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Legally speaking, there is nothing wrong with it in the US, and I generally shrug at age gaps so long as it it between two consenting adults, but…… the circumstances and optics surrounding this are throwing up red flags everywhere for me.
Your friend is barely legal and a far more mature adult, who has known him since he was nine, wants to swoop in there? There are social power dynamics here which feel maddeningly inappropriate, and my finger is hovering over the groomer button, but I don’t know what kind of relationship they have had up until this point. It feels very suspicious, though.
If your mom won’t listen to you, maybe you should reach out to your friend and let him know where you stand on this.
If you guys are into cooking, make him a meal he likes
there's consequences for being ugly too
So why are you with her? Return her to the streets where she belongs.
She belongs to the streets.
it’s playing devils advocate with yourself. OP said she tends to view herself as ‘right’ so challenge herself and her views by viewing it from his side and challenging her to look at those views from a less one-sided perspective
It can be an expression of trust and intimacy.
Pretty sure 80% of adults in the US have that. 4/5. Most people call it cold sores. They will go away and not really be a bother unless unhealthy and stressed. Also pretty sure they made a cure for herpes a couple years ago but noone talks about it because it was during the height of covid.
Your grandfathers would cousins, so even if you were actually related, you would be third cousins, which is pretty much the same as not being related at all. Most people also dont actually have any contact with family this far removed from them. It would be a non issue.
But more importantly, you are NOT related. So its an even bigger non-issue. Like, there is absolutely no problem here at all. Its just a funny coincidence.
It's understandable that you're feeling confused and unsure about what to do in this situation. It's natural to want to protect your relationship and your partner, but at the same time, it's important to be honest with each other and to communicate openly. If you found an unfinished note that seems to suggest that your partner may have been considering splitting up, it's worth bringing up the topic with him. He may have changed his mind since writing the note, or there may be other reasons why he wrote it that he can explain to you. It's important to have a clear and honest conversation about your relationship and how you both are feeling. This will help you both understand each other's perspective and make the best decision for your relationship moving forward.
Keep her, especially if she's nice to you, and don't be a fool. If you leave her, you will undoubtedly be sorry.
It’s not? I guess I just still have some maturing to do so that I can allow it to come naturally
Counselling was going to my next option after Reddit.
Everytime we try talk about it I land up feeling like shit because she breaks down and we almost always land up having sex soon afterwards but that starts to feel manufactured.
I should add if I say no to her advances she'll get upset and say how she feels like she's stupid for trying.
A lot of people end up married after Tinder dates or whatever. Why not
You are too young. What would it hurt to wait? Just chill out, enjoy dating each other, and see how things go. I’d very strongly recommend you try living together before you decide if you want to get married or not.
Source: I was your age when I got married, and came to regret it. I think I never would’ve done it if I’d just taken my time a little more.
Okay thank you!
Wtf
Hmm. Well. It’s the weekend and it has been one day without hearing from her. I’d wait until Monday and see. I assume she will be in touch ?
Friend, you just realized a platonic friendship got a little more than platonic and it was a solid nope. You immediately put up boundaries and are putting distance between you and this chick. This isn’t something you need to discuss with your SO because you did the right thing.
I respect that you’re trying to correct my grammar, but I enjoy grammar and this is my take on the further v.s. farther argument: People use both further and farther to mean “more distant”. However, American English speakers favor farther for physical distances and further for figurative distances. Both work in this grammatical setting. -they both relate to distance, though (lol)
That being said, I’m going to try to explain this in the most simple terms that I can think of so that (hopefully) you’re able to follow and possibly even understand. -If my husband wanted a grilled cheese for dinner and I told him no, you’re have a ham sandwich, that would be an example of me controlling him. -If my husband and I discuss our boundaries and decide mutually that watching porn or looking at instagram models is a boundary for us, that is not an example of being controlling.
Friend, you just realized a platonic friendship got a little more than platonic and it was a solid nope. You immediately put up boundaries and are putting distance between you and this chick. This isn’t something you need to discuss with your SO because you did the right thing.
This does not sound like modeling at all.
They said “mean to say” as in “are you saying”, they are not calling you mean.
As to what you gain from befriending women is a friend. If you solely go after women for sexual or romantic relationships then perhaps a friendship with them is beyond you. That’s fine as it’s your life, but if you live! your life as black and white, men and women, who gives and who receives I fear you’ll have very shallow relationships. Good luck with those, imma have beers with my male friends.
I'm black and my mother had the same mentality. “Mom is God” is a prevelent mentality in our culture. “She can do whatever she wants to you bc she's your mother” was said to me so many times. It was used to justify and excuse the horrible things she did to me. Even when I left they were like, “She's your mother. You can't just not talk to her!”
Challenge accepted.
Now she has no daughter. She's dead to me. I tell everyone I don't have a mom. I don't. I have a warden.
Parents like this do not deserve kids.
He already told you the girl doesn't want to meet you/ isn't ready. What else do you want him to do? Force her? That's ridiculous.
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Her or me? Lol
You froze because it’s a trauma response. It was your body trying to keep you safe. If you’re close with your mother, tell her. Otherwise find another responsible adult who you feel safe with and tell them. You need support and help. The guy’s mother is probably trying to cover his ass because she knows what he did was assault.
Yes applies to all men, he was just a bit too honest, boner is an involuntary reaction, better u learn how men really while you’re young. He also jerks off thinking about other women. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love u
Then your sister and parents are kind of right to say you don't have loyalty towards your sister, your loyalty is towards her bf clearly. You're free to have that opinion, but your sister and parents are also free to be pissed at you because of it.
Honestly, the best thing for everyone involved IMO would be to not get involved with her relationships anymore. At the end of the day, it's not your relationship.
So you spent the first part of your story spouting off about your wondering partner and how much you love them etc. Eh no you don’t. You’ve had an emotional, somewhat physical affair with married man that was talking about having a family with his WIFE. You’re both scum. Phone numbers should have been blocked from the first conversation about overstepping the mark, but no. You carried on knowing your poor partner and his poor wife was at home none the wiser. Shame on you both. You don’t deserve that lovely guy by the sounds of it.
Absolutely
I am unemployed but work here and there with an old boss. He can't afford to hire me full time so I help whenever I can and he can pay me. I'm a nail tech, I know I'm making my job sound weird lol. Anyways, I use that money. Its mostly my cash tips. And the weed has literally nothing to do with me being unemployed, us nail techs don't get tested for drugs usually. If anything, the problem started getting bigger once I got unemployed. When I was employed I would use weed more recreationally, even after I stopped the meds.
Maybe ask him to pay for a maid/cleaner twice a week for those 3 mo, or however long he wants to take to be an adult
I wouldn't be able to help with this. I can't understand her tbh. If she's upset cuz she feels inadequate because of this situation, it doesn't make logical sense. She doesn't know why he's marrying someone else. He could be marrying that girl cuz she got pregnant, some people marry for that reason. That would have nothing to do with her. She also started dating that guy when she was a teen. Your brain isn't even done growing until you're 25. By the end of their relationship they are 2 different people.
If she's upset cuz she's not over him then she shouldn't have gotten into a new relationship if she wasn't over her ex. If my ex got married, I wouldn't give a crap. His actions have no baring on my feelings. She needs therapy so she can regulate a bit better cuz 2 weeks seems like a long time for me. I probably wouldn't still be there for someone like that after 2 weeks after only dating for less than a year.
Also life hack: doors have locks.
Sure maybe, I think you can kinda try to expedite the process of realizing they need help but I won't fight you on that, but it also isn't easy to carry this much water for someone else who is also taking jabs at you for not doing more. Then to go to the internet with that situation and have everyone tell you its probably your fault and what you need to do to fix the situation, even going as far as to call op unempathetic when he's gone above and beyond normal expectations to help her. It's honestly really gross.
What you do is break up. He's showing you how he will treat you if you ARE pregnant — he will abandon you & deny it. And he's showing you how he'll behave when things get hard or stressful — he will berate you and lie to you. This guy is NOT safe and trustworthy. Please heed this warning and reconsider the relationship. He's not a nice guy. He's treating you like crap.
You are 27.
You need to map out what you want your life to look like in 1-3 , 5 years. Does this relationship allow that? You planning on dating someone LDR infinity and knowing you are incompatible in person?
Lots of men see sexworkers, I met a bunch of normal guys doing that job. Creeps see sexworkers with their friends or work buddies.
This guys profile?????
You sound wildly insecure for a man of 40. Ever heard of communication? And she didn't insult you randomly and say: hey, btw you don't turn me on!
I hate it when one person a relationship projects their insecurities on the other. Now she has to think about how you perceive whatever she's doing instead of enjoying her own experience.
I wouldn't call it emotional cheating. Acting on her feelings in any way would be. It makes sense that you feel hurt, her sharing feelings with someone else. Do you feel you can trust her not to do anything else?
Honestly I think you need to exit this relationship.
You're a responsible adult and he simply isn't. He doesn't think things through before making financial commitments and it ends up having consequences for your life.
You might have been the right people for each other when you were teenagers but you aren't any more.
You seem to be the most nervous person ever, that doesn't say good things about your relationship, nor does long distance, nor does your STI fears.
Why did you meet for sex if you are so nervous? Why would you want to have sex once and then be apart?
Haha that doesn’t mean it was her fault either, it just means she was right about you shitbag!
fucking seriously though.
“But our future childreeeeen!”
So…don’t have children if you ONLY want to provide a penthouse apartment for them and cannot fathom raising them any other way.
Might be weird. I dunno. Wouldn't bother me. But however you feel about it, it's not as bad as passing around hard pics of somebody you know without their consent.
You’re already her plan B.
OP answered in a recent comment he knew them before knowing OP
I agree.
They did the right thing and didn't involve their child with their sex life, when he found out by following his mum they were immediately up front and honest with him.
I think they handled it correctly, aside from not taking a step back when he found out to deal with his feelings and get him into therapy, and maybe some family therapy as well.
Parents are also whole human beings who have a right to a sex life and happiness outside of just being someone's mom or dad.
I mean, my love would turn real conditional real quick if I found out my SO wanted to fuck other people while in a relationship with me.
Love, at least HEALTHY love, with a partner IS conditional. If you're loving your partner no matter the awful things they do to you, that's just called codependency.
He brought her back to the home you share?
He brought her back to the home you share?
Thanks for the Cliffs Notes. It’s been a long damn day and this made it easier.
His inability to control his triggers doesn't mean you have to tiptoe around them for him.
This will only get worse and escalate. Please, leave while you still can.
Your parents made their choice.
You have no obligation to include them in your life if they effectively cut you from theirs.
Unless you have kids or specific responsibilities you don't need to ask permission
The fact she is threatening you with leaving speaks volumes
Dump her
Girls do love drama no doubt about it , from the gossip in the office to the TV shows they watch
That's why push / pull is a common pickup technique , thats why a bit of dominance in the bedroom is so popular and that's why a lot of woman struggle to get over boyfriends who were a little bit nasty
They are emotional at their core it's not a secret , that's why they make great mother's and great nurses and great teachers.
A lot of woman don't like life being super smooth , it's gets boring and they don't like a guy they can just walk all over.
That is from OPs perspective. I agree there is something missing from the story.
I think you need to go to your brother & tell him how awful it makes you feel.
Remind him of your rape & how it affected you & your family.
It may be true that everyone deserves to be forgiven, but forgiveness doesn’t mean keeping them in the fold.
This is really, really difficult. The best you can do is be completely transparent with your brother.
He basically just told you that your body type is his type. He doesn’t care about curves. Which you admit you don’t have.
I’m not sure how you took this offensively? It is pretty much as reassuring as he could possibly be
Cause I can’t imagine dating someone who can’t ‘stand being around that many white pol’ yet she dates one lol. Seems so many POC who have problems with white ppl.. date them. Lol I don’t get it. Even the comments here, POC who have a white partner but don’t want to be around to many white ppl. Lol
It's very understandable that you're thinking this way, but it's not valid. Deal breakers should exist in your world. You're not special, you're not broken, you're a human person. You deserve the same amount of space everybody deserves and anybody pushing into that space has to be pushed out, point blank.
This guy is no good for you.
You are no good for relationships right now.
I say this with every kindness and scrap of love, but you gotta stay away from men until you decide to stop using them to punish yourself for sins you have not committed. You need to talk to somebody. You need to spend time alone in your head learning who you are. You need to go through all this and unpack all this and be your own person. What you don't need is the distraction of a totally needy partner, and that's the kind of guy you go for right now.
I just added the update to this post. Thank you all.
You are absolutely right, and neither of us were afraid that would happen.
Do you think that it hurts to communicate this to the other partner in the relationship to establish transparency, respect and trust?
I mean not a good talking point if she is your ex lol
If I were your husband, I’d be livid. This is a serious red flag.
I’m gonna push against the tide here, and say I don’t see anything wrong here. It doesn’t sound like you’re stopping her from doing things her age; on the contrary, she’s trying to actively involve you. It doesn’t sound like you’re forcing her to take on a role in your child’s life, or trying to trap her with a baby or something like that. If you feel young enough to do the things she wants you both to do together, I say live! it for as long as it goes my dude! If it’s a short thing, so be it. If you guys end up spending the rest of your lives together, then more for you both!
Don’t listen to her friend (singular, it sounds like her other friends weren’t trying to meddle in your girlfriends business), she’s had one too many, is probably feeling a bit jealous if she’s single herself, and wanted to vocalise how she felt (which she has every right to do). Please don’t take it to heart, and make it come between you and your girlfriend. Be honest with her how that comment made you feel, and accept any reassurance she has that she’s happy in yours relationship. The trust her and move on!
Good luck to you both, I hope it all works out!
Break up with him. You did what YOU wanted to do, and there are definitely dudes out there that love piercings, and also recognize that they have no business telling their partner what to do or not do with their body.
Alright so another update:
After like 24h she came to the realisation that the attention she got from that specific boy was obviously not worth anything. The past 2 days I’ve been dry responding and almost not respond at all and I think that made her realize what had happened. Now obviously for my self respect I already told her that she made a difficult decision and we will have to deal with it, now since it all happend, we called almost 48h after what had happend. Realizing that I’m worth waiting for another 4 weeks before I came with the airplane (yes we even made plans last week for me before I came by, before these extreme thoughts)
The phone call was of high quality realizing the problems I had (not expressing my feelings that I miss her, etc…) and realizing the problems she had. I always told her that if there’s a problem we can work it out and she was convinced that that indeed is how it is…
I might’ve jumped too fast to conclusions why she wanted to break up with me because she did it out of the blue for me. Now I’ve talked with friends etc and everything and they al said the same, that the decision she made was NOT the way. Even her friends didn’t believe how it went…
They don't see me drinking or smoking. But they know we're not happy. They see us arguing.
Yea i think today was the last straw im gonna cut ties with him if there's no other option. However its gonna be awkward seeing both of them in class and talking to only one of them also he was my benchmate.
So he raped you – that’s what having sex without consent is- and you’re still with him- why? How many enormous red flags do you need ?
Hey, I'm nosey lol. I saw your post about your eviction stuff and the dog. Is there a chance your parents would let you back at their place for a while to recover financially?
Let him know in a public setting, for sure. Things like this can be dangerous for women
Luckily she's channeling all her demonic energy on her husband alone so that's all well and good.
What you really need is to go to rehab, detox, and get away from all of these men. ASAP.
Yes
My wife sometimes struggles with self image, and something I do fairly often that seems to have a really big impact on her is I'll walk up to her, gently tilt her chin up so she's looking me in the eye, say “hey you, you're beautiful,” give her a kiss and go about my business.
It doesn't have to be a big dramatic gesture, sometimes just regular affirmation and reinforcement works better to reassure someone that you find them attractive.
That’s very masculine angry energy.
Thinking there is no difference to men and women is more unfortunate conditioning of third wave feminism.
Of course you don’t work to increase your value. Man don’t value it.
Your individual behaviour isn’t important to a man that wants marriage and a family. If your goal is to stay single or have a low value man then that’s fine.
There are multiple ways to raise a child . There are even lots of single mothers. But having an SAHM is the best option with a partner working. It’s what we are discussing.
Could a father not be present because he’s working? Possibly but it’s not a standard problem. Just a fear you exaggerate to justify something to yourself. It is your personal excuse you tell yourself as to why you ‘had’ to work. Did it clear your conscience? If the father has to work so many hours that he doesn’t see his family then he actually needed you to work because he wasn’t making enough. Needing you to work is very difficult because it’s purely about survival. That’s understandable.
It’s unfortunate you were such a masculine mother. You don’t sound different than a man. You cheated your child from a mom. Two people acting like dad won’t help them.
There is no working reasonable hours. There is just you leaving your child to work. It’s sad that time means so little to you but then again, you just gave birth to them. There is no maternal instinct from you.
Yup. I did say that about choice. That’s life. Saying biology is garbage is ridiculous.
If we were made live! that way then nearly all of us would be happy to naturally.
It’s great you say that because most were happy. Feminism changed that. Notice how angry and masculine you are. It got you resenting your life and role. It got you wanting a thankless job completing against men, over wanting time with your child.
You online how you want if you can find a partner who agrees.
Isn’t that everyone?
But the day I let you tell me or my daughter how to live! will never arrive.
Your daughter will make her own decisions. Whether she wants to live! like you is yet to be determined. Children often cycle their childhood. You see it a lot with broken relationships. So she may have picked up your behaviour.
You seem confused. I have zero ability to tell you how to online. You have already done and doing it. So it’s irrelevant and emotionally silly.
Did you make the right decision? This is purely an ethical question and Im not here to pass judgement.
On one hand it would be hard for you to lose feelings for your friend, but on the other hand you did just repay a friend going above and beyond to help you by blocking them.
If you feel you made the right choice then things will get better with time, you will get new friends, but you should also understand why your friends found your behaviour unacceptable.
You're right — the consequences are far more severe for women. Women take the sole risk — both to their body and their career. We are the ones who risk death and permanent injury with pregnancy. We are the ones who lose years of their career and earning potential and have to start from scratch if the husband leaves. The husband leaving for another woman happens far more often than baby switching. Its a joke you'd even compare the two.
Everyone takes a risk. That's why trust is so important. There's nothing wrong with requesting a paternity test if there's already been an affair, in fact you can even get a court-ordered test. But as a blanket policy for any woman you'd ever have kids with — that's insane. I have never had a guy say that to me. Never in my life have any of my girlfriends ever met a guy who had such a policy. It's beyond paranoid.
Ok that’s good for you. But in some areas lack of sex education and protection results in a high amount of children being boring from one night stands and casual sex especially in teenagers.
I’m saying paternity should be mandatory. Doctors run a variety of tests on babies for health related issues, adding a paternity tests into it wouldn’t be a issue to anyone except women having something to hide.
Like I said most of you woman fail to understand the doubt that could go through since you would never run the risk of experiencing it.
Just out of interest, how your you feel about men suing women for paternity fraud if they’ve raised a child that isn’t theirs ?
If I had an award to give you then you'd have got one. I didn't see the OP but I'm also sick and tired of people recognising someone is an abusive relationship and then being abusive towards them themselves as if that's going to help them leave. They have absolutely zero clue about how abusers work to trap and manipulate their victims into staying and it shows. Either that or they're abusers themselves and know exactly what they're doing.
Break up. You are so young and you are obviously interested in other people. Your boyfriend will be ok too it’s will be good for you both. Try to make him think it’s his idea it will be easier on him maybe?
Well the issue isn't who did what, it's that she goes out of her way to present something that is not true.
I don't care that it wasn't even. I care that she goes out of her way to bring it up and present an unfair version.
Wow the audacity. I’m shocked you even considered it and didn’t immediately dump that guy. I wonder why that is. Why continue to date someone that was so rude that they said they didn’t like something about your physical appearance AND suggested surgery to change it for them. Even typing that out and repeating it I’m just like WTF and Wow.
If your up for it outdo her and return the favor.
I think because she moved to a new area and you’re the one she’s living with she’s probably going to assume that she could kind of tagalong with you and your friends will be her friends so I think it’s important that you just don’t invite her out whenever you’re doing individual stuff but I think to put the wall up and say I’m not going to be her friend is pretty nasty of you honestly especially because you know that she doesn’t have anybody I can’t see why it would be such a big issue to offer to go out to lunch with her and study together or some thing. There are extremes to everything but telling your roommate you don’t want to be friends is not cool. I almost feel like you shouldn’t be asking for a roommate if you’re going to cop an attitude like that because WTF girl. It would be different if you found out she was wiping her ass with your toothbrush but she’s done nothing to you and you just don’t like her because.. she’s eager to have friends? Yikes. It doesn’t make you sound like a very nice person.
Firat of all, thank you so much for your comment, it's honestly so eloquent and so in line to the advice I was looking for.
I will have a long serious talk with my boyfriend; I usually have no problem putting my feelings out there, but I hope he can express his side as well, he sometimes is not good talking about his feelings/emotions.
Both him and my family are so important to me, I hope that with that conversation we can reach an agreement.
Again, thank you so much for your comment.
I will say I did talk at length about him in the early stages. I try to only give updates now and ask less advice from her because she got pissed at me for “not seeing” what she’s seeing. So I’m trying to talk more about her and her life— but then she pries for information about what we did and what happened.
Additionally, my personality probably has changed a bit-I moved from a large metropolitan to a small Midwest city. I was MASSIVELY depressed before I moved here to be with my family and now I’m more at ease and comfortable. My lifestyle did change as there isn’t as much to do here so of course I’m not “going out” like I would there, and my life is pretty much work, gym, family, therapy, and spending time with them (and friends intermittently). I’m comfortable with it—I don’t want to go out and party like I did in my 20s.
I’m sorry this has happened to you. But you’ve got this, you’ve got the strength to leave someone that does not value, respect or appreciate you. You will find the one that does.
Ah okay, goodness ?♀️ I’ve already said that to him just to seem like I’m chilled and cool with everything…I’m an idiot
Hey, you don't have to apologize for your life before you meet her.
If she cannot accept it – ask her why did she marry you? In any case, I see three choices: she gets therapy, you break up and she (and you) gets as much sex as she wants, you open relationship and she (and you) gets as much sex as she wants.
Just curious, what exactly is she so bitter about? Have you mentioned something about your first partner to her, that made her so insecure and obsessed with this issue? Or is it a cultural tradition in your country, to be a virgin before marriage and she feels like your marriage is a fake because you were not?
Neither of you sound like you're ready for a relationship, but the problem here is mostly you.
Your jealousy and anger will never be conducive to any healthy relationship. You need to work with a professional to get them both under control before being in another relationship.
Nope, it aint gonna work out because he's the sort of person who blame anything and everything but the real problem because it'd conflict with his views. One trans person carries out a school shooting and trans people are the porblem, well what did he have to say about the hundred other school shootings that have happened?
Sounds like you should leave him because you are not mature enough for a relationship. Liking a pic on social media is no big deal. If it is for you, then maybe seek therapy.
WAIT!!!!!
isn't that how it's supposed to go???!!!/s
Break up with him and find someone who values you and doesn’t try to cheat you out of your savings.
Why are you apologizing over and over for his mess? He has an alarm, too. If he wanted to get up and go to brunch there was absolutely nothing stopping him from doing it, and none of this has anything to do with you. This is abusive and manipulative, and you should get out.
It just seems so odd that in a thirty second encounter it went to that? It also was at like 4 PM on a Thursday in an upscale-ish suburban shopping center mall.
Don’t go.