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And another one for Immature and/or Insecure asshole lottery
Fr to me Reading a romance novel that happens to have smut is the same as watching a movie or show that has a scene of nudity or sex
Only difference is one is visual and the writer has to compensate for it not being visual so they get into a corner of either skipping the skipping the scene or describing it to a similar extent
Just tell him that you were worried about it being too soon when you give it to him. Just in a matter of fact way, not apologetically. You might agree to only wear them on dates or something if he balks. If you’re not okay with a little bit of rejection don’t take this path.
I definitely feel more comfortable saying something like this in the moment, but I know if I do then our other coworkers will hear and it’ll be awkward long-term. I was kind of hoping to try to just flinch away next time and hope he gets the message without making everyone uncomfortable…but I know that that’s just wishful thinking.
Thank you for your advice 🙂
I've constantly asked him and he said he's just tired and comfortable. He admitted that because he can have sex anytime now, he doesn't have as strong of an urge. But yes, I know I should focus on me and what makes me feel good
How often do you do r,p,s with your SO? It’s a common game, but how often is it played in your circle or at work. It can still be a thing in a relationship.
Sure, it can be a thing in a relationship, but that has to be discussed, not assumed. The mere fact that they play rap does not make it special unless they agree that it is. I personally don't play rsp with coworkers or friends that often, but we do occasionally. It's not uncommon to do bc most ppl think nothing of playing it and don't assign any special meaning to it.
Even a thumbs up is common but if it’s a thing they do then, it’s their thing.
Just bc they do it doesn't make it “their thing.” If they say goodbeye to each other, would that suddenly be their thing that they can't do with anyone else? Again, these things have to be discussed. You can't just say “oh, we do this, so it's our thing and our thing only” when talking about a common activity. For all she knew, he did it with previous gf. If it was special to her, she should have told him so.
She also hasn’t noticed him playing that game with anyone else. That’s something she should have picked up in the 4 years they were together.
Unless he never spends time alone with his friends, then it's entirely possible she's never seen him to it. It's not like it's something you're gonna do every time you see your friends-you only play rsp when you're deciding who's gonna do something.
But always notice a change in behavior and behavior patterns. That’s how you don’t get blindsided.
I don't know why you're trying so desperately to interpret some insidious meaning into this. It's not like Who Framed Roger Rabbit where patty cake is a metaphor for something else. There's literally nothing romantic or sexual about playing rock paper scissors, otherwise same sex friends, family, and little kids eouldn't play it. It's a totally innocent three second game that pretty much everyone has done at some point in their lives. OP's husband had no idea that she placed special meaning on the game, so of course he's not going to see any problem in playing it with other ppl.
If he emotionally cheated on you because of his ego, he is not willing to go “through miles” for you. Check your facts, acknowledge his gaslighting, dump him, and find someone better.
I've had similar messages saying they have videos of me having a fun time in front of a laptop (never happened, not once ever) and saying they are going to send all the videos to my mum.
I less ouija boards have pictures available now I don't think they will get very far!
Most likely a scam.
Well I was talking about this dude, that’s how Reddit works.
That’s a major incompatibility and also speaks volumes about his conflict resolution skills and flexibility. None of us know what life will bring and vowing that you will never ever leave the city you happen to live in now is irresponsible at best.
Under no circumstance don’t make him have to pick between you guys. More than likely, his friends will win. He’s known them for 15 years and only you for the time period you’ve been dating. Keep being a great girlfriend like you’ve been and keep it short with his friends. Try making your own friends in the area so you’re not forced to be around them all the time.
This comment is underrated! Spot on.
I’ve had partners that were 8 or 9 (literally influencers and models, I live in nyc) but I would take a 6 with a shared sense of humor or similar passions/hobbies over them. In fact, I did. And I still miss her.
You don't “fix” him you leave him. This is abuse.
Jumping from relationship to relationship is a bad idea. Leave the one you’re in because she deserves someone who wouldn’t leave her because they can’t handle temptation. But then take some time to learn and grow to be a better person, otherwise this new girl is just gonna end up with a dude who will get bored and toss her aside.
Go alone or with a friend and take a serious look at this relationship. What the heck is going on with your boyfriend and do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life?
I was being facetious. I absolutely do not believe this lol. Sorry. I should been more clear.
I’m with your husband on this 100%. The bad boy rep doesn’t apply here. If someone slapped me my husband would be doing the same thing and he is so far from a bad boy rep. He probably is afraid if you go back to your home country that they won’t let you leave. If he goes he maybe attacked by a group of your family. You married your husband and so he comes first. Just like you come first to him. If you want your family in your life then they need to be willing to compromise. Could you meet them in a neutral location? Somewhere like a vacation together. Where you could each go back to separate hotel rooms if needed. Meet in public places.
Thank you. The commitment issue is the only red flag, he is perfect in every other way and the best person I have ever met in my life.
Thanks for your concern! I agree that a lot of the time, wealthy people waste their time with inefficient charities, but in my case, volunteering would be a lot less efficient in terms of lives saved. I'm personal friends with the founder of an effective-altruism group that handles all of my donations, and I know for a fact, having seen the receipts, that the massive majority of my money goes into malaria nets(or other similarly high-EV investments.). My hourly rate for work or freelancing means I save ~1 life per 2.3 hours worked, given my current rate of donation.
Unfortunately, that means that I can't really justify volunteering. I spent a lot more time doing it when I was in college and my earning potential was lower, but these days it's just not as valuable as working for an equivalent amount of time. I've also put some of my donations in the past into local operations that pay for people to work in similar positions(spending 1 hour in a soup kitchen is not as effective than working for 1 hour so I can pay 3 high schoolers to work in a soup kitchen for the same amount of time, haha)
You are probably right about compromising, which really sucks. I love my girlfriend, but ultimately, I can't justify letting people die so I can be with her when I could easily save their lives by continuing my current habits. I'm going to call her and break up with her tonight.
The longer you keep this up, the longer you’re going to be hung up on this guy
You date someone your own age.
Yeah, as I’ve said in other replies, this situation probably has a lot to unpack. I’m definitely not trying to take one side or the other, just sharing my own experience.
Yeah ok buddy. Maybe you should write a book. This is fiction
Solid advice in this thread but whatever you do DON'T have sex with her.
At this time it's pure entertainment, I did what I wanted to do, and now I have time and I am actually getting entertained by these people who act so high and mighty ?
If he blocks her right away, he will not get her texts. Or will text still be delivered!
Divorce now while you still have a chance to start a new family and have bio kids who will love and appreciate the work you put in to make their lives great.
WHAT? You didn't include that info in the post – so he really was keeping you prisoner around the clock! Good job on getting away from him, and don't ever unblock him or consider taking him back!
Don't stop using condoms until you are with your life partner!
Don’t do it, you should experience being on your own more. You seem to be enjoying it and it sounds like you might have to support your boyfriend if he moves in. Let him know that he has to save up and perhaps you can revisit the issue in a year or so. If he is willing to break up with you over this than it was probably already doomed
I think he took you for granted. First he spend days texting you and writing a huge apology, and then he decided to disappear for three days. Address everything you want and need, but don’t get your hopes up in my opinion. He sounds like a guy who says things just to end an argument, but won’t stick with it as soon as the tensions have settled.
I guess morning sex is out of the question
Just stop. Youre worried about accommodating someone who has zero responsibilities. You do what makes you happiest and most ready for work which is what provides for the family. She can go back to sleep. Or get a job. Or just fuck off.
You behave on brand for a 20 year old.
I just ended it on my own accord. I’m incredibly sad and hurt, but reading through these comments made me realize she has shown her true character for 4 years. I don’t think she will change and there are just too many good people out there who will appreciate me for me to continue down this struggle.
It's fairly common across cultures.
She's another level of icky. This is not normal at all, her whole perception on this topic is faulty, i don't think you can fix her anymore. Run.
Your opinion is bieased in your favor.
You didn't come here for opinions.
You came here for validation.
The same reason you volunteer, you don't give a shit about helping people.
“After a few more dates, I decided to cut it off with the other guys”.
Don’t go on dates while sleeping with other people. It’s gross.
I met my wife on Tinder and we had a very fun night together when we first met. She asked me to choke her during sex and I did, because she asked for it. I’d never done it before, but I went for it and she enjoyed it.
Some months later, we’re still together, and she’s on top of me, making out. She slaps me. Nude enough to hurt a little and totally out of the blue. She got caught up in the moment and did it. I didn’t ask for it, but also didn’t mind it at all.
I’ve never choked her (or put a hand on her) in any sort of argument. She’s never hit me out of anger. We’ve been together for 8 years, married for 6.
Keep your eyes peeled for other red flags, but sometimes people get a little more excited during sex/foreplay/sex adjacent acts than they would otherwise and it might just be that. Ultimately, though, if you don’t like it then you let him know now and he better listen.
Girls like a guy that’s bold, confident, and plans ahead. Make a specific plan for a date and invite her to come
Why would you even want to be with a man who does not respect your right to your body?
I understand the preference for natural boobs, but 1) he didn't even know they weren't, and 2) his reaction is so disrespectful. He never should have made you feel bad, given you a strong reaction, or tell you they're unattractive. If it's a dealbreaker for him, that's ridiculous but fine. But to stay with you and treat you badly is not fine.
Literally gasped when I read that, so loudly that my husband, whose desk is in another room, heard me and asked if I’m okay.
He says to yeet this asshole into a volcano. I agree.
A lot of companies lie about stuff like that so because it says empirical evidence on the box doesn’t necessarily mean that. Be careful, because not all manufacturers or developers are honest and factual, even though they say it.
No, not splitting finances. I fully support that. It’s more your reason for splitting finances that’s the problem. Rather than ya know “so we can both be independent,” it’s “in case we get divorced in a couple of years.”
I encourage you to be brave and try leaving him.
Leave him now!
Oh OP, you do have a big boob. Just one and it's 25 yo.
So the him showing your sister's pic off as his gf isn't a deal breaker? I need! To hear your rational?!.
Your boyfriend and his friends suck, I would have been mortified too. If he was a grown up he would have guarded the door while you were in there, not join in with the others humiliating you. Then he didn't even have any sympathy when he knew you were upset, what a dick.
Leave this borderline. Look it up and see if it fits. You moved fast, she's talking to her exes. Breaking up multiple times. Little things causing fights. LEAVE
Yeah, it definitely helps to have a partner who can recognize when they’re being defensive because that’s a big part of the problem a lot of the time – them denying their defensiveness! Best of luck, I hope you guys can figure it out.
And since the kids are older now, if going before a judge, after a certain age in some places they have a bit of a say so don’t they? In my state, if your child is 10 they can decide what parent their residence is with. Even if they don’t they are about to go into high school so probably around 14? Hopefully they know their background. They understand who has raised them. I hope the best for this family. I can’t imagine being that age and being forced to be with someone I haven’t known my whole life. Definitely lawyer up OP. And trust your kids too. Let them have a voice as well.
What makes you call OP volatile? because she stayed the night with her childhood friend and apologised afterwards?
If you've been sleeping with a woman, you shouldn't be surprised when she turns round and says she's pregnant. The ex just said the baby must have been fathered by someone else even though there wasn't anyone else. He didn't ask for proof the baby was his or say that he'd step up if it were his. He assumed she'd have an abortion, he could have helped out with that but didn't.
OP could maybe have tried to have another convo with him, but given that he'd been nasty and controlling, I honestly can't blame her. I only wonder why she kept the kids, but it's not like it's something to blame her for.
Birth control is supposed to ‘mess up fertility’. You use it to stop getting pregnant. What did you think it was for?
Yeah we've tried a few. Appreciate your feed back! We will keep looking together.
It's honestly nude reading some comments, people are saying I'm a horrible piece of shit and that I should get snipped, what happened to reddit everyone is so mean.
So reading a genuine comment that's actually trying to help is nice to see.
If he wants to fix this he has to go work on his self and start reconnecting to you. If he’s not doing that, then there’s little hope. You can’t fix this or him. If you aren’t feeling any effort from him, then that’s likely what’s adding to your feelings of it being over.
I'm 28 years old now, and I promise you, if I had made the decision that affected my future career and happiness, all for the love of a boy, I would DEEPLY regret it.
When I was 18, my boyfriend tried to manipulate me from going to college at all because I would move further away and not have as much time for him.
Now, I have my dream job and just moved in with an amazing, significant other who always supports my dreams. All because I followed my gut. Don't do anything you'll end up regretting.
I'm sure his wife wouldn't have had this kid live in her home without a DNA test. That was probably the first thing she had him reply with
Put her in the strange category due to the Clorox wipes and tragedy averted.
uhhh are you sure he isn’t switching the roles of abuser and victim? look up DARVO
Leave her alone, dude. She doesn’t need a list in her life. And maybe you should spend your birthday alone thinking about why you’re alone.
Talk about it with a therapist if you need to (especially if it might help you words thing better), but definitely tell him.
You don't want this to come out and ruin your relationship later.
If it does ruin your relationship now, it's better than in 5 or 10 years with maybe a marriage and children to deal with.
she’s quaffling with the relationship since it seems like she won’t leave on her own, but she snitched on herself by saying what she said.
yeah, she’s already checked out of this relationship but doesn’t want to be the one to leave, so OP might as well leave and explain exactly why to anyone who asks bc she will say that he’s “insecure.”
Only you know what you should do, but if you're expecting him or this situation to change and that's what you're basing a decision on then that's silly. His mom depends on him and that's obviously an important part of their dynamic. Is this a deal breaker for you?
You guys obviously wanna fuck so why not ruin all of your relationships by doing so? Cut it out, moron.
Guy thinks he’s Leonardo DiCaprio
I wouldn’t want to break up with her because of this because I love her too much to do that but I just want to help her open up to other things that would be beneficial for the both of us,(oral,etc.)
I am a woman and one of my female friends also calls me “my love” (it’s also my husband’s nickname for me as well!). So it is definitely not beyond the pale for platonic friendship terms of endearment.
Yep. Filed that under ‘a million variations’ cuz there are way too many to list out. That is a fairly common one though, maybe more common than waiting for the spouse to utilize the hall pass before fucking whoever they had in mind.
Thank you, this was helpful ?
You stop him stealing from you by stopping being anywhere near him. His stealing is not “out of character”. This is his character and anything else he’s made you believe about him was merely acting in order to get access to his personal ATM, which is how he sees you and whoever he’s conned into being his “best friend”.
I hope you changed your lock after he stole your key. If not you need to do that.
I’m very sorry but there is no good future in this relationship. He’s a thief and a conman.
First time too was an affair or a ONS ? what assurances she gave after first time ? Or u just wanted reconciliation anyhow ?
My buddy keeps telling me if you focus too much on the future you’ll give yourself anxiety if you focus too much on the past or give yourself depression I feel like I’ve seen my fiancé change a lot and I’ve been blinded by hate and saw it too late that she was changing and feel like she deserves a second chance she’s telling me she would be willing to be in my kids life and I guess I’m scared of being alone
Some will, some won’t. But you can’t go back in time, so the best thing you can do is move forward. A man who is worthy of you won’t care.
Thank you, I appreciate more detail – though, respectfully, I think that you are focusing on a part of the post that I was not focused on… perhaps I should reupload it and remove that part. I feel like your opinion about the non-monogamous idea is clear, but not necessarily on the situation itself and what you would do (not that it is easy to have opinions like that on a stranger's post). I wanted to be crystal clear that, to be honest, the non-monogamous thought came more as a crutch or middle ground option from conversations we've had previously and probably just from my own difficulty in conceptualizing just ending a 6.5 year relationship suddenly. I'm not really suggesting that it's my preferred method and I take what you say seriously – but the fundamental conflict I was having was moreso with the break up or not question, with the “break” being a perhaps flawed or misconceived middle option.
Basically, I completely get what you're saying about the open part being a terrible idea especially given her mental health – I'm just more interested in people's thoughts about this situation itself and the binary decision between breaking up or not. The difficulty I'm having is I DO love this person and appreciate this person almost in the way that I would a family member at this point. And obviously any relationship can theoretically improve with enough work. The difficulty I'm having is the trend of the relationship, the growing apart, my “losing time” angst, etc.
Obviously it's been easy for me to stay in a relationship, I've been in one since being 21. It's clear to me how to work on a relationship and push each other to seek therapy and help – this has been the strategy for about 4 years now. I'm trying to conceptualize if this situation is a sign that I should consider ending it, despite the fact that it could theoretically improve – or what would be a sign that I should do it.
What I worry about is ignoring these mixed feelings, having this get worse, and then wasting more of each other's time ultimately.
How about you cite your sources for once?
“you know it”
On god, you're actually stupid. If you don't ask you're MAKING YOUR CHOICE. The choice being you don't care.
Being, FUCKING RECKLESS and then blaming everyone else around you is your fucking fault.
Guess what I do during flu season, ask everyone if they have the flu before hugging or shaking hands. Cause I'm responsible and not a cry baby. ?
You're being completely reckless, expecting people to read your mind, that such a small risk is a big deal to you and then getting mad at them.
Pathetic. ??♀️
Just…make your plan and go. A lot can happen in a year. It’s pretty uncommon to end up with the person you dated as a teen/early 20 something. So enjoy what you have now, make your plans, and cross the bridge when you have to.
At this stage in your life, you need to prioritize your career and needs.
Probably your divorce snapped him into working on his self. Age could be a factor as well, How old were you when you were dating?
Be careful with it. He may have offered you the employment opportunity as a way to get a foot in the door romantically. I'm not implying it wasn't out of your own merits for the job – just watch out. It wouldn't be the first time.
Yeah in that situation it would be nude to feel like more than just the next one in line.
Tough
Lots to unpack here but let me start with the obvious:
You and you alone need to make the decision about continuing or terminating the pregnancy. This is your decision, not his. You've tried to talk to him about it and he brushes you off. If you continue this pregnancy, don't expect him to step up as a partner or a parent. Have a plan in place to do this on your own or with the support of your family. He will probably pull a disappearing act if you choose not to terminate and that should tell you something about him. Obviously, the courts exist for him to support his child financially. Don't be upset that he didn't tell his family about it. Why cause unnecessary drama if he thought you were going to terminate. There's no reason to tell someone if you're not continuing the pregnancy. The last thing you need is more people weighing in on YOUR decision.
Prenups are not as ironclad and bulletproof as people assume in the states. It’s a good document, but at the end of the day, the judge decides. Family court judges in the states do not have to follow precedent or case law in many states, and have broad power to determine. Prenups that are deemed unfair are not enforceable. When a single person is the arbiter of that process, you might not actually leave work what you expected.
I’ll never be violent with them as long as they fucking listen to me. Why does nobody ever fucking listen? I blame millennial entitlement
Well, i think something like what i do when he’s upset, I listen sympathize say something to uplift his mood, and try to calm him down. If he was in my same situation I would’ve offered to help with my laptop. I don’t know at least not make my day worse? I’m honestly so confused, i know what happened and i know that I deserve better and that I wouldn’t treat him like that but i feel guilty and i catch myself making excuses for him or saying it wasn’t that bad and I shouldn’t have been mad at him and should’ve let it go.
then what happens when these dogs die and he gets puppies?
Why would you marry him? Part of the definition of spouse is “helpmate”, and he’s been very clear that he has no intention of helping you with anything. Ever. His passive-aggressive excuse is that you’re meant to be “independent.” Guess what? Marriage is about interdependence. Interestingly, he’s more than happy to take advantage of YOUR help. Marrying him will be a lonely life made worse by not actually being alone.
Oh baby let's make up.
What an absolute piece of shit. Like… dude, I can’t even imagine wanting to do that to another guy. You have to be a total scumbag to move on another man’s wife. But there’s an even greater leap from that to mocking the guy. Total POS.
Thanks for a the reminder of ‘don’t make friends at work’
Actually scratch that, making friends at work is fine, stirring up friendship drama with coworkers is not
Exactly
Age gaps aren’t inherently a terrible thing, but in my opinion only in very specific scenarios is it okay.
I say this as someone who was 19 and my husband was 25 when we got together. This is a grey area imo, as
1- we were at similar times of our life in that we were both studying still, he took a long time off due to illness and then working to support his parents,
2- I knew he didn’t have a history of dating younger women, all his previous partners were around his age. We became friends first through mutual work friends and it grew to become a relationship. (I was over 18 the entire time we were friends)
2- he was aware of the power imbalance that can come in age gap relationships and left every decision up to me in terms of how fast we moved and made sure never used this power to sway me to do things I didn’t want to do.
3- he was accepting that whilst he was over his clubbing / drinking / partying stage I wasn’t, and was understanding and trusted me that I still wanted to go out with my friends and enjoy my youth (without being with other people of course)
We are now married and have been together 14 years, still going as strong as ever and I can’t wait to share the rest of my life with my best friend. Making the decision to give him a chance is the absolute best decision I’ve ever made and I hate to think that I may have missed out on such happiness and love because I was afraid of what others may think.
He got a tiny bit of jokey criticism in the beginning but trust me the older you both get the less anyone will care, but at the end of the day, do what makes you both happy because it’s your lives.
Tes, her
If she can't bring herself to say the necessary words to end this, then yes you should do it for her. You've spent the most pivotal years of self discovery tied down in a relationship so it's only to be expected that one/both of you would want to go explore the world a little.
Did I say something that implied I was trying to change her? Some other people have said a similar thing and I'm a bit confused by it.
“I didn't plan for this to happen” is a lousy excuse. While it allows you to deceive yourself into thinking what you did “wasn't so bad”, you shouldn't be surprised that it carries ZERO weight with your partner. It's no different than going to a bar, getting drunk, and cheating with some random person.
Your BF expressed his concerns, I suspect for this reason. You ignored his concerns. You then betrayed his trust. You admit that if roles were reversed, you'd have a problem.
Drop the excuses. Own your MANY bad choices (they're not mistakes – they're choices). Learn from this, and don't repeat it.
You're not an idiot or insane, you're someone who was targeted by a much older man who is promising you huge things when you don't even know his friends. Why would he marry you if he's not even comfortable being seen with you? What he is doing is love bombing you while hiding your existence away from other people he knows, probably because he is rightfully afraid of being judged for the age gap here. He may also have a history of being abusive or dating inappropriately young women that his friends know about, and he doesn't want you learning about it from them. Maybe his friends are also super unappealing, and he doesn't want you privy to the sort of company he keeps. There is nothing wrong with you, and your desire to meet your partners friends and family is 1000% normal and wise.
Get a better boyfriend. It’s a massive lack of respect for woman and humans in general. Is that something you find attractive in a partner?
Unless you’re a qualified psychiatrist or psychologist and they are paying you for therapy, then I suggest you start distancing yourself.
This is not a friendship.
Omg. How do you expect to ever get into a relationship if you can'r even expressand enforce boundaries with a friend? Tell her she's being fucking inappropriate and that she needs to clean herself up or else you're gonna cut her vacay short and kick her out. And then KICK HER OUT if she keeps disrespecting you. I also can't believe you were considering sleeping with her to make things “less awkward”. What?!?!?