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Hello, ? We are my bf Igor and Daria?, 21 y.o.
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Whether or not you are a “snowflake” is soooo not the problem. The problem is your friend enjoys trying to trigger you. The problem is he thinks cruelty is funny. The problem is he thinks rape (of any sort) is hilarious and the victim deserved it.
Listen, abusing animals is a huge fucking red flag. That’s the kind of shit serial killers do before moving on to humans. Sure, it wasn’t him doing the abusing, but to even find such a video he would have to be searching for it specifically or hanging out in circles where sharing this horrific shit is the norm.
I get that long-time friendships can be very hot to let go, but sometimes that’s the healthiest option. This guy is seriously twisted. Like I’m honestly concerned for the safety of people around him. There’s dark humor, and then there’s whatever this shit is.
Please terminate this “friendship”. Find friends who aren’t creepy, cruel, toxic walking red flags.
I'm so sorry to hear this!
What you describe has many classic traits of a “n@rcissistic marriage”, and your husband is trying to prevent you from escaping the effects:
You Don't Feel Connected. Your husband talks with you when it is convenient. He never actually asked what your plans are for the future, or how you can work together to build the life you want. Instead of joining you in your self-improvement, he makes it sound like it's a bad thing. You Feel Manipulated. Your husband makes subtle threats throughout the relationship. He tries to control you in a way that is destructive to you, instead of lifting you up. You Don't Feel Good Enough. Your husband tries to cause you to have feelings of inadequacy that don't match what you've accomplished in your life. He puts you down and makes negative comments about the things that you do, and makes false accusations. You Feel Responsible for Everything. He thinks that everything is always someone else's fault, including the things that he does wrong. If somebody doesn't compliment him, he refuses to believe it's because he's lazy and a mess. You won't get an apology from him for his behavior. You Feel Criticized Constantly. Your husband is excessively critical of your appearance, instead of celebrating your health improvements. He makes fun of you and puts you down. You Feel Unloved. When you first got together, you felt like the most amazing person in the world. However, as time went on and problems arose, your partner began to devalue and ignore you. As you improve, he hates you instead of loving you more. He hates himself, and is upset he can't get you to still follow him downward. You Can't Rely on Your Partner. When your husband agrees to something, you never know if he will follow through, even with basic things like taking the lunch you prepared for him to work. You don't feel as though you have a partner you can rely on, and you find yourself having to do everything yourself. You justifiably don't do as much for him anymore, since he ignores what you do for him anyway. You've Asked, He Won't Change. N@rcissists aren't willing to change because this would mean admitting something is wrong within themselves—and he will never admit such things. He instead wants you to be unhealthy and sad like him.
You are amazing, and I feel bad for your situation. I wish you the best of luck! An individual counselor can help you proceed. A couples counselor wouldn't be useful, since your husband would never cooperate.
His therapist doesn't do couples therapy, my husband's been telling me he's going to find us couples therapy but has a million reasons why he hasn't gotten around to it. He did make a list of couples therapists he found online and showed it to me, but most of them were located hours away on the other side of the state and when I tried gently asking about it he said that he knows we aren't going to go that far for therapy anyways, but those were the first ones he found? Guess this will fall on me too…. we tried couples therapy before, but the therapist just kept agreeing with me and telling him everything he was doing was wrong. I believed she was biased at the time, but now that my eyes are open I'm not so sure. I guess I'll have to find us a therapist, because he's been 'working on it' for a few months and I know it doesn't take more than a day or two to find one and set up an initial appointment.
I do very much agree, and if it does happen when I make this change then I will very much leave. I guess with posting this I’m hoping to gain opinions on how to discuss it with him in depth before making the change and the possibility of that happening.
I don’t think there’s something necessarily worse than your wife using a connection with someone you’d cut contact with to get a job. It could just be that and nothing more. Look into it more to put your mind at ease but don’t make any assumptions based on that alone.
Why is your mom responding with “I could have made it” when she was clearly told about it?
I commend you for realizing you should be taking your wife’s side, and for trying to get better at that. If I were you I would have responded to your mom’s comments with something like “We were sad to hear you were busy but we’re looking forward to seeing you next time!” Without that, to the public, it looks like you didn’t even invite her, which possibly makes your wife feel like you mom is putting her in a bad light to other people seeing her comments. I can see how that would continue to get under her skin.
I think you need to be the one to call/meet you mom and explain this and the frustration you are both feeling in regard to her lack of commitment in seeing your kids. You’re her son, and she will likely respond better to you. You and your wife are a team. Make sure you keep the conversation “We think…” rather than “Wife thinks…” when dealing with this.
You are too young for all this nonsense. Make a clean break and find someone else.
Have some fucking self respect my dude.
You say, “bye bitch”
Thank you very much for this advice! I appreciate this a lot ??
This is not normal, and you are right to feel like it's far too fast. I'm 21 years older than you, and I certainly dealt with my share of the “love bombers”. Please end this relationship right away and be stern with him about your boundaries. No, you don't want to be friends either. This is a very big red flag. Please be careful.
Dump him! He's just waiting for a chance to sleep with her.
Dump the ass! Of he really cared about you, your past wouldn't matter at all. I'd had a few boyfriends and a fiance before I met my husband. He, on the other hand, had only been on a couple of dates. We've been happily married for 20+ years.
Soap box time- you started dating your ex when you were 21! You are likely learning how to love. The old folks always say “the first cut is the deepest” and that’s likely what you experienced.
You are waiting for your current relationship to be this mega deep love but to be candid, that’s usually not real nor long lasting. Those are the relationship where someone is usually lying out their ass, pulling a facade that they are really good at and you are just caught in the matrix. Then one day you see a glitch in the code and realize omg this was passionate and intense but it wasn’t real or lasting. You are not the first or the last to be waiting for this feeling to resurface.
Non popular belief- I don’t think being madly in love with someone should be the goal… I think healthy love of yourself and love of your partner is the goal. I don’t really think any of my head over heels in love friends are emotionally present enough to maintain other relationships. They always fall off the face of the earth when they are with that partner who makes them feel like that