An incredibly important piece of information is how long have you two been together? How long have you been in this child's life?
Does the child even seem comfortable with you? Do you think he'd mind sleeping in a bed with you?
we started off with the wrong foot. I really didn't like her son at the very beginning and only saw the worst of him.
He's 6. What were you seeing in him that was so bad?
This all depends on your comfort level, but most importantly, how comfortable the kid is with YOU. If you've only been with his mother for a few months, then yeah, I think it's pretty weird that she expects her son to be comfortable sleeping in a bed with you.
Your response is still rooted in codependency & a lack of accountability. If your mortgage is expensive, that’s something you are accountable for, and in this situation you should have a roommate and not a girlfriend you’re leading on.
You’re willing to perpetuate harm for someone else because you’re not willing to being marginally uncomfortable?
She’s right by telling you that she can’t help with your emotional crisis’, because you are solely responsible for your emotions and no one’s gonna be able to help that other than a counselor. Regulate this while single, I truly believe that it would relieve your guilty conscious.
Stop blaming everyone and everything else, even the millennial economy.
Don’t sleep with drunk women ?♀️ And you just directly quoted that your life wasn’t ruined. You know whose lives are? Millions of women daily. And you know what they never get – justice.
She's young, raised religious, and almost certainly taught excessive shame and guilt about sex. You've just pulled the covers off her fragile sense of sexuality. It's no surprise that she's upset and she might not be willing to recover the relationship after this. What you did wasn't necessarily morally wrong but it did end up hurting her. Rather, it showed how hurt she has been from anti-sex propaganda and she's likely to associate the pain with you fair or not.
This is on her to figure out. If she can't figure it out then realistically the relationship was dead before it started. She might be a great person and you can care a lot for her, but you need somewhat similar senses of what is and isn't morally correct. You'd be facing a significant hurdle at the start and the burden of being the one to convince her which could lead to accusations of corrupting her from parents whose opinions she clearly values.
Not going to tell you this is hopeless, only that you need to be ready for the significant chance things fall apart. Hopefully she doesn't hate herself for scratching that itch. Nothing wrong with it, but she's probably been told otherwise too many times.
Wait. They haven’t had sex in nearly a year and a half, and the last time they had sex is when he opened up to her about his trauma. So she had a year and a half to process trauma, go to therapy and tell him if she could no longer handle the relationship because of his trauma.
He's not mature enough for a relationship yet. He doesn't take your comfort or wants into account. He treated your date like the start of a porno not the start of a relationship. Have y'all even gone out for any dates or have y'all only talked on the phone and texted? How often do your phone and text conversations turn sexual?
Maybe next guy don't go over to their house for a date only go out. A lot of people see the in home date as a signal for sex. Obviously you don't otherwise you wouldn't have been surprised by his behavior, but I'm pretty sure he ment for this date to end with sex.
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Because he's a psychopath. He wants to keep you while he continues to be a scumbag. Those kinds of people aren't capable of empathy. Really glad you're leaving.
Oh no so terrible for a man to raise someone else's child. Have you ever heard of step parents? Men are really pathetic, maybe you should actually know someone before you impregnate them or even just sleep with them at all. You take Zero responsibility but you cry and whine so much
Ok, three possibilities came to mind as I read this.
The first is that she felt unprepared for the spa. I personally would neeeeevverrrrr go to a spa without having freshly showered and shaved. So maybe she was embarrassed? But idk why she wouldn’t have just told you that.
My second thought was that she thought you were going to propose, and that’s why she felt overwhelmed. Maybe she was upset because she had opinions about what kind of ring she’d want, and maybe she was wishing you had talked to her about it first so her nails could have been done and her family could have been there. For some women the details like this are important. And then maybe she got angry on the drive home because it didn’t happen and she felt embarrassed about over reacting and also maybe she was actually disappointed.
The third thing occurred to me about halfway through. Maybe she has feelings for someone else? I’m not saying she’s actually cheated or anything. But maybe at the very least she’s found herself interested in someone new and you doing this super nice and generous thing for her made her feeling guilty and terrible.
Listen. You wanna be the guy that got caught and STILL LIED. You’re caught, come clean.
Be honest. Ffs. I cannot believe this is even a question.
Stop going back and forth in your head about you and her. You helped her betray this man and you seem to have no remorse. Like moral dilemma? What morals? Grow up.
Nope, in all my life, the only open marriages or relationships I have ever seen work were those where the couple were both already poly and entered into a relationship intending for it to be an open one. Mono couples that attempt this, the over all success rate for the relationship is about 8% or less (yes this was researched). So opening the relationship puts you on a fast track to destroying it completely.
What’s even worse is mono people trying to use poly to fix problems when in reality, it’s a life style, NOT a problem solver for monogamous relationships having trouble. More over, more often than not the one pushing for it already has some one in mind and are therefore exploiting poly in order to get permission to cheat. Other times they already cheated and are exploiting poly for damage control and retroactively get your permission to cheat. With that said, your man’s excuses are lame, immature and unacceptable. What is he, mentally 15? I would expect that excuse from a teen anger, not a grown ass middle aged man. What does he do when he’s single? Become the friendly neighborhood fuck boy? Is he too stupid to know how to put on porn flicks, use his hand or a sex you made for men? Basically he has no excuse, and you are too good to be putting up with that, or buying or catering to lame excuses to cheat.
Jesus, poor you. In my late teens/early 20s, I was with a couple of inexperienced in the oral sex department guys. Showing how you like it getting them to replicate tongue movements when kissing and then getting them to mimic it down there? Fun AND informative. Plus, hands are a thing, she could show you how she enjoys being touched if she really wants to. Move on from this girl. It takes practice to get good at something but every woman is different. With any new lover, ask her how she likes to be pleased. Good communication and checking in is way sexier than anyone who thinks they're god's gift but actually treat cunnilingus like it's a pie eating contest
Yeah I get what you mean. You don’t wanna feel like you’re there to supervise her. Idk man. I mean they on-line on different islands and they don’t have any romantic history together you don’t really have anything to worry about. It’s just a case of your brain overthinking
He’s told me everyone he talked to about it told him that, although I don’t know all the details. He seems confident about it.
And yes, that’s very true. I just feel like it’s such an unfortunate thing to break up over- if it really does go away in that time etc I’d be okay with putting things under my name until he could rebuild credit.
1) If you were broken up you could've slept with someone and it would've not been cheating. Would've been fair or nice to do something like that? No, but still not cheating
2) Come clean about what happened and accept the consequence of your actions
His boundaries are that I can't hang out with guys 1 on 1 and I can't go to parties. I seriously disagree with them because if I wanted to cheat, I would just leave him.
if I wanted to cheat, then I would have. But I haven't. We communicate very well with eachother, all our thoughts and feelings hence why I've discussed this with him
As if she is owed answers and owed 100% transparency and honesty from him.
This person is a complete stranger to him. You may know her, he does not.
Imagine the first time you meet someone they just pepper you with question after question after question and you are not the kind of person who enjoys talking about themselves.
That is what is going on. Someone he doesn't know is poking and prodding and he's not engaging.
It sounds like she wants your boyfriend to write a term paper about his life instead of trusting that her best friend is intelligent enough to make a good decision with whom she chooses to date…and simply just hanging out with him and talking naturally
No I am aware I definitely talked to her about it and made sure she was okay afterwards and told her I supported her in the decision. I guess I didn’t word it the best and indeed in this post was focusing on myself rather than her because of the way I was feeling while writing it at that time. I listened to reddits feedback and communicated with her about it and It’s just that we were having sex a little too often and it was making her feel used. I feel horrible about that and totally understand and back her decision. I feel a lot better and I wasn’t ever mad or upset about the sex exactly. It was more of, is it because she doesn’t find me attractive or she isn’t really into a relationship with me anymore. Anyways thanks for everyone’s feedback and help!
I am in AZ too. I do not understand the leading people on stuff either. Hook up culture where both parties are aware is one thing, but saying you are single and planning a whole future and Christmas and all of it, when you know you on-line with someone is a whole other world of crazy. Thank you for the well wishes on finding someone solid. It would be nice, but I have other goals at this point.
I guess the only way you'll know is just to message him and see if he wants to go out for coffee or something? Maybe he's just super shy and not sure how to ask you or start a conversation on-line?
Weve been going on dates. He told me hes wants a relationship with me even the other day he did. I just talked to him about all this a second ago. I asked him if he dates any other girls. He sends a laughing emoji and says “i dont date anyone” my reply was “Once again. Do you date other girls? As in link up with, make time for. Etc. dating isnt a relationship. Its going on dates with girls.” And he emphasized his message that said “i dont date anyone”
If u read my story with him u see we were going on dates and etc and now he says this. Im done. But thank u for your response. Hes a ass hole
An incredibly important piece of information is how long have you two been together? How long have you been in this child's life?
Does the child even seem comfortable with you? Do you think he'd mind sleeping in a bed with you?
we started off with the wrong foot. I really didn't like her son at the very beginning and only saw the worst of him.
He's 6. What were you seeing in him that was so bad?
This all depends on your comfort level, but most importantly, how comfortable the kid is with YOU. If you've only been with his mother for a few months, then yeah, I think it's pretty weird that she expects her son to be comfortable sleeping in a bed with you.
I felt the comment was offensive and crossed several boundaries. Do you agree?
I can't tell you how to feel, that is only on your end.
But personally I wouldn't be too upset about it. But I also don't know your wife or you, and the dynamics of your relationship.
I didn’t cheat on my ex with her, I started having sex with her 2 months after the breakup. I was just talking to her as “acquaintances” before.
Your response is still rooted in codependency & a lack of accountability. If your mortgage is expensive, that’s something you are accountable for, and in this situation you should have a roommate and not a girlfriend you’re leading on.
You’re willing to perpetuate harm for someone else because you’re not willing to being marginally uncomfortable?
She’s right by telling you that she can’t help with your emotional crisis’, because you are solely responsible for your emotions and no one’s gonna be able to help that other than a counselor. Regulate this while single, I truly believe that it would relieve your guilty conscious.
Stop blaming everyone and everything else, even the millennial economy.
Salvageable. Hilarious
Don’t sleep with drunk women ?♀️ And you just directly quoted that your life wasn’t ruined. You know whose lives are? Millions of women daily. And you know what they never get – justice.
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She's young, raised religious, and almost certainly taught excessive shame and guilt about sex. You've just pulled the covers off her fragile sense of sexuality. It's no surprise that she's upset and she might not be willing to recover the relationship after this. What you did wasn't necessarily morally wrong but it did end up hurting her. Rather, it showed how hurt she has been from anti-sex propaganda and she's likely to associate the pain with you fair or not.
This is on her to figure out. If she can't figure it out then realistically the relationship was dead before it started. She might be a great person and you can care a lot for her, but you need somewhat similar senses of what is and isn't morally correct. You'd be facing a significant hurdle at the start and the burden of being the one to convince her which could lead to accusations of corrupting her from parents whose opinions she clearly values.
Not going to tell you this is hopeless, only that you need to be ready for the significant chance things fall apart. Hopefully she doesn't hate herself for scratching that itch. Nothing wrong with it, but she's probably been told otherwise too many times.
Wait. They haven’t had sex in nearly a year and a half, and the last time they had sex is when he opened up to her about his trauma. So she had a year and a half to process trauma, go to therapy and tell him if she could no longer handle the relationship because of his trauma.
He's not mature enough for a relationship yet. He doesn't take your comfort or wants into account. He treated your date like the start of a porno not the start of a relationship. Have y'all even gone out for any dates or have y'all only talked on the phone and texted? How often do your phone and text conversations turn sexual?
Maybe next guy don't go over to their house for a date only go out. A lot of people see the in home date as a signal for sex. Obviously you don't otherwise you wouldn't have been surprised by his behavior, but I'm pretty sure he ment for this date to end with sex.
If he press assault charges, she might.
Yell him Christmas with your family every other year. Then you both do his tradition every other year.
Family gatherings are essential and reasonable in a marriage, so he needs to suck it up sometimes .
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What I read is that she’s making babysteps for you. She comes from a very controlling environment so give her time.
Because he's a psychopath. He wants to keep you while he continues to be a scumbag. Those kinds of people aren't capable of empathy. Really glad you're leaving.
She already did! Now he just walks out of the room!!
Oh no so terrible for a man to raise someone else's child. Have you ever heard of step parents? Men are really pathetic, maybe you should actually know someone before you impregnate them or even just sleep with them at all. You take Zero responsibility but you cry and whine so much
Oh hey, I’ve seen this one on Dateline!
It, uh, does not end well for you. Good luck ?
Ok, three possibilities came to mind as I read this.
The first is that she felt unprepared for the spa. I personally would neeeeevverrrrr go to a spa without having freshly showered and shaved. So maybe she was embarrassed? But idk why she wouldn’t have just told you that.
My second thought was that she thought you were going to propose, and that’s why she felt overwhelmed. Maybe she was upset because she had opinions about what kind of ring she’d want, and maybe she was wishing you had talked to her about it first so her nails could have been done and her family could have been there. For some women the details like this are important. And then maybe she got angry on the drive home because it didn’t happen and she felt embarrassed about over reacting and also maybe she was actually disappointed.
The third thing occurred to me about halfway through. Maybe she has feelings for someone else? I’m not saying she’s actually cheated or anything. But maybe at the very least she’s found herself interested in someone new and you doing this super nice and generous thing for her made her feeling guilty and terrible.
Listen. You wanna be the guy that got caught and STILL LIED. You’re caught, come clean.
Be honest. Ffs. I cannot believe this is even a question.
Stop going back and forth in your head about you and her. You helped her betray this man and you seem to have no remorse. Like moral dilemma? What morals? Grow up.
Amen! I can't imagine what a woman would want to get out of JP, other than being told she's inferior to all men.
yeah, thats fuckin weird, this is not a good long term relationship, and could turn toxic fast
Nope, in all my life, the only open marriages or relationships I have ever seen work were those where the couple were both already poly and entered into a relationship intending for it to be an open one. Mono couples that attempt this, the over all success rate for the relationship is about 8% or less (yes this was researched). So opening the relationship puts you on a fast track to destroying it completely.
What’s even worse is mono people trying to use poly to fix problems when in reality, it’s a life style, NOT a problem solver for monogamous relationships having trouble. More over, more often than not the one pushing for it already has some one in mind and are therefore exploiting poly in order to get permission to cheat. Other times they already cheated and are exploiting poly for damage control and retroactively get your permission to cheat. With that said, your man’s excuses are lame, immature and unacceptable. What is he, mentally 15? I would expect that excuse from a teen anger, not a grown ass middle aged man. What does he do when he’s single? Become the friendly neighborhood fuck boy? Is he too stupid to know how to put on porn flicks, use his hand or a sex you made for men? Basically he has no excuse, and you are too good to be putting up with that, or buying or catering to lame excuses to cheat.
If she is treating the man she supposedly loves… I guess, that way, how do you think she would treat you as just a mere friend? Dump the trash.
With did you think would happen
Jesus, poor you. In my late teens/early 20s, I was with a couple of inexperienced in the oral sex department guys. Showing how you like it getting them to replicate tongue movements when kissing and then getting them to mimic it down there? Fun AND informative. Plus, hands are a thing, she could show you how she enjoys being touched if she really wants to. Move on from this girl. It takes practice to get good at something but every woman is different. With any new lover, ask her how she likes to be pleased. Good communication and checking in is way sexier than anyone who thinks they're god's gift but actually treat cunnilingus like it's a pie eating contest
I don't think she's actually said it, but he shouldn't act as if she has or as if it's true.
You can't be responsible for keeping a “partner” alive by staying with them. You just can't.
Yeah I get what you mean. You don’t wanna feel like you’re there to supervise her. Idk man. I mean they on-line on different islands and they don’t have any romantic history together you don’t really have anything to worry about. It’s just a case of your brain overthinking
Thank you very much for your comment.
He does not want kids, and I am neutral on having them. If we stay together I am okay with not having children.
He’s told me everyone he talked to about it told him that, although I don’t know all the details. He seems confident about it.
And yes, that’s very true. I just feel like it’s such an unfortunate thing to break up over- if it really does go away in that time etc I’d be okay with putting things under my name until he could rebuild credit.
I plan on having a conversation I just felt blindsided and needed a minute to process and talk it out with others. I agree porn is different!
If you are a child free person, your partner having a child is going to be a problem. Time to end it and be friends after some space away from him.
Well asking for my number and asking me out on dates is a stupid joke . Plus the people in the group knew he been crushing on me
Can't wait for a mature crowd to give their take. I'm all out of popcorn but I think I can scrounge up some Junior Mints
Platonic?
How about you stop kidding yourself.
1) If you were broken up you could've slept with someone and it would've not been cheating. Would've been fair or nice to do something like that? No, but still not cheating
2) Come clean about what happened and accept the consequence of your actions
His boundaries are that I can't hang out with guys 1 on 1 and I can't go to parties. I seriously disagree with them because if I wanted to cheat, I would just leave him.
if I wanted to cheat, then I would have. But I haven't. We communicate very well with eachother, all our thoughts and feelings hence why I've discussed this with him
“Do you realize you deflect all my questions”
As if she is owed answers and owed 100% transparency and honesty from him.
This person is a complete stranger to him. You may know her, he does not.
Imagine the first time you meet someone they just pepper you with question after question after question and you are not the kind of person who enjoys talking about themselves.
That is what is going on. Someone he doesn't know is poking and prodding and he's not engaging.
It sounds like she wants your boyfriend to write a term paper about his life instead of trusting that her best friend is intelligent enough to make a good decision with whom she chooses to date…and simply just hanging out with him and talking naturally
Honestly, your friend sounds exhausting
No I am aware I definitely talked to her about it and made sure she was okay afterwards and told her I supported her in the decision. I guess I didn’t word it the best and indeed in this post was focusing on myself rather than her because of the way I was feeling while writing it at that time. I listened to reddits feedback and communicated with her about it and It’s just that we were having sex a little too often and it was making her feel used. I feel horrible about that and totally understand and back her decision. I feel a lot better and I wasn’t ever mad or upset about the sex exactly. It was more of, is it because she doesn’t find me attractive or she isn’t really into a relationship with me anymore. Anyways thanks for everyone’s feedback and help!
You are a player, of sorts. Except the only person you played was yourself.
I am in AZ too. I do not understand the leading people on stuff either. Hook up culture where both parties are aware is one thing, but saying you are single and planning a whole future and Christmas and all of it, when you know you on-line with someone is a whole other world of crazy. Thank you for the well wishes on finding someone solid. It would be nice, but I have other goals at this point.
I guess the only way you'll know is just to message him and see if he wants to go out for coffee or something? Maybe he's just super shy and not sure how to ask you or start a conversation on-line?
Just bang someone else and call it even
Wow, you're absolutely right. I can't believe I didn't have more meaningful conversations with her about our relationship. I feel so foolish now.
Weve been going on dates. He told me hes wants a relationship with me even the other day he did. I just talked to him about all this a second ago. I asked him if he dates any other girls. He sends a laughing emoji and says “i dont date anyone” my reply was “Once again. Do you date other girls? As in link up with, make time for. Etc. dating isnt a relationship. Its going on dates with girls.” And he emphasized his message that said “i dont date anyone”
If u read my story with him u see we were going on dates and etc and now he says this. Im done. But thank u for your response. Hes a ass hole
You're ex bf sounds like an asshole