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Exactly. I would have been angry too, and wanted revenge. Let me know what happens. (If you’re comfortable with that of course.)
Fucking Ick lmao
Why do you think you're addicted?
Wow, it says a lot that her changing her name is more important than a life together.
Thank you so much i really appreciate it but could you have some advice for me that i can follow
I don’t know why you expect anything different after taking back a cheater..
Not making an effort to learn the language your child’s partner speaks is bizarre. Speaking as an older parent – I cannot imagine not making the effort to learn the basics if my kids married people I couldn’t communicate with. If someone is important enough to be that big a part of my child’s life, I want to get to know them and talk to them. Hell, if that person is going to be the one making medical or legal decisions for my child in the event of emergency or tragedy, I need to be able to communicate with them. This is not a one way street.
It’s bizarre that neither party has made the effort and OP is stuck in the middle with none of their loved ones loving them enough to make an effort, but it’s not more on one of them than the other.
TYFU – you shouldn't have gone through her phone. If you want to be covert, do what Gosc101 suggested, and “go through her phone” while she's there in person and then you can ask her about that convo with her weird pervy pal.
Just FYI, though, I know a lot of women who act this way when confronted with such things. THey don't want to push back or appear as “a bitch” so they laugh it off or side-step the comment altogether. It's uncomfortable and awkward – and I would think that if this is an actual “regular friend” who's now trying to seduce her, she must be weirded out and just hoping that he's not serious. You said yourself she's shy. This (non-) reaction of hers makes sense to me, then.
It's usually not the best way of handling the situation, but women are more prone to protecting themselves via non-confrontational means, so they don't expose themselves to potentially more violence and uncertain reactions. If this guy is an actual friend, she might want to hold onto the friendship itself, but these comments she probably doesn't want to deal with, and not over text.
Just something to think about if you worry she could potentially cheat on you. Not with that creepy clown, from the sounds of it.
Trust isn't faith, you trust those who act trustworthy so if your actions aren't trustworthy it's difficult to just say “he should trust me more!”
The fact you realise that it looks fishy but still want him to have complete faith is ridiculous to me
Take some responsibility for your actions, you were the one who fucked up but you're just pinning blame on him for protecting himself from what appears to be his cheating partner
Either you want to be with him, in which case you need to be more aware of how you act (this wording is shit but you get what I mean) or you don't and agree with the other comments that he's jealous and insecure etc
He could be really shy. My husband was like this the first time we hungout together. I didn't think he liked me. We laugh about it now 14 years later.
Sounds like they need to be put on an information diet so they don’t have any reason to make such comments.
A man who did this is also low value trash.
It sounds like you weren't as ready to end the relationship as you thought you were.
Good luck, OP. I wish you nothing but happiness, and I sincerely hope that your peace is long-lasting. I hope your time with Nina is special and full of love.
Are you getting treatment for your anxiety? Maybe you should before you open up your marriage and have to deal the anxiety of knowing your husband is with someone else.
That’s a massive red flag
My view is a bit different to others – her behaviour is out of line and your partner has been open with you. I think you should meet with Kate and firmly (and kindly) explain how her behaviour is affecting you and Dec. You do have some jealousy towards her and some insecurity which is yours to deal with, but her behaviour also needs addressing. It's quite possible she is desperate for attention and affirmation and is misdirecting it.
She needs to cut it out and to do that she needs to understand the impact on you and Dec.
I would say here that you putting this effort to find out is not to save the relationship, but rather so you stop torturing yourself.
Even if you break up, you probably won't get closure because you won't know for sure if she did or didn't cheat.
You likely have some PTSD from the first cheating incident and you might need to see a therapist.
so she's responsible for men being shitty and disingenuous
I agree with you. His anger was unfair and his communication was bad. It should have been a calm conversation because her response sounds totally reasonable
You said she a private person I would just leave it. Personal even if my bf was invited I wouldn’t let him come to a family event and eve been dating longer than you and your partner. I’m private as well and won’t ever let my bf meet my siblings even though he’s been invited to I never extend the invitation and tell him. There’s possibly a deeper reason you don’t understand
Yes I know it’s a different sub, but people still come here asking for opinions and advice. It doesn’t all have to go in the same direction though – your opinion is that he did ok, mine is that he didn’t. He asked how to get over it – the answer for me is that he acted like an AH and needs to realise that. That’s how he gets over the situation.
It doesn’t mean I ‘shit’ on OP because I disagree with him, you, or a % of posters. And in fact my comment on ‘feeling safe’ which I think set you off wasn’t even directed at OP, it was directed at you, as you brought that up. The man is in his own house with his wife and another human – what could possibly make him feel unsafe? This isn’t walking through Hackney at night in the 90s. It’s his own home. I think you might have meant a place where he felt ‘comfortable’ rather than ‘safe’. But those are two very different things.
He likes making you feel insecure. He likes feeling like he has power over you. He doesn’t respect you.
These aren’t jokes. If they were jokes, he would both be laughing. These are intentional manipulations to keep you off balance, and make you feel insecure and desperate for his approval.
At three months, things should be awesome. This is him at his very best behaviour. You can do so much better than this. Find yourself someone who, at three months, is super excited to spend time with you.
You need your own attorney. You’ve spent 20 years with this man and it sounds like he’s making moves that will absolutely leave you screwed when he dies.
RUN.
Along with what everyone else is saying, think about these questions. Has she made any changes with her appearance that's outside of the usual? New hairstyle, showering more often, more jewelry, new perfume? Have you noticed any other behaviors or happenings out of the ordinary, such as she closes down a computer/phone tab when you walk in the room, she's out more often, she's late at work more often, her girlfriends can't look you in the eye, her personality has changed a bit (happier, sadder, more angry, could be anything) etc. etc.
She’s trickle truthing. You won’t know everything until you can prove it, and if you can’t prove it she won’t admit to it. Your only option to find out what actually is going on is to find the proof. Relying on her to be upfront is pointless as she already showed she won’t be upfront about him.
Go through her phone and go back to the date of the work party. See who she was messaging. Her best friend? What did they talk about during that time? How often does she talk to her bff about this guy?
She has probably already deleted all his messages since your confrontation, and that’s where a lot of people give up, but did she message another friend about this? Did she message another coworker that same night saying “don’t worry, HusbandExFriend is giving me a ride home”?
Everyone deletes the obvious, but nobody deletes the chats they have with their friends about it. That’s where you’ll find what’s there to be found.
quite frankly if you're this ignorant about why what you did wrong you have bigger problems than being called out on your racism
We can’t ALWAYS blame a woman for a guy being shitty.
Don't check anything. Don't read any messages or e-mails or check any social media. Don't get into that cycle.
serious question: how? how can you make fun of those things? show me a joke about rape or pedophilia that is funny, but doesn't imply those topics are. this seems to be the issue here, and the same defense you used for “not being racist” but sharing a racist meme. this is the crux of the whole thing; the answer to this question will help you a lot. if you respond here or DM i'd be more than willing to have a supportive, nonjudgmental conversation about the issue
?Leave?him?alone? NO CONTACT.
He deserves happiness. Any further interactions with you will reignite feelings of love and hurt and set his recovery back. Seriously, what’s done is done. No contact.
Wow imagine thinking 200k is middle class lmao
That’s true 🙁
That’s true 🙁
We set our mutual boundaries well over 20, the better part of 30 years ago. I don't understand people who have boundaries about checking each other's phones, search histories, friends of the opposite sex etc because they aren't something that concerns me – I find facial hair and tattoos deeply unattractive, my husband would be doing something to purposefully cross a boundary, it would be an act of betrayal and it would be the end of the relationship. One of his was that I didn't dye my hair a certain colour, I've respected that.
This.. no ma'am firstly eww I'm 29 I wouldn't be taking things from men 20years older than me because I'd feel like i was with my dad and thts gross.
He is a married man. There is ZERO EXCUSE. Thats on sme sugar daddy type shit. You deserve better OP. This isn't okay! Dont let him manipulate you
She could have not told you anything and you wouldnt be any the wiser. I'd probably give her the benefit of the doubt and use this as an opportunity to have an ongoing conversation about her alcohol use and your feelings and desires about how both of you use alcohol.
I'm not sure how disrespected you should feel. If this is a genuine platonic relationship she has with him then its her right to go out and get drunk with a friend. How she uses alcohol is something you have to come to terms with and discuss with her.
If its more than platonic then Yes, you have every right to feel disrespected – but if it is like that, why did she tell you?
if a guy asks to open a relationship he would be called a pig on here and “he has probably already cheated”
Stop comparing your fiance to you ex, for anything. Us women tend to be very different from each other sexually. What works for me doesn't work for so many other women, and your fiance is the same way.
It sounds like she's willing to meet you halfway to satisfy your sexual cravings. You need to do the same for her without all these questions.
The only thing I really find odd is the casual conversation. That can definitely kill the mood and is worth bringing up in an open and honest conversation. Obviously, this should happen at a time when you're not having sex or even involved in foreplay or aftercare. Also, make sure you don't use an accusatory tone. I would also suggest you encourage her to play on her own more to learn what she likes. For alit of us, our sex drive increases the more we use it.
They aren't really partnered yet though. At 1 year they are still 'dating', so it would be awkward and almost inappropriate to divide based on income as a % (as opposed to a more rough but reasonable number that means they don't have to exchange salary contract information).
OP, I think your offer of $1500 sounds reasonable and fair. Maybe further down the line if your relationship becomes more serious you could re-evaluate.
If you can remember which subreddit you’re referring to, please let me know. I’m a sponge and I love to learn. The more advice I can receive the better.
No, you very demonstrably do not.
Have you considered doing something like just not wearing a shirt to bed if you're okay with being touched and wearing one if you're not? That way your bf doesn't need to feel like he has to read your mind to touch you and it can still feel spontaneous.
First of all, I'd recommend that you stop thinking of your upcoming wedding day as a “Grab and Go.” Yes it will be small and simple, but it can still be super-meaningful if you adjust your attitude. You're getting married in just a week to the man you love, with your grandparents there to witness the happy event. That's a beautiful and special milestone in your life, not at all equivalent to a casual trip to the local convenience store!
You can still have the small, elegant wedding of your dreams, if that dream lingers on as an item on your bucket list. Start saving money from every paycheck, and when your new husband has been promoted several ranks up, you've had a few raises at work yourself, and you have finally amassed enough money in your “Dream Wedding” account, you can plan to renew your vows in a formal ceremony (religious if you want it to be), with your family and friends there to help you celebrate. You can have the white wedding gown, the hair and makeup, the color-coordinated attendants, yada yada yada. Straight out of the magazine pages.
But don't be surprised if, when you finally save up enough money to fulfill your wedding dream, you decide with your husband that you don't need a second wedding after all, because the first one did the trick quite nicely. You may decide to put that money toward other uses that are more relevant to your shared goals as a family – your first home, a new baby, a special anniversary trip. Your dreams are likely to shift as you move through your 20s and beyond, and that's OK too.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I wish you both a lifetime of love and joy.
What relationship advice are you looking for?
This dude does not want to be exclusive, doesn't want to date you, even. If you want more you will not get it from him no matter what he vaguely hand-wave says about “in the future”.
He doesn’t take any responsibility for how his world perception hurts you. He cares more for his needs than his own
This can be applied to both father and fiancé… I’d reconsider this ultimatum. Set boundaries and standards for the life you can be happy in. If fiancé won’t meet them, he won’t make you happy, it’s simple maths.
Have I really messed it up by doing this? If you were in her shoes would you be done with this? I asked her to talk to me about it but hasn’t responded yet.
Yes. You stepped in it this time. Shit up to your knees. I would definitely be done with you. What exactly do you think you can say to make this right.
I talked to one of my friends
Don't take his dating advice in the future. If you every get another girlfriend, trust her or don't date her. BTW Her knowing you were trying to catch her is hilarious. Play stupid prizes, win stupid prizes. Enjoy being single.
Your wife is ungrateful. You deserve someone better. It’s clear she is taking her anger out on you and you’re allowing her to use you as a punching bag. What the fuck is wrong with these commenters. They’re the ones being condescending
“Hey, remember not to smoke on the balcony, it's against the rules and the neighbours have commented on it.”
“I feel like a stranger!”
“What do you mean by that? In what way do you feel 'like a stranger'?”
“I don't know.”
“Well, that sucks, maybe you want to talk to a therapist about that. Let me know if you come to any helpful insights, OK? And no more smoking on the balcony.”
I noticed the same thing lol it threw me off
“Can't judge someone based on a reddit post”… Oh sweet, summer child… You came to a relationship advice sub to explain that you were fucking around on your boyfriend. There was never going to be a version of this where you weren't going to get the advice to maybe not pogo onto anyone slinging dick your way while you're already in a relationship.
There’s a lot that’s wrong there. The only part that is dicey, is this was done in a private capacity. A chat to the states licensing board could help clarify. There are absolutely contexts where a therapist might need to tell you what you are feeling is wrong though.
Mazel tov! It’s checks notes two man children!
I’ve noticed that anytime a girl doesn’t dress stereotypically feminine or plain Jain people assume she’s queer. I guess only the gays are allowed a sense of style.
You could send him a text message just saying “we need to meet up at a coffee shop together, just the two of us, to talk about the current housing situation – “.
It sets the ground work for the conversation, it's not had in your home where someone will eavesdrop and she won't be attending the meet up. At this point she's just mooching. The older siblings know it and they don't want her so they've used the excuse of children etc to their vantage and sacrificed you guys for it.
That really isn't a conversation though, what people mean is sit down and discuss time-frames. “Temporary” is *sometime” in the future, start putting a schedule on it. Is temporary 6 months or 6 years? Is temporary till she finds somewhere else to go or till she dies? You have to talk to him like you did in your OP, not tiptoe around it, discuss it.
That said I get that you are feeling like it's you against an entire family, but that isn't how it should be in any way whatsoever. You want a future with this man you need to get your present in order. Futures are made with plans first, right now your in a holding pattern of regularity that you are just going to become increasingly irritated with and resent him, her, his extended family and you'll get so far gone you'll leave.
And guess what? THAT'S when he will all of a sudden have a plan to uproot her ass. By then you won't care anymore. Then what?
I forgot to mention she does provide the car I use to get to work and provides housing where rent only costs us 500$ a month. That is how she pulls her weight while studying for the MCAT to get better career aspects.
This is the truth.
OP you expressed feeling like the relationship has run its course. Stick to that feeling. He is absolutely abusive and this is definitely one of those things that should not only trigger the red flags but the sirens. You need to get out of this situation.
Do you have someone else to stay with? If I was you I would pack up my stuff while he is away at work and get out before you tell him it's over. Leaving abusers is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship.
You'll never know if he is weaponizing his therapy or being genuine. But it really doesn't matter. He is not interested in hearing your concerns and feelings. He is abusive. He had choked you. There is so much more out there for you.
For real.
Are you having sex now? If so and its not stopping i wouldn't worry about it