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You are not her best friend. You’re her coworker. This is creepy and I would hate to work in an environment like this. Because you guy,s got coffee together at work now you should own her attention.
Ok so as a married women I would want to know.
However he is law enforcement he will harass you get his entire department to bully you.
If you do decide to tell
Go to his boss with proof.
Also never date law enforcement just like with lawyers when things bad they weaponized there job against you.
One thing I’ve heard during my time in AA (yeah, another alcoholic here) is that if a drunk asshole quits drinking, all you have is a sober asshole. Unfortunately, that’s what you have here.
If you are that sensitive you best let him go.
You are making him pay for trauma he didn’t cause.
Just put some pictures of you two together in her letterbox. Choose the pictures well so it’s clear it wasn’t a one-time mistake on his part.
Make sure they’re pictures that can be seen by anyone on your social media.
Alternatively, get a friend to give them to his wife’s neighbour. That way, there will be a face associated with this that won’t be yours.
Was there anything good about him before you decided you wanted to marry him?
Wanna unnecessarily inject drama and chaos into your own relationship? Follow up on this.
This woman knows the kind of guy she has and has decided to stay. You getting involved is going to backfire on you.
Owners. She’s one too. Excusing his behavior and making excuses. Throw them both away like trash, save the kid and dog.
Thank you, I don't think she will. She did say in one of her letters that she believes we will see each other again. I think that was in the first one though. Either way we don't online near each other and don't have any mutual connections.
No he doesn’t. I wouldn’t care if he did tho it’s normal??♀️
Just tell her your sorry you already have plans.
OP, dont forget this golden rule:
Safety >>>>>> Revenge
Yes it feels satisfying to tell the wife, yes you feel guilty. But your safety will be in danger whether wife believes you or not.
Is this worth it to put yourself wrong side of cops?
It looks like the ” you oughta know ” sont frim Alanis Morissey. All they would do, he do it with someone else. And all he sauf he won't he os now doing with someone else.
It is not regrets. It is the feeling of treason, of broken promises, of paths she has dwelled and must roam again and negotiate again with you. It is all the mess and the years lost.
In fact you are the bright point of the her situation. She has you. And she has you since before she heard about the wedding. You are not a rebound or an emotional crutch. You are her bf and she know what is in front of you both because she already went there. She must grieve her ideal life she talespinned when she was young and must now build her real adult life.
Is it possible he just happens to be the man that is there and your feelings are channeling towards him? Is homosexuality less demonized in the country you are in?
Would dating a man off Grindr help?
I don’t think a lot of people truly understand how hot it is to move on sometimes. I’ve had a couple relationships that were completely out of sight out of mind just a few months after breaking up.
I’ve also had one that I will never fully recover from. Even if they were horrible experiences and ending it was the right choice, sometimes someone leaves such an impression on you and scars you so deeply that you can be mostly over it and even happy, but one day you’ll be driving and a song will come on and it just breaks you because you used to listen to it together.
It reminds you of what could’ve/should’ve been, all the fights, the good memories, all the times where you couldn’t imagine life before or after them, the bitterness and resentment, it leaves a void inside of you. When you have so much history with someone and you spent a lot of time with them planning your future together, that’s the kind of thing that takes years to get over.
I have never seen anyone breakdown and cry like this because someone she dated 3 years ago is getting married.
I have, and oh boy was it a red flag.
Being perhaps generous with benefit of the doubt, maybe homeboy really drove home to her during their relationship that he was dead set against the idea of marriage, so hearing of it meant she'd been consistently deceived and it hurt.
She is in bed with you with other guy on the phone who I guess tried to insult you, she is falling asleep witth him on the phone right next to you.
Wtf..
I would kick her out of my place in a second a tell her to go to sleep with her “friend” who will most likely smash her at first opportunity.
You are an ass. Good on her for finally realising she deserves a man and not a teenager stuck in a middle age man's body. Move out and stay out, and get a therapist while you're at it.
Child has learned mom thinks it is as entiteled as she is.
And/ or Fridge empty. No money for food. But in that even the child would eat what OP offered.
Some of the content is illegal in the country I’m from.. 🙁 but he’s from a different country initially and wasn’t aware of any legal issues
I just can't fathom staying with someone I feel like I need a PI to figure out. Blows my mind.
No, what you're talking about is someone having a wank to a video that is 10 years or more older. Provided the people in the video are above age at the time it was recorded and consented to making and distributing the video, all you're doing is making stupid moral arguments that have no relevance to what OP is actually discussing.
So of course I'm not going to engage seriously because the comment has no objective basis.
If you have something more substantial than “ew gross, wanking over a 10 year old video”, I would be glad to hear it.
This is the trouble with being a 'homemaker' when you don't have children to care for. If this is literally your only job then of course he will expect it to be done to a certain standard. Terrible idea to willingly rely on someone else's income like that without good reason, it means you're beholden to him.
Get a job and get your independence, then you will both have to put the effort into cleaning and cooking and things will be more equal.
Have to say though, it's not great that he's witholding affection like that. So maybe just get a job and get your own place away from him.
If the couple isn't religious, then maybe OP will be asked to be an officiant. However, this is something the friend would've asked when they spoke…..
Unpopular opinion and I expect to be downvoted. If your job is to stay home and take care of things (according to your post, it is) then you should be keeping a clean place. Even working full time outside the home, I would never have dishes on the sink…as you state that you do. It’s super easy to run the vacuum everyday, so that would take care of the bathroom floor. If housework isn’t your thing, I’d suggest just going out in the work force and getting a job. Then you can pay for someone to come clean a couple of times a week. Problem solved.
But I'm sure the dude who wrote is from his Mum's basement, is a really NiceGuy
Because they were both invited by the co worker and he knew she wanted to go but instead of tell her he didn’t want her to go he just doesn’t talk about it and buys his own ticket then the night before says oh hey that thing you were excited about is happening and I’m going to it. That would be pretty fucked up since both were invited and since she expressed interest to him about it now yes they are separated so he doesn’t have to tell her his plans but when you’re invited as a couple and then you partner tell you oh I’m excited for this and I think it will be good for us then they just don’t ever bring it up again is kinda rude and disrespectful to the relationship since they are trying to fix things. I would agree more with what you said if she hadn’t also been invited then it’s completely different but with her also being invited initially I feel it’s more of a grey area. Plus there are a lot of factors we don’t know like maybe she had asked about it multiple times and he brushed her off or perhaps lied or maybe she’s lying and she wasn’t invited or she believed she was. Also mental states and why they are separated could be a factor. So basically my opinion is based on the little info we do have and if it is all true. Now I always say my opinions and advice are subject to change based on new info or other perspectives I hadn’t seen or thought of in that moment.
Once I stopped wasting my time on men like this, realizing that it is both not my job to educate them into being less trash and also not how I want to spent what precious time I have on this earth, I was a lot happier with my life and I suspect you will be too.
I usually start by asking them to explain the joke a million times like no please explain why this is funny because it makes them so deeply uncomfortable being forced to examine their comments. If they’re still trash after that, they get put out with the trash.
i see the problem here as he didnt voice his expectations of spotless-ness until he had already been physically repulsed by her and neglectful for a few weeks at least.
It sounds like she's been very clear what kind of relationship she wants. If you don't want that kind of relationship, why don't you just break up with her instead of inviting all these people to shit on her and call her a sex worker?
9 MOVIES? ? Jeez. And I really do want to talk to him and I really wanna ask if he'd like to be friends I'm just trying to get my brain to think that too so I won't walk up to him and freeze and completely embarrass myself
You can talk about that stuff all you want, but we're all a single second away from complete disfigurement. What if you got into a car wreck today and he decided he could never have sex with you again because of the scar from your broken arm?
It's the lack of empathy and perspective that makes it icky.
You can explain it away however you want.
He’s being spiteful and manipulative and you can politely call it out and shut it down.
“I’m so glad you want the kids there to share in your day. I’ve given you two solutions to make that happen so choose one of them or make your own arrangements. I will not be attending”
Then gray rock him. Do not engage beyond the kids when he protests.
“The kids don’t need me there to look after them, they, and I, are perfectly fine with their babysitter who we love and trust”
And repeat ad nauseam. Your cheating ex can try his little games all he wants and you serenely rise above it. You’ve got this! Good luck.
Or grow a little emotional control for a guy that doesn’t abuse you.
ohhh, you're one of those. Trying to convince women that 'he doesn't beat you' is the bar men should clear. That explains all your comments.
Did he destroy it?
No. Tell him you aren’t going and if he doesn’t let this go he can pay for the damn babysitter.
You're right, I should get this straightened before we go any further into our relationship.
Thank you
Dont go, fuck that noise. Marring the person he cheated on you with and wants you to be there to watch.. I dont get how people have even the energy to be such assholes. I just wanna put in my 8 hours and go home, some people are just evil.
I'm just saying it's a lot of changes in a short space of time when he's a hormonal teenager. Doesn't make it ok to attack your wife though.
Three years ago
She explained that, saying that her saying she loved you was not a big serious thing, but rather an expression of care, but you still object. If you cannot accept that a partner may grow to care about you and have warm feelings about you then I don't think you are ready to have a relationship
That sounds very dedicated. Well put and done.
If the relationship is great other than this aspect then for sure try to figure it out. He may be more experienced than you or he may be less experienced than he says. He might be scared he won't be good enough for you since it's your first time and wants to get it right. That was a stress for my SO when we started. It's okay to explain your nerves, too, even being hot in front of him entirely. Which you don't have to do. Heck if you feel more comfy in a shirt…keep it on. Take your time on both sides so that it's right for both of you. And yeah maybe first time will be a little awkward. That's okay especially in a loving relationship. It'll get better as yall figure out what works for you both. On the birth control talk to your doctor and see if they have other options that might not have such an inpact on ya.
Wow, ok that info did not come through in your original post at all. It reads more like you didn't want to have much to do with the kids and he agreed to that but then you reverse uno'd and everything went downhill from there.
You were totally taken advantage of. He used you to parent his kids because it was *too hard* for him to do it alone AND he wanted your money. He sounds awful.
My advice is the same though: you are free to move out and free to divorce him. If you don't want to get divorced again, you can move out and remain married. It just removes you from the day-to-day stuff and you can see him on your terms.
This is rape, he is a rapist, He needs to know that, everyone needs to know that. If you don't call him out on it now, he will do it again to you or someone else
You guys have been each other’s only anything. It sounds like you both need some time apart, and definitely need to see what the rest of the world has to offer. He’s being rude and condescending and honestly that’s only gonna get worse. You deserve better.
She broke up with me. Found a new guy, fuck her
He raped you and he will do it again. You need to break up with him. And you can (and should) go tell your parents or the police or a teacher too.
He did this to you and he will do it to somebody else.
after she told me that she was pregnant I did some research and googled and found out it was very possible that she got pregnant.
Parents don't discuss every single decision with each other before communicating with the child, healthy or not. But regardless, I don't think OP or the husband are in the wrong for the initial fight. Husband is in the wrong for going behind OP's back and bringing up his biological connection with their daughter to win an argument.
I'm confused as to why OP having different opinions on two completely different issues makes him a hypocrite lol. Those issues aren't about the same thing. No one is being a hypocrite in this situation except for the husband. And that is solely because of his biological parent comment, not his opinion on the sleepover.
He didn’t even know she was there. He was black out drnk
If not the side piece, at least the rebound and now he’s ready to go back to the ex…. I’m sure he appreciated the place to stay.
It's no at all, but I can see why she was armed as a single woman she should be lucky no one called the cops or panicked
The same as I try to practice proactive/double communication in our relationship because I know she won't address problems by herself.
You can't control what she does! Let it go. Stop focusing on her and work on you.
Do it when you have the energy to. Don’t do it when you don’t.
It's phone addiction. She needs to get help. Her phone should have an app that tells her how many hours a day she spends on it.
My sister did not do most of the work. She helped my dad a little last year. You are ignorant of indigenous protocol. It is our protocol to inform others of activities that may impact them. This includes inviting strangers to shared land that we all online on. I spoke to my sister and acknowledged that she broke protocol with this and apologized for it.
I think you misunderstood what I meant when I said I am comfortable with my dad being there. I meant for the ceremonial part only. Ceremonies in our culture are typically closed to non indigenous people unless they have been accepted into the community.
I didn’t participate last year because i was busy caring for an elderly family member. However I was involved in the planning. And how exactly have I done minimal this time around when we haven’t even started yet ?
I have every right to voice my reservations (pun intended) about a non indigenous stranger on indigenous land that I co steward and live on. Especially when the other 2/4 co-stewards are in agreement.
So I had a great talk with my sister about this whole situation and she has acknowledged that she has neglected our relationship and several others she values. She mentioned how much family has been on her mind this week too. She said she missed hanging out with me too and we have plans to hang out tomorrow. So that strain you’re talking about? Nah. No damage to our relationship. In fact, I predict it will become even stronger. Thanks for your concern though.
This dude is more than welcome to learn about maple syrup from other people off reserve where they won’t be involving indigenous culture or ceremony. As someone who works in cultural education, Non native people don’t need to be learning about all aspects of our culture. It’s frankly annoying that they are so interested. And most just want to take without any reciprocity. If we teach him about our culture what is he going to offer in return so that it isn’t merely extractive?
My honest opinion is that you’re a place holder for him. So that he can not be alone while he figures out how to get back with his ex.
I'll disagree with most here. Her asking about an open relationship shouldn't be a deal breaker. You should be able to discuss anything with your partner and not feel threatened by any subject.
The problem is that she was thinking about someone else. That is a game changer. That changes it from a philosophical discussion to future or maybe past in this case, intent. And to open it temporarily? She just wants to get laid, or already did, by this guy and be able to come home to her safe space….you.
He most likely isn’t depressed (at least I don’t think so) and he works at a decent job now but I feel that once we move out his current salary could be an issue later
This is why open communication is important. Every relationship has problems but it's how you resolve it is important. PRoblem is they are in their early 20's so he might just be like okay and but won't understand the problem. Everyone's immature at that age to a certain point.
It's me. I don't look. And other people don't either. You're just projecting. It's fine that YOU prefer to keep looking at other people, but don't just outright try and speak for every other human being on the planet.
I did a quick check and you used to be addicted to porn. Thus, you did look. You may fight to not look now, but you did. So you’re fighting your nature to look
Take your time. And respect her boundaries. She told you where she's at. Which means she trusts you to respect it. Regardless of if you want to date in the future if you push her now it won't happen.
Be there for her, be present, be her friend. Really and genuinely. I'm not talking that nice guy shit. I mean really being kind.
So first you only have her word that her ex was okay with her joining the spicier side of reddit.
Then there’s the fact that her relationship ended months after she said she had feelings for you, so even if her ex was okay with it, she should have ended the relationship as soon as she got feelings for you (or anyone else) – this is cheating even if the rest of it wasn’t.
She doesn’t seem to care about anything but her own carnal pleasure, and as you say she is in another country and you will never know if she is already cheating on you or not.
And you already have trust issues, they don’t happen without reason, even if it’s subconsciously, you have noticed something isn’t 100% right.
My question is how should I confront him about it? If anyone had a similar situation. Since he didn't cheat and overall we are very happy but this is not okay.
Stop wasting his time and your time, tell him it's not going to work and move on.
But you understand that ABC hooked up with you while you were drunk knowing you are in a long-term relationship. What makes you think she didn't do this before with other men? And if she really was pregnant, what makes you think it was yours? It wasn't her first time. She's obviously not as conservative as she led you to believe.
First of all: you didn't do the right thing. You broke up with your ex out of the blue instead of talking to her. And then you started a relationship with a woman you didn't love and even got engaged to her after an extremely short period of time because you let yourself be pressured into it. A child does not need married parents. It's not your job to fix abc's reputation by marrying her.
Yep, reporting this post.
What typo are you referring to?
You said “I got worse”
Did you mean “it got worse” or are you saying you actually got worse yourself?
I was stupid and naive
Yup that’s what being a teen is like ?
Definitely not a time to be trying to raise a child…
I am trying,it is not that easy.
good. I’m glad you recognize it. Children shouldn’t give out advice. and they shouldn’t take it personally when others don’t take that bad advice.
It’s an analogy
What I meant is that your analogy is like a pigeon swimming through a sea of pineapples. It makes no sense whatsoever.
Something that you did in your past that has zero baring on who you are now and is basically meaningless
Great, amnesty for everyone! /s
Please, if you're going to speak in motivational quotes, check them for sanity first. And to the thing at hand: wanting to be the first for your romantic partner is a valid desire.
Weird his parents “don’t allow” him to stay over because he’s an adult and can make his own decisions. If he isn’t making sacrifices to the betterment of you both then I’d considered. Y’all might be boring because it’s convenient. Have either talked about a future with each other? Moving in?
Sure loser
Zzz
Tell him.
Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t take this well.
And sorry but it takes 2 people to have sex, and therefore it is both of your responsibilities to make sure contraception is used and not the fucking stupid “pull out method” which he wasn’t using. So you both are equally as responsible for this as the other.
I’m sending you a huge fucking hug. Please know you are worthy. Your feelings were and are valid, and choices made to protect yourself are absolutely noble. You are whole.
And I’m proud of you for doing what you knew was right even though it was extremely hot (and fucking painful).
Heart is with you my friend.
Will this help or is it just for fun? It certainly sounds like a bit of fun.
Grey rock method. Google it. Do not respond. Do not react. Do not give an ounce of upset or hurt. Smile, be happy even if it isn’t real. Some people thrive on abusing others. The reaction is the reward. When she says something just smile and get on with something else. Speak to someone else. The biggest truth about bullies is they pick on the vulnerable because they like the vulnerability and they like the reaction. Pretend you are happy and confident and she means nothing either way to you. Fake it till it’s real. It’s, in my opinion, the only possible method of dealing with evil people and keeping your sanity. Avoid, grey rock and happiness is the best form of revenge.
How pathetic. You’re 36 and acting like this. Wow. Your girlfriend deserves so much better.
How pathetic. You’re 36 and acting like this. Wow. Your girlfriend deserves so much better.
Stop blaming your autism for being checked out of your relationship: that’s all you. You don’t listen to her and she’s sick of it. Pretty gddamn simple!
I’m on the spectrum and my husband isn’t. Guess what I don’t do to him? This shit.
Also, I have started researching more and it seems this is quite a common fantasy for many guys.
In my opinion, it sounds like you guys simply aren’t compatible long-term. It sounds like you just have too many differences for it to work. You deserve to feel fulfilled. The person your with should give you butterflies. And it’s fine to be independent and not miss someone like crazy…but a whole month and you still don’t really care? I think that says it all. Let alone the blame shift and name calling during fights… that indicates he’s still emotionally immature. Don’t let him hold you back from traveling, this relationship isn’t meant to last. Best of luck op.
I think you hit the nail on the head with the second part. And good point that I should be more sure our longterm plans are aligned after this.
The first part I'm not sure I see the point. Should the person who brings up moving in together or wants it more have to pay more? If two people decide to move in together, shouldnt it just be fair?
I don’t think that’s info to roll out early on in a relationship. For one, it’s not relevant. For two, it’s a deeply personal thing and I don’t think such things should be trusted with someone you barely know.
preciate the comment but i have no interest in dating anyone for a while, i date to marry i don’t want to fuck around with people
He only apologized when you cried. He didn’t apologize after the words came out of his mouth. He was perfectly fine saying that to you and would’ve never apologized if you didn’t cry. I would tell him to leave
If I had to guess, he probably still isn't over her entirely.
Don’t use that word for trans people.
Your boyfriend has anger issues and you should leave him, but don’t use that word.
Yeah most people don’t do that any more.
You are over complicating the subject matter. A person cannot, nor needs to, quantitatively measure “love”. It has, however, been thoroughly documented through years of social science that, generally, people tend to show and receive affection in one or more of these defined categories. Is social science considered pseudo science? Maybe. But the point that the widely accepted defined categories in which people show affection “are not real”, I have to disagree.
Yeah, but that only matters if you are using it in court. If you show it to friends and family as proof that you aren't the problem, that's different.
I'm of the opinion there is room in the world for people of different beliefs and of different degrees of belief.
…
But I've seen examples of families being driven apart like you are as well.
Idk dude I'm gay, I didn't kick myself out of my family.
No you do not have to.
You're an adult. Make your own decisions. Your mothers choices are not your burden, nor is her relationship. Fuck him. Match his aggression and cut him out of your life. Tell your mother she needs a divorce and your relationship with her will be back to normal once she's signed divorce papers and he's moved out.
I grew up in a Conservative Christian household as well, so I can see where her disappointment was coming from. And as others have pointed out, I was seeing things from rose tinted glasses. Maybe it's time I let this one go.
I don’t offer he asks me, and I can’t say no I’ll feel horrible ?
My guy it is not fucking normal to have tears pouring out of your eyes because you found out someone you’ve been dating for a little while is not a virgin. It is not normal to cut someone out of your life who has been your family member and you have known forever because they are having a child in a way that you do not want to do for yourself or would not value for yourself. This person clearly view sex is bad and dirty and shameful. And no that’s not a Sumption that’s just reading comprehension. Have whatever the fuck values you want but crying and flipping out and cutting people off When they don’t conform Exactly to what you want Is fucking insane.
Not if you're on Reddit a lot ?
Brother is an asshole.
Makes me wonder what hed do to you if you said something he didnt like
If the friend who said break up is single. I wouldn’t ask her for advice ever again . Cause why does it seem as if they are more pissed then you are ? lol
thank you. he talked to me today about it and all is well, it’s just going to take work on my end to earn back that trust. i’m willing to do everything i can to work this out
So he was cheating on you, got caught and was like “lol jk I wouldn't have actually hooked up”?? No wonder you have trust issues; HE BROKE THE TRUST WHEN HE CHEATED
Hate because I said a white person doesn't have the capacity to know the intent of someone using the nword is?
Ok sure ???????
Y'all always tell on yourselves and it would be funny if it wasn't incredibly scary.
Story about someone saying something racist and getting slapped for it. Not murdered, not getting their head stomped on. Slapped, with the only lasting damage being to a racist person's ego. Who will MAYBE hesitate now before being so openly racist.
And there's people saying he's too violent, some even saying next time he might hit her if he feels disrespected by her. As if it's impossible for someone to slap a racist without being just a violent monster lmao
Your brother is a racist and said awful things to your boyfriend. So yes break up with your boyfriend because he deserves better than a ‘partner’ who excuses their families racism. Your brother deserved what he got.
I might need to try this, I've had a stuffed nose also since like age 10 and there's only a handful of times in my life I can remember breathing easily through both nostrils. I use a spray rn if it gets to bad but I think I should really just go for a neti pot
Sounds like you have your mind made up.
Girl, you had it right the first time
Pretty damned obvious that he did. And she asked him privately. Not accusing him, simply asking. She did nothing wrong.
And you think his over the top reaction was totally fine?
Your mom is right. Go to the authorities.
Why are you ENGAGED to someone you’ve only been with for 7 months? That’s insane even besides the messages.
The I’m not a tractive quote, is one of those things that a spouse can say to another that hugely damages their relationship. It’s one of those things that really hot to overcome. While you have taken to what she said to heart and gotten yourself back into better shape what she said, won’t leave your mind. Yeah that comment right there is really tough. There’s some other comments that can be made and I’m not gonna go into that are also like nails and coffin to a relationship and I can clearly be one of those nails they got for you to take care of yourself after that, said and best of luck with whatever you decide to do going forward.
The I’m not a tractive quote, is one of those things that a spouse can say to another that hugely damages their relationship. It’s one of those things that really hot to overcome. While you have taken to what she said to heart and gotten yourself back into better shape what she said, won’t leave your mind. Yeah that comment right there is really tough. There’s some other comments that can be made and I’m not gonna go into that are also like nails and coffin to a relationship and I can clearly be one of those nails they got for you to take care of yourself after that, said and best of luck with whatever you decide to do going forward.
Please don't be this naive. I went and saw my ex yesterday and he was high as a kite, portraying every single behaviour you have listed. He is a major cokehead and has been for a couple decades now, I can tell from one look at him. Your man is lying. You either accept it, take control of where you want to go, or you keep believing the lie and stick your head in the sand, but please stop defending the behaviour and making excuses. You came for advice, and it's been given.
Please don't be this naive. I went and saw my ex yesterday and he was high as a kite, portraying every single behaviour you have listed. He is a major cokehead and has been for a couple decades now, I can tell from one look at him. Your man is lying. You either accept it, take control of where you want to go, or you keep believing the lie and stick your head in the sand, but please stop defending the behaviour and making excuses. You came for advice, and it's been given.
Laugh at him whenever he brings it up, he's being absurd
sometimes men are just shady. it could be for so many reasons but you won’t really know even if you ask him. just move on
Put the dishes into a tub and leave them somewhere for him if you need to use the sink.
You know. Every morning he takes a bath, and I never do. Our shower has it's own stall, which I use. Why don't I just start putting them in the bathtub when he leaves them out from the night before?
I just feels so rude. He really enjoys his bath in the morning and it's so mean spirited, it doesn't reflect who I am.
We don't really have the space or necessity for a dishwasher, but even then, if I'm the one loading it and unloading it, my problem remains.
Your first point makes no sense grammatically. Normally I can understand by context, but I’m still lost for what you were trying to say here. If you’re assuming any of us would sleep with a man our sister is dating, you are wrong. If my sister did this to me, I would never introduce her to the other men that came into my life after this, including my husband.
Everyone here, and on the last thread, is telling you that you fucked up, that you are a shit sister, and that you put dick above your relationship with your sister. You’re not going to find a decent person who will agree with your choices. Take the L. Work on trying to be a better person with higher integrity and emotional intelligence. Make better choices in the future.
Stop talking to Polly. Don’t call her, visit her, make plans with her. Nothing. It NEVER ends well. Stop it. This isn’t a great mystery – stop putting yourself at her mercy. Stop.
Honestly, these ones are always a little hot for me. While this is absolutely insane behavior, given how often people cheat on each other and how shallow people can be it's easy to understand how someone could become this way.
Obviously he has some deep, deep trust issues and some trauma he needs to work out before he's ready to be in any kind of relationship. He really needs to get into therapy to work this stuff out or he's never going to be in a healthy relationship.
Maybe the weight of being a groomer has finally set it and wants to distance himself from the teenager he's dating….
Yes, but she thinks she over stimulated her clit and so can't climax with that, or something along those lines
I was the same way for years. Basically like you said she needs to focus on enjoying the time not rushing to finish. And direct stimulation hurts for a lot of women. She should try different angles and speeds. If she looks up the anatomy of the clit she can stimulate it by making an upsidedown V up and down her vulva.
Also try making the set up comfortable for her before masturbating/playing. Put on a movie, put pillows around her and under her legs, wrap up in a blanket and start with soft touches. Keep up conversation so it's almost like an afterthought. Comfort and relaxing might help.
You shouldn’t make your decision on the pregnancy based on this trip. You need to decide first if you want to continue with the pregnancy or terminate. If you want to keep the baby then you should tell your father you will need to postpone the trip until the baby is older. There’s no way you can beat around the bush about the reasoning.
Thank you for your advice, I’m not going to do it via phone or text, it would have to be in person, I’m staying at hers in a couple of days so I guess that’s when it’ll be.
I take her things in a bag? Presuming I’m able to hold my shit together (which I’m not very good at doing) when she answers the door, if she sees her things in a bag she’s know the gist of where it’s going before I even say a word.
Do I explain the reasoning first and then tell her that I’m leaving her? Or do I tell her I’m leaving her and then give reasons? Do I say goodbye to her housemate or should I just leave? I’m an absolute wreck right now
Start by calling this behavior what it is and stop hiding behind his excuses. This is not an addiction. He does all that garbage because he chooses to. He's only upset that he got caught. People who want to change go and get help (on their own) and work on changing. The end.
He probably didn’t cheat, and that’s not really what I personally would consider cheating, however it is obviously hurtful to you and would be to anyone in your position. He’s still in love with her, why be second place? My advice is to move on, it’s early in your relationship. You’ll heal and forget about this guy once you find a better one…and you will.
This 100%
The brother sounds just as bad as the friend
I mean, you’re on here sowing discord trying to get that “epic owned” one liner to elicit and angry response, when I’m here for advice. Which is pretty low value even for the internet.
Please excuse me while I disregard the thoughts of the angry McDonald’s drive thru employee.
I would have made sure to tell him what his penis looked like.
On god. And even if it was amazing I promise he would have a complex after I was done
32F… …I think she's very attractive for her age.
Do women expire after 30 or something? My wife is almost twice that age, and she looks beautiful to me.
Being edgy isn't the same as being an asshole, friend. 😉 And that's probably why you wouldn't joke about it.
I hate to be this blunt, but dude…grow a spine. It didn't “make things worse” for any one but her, but you just keep letting her turn it around on you.
Stop being a victim, get some self respect and stand the f- up for yourself. If she denies it and screams, walk out and stay with a friend.
Also you absolutely need to consult with a divorce lawyer. Buckle up, because the shit storm is coming. She has no problem lying to your face and trying to make you thi o you're the crazy one, this is NOT your life partner. The sooner you come to terms with all do this, the sooner you can move on and find a decent human to spend time with.
Yup lol. And I’m getting downvoted because people don’t like corrections or the fact that words have meanings. It’s fine, aha.
But yes to everything you said. Exactly correct
nah the fact that she’s hiding, lying and getting mad defensive? she’s cheating on you with that new make coworker.
Yeah I know I should’ve asked for it back then.
I was thinking about writing a letter of demand in hopes that will do something.
She’s a horrible person and I have definitely learnt my lesson. I’ve seen her pull a girls hair and throw a glass in their face.
I have texts and bank statements that prove she hasn’t paid me back.
She also claimed she paid me in June but I have a text message months later saying that she’s just received the refund.
I’m guessing someone who compares cheating to videogames is at the end of her rope? Are you spending every waking hour playing FIFA? How much actual time do you spend with her? If you’re only playing an hour or two a day, she’s over the top. But if your entire schedule is work, FIFA, sleep, repeat, she’s probably fed up with your lack of attention.
I read your comment and responded. What more do you want?
I read your comment and responded. What more do you want?
Pancakes are delicious
Your wife is emotionally cheating on you and lying about the messages. I would just tell her that it’s you/your marriage or this random guy from work.
Jesus Christ. I’m so sorry. That would have killed me, especially as young as you are.
Idk how invested you are in this relationship but I wouldn’t be able to deal with it.
There is NOTHING WRONG with how your vagina looks.
What were in those texts?!
Does everybody asking why can't both dads get a dance not care that OP's bio dad was cheated on, had his child stolen from him by his ex-wife and her lover, was probably forced to pay child support for a daughter he never got to see, missed nearly her entire life, and had another man step into his role against his will? And said other man helped set all these events into motion?
i hope that guy can come out of this okay, emotional incest is scary
either way, yes it is weird, but he's still becoming an adult like you and hopefully if he gets a job or goes to college he will understand that their relationship like that is not healthy and he can break out of it, but i will say you probably shouldnt stay in this relationship, youre young and this can be a lot for someone of your age, just stay safe and stay happy, good luck to you in whatever you choose
He has a new purpose for his life. To online his life the best and most honest way he can, learning from his parents actions to be better than that
A former colleague of mine was informed of a management change impacting who he'd be reporting to. He proceeded to go on a rant saying how much of a f'ing idiot the new manager is, how incompetent the whole team is, listed off every person with all their alleged flaws, etc.
Needless to say, he was fired very quickly after that. Most teams have no interest in managing attitudes like that.
Sorry, troll dude. You'll die a virgin with that attitude.
What is the point?
His reasons are ridiculous. Of course he doesn’t want them knowing.
Staying with him is agreeing to this broken thinking. One day it will impact you, from other irresponsible thinking. Not to mention you inheriting this debt of luxury.
Dude, she's manipulating you. Find someone who actually cares and doesn't act like that.
Convince him to go beg for his job back. They won't give it back to him of course, but he desperately needs that lesson in humility. Then he gets a job, now. Even if it's some bullshit minimum wage job. He doesn't get the luxury of waiting around for the perfect job, or moping around the house because he's depressed. What can he sell to raise cash, his car? His PS5/Xbox? If my partner did something like this I seriously don't know if I'd be able to see them the same way ever again. I'd be pissed until they recovered and probably pissed for a while beyond that.
This is a major fuckup. Relationship ending, but marriage isn't that easy.
Sorry, but I still don't think this is helping your case. Just because he has the money doesn't mean he wants to spend more. I'm assuming you aren't paying for it.
OP says 3h per week. That's not much at all.
He’s a rude, drunken hot mess (why tdid you even get on the bike with him?) and you’re worried about how to communicate disappointment? Your priorities are confused.
I have no advice. I am just sorry your husband was such a moron.
To be honest, the way you're handling this situation seems constructive… meaning, the advice I'd offer is what you're already doing.
If the goal is to get to this person, your path is what I would take. Beyond that, hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
What would you want me to say? Your girl has baggage and you should dump her because people should come to relationships correct?
Here, you said “I see your baggage, and I want to help you carry that,”
So, the way you've handled that situation seems appropriate to me.
The remainder of the focus on is you. Getting over that “Should I, or should I not be worried” battle.
If you're battling for this relationship to work (like you seem to be)… then don't allow yourself diffuse your determination.
Love is a gamble. And that is what you're doing here. All you can do is put your best into it and be strong in deflecting the ones that don't work out.
Everyone here is thinking from OPs perspective but I would like to think from her husbands perspective.
What drove him to such behavior? I for one left my previous company on a polite mode but i wish i would go back and spit on managers face for making my life hell, for real. So maybe OPs husband was just venting out his frustration.
But also I agree that he should have done this after finding a solid alternative job. Maybe he got carried away with not losing his only chance to insult them.
But OP u could still talk to him and try to open him up on such behavior. Not from a point to confront him but with goal of knowing if he would behave this way again if anything infuriates him.
On another note, if he attends a new interview and if they get to know this incident, he can justify by saying his previous company was toxic and he was pushed till he broke, adding he took emotion control classes after that. (He should attend such classes too)
Im saying this because we only read one side of story and give an opinion, I strongly believe nothing is lost and can be fixed.
Ok, that makes more sense. ??
Someone is ready for a baby and it ain't you. Rethink and then skedaddle.
I think if you look at anybody, it’s easy to imagine they deserve someone better. I’m sure my partner could do better than me. Maybe I could do better than them.
Kind of irrelevant. You got your man. That’s a win. It wasn’t some CEO lady who got him, it was you. Everybody else can suck it. Don’t give up a good thing; just keep working on yourself until you feel better.
Actually might not be a bad idea. This kind of manic behavior is a big suicide red flag.
Or start building a cot
This is behavior of an alcoholic, brain injury or not. His family are probably use to this and have already set their own boundaries (won’t get help til he’s ready) long before the TBI. This can’t be solved with flowers or moments of clarity or long talks. He’s an alcoholic. You’re getting into a relationship with an active alcoholic. You’re basically getting a preview of what your life will become. That and the age gap are big red flags. It’s not healthy for him to start a serious relationship right now. I would say take the same stance as his family, take a step or three back and let him seek out help. You can’t help him now. Sorry.
So… You've basically been using her all this time for your own benefit and letting her believe this was a real relationship. Sorry, but there is no way to “softly break up” in this situation. Be honest with her, tell her the truth and get TF out of her life so she can find someone who actually loves her for who she is and not just because she's “good for their mental health”. And absolutely DO NOT make any of this about her when you try to dodge accountability.
Um. Yeah this is a tough one. So much going for him! But I'd give this guy a pass. Call me picky.
There are eleventy-billion men out there who: don't pull guns on people, consider murder by hire a solution, or assault law enforcement officers.
Yeah I’m just gonna block him
Eh, you told him a truth, it hit home – he's guitar and you called him on it. It's done. Turns out if anyone's the “little girl” it's him, after all he went crying to the bride, so if the pretty frock fits what more is there to say.
Look, he doesn't want to face you, there's that pesky guilt again.
Advice: it's done, it's over with. You cannot change the past. He can't change what he did. The consequences are that dear old Bob can choose not to attend the wedding, which is really pathetic he should go to support someone who considers him a friend (poor Alice, turns out he's not her friend really) and all he had to do was nod at you and just not spend time with you – but he couldn't even do that.
So just treat it as the message was sent, I guess he was trying to manipulate the couple with guilt to have them remove you from the wedding. So just let it go and move on.
Agree. Don't make their wedding about you. Even if bob is there and does not nice, suck it up.
He sounds toxic and abusive af. He probably chose you because you're insecure and he figures easy to control. Do not ever date someone who will talk to you or women in general in such a disgusting way. He sounds like a women hater, and the fact that he blames women for men's behaviour is beyond f-d up. So if a girl gets raped and was wearing skirt, is it her fault?
Get out of this relationship asap.
I think gaslighting doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I also think that you’re making a lot of generalizations. Why do you feel the need to say “men like…”? Why can’t people just be individuals?
well basically my go to is I dont want to be annoying so im gunna stop bothering/stop texting kind of way to which he would respond with you’re not annoying at all so it was explicitly me asking but kind of openly doubting myself
Being friends 2. Becoming best friends and hanging out a bit while doing some cuddling 3. If she feels a connection from cuddling it will move to interest and flirting 4. Flirting has her “wanting” you 5. After she has fun with you if she got another connection and you've done a good job she'll date you. I've gotten to know her inside and out over the last 6½ months
Yup – ‘take her attitude’ and turn it into something sexy. A little role play. You don’t have to go full BDSM, just veer a little away from Vanilla. Like Vanilla+ or Mild Chili.
If it works, it works and if it doesn’t you’ve not strayed far enough away for it to be awkward.
Hours on end to literal days. Days, as in, with an “s” at the end.
I’ve told her in the past, like one or two texts a day with an occasional conversation is all I want. I have a full time job that keeps me extremely busy and she does as well. So I don’t expect nor want to text or whatever all day long.
But I’ll text her and assume she’s just busy and then find something else I wanted to show her or talk to her about and send that too but then it doesn’t get opened. It may not be opened for literally a day and a half. Which again, worries me because then I think something bad has happened. Especially with the shit weather we’ve been having lately.
I’m not the type to blow someone’s phone up if they ignore me or don’t answer right away. I don’t like that crazy “clingy” borderline controlling thing. I’m not trying to be that at all. I just don’t know what to do.
Leaving would communicte how hurt and disappointed you are. It will also ensure he never does this to you again
Also – drunk driving is disgusting and unless you refuse to ride with him and/or report him to the police you are enabling it
Yeah I hate shows with unsatisfying endings. It’s hot to stick the landing and this one missed by a mile.
OP, Tell your creative writing professor you need a little more time with this project. You need to get some more advice from Reddit before you can finish it.
Yea I agree with the resentment part. I think I have to decide if what I want currently is more important than my relationship and feelings toward her. I think she would be willing to compromise and travel to some countries with me. I think definitely if we open up the relationship she would have resentment toward me, its very unlikely she would agree to that anyway.
Thank you. You are right the decision isn’t easy, and sometimes more pain currently is better than long extended pain.
Yep. I work in the insurance claims business. This is a recipe for someone (including but not limited to OP and her bf) to end up anything from scraped up to having a severe spinal injury to dead. This would be a dealbreaker for me.
My advice would be to avoid a long-distance relationship. In my near 40 years of life, I have yet to see one survive and almost all of them involve cheating or suspicions of cheating. Even if she comes back and you want to try again, odds are your relationship will be tainted from the breach of trust.
My friend, google “stonewalling.” My therapist told me about it because my partner sometimes does this, too. It is extremely toxic and dehumanizing, even if they don’t consciously intend for it to be, it is. And it’s known as one of the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” for relationships because of just how toxic and damaging it is.
I would not stand for it. Period. Thankfully, my partner only does this very occasionally and is trying to work on never doing it at all. He’s aware it’s a problem and I’ve told him point blank we will not last if it continues. You should do the same. And set an internal timeline for yourself, whether it’s 3 months or 3 years, for when you will leave if there hasn’t been meaningful, lasting improvement. Because you cannot online the rest of your life like this, and your child should not grow up in a household where this kind of toxic behavior is tacitly considered acceptable or normal. Your son is watching and learning more than you even realize. No matter how great your husband is otherwise, this borders on emotional abuse. It is and should be a dealbreaker.
And do not listen to his BS justifications — “I ignore you because if I don’t, I’m afraid I’ll say something horrible” — really? So you, a 42 year old man, still haven’t learned basic communication skills? You, a 42 year old man, don’t trust yourself not to verbally abuse your wife? If he can’t communicate with his own spouse openly and respectfully in moments of disagreement, he is a child who is not ready for a serious relationship. And both you and your kid deserve better.
I’ll tell you what I’m doing. In my case, I am giving my partner time and space to work on this issue, because he is perfect and sweet otherwise, but MORE IMPORTANTLY, he has demonstrated a real and sincere desire to fix this. So in the meantime, while he attends therapy and works on this issue, I’ve told him that if he stonewalls me again… I’ll be leaving for a few days. Not out of punishment. But rather for my own mental health. My therapist suggested that if my partner isn’t going to talk to me anyway, there is no sense in forcing myself to live in a painful and dehumanizing environment. That will only make the resentment grow. They suggested I get a hotel room for a few nights and use it as an opportunity to be selfish, engage in some self-care, draw a warm bubble bath, go to the spa, enjoy a quiet meal alone, watch a movie I’ve been wanting to see, lose myself in a new book, spend some quality time with relatives (your son), etc. Basically live as though I’m single (minus any cheating) for a while. This has the dual purpose of 1) getting yourself and your child out of a toxic/borderline emotionally abusive environment, and 2) teaching your partner that this behavior won’t be tolerated, and that you won’t just sit there and passively accept it any longer.
It’s empowering, and you should try it. So much of stonewalling is about control — it puts them in the driver’s seat of the argument, it forces you to beg and plead for basic communication, which completely (and often intentionally) distracts from the substance of the original disagreement, and gives him all the leverage in the relationship.
Take it back.
Why would you want to even try to make amends? He fucked up your marriage on purpose. I'd just give him dirty looks the whole wedding lol fuck him. He knows what he did and he's just ashamed to see you now.
He needs therapy and he needs to be willing to change. Frankly it’s an absolute deal breaker for me. The bottom line with a hoarder is that the default is to online in chaos, anything you try to change means you’re (from the hoarders perspective) harming them. How about watching hoarders together and seeing if you can get him on board. If you can’t you need to leave and sell the house before it loses all its value.
Absolutely, if OPs wife had decided to keep her butt hurt AP instead of dumping him she would have left OP and never looked back.
Is it possible that he's an introvert?
He may not realise it himself, but he might just need a lot more time alone than most people do. It would explain why he can be nice and welcoming when you're together for a couple of days, but he becomes “cold” and more distant when you're there for a month.
At 23, he may lack some insight into his own nature and not realise what's going on. And it may be that he's too different from you to be able to resolve the issue. But it could be worth having a conversation with him about it.
I didn't say that comment about the pride….I said for the comment of another person. The bride was totally cool. I was answering another person ?
Just let her go. As someone pointed out, there’s probably dinner and drinks involved for relationship building.
The real issue here is, do you see yourself with her in 5 years? 10 years? Building a life together? If not, let her go, for both of your sake. Then you can meet people your more compatible with. This sounds like it’s less to do with the work meeting and sister visits (which are absolutely no big deal, you should let her go or you’d absolutely be controlling) and more to do with how unhappy you are. Give that some thought about what you want in this short life.
Because people are hypocrites and don't know how to be truly there for someone ?
If he was able to be with her then I would understand, but he’s literally not in the country so he’s not leaving her at all
he did get me off several times, i understand why he would be upset if i was masturbating after we had sex but again, i was asleep. i literally have no memory or idea i was doing it.
Just enjoy the good company and great sex for now. You both are not in a hurry to settle down right?.
Should have left her to the streets where she belongs.
There is no coming back from this because where you want to go back to was a lie. She only confessed because you confronted her, and you had no idea about it until her affair partner ratted her out. Your wife is not who you thought she was. In fact, the only things you know for certain are that she doesn't respect you and that she is a fantastic liar. Get tested for STDs because some can be symptomless, especially in men, for a long time. Then file for divorce. Don't waste any more of your life on her.
They don't sound emotional at all. They're explaining why what you said was inaccurate. Their comment is pretty dispassionate, they're just correcting misinformation.
It’s up to you whether this is important to you. Since it’s long distance it’s probably not a big sign as it’s harder to get you a gift. If you guys saw each other in person and there was no gift I would say be prepared to not receive gifts at nearly all gift giving holidays in the future. Up to you if gift exchange is important to you
Wow, I'm jealous of how much you trust your girlfriend. I was cheated on and I know right now I would struggle to fully trust someone, imagine when there is “proof”.
I'm happy the story has a happy ending.
I understand your girlfriend is hurt and lonely now, but her ex-friends weren't good friends. She'll probably see it in the future when she finds better people. How shitty can you be that not only you cheat on your partner, but also try to destroy someone else's relationship?
Also props to her for telling the guys that were cheated on. It's the right thing to do.
I don't mean her issues. I mean yours specifically.
She's just abusive, I don't see her posts anywhere here for me to say anything about her issues.
Your enabling his behavior. He promised not to send YOU another message but he's still going to cross boundaries with other people because you're allowing him to.
Yes. Emotional cheating can easily lead to an affair. Especially if the conversations are intimate.
Maybe you should start to engage in her hobbies and interests.
I mean, she sounds really cool and I probably would try to get in contact with her as she sounds really cool and a great person to have as a friend (strong personality).
She lives her online, she dressed as she likes. That is cool. That is a strong personality and a confident young girl. You really should be proud of her, take her to a comic con or cosplaying convention and get her some tickets to her favourite band. You don’t know what her favourite band is? Well, then it is time to actually listen to your daughter before it is too late.
her telling me I'm trying to start something by even asking about
She's cheating
Passive aggressiveness aside, It is entirely possible she doesn't feel like talking.
My advice is to strongly take her at her word and only her word. She says she is fine and treats her as if she is fine. If she doesn't want to talk, don't talk to her. Let her online and let yourself live as you both choose to.
She showed you something that made you anxious. You let her know and moved forward. That is really all you can do with another person. Continue to enforce your boundaries.
If she wants to be more positive and open, that's her choice.
It's your choice if you want to be with someone who is passive-aggressive and that you feel closes herself off fron you when something displeases her.
Ouch…
You deserve better & good luck
Thanks, I don’t know any of these.
Yeah, issue is he’s not really creating anything, he’s repeating back what he’s heard and what he thinks rap is.
Dude needs to switch it up, write a song about himself and the things he goes through in silence. Write about how being with you makes him feel.
I’m a fan of hip hop, more so the old school than the new, but he needs to learn something…
What he’s doing is conformity, not art.
I’m hoping he surprises you with a love song to a beat that slaps, I’m talking old school LL “I need love” type of track.
In all seriousness, I get he’s trying to follow the blueprint of what he thinks rap is, but disrespecting your girlfriend, or anyone else is low level bs. He needs to rise above that, if he wants to keep you.
Good luck.
Leave the country. Be wary of a similar experience with the next guy.
Leave the country. Be wary of a similar experience with the next guy.
No, she won't. Doing what the boyfriend wants isn't going to magically change his mindset that she should have to cater to his feelings, or his need for attention when she is dealing with trauma.
She needs to do what she decides on the time line that she decides is most appropriate because she is the one who knows her situation. And maybe that does mean catering to the boyfriends ego instead of what she thinks is best, who knows. Her choice.
Leave the country. Be wary of a similar experience with the next guy.
Depends on your definition of cheating.
Joint accounts can still get emptied by one party though!
Absolutely do not do this! If you feel like saving 50% of your income, open an account IN YOUR NAME ONLY and deposit your cash there. In no, way, shape, or form, should you grant him any kind of financial access or control. If and when you decide to purchase a house, make sure all your contributions are noted clearly.
No one can really say except her, if this guy was a girl friend then would it be an issue? She was obviously hiding it because a married woman texting a married man every day doesn’t look or sound good, but if you saw the texts and it’s mainly about music, and she admitted it and said she likes talking to him about music, maybe they are just pals that connect about music? I would ask if she feels like anything is missing in the marriage though.
Based on the other communities OP is in it seems like it
I read what you said. I understand you said the risk only applies to men, not women and there’s no benefit for the man (not really true, either). You just don’t like that your reason boils down to “you want to be able to leave the woman you’ve started a life with without the fear of losing half your stuff”. But that is. That’s exactly what it boils down to. And quite frankly, even as a man, I would not start a life with someone who wants to be able to walk away with no consequences. If you want to start a life with me, you need some skin in the game.
Tell him that you’re starting your own savings account. Don’t buy a house unless your name is on the deed, because if you bread up and it’s in his name, you don’t get your half of the equity back unless you’re married.
This isn’t something you want to marry into. This is only your first healthy relationship… you can have other ones where you don’t make your partner isolate their family because of these disagreements
You’re not going to like me saying this, but I can see a lot of legitimate reasons why your family might not like him. Are you sure they were being unfair to him? Or were they telling you that he treats you poorly?
Because admittedly this is a tiny window into your lives together, but in it he treats you very poorly indeed, in multiple ways.
Please we don’t need any more updates to your shitty fake story.
It's should be illegal to bait strangers into giving you fap material. ?
She didn’t lose anything, they were NOT her friends!
Please talk to a therapist and not Reddit.
It’s entirely fair and normal to apologize for someone’s behavior if it’s causing an issue of some sort. That is not disrespectful.
This sentence is meaningless without context. Obviously there are some things where this would amount to disrespect, by there are also many others where it wouldn’t be disrespect.
I wouldn’t consider this disrespectful either. Annoying? Sure. Disrespectful? That’s a stretch.
But note. You do not need to date someone you don’t want to date. There doesn’t need to be some deep rooted issue of disrespect to validate ending a relationship you don’t want to be in.
btw – im getting comment notifications for this post and cannot see any of them. ugh. not sure why
Idk if you’ll see this. Asked on your responses I can see alcohol isn’t the main issue, but obviously getting drunk can lead back to pills, etc. so your ex has some good reasons to be worried. I’m more worried about the gf’s reaction. If she knows the history between y’all than she should have been more understanding. It was asking for a brief moment to not have alcohol around to cause issues with your children’s mom. That’s a reasonable expectation, her response would bug me. If she loves you, she’d get why hiding the trulys for a little bit is best for everyone.
Leave him the hell alone
Any divorce lawyers in here who can give this man some advice to get out intact?
This sub doesn't care about that unless it's the woman's texts that are being read by the boyfriend…then, and only then, is it considered an invasion of privacy here ?
Is this just a GUY thing? No disrespect to all the super clean dudes out there, but is this just… common??
Sounds like it’s time for her to visit her obgyn.
Forget about what it’s labeled. It’s crossing the line for you. It’s crossing the line for anyone, but that doesn’t matter. It’s crossing the line for you.
So no matter what she tells you (she’s gaslighting you), she’s done something you find inappropriate and disrespectful. But you need to realize that if you establish a “line” and it’s crossed, then that line only matters if there’s consequences to those actions. The question is, what’s the consequence?
Did u take it? Heard it doesnt work if ovulated already.
And the religious crowd.
It only takes 3 years. So there's 3 levels to it once you graduate and it's a four year process in college. Entry level is 3 years, intermediate is 6 years and master engineer is 19 years. Once you hit 10 years your LITERALLY having your cake and eating it too. Every single master engineer that I know makes $50hr working 63hrs a week. So that's 23hrs over overtime which is time and a half by weekly. Calculate that into a month and then by a year. It's FUCKING ridiculous
Put your big girl panties on, but the test yourself because no matter how shitty he is for attempting to get your pregnant on purpose, this my darling, is your fault too. After you buy the test, take it. With or without his presence because YOU need to know. YOU will be the person carrying or aborting a child. This is YOUR body.
When you talked about it before did you give him actual examples like in your post?
You know who tended to “die when they were 40”? Women who’d been having kids back to back since they were 20 without modern sanitization or medicine.
Oh sure occasionally men might have gotten TB or an infected paper cut but let’s be honest about why a lot of marriages were comparatively short-lived back in the day and WHO was doing the remarrying (and carrying on with mistresses, anyhow.)
Therapy is definitely needed, not just couple’s therapy, but individual therapy to get YOU some support and help to process your own feelings about all this.
I dunno, the olden times by and large weren’t the greatest for relationships based on mutual respect and trust between the sexes and anyone thinking there’s some caveman logic to justify their urges to fuck around is sus in my book.
I agree. However it’s posts like the one OP made that really dredge up the trolls on both sides. On one side you’ve got the “everyone should be poly” idiots, and on the other you’ve got the puritan prudes who think even the mere whisper of it is a crime against humanity.
What I don’t understand is how this couple thought they were in a safe and secure marriage and the husband broached the concept and is now basically going to end up divorced. The whole ENM community preaches communication first and foremost but if even the idea means disaster how they hell is anyone supposed to bring it up?
I can see where he’s coming from and I don’t think he was wrong to ask how you feel about it. Obviously you are not ok with it and the subject should be dropped but personally if I’m not horny because my legs are killing me I will gladly trade a leg massage for a hand job and think nothing of it. I feel like it’s just helping him out if I’m not into having sex but he is and I would rather him ask than him going to hide and jerk off.
Especially since he's known her since she was 17…
So those friends would invite you separately from her?
Hopefully, that is all there is to it, but the current status quo she's got you in isn't fair to you and is pretty strange overall.
I broke up with a bf that asked for an open relationship and to online separately. Even when he changed his mind because he thought the relationship would only be open on his end.
I think you're focusing a lot on her not inviting you. That's totally valid. Are you making a point, getting revenge, or putting the relationship where it should be? Would you enjoy her company more than alone? Make the decision yo be happy rather than right.
well said! I hv been monogamous for 30 years & proud of it.
respect is earned not given
Yeah he can do so much better than you.
You don't deserve him.
If you actually care about him, end it so he can find someone who won't lie and deceive him.
Yikes UpdateMe!
Sometimes the suport people need is truth. OP1 assumes he's dating just to hurt her. Maybe it's not about her at all, maybe it's about him, and how he's dealing with the breakup. But regardless, they are not together, so what he does outside of the shared apartment is none of her business
The comment wasn’t saying that being a caretaker is easy and only ‘weak’ people can’t handle it. It’s purely about the GFs character.
She’s already shown with enough pressure from her parents, she will cave. And even said herself with their approval she wouldn’t have broken up with OP originally. This sort of flip-flop behaviour is going to make it harder for the two of them to commit to serious decisions. Her parents have made it clear—it’s either them or OP. She will have to make a choice, and choosing one will hurt the other regardless.
If her parents are going to guilt her and imply she’ll be at fault for her father becoming sick for staying with OP, and knowing she really cares about what her parents think, going NC (if she chooses to stay) is on the cards here.
Your post is going to get removed. How about you actually post your situation so you can get advice.
and oh yeah i don't want u to do any prep work because i want to get shit all over my dick”
how vile of you to say. You shouldn't kink shame anyone
I actually agree! I’m COMPLETELY content with being single, as it gives me a chance to find myself, I just thought it would be nice to date around and see what I really like and what’s out there. But you actually might be right! Thank you for your advice 🙂
OP won’t listen, but he’s definitely using you and no man should want to be with a girl he met when she was a minor
Nah, this 31 year-old just has so much in common with the teenager he's dating! They're kindred spirits! Lol.
This sounds so high-school. They ditched you so now you block their asses and do what us introverted ppl do. I prefer playing THE SIMS. I'm also in an introverted fb group where we turn on over camera's pointed at the computer and play “together” we talk when we feel like it. Those “friends” were definitely not a match.
Shoot your shot. Just be prepared for some immature bullshit dating a 19yo.
You should have some friends who are women… have them grind on you with only underwear and grab touch them ( all with consent , obviously)
See how she feels . Anyways stop being a push over and drop her ass asap and go find someone else
I agree and a big part of me thinks I should let her go and not chance putting any of them through anymore. As much as I love her and want to be a family again, I have done nothing but hurt them time and time again as well as be a horrible role model for my kids.
I semi agree, however I wouldn't say OP is the problem at all, more so the difference in mentality surrounding sex is.
Let's just say that when my wife of 32 years passed last May she knew that she was the ONE AND ONLY important person in my life and as soon as she was gone I wasn't shrugging my shoulders and jumping into some other person's bed. THAT is why I find this whole thing disgusting.
Your answer for “Why do you care about her feelings?” Should have been “Why don't you care about mine?”
Anything other than her just doing it and being chill about it shows she is insecure and jealous. It was such a simple act to help your coparenting relationship that it should have been completely trivial.
As a bad texter myself, I feel like he's just a bad texter.
So talk to him about it. 1-2 years is a very short period of time and if you're expecting a proposal around then, he needs to be made aware.
I think it would be wisest to break up with her. People can be imcompatible with each other even if they love each other.
You have incompatible desires regarding monogamy, and she cheated on you right after demanding monogamy and accused you of wanting to cheat on her in a way that suggests she considers non-monogamy a form of cheating and believes that you are unworthy of respect for being non-monogamous.
Man you are one lucky bugger , nice work spotting her bs , today is a good day for a lotto ticket. ?
If your not a troll go to the doctor and check for prostrate cancer
I don't want him to quit though, I guess I just thought one day a week of being sober would be okay. It really hurt that he just couldn't compromise.
It's not that I dislike weed, he's sarcastic and dismissive when he's high. I dislike that
I did tell the brother to inform him that next time there'll be legal consequences. I don't want him back anyways, he can keep pursuing me to hell and back.
And he stated he will have one, by another woman. It’s on his list and he’s doing it. The fantasy is another woman even if she doesn’t have teeth.
And he stated he will have one, by another woman. It’s on his list and he’s doing it. The fantasy is another woman even if she doesn’t have teeth.
I never said I was using anyone to do s*, that's something you made up and I recorded a kiss. Maybe I should tell my bff who is 23 to break up with his 33 bf because of the age gap…
You get your own plate – don't share ketchup, simple.
I love the original meaning of this saying so much and I love to see more people pointing it out. “The bonds we forge willingly are stronger than the bonds formed from obligation” is a much better lesson than, “Always support people who share genetics with you, no matter how stupid they act.”
There's a lot of good responses in this thread that I don't need to repeat
I want to add this
I'm wondering why if you're sober you're thinking people that are drinking to be intimate with. I'm not talking about an occasional glass of wine. I would invite you to think about that
I would also invite you to seriously sit down with your ex and have a long conversation about where you are with your recovery. It's time for the 2 of you to start developing a more honest relationship and maybe this is about your willingness to make amends and recognize why she's so triggered. You can of course assure her of your sobriety and how you want to be around your children.
If your girlfriend doesn't understand this she may not be the best girlfriend for you
No no no no, he's just trying to change the narrative now because he was only thinking of his pleasure, not yours!
How much more does she have to do to make it obvious to you that she's trying to baby trap you?
That’s the red flag ? you’ll kapok back on and wish you payed attention to….
I couldn’t imagine speaking to my SO that way… or he me.
His family likes to drink and we do too… I’m a supper but even in the most awkward or stressful dynamics… I’d not imagine him speaking that way to me or any of them…
I tried to think of a time when I wanted him to be quiet. The only time was when we first slept ? in the same bed. He snores. It’s violent snoring and he probably for sure has sleep apnea …
I gently rubbed his back and chest until he woke up…
He thanked me for not waking him violently or yelling at him to shut up…
So half sleep, getting no sleep, he wake me up scared the f out of me and still I had the instinct to be kind to him. I thought there were helicopters coming through the roof over me- is how bad his snoring was. ( now it’s white noise ). God this is boring but the point is… that woulda been understandable to say – hey shut up!! Even he said so…
The fact your FIANCÉ ???spoke to you that way in front of ppl…. You not addressing it IN A SERIOUS AS F WAY and or running away from it= ITS NORMAL AND OK.
Common theme I see on Reddit and it drives me crazy: OP starts talking about their relationship being perfect and the significant other is the love of their life…then by then end of the post and comments you realize OP and their mate have significant issues and should have never been together in the first place.
Hes 27 and acting like a 15 year old
Yea because he brought it up immediately after I brought up a toothless female at work. Have some couth if you wanna play the “I have a sex list that doesn’t include you” game
Yeah. Fuck it. Nothing left to say.
Be honest- tell Thunder that you are interested in his friend. You have never been together and he has been clear he wants to be friends.
If he gets upset – he is not a good friend
This^ get tested OP and it’s your move from here. Is this a deal breaker? Probably should be, but it’s your choice if you want to stay with someone who gets trashed and fucks randos at bars while in a relationship…..
Her inheritance is hers and should have no bearing on how expenses are split. When you get married, you'll have no claim to the inheritance.
I don’t think you have to jump directly to a divorce. Reddit is fond of that.
As someone who is polyamorous, I will tell you I have seen this type of thing before. Yes, it feels like the end of the world. But I wouldn’t throw in the towel. I would find a couples therapist who works with poly folks and swingers because they will have a frame of reference for this particular brand of disaster. And I would tell your husband that he needs to get his ass in there with you if he doesn’t want the two of you to end up in divorce court.
He has to talk about his jealousy and insecurity. You need him to talk about how you feel being fucking scapegoated. And someone needs to explain to both of you what NRE is (new relationship energy- basically being high on being hot for someone) and how those in it make dumbass decisions like thinking it is a good idea to pressure their partners into swinging.
I hope this works out for the best resolution for YOU. With him, without him. I’m so sorry this happened. As someone who has been ethically non-monogamous for a very long time: it breaks my heart that this was your experience.
your too old to be acting like this, are you gonna tell people you cheated back on your bf when you date them? i bet not, cause then youd be seen as the bad person cause cheating does not help when ending a relationship with a cheater
You should leave if you’re unhappy with this life. But think about whether your source of unhappiness is your marriage or the step kids, because if it’s the latter the problem would solve itself in three years once they both leave the house for college (which I hope you’re not paying for)
For I have several questions about how it even came to this in the first place
They've even told me numerous times that they don't consider me a parent and that they don't expect me to be a part of their lives once they leave for college.
Then why didn’t you stop putting in the effort? I mean why keep doing things that they’re saying they don’t appreciate?
She told me that when you date and marry a mother, you're committing to raising her children without expecting anything in return.
Why is this coming up a decade into the marriage? What was the previously agreed upon arrangement that you had when you got married? Why didn’t you revisit this agreement once you realized the kids don’t want you l?
I don’t agree with your wife one bit, a step parent has no obligation to be a well of endless devotion, their own dad should be doing that. But I understand your wife is entitled to whatever opinion she wants, in which case I wouldn’t be married to someone with such opinions in the first place.
Their financial situation is none of your headache, you should move forward with separation if you want (which frankly I would give what your wife said)
Their bio dad is mostly absent but they still see him once a year (he lives in another country)
I already paid for most their education, was planning to continue for college and we are looking for a first car for the boy. I gave up a hobby but it wasn't compatible with a kids life, turned down a job because the family couldn't follow me while their own father chose to work abroad,… to name a few.
I did it because I consider them family, but they clearly stated that they dont consider me a family back. Why should I continue?
Hey, when you have kids, you make fuck it up to where you get no love from them either. You still have to fucking raise them. Being any type of parent is a thankless job and it does suck. Yeah. If you date a mom you have to be ready to raise kids.
But here’s the beauty, you and your wife fucked this up. You two aren’t on the same page and that hurt your relationship. Probably shouldn’t have been a marriage if you weren’t ready to be a parent. But you and your wife fucked it up. You for not placing your boundary earlier and her for not explaining to you early on what being a parent meant.
I think it's the other way around.
I think that this person inside of you that you are currently feeling resentment for is a part of you that his behavior is drawing out.
And you know… if someone makes you feel that way and draws out the worst of you… That is not a good argument for a healthy relationship.
I would seriously reconsider your compatibilities and interests together, because… honestly I don't know where you guys are going with this.
Then he and his friend need to buy you out!
Clearly he’s not reasonable based on this post. And if they are living together and she chooses to put him out without warning, hopefully he doesn’t call the cops. I had to let my abusive ex continue to online with me.
Thank you, yes, this helps a lot. I know he doesn't mean any harm, but I'm not sure if he's willing to work on it. But I guess the only way to find out is talking to him.
Reread the parts from mom in OP’s text and I think you’ll find your answer… if this is a truthful recount of the story of course.
Wow that's horrendous. He's literally doing everything a dad should, and the kids still don't see him differently and his wife is basically like “deal with it.”
I feel so bad for OP
I got a short recording of him at my window already
It's alright OP “Hugs” some people are just not suited for a relationship with a single parent and it's okay. Your twenty years old your too young to settle you deserve someone you can have all to yourself and you can leave him
I mean, they’re better ways to ask for divorce than letting her find out you’re keeping secrets
You don’t. You caused an HR issue that if you don’t reveal your source, you will more than likely lose your job based on the fact that you went out of your way to divulge personal work information that wasn’t any of your business to know in the first place. It’s better to come clean than to lose your job to protect a coworker who was gossiping.
Word of advice, mind your own business. It’s good for your health
That means a lot to me. It was hot for a long time, but I’ve made peace with it, and I’m glad I didn't get an abortion.
I never told him I would find someone MORE attractive than him. He said it was on his list, he’s doing it no matter what and he gets a pass to do it. I said fine, if you get a pass for that then I get a pass as well but will find someone who has teeth to fuck, a hot guy.
Abortions aren't traumatic for everyone.
She doesn't owe him anything but her decisions do affect him. They also affect her child who is likely to have a worse outcome being raised by a single mother.
I know ive already tried multiple times i dont have anyone i can trust to help me
So I read something earlier in another thread. It was a dead bedroom forum and one poster said that their wife had seen something on TikTOk about couples with intimacy problems. And that at bedtime, every night they make out for 1-5 minutes. Maybe it leads to heavy groping or more, and maybe not. But it still creates an intimacy between the couple that has been lacking.
That being said, after a woman has a baby something happens with the hormones and libido. It’s like a switch. You can go from horny as hell during pregnancy to not even thinking about it afterwards. It’s a combination of exhaustion, recovery, self-consciousness, etc… it’s sort of like our bodies are in nurture mode, not pleasure mode. Childbirth does things to our bodies that none of us were ever warned about. And it can take a while to get back to normal. Eventually (hopefully) her drive will come back. But I am almost positive it’s not because she doesn’t desire you. She’s probably thinking YOU don’t desire her new body. It’s a real hot thing to come to terms with, a new not so great body that’ll never be like it was before.
What a terrible jerk he is. I’m so sorry. What a cruel thing to do to someone. Oh and make sure he is moving out tonight or give him his 30 days or whatever is best for you but legal.
Lol don’t think that those exist. Just surprised we didn’t hear the same old song and dance: I love her with all my heart she’s the love of my life I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her we never argue our relationship is perfect, except for this one huge life changing problem.
At least in this case it’s just a series of problems with no fluff.
You dodged a bullet
I can’t help but really sympathize for your child and the situation they’re being brought into. The unfortunate thing is whether you want him present or not, if doesn’t really matter. While it is your decision to keep the child, he could easily make the decision to not want the child. Meaning completely signing over rights and only financially supporting on paper through the courts.
Please be honest with your child too especially if he signs away his rights. Your child may have the curiosity to see him down later in life to seek him out. I know from watching my once bright, outgoing, kindhearted cousin turn to a depressive shell of her former self (with two attempts to unalive herself) because she was rejected when she tried to make contact with her bio mom. Bio mom basically said to never contact again, she gave her up for a reason and that they’ll only be strangers to each other.
I wish you all the best. No matter what, just know that you need to make not only the best decision for yourself, but what will ultimately be in your child’s best interest too. D
Leave
Yeah I’d be very cautious of someone who makes me feel guilty for hanging out with friends. Could very well get worse over time.
I have shared similar issues with partners. I have received the cold shoulder, been told it wasn’t that bad, or had them instead share their own traumas and make the conversation about them. There is no easy way to take in this information but there are a whole lot of wrong ways, and crying so she had to comfort you instead is one of them. In that moment you needed to show comfort and support so she felt safe.
You ask if it ruined the relationship and it might have even though it seems trivial. In my experience it is extremely hot to share intimate details like that and if proper support/comfort isn’t given in return, my body will reject the guy soon after because I no longer feel safe or seen. This is likely out of her control and unless she can identify it, it might be nude to reconcile.
Not just her life, also the life of this poor kid she's going to put through all this shit because she's selfish.
A happy ending….?
But I mean how is any of this OP's fault or childishness on her part? Her partner started a fight over ketchup, was she supposed to avoid a childish argument by just dipping ketchup his way and abandoning her preferences? That isn't healthy.
She did the mature thing by leaving when emotions started running high, and came back to ask that her bf doesn't speak to her that way or dictate how she eats. I see no way that OP could have avoided this that wouldn't be her just rolling over and eating how her boyfriend wants.
Don't get me wrong, this is totally a nonsensical argument, but what was the “not childish” way for OP to even handle this?
So did he go and pay for himself or for him and the friend?
I'm asking bc there's a difference between 80 and 160. Also, who suggested the place?
My abortion had no pain medication offered. I felt every second of it. Southern US. This is after they made me look at the ultrasound, verbally acknowledge the heartbeat, wait 24 hours, come back, look at the ultrasound and acknowledge the heartbeat a second time, and then I was allowed to terminate. No medication. I sobbed through the whole thing, I was in pain for days afterwards. But keep telling everyone that your experience is the only experience. You do know that aggressive assholes like you are half the reason why we can’t have honest and reasonable conversations about abortion in this country, right? The other half is aggressive pro life republican assholes, and after reading the vitriolic shit you’ve posted in this thread, I’d rather deal with them.
I love how he said in his post how he wished he wanted you near him “to help” you if necessary. Yeah. Help you help him get an apartment.
She is your Ex. Regardless of your feelings for her. She is capable of taking her own decisions, and is not your responsibility.
Stop focusing on her and spend time on your self if you are really worry ask a friend of her to keep an eye on her.
Oh and: stop getting in the car when he’s driving. No more. Never again.
Next time he might actually do it
Dude needs his sleep. You are being totally CRAZY, and way too needy. Get a therapist and stop sucking him of his energy. This is unacceptable behaviour. Wise up.
Rejecting someone because they're trans would be if you were dating a man and they came out as being a trans man. Maybe. Even that could be because of the lying. But this is not rejecting her because she's trans, since OP would reject any woman.
Technically we liked each other for a while before that and we both felt like we were already dating before he officially asked me out a month ago. But still, I feel like it’s unhealthy to argue this much in the early stages of a relationship ?
Do you have any other piercings?
Dump him. Do you know how many people look up addresses (street views) to know where parking is, what the location looks like, to look at neighborhoods when considering moving, out of curiosity, etc., etc., etc.? He is an ass. If after 1 month he is this big of a jerk it will go swiftly downhill from here.
Lesbian sex is way way better than straight sex and there is no penis is sight
This is probably why you're getting the downvotes.
The rest of what you wrote is true. If I have a choice between a clit toy and a insertion toy? Always choose the clitoral.
how is it over????
Why a woman and not another man?
Try to remember that your size isn't something that can be changed; it would be as if she said you were the wrong skin color.
For many women, bigger isn't better and how the man treats her is far more important to the quality of sex than an extra inch or two of penetration.
Ultimately, you may need to suss out whether your partner feels satisfied in bed and, regardless of whether she is or not, why she would bring it up this way. Talk this out and then decide if this is something that you two can move past together or not.
A common problem with people high in narcissistic traits is that they're unable and unwilling to take responsibility for their own actions–this is one of the reasons they do so much damage. It's always “someone else's” fault. There's no point trying to make him see that he's being horrible and frightening. He knows, but hes so mentally damaged his ego won't allow him to consciously and honestly admit it.
This is unkind of you. You need to break up with her.
Don’t be in such a rush to give up your youth. Babies are not toys. They are loud, smelly and sticky. You will get very little sleep and lose all of your free time. You don’t even have your own place to online nor the money to buy diapers. You are not ready no matter how much your gf wants to play house.
Yup. I'm nearly twice my ex's size.
She had me cowering behind doors while she got power tools to try and break them down. A dozen or more full strength kicks to my back while I lay in bed….
Shit is scary and my life and emotional health got so much better the minute I left her
Do you think that by suffering in the cold car for hours it proves you love him? Honey That is not love. You need to break up with him and work on your self esteem because if you don’t focus on yourself you will just repeat this behavior with the next guy!
When people show you who they are, believe then the first time.
Ex*
Time to bail on her
Are the antidepressants working? Is he going to therapy?
It sounds like you need to see a therapist. This issue isn't about him, but moreso you.
She doesn’t need forgiveness for expressing a truth that is bothering her. Use a sleeve. Work with what you have and find solutions. Shame will just ruin the relationship.
She's only 9, so you have been effectively filling a “Dad” role in her life for most of her aware life, it's good that her bio dad and her have a great relationship and you are all comfortable in it. “dad” is more than just being her parent, its how you influence her in all your actions and what she sees and feels towards you and she obviously feels that you are “dad” as well.
I'd actually mention it to your wife and see what she thinks, i don't think it will be such a big deal if she occasionally uses it, or if shes comfortable using it all the time if she wants, sometimes for kids, it must be hot to have to call the person who lives with your dad or mum, by their first name when you consider them more important than that.
I'd say that possibly she has referred to you that way accidentally to her mom and its not a big deal.
I'd say it must feel great though to be that highly thought of.
I found this nude to read, a real trigger post for me,
What I will say to OP is when someone tells you who they are, it is on you to listen.
Your husband is telling you he is violent, he is telling you he doesn't respect you, he is telling you he gets to decide if you online or die.
It is on you to listen to him and put your safety above all else, please get help to leave him safely
To drop my 2c…
You can specify boundaries for a temporary break-up. You could specify
“We just need some time apart to think but we're still married and will respect our vows” or “We're separating with the possibility of a full split. We are committed to attending couples counselling and working towards a reconciliation however we are free to see other people as part of our decision-making as we navigate our future.” or “We're broken up but if we get back together so be it”
Your issue seems to be that you have not had this conversation. Let's say that you do reconcile, you'll need to compartmentalise what she does during this break as not part of your marriage. You also need to watch for feelings of 'revenge sex' where you , convinced of her infidelity, sleep with someone else only to find that she was telling the truth and the only cheater is you.
Her going on a date is part of her seeing what life is like without you. Your response, if you still want her, is to be dazzling so that you can show that life with you would still be better. The key question is 'Do you want to?'
Here's the thing, no matter how kind you are and no matter how distracted she may be by other concerns, the likelihood is that she is already noticing you pulling away. I would have thought it would be much crueller to keep someone in suspense, worrying about what is happening, than to just pull the band aid off. You can choose to continue to offer support as a friend, but it doesn't seem like the best option to just keep hanging around indefinitely out of guilt.
She remembers.
Read this pretending a little sister or your best friend came and told you all this. What would you say to them?
So let me get this straight, he freeloads off you, beats you, guilt trips and gaslights you, and yet you're the one trying to fix the relationship? What kind of man is that? A man should be treating you with love and respect, not lording this over your head and turning you into his punching bag and taking advantage of your money and guilt. Look at it from an outside perspective.
I think she’d have picked up on him dealing a long time ago.
“I think the fact that she lied to me has really impacted my ability to trust her”
No shit, Sherlok!
Once that trust is broken… I'd honestly just leave, there is no way in hell that you are not going to question what does she really does when she's working, and every other moment.
You could have accepted what she dows for a living… you staill can.. but what you should not accept under ANY circumstances is to have a liar gf.
If you do, next time she lies to you, the fault is 100% yours.
You are not being to dramatic. this is gross and this was totally his way of checking if you would be open for this.
never see his face again”
You can only pray for miracles. Why stay with this twat who abuses you ?
It's just that we've been best friends since kindergarten and we're very close. We've fought before but never like this. I miss her a lot.
He went through your phone because he didn’t trust you lol but expects the same courtesy? Dude is cheating.
Seconding this. Her daughters may feel differently about him even if he appears respectful on the surface.
Whilst it’s probably nothing to worry about, if I personally were in that situation I’d feel a bit weird watching “teen” porn when I have close contact with actual teenagers even though I know that the women in the videos aren’t actually teens. Throw in the rise in popularity of “step” porn then it would feel even more gross and weird to me.
I think OP needs to have an open and honest conversation with her daughters firstly to make sure they don’t feel uncomfortable around him, then speak to the partner about her concerns and watch carefully how he reacts.
I will ask her in a few days. But it's over. I have given it my best. I just want to find out how can I change so I am not attracted to someone like that next time.
I am into older women, how would ik? I just gave my opinion on what the situation could be
I'm saying maybe he had a change of heart?
Also, when you marry someone, you marry their family.
So I wouldn't have banked on her cutting her whole family off for life.
Oh, we weren’t going out, I was at home and wanted to order inexpensive delivery since we didn’t have ingredients to make dinner at home, and the store was closed already. It was bad planning on my end, I should’ve bought myself groceries. He knows where my cash is because I don’t feel like there’s a need to hide it from him. I know he wouldn’t take it for no reason. So I place it in one of the drawers and he’ve seen me doing it. Im embarrassed because I don’t want to come up as rude, and I find money talks very awkward in general. I was assuming that he needs money back right away that’s why I allowed him to take it from my cash stash, I guess. Again, I absolutely hate taking about money and I always feel bad to ask him to get food ect. I don’t like asking people to pay me back, I hate reminding people about money they owe me, I hate discussing who’s paying for dinner this time and all that – it’s not just with my boyfriend. I’m guessing I don’t have a clear boundary when it comes to money therefore I’m easy to take advantage of. And it’s sad to realize that I’m also being ungrateful to my parents by doing so.
It depends what he's looking at. There is the “regular” teen porn and then there are the ones where they look like little kids. Marketed as Teen but they have pigtails, stuffed animals and cartoon underwear. I would be concerned if it fit that category. The performers are still 18+ and it's not illegal.
The truth is that I feel blindsided and resentful.
If you're resentful to a degree that you're unwilling to work on any sort of compromise, your relationship cannot be saved.
Let's say, for arguments sake she will NOT cut her father from her life, and you will NOT allow her father to be in her life with you around.
Where is the middle ground? When you're so dug in to the point of refusing to budge, you're kind of screwed.
I went to a lot of therapy for my own issues last year and loved it. I feel so much better and healthier.
I've tried to encourage him to go to therapy for over a decade. He agrees it might help him finally, but he still isn't taking that leap.
Couple's counseling we've certainly talked about. I just.. I don't know. Maybe it's not wanting to drag him there. Maybe I would like for him to get therapy on his own first.
Thank you for confirming it's not okay. Twice a month seems reasonable to me now because it used to be daily and I was walking on egg shells around him just wondering what I would do that day to upset him. But since I've gotten my own therapy and he got a new job, and he is improving slightly since I started pushing back, we've been much happier.
I feel like I need to reiterate that outside of this he really is amazing. I think he people pleases so thoroughly for every single person around him, I'm the only one that sees him like this and he lets it all out in me.
Okay so a boundary here is yelling. We'll have to define yelling with eachother, but I'm certainly guilty of it too.
Do everything in your power to not see either of them again. Find a different roommate/accommodation, whatever you have to do.
Living with her has disaster written all over it.
You're a teenager. Do not get married yet.
He’s paying her bills too
PornHub
yeah not to be an asshole but that’s what i was thinking. i get that he was blindsided and she told him that she cut him off but idk…it’s a lot to think about when it comes to your and your children’s futures.
How much could he have valued your relationship if you had to end things the first time around because he was toxic and treated you badly? People don't change so drastically in such a short space of time.
I'm sure some people will disagree, but you don't need to convince him of anything. He wanted to be back with you, so he needs to decide whether you seeking out (but not going through with) a hook up whilst newly single is something he can deal with.
If I were you, I'd be very concerned with his previous behaviour though. Any sign of that rearing its ugly head again and you should just throw in the towel. You did break up with him for a very valid reason, after all.
People injecting chaos for the dramatic effects
Tell him no thanks. That he should buy whatever he wants and you’ll be staying in your place where you’re comfortable and can afford it.
Please tell me you don’t already online together.
We were on a break!!!
See seasons 3-10 of Friends to see how this played out.
Um. No.
Say no to dinner. You can simply explain that you cannot do dinner with her out of respect for your wife (boundaries).
If it were me, I’d flat ask her (in email format for CYA purposes) why she can’t have a meeting with you in the office. Tell her she’s more than welcome to schedule a meeting to discuss whatever it is she needs to talk about. That should squash it if it’s truly is not work related.
The only other thing I can think of is if she has info you’re not privy to and it’s something she shouldn’t be sharing with you. But I still wouldn’t go to dinner even for that. Plenty of other ways to discuss office gossip.
Yes, and healthy relationships involve people who don't make unilateral decisions without considering their partner's feelings.
It's not like he's gonna duct tape her to the wall to prevent her going ffs.
He is well within his rights to not want his partner to go to a club where men will swing their dicks in her face.
She is well within her “rights” to ignore those feelings and go anyway.
There will be consequences either way, but it seems to me that ignoring your partner's feelings to party with mom is a pretty shitty thing to do.
Thank you. I actually offered to wait at the finish line for her last night. So right page there. Glad to hear this is a me problem. What I struggle with is what to bring up with her and I don’t think this is something to bring up, I’m happy to work through this emotion and trust/support her. Solid advice.
thank you for your input.
It sounds like your husband has fertility problems. Has he seen a doctor?
The kid is probably your Ex’s. Say nothing unless someone has a DNA test and forces your hand.
Don’t put her name on your property. ??
I guess that was my concern, that he might be subtly emotionally manipulative. I don’t have much experience in that field and just want to make sure I’m not missing something.
My guess is she doesn't want her son to have a different last name than her. Is she big on appearances? Maybe she's worried people will judge her? Just a thought. You're right to not want to do that. This kid has an active father. He doesn't need a new father, he needs loving and supportive adults in his life.
I think you’re right about that and I’m looking into my therapy options. But I’m just skeptical changing numbers would do anything because he can always find the number/address online
Well.. that’s how I feel.
What should I say then?
Run run run.
I would talk to her and just tell her that you want to wait until her son is a little older and he can make the decision for himself. It's not that you are non accepting of her son. You are living all together so what's a last name matter anyway? Let the kid make the decision. Also if I was his dad I would be pissed about it to be honest.
Girl no. You are not his bed warmer or bang maid.
I agree that the son should have a say. He's a person, not a pawn in the fiancee's game or bargaining chip or accessory. Eight is definitely old enough to understand and have an opinion.
My parents divorced when I was 6 and my mom went back to her maiden name. She asked me if I wanted to hyphenate my name to add hers (and made it clear that was what SHE wanted). I didn't want to. My name would have been insanely long (think seven syllables of two not-common/easy to spell names lol) and I just…didn't want to? She ultimately understood and dropped it. I'm grateful she didn't press it.
Therapy for the two of you to resolve the communication issue.
Individual therapy for the both of you to come to terms with what is learned from couples therapy.
This is life changing to both of you, It seems you both have lost touch with each others needs
Your mom is still obviously very hurt about your dad’s infidelity. If there is a chance for them to get back together and succeed, your mom is going to have to learn how to trust your dad again. That might mean individual therapy for each of them, couples therapy, or both.
RED. FLAG. This man who, by all accounts seems reasonable, would rather let his son change his name than deal with the woman you're about to marry. You should honestly be worried.
Don't do this. It's honestly unreasonable simply because the dad is in the kid's life. Your fiance isn't acting in a rational manner over this and I'd really look at this situation holistically to see if this is a pattern or some weird ass one-off.
Regardless, do not do it. If the kid decides when he's an adult that he wants to change his name then by all means. However, if the only thing the defines “family” to your fiance is a last name then she's going about life all wrong.
I know several different children whose mothers changed their names when remarried. The children were all 5 and older. Their motivation to be honest was primarily to not be identified immediately as a divorcée or children of divorce, cut ties with the past, and promote the step as primary parent. In every case the children were deeply hurt as adults and asked questions about why their fathers gave them up. Ironically and sadly the mother’s also divorced the step parent so the children suffer identity issues.
Imagine a 32 year old drooling over a 19 year old in public, that doesn’t sound creepy at all to you?
Think about it. You both come home after a long day. He’s telling you about stressful work was. They have some new kids out of college on the job that are clueless and annoying, and then he goes off to pay his mortgage for a little. You’re bummed out cause the college cafeteria ran out of pasta at lunch, and you need to study for your English 201 class that they force all underclassmen in college to take.
Still seem normal?
This is fixable. Don't run at the first challenge.
There's a book by an attorney that discusses prenups and includes the negative impact of “reasonable” clauses:
the generous prenup (how to support your marriage and avoid pitfalls) by Laurie Israel.
The issue raised by your fiancee is real and shared by many. And if not addressed undermines a marriage.
I'm impressed your fiancee is so self aware.
I don't have an answer but I'm sure you can research it.
Has she played? Have her try playing with you as a bonding exercise. I play gamed with husband. We get a bit competitive? But it is all in good fun.
If she tries Valorant, you can try something she enjoys that you don't participate in. It gets you both out of your comfort zones. Could be fun.
She didn't get divorced, they broke up shortly after she gave birth to her son.
Note, what I mean to say is that I really want us to have the same last name, I don’t care if mine comes first or second, if it’s hyphenated, or if it’s just two names next to each other. But this is something that is really meaningful to me.
That sounds like my mother, so fixated on what she wants and never yielding, it's awful the only way I've been able to deal with her is say yes to everything and then never actually do it. I've tried to reason, I've tried to explain my emotions like a psychologist suggested, I've tried to bring up contradictions in how she treats other people and those options all don't work.
If he is a gift hostage, he should tell his girlfriend so that they are on the same page.
Other than that, kids above partners.
You're welcome, good luck! It could be as simple as her just not having considered your perspective enough.
No technology has a 0% failure rate, and even if a vaccine works perfectly you could lose immunity
I don’t understand why he just simply doesn’t try to take better care of his teeth then? I mean sure he has problems that require actually going to the dentist, but just simply brushing better, using a water pick, and some mouthwash would probably alleviate this problem of the stank breath a bit.
She doesn't respect your beleifs and you don't respect hers.
Thanks for your reply. When we got married I quite honestly had a very messy view on relationships. It also doesn't help that I was raised involved in a church that encourages husband's to set down unhealthy boundaries. I'm sorting it out but this problem to me seemed like more of a lifestyle standard that we had somewhat agreed upon although I still had disagreament with his opinion and it somehow turned into a “boundaries” for him.
Y’know, someone doesn’t have to understand why you’re feeling something to take it seriously and care that you’re upset.
Does he have low self-esteem? Maybe! Is he an a-hole? Yep! Completely. And, this is on him to fix or not as he chooses. This is not a you problem. This is not something you’re responsible for.
You cannot fix him. That’s up to him.
So, if you leave him and he thinks he really is an a-hole? Good. He’d be right. Accurate assessment. He can learn from that or not. Up to him.
Anyone who needs to make their partner prove themselves is not someone who can be in a healthy relationship. That is not healthy, that is not fair, that is manipulative.
Healthy adults deal with insecurities by communicating and respecting each other.
And…you have absolutely no guarantee that he’s going to change if you stay? How do you know he’s not going to get worse instead of better if he knows you’ll put up with him acting like this? How do you know this is his worst? Maybe it’s his best. This is the honeymoon part of your relationship. That does not bode well for where it’s going to go if you stay.
Please don’t stay.
thanks for your comment – I just spoke with her today and she told me she felt sorry for all that she'd put me through and expressed hope that things would get better for me…to which I just acknowledged with a thumbs up to avoid showing any of the emotions I felt when she said that. The one thing I wanted to tell her was to reiterate that I think she needs to seek help…but I decided against it to save myself another emotional rollercoaster.
She just told me that if I keep acting like this she's going to break up with me after I explained it.
you don't want to leave him after all this crap? then why are you even posting!?
you are only 21, too young to have all these crap happening to you & I believe no one deserve to be cheated on.
if he ever loved you then all these should NEVER EVER happen to begin with.
he even said “he thought about seeing her when he was invited over during her last visit”. The sexting & your relationship was discussed + nudes were exchange – its blatant disrespect!
hey who are we to stop you from staying with him but cheaters don't change. he has a lot of growing up to do & learn boundaries in relationships. no relationship will last once the trust is gone. Even hookups has a bit of trust to enable physical pleasure to happen.
Personally? He felt so completely guilty that he hid all trace of her, snuck on your social media to get ahead of her contacting you by blocking her, and nothing but silence from him to you. I wouldn't trust a partner like that. People fuck up sometimes. He fucked up and did things so you'd never find out. Guess he forgot to block her off of your Facebook. Different strokes and all.
This man is not meeting your needs. Time to move on if you are not happy.
Every day, every minute you spend with him or thinking about him is keeping you from moving forward and finding someone who is a better fit. Let him (and yourself) go. You can then move forward with your family, career and hobbies and be open to what may come in the future.
Yes
That has to suck. It's probably an arranged marriage with a lot of family pressure, expectations, and feelings of “duty” behind it.
Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem mature enough for therapy. Therapists don’t like their nostrils or belly fat pinched.
It sounds like your not happy with your job, have you not looked into finding something with a similar salary that is at least closer to where you are?
Yeah 300k is only 3x their annual salary – depending on how big the deposit is, they probably will have a very reasonable mortgage if OPs partner agrees to an equitable financial split.
Where I online, a modest 2 bedroom unit in the outer suburbs (so shitty public transport, less amenities around, a 1.5 hour trip to my work) costs like, 10x my annual salary (I make 41k before tax).
I’d message her and say I noticed you do porn, no judgement but did bf pay you? This way she gets defensive enough to tell you the truth. Otherwise she probably knows about you and doesn’t care. It was a casual sex road trip. Even if he didn’t cheat, all the other things are more than enough. These are boundaries that don’t need to be hashed out after 3 years together. Walk away you are worth more than this. You deserve better and better is out there.
So it’s pretty clear that she cares more about him than you. Sorry bro.
A date is exactly what I was thinking. OP, I don’t think this girl is too committed to you or she wouldn’t be entertaining this creeps advances let alone agree to go on a date, I mean for drinks
I know very well it's not my fault – the situation honestly affirms my decision in breaking up with her was right. I'm just upset she won't have not even a bit of a positive outlook on the relationship after all we've been through. I'm debating on sending her a message about it, but it's probably pointless.
Having an OF does not mean you don’t care if someone you are sleeping with is actually cheating. Having an OF also does not mean full in person services are part of your business. He’s the on in the relationship, he’s the asshole, we don’t know a thing about her, nor do we really need to.
It’s a bad idea. See if he or his family will buy you out of your half and take someone else. That way you have the money and you can go on another cruise another time.
Come on please don’t do it please you know it’s dumb!!! Sharing a bed with your ex?? I believe you that he’ll respect your boundaries but will you respect them?? You’re going to want to hold him and kiss him and more am I wrong
thats a good point. thank you
I see it as a non issue as long as it isn’t interfering with your sex life.
I watch porn because masterbation is relaxing, low effort and all about me. Porn allows fast access to all kinds of nude women doing all kinds of wild acts.
We have sex just about every other day so it isn’t ruining our sex life. I know her boundaries pretty well so don’t try convincing her to do all the sideshow shit you see online.
As far as porn being toxic, sex work is work. It’s their choice what they will with their lives. I appreciate their service. Wish I could get into the industry (and also make as much as the women do)
Yeah 1) stop sleeping with him for a start ??♀️ 2) I'd 100% divorce him I'd also make it known what he has done in divorce proceedings.
From now on leave the exchanges of children and talking about the children to your mother, cut him out completely, this is a manipulation and abuse and I'd never be able to come back from this.
Speak to you mom, you choice whether you tell her what he was planning or just say he done someone unspeakable and I would like all communication of the child to go through you and you relay the messages to me and so the swapping of the children to be done by you as well from this day forward.
Also relay the message to your ex.
As of this moment I am blocking your number, all communication about the children will be done now through my mother as will pick up/drop offs. What you was doing is unforgivable and not something I can or am willing to work past.
Speak to a lawyer ASAP/today and start divorce proceedings and child custody agreements.
Don’t worry bout it
Yeah he was so worried about the condom coming off
Thank you for taking your time to reply and also be a kind person.
I was in school for a little but I was also working. I’ve worked full time in and out of school. My boyfriend was busy “chasing a dream” but more often than not i’d come home to him playing video games.
He isolated me from my friends and family and made me think the only person in the world who wanted me was him. He would tell me I just have jobs not a career and that I needed to do better. He wanted me to work+ clean the entirety of the house. \ take care of our pets
The car was in his name because at the time my abusive mother destroyed my credit. I wasn’t on the lease for this very reason even though I contributed to bills through cashapp.
Because of all this I had no ground to stand on. I’ve been paying for a pretend life is how it feels. I am now without a car or place to online. My 10 year+ best friend was supposed to be there for me (the only time i’ve ever needed her despite being there for her constantly) and she ended up fucking him instead and now has decided that she wants to live with him instead of me.
So at the end of all of this, there is no winning scenario everything sucks lol.
Thank you for taking time to comment or reply to a post I made asking/seeking advice. You’re a kind stranger. I hope your pillow is always cold. ??
I think you come off as a bit much, but whether that’s the case or not, he seems like a horrible partner.
You’re right to be upset about it, but now what? He obviously doesn’t agree. Do you just let it go?
She needs some serious mental help. You need to take her to her mother's, let her family know that she tried to kill herself by jumping out of a moving vehicle on the freeway and that you are no longer going to be in a relationship with her because she puts your life in jeopardy. And then go home and anything that she may have at your house, box up and either put out in the front yard or take it to her mother's and then walk out of this girl's life before she takes yours with her
He wants to go 50/50 when you make less than 25% of his income.
He’s dreaming.
This does not work for you at all. You’re not financially compatible because he has an unrealistic expectation of you. Talk to him. Be upfront. You can at best contribute 25% to this arrangement. He will have to foot the other 75% or find a more compatible partner with a similar income bracket.
Sounds like you’re not comfortable with an open relationship.
“hey honey, I don’t think I’m OK having an open relationship can we reevaluate? “
What a gamble! At this stage you like the idea of him as you dont really know the reality of him yet.
Why the fuck are you even in contact with such family?
I don't understand how people find themselves in these kind of situations.
Regardless of whether he's married or a catfish, you are uncomfortable and unhappy with the situation so why do you continue?
Luckily you're only 2 months deep and not 2 years. Give an ultimatum to meet. If he doesn't show up then you have your answer on the next steps to start moving on and placing your energy else where
I cannot say this loudly enough – do not prioritize this or any other romantic relationship over your education. If you have the opportunity to secure your future independence do not compromise that, it's the single most important thing you can do.
I hate being that person, but this would be a dealbreaker for me – divorce is now inevitable.
You cannot trust the man you are expecting to sleep next to. He sabotaged your birth control to manipulate you. Trust is the foundation of any relationship, I personally could never trust someone who would do this to me again. You're questioning the conception of your youngest because of what you've witnessed.
(I would ask him three questions over text so you have them in writing: has he done this before, what did he expect the outcome to be, and what does he think will happen next. If he denies ever doing it before, I'd reply “but I can no longer trust that you're being honest with me.” But I have a very, very low tolerance for male bullshit.)
Should I also tell how I found out? I am really scared tbh
OP, she wants to fuck him. You enabled that desire and now she's going to make a decision about how much she wants to still fuck him. I'm sorry to say this, but I would anticipate an affair if I were you, and prepare accordingly.
i agree with her opinion entirely? i was asking her whether or not she thinks saying the “kill all men” phrase has a negative impact on men or not. in my opinion it does, but i am also aware that women have gone through enough suffering to justify just about anything at this point, that's all. i am not taking away from the oppression women face day to day, it was just a question? you seem upset by this. i guess you're correct though, i agree with 99.9% of her point(?)
i'm bringing it to reddit to ask for people's opinions on the situation, not to act like the hot done by one, what would i gain from that?
and i'm sorry, just to get this straight, am i not allowed to ask questions in this scenario? and even if i did have a different opinion, am i in the wrong for that?you're phrasing it like i'm purposely acting in some sort of way to cause issues between me and my girlfriend and that is actually ridiculous considering you don't know either of us.
i never questioned my girlfriend about feminism we were talking about it for about an hour before this even took place, and we frequently have discussions about these topics. i am aware of countless issues women face on a day to day basis and i actively try to be a better person for my girlfriend and the other women in my life, i'd like to think i am doing a pretty good job already but thank you 🙂
i agree with her opinion entirely? i was asking her whether or not she thinks saying the “kill all men” phrase has a negative impact on men or not. in my opinion it does, but i am also aware that women have gone through enough suffering to justify just about anything at this point, that's all. i am not taking away from the oppression women face day to day, it was just a question? you seem upset by this. i guess you're correct though, i agree with 99.9% of her point(?)
i'm bringing it to reddit to ask for people's opinions on the situation, not to act like the hot done by one, what would i gain from that?
and i'm sorry, just to get this straight, am i not allowed to ask questions in this scenario? and even if i did have a different opinion, am i in the wrong for that?you're phrasing it like i'm purposely acting in some sort of way to cause issues between me and my girlfriend and that is actually ridiculous considering you don't know either of us.
i never questioned my girlfriend about feminism we were talking about it for about an hour before this even took place, and we frequently have discussions about these topics. i am aware of countless issues women face on a day to day basis and i actively try to be a better person for my girlfriend and the other women in my life, i'd like to think i am doing a pretty good job already but thank you 🙂
i agree with her opinion entirely? i was asking her whether or not she thinks saying the “kill all men” phrase has a negative impact on men or not. in my opinion it does, but i am also aware that women have gone through enough suffering to justify just about anything at this point, that's all. i am not taking away from the oppression women face day to day, it was just a question? you seem upset by this. i guess you're correct though, i agree with 99.9% of her point(?)
i'm bringing it to reddit to ask for people's opinions on the situation, not to act like the hot done by one, what would i gain from that?
and i'm sorry, just to get this straight, am i not allowed to ask questions in this scenario? and even if i did have a different opinion, am i in the wrong for that?you're phrasing it like i'm purposely acting in some sort of way to cause issues between me and my girlfriend and that is actually ridiculous considering you don't know either of us.
i never questioned my girlfriend about feminism we were talking about it for about an hour before this even took place, and we frequently have discussions about these topics. i am aware of countless issues women face on a day to day basis and i actively try to be a better person for my girlfriend and the other women in my life, i'd like to think i am doing a pretty good job already but thank you 🙂
My partner and I have spoken about and tried out fantasies that one or both of us later realized didn’t feel good and actually kinda felt bad. The one important thing I’ve learned is that I refuse to let my sexual desires and fantasies be more important to me than her comfort or happiness, and I expect her to treat me the same (which she fully and wholeheartedly does).
Her unwillingness to read your discomfort and drop this whole idea until you’re both feeling it again (if you ever do) is troubling. This is supposed to be something that is fun for all three of you. She seems too caught up in the excitement to remember that sex can be vulnerable and feelings can change.
It may also be helpful to do some internal work and value yourself and your abilities, especially outside of the size of your dick (the importance of size is way overemphasized, and they can be big enough to be painful). Those insecurities can be worked through and don’t have to be a dealbreaker. Threesomes seem glamorous, but sometimes they aren’t immediately gratifying; they can cause feelings of jealousy or inadequacy because they’re an entirely new situation and that can feel scary and unfamiliar.
Sounds like you might be just a little bit jealous. I also suspect that if your fwb had a hot cousin who was really interested in you, you would see absolutely no problem with dating him, and would be surprised at the suggestion that you might be doing something wrong.
If you want fwb to be your boyfriend, talk to him about this without delay. If not, then he's going to do what he wants, and you have no claim on him. Perhaps you might learn something about sleeping with a man, while pretending that no feelings might grow out of this.
This guy does not want to get married
You married an 18 year old when you were 40, then verbally abused your daughter for, rightfully, being creeped out by it. You only just now miss your daughter? Chances are, she won't forgive you. She would have reached out to you about wedding planning. It sounds like you have some serious issues. I'd work on those first.
She should be wearing incontinence pads. She's a grown woman, she should be able to manage the results of her bladder problems
Otherwise OP is going to have to keep switching out pissy plastic
She should be wearing incontinence pads. She's a grown woman, she should be able to manage the results of her bladder problems
Otherwise OP is going to have to keep switching out pissy plastic
How long ago did they divorce? Sounds like he did something bad to her and still feel guilty, or he's not over her. If he can afford it, sure, it's fine giving gifts to the mother of his kids, but he shouldn't have not spend on you too. Has it always been like this for 4 years?
Age gap problems.
Do you really want to keep being in a relationship like this? It will scar you for life and the stress you are experiencing by itself will traumatize you. All the sympathy for your girlfriends mental condition but honestly she shouldnt date anyone and you shouldnt enable her by dating her. She needs professional help and to focus on her issues instead of a boyfriend.
Username checks out.
In the end only you can decide if you can forgive her. Being drunk is never an excuse. To have any chance of reconciliation she needs to be 100% honest with you about the cheating. She did fail the first step of being the one telling you but there is still a chance if you are willing.
Steps for her to build trust. 1. Be completely honest about the cheating. 2. Tell family and friends what she did (if you want to or if you take a break and people ask why) 3. Open phone policy, you always having access to her passwords and devices. 4. Being consistent and honest about her whereabouts. That is telling you where she's going how long she will be gone and staying true to that.
Couples counseling and also finding out what made her want to cheat, being drunk is not the full truth.
Good luck. Despite knowing your situation, he's still demanding. This is not a good dynamic. Do not buy a house now! You need to save for a down payment but it sounds like at your level, you need to get the emergency 6 month fund together first.
A loving partner understands your struggles and tries to ease your burden. Not this guy, he's doubling down. Also, job hunt. Seriously, there has to be a position better paying than that. Lunch ladies must make atleast that as well.
OP, you realize that you and your well-being also matters, right? I admire your desire to help this person, but ultimately it cannot come at the cost of your well-being and happiness. Maybe your GF needs a long time with herself to figure out and fight her demons.
Sounds like they're now better friends than you and your fwb..
He has sex with you but likes their company more than yours which I can imagine hurts.
So his income difference from you is gonna be even bigger then. And he still wants 50/50. Wow. The entitlement on this guy.
Stop begging and pleading with him. IGNORE HIM. Just be done because that will really get the message across. You realize he’s doing this shit because he’s expecting you to come begging and crying for him to take you back. Do not beg, do not plead. Your too good for that. He’s garbage and you honestly dodged a bullet. Ive dealt with his type and they don’t change i promise you. Save yourself heartache and leave him alone. Block his number
I didn't tell tell owner unfortunately, which I know was a mistake. I did call the police but they weren't serious, they just said “thanks for the information, we'll check with you later”.
I'd just be honest and tell him that you cannot afford to pay back, but offer to pick up some of the little things along the way. Thats fair, you told him up front.
I think you are overreacting about porn.
But that aside, she wasn't able to keep the boundary and lied about it. She likely won't be able to keep restraining herself for your sake, and you will never be happy that way so … you might consider breaking it off
I'd just be honest and tell him that you cannot afford to pay back, but offer to pick up some of the little things along the way. Thats fair, you told him up front.
He would still find a reason not to treat those.
And it is too costly to permit people to neglect their health, then demand top grade care. His teeth would merely be removed.
Unsolicited advice is just criticism cloaked in good intentions.
Stop giving her advice when she clearly doesn't want it. Stop talking to her about the topic when she clearly doesn't want to talk about it.
What a horrible day to be able to read
But yeh, you don't need to tolerate that. Not because she has an intolerance but because she's falling into the misinformation rabbit hole. Which sounds like is going to be exhausting to deal with along with the smell…
Yeah about that. Am I the only one here being shocked by that answer ?
You are more willing to open your eyes from a stranger's advice on the internet while completely invalidating your entire husband's thought process by default. Like he did not even have a chance to convince you, it shows in the way you speak about him. And yet the exact same words from a faceless stranger on Reddit and now it makes sense ?
I'd say you guys have a lot more issues than some bad words on a long night.
This is what I’m thinking or either he wants me to spell it out coz he did mention before it’s my house so he didn’t wanna be forward, it’s only when he’s invited
Things are “good” as long as you continue to set yourself on fire to keep her warm. So. They’re not actually good.
You’re throwing up a lot of objections about why you can’t hold your wife accountable to how she treats you. Maybe consider seeing a therapist before making any other decisions.
He didn't lie to her, he changed his mind on what his comfort level and thus boundaries are. Yeah she may be experiencing whiplash but she'll have to deal with it.
Sounds like you will see him when he wants something from you, and not much more often than that.
There aren’t words you can say to somebody to make a selfish person respect you my dude. You tell it to her plainly – she’s being a massive pos and isn’t treating you well. You could tell her that if it doesn’t change you’ll leave, but I seriously doubt she wants to change. Staying in a bad situation isn’t good for children, so please don’t let that keep you around if your little chat fails. You could try couple’s therapy, but she has to be on board and not willing to use it as a weapon.
Therapy for you, and maybe couples therapy to learn specific skills for the two of you to use in communication and connection. BPD gets a bad rap, but therapy can be very successful if you put in the work. DBT is the gold standard for BPD treatment.
There aren’t words you can say to somebody to make a selfish person respect you my dude. You tell it to her plainly – she’s being a massive pos and isn’t treating you well. You could tell her that if it doesn’t change you’ll leave, but I seriously doubt she wants to change. Staying in a bad situation isn’t good for children, so please don’t let that keep you around if your little chat fails. You could try couple’s therapy, but she has to be on board and not willing to use it as a weapon.
“My friend likes flirting with guys who are in relationships and currently has a crush on two and she talks about how they looked at her at our apartment gym or hallways. They directly told her they have someone and one of the guys even introduced her to his girlfriend. She clings on to little actions they do to indicate they are watching her and like her. She’s gotten accused of home wrecking in the past and I completely took her side after she explained.” wait, what? how did you not see this coming?
He is homophobic, he bullies you physically and online, he is abusive and messes with your food. You feel unsafe. You need to report him in any way possible and ask for help in any way possible.
Wait… did you marry your wife when she was 18?!!
Honestly, at this point, I want OP to plan a big event celebrating not marrying this guy.
OP, I was in a similar situation when I got married. I did all the research, all the planning, the invitations, visiting venues, decor, rentals, appointments, all of it. When we got a day-of coordinator she ended up helping me with so much more than the day-of stuff because we were so behind and he didn't even go to that appointment with me. It was humiliating and embarrassing but I kept so much of that private from my friends and family because I was ashamed of the situation. Really, he should have been ashamed. I also did all the planning for the honeymoon too. The wedding went great but my marriage did not. I was exhausted after the wedding and we never even sent out thank you cards because he refused to help and I was too damn exhausted and frustrated to do it alone.
But I got married anyway. And I really regret not paying attention to all those signs that he wasn't going to be a good partner. He wasn't a good partner. Our marriage was basically me having to basically manage an unmotivated, uncaring and hostile employee. And when I got burned out and hit depression hot, he got more hostile because he had to start doing things and resented me for it. It got really, really bad. Not physical abuse but like… I was so depressed I became a shell of myself. I barely left the house, stopped seeing friends, and couldn't even work for over 2 years. The whole time begging him for couples counseling that he refused because to him, I was the problem.
4 years after we married I'm getting a divorce. It was such a huge waste of time, vital years of my adulthood gone to waste. It was a very expensive lesson learned the most painful ways possible. Please, don't marry this man. He doesn't care about you. I'm sorry.
Reading the whole story, I don’t(!) get the same impression. Also, it’s up to OP what is a dealbreaker or not. People are different.
Reading the whole story, I don’t(!) get the same impression. Also, it’s up to OP what is a dealbreaker or not. People are different.
No one knows if they're actually fucking though. If she comes out accusing everyone of sleeping together that'll blow up in her face.
I haven’t said anything yet, I cleaned last night and put up a few post-its. Most people are on spring break right now and we have no group chat so talking to everyone at once is tough.
Thanks mate. That’s what I thought too but wanted to make sure I wasn’t trippin
Her boyfriend likes it when she dolls herself up
No. Her motor her basically told her she doesn’t deserve monogamy because she’s infertile. Having a baby later makes no difference to the horribleness of what she said. It’s not “lack of understanding” to lie, make up moron stories, and shit all over your kid.
Tell her if she does it again, you're pressing charges.
You aren’t the asshole, but think long and hot about how far you really want to take this.
The guy sounds like a distasteful asshole, but if he’s an 67 year old immigrant then I would probably give him a second chance if he’s willing to apologize.
He probably won’t actually change. But I think you’ll regret your mom not being there.
Though my opinion might change depending on what exactly he said.
Yes. He will thank himself later. I did.
Did you even read the post? She has a job. She makes half of what he does and she’s the one doing all the traveling.
I hope it is fake because if this is real you are a bad person. Your poor wife. This basically just happened to my best friend and he did like you having hook ups without regard to her health. 23 years later she is having to start her life over. You ought to be ashamed that you have used her and given her half a marriage and half a married life. You need to leave her instead of using. her affection for you to hide your true self. It was not fair what you did to her all those years ago and what you continue to do to her with your deceit. I am so thankful that my gay son will never do this to a woman. He is his authentic self and for that i am so thankful. Leave her and your kids because all you are going now is hurting people by lying and cheating and you are right you are the villain!!!Big Time. i don’t feel one ounce of pity or sadness for you but for your wife /i have an immense amount.
Moving back home and forking over your share of the rent is way hell of a better deal than this train wreck you have going on.
You need out of this relationship immediately.
Talk to your landlord. Explain the situation. People can be understanding. Usually you require all 3 parties to agree for the revision, but there is also a chance you can have yourself taken off without your BFs approval (depending on landlord).
If you can't you can work out a payment system with the landlord.
You need out though.
Take the dog; dump the girlfriend & get out of her daddy's house.
Heartworm disease will kill your dog. Are you willing to risk your dog's life for this woman?
You picked a materialistic GF is where you went wrong!
Did you ask her what exactly she didn't like about it?
If it's just truly that she feels you didn't spend enough then the issue is her, I personally wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who bean counts in that way. Sounds ungrateful.
But…sometimes guys think more money/show automatically equals good gift, and it sucks when someone spends a bunch of money on things that make you question whether they truly even see you as an individual person because the $$ gifts don't reflect your own interests or tastes at all.I'm only flagging this because of the golf thing. If her issue is she does not like the kinds of presents/activities you planned and was disappointed by that, then I think there's a possibility better communication between you both could fix things.
Yeah I could be wrong here, but the adopted kid who felt traumatized by it might just have had bad adopted parents who didn’t probably communicate that he was loved. I also feel like it’s gonna depend heavily on what age the child is adopted. If they’re adopted as a newborn, the level of trauma would be much different than a 5 year old who was adopted.
You have to ask her what’s going on. Point blank. Tell her you’re here to support her however she needs, but have to get an answer for what’s going on. You can see on her face something is up.
There are a lot of reasons why sex may have stopped – she feels guilty, an infection, she might even be pregnant. But you gotta ask.
Please get legal advice before you get married to ensure that you can reply on this law.
If that's nothing then I am a blue platypus.
So what happens if you're in a long term relationship and you're partner is stressed or having some issues where they do not want sex? Why not just talk about it and ask her what she's feeling?
Thank you for replying…with how he's been behaving, and from previous outbursts from him, I've actually asked him directly if he would want to go to therapy. He was immediately very defensive and said no. My father and I spoke privately, and we said we thinks he needs to talk to someone, but we know he will be very defensive with the suggestion. It honestly feels like I have to walk on eggshells in the house. Him and I use to be fairly close, but he's been saying a lot of stuff that borders to me, on almost paranoia, and after all that he's been behaving, I just try to keep away from him. This just sucks.
Now think of somebody you know that's fucked your girlfriend. Now you're going through her phone and you find this sex video. How do you feel about it? Are you thinking, if she don't like this guy, why's he still on her phone? Does this mean I'm not good enough and that's why she has to keep this video? Does she still want to fuck him, maybe she still has feelings and wants to be his girlfriend? If not, y'all probably don't have similar core values and that's going to be a problem unless you can find a different way to see why she might have a problem. Keep trying to understand the other person's viewpoint before being understood from your viewpoint. Get your partner to do the same. Try to be direct as possible, don't use words you don't mean. Being vulnerable is hot and embarrassing and uncomfortable, it takes time to develop this together. Good luck, bud!
Second sentence says reversing a vasectomy doesn't mean being able to conceive a child….
If you reverse it, but still can't have children, does it really matter? I've had it done, and first thing doctor told me is don't rely on it being reversible, it most likely will not be.
Have you tried mushrooms?
I didn’t even find out until Ethan walked in on us.
forgive me for not knowing you were lying.
I’ve been friends with this guy we’ll call Ethan for a few weeks too
oop, there we go with the lying again. Have you known him for a few weeks, or since last year?
If you're going to write a story, you have to keep track of your characters.
I didn’t even find out until Ethan walked in on us.
forgive me for not knowing you were lying.
I’ve been friends with this guy we’ll call Ethan for a few weeks too
oop, there we go with the lying again. Have you known him for a few weeks, or since last year?
If you're going to write a story, you have to keep track of your characters.
Do you even want more kids? You have 3 kids, how many do you want
Is your desire (if any) to have more kids based on wanting to just replace the kids you have with a new family if you and your wife don't work out?
If you don't actually want more kids with your wife, why would you want more kids with another woman?
Sure she could've have a tubeligation (except for the fact that unlike a vasectomy it is major abdominal surgery under full anesthesia with all inherent risks) but she isn't planning on possibly having new kids with a new man. Sounds like she is more invested in you two working than you are
Ya ever hear the term that people tell you who they are? Often we ignore it and overwrite with our versions of them. But an asshole is always gonna tell ya hes an asshole.
If it makes you uncomfortable, say something. If he reacts in a way that is opposite validating, yiu have your answer.
Would your 8 yr old self be proud of this relationship? Thats my go to question….. back before bias.
This is the best response and course of action. She's trying to figure out why you still have it. The “I forgot it was there” has gotten old, even if it were the truth.
Best advice, just be transparent. It's going to be rough though. Many people would call it quits.
Dump him. People who test their partners are manipulative.
Debated putting this in my post but I have some, and I’ve tried using them before but at max volume I can still hear them. We also share a wall, his bed is up against it
Why not 2?
Just let her know you’re there if she needs you and otherwise leave her alone. she’s an adult and can do her own thing. Worry about yourself unless called upon and if so treat her like an adult. Good luck.
I'm not really sure what else to assume aside from ulterior motives on your SIL & brothers part. Why would you have to remove your name to protect your fathers money in the event of a divorce when you could just get a prenup? Unless I'm misunderstanding what a prenup is for/can do.
Why not 2?
Just flipped roles. Yeah there are more issues attached to it, but respecting ones bodily autonomy is kind of the foundation for a relationship. I think having that slap in the face after being dismissed for an entire week is fair. “I've already told you my stance, why don't you do it if it means that much to you”
You don't get a vasectomy because “it's reversible” in fact you're warned that it is more likely to not be reversible, and you have a small window that just gets smaller over time.
Just mutilate your body so that I know your serious???
They are separated. Changes that this would work out are not that big. He says he may want more childeren if it wont work out. Why does he have to be sure it will work out now? He wants to try but its trying… Not betting something that big on it.
Find a good lawyer ASAP. You will need one for your prenuptial and also to figure out what you want to do with regards to your brother. Involve your father too.
Omg, I have had them for 30 years now. Not a fun thing to look forward to. Hope for a miracle for you with this.
I feel like there's so much info missing here…like this is a brand new relationship, why is he getting off alone so often? Why are you living together already? Is this an actual relationship or some other FWB thing? I sense zero affection in your words. He's only sleeping in another room and you're concerned about him cheating because you're not in there with him? That's not normal. This early on couples don't sleep in separate bedrooms even if the snoring can be heard down the block. This sounds like a guy that either has an insatiable sex drive that isn't realistic to keep up with, or isn't satisfied sexually. Sleeping in separate rooms, after FIVE months, is insane. My partner snores like a chainsaw is fighting a jackhammer, I would never even think of sleeping elsewhere-I can't keep my hands off him, even in the middle of the night we'll wake up for bedroom fun. I also just need him close, I need to feel his presence to sleep. I've known him since I was 12, I'm in my 30's, so it's not like we're a new couple either. Don't bring up the incident, and maybe just have more of the kind of relationship where he doesn't need to do it so often.
Dump him! He’s testing and gas lighting you so that he can manipulate you. You’re feeling bad after doing exactly what he asked! Forget him, you deserve better.
Not worth it, move on.
Big thing is you got a life lesson. There are truly bad people out there who don't care about you and will use you. They're damaged individuals. Its good to know they exist and once you see the red flags you can choose to not get involved with them.
Its tough! but be glad you didn't have a kid with her. See some friends, go on dates and don't let a girl like this knock down your confidence like did me… people like her cheat no matter what. No amount of money or status man can satisfy a girl who has a rotten core. So don't think any less of your self.
I wish you the best of luck on the self improvement journey!
NO, I JUST WANT TO VENT ON REDDIT OK -op
For toxic people who need time to spin the story to their advantage, it's great. For normal people, not so much.
I don’t want more than 1 child but I still wouldn’t want to have a vasectomy.
Plenty of contraception out there.
You saying “no” and saying these exact words are widely different things. I do understand your point and I would feel the same way but to me it seems she lacks re-assurance you really want to work on things and are 100% in. Try instead using those words in full and actually make effort to fight for your relationship and show her that you want this too.
She needs to put her foot down on her mother otherwise she's going to overstep boundaries that shouldn't be crossed.
Yes you could take the kettle and tea, but, you and fiance need to knock and enter the room she's staying in. Tell her she had absolutely no right to speak to you like that and no right to mive/confiscate your property.
Either she apologises for her behaviour and returns the property, in full working order, or she packs her shit and gets out of your house right now.
Tell fiance that if she won't back you, you are packing your shit and leaving, you will not be treated like that in your own home!
Seriously never put up with shit in your own home. It's your safe space/refuge.
Get help
He’s probably with someone that int cray cray and stalking. You might want to think about getting therapy
Just end it man. You're clearly planning your future and second family already in your mind.
You came here and acted as an unreliable narrator, and when people called you on it, you threw a shit fit. She dodged a bullet.
Actually your opinions helped me realize i made the right choice. So thank you all guys
Not you or your fault. Depression like that is unrelated to your behavior.
Just take it in stride and change your plans per his request, and do it with a smile. LDR is also stressful.
You can’t make someone in depressed, they have to find their way out. All you can do is tolerate the ruminating, try to distract him, and hope they will seek help.
So you’re betting on the marriage failing. That’s what you’re effectively saying to her.
For the love of god don’t listen to a single one of them.
Source: someone whose current money in less than 0.01% of that 4 million lmao
You also may want to discuss together and compare your desired futures, goals and timelines more.
You don't want a random break up that was predictable because you didn't realize a confusion in priorities
You clearly do or you wouldn't be posting here. That's not healthy dude. This whole “men are unemotional statues” shtick is dumb and immature.
You’re right, of course.
Um that's a bit hypocritical of you to say “in that cliche girlfriend way” because you literally told her you were fine after you screamed and cried?? Maybe she's giving you a taste of your own medicine. Either way, you both have to start communicating about your feelings like adults or one of you is gonna snap and end it
In another comment, OP says that the son SA'd him as a child. So I think the anger is certainly warranted. But all of these things together, I can see why if OP isn't accepting help and bottling things up, the GF would be shook.
You're not over her. Staying friends after a breakup let alone FWB is usually a bad idea! And if you're getting jealous that she is fucking someone else then it is definitely a horrible idea!
You are putting yourself through pain for what? For pussy? for the chance you'll get back together? It's not worth it chief – it's time to move on.
Time to stop seeing her, stop being friends, and move on.
That means no contact. Spend time with your actual friends, and loved one. Do things you love, find a new hobby, read a book, work out. You'll be ok, but you need to heal from this breakup. Continuing to see her is preventing you from getting over her. Please end it
What's your question?
Ure a rapist u give that vibe.
Ugh yeah that wouldn't fly with me
Your an adult you dotn have to explain yourself to us or her or anything if you bought this consol and it's your property she should never ever have a say in what you do and what you should and shouldn't do that's none of her business
Talk to youe partner and make them talk to your mother in law and set some clear boundaries if she's living with you guys either she respects your property or you kick her out
She just told me she hasn't been experiencing stuff on the romantic side yet. We chat and do things like game together, but she's right when she says we're not really flirting or being romantic. Nothing too specific, but she wants me to compliment more and nothing else specific besides that.
I can’t reduce romantic relationships to platonic ones, never have been able to. On the times I have, I went back to those girls eventually
If a man can’t cry in front of his woman, bitch gotta go.
She is the one who pushes my boundaries . Why is me wanting to see her often a boundary for her but its not a boundary for me if sje doesnt meet my expectstions. I always met hers she never met mine, she never compromised. We have been together 8 months and she told me she will see me more often now we barely see eaxhother , she never changed
You're not happy with your girlfriend and when you tried to talk to her about it, she showed you why you're unhappy. She isn't interested in taking on any responsibility for what is wrong in the relationship or offering up any solutions so end the relationship. For good this time.
My plan is just to play it cool and try to online my life.
This is the way. She can't be in a relationship now, and you should absolutely not just sit around waiting for her. You are young you should be living your life and making new connections with people who want to date you.
COTS
They seem like they're critical people with no sense of boundaries – the fact that they feel comfortable commenting on their son's relationship at all and the fact that he listens rather than shutting them down tells you all you need to know –
They dont support their son, they think they should have influence over his choices and that he should seek their approval in his relationships (and presumably other areas of his life) – but this is his problem, not yours
You have a choice to stay with him and remain vulnerable to their criticism or decide that you arent interested in this dynamic and that you are willing to move on so that you'll be available to explore people/opportunities with people who dont bring that particular flavor of baggage into your life/relationship
It's your call – just be aware that you arent responsible for their feelings, you have no control over what any of these people say or do, but you can choose not to tolerate it
Break up with her, that’s what you should do.
You aren’t a nice human.
People change their minds. You dated for 3 months. That is nothing in the grand scheme of things. If you liked her, and the relationship ended amicably, meeting for drinks doesn’t mean anything. I dated a woman off and on for 4 years. We’d spend time together and then life would get in the way. Every so often she would message me and we would meet up for drinks or dinner, and spend a few weeks “dating” if I wasn’t in a relationship or seeing someone at the time. We enjoyed each other’s company, but we never got far enough into a relationship to learn much about the other. The last time we “dated”, i had learned enough that she was a nice person but we had very little in common.
It’s just drinks. Maybe it will lead to something more, or maybe it will just confirm that your breakup was a good thing.
She is likely thinking engagement isn’t far away and he’s asking how to tell her that it is. If he isn’t going to be honest, she is going to believe that he is planning to ask. He isn’t going to ask her to marry him. She deserves to know that.
Many of us have left toxic men (and for some of us it took more than 11 years)! Life is so much better on the other side of a shit relationship! You will feel relief within the first week or two! You and your son will have less stress, more free time, more energy, more enthusiasm, more joy every single day!
Text your BF and tell him that your relationship is over immediately as it no longer works for you. Wish him “good luck” and then BLOCK HIM (and all his friends and family). Do NOT make exceptions as they'll just start bugging you on his behalf. Go to the library (it's FREE!) and look through the self-help section. Read the inside jacket on 6 or 8 promise-looking books and pick TWO that really resonate with you! Read those at home. It should lead you to MORE good books. Decide if you need individual counseling to learn to set/maintain better boundaries in relationships. Talk to your son about a hobby that the two of you can try for the next 6 months just as a way to reconnect and also to open lines of communication now that he's getting older and will need to feel open talking with you about his dating life in high school. The energy you spent on your ex will now be available to focus on your career, your mental/emotional health, and your son! There's no downside to that!
Best wishes on 2023 being THE BEST year you've had in a decade!
Divorce her, sorry to say. She doesn't know if she wants to stay married, let her go do her thing. Start discussing how child care will work out when she leaves to go to fuckboy.
Get a lawyer.
Most people aren’t comfortable with it*
You think it’s reasonable to not even talk to your SO bc they break a boundary they didn’t even know about. An uncommon boundary at that
Yeah he hasn’t seen a doctor in a few years and my own family doctor isn’t taking new patients. I see him soon so I can ask but obviously he needs to see someone himself to get the full run down.
I don't think you did anything wrong necessarily and we can speculate that your husband's reaction is coming from a place of insecurity like some of the comments are saying. Putting myself in his shoes I would ask questions and talk about what they wanted and why they were contacting you. And I think the most important thing here is having reassurance that this isn't like a you entertaining the idea of a former partner coming back into your life type of thing. And you said it yourself, any signs of wanting to meetup or flirting would have been shutdown.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
Pretty much title. My girlfriend of 6months burst out laughing after I opened up to her about childhood trauma. We had just had sex and were cuddling when I opened up to her. Basically, when I was 12, I was bullied a lot about my weight – I used to be overweight but I’ve gotten into shape since. The bullying led to me having self esteem issues for years that I really had to work on. I told her about how the bullies would make fun of my weight, one of them calling me “crunch cake”, and she burst out laughing. This really hurt my feelings, and she hasn’t apologized since even though she knows it hurt my feelings.
What should I do?
The only red flag you exhibited was daring to call him out on his problematic behavior.
You can’t fix it.
Jesus, I'm all for having best friends of the opposite sex. I'm all for having positive relationships with exes, even. But all of this was way too much.
He never took your relationship seriously. Not once. How could he possibly think you wouldn't mind the hand holding and cuddling sleepovers? Unless you're poly, or you've EXPLICITLY stated you're ok with this, even an extremely open minded person knows those are BASIC relationship boundaries.
The only thing you did wrong was put up with this nonsense for as long as you did. He disrespected you and treated you like shit from day one.
You were treated like a background object. Lesser than her, the whole time. Things were fine when she was gone, but the second she wanted him back, he went running to her.
Listen, he's a wishy washy coward, and he used you and strung you along. What he did was extremely shitty. Please do not be hot on yourself for this relationship failing. It was sabotaged by your ex and his friend from the start.
You were the sidepiece! Good riddance!
Which website? Asking for a friend.
You’re not being petty and you’re not a jerk. This girl broke your heart and is trying to bully you out of your family’s recipe? Her audacity is gross lol. She personally fumbled the chance to inherit the recipe naturally, that’s not your fault. Save the recipe for someone who deserves it.
I said she's currently on a girl's trip, so she's not here. She will be back on friday.
I think her heart will be in a place similar to mine, where we can't believe that this past decade is coming to a romantic end.
I genuinely believe that she was trying to end things at the cake testing. We were arguing about the cake, but it wasn't really about the cake. Using cake metaphors to reference our relationship. That's when she questioned why we were doing this. I asked “cake testing?”. She said sighed and said no, but then a worker came back and we didn't talk about on the ride back. She went on her trip the following day.
Do you have an example of one of these things she is calling “gaslighting”?
I know it’s not a transcript since this all happens in person. But our biggest argument was over going for a walk. She tripped at the very start and I asked if she was ok or if we needed to leave and she says very loudly in front of everyone there “DID I SAY THAT?” so I just told her ok please let’s not get loud out here and she tells me to just leave that she’ll Uber home and then I tell her to stop being like that and let’s have a good day and she says “nope” so she just keeps it going. Told me she was refusing to get in my truck so I left (rather than people seeing a guy, out of context, trying to get a woman to ride with him). She gets home and tells me it’s over she’s going to a hotel, would NOT speak to me even though I tried to talk things out. Next day she comes home and cries saying she doesn’t wanna break up she was just mad, but still refused to discuss the issues that started it. Said I gaslighted her because I kept asking if she needed to leave. But like, I’m just making sure she’s ok?
It's isn't a special circumstance. People who make money can buy things. People who don't can not. Period. Vehicles are overpriced. Everyone know that. That's why the second you leave the lot, your cars value depreciates by 10k. We get that. But the rest of us also understand you have to pitch in to have a say, and an IOU isn't pitching in.
Why is this a “you” thing? What about him lol? Run and be glad you dodged that bullet
Just break up with her, you cheated on her.
Porn was definitely a major factor in my divorce. Because the excessive consumption poisoned his expectations to the point where he could no longer be respectful to his wife in bed. Of course he was no longer respectful in other ways too, but I was pretty much going to stay until he repeatedly violated my boundaries and physically harmed me in bed. But that has to do with how I was raised, that even if a relationship is not okay, if it’s a marriage you endure it.
I didn’t consider it cheating but I also didn’t know how much damage it could do. I know that now, but I still just think it’s only a factor when it’s to excess and affects the relationship. Like most mental health disorders aren’t disorders until they negatively affect your life in some way.
Then it’s unnecessary to force your bf to learn a different language
How would you feel if your ex-g/f began coming around to your house to bang your best friend? What would the time limit be on that?
Mmmmm, no.
On one hand… No one deserves to be abused.
On the other hand… She cheated with her sisters husband and refuses to leave him. Despite clear reasons to do so.
Some people put themselves into the situations that they deserve. Not because anyone deserves it… But because their own choices create the hell that they are living in.
I wouldn't wish this on her… But it's her own fault for cheating and not then leaving him. My compassion is stained when the cheating happened… And gone at the half way mark of ops description of sisters choices.
That would estraining order filled against him as well as charges. She wanted him gone and deserved to have the peace of the cheater no longer living under the same roof. If he valued her and the marriage that much he wouldn't have cheated, much less while she was battling post partum depression.
Destroyed two entire families because of your selfish ways.
Your poor ex-wife and kids. I hope a beautiful, wonderful, thoughtful family oriented gentleman sweeps her and those babies off her feet and you are a distant memory soon.
Part of me instantly thought that this is the dinner where he tells her that his girlfriend is crap and he's in love with your girlfriend.
I might be entirely wrong, I do believe people can be just friends. But something strikes me oddly here.
You should tell her. It's perfectly normal to want to cum… it's a little weird to do it and keep it a secret.
Why have you ruled out sex? Is this perhaps a reaction to that? Are you sure you don't want to have sex?
Soooooo….you groomed a 15 year old child and are now bored of her?
Hes shown you EXACTLY who he is. You really think this is a man who will honor “in sickness and in health”? Hell leave you for a younger woman.
Good luck? Be pleasant, polite. You are ok with ex being his friend, you don’t need to be besties. Honestly, it’s better not to have to worry that anything you said is being filtered back to him.
This is called Prostitution and he wants to be your pimp. Absolutely do not do it.
It was completely wrong of her to manipulate and lie to you like that. There is nothing wrong with having sexual preferences about genitalia. It's totally normal.
Did you say some stuff you shouldn't have? Maybe. But first of all, you just discovered in the most shocking way possible you'd been lied to in a very significant way. Secondly, you had consented to sexual contact under a very reasonable and obvious assumption. That she manipulated you into sexual contact you did NOT give *informed” consent to makes it sexual assault in my eyes. Just because it doesn't fit the stereotypical notion of 'man forces sexual contact on woman using threats/force/coercion or when she is drunk' doesn't make it not sexual assault.
You have every right to feel deeply angry, betrayed, and disgusted. That you feel disgust is not inherently transphobic. It seems to me like you feel disgust not at her being trans. But at her lying to you about this in order to coerce you into a sexual relationship with someone whose genitalia doesn't align with your preferences. Not wanting to be with someone who is trans doesn't make someone transphobic.
I am sorry that you aren't getting support. On such a hot button issue, people blindly leap to the side that seems vaguely like the right one, but don't think further on it. I condemn transphobia too. But I will not assume that the moment there's a conflict and a trans person is on one side, that the other person is a bigot. Trans people are people. Which means they, just like cis people, can be assholes. They can be good, they can be evil. Like some bad cis people can use their identity as a weapon or way to justify evil, so can trans people. Sometimes the minority person is the bad one in a story. That's just a part of acknowledging personhood for us all
It was completely wrong of her to manipulate and lie to you like that. There is nothing wrong with having sexual preferences about genitalia. It's totally normal.
Did you say some stuff you shouldn't have? Maybe. But first of all, you just discovered in the most shocking way possible you'd been lied to in a very significant way. Secondly, you had consented to sexual contact under a very reasonable and obvious assumption. That she manipulated you into sexual contact you did NOT give *informed” consent to makes it sexual assault in my eyes. Just because it doesn't fit the stereotypical notion of 'man forces sexual contact on woman using threats/force/coercion or when she is drunk' doesn't make it not sexual assault.
You have every right to feel deeply angry, betrayed, and disgusted. That you feel disgust is not inherently transphobic. It seems to me like you feel disgust not at her being trans. But at her lying to you about this in order to coerce you into a sexual relationship with someone whose genitalia doesn't align with your preferences. Not wanting to be with someone who is trans doesn't make someone transphobic.
I am sorry that you aren't getting support. On such a hot button issue, people blindly leap to the side that seems vaguely like the right one, but don't think further on it. I condemn transphobia too. But I will not assume that the moment there's a conflict and a trans person is on one side, that the other person is a bigot. Trans people are people. Which means they, just like cis people, can be assholes. They can be good, they can be evil. Like some bad cis people can use their identity as a weapon or way to justify evil, so can trans people. Sometimes the minority person is the bad one in a story. That's just a part of acknowledging personhood for us all
Well she wants to slowly get more intimate now… but I feel guilty asf for this. She is willing to be more sexual. We talked about things.
The wife is a badass and I have so much respect for her. Being a mother is hot and she had this dude as a husband. Please tell her so she can leave you and find a man who actually respects her and will honor his vows to be by her side no matter what.
I think you're realizing that marrying someone after 9 months of knowing them was a mistake
He's too young for this lack of interest in sex. Some people are asexual, but he had previously been intimate with you.
Is he closeted? Was he abused as a young boy? Is he unsure of his sexuality?
There are lots of older men that smoke, drink, and eat like crap and have healthy, vigorous sex lives. I'm thinking it's something else he's locked away and doesn't want to deal with. That would be a shame if he can't release it and learn how to be fully and completely intimate with someone who cares so deeply for him. But – he has to be the one to decide.
It's literally a crime. This isn't screenshotting texts or something.
Yes she is probably starved for attention. She has some extreme attention seeking issues so it’s not really particular to my bf. She does this with every male around.
She wouldn't be welcome to gather her own belongings. I'd mail them to her.
Fair comment, okay I am half asleep so this may not be a very coherent list but I’ll try..
Recklessly, irresponsibly spending before bills and necessities are paid.. emotional bargaining and guilt tripping if I try and shut it down
Gaslighting over literally everything, even mundane things that really don’t matter
Mocking the way I speak and laugh
Nasty comments about my mother and sister all the time (and we ONLINE with my sister)
Constant comments about exes and former sex life (I’ve had a very vanilla life so I don’t get why he does this AT ALL)
Constantly telling me he isn’t interested in what I have to say
Telling me he won’t do or give me certain things if I don’t do particular things (like he won’t make me a drink if I’m not accompanying him downstairs, which is very nude due to my disability and he knows this) (he never forces anything sexual though)
Dismissive of almost everything I say
Criticising anything he can about what I say
Annoying me on purpose because stressing me out and arguing is ‘fun’
He likes to give me his crazy eyes, look aggressively at me, he says that he’ll ‘beat me’ but in a jokey way.
If I ask for some space he’ll get closer and try and get me to lash out
Shouts at me ALL THE TIME and generally speaks to me like shit
Always telling me I should leave him … e.g ‘for fuck sake if I’m that bad just get rid of me then’ type thing
Super accusatory about who I might be speaking to every time I’m on my phone (I’m a loner by choice I don’t even WANT to speak to anyone)
Criticising the things I like and how good I am at the games I like to play
Now that I write it out it doesn’t seem so bad maybe it isn’t but I feel awful I don’t know
Why are you even bothering with someone who acts this immature when he's 32 yrs old? He acts like he got caught out doing something by his mother. And, basically, he kind of did. YOU recognize that he couldn't afford what he bought. HE recognizes that but he needs to double down on the fact that YOU are the person in the wrong because he knows he over extended himself. Forget making him a sandwich. Let him have the consequences of his decision. I wouldn't mix finances with someone this immature and unable to have a rational discussion.
“Hey bro, sorry I went off the grid. I was dealing with some shit and was struggling and took impulsive measures and shut down from everyone. I figured things out and came back to my senses. You want to meet up, smoke and talk?”
It doesn't sound like he gave you any indication that he was going to propose. You sent him a link to a ring you liked and he bought it for you. Had you said I really want you to propose with this ring he'd have told you he wasn't ready.
It’s been over a year since her last relationship. She’s dated since then before me. She says she started to feel these things once it started to get serious and she got real feelings towards me. She said what I said above and said she doesn’t not want to date around, talk to other people. She just needs to grow and heal. Wants us to grow as friends because a boyfriend should be a best friend. She wants to exclusively talk to me and just me… as “friends”.
If I am an asshole I would love for someone to call me out on it and it state the facts as to why. This is my first attempt at talking about it with “someone else” at all. So please ask me any questions if you need more info etc.
def this ex
To be honest a kid is very expensive , So that being financially stable can also be a big excuse for not marrying for years to come
19 year old guys aren’t into drinking, smoking, partying or clubbing??
I know a lot of women who weren’t into any of that stuff at your age .
i read the opener and was like LOOOOOOOOL ???
Block him ? sounds like a tool who doesn't respect you.
Regardless of the outcome, what does it speak about my character that I just completely went against my family’s wishes and broke their trust?
OP would you EVER yell at her for crying? Would you ever tell her she was dumb for doing so? I will wager no, because you KNOW its abusive behaviour.
This loving supportive partner you describe should comfort you, hold you when you cry, not see it as a weakness.
What if she gets mad and is like: but u said u gonna bring it? I won’t come and get it! (It’s just really 15 min by foot maybe so really no big deal, she just has issues and needs to feel in power I guess because in our relationship I was in power) I think she just wants to feel superior in general.
I think I would just react honest and say that her behavior lately is disgusting and I feel that she wants to hurt me on purpose to feel superior. It would have been nice of her talk talk to me about my emotions (and she partially also did that but then I was quickly ignored, maybe I overdid it but I have just so many burried feelings). She knows that because I am always trying to be fair and open about myself, so that she can understand the situation and how I feel.
Back to what I would want to say: She could have really helped me out work out these feelings and she chose not to, ofc I know she doesn’t owe me anything but in the same way I don’t owe her anything. And she made more than clear that it is this way. I am just so disappointed about her behavior u know? Why can’t she just be nice
I think you should ask her if you can postpone the wedding until things improve and get to couples counseling. I went to couples counseling with a guy I had been dating for a year and was arguing with and we are now happily married for 5 years. I think your baby deserves one last try.
u want us to tell you how to persuade her to ‘let you’ show emotion, but you’re also saying you have spoken to her about this already and she won’t change.
What do you think we could say that you can’t or haven’t already??
Saying “I don’t see anything wrong with crying when I am remembering my dear friend ” ONCE should be enough for her to never behave like this again.
People are sometimes raised with different values, or strange ideas, but the brutal truth is if she respected you or loved you, she would have questioned her behaviour, if not her opinion, right away.
If she won’t listen you you – her partner, who is hurting – nothing we say can get her to listen either.
We CAN say you should get out of the relationship because it’s no way to online, unless you want to feel like you do know for the rest of your life. You are only 24. You have a world of opportunity and time to meet someone who doesn’t verbally and psychically assault you. This is a bad relationship. It will not get better, it will only get worse. Get out, because you deserve love and respect.
Losing someone, feeling pain, sorrow, sadness and loss are part of life – and I’m sorry to say they will all happen to you, many times. Can you seriously stand to spend the rest of your life with someone who will not be there for you through all of that? Or for their child?! And expect them to hide their emotions? Who lashes out when they don’t like a perfectly normal emotion? Who does not let someone react to even a sad movie?
This is a recipe for disaster, and statistically why many young men suffer mental health issues and resort to suicide. Nobody can contain their emotions indefinitely.
Humans – including men – cry for a reason. We evolved to cry because the act of crying is a mental reboot and a physical release. Ever heard of “crying yourself to sleep”, or wonder why you yawn when you cry?? It’s because it is soothing. Humans are designed to cry. If men were not supposed to cry, millions of years of evolution would have stopped them.
Seriously. Get out of this relationship. And run, don’t walk.
Is it possible that checks notes nothings wrong and she loves you and everything but it’s too late?
You might be in a similar situation to your dad but just check yourself before you do this. When you were planning for this baby, did you feel the same way as you do now? Many expectant parents feel completely out of sorts and it is common for nearly-fathers to respond by 'realising' their relationship isn't right and making rash decisions they later regret. Lots of stories about cheating/breaking up while wife is pregnant on Reddit. Be sure it isn't just baby/life stage jitters.
You might be certain, if so go ahead but if not, couples therapy could help, or a deep conversation with your wife?
This is hilarious. You handle your feelings offline, but you post about a dramatic story online instead of tell friends? You will never forget her face, yet you had no idea what her name was?
You don’t go to prison for 3 years for no reason.
If you had a kid and they wanted to date a ex convict that’s 6 grades above of them would you let them?
I personally wouldn't choose to stay in this relationship. You have a choice now. Either you accept that he's not going to stop or you leave this relationship.
Do you have a problem with porn because it is a boundary for you or because it's stopping his ability to function properly?
If it's the letter it has to be coming from him to change. Even if you want a best friend. But if it's a boundary then you need to Make that clear to him
It's probably not going to work out. You want sex before marriage and she wants to wait, there's nothing wrong with either choice, you're just not very compatible.
Have you talked to her about where she draws the NO line; is she okay with you guys doing oral on each other, is she okay with you guys using your hands, etc.?
Bail immediately. You make more money then him and he offered you a credit card? Like your a grown add woman? You don’t need to ask him at all.
Just bail. If the Roles were reversed we would say the same thing.
Your bf either has insane insecurities or a complete asshole.
On a side note being intimate FOR someone else is wild. Once a day is not a thing that will keep up until your dead. And not having sex more than once a day doesn’t mean you don’t like someone.
He needs help. I would suggest telling him that his feelings although valid are not factual. That you do care for him but more then 7x a week is just not it for you. If he can’t accept that then cut your losses and find someone who won’t pressure you to have sex with FOR THEM. Wild. Just wild.
Your bf either has insane insecurities or a complete asshole.
On a side note being intimate FOR someone else is wild. Once a day is not a thing that will keep up until your dead. And not having sex more than once a day doesn’t mean you don’t like someone.
He needs help. I would suggest telling him that his feelings although valid are not factual. That you do care for him but more then 7x a week is just not it for you. If he can’t accept that then cut your losses and find someone who won’t pressure you to have sex with FOR THEM. Wild. Just wild.
We always talk everyday! We haven't been distant with each other and we do everything we can do being long distance, watching movies everyday, voice calling, messaging. We tell each other about everything that happens in our days. We don't have any communication issues, if something is wrong we will tell each other about it and work through it. I ordered him some legos a few days ago, he got them today.We're always telling each other we love each other, telling jokes etc. Its more of just us not having anything to say sometimes. Usually we don't mind and enjoy the silence as well, but recently we've been so busy we are barely getting time to talk as much as we used to and i feel like that spark is fading and not sure how to bring it back, it has to be something we don't usually do.
Your bf either has insane insecurities or a complete asshole.
On a side note being intimate FOR someone else is wild. Once a day is not a thing that will keep up until your dead. And not having sex more than once a day doesn’t mean you don’t like someone.
He needs help. I would suggest telling him that his feelings although valid are not factual. That you do care for him but more then 7x a week is just not it for you. If he can’t accept that then cut your losses and find someone who won’t pressure you to have sex with FOR THEM. Wild. Just wild.
We always talk everyday! We haven't been distant with each other and we do everything we can do being long distance, watching movies everyday, voice calling, messaging. We tell each other about everything that happens in our days. We don't have any communication issues, if something is wrong we will tell each other about it and work through it. I ordered him some legos a few days ago, he got them today.We're always telling each other we love each other, telling jokes etc. Its more of just us not having anything to say sometimes. Usually we don't mind and enjoy the silence as well, but recently we've been so busy we are barely getting time to talk as much as we used to and i feel like that spark is fading and not sure how to bring it back, it has to be something we don't usually do.
He has the maturity of a child?
Yes you should break up.
silent treatment is a minupulative form of abuse.
Your not in a loving supportive relationship. You know it. Its highly unlikely that he is going to be a better person.
Sex therapists are there for this kind of reason. A bit awkward maybe, but they can help you talk through the processes in each of your heads. Could help!
Just because someone devotes their life to God doesn’t mean they are a good person or treats the people in his life with dignity and respect. Bad people use religion as a mask, and as an excuse to treat people poorly. Leave him and you and your kids WILL BE OK. It will be challenging for a little while but you will get through it and you and your kids lives will be better.
I understand that housing and health insurance are tempting, but it's not worth it OP.
There are too many unknown factors at this point…you barely know each other, you're NOT in a stable relationship given your post history.
Continue dating, if you're still head over heels in a year+, have spent more time together, have gone on vacations etc. rediscuss marriage then.
If he really is the one, why the need to rush?
I’m 33 and just learned in the last couple of years that the superficial reasons people date, fuck, etc in their teens and 20s have little to do with whether someone makes a good life partner. Financial status and potential is a huge and I really do mean huge deal in whether someone makes a good life partner. You’re not petty or a gold digger for recognizing this and acting on it. You’re saving yourself years/lifetime of frustration and misery
Dang, that is a TON of debt.
I wonder if there are better options for interest by refinancing. Now is not a great time to refinance, as rates have recently risen, but 11% is huge. It's too late to change now, but I'm left wondering why she got private student loans like this in the first place! The interest rates on federal student loans (unsubsidized) are 4.99-6.54% depending on factors we don't need to discuss. A decent interest rate could make a HUGE difference in what these loans will cost each year and over a lifetime, so you might look into your options to refinance with better rates, and see whether the impact looks more manageable with a refinance. I suspect you could substantially reduce the required annual payments and/or pay the debt down much quicker with similar payments, by refinancing, but there's no question this will be a substantial financial burden no matter what you do with it.
It sounds like you're really interested in having kids together. I would not recommend having kids together while this huge debt looms over you — and so, if kids are very important to you and/or your partner, sadly I'd suggest breaking up so you can have a chance for a more financially stable parenthood with someone else. Others have suggested a pre-nuptial agreement if you get married, which I agree with, but the pre-nup will not be sufficient if there are kids involved, at which point child support will be set based on your ability to pay, and her need, both of which will be high. And, kids are very expensive even as you stay together — that cost in addition to the cost of the debt will leave you with a comparatively austere life.
If you're not so set on having children, your incomes are probably high enough to manage this debt together. This sounds doable to me, but you'll still have to decide if it's worth it to you. You'll have much more freedom without this debt to take vacations, or buy a house, or many other things, and you'll be giving much of that up by staying together. In the short term, you can keep finances separate, not contribute yourself towards her debt but just expect she'll be less able to contribute to other things you'd want to do together. But that's not a sustainable long-term plan. If you stay together for the long-haul, one way or another you will share responsibility for this debt. If that's not okay with you, better to cut ties sooner rather than break up years down the line over things you already know now.
Husband had $250K in debt. Salary $275k. He is a physician. He paid off his loans in 3 years.
Depends on her education.
Yes, hubby did work a lot at least for 10 years. Now, he works only 10 weeks a year.
It all depends.
Jesus weaving whips and flipping tables. 🙂
You’re making this all about you when it’s not. From what you’ve said in the post it doesn’t even sound like he was asking her out, he has a girlfriend too and men and women can have each other on social media without anything nefarious. Plus she literally didn’t add him! she doesn’t want to talk to him, and even if he was hitting on her, if he already has a girlfriend why would the fact she has a boyfriend stop him? he clearly doesn’t have respect for relationships if he’s cheating on his gf. Like other commenters
Sounds like your older boyfriend isn't mature enough for an adult relationship. I'd suggest sticking with the younger guys. He's a walking red flag.
You're not changing him, he's changing him. You choose what you want, and he chooses whether he's going to go along with it.
I spent three damn hours at a bar babysitting my friend's tipsy out-of-town friend, while she hung out with the bartender she was dating. I had my ring on, was telling honeymoon stories, told him flat out that I was not interested and was just there because Friend hadn't seen her boyfriend in ages. Dude did not give up. Some guys just want to “win.”
I bought a camera lens on interest free finance for $2200 and I was the biggest burden of my life lol and that’s 1% of her debt… so I really don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to feel how daunting it is!
OP got the cleanest of breaks possible getting away from both the trash family & ex since they all stuck to each other pretty much forever due to the kids. Meanwhile the brother gets best front row seat watching karma & drama unfold between 2 cheaters & their enablers not handling that one cheater is an abuser while other cheater baby-trapped so that her enablers can be grandparents – if wasn't for the kids, the Brother & even OP would be outright laughing all the time watching this shitshow play out.
It reads like the parents and sister are mad that this guy DIDN’T abuse OP. It’s fucked up.
That’s probably why sis accused OP of sleeping with him. Because then sure, sis cheated with OP’s boyfriend… but if OP did it now, she’d be a homewrecker.
In some families with a favorite, they get mad when the rest of the world doesn’t fawn over the golden child and crap on the scapegoat.
thank you. I'm so overwhelmed with the support here
Why can't he just post pictures himself?
Why does he need all of this extra validation from outside sources for your relationship?
You are not a bad girlfriend for creating a boundary for yourself for the purpose of bettering yourself and curbing bad habits. Maybe you should explain to him why you do what you do, and why his request isn't something you want to do.
He wants to get a rise out of OP and she's not giving him a reaction. He probably expected her to have a complete breakdown that she “lost” her “prince charming” because he thinks he's the catch of a lifetime, and can't understand why she is so calm and seems to be better off without him. Typical
I would pretend I’m over it and act regular but behind the scenes I would be a private investigator.
My reasoning for wanting to plan a short weekend trip for myself is to gauge my planning abilities like a recon of sorts. So I can build my confidence in vacation planning. Planning together would be ideal but he seems hell bent on making it my responsibility. And I would be happy to, but I do not have the confidence to do it solo.
Her crying when she finds out he knows about it, instead of being angry, combined with her “panicking” and deleting the messages is more than enough information to say there is more going on than just him messaging her.
Why on earth would it be “suspicious” that someone gets upset and deletes a message when someone sends them an unprompted disgusting sexual photo? And then look at OP's reaction, he exploded at her because someone else sexually harassed her and you can't figure out why she might be crying and panicked?
Like I said, if OP could stop being a lunatic for five seconds and try to imagine how this scenario felt from his wife's POV everything about her behavior is perfectly normal.
You have to be pretty dense to not put two and two together here
It seems like I'm the only person capable of putting two and two together here.
Wife contacts ex AT HUSBAND'S REQUEST.
Ex tells her he's still in love with her, wife is creeped out and tells husband who in his own words had a “neutral” reaction to her distress.
Ex sends her a picture of his own cum. She's disgusted and creeped out and frightened, then her husband finds it while searching through her phone and starts screaming AT HER because of it.
What planet do you people online on that the normal reaction to this situation isn't panic and crying?
You’re telling on yourself bro
The only thing I can think of about the anger is maybe they have a narcissistic type of behavior, and they’re being shown to not be perfect. They are not the best because they had a relationship and you are reminding them of that which makes them angry. My ex-wife cheated on me was extremely angry, nasty and upset when I called her and told her we were getting divorced. I have no idea how much anger she had dinner and I don’t know why.
Do you both have savings that would pay for this trip?
Does he have an actual reason for wanting to travel for one year, beyond “that sounds better than what he's currently doing”? Why a year? What's going to change after a year?
You are a disgusting pig…actually I take that back pigs are actually good, you not so much.
Oh my God. This is literally psychopath behavior. End the relationship and tell him what he did was abusive and extremely fucked up and you refuse to be with anyone who treat you like that.
Everyone wants to be the hero of their own story. He could trying to justify his cheating by trying to characterize you as a mean bitch so that he can make his cheating seem “justified.”
“See how mean she is? She sent me running to the hands of another woman.”
He could also be mad that you’re not as broken up over this as he was expecting.
I split from my ex at the end of 2020. We were engaged and had been together for just shy of 10 years. I had been supporting her through grad school at the time.
She called off the wedding and slept with her best friend's brother a week later. I had to online with her for almost 3 months before I could get a job and living arrangements made closer to home. I was indifferent toward her the whole time. The last time I saw her, she had me backed into a corner with her fist in my face, screaming about why I'm acting like I don't care.
She seemed to catch on that she was being a piece of shit because she put her fist down, went to her room and packed a bag before apologizing and leaving. Just don't let him get a reaction out of you.
And you put up with that shit???
So I follow labor law — you’re going to want to screenshot any texts or emails that are harassing, and look into whether you’re in a one-party consent state for recording. If you are, it is fully legal to voice record any conversation you have without the other person knowing. I suggest you start doing this. (If you have an iPhone or Apple Watch, Apple has a voice memos app that can be used for this. Apple Watch is great for doing it discreetly, too, you can add the widget for it to your watch Home Screen and just tap it to start recording if something feels sketch.) For anything you can’t record, write a contemporaneous memo email immediately after and send it to (and from) a personal email account.
Yes, tell your friend as well. Having corroboration of “they told me when it was happening” is helpful, but it’s not likely to be admissible in a court setting, should it come to that. (Hence, the other documentation.)
Tell your gym this man has been stalking you. Ask for their help in keeping you separated.
And yes, you have to tell your HR. And document their response, and any retaliation that might come from it. It’s super illegal for anyone to retaliate against you! Even if it’s not an HR person! Fun fact, HR is also not exempt from one-party-consent recordings.
Good luck. This sounds awful. Stay safe.
Personal opinion, I'd like to know if my partner can satisfy me sexually before I commit half my assets and earnings to a relationship that could very well turn out to suck.
Marriages mostly fail for two reasons: 1) sex, or lack thereof; or 2) money
Exactly what I thought too. You wouldn't catch evidence of this between toes unless you knew exactly what to look for.
Quick question. Do you have the power to fire people on your staff? If you do, fire them on the spot (be even better if you online in work at will state (in the US) and you don’t even need to give a reason as for why) and spread the word that they don’t work well with a team and a legal liability waiting to happen. If not follow the above and other advice.
He’s using drugs. What else could it be?
Jfc woman. Why should this even be a topic of conversation in a relationship????? You shouldn’t have to spell out right from wrong with a grown man. HE is the one who made the situation weird from the get go. He crossed all sorts of professional lines when he knowingly “sexted” the Mom. And how about you? He is obviously isn’t serious about you or he would have stopped sexting a long while ago. This dude is bad news. Treat yourself with more respect and demand the same of others. What he is doing is NOT normal.
Ok, but they were alone together in a car so even if she says what it is how is he supposed to “get to the bottom of it” aside from deciding who to trust, which he could already do?
I think if she wanted him fired she would have already done that, and it's not my fault she's uncomfortable, it's his fault for sexting other women while seeing someone. It sucks that she's uncomfortable interacting with him in a parent-teacher dynamic now, but honestly he was the one not being honest with her about him seeing someone
It seems like you're also missing the issue here: the reason his relationship with this woman is 'ruined' is not because you spoke to her, or because he cheated on you by sexting with her, it is because HE crossed a professional boundary.
He should not be sexting the parents of his students and if he does he definitely should not expect it not to have an impact on the parent-teacher relationship. He needs to step up and recognise the consequences of his actions.
I am basically a walking fortune cookie, I have a lot of pithy little sayings I repeat to myself lol
One of them is “Pain is often best catalyst for growth”
You can do this
He is going to change, isn’t he? /s
Short answer: Nope.
He breached your trust almost IMMEDIATELY, with someone who wasn't even close to him. That's the kind of person he is. When people show you who they are, believe them.
I hope you know that you're wasting your youth on this old guy, plus he's only using you as a bang maid and a house cleaner, good luck.
I'd put them on a 3 way call and ask them both wtf happened. There's no excuse for 3 adults to not explain what happened that caused an issue for one of them while the other claims nothing happened. One of them had an issue, and no matter what that issue is, it needs to be resolved with communication between the three of you. It would be best if you could actually sit down with both of them in person. Your dad did or said something to her that makes her think it's bad enough it would cause a rift between you and your father. Which, sounds pretty damn bad if you ask me.
Sweetheart, it's not your job to fix this. They're grown adults, they have to figure it out.
Do you have a grandparent, or older trusted relative that can come help you out until your mom is back on her feet?
He is the living proof that age doesnt equal maturity. ? Thank you so much for your support ??
At this point, that might be your best option.
If you are afraid tp talk with your therapist when she is around because of her reactions, you are being abused. And yes, that is abusive. Listen to your therapist. That's what they spent years in university studying about.
Time to fuck all of them! At once! By having a meeting in HR where they get fucking fired for this!
Lol, except my parents are nonbelievers (as am I) and sent me to Catholic school for fifteen years. So my perspective may be skewed.
That is some shit for the streets……makes out with you……sees your asleep,…now I can sneak off and get railed by his best friend……comes back and is loving on you again. I won't even tell you where her mouth was before making out with you again. Her and your so called friend would be put to the curb, with authority.
Pick out the cutest one and take the prize pool to yourself obv
The mental gymnastics of having a 3sum at work….lol
Thank you for putting this into words. The casualness with which OP dismisses her own well being is abysmal and is a key clue to the fact that this relationship is abusive and flawed in more ways than we know from only this post
Dude, forget her. Break it off with her and let her go. Find someone who likes you for you and just wants to be with you.
Don't waste anymore time with her.
My breasts have drastically changed with two kids. They are also changing as I age. My partner told me he loves my breasts. For a long time, I didn't believe him. Huge and milk-engorged, or smaller and more floopy… He pays the exact same attention. I've been thicker and therefore fuller, and I've also been borderline emaciated (illness related). Same attention. Wouldn't we all prefer to have a say in how our bodies look? Of course! But we don't. And I can tell you, testicles are just as prone to gravity as breasts, so take comfort in that
Maybe a relationship isn't all about texting?
I would be talking to the Chief of Police to find out why an officer would contact your midwife. As far as taking your baby from you they have no reason to do that unless you are doing things that put the baby at risk. Do you have family to help you? If so stick with them and steer clear of him.
You need to cut him out. If he endangers your baby, they will take the baby … in the US they would…
❌This is a huge red flag. She’s being unnecessarily overly jealous. Usually if someone does that (as in they suspect that you’re cheating or something like that) they are possibly doing it themselves and are projecting. Of course that’s not a guarantee but I would see this as a huge red flag if I’m being honest
she walked out, slept unprotected with another man, and went back to sleep with you,
this girl is beyond you, not suitable for serious relationships and not monogamous
What can I say to someone who doesn't have self-respect, I don't think your daughter will respect you either.
keep living with him, if she dumps you after cheating on you many times, the relationship is over, you have character issues.
Hey dude, love does not conquer all. That is complete bullshit.
Not only did she text the guy. She also made a conscious effort to keep it a secret because she change the name. I guarantee you more shit is going on as she is telling you.
You have already proven that she can walk all over you say she’s sorry and you just take her back.
It takes more than love to make a relationship and the sooner you get that through your thick noggin the better off you’ll be. Good luck, my friend.
Stay at a hotel?
Should I agree to it for the sake of not losing the relationship
That ship has sailed. If you aren't into it, this relationship was toast the moment she asked about it.
I think the right question to start out with is 'why'.
Omg, are you even reading what you’re writing? Having your feelings hurt and even expressing them isn’t abusive and I don’t know where did that even come from. The first time he said no to your request you call him an asshole and use the fact that he hasn’t said no before against him.
Most people would think about it “damn, my bf accommodates my insane requests 9 times out of 10. He’s awesome!”. You think of it “how this asshole dares to say no to me the 10th time I ask when he said yes the previous nine?!”
She's implying that you DID at some point give her a concrete answer and agreed to have at least two kids. You seem to claim that it was never really talked about (apart from joking?) – so which is it? I feel like you probably set yourself up for failure by not communicating properly about life decisions.
That doesn't mean it would be a good idea to compromise and have children that you dont really want. Hopefully you can at least talk through it and rebuild that trust. Recognize your fault and validate her feelings. If you get indignant and defensive about it, its all over.
I think it depends on the person. Me personally, no. If I have sexual chemistry with someone it will be apparent from the outset. I think some people are different. But in saying that, in your position I think I wouldn't be holding much hope. Ime if someone isn't sexual at the beginning, it will only get worse as time goes by. I would cut my losses honestly.
Jesus OP I’m sorry but what is wrong with you? You’re setting yourself up for a life of pain, she’s going to keep cheating, it’s in her nature. End this relationship and get therapy to work on your self-esteem issues, you’re better than this.
So if you aren't interested in a relationship why does it matter?
Some people pull of the being friends thing, depends on how they broke up and how they interact with each other. Unless you are more than talking I wouldn't worry about it. When you are actually relationship capable then have a discussion about it and ask to meet the ex.
“Am I the one who needs to better control their emotions? Is there a way to fix this?”
Yes and yes. You need to control your emotions by not exposing yourself to an assh*** cun** that tries to manipulate you and berates you. And that's easily fixed by dumping him.
Cant explain why you would have tolerated that behaviour for 2 full years.
Spreading dangerous misinformation and lying about your “source” with no proof whatsoever is only going to cause more mentally ill people to be mistreated and harmed. If anyone is dangerous here, it's you and your fear mongering bullshit.
“Pump the breaks I just want to be friends. I realized I don't like you like that. And if you eventually get to a place where you want a relationship be less clingy.”
Tell her you know you have the proof. Are you sure the child is yours? Are you willing to make your relationship work after that?
It’s called manipulation.And he is garbage.
He knows you will self-defense yourself and then plays the victim.
You can either end it or wait until things are out of control.
You reap what you sow
I think at this point all you can do is let your wife know you understand why she is upset, you accept it, and that you now see that your ex is manipulating you and has taught your daughter to do the same. Don’t try to defend your choice to be at her wedding, but don’t apologize for going either. You were in an impossible situation and made a choice. You learned from that choice, and letting your wife know that you see that there has been a lot of manipulation, and that you want to be there 100% for her – and for your new baby, so she doesn’t end up like Amanda, and hope that your wife will allow it.
As for Amanda – she is an adult now. She needs boundaries. Don’t apologize for leaving. Don’t defend it. Tell her that you love her and that you want to have a relationship with her, but that you will not neglect your family to do so. If she chooses to go NC, that is her choice, and as an adult she needs to make that decision rather than using her relationship with you as a bargaining chip. And as for your ex – your child with her is grown, and she’s married. There is no reason for you to have any relationship with her at all.
Hm. See what the rape advisory service has to say first. They are the experts, after all. And I am sorry because this sounds so difficult and stressful, to say the least.
Your eldest daughter needs to grow up and accept that you're not always going to be able to prioritise her. You've fallen in to a trap where your daughter assumes the worst of you and every time you don't do exactly what she wants, she takes that as more evidence of just how much of a terrible dad you are. Problem is that she will never give you credit for the good things that you do. Sounds to me like this situation has been crafted by Betty and you're never going to win. You need to lay down the law with Amanda and put rules in place. There should never be a blanket rule that you'll always prioritise Amanda over your wife, thats insane, especially now that Amanda is an adult.
Manipulation and abuse. That's the name for it. You could also make a strong argument that it's gaslighting, as he is threatening you into reacting and then invalidating your reaction to style you the villain.
Great advice honestly I will try this
I notice money/finance/investment involved from you to him – I hope you have a prenup
it is tearing us apart
Lisa?
Your gf asked you out, fucked your best-friend who at the time didn't know that she asked you out, and then went back to you like nothing happened. That's fucked up to say the least. She's probably destroyed your friendship, your trust in her, and your mental health since it's eating you from within since the past year.
Bin this psychopath and find someone better, you'll never get over it and it's only ending with you either becoming clinically depressed, you ending up hating her or hating your best-friend.
Didn't mention it was a repeat, it's not happening again. Just tried to get another view on the story since a bit of time have passed
I get being a jerk at 13 to the new wife whose only 10 years older, but at 24?? Grow up.
UpdateMe!
Thank you, that’s the most helpful advice I have read so far. And you are right, I need to focus on myself. I think that the way I see things at the moment are affected by being in a difficult relationship for such a long time. Thank you so much.
Geez, this guy can't win at all. Your prior post about you thinking he hit you while you slept or something is ridiculous.
exactly! In other subs it's usually just a randomised username or a load of random numbers, not some cheesy name
You have to make life long choices for this to work. Cutting out cookies and snacks for two months, losing weight and then going back to eating cookies and snacks just starts the weight gain cycle again.
Clean out your pantry- do not bring food into the house that offers no nutrition, but only good taste. Force yourself to have to go out and buy the chips or snacks.
Use smaller plates, bowls etc to make portion sizes more appropriate. Incorporate more fish into your diet. find low cal snacks to stock up on.
Likewise- working out to lose weight is great- but useless if you are only doing it to lose weight and not a commitment to working out in the future. Find a different activity you both can commit to doing on a regular basis. It does not have to be a gym, and frankly, unless you are being trained, who is to say you are doing anything correctly at the gym? Is there a community pool you can go to for a swim? A nice park for a long walk? Something you can commit to doing nearly every day?
Then he’s paying his bills and being responsible.
Only thing I’d insist on knowing is his income if you plan to cohab as I feel that shared expenses should be managed based on % of total income.
I make a lot more than my partner and it was important to me when we moved in together that I pull my weight financially.
Think with your brain, not your heart. Find a GOOD therapist.
Based on this post and your past posts about him, you need to get in therapy to get over whatever it is that you’re stuck in.
Your dude sounds like a genuinely good guy – don’t be the relationship that breaks him.
Me and my ex happened to be at the same party, we got talking, and walked together for 20 minutes on the way home to continue the conversation. That was it.
I didn’t tell my bf because “we had broken up” for a week or so and when we got back together I wasn’t obliged to tell him what I was doing when we were apart.
I understand that which I why I said “typically”.
So ask your bank for the details of the charge? How could your friend have charged it without the card? Figure out if it could have been someone else.
Or ask your friend.
Keep the evidence backed up in a safe place. But yes, you need to confront your wife. It's a hot conversation and it sux. I'd bring it up softly first. Make up a friend or colleague that is going through this with his wife or girlfriend… See what she says and maybe she'll confess it if guilt sets in…. But at some point you'll have to show her what. You've seen. Maybe get more evidence first too. The other apps. Pictures she sent…. Whatever you can get your hands on. Sorry man. Don't know what to tell ya.
Sorry this guy sucks, there is no other interpretation. He ignored your birthday deliberately.
It is cheating emotionally cheating.
Should I add my version? I just reset and deleted the SIMs file.
If you read what I posted, I said that wasn't his fault. He was in a tough situation. But babies rarely ever arrive on their due date, so yeah on the month of birth you stay with wifey. Leaving your wife 3 hrs away when she can pop at any moment isn't awesome. It's a painful and scary experience, especially if the person who helped create that life isn't there. Saying that Tiffany should have known better is bs, she has a right to be mad. He tried to get there after his daughter's wedding. For his wife it may be enough. For me it wouldn't be. And OP openly admits he cancels things with his wife on the regular…so yeah it is the same. Agree to disagree on this one.
She's trying to isolate you from your family. There is nothing wrong with hanging out with your mom once every 2-3 weeks. Your gf sounds toxic.
It's totally normal to be jealous when he is wining and dining another woman. If he refuses to talk about it I wouldn't bother sticking around.
Maybe that’s why it took me so long to actually make it official. Thank you for your advice
My question pertains to the snapchat issue. If you’ve never had this issue then you don’t have to comment. It’s a very simple question
I want to, not right now obviously, but he believes I don't because I don't initiate because I don't constantly think about sex.
It seems that she is missing the previous bus by minutes, I wonder if there is a way for her to leave a bit earlier, just in time for the previous bus.
Well, what do you want? To be friends or like stop talking completely?
Well, what do you want? To be friends or like stop talking completely?
The ick I would get if my husband did this.
He doesn’t respect you, and he’s selfish. This sounds like emotional abuse and a clumsily obvious attempt at manipulation. I suggest you try another separation, and don’t come back… but these are your decisions to make.
I had kind of a similar situation. My boyfriend at the time and I started out casually dating. On our first date, we both mentioned we don’t really like to date multiple people at once, so I assumed that was the case.
Fast forward a year and a half later, we’ve moved in together and somehow it got brought up that he actually had a date with another woman a week after our first date and felt obligated to go on it still. Fine, I could deal with that. But then he said he went home with her and had sex. It was I guess a one night stand situation where he had already decided he didn’t want to date her again, but decided to still go home with her.
Not gonna lie, it shattered me. I spent a week or so trying to figure out how I felt about the situation. I ultimately came to the decision that, had I been in his shoes, I might’ve made a different choice in terms of going home with someone I didn’t care about, but ultimately at that point in time (just a couple dates under our belt at this point) he didn’t owe me the details of his personal life. I had to basically let go of the story I thought we had of falling in love and understand that, honestly, the things I was scared of at the time were true — AND — that’s ok.
I was scared he was dating other people when we weren’t exclusive because of my own insecurities of not being good enough. I had to ask myself, could I get over the realization of that insecurity nightmare or should I end things here? Either way, it wasn’t about what he did or didn’t do — it was about what I could online with.
You have to ask yourself if you can let go and move forward. That means not letting this become an issue going forward. You also have to make sure you can understand this is a YOU thing, not a HER thing. It’s not fair to hold this against her when she didn’t do anything wrong.
Ultimately, I got over it because I knew I loved him and that he never meant to hurt me, and we had done so much growing and falling in love since then that I wasn’t ready to throw away a future with him. We got married in 2021.
You could hang out at ski resort. Just walk, sit, and chill with them. They can’t expect they ski together on same path. Lol.
He's not worried, he wants to string you along and keep you as a backup plan. Stop feeling guilty or responsible for this pile of garbage. He's made his choice and you have every right to make yours to preserve your mental health and restore your spirit.
“Sorry, I misheard it for 'going out with friends'. So, are you going to fight in the war and aren't sure to come back alive?”
Who cares about the neighbor? Your husband took her number. And gave his own. That is alarming. What does he have to say for himself?
it wont get better. it will get worse and you'll start seeking refuge in your room constantly to escape his mess and the relationship will deteriorate. if he is not receptive to a conversation about him needing to change his habits, you may need to consider moving out or breaking up
I'll be blunt. He doesn't want to be with you anymore.
If he did, he would want you to come. He doesn't.
this is true and i appreciate the honesty because it is what i need
So you're saying he has to hardly be in his new child's life to make it even and “fair” for this grown ass adult to be happy?
HAHAHA fr tho.
Also, “Please don't mention the 20-year age difference” – people who post here but don't read the content in this sub.
Don't ask him for help. It's not “help”; that would only be the right term if all the cleaning & tidying is your job or your responsibility, which it is not. It's his place, it's not help to clean up after yourself in your own place. This is basic adulting, so i don't know how you get him to understand that if he doesn't already. In fact, he probably does understands that already, he just thinks he can get away with treating you like a housemaid.
But as for your original question – do you have to date a skin forever? No: you can leave.
You’re too old to be dealing with a relationship like this-she honestly sounds exhausting and perhaps even mentally unbalanced.. this is not a healthy relationship
My only conclusion is it’s now time for YOU to improve. Put in the work that he would like to see.
Going from one extreme to another is still extreme. It’s not healthy to be like that. Safe to assume something will crack in the future if this keeps ip
She’s not really giving you a chance to feel your feelings. You’re allowed to desire PIV and at the same time respect that she doesn’t want it. You shouldn’t lie about what you want, and she needs to understand that you’re desire for PIV doesn’t mean you’re unfulfilled with her.
I’m disabled and I’m in physical therapy. Yeah it’s exhausting and it would be easier not to do it. But I also know that I have issues that CAN be worked on with the right support.
Dating is hot when you have health issues, but there’s a give and take. I hope my partner accommodates me and helps me when they can, but I also have to understand that not everyone can handle being with someone like me and that I have to pull my own weight as well!
Also, is it a matter of her not not wanting to deal with the therapy, or does she actually just have no desire to do PIV? like is she asexual/ penis repulsed?
it’s so damn obvious too something something intentions
I feel like you really scared the shit out of him when you separated and he's decided to be better. But you're right, he can't keep up this selflessness forever. I would recommend therapy–both couples and individual.
None, she laughed and I walked away right away without saying anything else
Fire the counselor and consult an attorney. Make a plan to end this. Your husband doesn't care. He's never going to help.
So what's the point of posting here, you're not going to hear anything new.
Well he’s clearly not a 10/10 because 1) he’s dumb and 2) he’s kind of a dick.
So this is either fake, or you intentionally are posting over and over how you “didn't know what to do at 17” when you knew what the fuck to do?
You've made so many comments were you yourself highlight your age without anyone mentioning it. This has got to be fake.
Is this supposed to be some creative writing assignment? A kink?
You wouldn't repeatedly say you were 17 over and over and over, then ask “why” in response to my question. No person actually in this situation would do that. Only someone writing a fake story wanting attention would do that.
He threw in the moms face that he is a diagnosed sociopath and that he got her daughter pregnant and there’s nothing she can do about it. The abortion suggestion is over the line but they should absolutely be more understanding why the mom is panicking. Straight up telling OP to go no contact without an attempt on trying to figure out an alternate is absolutely inappropriate. The fact that all of this is happening after he got her pregnant only makes it more concerning.
I mean yes but did she do it back or ignore it? Dude you clearly don’t trust her. It’s over and you’ll never trust her and honestly you seem a little crazy.
And everyone is saying that they “hope she gives up on being child-free.” Shows you how much respect our decisions really get.
Oh good god do not “test” your partner. It’s absolute bullshit and manipulative. If you reach the point of paying a stranger to tempt them, do you actually see a way of coming back from that? Truly? Because I don’t see that ending well at all no matter what the person tells you.
It’s understandable to be insecure about it, but it probably really is for the kids. Especially if he contributes anything financially to them right now, which would be gone if he passed. He probably just doesn’t want to leave his kids destitute and giving it to his ex if something should happen to him is more reasonable since they’d likely need the money before they turn a certain age should that extra financial support vanish.
That's what I'm like. I don't want to give birth or care for a baby. A four to six year old is the age I'd want to adopt.
Reminds me of my psychopathic narcissist who was a pro at manipulating. He swept me off my feet in the beginning.
Your husband is intimidated by and feels emasculated by you, but that's a him problem. I'd tell him in no uncertain terms will I be putting up with bullshit like this from him, and he can either go to marriage counseling and get it together, or he can be single. Unfortunately he's her father so you can't stop him from saying these things around her, but you can online by example, provide her opportunities, and let her know all of the time the things you love about her that make her who she is.
He was mocking the mother. Rubbing it in that he has her daughter knocked up, in love, and vulnerable, and there's nothing mom can do to save her.
He's shown his next step is to isolate her. He'll make her choose, and she'll choose him. Sad she had to drag a tiny innocent child into being a living pawn for him.
Well yeah, she’s a sociopathic AI robot. Hence why when people write sociopathic characters, the best script writers research sociopaths. Hence why “silence of the lambs”, is still to this day one of the most accurate versions, besides “American Psycho”, of what a male sociopath is like in two different forms.
Your mother loves you and cares about your safety. You should consider yourself lucky, many redditors would love to have family that gives a shit and is active in their lives as adults.
Anti-social personality disorder is a scary one, there is no doubt about that. I used to be a care manager for people suffering from mental illness as well as substance abuse disorders. I managed the healthcare of a few patients with confirmed diagnosed anti-social personality disorder and let me just tell you, it is a hot diagnosis to actually get. The patients I had all were diagnosed because they did something extreme at a very young age, and were court ordered to be examined by a psychiatrist. I had access to all of their health records, including psychotherapy notes. I’m talking about stabbing their sibling because they were “curious” about pain, murdering the neighbors dog to take it apart like an experiment, and setting fires to their parents bedroom in the middle of the night.
And this is as children
I will be getting on birth control but I will no longer be with him.
You're not going to like most of what I say, but you should listen to it, because I was you, thirty some years ago.
First of all, let's break this down a little bit.
You describe your parents as “supportive, loving, and kind people,” which may be true. It isn't always easy for teenagers to be objective about their own parents.
You've asked something of your parents. You asked them to not give you “stuff.” I asked this of my mother, hundreds of times. She never listened. I too, thought my mom was “supportive, loving, and kind people,” despite her refusal to listen to my very well thought out request.
If you've asked your parents in plain language not to buy you things, and they keep buying yo things, is that really all that kind? They're being selfish, and telling you that your wants don't mean as much as their wants. And it's very confusing when you've grown up in a house like this, but the very unconscious message is that your feelings don't really matter.
And yes, my mother loved me, hugged me a lot, told me I was a good person, she wasn't abusive in the cliched sense, but she was (in a million ways not relevant here) very much not focused on listening to my needs. Which taught me that my needs weren't really important enough to be met.
And as an adult, looking for adult relationships, I didn't ever feel like my needs being met or feeling listened to was very important.
So I had a lot of very neglectful abusive relationships before I got into therapy.
So dramatic, right?
Right.
Except that this is the way some parents are narcissists, and feed their own egos before they support their children.
Maybe this isn't you, but it's something to think about. This is actually something that could go either way – you could learn to adapt and mask your real feelings, and develop the habot of saying “thank you” like a good daughter should, hide the things, and throw them away, donate, or sell them sooner.
That would be swallowing the bullshit that your feelings don't matter. Not healthy for you in the long run, but it'll make it easy today. “just forget it!”
You could start setting the boundaries that are 100% essential to be able to maintain in adult life, developing life skills that will keep you from being a victim of narcissists later on. Tell them that you love that they want to show you how much they love you, but it needs to also be on your terms. That you're not 6 any more, and you have different interests. That you would like to give them some ideas for your next gift-giving opportunity. And if it doesn't work, you can escalate by telling them that from now on, no matter how much it might (or might not) hurt their feelings, you'll be leaving their gifts with them from now on, and they can keep them or return them.
You're so wrapped up in their feelings, but…what about yours? They hurt your feelings when they refuse to take you seriously. When they refuse to listen to plain words describing what you would like from them, gift or otherwise.
And if escalating doesn't work, you can just tell them that you won't be attending any gift-giving events until they stop giving you gifts you don't like.
I know, it all sounds to overthought and extreme, right?
It's not, really. You are asking your parents for consideration, and to listen to you, and they are making the choice not to. Make this a hill to die on, because it only gets worse if you don't stop it now. If you continue to put their feelings above yours, you will find this “breakup” moment between your parents and the child they stlll think of you as much more difficult in ten years, or twenty, or thirty.
No one is saying that the bf shouldn't get proper care and support. People are warning OP about her thinking that she's magically special and he's not showing a lack of empathy only to her. Those are important things to keep in mind especially considering they have a child coming. The abortion comment was out of line but the concerns weren't. As a care worker shouldn't you be able to draw a line and plainly state the impacts of it so that people's expectations are clear and they can more accurately support the person?
Have you thought about asking him why it's important to him?maybe it symbolizes something you haven't considered.
Against all reddit comments, try explainig how you feel, communicate.
Best of luck❤️
Regardless of whether it’s personal or cultural, it sounds like you are not compatible
Yeah I get what you mean, asking him to come over just to be broken up with is stupid. I hope it just doesn't end up messy. Thanks for the advice!
Spark in marriage takes work and effort. Only boring people get bored.
In future maybe don't ask to see videos of your gf banging other dudes if you're not a fan of the reality.
However it isn't a competition because she's your gf, not that other guys.
Imagine a whole island of just terribly embarrassed people lol
“Welcome to “Where No One Knows Your Name” island. Your file says you shit the bed of a new girl you were seeing. That's a level 2 offense, so you'll be in cabin B to the south. Here are your new glasses with large nose and mustache disguise, we suggest you wear it at all times in public. Enjoy your new life!”
I think it would be a nice gesture for him to buy her a nice new set if they were meeting up again. If she doesn't want to see him, sye shouldn't be sending an invoice and if it were me I would just put it behind me and try to forget the whole thing.
This is basically identical to my most embarrassing secret that only a couple close friends (and the owner of the bed) know about. It was over 10 years ago and I still feel the absolute embarrassment just thinking about it.
Occasionally people lose control of their bodies. It sucks for him more than you. Don’t dwell on it, and move on, so he can as much as possible.
Block and delete
If that's what you think then you're clearly with the wrong person. She already made her decision and it seems like it is a deal-breaker for you.
Report them stolen and cancel and replace them. Stop having contact with him, he's trying to mess with you. Yes, he is this dumb.
OP you are smart, capable, and strong. If you cannot find courage for yourself, find it for your daughter. Do you want her to grow up with a dad that tell her that her purpose in life is to marry rich and be a baby factory?
Soooooo the mans could potentially have a bowel issue. Ibs, chrons, ulcerative colitis…etc. he’s probably hella embarrassed so its up to you to reach out if you like him enough to proceed a relationship.
About the sheets, personally i find it offensive if u sent a bill for them. Were they expensive? Also maybe it’ll show his character if he replaces them without you having to send a bill. He realizes what happened.
disgusting. dump his stupid ass.
My God, do NOT have a baby with this woman!
Question from an European here. What do people do during the dating phase ? Do they display affection in public ? Do they have sex? It’s so mysterious for me (we don’t have that kind of culture I guess)
Question from an European here. What do people do during the dating phase ? Do they display affection in public ? Do they have sex? It’s so mysterious for me (we don’t have that kind of culture I guess)
Sounds like your wife just wants to bang her friend. Not really interested in the threesome. I would either just send them this link, and say it's a bad idea. Or just watch them and don't join in.
I noticed you have not found anything positive to say about your wife in your entire post.
Why do you even want to stay together?
It is cheating.
You need to absolutely go through him and kick him out.
So ironic that men will want to raise to daughters to be one way but when looking for a partner they want something completely different
He was probably initially attracted to you because you were independent and he didn’t feel like a walking bank, but that’s how he wants to raise your daughter?
This is obviously a lie because my wife is an absolute 10 right here right now.
Yea. Don't do it. Fking around always turns into something more.
Hi, bisexual who was figuring stuff out while on a relationship, you know what I never and would never do? Get on a dating app behind my partner's back. “I'm confused” is a pile of bullshit, he might be confused, sure, he's also a lying POS who belongs to the streets!
I wouldn't want to kick him to the curve, it doesn't matter if he meets this guy or not, he has already cheated. Only wait if you have things to figure out/gather to make the separation go smoothly and you think he'll make things difficult
This ?
Exactly ???
Bad idea. If I were you I'd back down so hot that even shrimps would come asking me about swimming tips.
The chances this will blow up in you faces are.. well 100%. Especially when there's a close friend involved.
Kinda makes me wonder why your wife suggested that. And with her BFF no less.
Time for a long deep conversation with your spouse.
Just remember to give a lot of attention to your wife.
If you stay with him, then yes, you are going to have to be with a slob forever. If that is ok, stay. If it isn't, go, because he won't be changing.
I did not read the rest of your post after the first paragraph.. I didn't need anymore reasons for why you should leave this guy. Before he starts doing some other dumb stuff.
You sound like a stable, trusting, confident woman and girlfriend and it sounds like he has never experienced that before you. Your responses are normal to us but not to someone who's only ever experienced the opposite. Not to make excuses for him, that doesn't make what he is doing okay in the slightest and this isn't something that you've broken so I don't think you should have to fix it either.
You're in a different place than he is emotionally and mentally. Maybe right now isn't the best time for him to be in a relationship. It sounds like he could use a little help.
Yes I did ask, but not in the context of him giving me an actual, real rating! I was 100% sure he would continue the playfulness of the conversation. I never asked to be rated based on how I look! Let alone my personality. That came out of nowhere.
I was jokingly asking if I was perfect just as his cat is. She scratched him real bad in his sleep not too long ago, and I do or say something stupid from time to time but we're both “perfect” in the eyes of those who loves us. Him, in this scenario. But clearly I was wrong lol
We will figure things out, thanks for your comment 🙂
And you’re 12 lol
You’re right she doesn’t and when she tells me about it i remove or resolve the issue but this rando is apparently important to her
This☝?! He has no respect for her. I couldn’t be with somebody that thought of me like that. He dismissed her too. Not cool.
OP she does not love you she is a predator and your a victim
she didn't choose to be with you because your nice smart funny or cute. No, she chose you because you were a lonely depressed 18-year-old with no real-world experience that she could take advantage of and use and abuse.-
OP she is a lying cheating sucmbag who doesn't care about anyone but herself your not her boyfriend just Affair partner her dirty secret. Also if she threatens suicide call 911 and let them handle her. Plus if this is how she treats her husband what more will she do to you
OP this is not a healthy relationship i get why you keep coming you think this is the best your going to get. But OP i promise you there is a woman for you who will respect you build you up not manipulate who will be honest and open with you. How can you say she loves you when you don't know what love is especially since you have never been in a healthy relationship and this is not it.
You should have never told him how much you have in your bank account. The “big” thing you should be shopping for is a new boyfriend because this one will start to take advantage of you and your money.
I was concerned that you expected to be crazily underpaid as an engineer.
As far as the rest is concerned, you should not invest with him.
This is what John Wayne Gacy did to his victims before he raped and murdered them.
This!! This is an bsolutely great way for OP to explain to him why she’s breaking up with him!!!!!!!!! He gave her a “C” for looks and a “D” for personality!
If her friend is not hiding it (or hid it but now has been caught), and is not continuing the infidelity, I wouldn't see an issue. People make mistakes. That's a pretty big one, but your wife isn't condoning it or keeping it a secret.
Unless all her friends are similarly shitty, this shouldn't reflect poorly on your wife.
I decided to bring it up and asked what she said, and she just admitted everything and said it was a joke between her siblings and wasn't serious. She apologized a bunch of times and I trust her but I just don't know if I can trust if it was a joke or not.
Okay. Pretty people are nice to look at. It’s natural. Remember that he chose you. Let this go.
He's also endangering a puppy. The sweet thing NEEDS shots and training. Even basic training is necessary. Dogs that are t trained can hurt people, even by mistake, and one to many calls about the dog it can be put down.
OP should take the dog and dump the man.
OP, I was in the same boat as you a few years ago. I was even 23 at the time, as well.
I met a guy after moving from STL to Colorado, after three years of dating and living together in CO we took a huge leap and moved to Oregon together.
Two years into our Oregon era, I find his Grindr account. Except my ex was still fully convinced he was 115% straight. He was exchanging nudes and talking to them super submissively and stuff. I was shocked at that side of him, he’d kept it hidden so well from me.
Yes, honey, that’s cheating. I am so, so sorry. No, you don’t have to give him a second chance. Yes, it’s likely to happen again.
Please look out for yourself, and leave him. 🙁
First time he did it I would have walked. Don’t ever tolerate anyone treating you like you are less than human. Ever…
You need to date a guy’ Girls are all like that’ freaking moaning’
I had to get a Criminal psychology degree to advance in my job. My job was anti human trafficking. To say I got chills reading your story would be a understatement. There are about 30 serial killers that started this exact same way. He used your friendship to act out a control fantasy. These fantasies grow. What is this leading too? Never do this again. Let me repeat. NEVER DO THIS AGAIN!
If your 100% sure, I think you're mom is being a gaslighting cunt.
Frankly, since you're 19, I'd start making moves to try and be independent. Won't be easy, but get out from your mom's umbrella.
Hey, thank you. I hope you have a really nice day.
Then why wouldn't she say she was visiting a friend?
Just say the truth. Stop lying people, but again their are only 20 years old
And what? You tell your wife I don't want you talking to her friend anymore? Because she might catch the cheating virus? Your wife has given you no reason to doubt her loyalty. Your wife can distance herself if she doesn't want to associate with someone like that.
‘Cul-de-sac’ can be translated clumsily to ‘end of the bag’, which is potentially where Tolkien’s ‘Bag End’ comes from.
I’d have to agree with others. Being alone with this dude is how you end up murdered and turned into a Netflix special 30 years from now.
Never talk to that dude again. He’s not a friend and has serious issues.
8 billion people on the planet. Go find a new friend.
I cant see your comment.
I cant see your comment.
I mean you did give consent, it is weird but wierder is you let it happen and now are like wtf happened lol. I mean….make better choices???
I cant see your comment.
No, it isn't wrong.
I’m sorry :/ I think maybe if you do talk to the apartment and let know what he’s doing then they might be able to cut your lease short or offer you a new apt in their complex. Idk, but it really wouldn’t hurt asking them what your options considering the situation
You mean a legal woman near his age that he can fantasize about without feeling dirty?
She doesn't even need to bother, she's got him under her thumb, he's scared to even confront her.
I personally think a sign is great. I would be flattered if I saw that!
Just make it funny and you are good!
She seems to have moved on and rightfully so. Let her go. She deserves someone who knows he is attracted to women and gives her his full attention.
You can still coparent and have a great relationship, but it sounds like this ship has sailed.
Don't do it. The fact you are questioning it means no.
In my honest opinion the only time that you should ever go without a condom, even with birth control, is if you are willing to accept being a parent. Especially as a male. You get no ability to decide whether the child is born after the injection.. but you sure as hell get responsibility for it regardless.
In my opinion, this is unacceptable. Brushing, at least once a day in the morning, is mandatory. If my husband couldnt do that, I’d be a single woman. No hesitation.
Your husband is a pedophile. Which if you guys ever decide to have children it’s going to be a big deal. You’re not going to feel safe with your young girls around him. This is one I would really leave the marriage for one way or the other because you’re a grown adult woman he’s going to lose interest if that is his interest level. And secondly, it’s a criminal act watching child porn at all.
If this isn't a troll… please seek help.
She wants to fuck the BF's brother
You realize this is a federal crime right?
If you're both cool with toys/bdsm you could tie her up with various toys correctly positioned to keep her satisfied until you're ready to tap in.
You need to end this relationship now. He needs to concentrate on himself – there is absolutely nothing you can do to get him to stop drinking and to change him. You need to go to therapy too – to figure out why you think this is a healthy relationship at all. You should also go to Al Anon. If he did kill himself – it would absolutely not be your fault. He is messed up.
get your IDs, money (transfer/take out money if he has the ability to block or drain accounts) take a weekend bag of essential stuff and go to your parents’ house right away (assuming you have a good family, otherwise the next best trusted person or a motel) – you need to contact a divorce lawyer and also report him to the police or you could be an accomplice. This stuff is highly immoral and illegal.
The people producing the photos hurt those girls even if your husband has not directly touched any little girls (yet) he is hurting them too with this activity. This kind of behavior is so out of bounds you can’t stay married and have kids with him
You need to take him to therapy asap. This guy has issues. Other things as going to come up unless you get to the root of these issues. Marriage counselling or even just personal counselling for him. His reaction was insane.
Ya, that doesn't sound like a partnership or happy relationship. Emotional abuse isn't the only reason to end a relationship and life is so much easier when you're not dragging dead weight around.
Block his butt and be glad the trash took itself out. His behavior is childish and a red flag.
Sorry, there is nothing definitive to point to staying at an unknown guy’s house all night and lying about it. They had not even talked at this point.
Yep you messed up majorly. You should never ever touch or kiss somebody without their consent. They can’t consent if they’re asleep.
Tell him to get more stuff done around the house, since he's not working. Also keep on his case about job hunting.
As to your big decision, there's no clear cut answer. But if his lack of motivation annoys you, kick his butt a little bit (speaking metaphorically, of course).
Thank you for your comment. Yes, kids are definitely on hold right now.
Tell him to get more stuff done around the house, since he's not working. Also keep on his case about job hunting.
As to your big decision, there's no clear cut answer. But if his lack of motivation annoys you, kick his butt a little bit (speaking metaphorically, of course).
Thank you for your comment. Yes, kids are definitely on hold right now.
Buy her a vibrator, if she still insists on banging other guys as an alternative break up. I’d break up the second she’d even suggest that tbh
Thankyou for proving my point. I hope you nothing but the best in your future endeavors, including your next Reddit argument, as you didn't do too well here.
There’s not more context at all. That’s in the post, I saw that myself. Both parts seem like a massive over reaction and controlling behaviour from OP.
She said she felt bad and thats why she told me.
Have you asked her when and how it came about that she sleeps hot?
Who influenced that? Did SD have a part in that conversation?
I would feel creeped the fuck out. How does your gf not know how WILDLY inappropriate that is? She’s either naive and maybe been groomed by him or she is banging her stepdad. This is really fucking weird and there’s no way I’d be able to just forget about it after she just said oh, oops, I didn’t realize that was bad.
When I left my abusive relationship, I lost everything and I had overnight except for one.
It was still the best decision I ever made for my life.
If they’re not on your side of the situation, they’re not your friends
Yeah, I guess.
I understand OP breaking up with her, but I feel bad for her too. This is life-ruining stuff.
She has the right to change her mind just like has the right to be upset that she flip flopped. She, by definition, backpedaled. And i don't care who you are, when someone goes back on what they said it can be frustrating, add the stresses of a relationship to that and.. The main point i was trying to make was that him just wanting to cheat is a baseless claim.
He's creep and you are well rid of him! He shared your intimate pictures with his buddy! On top of all the cheating! I'm sorry he also conned you out of all of your savings. The red flag you missed up front was him moving so fast in the relationship. Staying with you for a week when you had only been dating 2 weeks should have triggered your instincts that he was moving way too fast, plus saying he wanted to get married within a couple of months. Online and learn, and be wary of love-bombing in the future. I'm sorry this happened to you. Stay strong and don't get sucked back in!
What advice are you looking for?
What's your ultimate goal, and is it feasible? Also, what work do you do now?
Good for you.
Unforeseen allies and helpers.
Here's the thing… it was less than $250k until interest kicked it up a notch. And it likely won't stop growing now. That's the worst part. When you pay on something like this, the ultimate goal is to not default for something like 10-20 years of minimum payments, then the loan is “forgiven.” But by that time, you've spent double or more of the original loan amount…but I don't think that's an option with private loans.
??♀️ I forgot to put that- How common/uncommon is it? The way it was worded made it seem like a requirement rather than something that was just normal.
Counseling, and I work as a Res Tech at a rehab.. so I’m at the company I want to be at.
The right answer when the girl you like asks your type is “you are my type, and we should go on a date”.
You’re young and your confusion is perfectly normal. I remember the frustration all too well.
Just chalk this up as a lesson learned. Women respect guys who are assertive and confident (note: not mean). You’ll have to pretend to be those things, but eventually it comes naturally,
Hire a cleaner and tell her to get a job or move out.
Do NOT have sex because when you start to push ,a baby is often the next step for the 'work avoident'
Let her blow up she is acting like you are her sugar daddy. You are complaining about cleaning when the real problem is her being unmotivated to work or do anything productive with her life.
You nolonger respect her and she clearly doesn't respect you. I think the simple answer is tell her you nolonger love her and want a divorce , it may not be true YET but its not far off imo and it will get 1000 x worse if you have a child. Better to dump a wife than wait and destroy a family.
You’re both pretty shitty people. Honestly a match made in Heaven.
The reason I want closure is because I want to know what I did that made her feel this way. I didn’t notice anything different about her. A few days before all this started we had a little date on FaceTime, we spent Valentine’s Day together on FaceTime. I know I shouldn’t be fixated on just her and what she wants/thinks/feels. But even if she ends of telling me she doesn’t want to be with me i just want her to be happy. And I just feel betrayed, she was the one would always tell me the distance wouldn’t tear us apart, that she only wanted to be with me. And that’s okay if she’s changed her mind about that but I would like the truth if that’s the case
I have before, but he gets irritated when I tell him about it especially about his mom. I don’t know how to get through it aside from escaping for a few hours.
The thing is that anxiety can generally be managed if you really want to. I'm not saying it's easy but her attitude seems to imply she isn't optimistic about it. If my partner had any kind of health issue I'd expect them to be doing everything possible to deal with it. I might leave a diabetic who refused to manage their diet too.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I too was the sole emotional support for a relative who lurched from one dumpster fire to the next. I finally had to create some space when the one time I did open up to her, she suggested that I journal it instead. It's one way traffic only with some people. Take the next Exit and don't look back.
Am I (24f) being played (36m)?
Based on age alone, yes.
24 is too young and immature. I know you think you're mature. But as a mature adult, I knew fuck all at 24. Though I thought I knew everything.
What country do you online in? This could be key if incestual behavior behavior is more common or normal for him to react
He has breached your trust and you possibly don't feel safe around him. If it were me, we'd be done after this or, at the very least, take a huge step back in the relationship.
To be honest, I'd start getting my exit strategy ready and I'd not be in the house at all when he woke up. I think this is the end.
Lmao that’s fucked
Personal experience or advices?
He respects you for him to fuck you, but you cannot use his shower because you're “only a hookup”?
Tell him he can have his next date with his blow-up sex doll and don't meet up again. There are better people out there.
She is playing you. There is no way that she developed feelings for you and the fact that she is a sex worker and had sex with you without a condom should make you very worried. Go get an STD test and hope that she is on birth control.
You’re so fucked up, you don’t even know what loving and caring mean anymore.
Sorry this happened.
The reason getting back with exes largely fails as well as why people give advice to not pursue those situations is because there's a reason the relationship ended. In saying that, the relationship could only logically work if that issue was addressed. The problem is that exes usually reconnect out of loneliness or just focusing entirely on the positives. They get back together, the issue that caused their breakup creeps back up and it fails.
So you're here saying you just broke up. Reason being you projected your insecurities onto him due to past trauma and mental health issues. You're now taking steps to address these issues, which is great! Congratulations. You do, however, have more to do, and need additional resources.
So is the damage irreparable? We can't possibly know. Only you can know based on how things ended. I believe you can have a healthy relationship so long as your issues are legitimately managed. Can you win him back? Focus on fixing your issues and cross that bridge when you get to it. Again, we can't know. He may have decided how he feels forever. He may also accept what you tell him and give it a shot. But right now that's not what you should be focusing on. Assume he's gone. You're getting better for YOU, not him or anyone else. Good luck.
Well. You’re the one who has to online with him. Doesn’t sound like a safe environment though. And you have considerable contempt for him.
If I were you, I would calculate the exact dollar amount that is needed every month to cover your expenses without him and figure out a way to raise the money.
I would break up with him, ask him to move out, and then find a new roommate. Even if it’s a stranger in need of a month to month living situation. I’d also look for a side job too. It’s only temporary until your father’s estate is settled.
This situation is just untenable and is only going to get worse. It’s not worth the money.
I grew up with an alcoholic father. It is not easy and I still have issues to this day (36 now) from it. Also, if you share custody with your ex and this behavior continues, you really should let the children stay with their father until this is fixed, if you stay. Otherwise if he finds out and goes after full custody he may get it. The courts are different now a days and have no problem pulling children out of a home with an addict, I’m in the mental health field now and see this a lot from the children who attend therapy at my office. They may grant him even temporary full custody until substance abuse treatment is received for your fiancé. I do have a lot more f sympathy for addicts since my career started in addiction counseling however when their are children involved my first concern is always them. Please be careful, I wish you and your family the best.
It’s been a while since I saw this particular troll. Fascinating!
Wtf did I just read? He’s controlling and creepy. Run. You’ve been with him since you were 19-you may not know better but this is really not ok behavior.
Maybe they wanted to apologize and explain everything in person? You don’t know how other people process trauma, this person couldn’t even handle a phone call. They likely had a process for this. Trauma is not a get out of jail free card, but I’m surprised how much people are expecting from someone with what sounds like very fresh trauma
I know. I have self-esteem issues 🙁
Or engineering and IT
You are correct- no father. Also not GenZ… She and I are from the first generation that really suffered the consequences of the “college experience” I think.
Because he's a man. Period.
He also has a brother who is a mother's boy and who can do no wrong in her eyes and my bf does everything wrong and is constantly criticised.
In our country, the son that is supposed to inherit a farm usually stays at home and builds a “flat” in a separate story to have a separate households with his family. In this case, his older brother, golden child as you rightfully put it, took that floor and made himself his own flat.
For you, I think based on what you have written it will be beneficial for you to move out and online independently. (also getting some mental distance will help)
And also take a step back from renovating the grandmother's house. Don't put your time and effort and money into renovating a property that neither you nor your boyfriend own. If he wants to spend his time updating a family property that's his business. But if its not his property, and he doesn't have a good relationship with his parents, what's to stop them giving it to the older brother once it's been renovated?
For your boyfriend, if he was looking for advice, I'd suggest for him to step back from the whole situation and look at this analytically. What do his parents want? Do they want the older son to take on the farm and inherit everything? He's got the traditional property and seems to expect to keep it. Will they insist on the older son inheriting the farm?
What would happen if your BF decided to get a different job, and to move away (as younger siblings seem to do)?
And for this other property, is there any explicit stated agreement that you BF will own it in future? Or just live in it?
I'm concerned that your BF is working nude to support his parents and build a life, and they could potentially turn around and give everything to the older brother.
Is she in therapy? Can you get her a gift sub or something to talk space or better help? Does she need help gettimg a psychiatrist?
Is she in therapy? Can you get her a gift sub or something to talk space or better help? Does she need help gettimg a psychiatrist?
Might I ask why? You seem very set in your ways, but you chose to make an account to post this. Was this simply to vent, or are you actually asking for advice?
Might I ask why? You seem very set in your ways, but you chose to make an account to post this. Was this simply to vent, or are you actually asking for advice?
This is some pretty intentional and alarming behavior on her part. Her having this guy in her life in even this capacity is highly disrespectful to you and the relationship you two still share.
Might I ask why? You seem very set in your ways, but you chose to make an account to post this. Was this simply to vent, or are you actually asking for advice?
Not exactly, my brother is very kind and laid back. My husband always told me since he was an only child he envied our relationship because he didn't have that growing up. so yes and no he was envious (or I thought it was that and not jealousy).
My brother is not feeling well a all after all this coming on top of his relationship ending. I feel sad that something is ruined between my brother and me. He prob feels sick like me but also guilt because I'm having issues in my marriage.
A lot of times when I was younger we would see tourist attractions or food places and find some awesome people that are also excited to be there. Then we talked about where else we want to go or then and see if they want to join .
I would abandon your bf and cousin and find bomb as people and have fun. Learning from their side of life is supper fun too.
Your boyfriend already knows your upset . And who wouldn’t be . And I think it’s really important you try to talk to him, for the sole reason to see his reaction and how he treats you . You have to be with some one who is willing to sit and talk through stuff without exploding or guilting .
Sounds like being single would be easier than her toxicity
It's Mother's Day, not his mum's birthday. It's meant to be a day to celebrate all mothers, not just your own. What a weird take.
Best advice on this thread. I've seen this happen as well.
Just be honest and don't make a big deal of it. She will move on.
I really like how you are thinking of others, that is very kind.
Maybe I should… but I don’t think I have the courage to
Your husband accused you of having sex with your brother. No amount of therapy is going to take that back. Looking past how disgusting it is that he even got that notion in his head, he doesn't trust you. He doesn't even trust you to sleep in the same bed as your brother without fucking him. I would never be able to get past that, no matter what he did to try and make up for it. He destroyed your relationship.
Who needs trash with friends like you.
Why don't you just have the woman and see yourself out?
I dunno, ask other friends for any other handouts.
Well your father clearly feels like everyone present is his family, it's not the case for you.
But then, if you're not that comfortable with these other people, why are you comfortable telling your father he has bad manners in front of them? In your shoes, I'd have simply gone to get a spoon for the sauce and said, here Dad, let's not double dip when in company.
And it's not about family, more about living in close quarters. If you share a flat and a loo with a random person, you'll be sharing germs with that person even if you never even chat together. So it doesn't matter if your flatmate double dips. Of course if you've only ever lived with family it amounts to the same, but still.
You don't all online under the same roof so you're not all sharing the same germs, so you get a spoon.
The way you said it came across as rather aggressive and you were definitely excluding, so you might want to learn to say things more diplomatically.
And you don't berate family members in front of non-family either!
OK so once you use those words and he didn’t correct you then I think you’re probably right he is thinking that way. Counseling the only thing I can think of that would help you get past this and return to the life you want. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation but maybe couples therapy will help him understand that There is hope it just takes a lot of work
Everyone will die one day. Not just your parents.
Everyone will die one day. Not just your parents.
OK so once you use those words and he didn’t correct you then I think you’re probably right he is thinking that way. Counseling the only thing I can think of that would help you get past this and return to the life you want. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation but maybe couples therapy will help him understand that There is hope it just takes a lot of work
Ok Mr obvious alt account. I'll just repeat it to you again. If my advice is such shit, then why does it have upvotes? Most people aren't retarded and can understand what I wrote. Only shitheads who are being obtuse on purpose can't understand it.
YTA
Can't wait for your gf to realise she's worth much more than the useless baggage you are and dumb your ass. what you want is a free nanny who on top of being at your beck and call you can fuck, it's pitiful really.
Ugh that is scary! Either way he was incapacitated and drove. I’d focus on that.
“Brother, I love you and want you to be happy. When you called the other night at 10 not remembering you had called at 8, I got really worried. Our family has a history of neuro issues and I get that sometimes people over do it drinking. Either way, what concerns me most is that you drove while incapacitated. You could have killed yourself or someone else. I’m not passing judgment here, I’m just concerned. Could we make a safety plan together? Like maybe in the future when you know you’re going to be drinking, take an Uber to and from?”
That’s some scary shit.
You deserve a husband that will celebrate mother's day with you. You deserve so much more. Also I don't think he truly believes he shouldn't celebrate you being a mother on mothers day otherwise why would he be getting so defensive and yelling?
You deserve better than him commanding you to help your son at that exact moment, what is he the king? Why does what he want matter more than what you want? And thats not way of asking for you to do something, well he didn't even ask her told you. A please and thank you and an understanding that you also have things going on too you just aren't waiting for when they need you.
And sure your kid should have done something for you but has his father taught him to do that?
Happy Mother’s Day, OP. So sorry you’re married to a selfish bag of shit. I hope he gets nothing but explosive diarrhea and hemorrhoids for his birthday. TO OP’S HUSBAND: SUCK IT LONG AND SUCK IT HOT, FUCKFACE.
Bullshit ! You are his sons mother !! You have him a child now , I do understand that you aren’t his mother , you are a mother and that’s why he should celebrate it !! So next Father’s Day send your dad a happy fathers and tag your husband , then do jack squat for him and see how he likes it !!
Not a single person who has spent money to attend this wedding, want you to go through with it bc of them. Not one of them wants you to endure a toxic, painful relationship on their behave…cancel the wedding and give him a 30 day notice to vacant the property. Record any further abuse, and go to your local magistrate to obtain a protective order.
First two questions are only for your attorney. The kids, well, you don’t really need to be airing out your sexual laundry to them unless they’re actual adults. Don’t alienate them from their father because of a betrayal like that because it doesn’t involve them. I was too involved in my parent’s cheating situation around age 12-14 and it ruined my life for that period of time. Keep them out of it.
I guess I'm hopeful that this is something we can work through. Maybe with therapy as you suggested, and with being more open from now on.
Volunteering for 1 day, what, 6 hours? Is completely useless. You’re not helping anyone. What do you do, hang out with some kids for a few hours? Then you leave and they probably never see you again? So they’re just seeing people come and go from their lives all the time. You’re doing more harm than good.
If your money is joint then you need to take each others wants to spend it serious and should be able to have a adult discussion. Like you need to be able to articulate why you feel you cant afford said thing.
The yelling at you shit is unacceptable and no woman would allow their man to do this to them and you shouldnt either.
Ive been married 18 years and the money provider but she is a sahm and the money is ours not mine. If i buy anything over like 100 bucks i ask her whats she thinks and we discuss it.
I wouldnt use other arguments to lament leverage in new arguments though. I wont cosign you sex comment in a conversation about carpets but i understand the comment roots out of frustration.
Ive read alot of reddit and it sounds like she is the if im not in the mood go jerk off kind of wife. Mix that with the clear lack of human resprect to not yell at you in front of the kids…
My advise stands as delete this post and leave her. Yes it will suck for a few years but then it will get better. Every day is precious. Focus on your kids and a new love life.
Maybe talk to her about it.
Maybe talk to her about it.
Just be prepared that in six months to a year, he will be wanting you back. If you truly do feel better/lighter, start the divorce proceedings poste haste.
You are about to enter the most fun and delicious decade of your life. The fifties are wonderful. There's a woman I follow on TikTok who is in her 50's she owns her own fashion line. She goes from wonderful man to wonderful man, younger, older, whatever she wants. She also travels.
If he, “doesn’t feel anything” during intercourse, that means he either has nerve damage/malfunction, or he jerks off too hard/too much and has caused the damage/malfunction.
'Bro, you're visibly horny on main, keep that on a burner jfc'
They came by took his license plate they prolly didn’t know which houses door to knock on so they called him his ringer wasn’t on then they left…..I could see how it was just a prank but I feel like everybody should know each other before doing stuff like that…..
The house: Talk to a lawyer.
The business: Talk to a lawyer.
The kids: If you choose to tell them the truth, be sure to say it wad a mutual decision for you and your his and to sleep with other people and you understood one of you potentially falling for someone else was a risk. Don't leave the context out because that makes your SBXH look like an AH when you agreed to allow him to sleep with other women. That is always a potential risk of opening relationships. It's common to read about. If you choose not to be truthful, that's fine too, but they'll most likely ask about this new woman if they ever find out their dad is seeing someone so close to separation.
He is projecting insecurities or he is testing you. RUN.
You seem to look down your nose at everything your girlfriend does while aggrandizing everything you do.
You maintain ONE website as your entire job but you clearly think your work is much more important and demanding than someone who is on their feet all day in a high-level establishment.
When you list out the labor you do around the house, you list “folding the blankets on the couch at night” even though that is not actually an independent chore.
You contribute less to household expenses than she does, and yet you see yourself as the more valuable partner financially.
You make a meal of the fact that you stayed up with your girlfriend so she didn't have a seizure as though that completely balances out the fact that you do zilch to maintain the house you online in, feed yourself, or clean your own clothes.
You pretty obviously think of yourself as the superior one in this relationship and are aggrieved that she has dared to ask anything of you when, in your mind, you already provide much more value and worth than she does. I don't know where all this ego came from, but I hope that this comment section has provided some sense of humility. Can you see your girlfriend's perspective now that literally hundreds of people are explaining in detail to you how you are wrong?
Agree with this. I’d want to know from the start of someone is religious because that might be a dealbreaker for me if they expected me to participate. Kind of like kids/no kids.
I think using dating apps makes it easier because you can put all of that on your profile. But even then to be fair, in my experience a lot of men don’t bother to read the profiles and just look at the photos.
It sounds like her friend is the problem here, in addition to the guy that couldn't take “no” for an answer. Why was her friend adding pressure? A free shot is not worth it.
Your girlfriend told you about this before you even got home. She didn't hide it, she didn't hide messages. She was put in a bad situation and her friend didn't back her up. I don't think it's fair to be upset with her.
The phone number change? Ridiculous. You know how much that impacts? I literally would not change my number unless the guy started stalking or something. A simple block is more than enough. She could even reply “Sorry bud, she gave you a fake number.” And the guy would move on.
Your first move to be to shit all over that plan by calling her and telling her what you read and that you are flying out there tonight.
You can’t “work this out”. You need to separate and go into individual therapy. You need to fix your own issues before dragging someone else down with you. Same for him. You both aren’t able to lead a healthy relationship this way.
Screenshot & get a lawyer
Don’t forget to send your phone a copy of their conversations
Sure, if that had been disclosed at the very beginning of the relationship. It wasn’t. So the situation is different. If I were OP it would make me feel very unsafe that my partner didn’t disclose that information.
Idk what advice you're wanting. But playing online games til 1am every night probably doesn't help. Maybe give it a rest and go to bed at a normal time with your wife might help.
Absolutely. You do not owe her anything. Be a good person and let her down gently. Be the bigger person and give her that kindness that, apparently, she did not extend to you. You are older and wiser than she was when she hurt you. You got this.
He raped you, and now despite you repeatedly telling him not to be recorded you during sex and I guarantee you he has deleted none of them.
Make him delete them, watch him do it and clear the cache, then kick him out of your life.
You can’t solve the problem. He has to want to change. Good luck.
As you said you don’t want to be controlling what she can do.
You’ve told her that the original plan made you uncomfortable, so tell again with regards to the new plan.
And then remind her that she is responsible for her actions, and keeping herself safe.
And then when she gets back, and she was drunk and isn’t really responsible for what she did, then you break up, and make sure everyone knows she cheated.
That's really all there is to it. There isn't a blanket answer for this kind of thing, because everyone has different boundaries.
One of my best friends is someone I was in love with some years ago. For some people, the fact that I have that history with him would be a dealbreaker. I find that immensely strange to understand, but that's because those aren't my boundaries. It's all about finding someone whose boundaries align with yours and whom you trust to continue respecting the boundaries of your relationship.
I'd break up. Cult or not, you don't accept his religion and are scared of the rituals, and he's trying to convert you (you say he didn't but he's tried to get you to do the paid classes and the initiation ritual). It's an incompatibility.
Wait, when he goes to the gym, he stays there all day? What is he even doing?
My parents never had a curfew for me. They never asked who I was spending time with, or where I was going, or how long I'd be gone. I could stay out all night and usually get a text from my mom at some point saying, 'everything cool?'. I love my parents. They trusted me implicitly.
OP, he recorded sex tapes with you and fucking raped you. You really need to dump this piece of shit.
People don't wanna talk about how loving someone is literally the bare minimum required for a healthy relationship to exist
Yeah, none of this screams “healthy long term relationship”. Get the fuck out and fast.
Three meals a day is too much of a deal breaker for me. I think you two are a mismatch if you can’t choose the same restaurants.
IDK honestly. I know she’s doing a lot of stuff with latin-language literature currently? It’s a lot of books. She also does some medical studies stuff for her minor.
That is fair. I guess you’re right it’s cringe worthy but Im realizing it’s part of bigger issues I’m having with her. This post is helping me realize seeing this as an isolated incident, I am being nit picky
Autistic people I know have the opposite problem (talking way too much without listening) so maybe it’s not that
Unfortunately you may be right. I just have to bite the bullet and end the relationship for the sake of my mental health at this point
I want to add that I don't care he's texting her l. I have several uncles with baby mothers. The communication is VERY important, but the content is very alarming. I am not snooping, but I really can't help seeing it because their chats are always open. I can see her sending I love you and hearts. I am not sure if this is normal for baby mothers? I guess they have to love each other because they made a child together. See I feel like I am thinking way too much
So ur unhappy without that 1 position?
Best answer right here!
You are correct that I am looking forward to having a long term partner but this situation has never been the crux of break ups.
Thankfully, planned parenthood at the time was still federally funded in Idaho and was able to support me! Since then I’ve really struggled with getting diagnosed with both PMDD and inattentive ADHD, although have been diagnosed and experimenting with treatment options for them for about 2 years. I did also do 10 years of trauma therapy for my CSA history and resulting Complex PTSD. I would definitely keep a pregnancy now at 38 years old, with both significant therapy healing and some medication management strategies. At 20, I would not have even been able to move away from my family of origin and would have exposed a child to my same terror and poor family dynamic.
He's an adult, and it doesn't sound like you're very close, so you don't really have standing to stage an intervention or anything.
However, if he is being loud and disrupting your ability to be comfortable in your own home, you should address that with him.
Yes they do but they don’t usually realize what I’ve read. We’ve talked about this before but I just feel like I stumbled to far back into the conversation and don’t want them to stop talking to their other partner openly about me.
So you did mean what you said to him? Regardless of the reason why? If you did mean what you said you shouldn’t have to worry. From what I gather the ball is in his court and all you can do is wait and see where it goes from here
Haha, he wouldn't want to be friends with you either if you think he needs to keep stuff from his wife. It's so crazy, he has wonderful friendships and is able to talk to me about anything lmao. We both have awesome friend groups and an amazing marriage sooo it's working for us. Again, 17 years strong with friends ranging from childhood friends to friends we met a few months ago. No one has any issues with us lol. We have no mistrust and no control issues because we have open communication…
Where does it stop? With my husband. I'm not sure where you pulled sisters and whoever else from… I have eight sisters. I would never tell them my friends business… I'm not sure why that's difficult for you to understand?
This female friend does not pre-date your relationship and seems not to respect your relationship. Do you know her partner? Why is he ok with the late night texting etc? Maybe you should become facebook friends with him.
Dump him he's a dead weight. He obviously has an enabler who is working against you ,unless he lives in van someone is suppoting a 28 year old man to sit on his ass and game. Even if he got a decent job his lazy ass will probably make a lousy husband or father.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life nagging a guy to do the absolute minimum?
Do you really want to be just his friend? Really?
It sounds as if you have different goals in life and different ideas of how to be happy. The gaming ids made to sound as if there is very little time for you. I think in truth you have outgrown each other and you’ve come to a parting of the ways. You are unhappy and trying to make him fit into a mould that he doesn’t want to fit.
DON’T get married. Do you really want to be reminded every few days that he’d rather be with another woman? Where is your pride? Your self worth? He talks about her a lot . A LOT. If it was you going on about a past lover do you think he’d stay? No. Don’t be the third person in your own damn marriage.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??? This is insane why are you still with him? This is shit you would see in a documentary about Jonestown or something why are you just hanging around doing nothing? Jesus Christ girl… screw your head on straight and run for the hills.
Break up with her. Trust me its not worth it. Don’t torture yourself over her. These so called platonic guy friend end up sleeping with them.
How long did you date before marriage?
Is your best friend more important, or is your wife more important?
You lied to your wife. You did this to yourself, mate. Next time, don't lie to the woman you're supposed to spend your life with.
What my friends did: Her grandfather passed away back in December last year. Everyone in the group expressed their condolences that day in the group chat. There was silence for 2-3 days. But then everyone started talking like normal.
It was my best friend's birthday earlier to her grandpa's demise but since I was out of town for a few days everyone decided to have the party later when I come back. I came back on the day of the death and everyone was silent for the next 2-3 days until My best friend decided to host the party on the 5th day after the death. Everyone thought that it was okay to do it. Yes one person wouldn't be able to attend but everyone else would be there. And since it was me due to whom the party was postponed I thought I should be there too so I went to the party.
This really pissed her off since she realised that these people don't care about her and will forever treat her as an outsider.
Lmao, break up dear. Let him waste his money at strip clubs
No you’re very right. This means a lot for how he’ll act in future terms. I guess I just kept thinking about all the good times, but if we stay together for awhile, scenarios like this will start popping up more
Yeah especially since he pretty much ignored you, that’s a giant red flag babe, idk he sounds like he might have hidden feelings for this roommate
Yes.
Yes, I'm the op
I did actually pay for a consult with a divorce lawyer and go with her. But the lawyer said that our state very much favors 50/50 unless you can prove physical abuse or that he’s harmful to the kids. Since he does most of his drinking after the kids are in bed, or he disappears to go drink at bars when my sister is with the kids and leaves her to put them to bed by herself, the kids don’t witness much. And it’s not like he takes care of them while drunk. And to be honest, my sister is still worried about “breaking up the family.” She’s determined to give her kids this picture perfect childhood. But she is getting closer and closer to it. I think it’s just going to take her a long time to finally get there.
Another porn post
Your questions were: 1. Why does OP still stay with her? –> He does not, you misread the post. 2. Does he need validation? –> Self-explanatory, this sub's entire point is to provide outside perspectives on relationship issues. There ya go, everyone can have fun now
The reason this toes the line is because it doesn’t sound like a choice it sounds more like an ultimatum. Even though it sounds like a proper boundary, what are the alternatives to cycle tracking/withdrawal that would count as a “reliable form of birth control“? Your ultimatum gave the illusion of choice without actually giving a proper choice, there was no room for compromise on it. Your partner chose cycle tracking, would you have been OK with a vasectomy ? Given that you had already one barrier method she could not use another barrier method.
You seem against natural methods of birth control so I’m guessing that your options were your partner either starts taking hormonal birth control or put in a painful IUD or we end this because I want to feel protected? She’s taking on all the harm while you get all the choice. This is a false illusion of choice, She can’t win. And there’s no compromise because you’ve already removed one of the forms of birth control that you can contribute towards which is cycle tracking.
This is a difficult situation because you’re allowed to revoke consent for any given reason. But what you gave her was not a true choice it was an ultimatum. I honestly think this is something you should’ve talked about earlier on but given that it was only five months it’s good that you cut ties as soon as possible to prevent further heart ache.
The more he will drive for Uber you can expect the worse from him …. You can’t stop him because that’s cheating , if he really Care about your marriage he will put boundaries towards that … as a married man here I already put those boundaries when I drove for Uber . Rethink about it because you don’t want to stay in a relationship with someone who betray you .
You can say yeah. But I dont want to and I am an adult.
Thank you ??
You shouldn’t feel bad, grandmas always have entitled opinions, they are hardly ever right. And I’m sure your biodad sees this coming a little bit, he can take this loss and that would show you he has changed, but I wouldn’t not let your stepdad walk you down for any reason, he’s the guy.
The fact that she lied to begin with means she was hiding it. If I was messaging with my ex and my husband asked me about it I would be honest. Personally I am friendly with an ex due to an unusual situation that causes us to be close. My husband knows about this. Whenever my ex and I have meaningful conversations I tell my husband. For instance a few months back I had a conversation where I told him I know we used to have a very toxic relationship but we’ve both grown as people and I’m not the same person I used to be, that I am happy he is happy and am glad we are friendly. I also told him that I want our children to be close and look forward to him having children.
I told my husband about this and he was very understanding, and didn’t question any of it. Because I TOLD him, without him asking, or seeing something suspicious happen. She sounds like she is hiding things. Maybe it is a little cold feet before the wedding, maybe it is more. I don’t know if I would call it cheating, but it is definitely a breach of trust. Only you know if you can get passed that.
If to you it’s worth saving try pausing the wedding for now and try therapy. If you want to cut your loses that is very understandable as well. If unfortunately that something like this would cause the end of the relationship if it truly is platonic. Not blaming you in any way, but have you made her feel like she couldn’t tell you these things by possibly being jealous in the past? Maybe that is why she hid it if you did.
Also address the smoking thing with her, that’s not normal.
Break up with her
It’s only been a month. Dump him.
Trust your gut.
Jeez, don’t be playing games! If you like her txt her. 72 hours? Why? Just why?!
I’m worried if I ask her it’ll put her on the defensive and the situation will lead to the end of the relationship. Any ideas on how to ask this whilst creating a safe space for her to share this?
You’ve made it sounds like you go in outings with your friend at least once a week and it sounds like this museum one was one of the first times your wife found out about it. The lying and omitting is so toxic, regardless of how she reacts to it. Her “strong will” has maybe been moulded over time based on how she feels she needs to set boundaries around your lying or lack of explanation. And then, sadly, it drives you further into your shell. If my partner did this, I’d 100% consider it an emotional affair. 1) you talk more to the friend. 2) you hide or omit several things about the relationship. 3) do you confide in her about issues with your relationship? Because that seals the deal. 4) and this one sucks, but she is the same gender as your wife. I wish it didn’t work that way but it absolutely does
She isn't policing, more judging and giving excellent, irrefutable reasons why I should play something else. Feels bad when I still wanna play the game even without a “good” reason.
Honestly that is policing, even though she's using the “logical argument” approach to try to justify why her opinion is “logical and irrefutably right” and what you want to do “objectively” wrong. She does sound a bit controlling and exhausting tbh
Then prove women like small dicks! Simple
Well, either you go against your parents or your relationship will not survive. Question is how much are you dependent on them. Probably completely, bacause if not you would be out of there already.
Your gf is an alcoholic. Anyone who drinks like that even if they are in college is an alcoholic.
Yeah probably spiraling then
You need to go back to therapy. What you said to her was horrible, you think SHE needs to understand? I think YOU need to understand that just because she is not grieving exactly as you do doesn't mean her pain isn't just as deep. This judgement of her will end your relationship, I hope that you will go back to therapy and get the help you need.
You need to let your step dad do it! It's your wedding! My bio dad was POS and never there for me. He came into my life again as an adult and tried emotional blackmailing and all sorts of stuff. He ended up betraying me big time and I wish I just kept him at a distance. My step dad had passed since but if I had a wedding I'd definitely want my step dad there and not my bio dad.
I genuinely struggle to understand how you let it get this far without an explanation. Don't let him “not really answer you.” Sit him down and tell him that he needs to explain why he doesn't use your name and don't let the conversation end until he tells you. Stop answering to anything other than your name. I am going to assume this is fake but if it isn't, stop entertaining this nonsense.
Ladies………we have to stop marrying and dating men like this
This. OP seems to think that just because his girlfriend doesn't have outbursts of grief and doesn't constantly mourn her husband to him, she's not still grieving as much as he is. Everyone has a different coping mechanism, and I promise she'll always grieve just as he will, and it doesn't necessarily mean she's stronger. OP's assessment of her grief is incredibly unfair.
That doesn't mean anything. There is an emotional element there that is troubling. He is listening to her and not you. He should have your back, not hers.
Your mom was impregnated by a 13 year old when she was 30?
I think your therapist is not really correct, but not necessarily in the way that you would assume.
I think there should be a middle ground, rather than just insisting your partner change their habits and you don't need to change at all, when clearly you have strong issues about his that need work on, but your BF can meet you in the middle, it doesn't have to be 100% of the effort only on one side of the relationship.
I question your therapist's judgement if they think you don't need to work on this issue any further, it is clearly strongly affecting you to an unreasonable degree imo, to the point where you are triggered by just seeing posts of attractive women, does your therapist know this?
In my opinion as some random redditor (grain of salt!) I think you should have a talk with your bf about this and make it clear to him that certain things are making you uncomfortable, like maybe you guys shouldn't be so open about porn topics if it bothers you, for instance. Maybe you could ask him to not view it unless he is in a 100% private environment (ie. not in the same room as you while you are asleep, lol). In order for you to limit your exposure to his habits.
I'm assuming that his habits are not hindering his performance in the bedroom, because I don't recall seeing you mention this aspect, which is a common issue of contention when talking about people who are chronic porn users.
OP you should be real with yourself, are you ok with dating somebody who watches porn? If not, you should face facts, this might not be a compatible relationship for either of you.
What was the circumstances where he could not support you? Can you give a cursory description? I assume he had a very traumatic loss of a pet in his past, and if he was a bit drunk, took it hot. I don’t think a kiss on the forehead is a big deal, or a pat on the leg, but you saw it, not me…so it may have been more inappropriate in reality than my interpretation. Keep your eyes open and watch his behavior.
As I said, this was just a one-time slip-up that I hope will never happen again.
He hopes, but cannot say with conviction that it will not happen again. . .
He is the one trying to cross your boundaries. Policing who you see and what you choose to consume. I would sit him down and explain that you are the only person who gets to decide if or when you drink/ not drink. Tell him that if he cannot handle being in a relationship with someone who occasionally consumes alcohol that you need to go your separate ways.
It’s abusive because it was not discussed ahead of time. This is NOT a mistake, don’t dismiss it as “oh his only mistake was to not ask.” NO, his character is that he does not respect boundaries deliberately…in other words he is a coercive and abusive in nature. He brought on your plate by surprise because he likely thought you weren’t open to it and honestly didn’t care if you were open to it—-he was going to MAKE you open to it. Understand? Girl run, this is an abusive person that does not respect boundaries.
She's probably panicked because this is a very new relationship and you've taken a lot of time to yourself in the course of the relationship. She doesn't know what the personal problem is and has probably gone through every scenario. Cheating is the easiest explanation and she made something up hoping to catch you in a lie.
I think what you've done is enough. She can figure it out and move on. She gambled on a lie and lost.
Do you mean hyphenate your names?
You should post this on r/legaladvice. I would ? talk to a lawyer before you make any changes to the deed. There are other options besides adding her as a co-owner of the house (which is what adding her to the deed would do).
If she’s worried about being kicked out of you break up, then you should have a lease in place where she is your tenant and protected by the same tenants’ rights she’d be entitled to in any other rental property. Your nightmare would be breaking up, she’s on the deed, and now you’re in court over who owns the property and in what proportion.
What you described is gaslighting and controlling. Those two things dont require someone to be an “evil mastermind”.
Run away
OK, but you do realize that you ignoring your ex’s lack of consent is just as bad as this guy thinking it’s OK to slap you across the face? Like just because you did, it doesn’t make the behavior OK. You were wrong then, but his guy is pulling your hair and smacking you across the face. Girl why are you clinging so hot to this man? You just started dating him. Two months of dating doesn’t mean you have to put up with a lifetime of your boundaries getting crossed and probably something worse than a slap against your will.
Saying something like that is not normal. You don't do that. You are not a part of his personality. We simply adapt to people.
He may really need professional help.
I'm sorry you are going through this…
He breaks up with you every few weeks…sounds like a rock solid relationship…Perhaps, and this might be crazy talk but perhaps if it didn't work out the 50th time it isn't going to work out the 51st? Probably some maturing needs to happen (likely with both of you) and it should probably happen separately..then again the saying “75th time is the charm” is there for a reason.
as I said in the post, it doesn't bother me at all.
Sweetie he’s gaslighting you.
I don’t understand why this is downvoted? It’s questions she needs to ask herself to understand how to move forward. I don’t read any judgement.
I hope OP responds.
He’s shaking them outta his ass as he dances his red flags around. Okay, let’s break this down: he’s making you “choose” between himself and your family — you didn’t outline any reasons in your post. I am going to assume it was something minor or something he didn’t like. He’s not okay with you going to the gym/he does not trust the guys out there. He doesn’t view you as a partner; his views are centred on wanting to control you and own you. Sending cutesy snaps is not a problem, but demanding them around the clock to confirm your location? He never communicates with you healthily? He was never interested in building a future with you and he was more interested in building a future with himself.
You can loose 160 pounds of dead weight easy by breaking up with him
Thank you for the advice ??
Dump her, find out if this dude has a wife, he probably does at his age, find her message her and dump gf
He is telling you exactly what you can expect from him. You should listen.
Uh…
No.
An addiction would be doing it at inappropriate times/places. Compulsive behavior is just that. Working out every day is fine. Fixating on burning every calorie you consume, to the detriment of your physical and mental health, is not. Same idea.
Just tell her the juice is worth the squeeze.
Get DNA tests and an STD test as soon as you can. She most likely wanted a job once she started cheating in case she got caught. If you are not married and her name is not on the lease I would kick her out. Do not contact the other man ever and do not believe anything she says. Even if she didn’t cheat, I would end things from the messages you found but that’s just me
This guy is obviously some crazy Christian asshole
Let her go. She deserves better than a creep that can't even take care of his own household.
I really hope she wears up and leaves you for good. When she died, go to therapy and stop dragging down successful women
True, but man do hate awkward moments
I dream of the confidence that makes men like this think they’re the sex god of a young girl’s dreams.
Hell no. You have that mortgage and have only been dating for barely two years. If she wants to be on the deed she can wait until you both relocate and she agrees to pay for half a mortgage.
Do not move a hoarder into your home. Ever.
Divorces do not come out of the blue. Either you are completely oblivious and a bad partner, there is someone else, or she is having a mental health crisis. Either way, it really sounds like you are not communicating.
OK… I just have to say this… He's fingering you in your sleep but the problem you have is what he's watching while he does it?????
Wtf???
I want you to read that sentence out loud and really rethink what you are upset about.
There is nothing short that sentence that's good. Why is he doing it while you can't give consent??? You know, why you are sleeping??? Why aren't you awake?
Why are you ONLY upset about the porn he is watching?????
There are so many things wrong with this post.
I hope you realize that.
If it were me????? If be upset about EVERYTHING! Seriously.
Living common law is equivalent to marriage in a lot of places. You might want to check what the laws are there before you move in together.
There aren't any states in New Zealand though…
Yep, I am still having trouble understanding why Jane had decided on online international dating at such a young age.
I never understood why people need to share literally everything, when they can just contribute to a pool for family expenses
You mean she is bullying you to spend it on her
29 and still drinking until she's shitfaced and puking? That's wild. I'm 27 now and I can't imagine drinking like I did in college. I just don't have the tolerance or stamina anymore, next morning feels bloody awful if I try. Not to say I don't like getting shitfaced once in a while. It's fun with my homies. But I couldn't do that every weekend.
I think your girlfriend needs to chill, man. It's okay to enjoy getting shitfaced, but what you're describing is borderline addiction.
Of course he did. We like looking at hot girls. We really like looking and girls we know nude. You telling him not to was the icing on the cake. That made it taboo, no man can withstand that. We might not tell you we looked, but we’re gonna look.
And this is her art. She put it out there to be appreciated.
Your cousin got an OF?
Bro you’ve been with her for 8months. Obviously you’re good at investing don’t yolo on this one she’s shown her true colors. She randomly wants to get married. Next thing you know you guys get married and you get hurt in an unfortunate accident.
He is a friend. Let him know that you value him as a friend but not as a romantic partner. Period.
She’s got dollar signs kerchinging in her eyes and now she’s mapping out your future for you. And you don’t need to figure out what to with your money, she’ll take care of that pesky little issue.
You’re a lottery win to her now.
“Hey babe, I wanna spice things up. Let’s watch a flick of my favorite pornstar…… That’s right, it’s been you all along. I knew you were the one for me.”
The derogative way you talk about him like its just a dick with legs its just gross. Buy a sex toy,in the same tone you complain he wont get the surgery.
I understand working if it was 2 million or 4 million.
24 million there’s absolutely no reason to work. There’s absolutely no way to hide 24 m from your gf for 8 months lol.
Do they not go out to dinner? What is he wearing? I need answers!!
should i tell her if she wanna hang you for a coffee pointing out it’s for friendship or should i just sale her to go for a coffee?
She is literally high every second of every day. There is very rarely a minute where she’s “conscience” where I don’t here the click of a lighter.
Exactly. I would never put my brothers feelings over my partners. Especially considering the circumstances. Thanks for the advise on just paraphrasing it down. I hadn’t really thought about that since we do share so much with one another
“Other people want. Just to let you know.”
For WHAT purpose?
OP needs better friends jesus who would get mad at a friend for actually standing up for themselves unless they are toxic AHs themselves ?
This post is giving me the icks.
He’s literally twice your age and would not be a good person if he got into a relationship with someone who’s so young and going through all kinds of personal challenges. He should know better than to “guide you” to his bed (gross). I don’t even know why he let you move in.
Okay, I'm sorry, but if that happened to my Wang every time I had sex, I'd get the damn surgery. That's got to be awful. I feel so bad for him.
But, it's his willy. Just as he can't force any issues with your body, you can't do much about his. Maybe get him a consult with a urologist so he can hear the full story and get an unbiased view on how the surgery works?
I more meant that there are things that females prefer to only discuss with their female friends and things that I personally wouldn’t share with male friends. I know I overthink a lot of things and I’m not going to deny that. I have no issue with men and women being friends. I have platonic male friends also, and I should have added that he does have a few female friends that I have no qualms about, their conversations are casual and they catch each other up with their lives here and there. But there are several girls that have been romantically involved with him in the past, that will message him almost daily, complaining about their relationships or lack of, bringing up old memories, sharing information that’s very personal and private. He has said that he thinks he is the only friend that these several girls have (suggesting that none of them have close female friends) and that’s why they tell him these things and I feel that in itself it’s kind of alarming ..
Time to bounce, a mature woman knows not to be the first to mention size, just like a mature guy knows not to be the first to mention her size. Even if she never spoke of it again the dread won't go away. It seems like she wants a break up so give her what she wants.
Who the hell would give 11k to someone they've been online dating for a month?
I doubt it means anything apart from some nice memories. She could just like the way she looks in them and wants to keep the memories. She might just have put them in that folder so when she is actually going through her photos they aren't just there! Talk to her if it's bothering you too much but if all the rest are gone I doubt it's because she misses him.
Why couldnt you kick her out? Is there some reason you wouldn't get the kids?
This made me wince
Good for you!
This guy sounds like a major asshole. Cut him loose. He is dead weight.
LOL she’s Jenny and you’re Forrest, except the kid isn’t yours
Do you vibe with them? Then that's all that really matters. Nothing wrong with being the elder of the group. I'm currently the one in mine, and my former mother-in-law was the one in hers.
“As someone who comes from a single parent household”.
I understand what you’re thinking here, but you don’t have children. So if you and your husband divorce, you will not be a single parent. You will just be a person who is free to start a new relationship with someone who actually loves you and respects your marriage.
That person is not your current husband. He is just an insecure person with a bad case of “I only want what I can’t have, and then when I get it, I don’t want it anymore, until it goes away again.” You deserve better.
Just curious, why did you decide to tell him they're implants? How long were you together?
She lied about her age. OP, this shows she is too immature. You will see this as you go along in your relationship with her.
I would say to stay just friends or stop seeing her.
If you're really paying for groceries and cleaning supplies, I see no reason why you should pay full half rent…in effect you are anyway (maybe more)
I would only agree to pay full half if you no longer pay for all groceries and cleaning stuff and you no longer do all cooking.
If you know your friends probably do to
Sounds like she matured to the point where she realized getting married so young would be foolish.
I'm sorry OP but after seeing your link, it looks like softcore porn to me. I understand you aren't actually kissing or doing anything explicitly sexual but the video absolutely is suggestive of that.
This is a significant step beyond you posing hot, this is you interacting nude with another man who is also in a state of undress in a manner that implies sexual intimacy. If he didn't know this was going to be happening, that suggests you two didn't discuss your boundaries surrounding this kind of thing and that was a mistake. I act professionally and if I were to do a nude scene I would very clearly warn my partner because I don't want any nasty surprises on either end about what I'm doing at work.
Okay, I see. She wants to have gentle sex with you, despite she wanted it rough with previous guy(s) and that hurts you. Two different explanations are possible and one of them would mean you have a troubled relationship.
Just my opinion, I don't speak for everyone, but I find them very off-putting. You do you, you don't need anyone's approval, but I wouldn't date someone who would get surgery just for something cosmetic. Some girls don't like beards, some people don't like tattoos or piercings etc. Some men don't like the idea of fake boobs. I think you happen to be dating one of those guys
Threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves is manipulative and abusive.
Considering there is no reconciling the marriage because she refuses to work on herself, I would give her a timeline of me moving out and she can do what she needs to do.
When I left my ex when we were living in an apartment, I asked my dad if he would consider getting my sister and I a place together because I needed to move. I took my things and said adios. I did not worry about him because he is a grown ass man that could figure a way to keep the apt or move. He ended up finding someone that needed a roommate and they lived together for a while.
She's not your responsibility.
Im getting the sense she will break up with me soon.
Yes, she probably will.
If you are unsure what you want to do, you could hire a career counselor. Just make sure that you hire someone reputable. Not someone who is just a conduit for an MLM or some cult.
Probably more likely to be his snot monster kids that brought it back from nursery or school.
I would send screenshots of your doctors notes with no other wording or explanations then ignore him until he grows some common sense and contacts you to apologise.
If he’s still not apologised by the time of the wedding tell him they are all welcome but only if they want to celebrate with you and if they don’t want to celebrate due to accusations they are not welcome.
Leave him. He'll have to grow up or pay a maid. But other than that, you can't “make him” do anything.
He has no respect for your boundaries and feels that you belong to him. Husbands don't get to decide what limitations their wives have. Him grabbing you that way is disgusting and a way to control you. A natural partner wants you to be happy and would NEVER hurt your partner. I would look into your finances and make sure that if you ever decide to leave, you would be able to support yourself. You need someone to take care of you and it's not your job to teach a man what respect is. Please take care of yourself ❤️
No, there's no such thing as “marriage feelings.” You've been with him for over two years. Unless he's give you reason to believe he's not over her, this isn't a reason to second guess yourself. He has a past. He loved her at one point, but they didn't work out. It doesn't mean his love for you has less meaning.
If you want to ask him why he still has them, that's fine. If he provides a questionable answer, then certainly take a step back and think about things. You'll have to see. As for how to approach it? Just be honest. That's been the foundation of your relationship thus far, so why should this be any different? Good luck.
Honestly, my only recommendation for him would be to keep an eye out in case any of the younger women start developing feelings. It's no guarantee, but some of them may crave the stability OP may seem to offer and mistake this, along with feelings of friendship, for love. Keeping an eye out can help him nip it in the bud early, to avoid the friend group getting a bit messy.
I mean she didn’t really cheat on you it’s your call if you have feelings for her or not
Who’s name is on the tenancy agreement? Decide who is staying in your current place and who is moving out. Give her notice (4-6 weeks) to find somewhere else to online if she is leaving. Start looking for somewhere else to live if she refuses to leave. Let your landlord know you are leaving and she is staying so that the tenancy agreement is then in her name and any subsequent debt she racks up is then on her.
You need to be blunt and honest, when you have the “let’s break up” conversation DO NOT fall for or allow manipulation from her. “I’m going to off myself” is a manipulative tactic to get you to stay. You are her meal ticket, you are her golden goose, without you she has to get off her lazy bum and get a job, support herself, of course she’s going to say anything to prevent that.
It is much different. Not all scars are obvious because the placement and type of incision varies, but once you see them, it's clear what they are from.
A black widow spider has a distinctive red hourglass shape on the underside of its abdomen. If it's on the ground, this distinctive mark isn't at all obvious, but the mark is still a clear indication of the species. Being able to see something easily isn't the same as the thing being a distinctive characteristic.
You’re 26. It’s time to grow up. She isn’t wrong.
Doesn't have to be separate households. He should get custody given he does most of the earning. Her living situation is her business.
She lacking empathy and getting very self involved. Maybe take a step back and see if she keeps making it about her. Keep your boundaries but realize if she’s unwilling to respect them then you must take action
Smdh honestly dude your fiancé deserves better than you. Wake the fuck up. What you condone you support, and Bob condones everything Sarah does by refusing to stand up for what’s right. And if you don’t remove both of them from the wedding AND your life, you’ll be condoning it too
Not gonna lie, she’s right. At 21 I was living at home still but I knew what things costs. I had my own car insurance and car, did my own laundry, cooked my own food most of the time, paid my own phone bill, etc. I got married a year later. My husband had to learn quick but he was fully into that and wanted to. Your family might be loving and supportive and that’s great but they aren’t really doing you a service here by doing everything for you. Do you have a good paying job or you just think that because you don’t have bills except your car? She is absolutely right too about you living on your own before you two online together. She probably wants to make sure you can take care of yourself first so she doesn’t become your mom. There is nothing wrong with living at home at your age, shit is expensive, but you also need to grow up too. Start paying for yourself.
It didn’t disappear on its own, let alone right after you found out it existed.
what about bob
You won’t answer that question. Why does the fiancé like Bob, who also parties and has kids, but not Sarah?
The only person that thinks that is no makeup is a fucking idiot. Is that who you hang out around?
Get out bro
This is where you leave. I would tell any woman whose partner spit in them to leave without looking back. You should do the same. Never allow anyone to treat you so terribly.
Sex IS important in a relationship.
Let this one go. She is not right for you.
I misinterpreted.
Wow. That’s actually a good approach. Lots of women are accustomed to being called names and cursed if we turn someone down. Now, if she is actually interested, she already knows you’re not a jerk. Win-win!
Yeah so there's also other means of emergency contraception and resources for finding out what options exist in the event that she is pregnant and like, compassion but ok.
I would have an ex-girlfriend and do what I wanted without their nasty commentary. Why are you in this relationship? I think being single would be preferrable. How do these people add joy and meaning to your life?
Sadly, I can't tell you how he'll perceive you. There's a lot more variety in how people remember their exes than how likely people are to keep a relationship working when there's been infidelity.
And are any of these “dating gurus” in happy, fulfilling, respectful relationships? Or are they just bouncing from hookup to hookup?
I adore my partner. I'd fall on a sword for her. But I'd be gone so fast I'd leave a vacuum in my wake if she spit in my face
Just communicate it. “I’m personally not used to this behavior and it would just take me time to get used to it. Please respect my initial discomfort” because obviously not everyone is ok with that. He should understand that that is not best friend normal interaction.
I understand having that kind of relationship. Roommate is a grown woman and they are best friends so if she feels uncomfortable, she would communicate it. Just because you personally don’t like it doesn’t mean others think the same.
Sex is important. But if you're using it in an argument like “you need to put out because it's important and I have needs” I don't blame her. You didn't give much context though.
The pain is actually a thing. It's not unbearable, or even bad enough to complain about. More like a heavy pressure feeling in the testicles, like they're in an uncomfortable position and it goes away pretty quickly once arousal fades.
bro chill that’s not even the point i was making lmao
Dump this lazy ass asap else he will drain your finances.
Thank you
After having done the roomate thing with a couple, if you are paying 50/50 they DO NOT get two votes in a conflict! Seriously, it gets really old knowing you are paying for half of everything, but NEVER getting a say in things like the temperature of the thermostat, where furniture should go, or what intenet/game services can be used in the main area.
OP, where is the update? I hope you got to the bottom of this issue.
If you aren't strong enough to handle a rejection, you shouldn't be dating. This sort of thing happens. If it makes you unable to function day to day, seek therapy.
Listen, I'm the first person to come here and say that opposite sex platonic friendships can absolutely work, including with exes. But like anything else, context matters.
Unfortunately, you logically know in context that your partner is completely full of shit. Every time she responds, it's a new lie.
You should care that she's speaking to her ex. Why? Because they're not friends. He asked her to fuck weeks back but she's talked to him as recently as today. Even if she actually responded to him with a rejection (she didn't), why would she continue to talk to him given his complete disrespect of her and her relationship? Why would she disrespect you by continuing to talk to something trying to hook up with her?
Is this the first questionable thing in four years you've dealt with?
Why does it matter why he opened the door for her and for no one else? The fact of the matter is that he did.
He’s comfortable with her and able to open up to her in ways he is not comfortable with you and not able to open up with you. After a year. That’s all you need to know about your connection, and him putting up barriers to connecting with you.
What happens when there’s another issue, he’s gonna open up to his ex about it and not you?
Good that he’s working on his issue now, but he’s not ready to be a partner to you or anyone else other than his ex, and you should leave for your own sake.
Omg you need to have left him right after. Disgusting human he is.
“Your dick is too small for a big ass.”
“Your jealous because you have small boobies.”
“Eat my ass.”
“Y’a mama.”
“It feels good.”
“She’s perfect.”
“She’s for me, not you.”
“FAT BOOTY FOR THE WINNNNNNN.”
Yes.
Have you guys taken the dog for professional training? Seen a dog behaviorist?
Have you guys taken the dog for professional training? Seen a dog behaviorist?
Have you guys taken the dog for professional training? Seen a dog behaviorist?
Sounds like time to drive for divorce then
This is the new incident that happened. She messaged saying this last night.
Personally I prefer a potted plant or succulents to flowers.
Ask him: Is he okay with you also flirting with other guys? In front of him too? Does that make him feel comfortable?
Or course he shouldn’t flirt because of you. It’s the whole point of a monogamous relationship? He would also sleep with other girls if he wasn’t with you. What does that prove?
Yep, these people are looking over common sense, just because she said she was assaulted, not saying she was not assaulted, but still no one calls exes for talks.
We can’t give advice if you’re going to be vague about what happened.
can i ask specifically what you mean by “conveyed the intent of romantic involvement”?
it’s likely she’s decided she doesn’t want to be romantically involved anymore, but is avoiding it instead of telling you outright.
How long ago was this look? Maybe she didn't mean to give it. She may have no idea what you're talking about with that.
Or, she purposely gave you a disgusted look and therefore doesn't wanna talk to you.
Why can't you talk to her on Insta about it? Why it gotta be a date that she doesn't want?
He’s moving into her mothers house with her. I shouldve been more specific but they had offered me to come with them when they move to another state
You don't deserve him. I would never leave my partner if I loved them. The only reason I would leave is abuse or something terrible like that. If they were a good person and we loved eachother or even started falling out of love or loosing attraction then we should both work on the relationship.
If you leave him make sure to tell him it's because he's too good for you and he deserves a partner who would love him no matter what.
Is she a tenant? Is her name on the lease? Maybe you should talk to the landlord and get yourself off the lease and you leave instead. There are solutions. Maybe you’re hoping she’ll change her mind but man, you deserve so much more.
Do it, you are a beautiful woman and have (imho) perfect breasts.
My wife never had big breasts, and I love them to bits even after they fed my two kids. It's the person attached that's the most important. He is a superficial asshole who sees you as an object.
Girl…I have been in four major relationships in my life. Three of those men cheated on me, one was verbally and emotionally abusive, and the other was emotionally and financially abusive.
And even the worst of those men wouldn't have done to me what your boyfriend did.
You know this is over. Continue to stand up for yourself and leave him.
Yeet him into the sun honey!!! Alcohol is truth serum. He showed you who he really is, and his friends showed you who they really are——all awful, immature people who don’t respect you. You were SMART to leave the way you did. You have self-respect. Don’t take that idiot back into your life.
Babe (cause you really look like a complete babe), please dump him, he is shallow and immature. Also, your boobs look amazing! They come in all shapes and sizes and imma tell you, I used to have small boobs which I was sometimes insecure about but overall liked. Now I'm pregnant and have very big boobs, which I also feel insecure about but you know, they are great too. Soon imma have saggy boobs, and you know what? They're gonna be great too! Boobs are ever changing and should always be embraced. Love your tiddies, and feel happy for your back which is being spared a lot of weight!
You're doing well considering all this.
They want you to consider family when you are considering your family. I'm sure it's naked, even harder for the husband to know he's never welcome (I was on that situation, even until now with my wife's family).
It'll be a really big relief to have your spouse to have your back, throughout the years. Someday they'll hopefully understand how wrong they are.
Sigh.
Ultimatums like this are bombs to a relationship.
If I had a dollar for every time someone on here dropped the “U-bomb” in their relationship and then sat there wondering why it blew up in their face, I'd be a wealthier man.
I just have some questions, most of which are all for you to consider, not for us.
Why is all the pressure on him?
Have you actually asked your partner why the goal posts keep moving, or why he seems hesitant, or have you just continually applied pressure to him to do what you could easily do yourself?
What concerns or hurdles does he have that are holding him back?
Is this the only conflict you've ever had in your relationship? (If so, that's not actually a good sign, it's a sign you're both taking an avoidant attachment style, and this is generally not healthy)
If not, did you take this same kind of pushy approach in other conflicts?
Why is marriage so important to you in the first place?
Not gonna lie, this post makes you come across as pretty shallow and spoiled. You're willing to put your entire relationship on the line for what, a piece of paper and a shiny ring?
OP, take a look at the rest of the world. The most gorgeous people get cheated in. The kindest people get cheated on. The smartest people get cheated on. Right now you’re probably making yourself the issue because of the current events but it’s not you. (I mean it could be, I don’t know you, but my point is, you’re not the one having an inappropriate relationship with a coworker). Your girlfriend isn’t respecting you by agreeing to go on a cruise, much less being okay with someone saying those things to her.
Yeah, that's it.
The sex was forceful. It was rough and I couldn’t find the words to tell him to stop and I ran to the bathroom and cried afterwards. We’ve talked about what happened that night. He felt really guilty and in the end it was me comforting and reassuring him which sucked.
He forced you into rough sex after you were sexually assaulted, then made it all about HIM afterwards? What a horrible, horrible thing to do to a partner.
I don’t think I’ll ever find someone like him again.
Listen to me. Listen to me carefully: your boyfriend is not a catch.
He is not a good boyfriend. A good boyfriend would never force their partner into a situation like this, and, if this really was just an unfortunate accident, a good boyfriend would do everything in his power to make amends and ensure your mental safety, NOT act like he is the victim who needs comforting.
I'm sorry, but this relationship is as good as dead. He retraumatised you after an already horribly traumatic incident and then made it all about him. You are clearly no longer sttracted to him and no longer invested in this relationship. You are only eighteen, you have your whole life ahead of you. Yes, you can quite easily find a better boyfriend. Like I said, yours is no catch.
Yeah get out now before it's too late.
I'm glad to see this comment here. Everyone saying there's nothing wrong with preferences as if “black” and “asian” are monolithic features? The concept of race is so nuanced, how does that even work? Does Rashida Jones make the cut? Cambodian and Japanese women just all fall under the same umbrella? Makes no sense to me.
You’re dating someone 3 years out of high school while you’re almost 30… she’s too immature
There is a saying.
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it is worth every penny.
So maybe think of it not so much as a horrible cost to be spent, but rather as an investment in the future happiness for you and your daughter. That surely is worth the effort and the money.
well she should do penance then
I had a friend like this – she put all the responsibility on keeping her safe on the rest of us. In the end we couldn't help her. If she's not going to take any responsibility for herself and her own safety then why should you? Walk away and leave her to the drama that she so desperately craves or she'll drag you down with her.
In this case it is all that matters. Men think they can leave 100% of the heavy lifting to women and then come in and reap 50% of the benefits.
She never told him she kept the babies. When a man doesn't know he has kids, he can't be faulted for not being there. You seem to not be able to understand this.
Nope. This is why so many of us are realizing that men are a waste of time and resources.
I'm sorry you, and other women, think so lowly of men. This line of thinking that is out for everyone to see on social media has shown me a new side of women I didn't know existed when I was younger. It's sad to see.
She doesn’t need him and you are the one reacting emotionally about that. I see it as cold and logical. Does anyone need that guy? Nope. Ok move on. He can go gestate and raise his own kids.
It's not about OP. It's about the kids. That's where your emotions are taking over. You can't even think about the kids. You're only focusing on the woman here. It's a shame as I've read some other comments and so many people don't seem to care what's best for the kids. They're focusing on OP only. If OP doesn't let him see his kids, I hope she explains it was her choice when the kids eventually ask why they don't have their dad in their lives. Although, I'd bet she'll somehow blame the guy even though he wants to be involved with the kids. It unfortunately happens far too often where the woman blocks the man from being with his kids.
I honestly feel sorry for you. You must have known some crappy men to have this low of a view of a man you don't even know. We're hearing one side of the story where OP hid the fact she kept the kids even though the man thought she would abort. And you're automatically assuming the man didn't want to see his kids. SMH. It's a shame that so many women think this way. I can't imagine the men in my life having to go through this.
Would you be on the woman's side if this was happening to your brother, cousin, uncle, nephew, son, etc? Would you be telling those men in your life they don't deserve to see their children?
ima respond to this post, rather than to go back to the first post.
honestly, i was thinking of being the one to force the issue but that would make the situation worse in the eyes of her family. this would sound ALOT better coming from her than me. would i be there to support her? definetly. but the point of the matter is that She delays this convo in fear of a bad reaction.
as brought up in the post the one thing i am advocating FOR the family with is that the longer she waits to bring this up, the worst of a reaction it would be from them cause at that point you are telling them on the spot that they are missing the money rather than giving a “warning” so they can get ready.
as for the bad guy comment, wouldnt she be the badguy regardless? the point ive made in private to her is that the family had to know this day had to come at some point.
I think it can be both things – terrible/petty and completely understandable.
Ex needs to give up parental rights first. Doesn’t look like she’s interested in that
Dump her. She already said she doesn't feel the same so why are you wasting your time?
Girl, run. This man is only going to get worse because no explanation will ever be good enough for him.
He wasn't willing to wait for you though. He slept with at least one other person. Think about all the women he didn't impregnate that you don't know about.
Absolutely not under any circumstances would I do this, it’s a terrible idea.
This would creep me out, too. It sounds really needy, insecure, and jealous.
Treat them like family because they are.
While true, picking out a couple cute pictures and posting them for her, and then logging off again isn't extended use.
He already comments on her pictures, so the risk exposure is already there. This won't make it much worse.
Yeah I read that part. I genuinely and earnestly think it’s great that you realize what you did wrong, and are working towards becoming better.
I could be wrong, but it sounds like you may be struggling with some self-loathing issues? In your post you posed the question of how a person could possibly keep returning to someone who abused them, and it’s pretty clear that you have identified yourself as one of those abusive people.
The solution isn’t to wallow in what you’ve done wrong in the past. You are taking the steps to be better, and you can do it! You aren’t a villain, you just made some bad decisions. The way to rectify those decisions is by serving those you hurt. Apologize to this guy, and mean it. Ask him what you can do to make it right, and if he asks for space, give it to him. Don’t expect him to forgive you. All you can do is sit with your lesson, minimize damage, make an attempt to fix things, and move on.
But why would you not just give her advice on how to change her bf into an entirely different human man??
Surely there’s a recipe for a magic potion or a demon who accepts soul sacrifices for wishes you can point her to.
Kissing you on the cheek and talking to other guys sounds like she’s pretty clear she’s not interested in dating you romantically. I would disengage as much as possible.
I understand what you're saying, but it's not just about the kisses on the cheek. She actually invited me to sleep over and cuddle, which made me catch feelings again. That's why I'm feeling confused and don't know what to do. Do you have any advice on how to proceed? I just feel like im caught in the rain, feeling so damn fucking confused because I cant understand what she actually wants
You stop taking lessons from this creep and send the messages to his wife
How are you not convinced at this point
I’m sorry this happened to you. She cheated even if they didn’t have sex. No girl in a relationship should be dancing close and “getting handsy”, inviting guys back to her place and inviting guys to sleep in her bed. She showed you she has terrible judgement and that won’t change over time, thank her for showing you who she is and move on.
I don’t think she will. Tbh, I don’t even think she actually can even if she wanted to
You sound meek and a little spineless. That's probably why she thought she could get away with it.
“Why are you going to the gym at 6am, to see your boyfriend?”
“Who goes to the gym after 7pm unless they're cheating”
This really says it all, doesn't it?
He's insecure, and intimidated by the changes you've made.
He's not being an asshole “for no reason”. He's being an asshole because he's afraid that you're gonna meet someone wealthier and healthier than him, and he's trying to bring you down so that you'll quit. He wants you to be the fat, socially-isolated girl so he doesn't have to do any work on himself to impress you.
Thank u for this I needed it ❤️
Your date was right to trust herself and leave the situation. It has nothing to do with insecurity, just the fact that her exclusive boyfriend let another girl sleep in his house and was clearly into him
Apparently she blocked him on everything before the sleeping in his house (assuming that's what actually happened). Good for her.
I think you need to set boundaries. First off, you shouldn't have agreed to a date after not having sleep for 24 hours. Secondly, definitely not agreed to DRIVE. that is as dangerous as drunk driving.
You don’t need to apologise for anything. These days my response to the “but you invaded my privacy” refrain would be, “Yep. I did. Tough shit!”
And incidentally, you don’t need to tell him how you know he’s a lying, cheating, sack of shit. You just need to tell him that you know and you’re leaving. Heck, you don’t even have to do that. Ghost him if that’s what you want to do.
But the fear of loneliness is something you can stave off in a few ways: 1) cultivate connections with friends and family, 2) discover engaging and fulfilling hobbies and pastimes you can do with yourself or with friends, and 3) learn to love your own company. Staying in an unhealthy relationship will ultimately feel more lonely than being single.
Advice is couple therapy.
Frankly, if someone wanted to point out to me every dish I didn't wash good enough, it would make me annoyed and question their intentions. You can just wash it again, or buy a better dish detergent, or have just one talk about it.
The same with disk golf, I would be confused if I were him. Why do you set up disk golf as an activity for both of you, when you are obviously not enjoying it together? He wants to play – let him play without you. You want to read in nature – go read without him. You don't have to spend all your free time together.
And about “everything he knows is because someone else told him so”. It is the for everyone. Everything you know is because someone else told you so. Either parents, teachers, books, news, college, even body language, sex and conflicts with others.. Right? You can filter this information: what is a real knowledge and what is a BS. You can make your own assumptions based on it. But you didn't invent it (unless you have a patent), you were given the access to this knowledge.
I thought this too but then I never see him actually doing anything suspicious! He doesn’t go out and drink or party! Only thing he does is go to work grocery shop and gas station that’s it ?
Wish you’d known this before marrying him
And now you're bordering on “is she willing to cheat on me”. Don't go down that path, that's not a good path.
I was just like ?
I wonder what other little secrets hubby has tucked away for OP? What else could there be?
All this seems very American Psycho. OP should run far and fast and she should tell hubby's mother. The news will spread organically from there. This is one time when there needs to be blaming, shaming and some consequences.
As a female doctor, it is difficult to find men to date who don’t resent how successful you are. And often these men will lash out about about tiny little things like this, but it is usually a symptom of this deeper issue of them feeling inferior. I don’t really have any advice to you except to try and sniff these men out early on because they will NOT be supportive during residency, during fellowship, during you first job where you are trying to be equal with the male surgeons, etc. What if there is another pandemic, is this dude gonna be all butthurt you are spending too much time keeping people from dying?
I had a strict ‘no dating other doctors’ policy for a long time, but sometimes only people in the medical field really understand. Something to consider since this guy sounds like trash. Good luck!
It’s rape by deception. You were not given the ability to consent. The pair of them conspired to rape you three times.
This is an horrific betrayal. I’m usually on the side of reconciliation on this sub but not in this case. I don’t think I’d be able to reestablish any sort of relationship with him or his family. Divorce.
The hardest truth to realize is that no matter how much we love someone, we can't force them to change if they don't want to.
Your husband is choosing to be like this. He's choosing to treat you poorly.
Now it's time to choose yourself.
8 months is long enough for him to try to get his act together. What are you waiting for? You don't need his permission to be done with his nonsense.
You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy of soft love. You are worthy of compassion and kindness. You deserve a partner who lifts you up, who is your biggest cheerleader.
You are worthy.
I’m sorry, that’s classified.
Totally.
And P A S T spells that precise way for a valid reason.
As does E X!
You dont have to accept anything. Be you, be careful and truethful to yourself.
In January a dog stepped on a gun,and shot the owner dead. This happens a lot more than most people know. I would just pack a bag and let him know you are leaving because of his carelessness.
It may be more common where you are but:
Buying a house with someone you aren't married to is a bad idea.
Buying a house with someone you've only been with for a year and a half is a bad idea.
Buying a house with someone who seems to have weird financial situations is a bad idea.
Buying a house with someone who had you get rid of all your shit is a bad idea.
I watched one of my close friends do exactly these things with a guy, they are now not together and the situation with the house is an absolute clusterfuck and they don't have the protections of legal marriage laws to help sort it out.
But based on your responses to the other comments I doubt you will listen to mine, either.
Also no adult tells other adult they consider an equal “you are so mature”.
Nope, we don't have separate bedrooms.
You can just look at it as you found out how far you're capable of going to make a relationship work. You feel that you bettered yourself. Take that to the next relationship because this one was done the second she moved out.
The “rekindling” was a house of smoke. What was her plan if she hadn't miscarried? Tell you the truth or just act like it was yours. The fact that not only have you still never been to this place but the guy who got her pregnant is answering her phone… block her on everything and start fresh. It'll suck but it won't have you spiraling doubt because of constantly wondering what else she is lying about.
Don’t listen to this person, look at his post history, he’s obsessed with his girlfriend’s friend.
Not only he is never going to pay them back they'll likely cause even my loss, makes absolutely no sense to stay in a relationship solely to get money out of it.
The pain is not a constant thing. It’s was an occasional problem that hasn’t occurs for a while. She’s been a to the doctors and stuff about it but they couldn’t find anything.
I make sure that she is not in pain and obviously never force her to if she is in pain. I ensure she’s fully relaxed and only do certain positions to make sure there’s no pain at all
I am glad that I was able to help and that you were able to stabilze yourself in this situation.
The most important thing is that you keep your mind clear and always remember the following:
a) This is not normal/acceptable behaviour on her side. It is in fact shady as fuck.
b) It is definitly 100% a problem for your relationship
c) SHE has broken the trust and is not the victim in this situation, she is the perpetrator and the one who fucked up.
d) If she goes into full denial mode or tries to manipulate you, you can always leave the situation, either temporary or completly. You have 0 obligation to stay in a situation wherd the only prices to win are different amounts of pain.
I can see how she would overlook what he did and think that talking about you so much would be the same as setting some kind of boundary with him. It sounds like she really wants to see people and the world as more friendly and wholesome than they are.
I honestly could imagine myself when young thinking the same thing and fighting you if we had that convo just to cling to the idea the world was better than it is but eventually realizing I was wrong and it being disappointing. If she was thinking along these lines, I would only really worry that she is too naive and not that she would intentionally cheat based on this. Some people just have a nude time with the reality that we online in a crap world with crap people and no one can be trusted.
I hope this is all it is because that’s okay. Its a bummer for her to face that but necessary. She probably will feel really stupid eventually as the realization of the situation dawns on her more and more. You might have really saved her from a bad situation OP.
You need to just keep asking that same question, ‘Why did you get upset?’ and not allow her to divert the argument. Over and over without changing the question. Say you refuse to discuss anything else until she answers you.
Or just leave now as she’s so controlling and nasty to you. You are worth much more than this. Noone deserves to be treated the way you are.
He's cheating on you. Or he wants to.
Tattoos like this are usually indicative of something integral to someone's personality. I say this as someone who has some goofy tattoos. Would I get them again at my current age? No. But I've never had a desire to remove them or anything. Many are associated with good memories.
If you can't get over them and don't find them endearing at all, then yeah, it's a dealbreaker. Even if he personally wants to remove them or cover them up, that's painful and costs a lot of money and is not something he will decide to do overnight, it's also not really your place to ask him.
If you can get over them (and by that, I mean not nag him about them or ask anything other than covering them around your family — thankfully, it sounds like they already probably won't find out where he was manufactured) and aren't actively turned off by them, then you're allowed to think they suck. Just be aware that you really don't have a say in social situations that don't involve your family or employer/coworkers and that you should not feel embarrassed to be with your partner. Not fair to them.
Take a bit step back and channel this energy somewhere else. Do nice things for her, do projects, plan dates. Be obsessive in a good way..
Ur weird. She doesn’t have to tell u she was a virgin if she didn’t want to.
And ur “innocent girl” judgement is weird af too.
Ur just weird. And giving me really creepy vibes tbh
He's “happy, fun, and loving” when she does what he wants her to and says what he wants her to say. I think that's what she means.
Yeah she does. However she’s not the type to just rebound. I am in touch with her roommates and I checked in with them to see if she was okay, and they told me she has been at home and not seeing anyone…. Again, who knows if that’s the truth.
He told you because he wants you to do his dirty work for him.
If he refuses to move than you move. Tell your partner that you are moving and he is not coming with you.
Why would you protect a cheater? Tell me who your friends are, and I ll tell you who you are…