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there is no easy way. in any case, it will be confrontational.
as i don't know how you both react, i cannot make an enlightened assumption.
so I would go with : “taking hard photo without consent is an invasion of privacy, an a criminal offense. I had deleted the pics i didn't agree to be taken. as i was at it, i have deleted the pic that you have already 'deleted' 8 years go. we don't want you in jail for sexual harassement from any of you ex, isn't it ?”.
He turned 24 recently and i'm 19
You're dealing with some residual trauma from a previous relationship. It's not you being insecure, you're just working through some very serious shit.
I had some hang ups about texting and I brought it up with my partner maybe 2 months in.
Oh you should definitely tell her. Just let her down easy.
There will always be someone better looking or smarter than you, as nobody is perfect. Have you never seen a better looking guy than your bf? With all the filters and photoshop, social media is selling you a false/unrealistic picture.
You are very young and I assume he is your first serious relationship. With time you will understand, that it is not all about having the perfect/ideal body. If your next bf will have an other bodytype as ideal, will you be sad and depressed again? Just embrace your body, be confident and live! a happy life, cause he choose you for a reason, that is much more meaningful than having an ideal body.
I would just tell my sister that my loyalty is with my partner and she should keep her mouth shut about her opinions when it comes to my partner, at least to me.
I did that with my mother. Then I told my partner what my mother said and how I responded and it's fair because my partner knows my mom is a snake.
My partner tells me what his parents say about me too. They're snakes too and I play nice, but I'm just waiting for the day when we move away from them and leave them to be shitty to eachother without us there.
Even when blood family isn’t shit, chosen family can be more important.
But yes I do agree it’s more expensive than a lot of other places, but to me it’s completely worth it for the medical security and the peace of mind I have surrounding illness.
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Nothing's easy
I mean, he is almost 50. If he hasn't learned that by now..
3 months???? The hell you talking about dude? His choice is to stop talking about it or leave.
What can I do?
You can stop asking. She's made it very clear she doesn't want to send you photos. You should back off and respect her wishes.
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Just don’t let him into your place. If he forgot something, give it to him outside. Make sure you change the locks and get a doorbell camera in case he shows up. Be careful that he isn’t violent to you or decides to vandalize your cars.
???
This isn’t a healthy relationship. I almost feel like you are in a caretaker role. You deserve an equal partnership and to have your needs met.
So here is what I think you should do: start setting boundaries. Slowly at first, but they can be things like “I really need you to do the dishes today since I’m going to be working.”
It sounds like you’ve allowed her to act in certain ways that you now wish to change- I’ve been there too! and the only way it will change is IF YOU CHANGE IT.
Try to initiate sex. Tell her she needs to be working, because you can’t do two jobs anymore. You are a person and you matter! Your needs matter!
Best case: she will realize she’s taken you for granted and shape up
Worst case: she will balk and refuse and then you’re free to actually find a partner who deserves you
You sound very patient and loving. Don’t let someone take advantage of that. You deserve everything a full relationship has to offer.
6 years is a long time. Are you willing to do this for 6 more?
To be fair I'd be working the 2 jobs either way hahah. BUT Yeah definitely. Going to make this talk happen. Thanks for your words.
Leave. I'm telling you from experience that you're always going to second guess everything he tells you from now on. He lied when confronted and is probably lying about more than this. Life is too short to waste it with someone who broke your trust. I don't care what people say, this can't be worked through. Once the trust is gone, it's gone.
This is so familiar to me, I started to get anxiety from it. I once was mocked in a group setting by my partner, and I too left. He didn't text me for four hours, long after I'd been home and left to go to my mother's.
I wish I'd broken up with him then. I didn't. I let the relationship continue for two more years.
I won't say you should leave him for this. But I will say that I wished I had.
Break up with him. Tell him he can go find his own place to live! or end up in that box that he so prefers. He clearly doesn't respect you because you have been breaking your back while he lays on his. You have been taking care of him for years and what do you have to show for it but a sore body and a good for nothing man. He will not change. He will not keep a job for as long as you refuse to put your foot down and tell him to get fucked. The moment you guys breakup and he moves on to a woman with standards, he will get a job and start paying bills.
He need to make an massive effort to not watch porn or half hard girls on the internet it’s killing your marriage. Tell him how you feel when he looks at that stuff and if he doesn’t care or doesn’t think it’s a problem then either you need a couples therapist or it’s a dead marriage and you should head for the exit.
Hey! This is it. 25 is the point where people hit their brain development and they take a big step into maturity. Please take that step and lean completely into waking up and assessing yourself.
People that stagnate here usually end up with small little lives living in miserable relationships bc they don’t grab onto that self awareness and push their maturity.
You know he’s a much older man being verbally abusive and ruined his family. You know the good doesn’t outweigh abuse.
But I’ll help you visualize it a bit. Imagine you have a child and he treats her the same way he’s treating you? Or his kids for that matter (and no, being nice to his kids while blowing up their family isn’t healthy or good parenting).
You have to think this through for yourself. Do yourself a favor and take a break from him to think hard on your situation.
I promise you that you can find a really great person whose ‘bad days’ never contain this sort of abuse.
He hits me, stabs me but I love him so I stay. Death wish much?
Read this book: Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
You’re under so much stress. Of course sex has gone to the end of the list.
I haven’t been in your shoes, but some years ago, my son was in the ICU for 6 weeks. He nearly died, and was still very sick for another 8 or so months after he came home. My husband & I went from sex 4-5 times a week to not sleeping in the same bed for the 6 weeks our son was hospitalized, to having months of being too stressed & vigilant for sex. We eventually rekindled our sex life, but it took us years – years!- to get our groove back.
But we did reconnect physically, and it remains a reflection of our connection.
So, I know that your situation is more difficult (I cared for my father when he was diagnosed with glioblastoma), but there is hope!
Not just bait, but he wants to pimp her to these guys just to get them into bed. They get to sexually violate his girlfriend anyway they like then he gets to do, or be done by them.
He’s not your friend. Block him.
But if you feel good about it, why would you feel jealous?
I don’t even know what I should say to her
“I saw that dress. don't wear it or you won't be allowed in
Yeah, when you put it that way. I wouldn’t even be friends with someone who is friends with a NAZI. Even if they say they aren’t one themselves
Could it be possible your wife isn't happy with this situation at all and that's her real reason behind the lie? Is is possible she's mistreating your eldest child behind your back and that's why he intervened saying he doesn't care? Could it be she hates that you have a child with another women and she didn't birth your first born?
She says she lied because she's concerned with how it looks. But you didn't abandon your child, you didn't know he exists. Technology has advanced quickly. Most people would understand how impossible it would have been to find the father of your kid 15 years ago and then suddenly how easy it was 5 years ago. Sure, your situation is most men's worst nightmare, unknowingly having fathered a child. But that's the worst that can be said. Especially as now you know you're incredibly involved.
So once he lost interest, you finally started to crave his attention again. It doesn’t sound you’ve emotionally matured, it just sounds like you’re jealous and lost someone who now knows better.
Thank you. I'm going to talk to him about this.
This is just people who suck at story telling. Anyone who can’t give you the gist of the conversation and then get to the punchline isn’t telling a story, they’re just regurgitating their experiences.
Leverage in case he ever tried getting with OP later I assume. This hole thing sounds like a jerry springer plot.
it already did come bite me! the same thing happened to me with my ex, and that’s why i don’t understand why he’d keep doing it knowing what happened last time it came out.
Also make sure to get tested in three months – not everything shows up immediately.
That said – it sounds like maybe you don’t want to break up? Only you can know what you want to do, but it’s okay (this sub will downvote me to hell, but it IS okay) to give someone a second chance if you love them. You’re risking your heart and maybe your health, but only you know what you can live! with. Plenty of people do forgive cheating. Plenty of people break up over it. Only you can make the decision based on your feelings about what you want to do. I’m assuming you came to this sub to help you get the courage to break up since you can’t really have expected any other advice here, but you don’t have to follow that advice if you really don’t want to. It’s your call.
I would read into the different types of mortgages. There are pros and cons to first time home buyer mortgage and also buying single vs married; not saying it is bad, I would explore all mortgage options and see what works best for you, if YOU want to buy a house. I believe if you do first time home buyer you’re not allowed to rent it out for profit for some time or something and only to be used as primary residency, I would check into that. It sounds like he’s presenting this whole situation that will best suite his wants and needs financially. Do you want to own a house? There are pros to not being on the deed (if you break up you’re not stuck with the house but also you won’t be able to receive any equity on profits if you sell). Not saying you will, but he sounds like he’s direct and wants to control the outcome to his favor; not saying this will but may lead to issues down the road since you legally have no say in the property as you will just be a tenant. Your name will legally not be on the mortgage OR the deed, everything will in his name and he will take the equity and credit benefit, you would be a glorified tenant in the eyes of the law. The way he presented this IMO he sounds controlling and wants this all to work out to his benefit and pushing you down a path that he wants you to in regards to buying for his benefit. But at the end of the day, is this what you want to do? Is something such as home buying and even marriage important to you? (I mention marriage since he says he wants you to buy a property single to benefit from first time home buyer). IMO, my gut doesn’t sound like this is a good idea either, it sounds sketchy and he’s not taking in all the factors of what home buying and renting is. Home buying in general is A LOT. Renting out to tenants can be hard work and also take in the cost of how much you’ll be purchasing and take away from renting. I would reach out to a realtor and speak with them to maybe gauge their input, but as someone who went through home buying and selling as a single person (I bought under a conventional loan and when I sold my realtor explained the differences between them all when I was selling), it’s not sunshine and rainbows as your boyfriend makes it seem to be unless he has a bunch of cash on hand. Long story short, no, you will not be signing anything on the deed or mortgage, how much you would owe would be between you and your boyfriend (but based on reading it again I highly advise against this idea).
Yeah I feel like everyone is glossing over the emoji. That right there was a leap over the line he otherwise had toed.
See and this is the problem with society primarily western culture, not being ok with something somehow translates into “insecurity” and being ok with something even if it is absolutely ridiculous so how means you're “secure”.
I think you already know what people are going to say. He's got 2 women pregnant already and he left them. Do you want to be the third? If not then leave. He sounds very materialistic talking about how much money he has, etc. Who gets jealous of a dog? If he's jealous with a dog imagine if you have a guy friend or go out with your girl friends. He sounds like a nightmare. He doesn't like horror movies either this guy is just insane. Who doesn't like horror movies? Lol Great, he's good in bed and has a big package. Nothing else seems good about him. Go get a dildo that big of you miss that about him. You can find someone who is funny, loves horror movies, loves dogs and doesn't get jealous and won't leave you if you happen to get pregnant. I wish you luck with whatever you decide. The red flags are way more important than how good he is in the sack.
So did he cheat on you with her or why the hell did he go over to her?
But I don’t have this doubts lol she does
I was with a guy who felt less than because I slept with more people than him. When we took a break after being with him for three years, he specifically brought this up and how he wanted to me not to sleep around while he experimented with what he wanted. Low and be hold about three months into the break after I had rearranged my life and decided I didn’t want to be with someone who considered my body belonging to him and quitting birth control and feeling happy in my body for the first time in years and gained back the weight I loss from stress from him, he called me and gifted me a book I had on my amazon wish list for our entire relationship asking me to take him back.
I said no and now I’m happy with someone who asks me if he can kiss me because I told him I didn’t liked be touched without warning the first time he slept over.
What I’m saying is you need to do right to yourself because there is someone out there who actually loves you and not the idea of you or the idea of a girlfriend. Bestie, do yourself a solid and break it off with him. Any man who doesn’t hold you and tell you that you’re choices and regrets don’t define you and validate that remorse and want to make you happy starting now and forever isn’t worth your time.
Message the woman??
Say” hi I'm (his name) wife, just seen you tagged my husband in post, I have nothing against you, its just I find it odd he never mentioned you or going with you? And I'd like to know the nature of your relationship as I feel very uncomfortable after being lied to”
Then ask him when he home as well.
” why didn't you tell me you was with (girls name) ”
See what he says… either way spins it he lied.. he has a history with this woman and now gone out with her without talking to you about it.
Once he trys lying to you… call his bluff and question everything say ” are you sure because I've messaged (her name) so you better start telling me the truth”
I could be wrong and he just a lying moron or he could be sleeping with her… either way message her on fb and find out.
Communicate
this is now how you want to feel in a relationship. you have your whole life ahead of you spend it with someone who adds to your life not takes away
Thanks for your reply, yes her father figure bought them for her before they grew distant so they have importance to her. I like the idea of buying her an upgraded version, but it’s still more the sentimental value of them. I used her phone to use find my iPhone to try find the location of them, but it said that they were at her house, when I know I used them at my work.
Ok if I were you I’d carefully observe the texts, photos, etc. for the next couple of weeks, stall his social media, and randomly ask questions about the neighbor in a nonchalant way to see if I could catch him off-guard. You still don’t know if he is really doing smth behind your back or not, so don’t beat yourself up, but be careful.