she just needs to… Need less to be in the mood. Nor do I think the expectation is that he'll always initiate and “do all the heavy lifting”. That's not an ideal outcome for her either.
I'd look at it like this instead: if the sex is good, she'll want it sometimes too, and she'll initiate sometimes too. Because we like doing things that feel good. And the sex is good when it's being had with someone you feel loved/respected by and cared for.
If he doesn't think it should be necessary to help her get to the same mood he's in, she's not going to feel cared for, respected, or loved. She's probably going to feel pressured to perform, and that's a big turn off.
This was my first thought too but, I'm pretty sure most CRNA's i know also have NPI numbers. Either way, his name should pop up SOMEWHERE if he has *ever* practiced. To be completely blank live in current times as an anesthesiologist is…very, very sus,.
Dude she was someone's sugar baby kept it from you and then lied about it and you went ahead and married her anyway? That's nuts! You really believe there was nothing secual going on? You can't be that naive.
If your stepdad wants to have his own family, and your mother cannot give him that for biological reasons, then they are not right for each other. It's no different than if someone needs emotional support, and doesn't get it. Your partner is supposed to fulfill your needs, otherwise the relationship won't work. Needs and life goals must align. Your mother has passed her child bearing years and there's nothing wrong with that, but the man who is right for her is one who doesn't want more babies. Of course, I don't know all the details of their relationship so all I can do is speculate.
If you love your stepdad, then maintain a relationship with him. What you'll often find in these situations is your mother will try to use you to hurt him, because she is hurt. In a case like this, your mother isn't actually trying to help you, she's trying to use you as a tool of vengeance. You don't have to hide it from your mother, but you must set boundaries. If he was and still is an important part of your life, then keep him in your life and tell your mother that. If she refuses to understand, then it's a lack of maturity on your mother's part. You may think older people can handle relationship pain with more grace, but I can tell you that is definitely not the fact! I've seen older women hold grudges over something that happened literally 50 years ago! They can't let it go and they can't forgive. Ultimately, how you live your life is your choice, and you shouldn't allow anyone else, even your mother, to strong arm you into behaving a certain way only because it gives her a little schadenfreude. Good luck.
Omg this is bizarre behavior to me. I would never joke or comment about another’s pain or heart ache. Sorry you have this kind of bullshit in your life right now. You have been through enough. Im here hoping you find someone cool to hang with real soon!??
What kind of genetic predisposition to hormonal birth control are you talking about? Please refrain from giving your 18-year-old girlfriend advice on her own menstruation…
the giftee expressed joy of getting that exact precise gift once. In a way to make the gifter think, he liked more of that kind.
You really sound biased and ill intended towards OPs girlfriend.
What is kind of funny here is that there seems to be a lack of communication.
But it's mutual. He never seems to have expressed his pleasure to be gifted her art only being lukewarm!
Where he doesn't sound like the one to really probe to see if she actually WANTED baskets of bath products, jewelry (what kind of jewelry? Plated stuff is nice, but that's not what could be called jewelry) or stuffed animals.
Reddit would be in an uproar to tell her “a man taking time, money and effort to craft something with his hands is an absolute keeper and tgat she should art lessons to.be able to reciprocate” is more like it.
You seem to project your own dislike on that poor girl, which doesn't help that much.
Cheating hurts. You have every right to be angry and hurt. When your partner cheats, the trust will never be the same. So, better tell her not see you and it is over.
People can be stubborn. A group therapy session sounds perfect, almost like it would a great step between checks notes cutting them out of your and your children's life for all time.
This he's saying he can't be bothered to put any effort into the relationship at all. That it's not his job. Not important or a priority for him.
He would basically jst want to show up chill inside and hump u. If u didn't plan a date or activity.
This man doesn't give a shit about your relationship its a convenience at this point. Hope ur not hoping for marriage with this man. He wont be bothered with wedding planning or childcare or helping while you are pregnant because he needs instruction apparently.
What you mean sex isn’t what you’re looking for? You said you want to sleep with other people. Unless you mean napping beside someone that isn’t your boyfriend then sec is what you’re looking for.
This is the greatest misconception about cheating, that it's indicative of larger relationship issue. Cheating has absolutely nothing to do with the cheater's marriage/primary relationship as evidenced by the fact that people in happy marriages cheat all the time.
Cheaters have disordered thinking and that's the one and only reason they cheat. If it were a relationship issue they would talk to their spouse, carve out more time to rekindle their romance, get a self-help book to read together, seek marriage counseling or at the very worst they would simply divorce their spouse and then date whoever they want. That's how mentally healthy people deal with relationship problems.
Cheaters are disordered thinkers who think the relationship rules they agreed to when entering the relationship are somehow optional. They want to jump at every shiny new thing they see because they believe they deserve a wife and a mistress too. They don't truly care about anyone but themselves or they wouldn't risk imploding their relationship for a quick fuck with some random.
If someone cared about you, they wouldn't put you through this.
Block her. You are absolutely capable of doing that. She has said to you directly that there's no future for the two of you so listen to that and move on. Being friends is clearly not an option because you don't want to just be friends and she's not being fair.
Block her and focus on the friends and family around you that don't make you feel like this.
Eugh, you are perfectly within your rights to leave this disgusting creature. I don't care how many other good qualities he has! Respect yourself by leaving.
Yeah, I forgot to mention that we both work remotely so my partner's plan is to basically work from home all the time. His brother is okay staying by himself for an evening or so. And for longer periods of time, for example, to go on a trip or something, he's open to getting temporary professional help.
I actually think that his brother just doesn't really consider the opportunity to live separately and have a non-family member help him bc it's how he's lived his entire life. I think when it all comes down to actually deciding on the matter, I will strongly encourage both my partner and the brother to discuss the option for him to online separately.
This is a tough situation where it will be a huge part of your life once his brother moves in. Depending on the disability, (I’m not sure if you have to help feed him, clothe him, etc.) it is round the clock care, 24/7. Unless he is pretty independent and say has paralyses waist down but needs help with a few things. If it’s the first thing, you will be expected to be a caregiver as well, which is tiring. It will take a lot of room up in the relationship where instead of just having alone time you’ll have the brother to be concerned about.
It is your life, and you decision to decide whether taking care of your partner’s brother is manageable, worth staying together, something you can envision the rest of your life. I understand this feels like an impossible decision. One where you lose a partner, AND feel guilty. You said yourself you don’t want this, you want to be a normal couple. That’s okay, and understandable. Don’t force yourself into a situation you don’t want to be in a relationship.
If this isn’t something you’ve totally prepared for I could see it leading to fights and resentments.
I would consider leaving if this is a huge incompatibility. Especially since you know no matter what his brother living with you is in your guy’s future.
I don't remember asking you to be a regular partner of mine? As i would probably not want to be one of yours either, as it would be confining and suffocating, IMO. Just bc i don't require or want a bunch of mollycoddles after sex ? nor do I want cuddles or someone making demands of me all the time to fulfill their own happiness and needs. That shit gets exhausting. i spent 9 years of my life doing that shit. People have reasons for being how they are, and some people are compatible and some people aren't. That's just that.
I don’t know why people do this, maybe it’s easier for them then having to be an adult & communicate. Either way I don’t think you’ll get the closure you want from this man. He wasn’t mature enough to talk about his issues during the relationship, & I don’t have much hope for him now.
My only advice is to try and distract yourself from those thoughts. Definitely don’t contact him. You really don’t need thoughts of him bogging down your daily life, especially over someone so immature. Do you really wanna spend your life with someone who can’t even sit down and have an adult conversation?
My wife and I are in a poly marriage, and we have a simple rule: the marriage is the highest-priority relationship.
Not everyone approaches in quite this same way, but you need to define the priority of the marriage somehow.
Your husband wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants both of you, but she wants you out of the picture? That's a non-starter by anyone's definition. Even if you weren't married, this would be a person insisting on monogamy with a person who does not want to be monogamous.
Your husband needs to suck it up and not pursue a relationship with her. There's no value in trying to negotiate this; what she wants is incompatible with any kind of healthy ENM setup.
Sis, this is a perfect example of the age spread and why people say not to date people that much older than you.
They see you as an object that can be manipulated and controlled rather than a full person entitled to your own feelings, beliefs and life choices.
You are 24. You have a whole big beautiful life in front of you ripe with opportunities to have fun, have new experiences and date someone who truly loves you, cherishes you, and wants to spend life bringing joy into your life.
This guy isn't that. I don't know why you are dating him. I know why he is dating you. Its not love. Its sex. Its control. Its the fact that at 24 you don't have the life experience to call him out on his BS and how wildly unreasonable he is.
Just dump him and move on. You deserve someone who wants to dance through life with you. Not crush your joy and spirit picking fights with you.
I agree with this. Op this man is ready to make you a babymomma but not his wife?
It is utterly reasonable to set an expectation and to make that clear so no one wastes their time. He's gonna keep pushing that goalpost further back until you are so tired u just stay.
There was a woman posting she's been waiting for her partner to propose for 10 years and now he's told her he isn't ready for that kind of commitment after constantly telling her they just weren't in the right space.
So he's commited enough to sleep with u have kids, potentially make u a single mother but he can't give u an answer on when he wants to marry you.
Yeah no i would be very careful with this man's commitment issues and honestly i say go back to using contraceptives and watch them closely.. baby trapping is a thing js. He's very eager to be a dad but not that eager to make a commitment to u.
And yes u very well can make those decisions fuck him. It's your body! You guys are financially stable and have no issues.
He just doesn't want to marry you. I'm sorry but dont have kids with this man… id be one foot out the door..
Your GF is the safe, sane, solid, known option. Her mate is the unknown. Something completely different. You're not catching feelings for her. You just want to taste something different and forbidden. Don't ghost! If she's that good a mate of your GF then you'll still see her occasionally. Just shut down her aspirations to steal you.
You're not ready to be a father? Maybe you should have thought about that before impregnating a child.
You are 10 years older than these girls. There is so much mental growth between 10 years. You should have known better. You destroyed these girls' sisterhood, to strock you're ego for a night. Grow the hell up dude.
Dump her
Okay so you disagree with the UT at Austin studies on how looks affect pay or the Cornell study on how looks affect prison sentences?
If you do, I'd love for you to site some studies, because it's obvious to most people that good looking people are given what is often termed pretty privilege.
And you think it's woman hating to note that once attractiveness fades that a person faces a different world with different opportunities and would be unable to evolve to face that reality?
Wow, I think we found the misogynist and its you.
Yeah she always says he has to work or that he wasn’t interested in coming
I wouldn't move to a new more expensive place with her until you sit down and discuss how you know relationships to be and hearing her out on how she thinks relationships are meant to be… I would start out with, “I feel like we are experiencing some cultural differences in our relationship and I want us to talk about the role of money in relationships so we can come to a compromise between both of our expectations. For Australia, being in a relationship means that couples pay shared bills together, that are divided based on income. Individual expenses are handled individually. Dates are paid by whomever is planning, with situational exceptions. Trips are a mix of that as well.
In the Ukraine how do couples handle thier finances, can you please lay it out for me?”
Her explosiveness however, makes me feel like you are being used, and she is avoiding losing that… But it could just be her assuming you should know, what she inherently knows about how couples divide money.”
I mean well, even if he comes back you would be a chump to let him. Move on and close the door
Why would I want him? We share a lot. We have 15 years worth of memories and experiences together. Even now, sometimes we would be in a room together and talk as if we have no issues.
I defo am not leaving this relationship empty handed. He even says I’ve got the best thing in the world I get to see day in and day out. He’s also said our break up is not a ‘win’ for him. He feels like he’s lost in every way.
Um your weight has nothing to do with how “tight” you are. Also, if he’s complaining you’re loose, it’s more likely he’s been doing something extreme while self pleasuring and now can’t get off without it.
Honestly, I understand your insecurity as I used to have the same fears and concerns until I found confidence within myself, helped along by a partner who never tells me anything about my appearance other than calling me beautiful(and I promise you, I’m not beautiful).
The only work you need to do is on your self in terms of getting help with your self confidence and esteem.
What if the problem is actually that his dick is too small? I feel like you definitely need to fuck someone else and get feedback or a few people until you find someone compatible instead of assuming there’s something wrong with you, because you sound awesome to me. Just finger yourself and see if it’s true. If you feel like it actually might be, just do kegels. You’ll be fine. If he actually isn’t sexually satisfied, you should break up. You both deserve better. No one should ever say that to you. If he is sexually satisfied and he’s lying just to put you down, he’s an abusive prick and it’s only going to keep getting worse until you’re a husk of your former self and your life is destroyed. Seriously, no one should ever tell you you have a “loose vagina”. Especially your boyfriend. Especially if he always cums when you have sex. Please, I know how nude it is, but love yourself enough to walk away. You deserve better.
Unfair and unjust to who? He checked out, so why are you still in queue? Don’t you think it’s unfair and unjust to yourself to feel obligated to somebody who feels no obligation to you
Very, very, shitty people. Subhuman garbage.
☝️ This exactly! ?
I have C-PTSD, and while therapy has helped me, it's never been enough. EMDR gives me migraines. I do think MDMA treatment shows promise, but large clinical trials are a long way off.
I haven't been in a relationship since I divorced my ex-husband more than 30 years ago because my taste in men is appallingly awful. I never wanted to inflict my bad choices on my son as so many women I knew did with their children.
I had seen too many women choose wrong when a man made them pick the relationship with him over their own kids.
OP, you're too young to try to handle your SO on your own. Help her and yourself by getting the both of you into individual and couples therapy.
If you're seeking therapy for yourself as well, it may help her to accept it for herself, too.
Please update periodically to let us know how you are faring.
you were implying in your op that there were boundaries, seemed not sexual, then we get to the jump hugging….
I wouldn't even call this behaviiur childish, it's immature and he seems to just….try really hot to be edgy and idk a very hot dude? I couldn't be with someone like him, eps not someone like that being almost 40 wtf ew
Honestly, you stated boundaries and he’s been trampling all over them – and it only gets worse from there. End the relationship and walk away. He isn’t worth it and doesn’t deserve you.
What is your goal? Figure that out first
Did you tell how you felt about it?
Yeah! I believe that too
Thank you
Plus when OP made it clear she wasn't interested and removed their channels of communication, he decided to use an unknown number to ignore her boundaries and beg for a second chance. That's not “romantic” it's just pushy.
End it. He is not the one.
You mean with close friends or foursome in general?
No, someone who cheats on their spouse is complete and total scum who is beyond redemption. You can't unfuck someone.
Yeah I've done a little bit of writing it down considering but still working on it. Thank you for chatting with no judgement its been really helpful!
I respectfully disagree that compatibility is the issue here. With stuff like this, the issue can really snowball and compound. It takes time to untangle it, but it can be untangled if there's enough love and care there still motivating them. So no I don't think it's that simple that she just needs to… Need less to be in the mood. Nor do I think the expectation is that he'll always initiate and “do all the heavy lifting”. That's not an ideal outcome for her either.
I'd look at it like this instead: if the sex is good, she'll want it sometimes too, and she'll initiate sometimes too. Because we like doing things that feel good. And the sex is good when it's being had with someone you feel loved/respected by and cared for.
If he doesn't think it should be necessary to help her get to the same mood he's in, she's not going to feel cared for, respected, or loved. She's probably going to feel pressured to perform, and that's a big turn off.
It would be alot easier if my boyfriend would stand up for me. But seems like depends on the week when he feels like it
There you go. I hope I'm not being rude, you never answered my daughter question.
This was my first thought too but, I'm pretty sure most CRNA's i know also have NPI numbers. Either way, his name should pop up SOMEWHERE if he has *ever* practiced. To be completely blank live in current times as an anesthesiologist is…very, very sus,.
Dude she was someone's sugar baby kept it from you and then lied about it and you went ahead and married her anyway? That's nuts! You really believe there was nothing secual going on? You can't be that naive.
If your stepdad wants to have his own family, and your mother cannot give him that for biological reasons, then they are not right for each other. It's no different than if someone needs emotional support, and doesn't get it. Your partner is supposed to fulfill your needs, otherwise the relationship won't work. Needs and life goals must align. Your mother has passed her child bearing years and there's nothing wrong with that, but the man who is right for her is one who doesn't want more babies. Of course, I don't know all the details of their relationship so all I can do is speculate.
If you love your stepdad, then maintain a relationship with him. What you'll often find in these situations is your mother will try to use you to hurt him, because she is hurt. In a case like this, your mother isn't actually trying to help you, she's trying to use you as a tool of vengeance. You don't have to hide it from your mother, but you must set boundaries. If he was and still is an important part of your life, then keep him in your life and tell your mother that. If she refuses to understand, then it's a lack of maturity on your mother's part. You may think older people can handle relationship pain with more grace, but I can tell you that is definitely not the fact! I've seen older women hold grudges over something that happened literally 50 years ago! They can't let it go and they can't forgive. Ultimately, how you live your life is your choice, and you shouldn't allow anyone else, even your mother, to strong arm you into behaving a certain way only because it gives her a little schadenfreude. Good luck.
No prob, i should mentioned it in original post, but it would be super long + my terrible english. Also this thread really exploded
Omg this is bizarre behavior to me. I would never joke or comment about another’s pain or heart ache. Sorry you have this kind of bullshit in your life right now. You have been through enough. Im here hoping you find someone cool to hang with real soon!??
Yep same here. I have had loads of partners, and not one serious relationship has had an issue about my 'number' (which I actually don't know)
What kind of genetic predisposition to hormonal birth control are you talking about? Please refrain from giving your 18-year-old girlfriend advice on her own menstruation…
Sounds like she was probably blindsided by a partner previously and doesn't want it to happen again
Lol no.
Fuck off, man
based on the title alone, no. No context would excuse that behaviour
based on the title alone, no. No context would excuse that behaviour
Gifting the same gift again implies:
the giftee expressed joy of getting that exact precise gift once. In a way to make the gifter think, he liked more of that kind.
You really sound biased and ill intended towards OPs girlfriend.
What is kind of funny here is that there seems to be a lack of communication.
But it's mutual. He never seems to have expressed his pleasure to be gifted her art only being lukewarm!
Where he doesn't sound like the one to really probe to see if she actually WANTED baskets of bath products, jewelry (what kind of jewelry? Plated stuff is nice, but that's not what could be called jewelry) or stuffed animals.
Reddit would be in an uproar to tell her “a man taking time, money and effort to craft something with his hands is an absolute keeper and tgat she should art lessons to.be able to reciprocate” is more like it.
You seem to project your own dislike on that poor girl, which doesn't help that much.
Cheating hurts. You have every right to be angry and hurt. When your partner cheats, the trust will never be the same. So, better tell her not see you and it is over.
People can be stubborn. A group therapy session sounds perfect, almost like it would a great step between checks notes cutting them out of your and your children's life for all time.
This he's saying he can't be bothered to put any effort into the relationship at all. That it's not his job. Not important or a priority for him.
He would basically jst want to show up chill inside and hump u. If u didn't plan a date or activity.
This man doesn't give a shit about your relationship its a convenience at this point. Hope ur not hoping for marriage with this man. He wont be bothered with wedding planning or childcare or helping while you are pregnant because he needs instruction apparently.
it does make sense thank you for sharing. so i should should cut her off completely basically?
What you mean sex isn’t what you’re looking for? You said you want to sleep with other people. Unless you mean napping beside someone that isn’t your boyfriend then sec is what you’re looking for.
You’re a walking oxymoron
This is the greatest misconception about cheating, that it's indicative of larger relationship issue. Cheating has absolutely nothing to do with the cheater's marriage/primary relationship as evidenced by the fact that people in happy marriages cheat all the time.
Cheaters have disordered thinking and that's the one and only reason they cheat. If it were a relationship issue they would talk to their spouse, carve out more time to rekindle their romance, get a self-help book to read together, seek marriage counseling or at the very worst they would simply divorce their spouse and then date whoever they want. That's how mentally healthy people deal with relationship problems.
Cheaters are disordered thinkers who think the relationship rules they agreed to when entering the relationship are somehow optional. They want to jump at every shiny new thing they see because they believe they deserve a wife and a mistress too. They don't truly care about anyone but themselves or they wouldn't risk imploding their relationship for a quick fuck with some random.
If someone cared about you, they wouldn't put you through this.
Block her. You are absolutely capable of doing that. She has said to you directly that there's no future for the two of you so listen to that and move on. Being friends is clearly not an option because you don't want to just be friends and she's not being fair.
Block her and focus on the friends and family around you that don't make you feel like this.
Eugh, you are perfectly within your rights to leave this disgusting creature. I don't care how many other good qualities he has! Respect yourself by leaving.
Thanks for your advice, I’m just not sure I can rebuild that trust, or that he’s capable of the honesty I need :/
Yeah, I forgot to mention that we both work remotely so my partner's plan is to basically work from home all the time. His brother is okay staying by himself for an evening or so. And for longer periods of time, for example, to go on a trip or something, he's open to getting temporary professional help.
I actually think that his brother just doesn't really consider the opportunity to live separately and have a non-family member help him bc it's how he's lived his entire life. I think when it all comes down to actually deciding on the matter, I will strongly encourage both my partner and the brother to discuss the option for him to online separately.
This is a tough situation where it will be a huge part of your life once his brother moves in. Depending on the disability, (I’m not sure if you have to help feed him, clothe him, etc.) it is round the clock care, 24/7. Unless he is pretty independent and say has paralyses waist down but needs help with a few things. If it’s the first thing, you will be expected to be a caregiver as well, which is tiring. It will take a lot of room up in the relationship where instead of just having alone time you’ll have the brother to be concerned about.
It is your life, and you decision to decide whether taking care of your partner’s brother is manageable, worth staying together, something you can envision the rest of your life. I understand this feels like an impossible decision. One where you lose a partner, AND feel guilty. You said yourself you don’t want this, you want to be a normal couple. That’s okay, and understandable. Don’t force yourself into a situation you don’t want to be in a relationship.
If this isn’t something you’ve totally prepared for I could see it leading to fights and resentments.
I would consider leaving if this is a huge incompatibility. Especially since you know no matter what his brother living with you is in your guy’s future.
She will always wonder if she lives-up to that stripper lol
I believe the comment I am replaying to said OP should stop having sex with him.
I don't remember asking you to be a regular partner of mine? As i would probably not want to be one of yours either, as it would be confining and suffocating, IMO. Just bc i don't require or want a bunch of mollycoddles after sex ? nor do I want cuddles or someone making demands of me all the time to fulfill their own happiness and needs. That shit gets exhausting. i spent 9 years of my life doing that shit. People have reasons for being how they are, and some people are compatible and some people aren't. That's just that.
I don’t know why people do this, maybe it’s easier for them then having to be an adult & communicate. Either way I don’t think you’ll get the closure you want from this man. He wasn’t mature enough to talk about his issues during the relationship, & I don’t have much hope for him now.
My only advice is to try and distract yourself from those thoughts. Definitely don’t contact him. You really don’t need thoughts of him bogging down your daily life, especially over someone so immature. Do you really wanna spend your life with someone who can’t even sit down and have an adult conversation?
My wife and I are in a poly marriage, and we have a simple rule: the marriage is the highest-priority relationship.
Not everyone approaches in quite this same way, but you need to define the priority of the marriage somehow.
Your husband wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants both of you, but she wants you out of the picture? That's a non-starter by anyone's definition. Even if you weren't married, this would be a person insisting on monogamy with a person who does not want to be monogamous.
Your husband needs to suck it up and not pursue a relationship with her. There's no value in trying to negotiate this; what she wants is incompatible with any kind of healthy ENM setup.
Your boyfriend is an abusive, misogynistic pig.
You’re not even remotely too old to find someone exponentially better than this loser who’d be happy pimping out his daughter to men twice her age.
Also, you’re 26. You’re far from “running out of time” to have a healthy baby.
Dump him.
Sis, this is a perfect example of the age spread and why people say not to date people that much older than you.
They see you as an object that can be manipulated and controlled rather than a full person entitled to your own feelings, beliefs and life choices.
You are 24. You have a whole big beautiful life in front of you ripe with opportunities to have fun, have new experiences and date someone who truly loves you, cherishes you, and wants to spend life bringing joy into your life.
This guy isn't that. I don't know why you are dating him. I know why he is dating you. Its not love. Its sex. Its control. Its the fact that at 24 you don't have the life experience to call him out on his BS and how wildly unreasonable he is.
Just dump him and move on. You deserve someone who wants to dance through life with you. Not crush your joy and spirit picking fights with you.
Oh OP, you cannot fix this. Please leave. This is dangerous.
Unfortunately, that is very true, although I think it has been for a very long time.
respect yourself.
all for a 50 y/o man
Why be with someone who willingly and knowingly makes you this insecure?
You’re young, you’ll eventually find someone who doesn’t make you feel like shit
I agree with this. Op this man is ready to make you a babymomma but not his wife?
It is utterly reasonable to set an expectation and to make that clear so no one wastes their time. He's gonna keep pushing that goalpost further back until you are so tired u just stay.
There was a woman posting she's been waiting for her partner to propose for 10 years and now he's told her he isn't ready for that kind of commitment after constantly telling her they just weren't in the right space.
So he's commited enough to sleep with u have kids, potentially make u a single mother but he can't give u an answer on when he wants to marry you.
Yeah no i would be very careful with this man's commitment issues and honestly i say go back to using contraceptives and watch them closely.. baby trapping is a thing js. He's very eager to be a dad but not that eager to make a commitment to u.
And yes u very well can make those decisions fuck him. It's your body! You guys are financially stable and have no issues.
He just doesn't want to marry you. I'm sorry but dont have kids with this man… id be one foot out the door..
It sounds like the relationship was overlong before the affair you’ll be better off if you end it now
in the beginning it was positive, but the negatives outweighs
You don't need to explain yourself. He's paranoid and doesn't trust you and you should leave him.
Your GF is the safe, sane, solid, known option. Her mate is the unknown. Something completely different. You're not catching feelings for her. You just want to taste something different and forbidden. Don't ghost! If she's that good a mate of your GF then you'll still see her occasionally. Just shut down her aspirations to steal you.
You're not ready to be a father? Maybe you should have thought about that before impregnating a child.
You are 10 years older than these girls. There is so much mental growth between 10 years. You should have known better. You destroyed these girls' sisterhood, to strock you're ego for a night. Grow the hell up dude.