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I'm sorry, I missed the part about how long you and him have been together.
You say you have a tendency to insert bigger issues into smaller disputes, but why do you think that is? It is more of a personal issue that you have or is it because you and your boyfriend really just never seem to resolve the issues you have together?
If your boyfriend has a habit of 'losing his patience and yelling' when something isn't going according to how he wants it, then that suggests the former more than the latter. That's not to say the latter isn't also a problem, but it definitely doesn't sound like you're the crazy one here.
I'm not sure what advice you're looking for exactly, but I think you and your boyfriend should at the very least agree to treat each other with respect. Impatience and raised voices aren't respectful, so those behaviours need to go.
After the sister update, where do you stand now?
Because of everything you said that's why you can't move past it. He quite intentionally brought up something she did… that he wants… that you can't do. Truthfulness is one thing. Being tactful and considerate is another. He failed at the tactful and considerate. I'd tell him exactly what you told us. And how you feel. If he's disappointed cause you can't do anal, he's allowed that yeah, but you're disappointed that he's not recognizing the previous damage done to you, and he's not being respectful of it. You were physically hurt and permanently damaged. So he also has to live! with the “truth” and accept his own lack of empathy. It's no different than if you were missing a leg and he told you how he loved his ex gf's legs and how satisfying they were to him… when your are missing a leg. It's truthful but it's still a dick thing to say.