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I felt insane reading these comments like if her post history shows this is what she posts why is he surprised now? Weird
Don't let her manipulate you into taking her back. She is counting on you being “understanding” because you just lost a parent, and you also love the dog you both are losing; she's finally realizing how much of a colassul failure she is. This is about her needing someone to lean on, and she miscalculated, thinking she could keep on manipulating you.
You need to make a clean break. Block her on everything: phone, email, social media platforms, really any way she has to contact you, block it. The trash took herself out, let the dump keep her, and find a woman who will treat you with respect, be trustworthy, and make you happy. You are not an asshole, you sound like a stand up guy to me.
the only to resolve this is through communication
Make sure to press charges for assault and battery, I'm very confused as to why he wasn't dragged off in handcuffs when he beat you to the point where you needed hospital care. That's so fucked up, what are the police doing just letting him get away with that? Assault and battery are crimes, he should be sitting in a jail cell right now, don't let him get away with it.
Manipulative behaviour. Whether he realises it or not. I used to do this exact same thing when I was younger. Whenever I felt something wasn't going my way I would freak out to shift all attention to myself and force my partner to forget their problem and focus on me. Sometimes I didn't even realise I was doing it as I was young and immature with no idea how to handle these types of situations or my own feelings. If your bf is open to therapy or counselling I greatly suggest it if you're able to access it. It helped me to see that these types of actions are extremely manipulative and unfair to any partner. And it will always be a detriment to any relationship. I hope one day your bf can understand that
Sounds like a crap situation sister! Be smart, get that degree, and slowly make your escape to a better existence! Sounds like campus school is a great shoe into the life you are meant to lead. Stay strong and focus on what’s important.
Just some advice until you can get the hell out of there. If he ever hits you again ball up your fist and punch him in the face as naked as you can. I know a lot of people are going to jump all over me for saying that but I've been in two abusive relationships in my life and the only thing they understand is if you fight back. Otherwise you'll always be the victim.
You say things are right or wrong, which is ethics, not logic. I argue that it is illogical for people to on-line according to fears of what might or might not happen.
Since when was receiving a guys hoody a woman using them as “toys”? You’re either completely ignorant and inexperienced or outright delusional. “Are you another hoody?” Theyre in a relationship. The men she received hoody’s from were people she didn’t go near sexually.
So you're saying his abuse has progressed.
You need to get out of the relationship. You don't need to be “properly” hit before you decide enough is enough. Staying in this relationship is continuing a cycle of abuse.
Please do and want better for yourself.
And your family isn’t overbearing or anything? Like do they say mean things to her or judge her? Is there any way they can be rude or mean behind your back? If there is no possible way your family is being mean to her then she really is just being childish. It’s like girls in high school with their first boyfriends. They want your attention at all times and want to be treated like a princess. It’s too much.
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Yes, but he's not here asking for advice, and she is completely responsible for her own choices going forward wrt dating single parents.
Just from another perspective: I wouldn't care if my parents didn't like my bf. In fact I hope they would hate him. I don't like them so if they hate him that's a win in my book. I have no plans to ever introduce them unless they're in their graves. But I also don't care what they or other people think of me or my behavior.
Maybe people are saying it's OK bc from their standpoint it is. Maybe they have some history or have the kind of personality where this is just not a huge deal to them. Maybe their parents suck and since they don't care they feel like OP shouldn't either.
Maybe they're mature enough to realize you can't always get what you want, even after your best efforts. Maybe they can just accept that some people don't get along and you can't force a relationship, so why bother?
The other answers aren't exactly callous. There's nothing OP can do about this except try to pull teeth to get it out of her dad. And honestly that's probably going to make things worse. Bc now dad feels forced to have a relationship with her bf just to keep his daughter happy.
She really ought to just drop it. Does it hurt? Probably. The way she feels isn't wrong. But she is literally on here bc she wants to make her dad do something he doesn't want to do. Her father is a whole ass adult just like she is. He lets her make her own decisions. She should let him make his.
Have you been tested before? Could you have been positive for a long time from before you even met your husband?
If most of those 18 BPD warning signs sound very familiar, Ebb, I suggest you also take a look at the r/BPDlovedones sub, where you will find hundreds of members sharing their experiences of living with — or walking away from — their BPD partners.
In the right-hand column of that sub, you also will find a list of good books and links pointing to on-line resources. Moreover, Reddit's biggest BPD resource targeted to the abused partners is the r/BPDWiki. Ebb, I wish the best for both you and your GF — and, of course, a happy new year!
Thanks so much for the advice. I’ve always had trouble just calling people out. But I do have to find a voice at some point so I guess now is the time! And yes, it’s his. I should of probably clarified!
You downplayed what you said to her but it must've been pretty bad if she said you were showing some SDE
You’re not responsible for him. Tell him straight up that he needs to start working or he needs to find someone else to mooch off of. At this point you’re only enabling his behavior.
I’m sorry but I don’t believe the bullshit that he can’t find a job. Sure, it’s difficult trying to find a position in the career he wants with the right pay and benefits and everything. But there’s plenty of other places that he can work at while still applying to the jobs he wants. If he can’t suck up his pride and work an entry level job to help make ends meet while still applying to the jobs he wants, then you should run and never look back. Trust me, he will turn his situation around really quick when he realizes he won’t have a home anymore if he doesn’t find a job.
Quite frankly, what she does in her relationships is none of your damn business. If I were her, I'd never speak to you again. At best, you are a meddler in situations that have nothing to do with you. At worst, you're a jealous manipulator.
It’s over man. At 25 she’s still not committed to you. This will only get worse, and if she wants to “try girls,” you might as well just leave.
One thing that really makes me angry is comparing how many men are in movies vs women. Then compare how many of the women got naked at some point, and compare that ratio to the men getting very hot. It's usually like 3-4 men to 1 woman on the ratio, and 0% men hard. The amount of female nudity varies, but could count on one hand the number of movies with more male exposure than female exposure.
Like.. I really wouldn't care if women generally got the same level of representation in movies, or if men were sexualized completely to women. But it's not. It's obvious who makes the movies and who sets the acceptable societal norms. But also, society has accepted these norms, so I get shit for it if I ever mention it. I've just accepted the loss at this point and just do my best to ignore it.
It actually is. He said the tattoo artist said the same at the time and tried to convince him it wouldn't come out good, but he insisted on having it done anyway.
Seeing toxic arguments all the time is much worse than having separated parents. If you stay with her you will tech your kid that her behaviour is normal in relationships.
You should ge going to therapy together if you don't leave.
That fact that he does work all the time, and that he works at night! Means he sleeps during the day then when he wakes he wants to play and I guess I get sad because I miss him and want his attention but then he rather play games and I guess I get butt hurt
I’m just confused. Was I not attractive enough? Was there something wrong with me? I have terrible trust issues, my last two ex’s cheated on me and left me for another guy and I’ve consistently been dealing with women who behave just like this. Is it me? I don’t understand.
probably has nothing to do with you..thye were an ex for a reason the first time around, no need to get dumped twice..No this part will confuse you/blow your mind, depending on how you see it. You may have a type and date the same person. They have different looks, and styles but may have the same characteristics that you find attractive. Which is why you get cheated on. You may like morally dubious people who have no problem dicking people over. Try dating out of your comfort zone to find someone different.
odds are this last one changed her mind, last min, and didnt want to cheat on her current guy. The blocks are for when your other partner looks at her stuff and starts to wonder. Anyhow, dont get down over this adjust find a different person. Learn what 'warning signs' to look for. Sounds like you can just examine your recent history to see those signs. Then avoid the people displaying that behavior and leave those cheating ho's in the past.
ps, one last piece of advice..someone says they want bang you, skip the taking them out to eat part and just eat them out instead.
Okay, show me your credentials.
So she can insult me all she likes with no evidence and I'm never allowed to say anything against her? Pretty biased. Her kid isn't even a child, he's in college, and I repeatedly asked her that if she wasn't positive she could let me call her, or even open my texts, not to make promises she wouldn't keep.
Litter boxes should be scooped out daily. For 2 cats you need 3 boxes. Most cats prefer boxes with tops where they can feel protected. Are the cats sterile? Do they have health issues? The other thing to try would bea different type of litter
Does her viewing my whatsapp story mean anything? and should i message her when the two weeks is coming up?
Why does it even matter?
If you have a super toxic relationship, that is not a relationship. Just hell. So leave. Everyone will be happier.
And leave the kid alone. It is bad enough he has grown up in amongst this toxic relationship. Don’t ask him about possible cheating to add guilt to the mix that maybe him telling you broke his mummy and daddy up. You relationship should have already ended. Just bite the bullet so everyone can move on and try to find your happiness.
you can’t initiate something when they’re asleep
Imagine if your coworker accidentally left behind some belongings in your car and your wife found them. See how that looks? Why wouldn’t you mention that beforehand? Looks sus.
They were coming back to our home after and went to let her dog out
Seeing your ages, just move on. You aren't a mind reader, and she was intending on being a no show. Over a coffee date? I hope it wasn't her first date, lol, but it sounds like it. Between the match, texting, and posting/reading – you've probably expended more time than the date would last.
Next time, check in a day prior, at least if cancelation happens, you won't be ready to walk out the door. Good luck, dating's a bear.
It's always a bummer to find information like that out, but it is up to you to allow yourself peace and move forward if your Girlfriend isn't showing any signs of looking elsewhere for attention. We all have past crushes, and I sure you do too, as long they aren't doing anything inappropriate or crossing boundaries, this will blow over.
I wouldn't outright say that you know what he looks like. Maybe just have a talk with her about how finding out that information made you feel. That let's her know that you are going to need a little extra reassurance while you work through the process of finding out about her past crush. The insecurity ultimately boils down to you, and your inner work, but your Girlfriend can be of support while you work through it.
Yea, I really did suck at explaining that! I have a one year rule, my childrens emotions are not something I take or will ever take lightly. It amazes me that most parents introduce a partner to their kids within a few weeks…. nope. Absolutelty not happening here, my children do not deserve to ever become close to someone who can walk out the door within minutes. I will not set my kids up for failure when it comes to boundaries and emotions, absolutely not! I get a lot of hate on that. Which makes me sad. My mom let multiple men walk in and out of my life, i will never do that to my kids.
I actually forgot to wear my ring to my Valentines dinner with my husband. I had left it in the second bedroom and therefore didn’t see it as I got dressed. I realized it was missing mid-dinner. My husband didn’t seem to care at all, was much more interested in the appetizer selection.
Ruuunnnnn. He tried to rape you and all the time he begged you even when you said no, he was coercing you for sex.
This isn't her partner's job. She knows her DX and she's responsible for handling it and figuring out how to conduct her relationships in spite of it.
As she is right now, she is not a good partner for the OP. In fact, she seems to be diminishing him. For his own sake, he should move on.
Stop acting like a child – grow up- but whatever you do leave her alone. She doesn’t deserve to be harassed just because you can’t get your shut together- that’s your problem not hers
You have no kids. I hate to say it but his rock bottom may be losing you and your life together – and even that might not be enough.
My husband had to lose me, his family, our son, and even then it wasn’t until all of his friends knew about his alcoholism that he finally got help. We were able to rebuild after that, but he really had to be left to fall on his own and fix his own life.
Codependent No More is an excellent resource for you to start working on yourself. Tracking your pills to try to manage his addiction, begging his coworkers not to sell to him, blaming yourself for leaving your medication in a bag, excusing his behavior because of his mother, refusing to be confrontational, managing his therapy appointments for him – all codependent behaviors. I think you should really consider separating from him. You ARE mourning a loss. And you aren’t taking care of your own needs. You can acknowledge that you “understand the addiction and relapsing” and still set boundaries and put yourself first. If you leave, he might get better and he might not. If you stay, and continue enabling and excusing his behavior, he most certainly will not get better.
I hope that doesn’t sound too harsh – I just have been there and I know I needed to hear the truth. It’s time for you to do what is BEST for you – HE needs to be responsible for his choices and actions, regardless of his past and regardless of how much you understand.
I mean, you are rejecting her because she is trans and that is ok. You are straight and not attracted to women, which she will be after she transition. Sucks, but so does knowing your partner of 5 years lied to you for 5 years by claming they are something they are not.
So it doesn’t sound like you are home to help at all during the week and the babies are still sleeping in your room. So she is doing most of the childcare (grandparents help during the week, you don’t say how much they actually do) keep the house tidy, do the laundry, make sure everyone is fed is a lot to do every day with 2 super small kids. So it’s totally understandable why she is probably touched out by the end of the day and just wants to relax without the pressure of sex. Plus your kids are still in your room!!! I wouldn’t want to have sex with my 1 year old watching and I’m sure your wife doesn’t either! That is so weird to me that you would try to have a physical relationship with her with them probably within arms reach of the bed
To clarify, I'm not saying that you theoretically can't have a healthy relationship. You logically can, IF certain conditions occur. The problem is that they're not going to occur. He used to be nicer. He used to not be full of vengeance. He currently is the opposite of those things, and you have no reason to believe it's just going to go back to the way it was.
This is a huge financial blessing, your BF needs to get over himself.
She needs to put herself in your shoes. I’m sure she would be upset if it was the other way around
Look, dude, your gf has serious gender issues. Bad ones. Ones you shouldn't keep dating around.
This is only going to get worse, until she becomes one of those people who accuse you of flirting with every cashier and waitress. I bet if you ask her who bisexual people can be friends with, the answer will be hilarious.
Run.
Bullies will always be bullies…
Ghost every single one of them pls, don't give them teh time of day.
Unfortunately your head needed to be used as well.
If he does nothing more then what are your options?
It’s simple they’ve allowed disrespect to go unchecked for so lo that their SO’s no longer respect then and treat them like shit. Especially people who are married
It sounds like he was entertaining other women while dating you. He held on to you until he found someone better. Whether it's this girl or someone else, he was never going to stay with you. Someone who was going to stay wouldn't break up with you that easily.
He is recently divorced (he was already living separate for over a year and in the midst of divorce procedures when we started meeting), already has three kids, and is not looking to get remarried or start a new family. (he just wanted me to experience that but I never wanted kids)
I am still not looking for a fixed relationship since I am poly and I was able to on-line that while I was with him (we openly talked about this).
I still want to get in contact with him (as freinds) as soon as it won't hurt me anymore (and I'll be taking my time with this) because he really helped me to voice my own needs and wants and emotions which I really struggled with becasue of my own previous relationship trauma.
Sorry that you are going through is. I'm thinking it is our hormone levels. We need a support group.
OP -His ex can try and cause trouble, but her past speaks VOLUMES about her ability to be a decent mother.
Your husband needs to see a lawyer NOW, one that specializes in family law and custody-related issues. Tell him DO NOT WASTE ANYTIME seeking a good lawyer. He's got to jump on this.
Don’t dare call me transphobic. People can on-line their lives however they choose. However I don’t believe a trans person will ever be a ‘real women or man’. That’s basic biology. I’ll still respect their pronouns etc.
I feel like I’ve moved on from my ex completely at this point. I realize dating someone new means vulnerability and I’m okay with that. I think rejection scares me more lol. & wow I’ve never thought about asking if he’s over his ex in that way. We talked about our exes but never whether we were actually passed it and ready for a relationship. & I think you’re right about waiting. Until Then I’m going to just enjoy him while he’s here.
Could be hunting, taxidermy, or frequent zoo visits! Considering her opinions about his hobbies, I'm gonna assume it's one of the first two.
i think in the relationship he was all about me and didnt have a life outside of me..although i loved having him around i also like my space which he did not understand back then and now he does. our communication has gotten better and everytime we hangout he tells me how he wants to work this out with me and he is willing to put in the work with my parents and i…
We have stopped gaming together, yes. That's it. It was just us at seperate desks, him playing while on discord with his friends and me playing my games by myself about 2 hours a week.
There's nothing I've stopped doing in the relationship that would translate to “this shows much I love you”, ironing clothes and stressing myself out to drop off is lunch are not those things to anyone sane, and he said those didnt matter to him.
As I mentioned, he wanted me to only hang out with his friends girlfriends/wives. So whenever he goes to his friends place, I go do my hobby things (gym, pilates, pottery, hiking, etc) so it wouldn't take away from our time together at all. Not sure where you got this from.
Or how you think going to the gym means I behave as though I'm not married?
I would ghost the AH. Block him. Go on and get yourself out there like he never existed.
I’m just responding to people’s passive aggressive comments
Yes one time a few years back
OP,
Have you ever considered that she might have been sexually assaulted sometime in her life?
You have seen her multiple time after doing this scream out and I am sure she has told you multiple times not to do it. BUT you kept doing it. She has a right no not tell you about her SA if she was. It would have been a horrible time in her life. Why I think that she was is because how she acted while partially undressed when you did this.
I could be completely wrong and it could be that she is so fed up with you all doing this to her. Doing something over and over knowing she does not like it is very cruel.
Whether or not she will ever speak to you again for you to apologize is up to her. your 28 years old you need to grow up and stop acting like a teenager.
Nah this douchebag literally gaslit her by calling her a crybaby, laughed when other men did this to her and literally is the cause of her panic attacks.
He is abusive and deserves no chance from her. My ex threatened to hit me several times – would you tell me I should forgive him one day because he reflected on his behavior? I hope not.
She literally kept him in the dark, and now suddenly, a stranger will be moving in with him, which he has to sacrifice everything for because of the gender he was born.
You're her second priority.
I agree. Sounds like our girl here needs some Z’s either way.
You’re leading her on for your own ego. Gross.
Your girlfriend is abusive.
If her name isn’t on your car, please report it as stolen.
I think you’re getting good advice I just wanted to mention I don’t think sharing bar soap with the family is gross. Is that actually gross though? Am I gross ??? 🙁
Forst of all he should learn that it is not appropriate to ask a girl out as a grown up old man. He is over 50. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Get her Lume! Or don't, I'm a commenter not a cop.
You have as much control as he does. If you're dissatisfied with the terms, walk away.
Almost all men watch porn, statistically speaking. Whether you're OK with it is up to you, but finding a man that doesn't watch porn is like finding a man who is an astronaut.
I'm…really confused?? How in the world did she come to the conclusion that the only way to figure out what the issue is/how to solve it is if you fuck someone else? That literally, actually makes no fucking sense at all LMFAO.
No, op, you go to counseling and you discuss your concerns, problems, and feelings with each other, and THAT is how you are going to figure out what the issue is. It's really fuckin weird that she jumped to “well you need to have sex with someone or we'll never be able to fix this unless it just fixes itself”. That's an incredibly stupid thought process, on top of just being irresponsible and rash. She shouldn't be telling you that you need to force yourself to have sex with someone in order to pinpoint and navigate your problems when you DON'T want to have sex with someone. Don't do something like that.
Y'all need therapy and you need communication. There could be something in your relationship that is seeping into your sex life. That's super common. On top of that, it could genuinely (and it sounds like this is the case) be coming from both you and your wife, not just one of you. There are ways of figuring out and working on problems without having sex with someone outside of the relationship, especially when you don't want to and are uncomfortable with having sex with someone outside of the relationship
Don't do it. At the very basic level it's cheaper to cancel a wedding than it is to divorce. My mom did it twice, and I learned that lesson.
On a personal level, you will be treated like this, and probably worse, for the rest of your relationship, and I bet it will end up in divorce anyway. Save the time and effort, and abuse. Leave.
Use lube. She's probably faking when she pretends to get off
Contact negotiation was fine.
The only slimy thing is rotten bankruptcy deals that screw over employees over vulture investors. I'm sure you've seen the good and the bad of that industry.
I’m puzzled why you’re so opposed to being on birth control while sexually active and not subject to any side effects. Like, do you wanna get pregnant, or something? The pill is every helpful with painful periods. You should give it a try. Modern medicine is a wonderful thing!
Note how the comments divide. A simple breakup would completely solve OP's problem. But some people simply can't resist the urge to confront.
That is a red flag showing immaturity.
I have had these kinda discussion with my now husband, we don’t get weird or upset because we know we will never be in that situation.
Saying “I've changed” is a meaningless thing. How did he change? Did he take time to understand why he did what he did? What did he learn about himself? Did he tell you what character flaw led him down that path? What life changes did he make to ensure that he would never be tempted to do that again?
If the only thing he can point to are wholly external things, cutting contact with his affair partner, giving you access to all his electronic, those aren't really him changing anything. He didn't tell you about the cheating. She did. She either felt guilt for doing it or she was retaliating against him for breaking it off. Either way he didn't feel guilty for having done what he did, only for getting caught.
If all he can give you are the words “I've changed”, you're insecurity is valid.
Now what? I think your boyfriend and you should consider couples counseling and your boyfriend should discuss why he did what he did.
If you’re dating to marry a life partner it’s Boy 1. If you’re looking for fun for a couple of years it’s boy 2.
Chemistry fades and couples who have attributes that compliment each other last. Relationships where you’re very similar people usually fizzle.
I thought about that to be honest, but I want to say based on how his personality is from what I've seen and he knows that I'm shy and timid, I kindly didn't take much thought of his hints until then so I'm thinking that he was trying to direct me to step out of my comfort zone and take control for once. But I'm probably wrong lol
So it would’ve been inconvenient for you, but not your PAYING daughter?!
Yikes. You don't have to yell. Either way, you didn't address the fact that she is choosing to not participate. They are a team and she's choosing to not participate in those trips. It doesn't mean he shouldn't have the right to choose to participate in hers. And, it's not even like he has to be with her 24/7. Maybe he'd like to go along, spend some evenings with her, and spend some evenings on his own doing something else.
Personally, I wouldn't want to be the only guy at a bar sitting at a table of 4 wives with me being the only guy there. Maybe the husbands can get together and go do something else and get to know each other. That is, of course, if they were smart enough to let their wife run to Vegas alone for a girls' trip.
That just makes you sound like a terrible girlfriend lmao.
She could have called her friend right in front of you to ask her if she had left a used condom in the trash without telling her you're there and asked her not to do that again because it's disgusting and could put her in naked water with you. That simple. It's what anyone who wants to put their love at ease would do if they weren't hiding something.
I feel like at least 60-70 percent of the stories on this sub boil down to someone acting stupid over sex, most people just don't flat out admit like OP tho so I give her credit for that at least lol
Her breath smelled of dick?
To find messages from an ex and scroll that far up is insane. Definitely a red flag on his part. From the way you described the story, it sounded like you had nudes in your photos folder, in which I agree, that would be weird.
It seems to me that you were trying out something she wanted, that you be more dominant, and along the way a few things went wrong. Many men are terrible at any kind of aftercare for their woman and anyway it was probably expecting too much for you to go from aroused and dominant to sweet and caring like switching on a light.
Hopefully your girlfriend is working in therapy on her trauma. She has a fairly long history with you caring for her so that should help.
Don't beat yourself up and try to look at it as a change you tried that could use some improvement.
This is 100% her irrational insecurity. You shouldn't give in on this. It would be a bad precedent to set.
Continuing to try to talk to her about it, but consider this a red flag in the relationship.
Oh girl, let me tell you something about feminism. You don't need to be getting all worked up over a man looking up his ex on Instagram or watching porn. You need to be more understanding of his needs as a man.
You see, men have urges and sometimes they need to indulge in those urges. It's not your job to police his behavior or make him feel bad for doing what comes naturally to him. If he wants to text people from his past, he should be allowed to do that too.
Instead of being so controlling and jealous, you should focus on being a supportive partner. Let him do what he wants and trust that he'll always come back to you. After all, isn't that what feminism is all about? Supporting each other's choices and empowering each other to on-line our best lives?
So don't sweat the small stuff, girl. Let him watch his porn and talk to his ex if he wants to. You'll be happier in the long run if you just let him do his thing.