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Thank you so so much, you are spot on, I can confirm her insecurities are in part due to trauma. I like the way you worded it that I’m doing my part in being faithful and being willing to provide anything to prove that, she just needs to do her part and work on that insecurity. I am willing to do that work with her I just hope she is willing to face this head on with me. I will be re-reading this for days to come I’m sure. Thank you!!!!
I’m watching the very sad consequences of that in father in law . His wife left him late in life, he never bothered to make friends. His loneliness defines his whole existence. It makes all his other problems so much worse because he’s too depressed to deal with anything. He is getting to the point where he can’t do his physical hobbies or drive anywhere anymore. So it’s just loneliness now.
One time I was helping my ex go through some boxes and there was this romance novel about a ghost that repeatedly rapes a woman until she falls in love with him. She said her MOM gave it to her in high school ?
because you’re basically getting horny of someone that isn’t your partner.
Exactly. Its always telling when a.) it’s so absurd and b.) OP doesn’t engage at all afterwards.
when a person is telling you who they are, listen to them. if he does not likes the way you look now, what will happen when you are pregnant, or get older? no. after two dates and he already told you to change something, that is a no.
as a fun activity. look at him when he see his reflection.
Fight club is a no no at this point. Yeah the man orgy group is the general consensus here at the moment. And then people saying kinda the same thing as I was saying that maybe this is just 10 guys talking in a secluded spot in the forest and the friend goes fishing and nothing more there is to it. But the more I think about it the more it sounds weird as hell regardless…
Do you like her other attributes (mental and physical) enough to look past this?
Seriously dude
Maybe consider therapy to help you? It is best for you and your bf for you to validate yourself not look for it in your bf. Your weight is healthy.
It sounds like you have yourself a walking red controlling flag..
Hand it back to its maker and walk away..
It’s just clear he did not care for you like how you wanted. It’s so painful and hot to accept but trust me if a man wanted to be romantic with flowers etc etc. they would do it without being asked to. I would recommend talking to someone
She was just going over alternatives, obviously when he ships her stuff to her, she would be obliged to pay for the expenses. If I were to do this, I would ask for payment before sending her stuff over and would be very clear that I am not responsible for any damages.
But its up to OP whether he wants to provide this service. I would do it, just to be rid of the stuff and to prevent a meeting with my ex. This way I would be more able to get her out of my head and life quickly.
I’ll try my best! I have a pup that like to stick to his 7 am wake up time but might get lucky to get snuggles on the couch
Jesus this is brutal to read. You're having a mid-life crisis and are going to blow up your marriage because you want to run back to a boy you knew as a teenager. Sorry your marriage isn't perfect, but I imagine you'd find flaw in this man as well, because he is also human.
Leave because it's bad. Not because you think going back to “the one that got away” will be your fairy tale. I hope your husband never sees this.
I think asking her directly is less messy then hoping and praying that your bf who has a habit of lying to you is going to be honest when he needs you to be his nurse.
This could definitely still be your baby. I didn't know I was pregnant until I was about 9 weeks along. I wouldn't make any firm decisions until you know for sure, and also agree with others – you need to talk to someone, too, especially someone with trauma experience. It's the worst situation to be in. I feel for your whole family.
Jesus Christ. Just hearing the term “eating” is so gross. You need to see a doctor.
Why didn't she tell you before your marriage if she always felt that way? Why did she wait until you were legally tied to her to drop this on you?
By the way, a lot of women SAY they want to explore with other women as a gateway to just sleeping with other people, and a lot of men find that their wives never hooked up with a single woman when given permission, but instead went the polyamory route and started sleeping with other men they found hot who never wanted to date them, but have no problem hooking up with them here and there. She may be pretending to want to explore with other women because I keep seeing this theme in marriages where the wives wanted the security of marriage but aren't really that attracted to the man they married (or women either), and are trying to set up a path to hooking up with other men from their job or where ever that they've been flirting with without you divorcing her for cheating (because you said it was ok to explore).
How long are you married?
It’s an excuse to hide something he knows I wouldn’t like.
That poem wasn’t meant for anyone but him. It might as well be a thought inside his head. Would you really punish him for having a thought? People are complicated. He’s had to deal with your ptsd from past relationships, so why can’t you give him a little space to deal with his?
This is a good idea.
I personally wouldn't. Too risky about it getting out if he has a bad reaction.
I'm not blind. I'm grown up enough to know that we can choose to engage in arguments.
Not arguing is easy. Just don't speak. Problem solved.
I have plenty of friends who are shy and married and you know what the common theme is? Their wife asked them out on a date, not the other way around.
So is it ok? Absolutely – only silly insecure guys would care about this. How do you do it? Direct, friendly, and casually – same advice I would give a guy. Just ask 'would you like to get dinner sometime' or even better 'hey there's a cool advent at X (every town has events going on) any interest in joining me?'
I’m wondering if she suspected she was already pregnant and tried to baby-trap OP.
She misses the part of you that doesn't suck.
Yep they’re always written in this weird short story prose, pretty easy to spot
Thank you and I hope so.
Yessss. Lol my bf didn’t follow me when we were trying to work things out, or didn’t let me follow him. He was just doing shit on there behind my back of course 🙂
Date someone for the person they are right now, not their potential because the potential is rarely ever reached. If he's like this at 37 you know he won't change. So do yourself a favor and break up. You can't change people. People can change but only if they want to and its clear he's content with his life the way it is. You'll be much happier on your own
And it sounds like she dont love him. When she says you married a lady with kids…. Umm no. Its uniting family. Not supporting a lady and her old kids with some other guy. She is going to hell… Lady-Hell
By stopping you mean every e-romance he had? If yes, then while it would hurt me deeply I think it's not enough for break-up, at least if relationship is great otherwise.
What’s this, cancel culture coming from conservatives?
Yes, drop them and don’t even say goodbye. You have been humiliated and demeaned enough by this callous, selfish, ill-mannered pair. Every time you try to contact them now, they laugh at how desperate you are for their friendship, and they couldn’t care less.
And if the other friend won’t cooperate, drop him too. You don’t need the brother’s lackeys either.
Its been a month… get over your self.
If she only just met you she needs to feel you out before telling you.
No she flat out failed the girl friend test.
Fine, so split the delivery costs and pay him half of what fair market rent would be every month.
What you’re doing is disrespecting her. She has been forthright and you need to get over it.
She will never trust you again, especially given that you won’t respect her decision. Give it a rest and stop harassing her.
You literally fucked around and found out. Now you know to keep it in your pants next time.
it fosters an “us against the world” mindset.
This. A childish mindset created by watching too many Twilight-like movies where “love” conquers all. He's a 200 yo vampire? Who cares? He loves me and I love him! Red flags? Can't see 'em! HE LOVES ME!
Okay and you married him anyways so that’s on you
Not bashing, You didnt say the urge to cheat, you asked about actual cheating.
If he wants a poly relationship, he should have addressed it before getting married. Every relationship has 2 people at least. Both deserve respect.
You need to study and practice. Pick a song both of you like, and that makes you groove when listening to it. Don't drag out the length of the dance either. Short and sweet are your friends here. And remember to have fun.
you have been dating for 4 years, your 25 and he is 30, your both out of college.
if he isn't ready to marry you now, he probably never will be.
you said you got into a huge fight, over what exactly? and why. how did it escalate to a huge fight exactly?. a conversation doesn't just escalate to an argument on its own, someone raised their volume level & changed their tone, who did that first?
are you two that in-capable of sitting down together and talking about the tough & serious stuff together? does one person always turn the conversation into yelling and arguing, who is that, you or him?
sit down and have a real conversation together, actually listen to what he says that makes him Not ready, is there some type of goal or thing he wants to achieve/complete.
completing college or eliminating a huge amount of debt or resolving back taxes are a few i can think of as reasons to delay marriage, and even then, not a reason to delay the proposal, just the marriage.
him leaving for a few days because he cannot have an adult conversation is a massive red flag. either your not letting him talk or your not listening to exactly what he says, what his concerns are and how he feels about it, or he is immature and incapable of even having that conversation, which in itself is your answer.
Dealbreaker. Fuck this guy.
Feels untrue, but should it be an honest submission, break up with her. The amount of counseling that girl needs and work she needs to do for herself will likely break you.
my love, i know it can be incredibly difficult to see it when you are actually in the situation. coming from an outsider’s perspective, this relationship is absolutely destroying you.
per his requests, you’ve given up going out, partying, and having guy friends. you cook for him, you clean for him. you lost all of your friends over this.
what on earth has he done for you? other than not cheat, which is the bare minimum. what does he offer you? what does he contribute? what does he DO?
he has done nothing but isolate you, control you, and turn you into somebody who is conditioned to behave this way in order to appease him.
There are a lot of red flags, but “if I wanted to I could’ve…” because that’s another way of saying “if I wanted to rape you I could’ve,” and expecting you to be grateful and appreciative that he didn’t. RUN from this man. He not only doesn’t deserve to be your first, he doesn’t deserve to be with any woman with that mentality.
Totally! If you guys are already having sex why not just date each other? Or why not just have sex with the dude your on the date with?!
Yea it was sarcasm
It’s possible she just overlooked them when deleting everything else, I don’t see why she’d intentionally save them, you could always try and bring your concerns up to her…but expect a bollocking for snooping through her phone
Bot needs a lot more training. Not even close.
I know I'm so glad that we can talk and sort out stuff. But I don't know what's going to happen. He hasn't pushed me away like this ever before. I'll try to talk to him again.
Asking the real questions here.
I initially thought this was going to be about just being friends which is fine if it’s legitimately a friendship.
But then you said he’s keeping in contact in case things happen in the future.
He’s with you and thinking about dating someone else. He’s literally telling you to your face you aren’t his priority because if he had the chance, he would be with her.
This is neither healthy or good.
He’s keeping you until he gets his opportunity with her.
First off, congrats on the career change! Teacher burn out is real, and I can imagine how amazing it is to find a new trajectory that interests you and that you are good at.
I have been walking on egg shells trying to be a good wife but it’s never enough.
Secondly, stop doing that. Do a reasonable share of chores. Your son is old enough to contribute and your husband knows how to wash the dishes or go to the store.
He has begin to signal divorce.
Lol, does he think a 50-year-old divorcee who is unsupportive is going to do well out there? Let him signal away. He can divorce you and learn how to buy his own cereal.
You are free to break it off and try if you want. Just don't use her as a safety net when things don't work out.
I am sure he thinks you are attractive. I tend to think he is saying these things to sexualize the conversation and you don't get the bait or take the bait. it is much more approachable than just announcing he has wood so he nices it up with “b c you are so beautiful”. Not a red flag so much as something to see- does he always combine sex with compliments or sexual things with compliments- then that might be a bit more concerning that he is exerting pressure.
Defending your unnecessarily rude replies to comments you could just ignore with “I get so much karma so I'm better” isn't the highbrow flex you seem to think it is.
If that was me it would be a hot no. Emotional affair treads the line already, but telling her he loves her, involving your children into this affair.
Of course he’s a wreck. He wanted his family life and to have a little thrill on the side. He should have thought about that before doing what he did. This wasn’t a little crossing the line flirting and messaging. Telling another women he loves her should be the end.
He wants to fix everything but where was that will and drive before he destroyed his family?
You have to make that choice but I’ve seen a lot of stories just like this. And rarely does the cheating stop if the wife decides to forgive, it just sets a precedent that some tears and promises are enough to get another chance.
A big part of this is it becoming long distance. It honestly scares me and there is no guarantee when it won’t be long distance.
You are not an ass for leaving a relationship where you are not valued. What she thinks is not your responsibility or your worry. You deserve to be valued and loved, not just to give love endlessly.
You deserve to leave.
On today's episode of how to blame a man for everything…
This. Anything else is unnecessary drama, trying to take on the parents situation, the child of this family.
Lol drop his ass. He's 23 but mentally still sounds like a child. If you don't even live! together and this is how much drama and ego-centric stress he's willing to stir up, you will be a mother to him well before you ever truly become a girlfriend to him. It sounds like he needs to be humbled and needs some real life experience before making idiotic demands and acting like he is the center of the universe. Bye felicia.
I think you just miss her a lot and why can’t she come visit you more , r ur parents annoying about it ?
And renting is a waste of money tbh 🙁 I have no choice cuz I got kicked out my parents house and my bf was kind enough to come with me :3
Anyways continue saving up and seeing ur girlfriend as much as possible. What’s meant to be will work out!! It sounds like u love her and want a future with her and that’s good to know tht u know
Before even considering merging finances, your gf needs to get a grip. Contact creditors, see what can be consolidated, what interest frozen, and have a payment plan put in place. Get a job, doesn't matter if in her area of expertise. Money is money, and she can carry on the search for better while doing whatever job in the meantime. Silly purchases out the window for both of you. It might strike you as unfair, but you're meant to be a team – she will feel resentful of you 'flaunting' your disposable cash, or potentially crack and do something stupid. You want to be supportive of her sorting her mess out. If she can't or won't take steps to own and fix her mistakes, sorry, cut and run. You'll only be dragged down.
Play minecraft. You can also focus on the things that you're better at than he is. Some people are just wired differently. I play mine craft with my bf and he's better at building and battling. I'm the better explorer. It works.
You can’t use Clorox on genitalia.she has other issues
I just don’t understand her motives or why she is doing this
Amy married a man with no kids (assuming you had no other children when you met Amy). Now she’s finding out you have another son from before she met you. That’s not what she signed up for. That’s her motivation.
I understand you didn’t cheat or do anything. That’s why she’s making the divorce easy for you. And ofcource the child is innocent in all this which is why Amy is being nice to him. But again, she didn’t sign up for this. Some people just have those kind of boundaries that they won’t have a step kid or a partner who had kid’s previously. Sounds like Amy had it too, and she never told you that because again neither of you knew you had a kid (maybe she wouldn’t have married you if she knew).
You say you’re losing your family for someone you don’t know. Well that’s pretty irrelevant because no matter what your son will always be in your life, not just for 18 years.
You need to consult a lawyer asap if you haven’t already. Otherwise you won’t even see your kids whatever Amy is offering. You can’t stop someone from leaving you, same way you can’t go back in time and not have a kid. All you can do right now is make it easy for the kids. Good luck to you.
The husband comes off as someone who’s caught in the middle of this shit and doesn’t want to get involved in the drama but sure Reddit, let’s jump to “REEEEE he’s homophobic divorce him!!!!”. Idiots.
@OP if you actually listen to reddits “advice” on this one you’re insane.
it sounds like you already made your mind up.
College girls are gonna do college girl things. Try dating some women older than you if you it’s off-putting
You should hate him.
You should hate him.
Perhaps I'm going to conclusions, but this sounds like some kind of psychological issue. Healthy people do not decide in the course of a year to become vegan then cut themselves off completely from society. I really think your partner needs a psychiatric assessment to see if he is developing something like schizophrenia. He's the right age for onset.
Please discuss any symptoms you seeing with his family. They may be able to get him help.
If at any point you are concerned for your safety or believe that he is a danger to himself or other people, emergency services should be able to place him in an involuntary psych hold for assessment.
I'm so happy for you! I wish you and your family all the best!
I’m sorry man. Life’s a bitch ain’t she. Don’t tell her again, she told you clearly where she stood the first time. Create distance, slowly more and more distance. You can still be friends but the contact should be drastically reduced. You can not get over someone you speaking to everyday. That’s like an alcoholic trying to get sober while getting wasted daily. This is not healthy for either of you and it will not end anywhere good if it goes on.
Try to make new friends, pick up new hobbies, try meeting new people, going on dates, keep yourself busy, you’ll think of her less and less as they days go and one day you’ll realize you haven’t thought about your for a week. Good luck friend.
He’s nearly 40 and lives with his mom. This is not good dating material. He’s super enmeshed and it’s not going to change.
He's actively propping her up like a crutch now. Her perspective is in need of a massive recalibration.
Why should you put your life and your plans on hold because of what another couple is doing? Proposing on the wedding day would be gauche, but they don’t get to demand everyone’s full attention for the next 21 months!
Go ahead and propose.
We’re both consenting adults with full awareness of the choices that we’ve made.
I would assume he’d want to be part of the kids life, as he’s already a very active and present father with the children he and his ex wife had. I would never keep that from him, and would welcome his involvement to the extent that he wanted to be involved.
I think I'd just point blank say to him: you've been really putting me down lately and it's really starting to bother me. The other day you said you could do better than me. So I have to ask: Why are we doing this?
Make him answer. If he doesn't come up with a real answer wait for him to give it some thought. But this is something that you guys need to get to the bottom of.
If you're not up to his standards why is he dating you?
If he backtracks and says he wants to be with you and you're great in such and such ways then ask him: Why do you say stuff like that to me then? People who are happy with their partners don't measure how much better they can do.
If somehow this conversation goes in a way that you find acceptable then you need to tell him he needs to stop demeaning you. If he doesn't think you're good enough he should move on. If he wants to be with you he needs to act like it.
Life is too short to waste time on someone who thinks so little of you. There are plenty of other people out there who will not treat you so poorly.
leave her she’s abusive. please get out before this violence escalates even more.
Repeat after me…. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Their relationship is none of your business. You have no idea who he is now. It is entirely possible that he has learnt from the mistakes he made from your relationship & has grown. Perhaps she gives as good as she gets & refuses to put up with his BS. Point is, you don't know anything about their relationship. So stay out of it.
It seems like you are still holding on to a lot of anger towards him (which is probably valid), but I don't think you are wanting to warn her to protect her, I think you are probably doing it to hurt him.
Let it go.
You, my friend, need to do yourself a favour and take a step back. This hot/cold bullshit game she’s playing? Nuh-uh.
What are the options here… likely, playing games and just milking the attention. She knows you’ll instantly forgive all her drama and cling on if she hints at a chance for a relationship. So she keeps flopping back/forth to string you along, keeping you pining for her attention.
Or, she really is unsure of her feelings. Today she loves you, tomorrow she laughs and says no. Then she miiiight like you more. Just kidding, there’s someone else she also likes now so you’re being demoted…? If this is how she is behaving, my guy, this girl is NOT relationship material. She is just after attention and playing with you on the side. She isnt mature or stable enough to have a solid relationship with anyone. I can almost guarantee that any relationship you try to start now with her will end in doom quickly.
Recognize for yourself that this situation is a mess, SHE is a mess. Protect yourself by taking off the rosey glasses, address the facts for how terrible of a partner/friend she is being, and distance yourself. You’re too focused on her potential, but the woman before you is a different beast.
What does she mean when she says you have bad genes?
Another issue here is that she's concerned about what her family would think rather than what you and her think.
The way she's talking makes it seem like she's the one that'll have a problem bonding with a biological child that's yours and that she's projecting the way she feels onto you and her family.
She seems very superficial in her outlook, I think it's best to clarify all of this before making any decisions regarding children since you don't want to further intertwine your relationship with someone who, in the end, will not value your contribution.
They don’t have anything to transfer anyway so no real concern there tbh!
What's going on is that her body isn't ready for sex yet. Just because you are technically allowed to start trying at 6 weeks doesn't mean every woman's body will be healed enough to have painless sex at that point. Childbirth is the most physically traumatic event that most women will ever go through, and the pain is her body telling her that she needs to let it rest.
Take sex off the table for now and if it's still an issue in a few months, get it checked out with her doctor.
There’s your answer.
No need to include a TLDR if it is almost exactly the post's title.
Okay so why tf are you here asking us about this situation? You know you’re liking her attention and pictures. You not blocking her and continuing this flirtation is you seeking her attention because you know she isn’t single. She’s also just seeking attention. You suck if you don’t block her.
Okay so why tf are you here asking us about this situation? You know you’re liking her attention and pictures. You not blocking her and continuing this flirtation is you seeking her attention because you know she isn’t single. She’s also just seeking attention. You suck if you don’t block her.
Listen, this sounds very much like my husband and I, and I can assure you- it causes a LOT of issues. Especially now that we have a daughter!!!!
For some reason, neither of us really discussed much in the way of political leanings and such early on. And then life happened, our relationship moved very quickly, and here we are.
If you must Proceed, proceed with caution, because it is really, really hot when you don’t share the same core values.
That’s understandable, whatever you decide I hope it’s what’s best for you as an individual. It’s a shitty situation I wish you so much peace and joy in the future.
As in he wanted me back (The girl and him weren’t really getting anywhere either).
It wasn't okay for him to treat you like a second choice that he could just go back to when chasing other girls didn't pan out.
Of course you don't feel the same, and you're insecure now. How could you not be?
You deserve better than this.
Huh, cross posting, at least this time you seem aware you screwed up.
Start by doing some research on depression and ADHD and stop assuming you know why someone is doing something.
Follow up by apologizing and saying you didn't understand, but you are trying to do better.
Then actually stop being a lousy friend, and do better.
I wouldn't say shit to her. Just block her and delete all her messages. Trust me, that'll really bother her. I did that to one of my exes and he was so upset because I didn't respond or show any signs that I even cared about him breaking up with me. Lol. It's like they expect you to beg them not to leave and to cry them a river. Like nope, idgaf, bye. Block and delete. Don't reply to any of her messages. Trust me.
What’s the not simple part?
He’s refusing to accommodate you. It’s not that he doesn’t understand or that you need to do a better job explaining. He said pretty much just told you he doesn’t care about your boundaries and will simply continue to disrespect your boundaries behind your back.
It’s fine to have differences, like how private you are. However, (when it affects the other person) that does not mean you don’t need to respect your partner’s boundaries. There seems to be a really massive gulf here between your values, privacy aside, it sounds like you are morally incompatible. Because this is just crazy. And just so you don’t let him gaslight you into thinking this is an unreasonable ask on your end, “a gentleman never tells” is a saying for a reason. This is very basic respect. You have not consented to sharing your sexual life in this manner. You deserve to have your boundaries respected. It’s actually the bare minimum.
Always trust your gut instinct.
Listen when your feelings are telling you that now is too soon or you are not sure whether there will ever be a right time in your life to consider marriage as an option.
Maybe talk to your bf about getting engaged and saving up towards having a wedding in a few years time when you both have careers. Good luck!
Was your wife telling you now in hopes you would let her hook up with J?
Well yes thats why you are hiring them. He has a baby with her and she has been caught lying. He now needs to know the extent of the lying.
She didn’t, that I know of. It’s just a figure of speech.
Honestly, this is something I would take to the grave and beyond.
But, you know your relationship best.