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That would be preferable to me if it’s that and not her being suss
Good for you.
Tell him to quit being such an insecure pussy
Not when both parents hate each other. And OP clearly doesn't plan on staying married or on good terms with the mother.
Having two parents doesn't make them better off if they aren't on the same page about raising the child or even like each other. You're just setting that child up for a shitty home life and a bad example of what partnership is.
Please explain to me how that joke is funny.
Then go watch Jigsaw by Daniel Sloss on Netflix. He tells actually funny jokes about relationships.
Because my wife's sexual past is none of my business, nor do I want to think about her with other dudes.
It's really that simple.
You singlehandedly destroyed the relationship. He specifically told you no. Next time, listen to your partner and respect their boundaries.
No, just end it with your current girlfriend. My theory is that she's not really deranged as people are saying, she just wants to warp YOUR reality. She wants to put you at disadvantage artificially so you are forced to “make it up to her” and she creates an artificial confusing scene to… confuse you. And then control you… confused people are easier to control. This is purely control issues. Therapy doesn't fix controlling/abusive people because they do this on purpose and no, they never ever change. They only escalate, until your life is not yours anymore. RUN.
What a POS.
Don't rush into marrying a person, stay with them for at least a couple years first, regardless of your age.
It's good that you are looking into therapy, that is basically your answer to your issues. A good therapist will be able to help you work through your past trauma.
It’ll hurt her worse if she finds out later. I’d tell her the truth emphasizing that the person just gave you oral sex. Be as gentle as possible and let her know you’re telling her cause you don’t want to lie or hide it since she asked about it.
You can still get STD’s from oral sex. You should absolutely disclose this, and go get tested!
A 19 year old can still decide what substances they’d like to consume or place in their body. You’re infantilizing her. Pregnancy is ALWAYS a risk of having sex even with protection.
OP, this was not cheating in any way and I hope you know that now. All the comments saying you were sexual assaulted are 100% accurate. Please tell your gf and get her “friend” out of that place ASAP.
OP, this was not cheating in any way and I hope you know that now. All the comments saying you were sexual assaulted are 100% accurate. Please tell your gf and get her “friend” out of that place ASAP.
But they are born with the neurological wiring required for a personality disorder.
My guess is he thinks he is right on the verge of being discovered, and he is trying to mitigate the damage by trickle truthing something small that you might forgive him while trying to hide the bigger thing.
If you develop a crush while in a relationship the sane thing to do is to take a step back with said crush: seeing them mess often, never in ambiguous situations.
The fact that she told you about it is good news, but she needs to understand how it will affect you and the relationship. Usually easy to convey through empathy “babe, if you were in my shoes and I told you I had a crush on a girl, how would you feel if I was to maintain a close relationship with her?”
Bang him real good and tell him there'll be lots more at the vacation home.
This will give her a chance to cover her tracks. The thing with liars is……they lie. And hide things. Asking a liar to be honest makes no sense.
Share with her your concerns about her level of independence, mention her frequent spells of “anxiety,” and get her into therapy. She needs to know you are not dumping her, but she will have to take more charge of her own life.
We've been snapping for like 2 weeks constantly. She seemed genuinely interested as she kept on asking me questions and flirted a bit. But now she just went cold on me
This isn’t a you problem. It’s a him problem. This is also where more maturity will help- You will learn over the years that you can’t make someone treat you better by asking differently, or showing more patience or grace. It’s not your fault if someone treats you badly. You’re not asking for kindness wrong. They just suck.
I came out and she was asleep completely very hot on the couch.
This reminds me of my co-worker that used to cheat on his wife, he was always paranoid his clothes would smell like other women so he'd either hide em or change completely…
This is a fawning defense response OP- you feel making your attacker happy with you that they will stop or reduce their violence. You will not protect yourself from this person by appeasing and avoiding them. They assaulted you and on-line with you.
How are you so dense that you cannot understand that you’re the source of her insecurities?
Eh, I think bringing up a person a partner doesn’t like is even more normal.
Like “oh my god that idiot Jake was at wedding! He’s still (x character trait). Made small talk to be polite but can you believe (desirable company) gave a dude like him a job?”
What??? LOTS of people!
Not necessarily. If the next gf doesn't cheat on him it might be fine.
Did you tell him that you’d prefer if he wasn’t a dick?
wait sorry, he has until feb 2024?? why so long?????
You could not pay me enough to date another emotionally dysregulated man. This guy will make a scene loudly about everything in public and never take any accountability for his own actions. Whatever he does in retaliation will be justified because “they started it”. This is a guy who wants to be on the board of the HOA. Not a fun, cool, introspective, mature man who lets things go; a petty, small, nit-picking, grudge-holding road rage goblin. Don't minimize this window into his soul.
edited for spelling
I do not think it was thoughtless!!
I’ve said repeatedly that I understand how he landed on the decision he made but it just wasn’t what I expected. I only referred to a gift as thoughtless in a semantic argument with someone suggesting no one should have an opinion on their engagement ring and just be grateful for whatever they get, thoughtfully chosen or not.
I do not think it was thoughtless!!
I’ve said repeatedly that I understand how he landed on the decision he made but it just wasn’t what I expected. I only referred to a gift as thoughtless in a semantic argument with someone suggesting no one should have an opinion on their engagement ring and just be grateful for whatever they get, thoughtfully chosen or not.
I do not think it was thoughtless!!
I’ve said repeatedly that I understand how he landed on the decision he made but it just wasn’t what I expected. I only referred to a gift as thoughtless in a semantic argument with someone suggesting no one should have an opinion on their engagement ring and just be grateful for whatever they get, thoughtfully chosen or not.
Honestly, I think that you two are lacking communication in this area, which is why I think it's important to speak with him.
What I understand is that you say that the ring is objectively pretty, but it's not “your” ring. It doesn't really fit your style, so to speak. And you also think that your partner knows your style and the like. But even after just reading your answer, I – keep in mind that I don't know you – have the following thoughts when reading it:
I really don’t think I gave him an overwhelming amount of information […] I think because he told me he spent so much time deciding on the ring leading up to the proposal I didn’t expect it to be the “easy” choice and I guess I got my hopes up.
Do you know why he spend so much time deciding? We know he considered several rings and, in the end, went with the “easy” choice, though “easy” could be swapped to “safe”. This means that for him, the choice wasn't that easy after all, so I wonder: Are you sure that the information wasn't overwhelming? It may not have been overwhelming for you, but you are the expert when it comes to the topic.
On top of that, listening to someone about a topic for years does definitely make you more knowledgeable, but it doesn't make you an expert, especially if it's not “your” topic. My father absolutely loves soccer and he talks about it every single time I see him. Because of that, I have gathered a lot of knowledge about players and rules and who is doing well in the competition and who is not… but that doesn't mean that I'm an expert like him. What I like when he talks about soccer isn't the topic, it's that he is happy to have someone who is listening to him. But because it's not “my” topic, I simply don't remember things like him. I don't watch games, I don't look things up. That leads to me recognizing names and remembering facts, but I often can't place names correctly – simply because to me, these things don't matter as much and my brain can't remember them as much. If something isn't “my” topic, I simply would be a lot more lost than someone who is deep into the matter when presented with information. If I would listen to you explaining cuts and stones to me, I might be able to recognize the type of a stone, for example, but I don't think I could tell which one of two stones is the more valuable one when you might be able to do so at first glance.
Also consider that maybe, he might have associated “different” with “special”. You said diamonds are okay and you seem to otherwise have mostly other stones in your jewelry, so in a way, your ring now is standing out from the crowd.
What I want to say: We're all just speculating here. Maybe there is a lot more to his thought process. Maybe he was terrified of picking something wrong. Maybe he went for “safe”. Maybe he got a fact wrong and thought that all the diamonds have super-interesting cuts. The thing is: You don't know. Because you haven't talked to him yet, you and all of us are just assuming things about why he chose the ring.
If you feel so torn about talking to him and letting him know what you feel, maybe start by just asking him about the other choices since he brought them up before. Take a look at them. If they are all not to your taste, you might feel better with the ring you now have and you could then openly ask about his thought process and what information he might have misunderstood. If there are some awesome rings in the lineup, you can express how pretty they are and, again, ask why he picked diamonds over those. None of that immediately says “I would prefer a different ring”. It's just satisfying your curiosity – it's about gathering information to then make a more informed choice. Once you know what thought went into his choice, you might either appreciate your current ring more – or feel like speaking up more.
I'm sorry if I get anything wrong, by the way (like I thought you meant “anguish” literally). I am not a native speaker and in my country, the engagement ring is also a different ring than the wedding ring, only worn until the wedding, when the couple then gets matching rings. That doesn't seem to be the case in your country, so I might be totally off the mark with many things.
Lack of maturity here. Marriage is a serious commitment, and it seems both of you aren't ready for it and are making bad decisions. Fortunately, you still have a lot of time to on-line, grow, and mature.
It’s new to me!
I saw your update and I hope you will be able to heal from this and see all that you are worth.
The advice I would give you is to think how you would describe “what is a life partner” to a younger person or a child asking you. After that, can you still describe the person in your life right now as your “partner”? Does HE see you that way?
I was with older men for a lot of my past relations. They were more or less long relationship (few months to more than 10 years). It always ends up being a problem that comes in play in the relationship. Amongst other things.
Take care and be safe.
He’s not respecting other boundaries though
UpdateMe!
It sounds like one or both of you might be suffering from depression and exhaustion.
If you have health benefits that cover therapy it might be good to find someone you can talk to.
He's your friend. That's all.
I mean it's good that she feels so comfortable with you tho! And it seems like you guys have really different views and attitudes towards sex. That may be something to bring up to her, but just make sure not to criticize or belittle her view. Neither of you have a wrong view, just different. Also when I read about her mentioning your friend Mike alot, I got the impression that it was because she wants to be liked by your friend and is showing interest (maybe too much for your liking) in your life. Perhaps your discomfort with her talking freely about sex made you view the Mike situation with a bias? In any case, try communicating with her.
Probably he hesitated because he never considered this situation. Give importance to the answer and not the way he answered
OP doesn't seem to realise that even if there's no 'active' abuse/mistreatment from the wife, the daughter is still being emotionally damaged every day she has to on-line there. Imagine how confusing it'd be for that little girl to have a step mother who treats her like her own daughter, pours on love to her, treats her like a princess… Then suddenly that love stops. And you don't know why, so you start to blame yourself because what other explanation is there in a child's mind? Even if the wife ignores the daughter 100 % of the time, experiencing going from being loved to nothing would still be traumatic daily to the daughter. So add in that the wife doesn't just ignore her, she actively does things to show she's not welcome, just adds to the trauma and harm (that OP claims he's protected his daughter from)
Then add in the fact that the daughter has to watch her step mother be loving and caring towards the sons. So, it's not like the daughter could think that 'well, maybe step mum just isn't able to love anyone anymore', she would know that no, it's ONLY the daughter who is suddenly hated, none of the other kids. She has to watch her step brothers experience all the love and attention that she used to have, but doesn't get anymore. That in itself will 100% cause the daughter to come to the conclusion that it's somehow all her fault, and it's something about herself that caused the mother to stop loving her… Those kinds of self esteem and self worth issues will stay with her for life, potentially setting her up for ending up being preyed upon by abusive partners because accepting and blaming herself for abuse is what she was taught is normal as a child
Are you the one that refused to let his daughter have her own birthday party for turning 18? You wanted a joint party with your friends giving you a cake and singing happy birthday to you?
Is this national men getting mad at women for something that's not their fault day? It ain't that deep.
Shoot your shot. What is the worst that can happen? She says no?
Facebook is full of older people. The young'ns aren't really on there anymore.
The point was actually EXACTLY that it would intimidate her. He was demonstrating his point, which he didn’t need to do, as most adult women are well aware of the fact that men might abuse or threaten to abuse us. Kinda comes with the territory of aging. There was 0 reason to physically demonstrate that, he could’ve used his words.
Everything you described above is textbook emotional abuse. You ARE being abused.
sounds terrifyingly familiar…
I am able to see what it thinks I plagiarized and it's is an essay that was published a couple years ago. I never even touched that link before.
He said they haven’t even spoken as friends in the year we got together (2019) and he says the last time they spoke was before he knew me but she said she cannot remember and she can’t check chat as he blocked her
It's up to you at the end of the day but think if she says no you will ruin your friendship anyway, if she says yes you will ruin your friendship and his relationship with his mom further.
After the first paragraph why are you still with her? Calls the cops then an attorney and run with the kids!!! You AREN’T doing any favours staying here.
You were still single and not in a relationship with her. And I feel like sometimes things like that are better kept to yourself because you don't gain literally anything from it and might lose everything.
It's not ideal memory to have but you weren't cheating on her if you weren't in a relationship.
Forgive yourself and forget.
He's not a big fan of personal responsibility, is he? He's a man so he can't help being creepy and disrespectful and you are supposed to police him? Hot pass. Slide on out of this relationship.
You're not being unreasonable, because he agreed to it (regardless of how unreasonable it is or isn't).
He crossed your boundaries and lied to you. If you're willing to accept your boundaries being crossed and being lied to, then continue the relationship. If not, then now is the time to end it.
I wanna feel bad for your dad but I don’t! (Sorry) I’d skip moving back home with him, there’s gonna be two sad living with your step mom.
Not wanting to hear it, doesn’t change you needing to accept it.
It’s unfortunate you are in pain. He wasn’t a good guy.
This. This is the best advice so far.
Based on what you’ve said OP the scenario is giving major ick vibes. Enough for me to post and say as much. Please, do not proceed with this relationship.
You wouldn’t be dating with no happiness.
The problems define the relationship. Everything is perfect except for the problems.
You sound in complete denial about how important reliability is with those following statements. If is was so minor, you wouldn’t be posting.
You can’t have a healthy relationship without reliability.
Misunderstanding is grabbing the wrong pants from the closet or thinking an event is one day versus another.
It is not ‘mind if I watch another movie’ versus ‘have sex in our living room’.
I assume he can hold down a job and function in society? If so he and you both know he understood just fine. Don’t let him make you think he’s that dumb; he’s not.
For my own sanity I hope they are trolls. Otherwise we have a pandemic of teens in relationships with middle aged people.
Ha! This guy. Holy shit. 25 years old and he's figured out how to make it YOUR fault if he eyeballs other women. I bet he thinks he's a fucking genius.
OP. Please do not fall for this bullshit.
Well I don’t like FWB coz it feels like a relationship where I’ve basically just accepted they may be fucking others too. I’m usually just constantly worried about what happens when they leave. Coz I know they’re going to.
I wish I was trolling. I just started getting all of the symptoms
Yeah I think so too, she does seem to be the jealous type
Does he grocery shop, or do house chores while he's at home? Or, does that fall to you?
If he's not even getting groceries or cleaning, then I'd be upset, too. If he is, then at least he's being somewhat productive.
I'm working full-time and going to university full-time, I'm six classes away from graduating (bachelor in 2.5 years, by year-round classes). So, I understand your frustrations, but I also understand the desire to not rush into finding a job right after graduation. Hell, I'm already dreading the job hunt.
Suggest some food powder that eliminates odor and ask her to wash her feet. Be polite, obviously.
Son goes to daycare as we both work. She enjoys cooking so she will cook and I clean up after. Every night we clean up the house before bed, it’s never really messy
If anyone is toxic in the relationship, it's you and I'm sorry if you don't want to hear that. Being in a relationship with an addict is extremely emotionally taxing, and you want to help them as much as you can. Until you eventually realize that you staying is only enabling them and you can't bear to watch them slowly kill themselves.
I hope you find the help you need.
He is dragging you down and instead of enjoying the benefits of your hot work, is making you feel bad for bettering BOTH of your lives. His ego is bigger than your marriage. He didn’t take you seriously and is shocked that you proved him wrong by doing the things you always told him you wanted to do. If you’re not doing couple’s therapy, I would require him to get some individual counseling to deal with his insecurities.
How her vagina doesn’t shrivel up and die at the sight of him is one of life’s biggest mysteries
This dude has no care for the woman. Only for himself lll. What a loser.
That was just the best excuse he could think of in the moment.
So, this was 1.5 months in your relationship and actually after the two weeks the firdt time you see her again and even she should know that you are social adept, she pressured you to met your friends, something you didn’t want to do.
You both are still a new pair, especially since you have nearly no contact in rl. And she put all the blame on you for a situation she forced herself into. Sure, you didn’t include her into the conversation, but she also didn't try to include herself or had a talk with you when she realize whst happened like “hey, do you have a moment?” and then asking you if you could try to include you more. Also if you don't feel like taking you to your friends, she shouldn't have pushed you. I really wonder what her fantasy was: you are a close knit of friend who see each other after one month. As if the attention is “yeah, the gf we never heard of!”
You write this because you are worried about other meet-ups. So… learn of this experience. If you don't want to, don't let yourself pressure into it. No big groups. And always check on her. She is the person you are with. You don't throw her in a group of people and let her handle it herself. This is what you did with you friends. You brought her to a group of strangers and expected her to happily chat with them.
There are couples who decide to remain in an essentially companionless marriage for a variety of reasons, children being just one of them. I can't imagine it myself. Those would be my final words to her. Perhaps a writer who stayed can advise you about that option.
This is very true. I can think of at least six or seven friends who have it. Some are single and dating and some are in longterm relationships. It’s a lot more common then we think.
There shouldn’t be a marriage yet because you both sound too immature, not that this fact has stopped anyone before, mind you
My guy, I don't think you have a girlfriend anymore
In a situation like that you have to speak up and tell him that you don't want to continue watching. He told you that it was a horror film that had been banned so you did have somewhat of a warning. Personally, I'm not into that stuff at all so I would have asked to switch to something else or just left. If you need support, again, use your words and tell him that. Although to be fair, he did show concern and ask if you were ok and asked you again about how you were feeling the next day. I think you need to work on communicating your wants and needs better because this situation could have been completely avoidable if you spoke up.
Id be weary in the future – if I ever had to borrow a chunk $ it’s because I don’t have it in savings or in my regular paychecks – it would be hot to pay someone back without a repayment plan so I just wouldn’t do it. If your bf who knew he didn’t have this kinda cash was willing to take 1k borrowed from you without a realistic and feasible way to pay it back – he’s gunna have a naked time paying anything back. Red flags – I would even ask him why he didn’t bring it up yet too – call him out
There is no way she was honest about what's happening
I think the fact that he wouldn’t show you the questionable threads is a huge red flag. And the fact he lied about it and the story kept slightly changing.
Y’all clearly have trust issues. Maybe he’s cheating, maybe not, but it needs to be addressed seriously
In the same vein – a virgin saying you're the best I've ever had is like a parent telling their only child that they're the favorite child. The compliment only means something if the pool is expansive but in this case if the pool is large enough for it to be a good compliment it might not be something you want reminded of. Basically it's a dangerous compliment as it could mean very little, or bring up a fact you might not want to be dwelling on, also means to an extent your performance is getting monitored and ranked. You weren't just here for a good time you were in competition.
Guy in 30’s who can’t keep an erection either is on opiates, does too much coke, watches and spanks to too much porn or has a serious medical condition.
My ex was always disappointed in me whenever I bought something for myself. Be it yarn (I crochet hats for babies in our family/friends circle) or mascara. He would say “we could have spent that on groceries!”
I suppose if you’re in a partnership it should be clear on what you can spend money on, be it a hobby, or feminine products, clothes or a night out. Perhaps you can work out the cost of these nights.
I wonder if it’s truly budget based or if he’s just angry you won’t spend time home with him.
He already said he was cutting him off. Do you want him to risk getting arrested and having an assault record? Trying to hype him up to go attack someone because in a drunken stupor you decided to confront this guy and snatch his glasses off his face and act belligerent.
This is shit I’d expect from high school age kids.
Lol what should you do?
Reddit is becoming to much.
Pretend you never received that email
ChatGPT is not an officially licensed therapist. I don't think depending on AI for mental health is advisable.
If you think you’re going to change anything about a 40 year old man then I have some bad news for you…
We’re older now. People are whoever they’re going to be. The period of life where you can change them is winding down.
Scary is dedicating more years to someone who doesn’t respect you and lies to your face. Saving up and moving away from someone like that is liberating. You got this.
No kid WANTS to pick up. Part of teaching them is cleaning up WITH them. How many 5 and 7 year old children do you know that regularly clean up without being asked or guided?
Your kids are going to grow up thinking it's OK to to put up with being cheated on and disrespected in a relationship. By letting her behaviour slide, you're letting her gamble with the wellbeing of 3 people.
But just keep plodding on and in a few months time we'll all read about how she had another prolonged affair and you want to know how to save the marriage.
It doesn’t really matter if we consider cheating. It’s your relationship.
But his actions were not those of a faithful guy and they obviously made you uncomfortable. Do you really think you can trust him? When the relationship got tough, he showed you he’ll just run to other people instead of communicating with you.
(But if you want to rely on my thoughts, it’s cheating! And he’s only saying “it’s not” to keep you around.)
After that argument he said he wasn’t going to the gym and when I was leaving I saw his car driving by the windows
You don't need courage, you just tell her.
“Looking for courage” is just BS delaying tactics.