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I actually have extended the courtesy of understanding to those who deal with this in their loved ones. You mention yelling several times. Not once did I say that was acceptable behavior towards a loved one. As a matter of fact, it’s not. Certainly none of us can claim we’ve never yelled, but it doesn’t excuse the behavior. Not only did I extend understanding, I actually mentioned that one response is NOT more important than the other and specifically state a diagnosis should not be used as an excuse for poor behavior. Frankly, I’m a bit puzzled why you’d suggest I was not being understanding. It’s interesting to hear you describe your difficulty with understanding trauma responses and specifically mentioning other physical injuries or ailments. Your description of how impossible it is for you to receive the intended message while someone is yelling (ie. all I see is red, I’m checked out, I just can’t break through) is, without question, a trauma response. Textbook. You even acknowledge it as such. Because of your childhood, yelling is a behavior that causes you to shut down. Physically shut down. That is because your brain was taught that the safest response was to disconnect from your body and freeze. A person who has endured prolonged or multiple traumatic events might actually respond in more than one way. For example, fight/fawn. Yell and then become overly apologetic. One such example of this dynamic for you might be that you shut down when someone yells because that’s what your brain learned to do. Now you might stop responding completely, which for many people will trigger a response and they’ll feel the need to “get bigger” to try and reach you with their feelings or distress. It’s a classic example of the push-pull dynamic. One chases and the other retreats. Suddenly, two people’s equally valid traumatic experiences (where their brain learned two very different ways of keeping itself safe) are feeding into this cycle of pursuit and withdrawal. Both are distressed and using their learned coping techniques. Now one person is yelling because they are desperately needing to feel heard and understood while the other retreats and shuts down because they learned it would keep them safe to avoid conflict entirely. What is exceptionally fascinating is that individuals who experience severe or prolonged trauma are SIGNIFICANTLY MORE LIKELY TO EXPERIENCE OTHER HEALTH PROBLEMS. Their stress levels cause inflammation. We’ve all likely heard that stress produces Cortisol. This is scientific fact. Cortisol reduces the functions of the body that would be deemed “non-essential” in a fight or flight situation. It actually alters immune responses in the body and suppresses the digestive system. By the way, I’ll mention here that I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease about a year after moving in with my ex-husband. Crohn’s is an autoimmune disease that causes the body to attack the digestive system. During our marriage I was hospitalized anywhere between 2 and 4 times per year. After my divorce, I have not been admitted to the hospital one time for a Crohn’s flare. I am in remission, but I will likely never be able to taper off my medication because my disease is considered to be moderate to severe and has only in these last several years been well controlled. Those years directly correlate to my split and subsequent divorce. I could lay out a timeline of my marriage and another with my health struggles and flares and you’d be able to see the correlation plain as day. Alas, I have digressed, but I felt it important to give clear and specific examples of how trauma DOES create other very serious health issues. Just as serious as a broken leg or a heart condition.
What are his reasons the other 8 times. I somehow don’t believe this story.
If he loved you why would he do that? Idk if cheaters can love anyone but themselves.
If he loved you, he wouldn't have cheated on you ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶o̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶a̶ ̶y̶e̶a̶r̶.̶ ̶He does not love you.
Yes! Who, in love, describes their relationship in their head in percentages? Then, unsure reaches out to the one person who will totally destroy the loved one?
Its not looking for an easy way out because of her vagina, its getting an easy way out because other people are treating her different because she has a vagina
You don't love her, you love the person you thought she was…she's not that person.
I remember this post!!
Yeah, I'm sure I've seen this exact post but from the guys perspective..
Your friend doesn't owe you or anyone else his body or protection. You don't know anything about the 2 people getting into a fight. You say it would have took to long to call the cops yet there was security you found in seconds that handled the situation.
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Can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. Sounds to me like you’ve outgrown each other
Your wife is cray cray, as others said she needs help. This is obsessive behaviour and it is not a good sign.
You're absolutely correct. I think the best route is to find a way to motivate her to help without bringing her down, I don't want her to hate me.
Therapy would be great but you can't really get it where I'm at without being on a waitlist for a couple of years. I'll look into it though – better to start now.
You sound like you have a lot of pent up resentment over the last 18 years. You want your wife to be sexual, she was, put on quite the show for you, and your….jealous? How naked do you work to get her off? Have you ever asked her what she likes?
You can be as upset, or not, as you like OP.
We often see in here these type of questions asking whether someone should feel X or should they feel Y. And if they feel one way are they guilty of something and what they can do to think differently. The same questions get asked and the same responses from both sides will do the rounds, get argued over, etc.
But what you issue comes down too is this. How do you feel about it?
If you are meh, then well and good. If you think you can overcome it and move on with her, well that's also well and good. If you think that things got a bit tainted maybe looking at rebooting your relationship is worth doing. Again, all well and good.
And if you see that the relationship was tainted irrevocably at the start by doing this and you now feel differently about her, and feel like you can never get that feeling for her back and thus want to break things off.
That is also well and good.
This is your life OP and if you feel strongly enough about this and can no longer see her the same way as you before you found this out, then there is nothing stopping you from saying “yeah this is not for me, I enjoyed our time but this is too much” and end things with her.
She'll be sad, you'll be sad and life will continue and you'll both move on with your lives.
Wait? Why didn't you just reread his texts? He probably thinks you have a drinking problem.
Send her to her parents to get some distance. Tell her you will contact her when you are ready to talk. Use the time away to get your head straight and decide what you really want without her influence.
It sounds like you have some things covered but I strongly think you need to learn how to best transition your daughter to your care. You need to visit as often as possible and build a relationship. You don't want to suddenly be her parent and everything she's ever known is gone. That's not a good situation for her.
And you need to watch her for small periods of time on your own because seeing her at her grandma's is not going to be how it is as a sudden parent. You all need to transition as slowly as circumstances will allow. I'd talk to a child psychologist as quickly as you can.
As for your wife, I wouldn't say, “I'm telling you I will be taking full custody of my daughter.” Say something like, “I'm strongly thinking about this and here are the pros and cons. What are your feelings and input?” If you beat her over the head with it right out of the gate, you could create a situation that may not be how it has to be. If she thinks you're about to jump off a cliff with the suddenness and seriousness without more information and time, that could affect how she responds. Ultimately, I'd absolutely do what you're wanting to do. Just go as easy as possible.
HER insecurities…HER trust issues. You ARE BLAMING HER. And you impose a timeline on her that SHE should be over it by now. Jesus Christ. You are still selfish.
Play this smart. Have a conversation with the friend in private asking what the fuck first. Record that on your phone. Remember to point out that you were not awake, could not consent and it had never happened before. Make your distain know. Tell your girlfriend. If she doubts you, and maybe even if she doesn't, play her that recording.
I said I was the problem but what can I do to help support her? Because obviously I’m not doing it right
Nobody wants to see that? Don’t tell my partner that. Every time I try to initiate and she’s not in the mood, she tells me she wants to watch me and cuddles me during it. Sometimes we even watch porn together during foreplay (I let her pick the video though because her tastes are more picky).
Everyone has different boundaries, and that’s ok. Communication and respect is what is important here.
Why is cheating the be all and end all? When I really think about it, cheating is far less hurtful than many other things, just society has made it to be the worst of the worst.
This guy needs help, but doesn't accept that he needs it, so things won't get better until he does.
I’ve tried calling him and he seems so upset he doesn’t even answer the phone he just declines my calls
Well then, your 2 kids and you home together didn't STOP her from cheating!
What she is doing is wrong, she has no respect for you and no regards for your “life together” and remember
Once a cheater always a cheater