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This thread has been quick to label this an intentional power play she’s pulling. While it could be, if we assume best intentions, my professional experience leads me to believe that this is a trauma response. It is not uncommon for people who have been assaulted/abused as a child to act out suddenly in public. Yes, people can have an intense emotional response in public in response to touch in ways that they don’t in private – trauma is weird.
But the weird part about this is how OP describes the aftermath. She… just doesn’t do anything? Or reach out? Or notice? We’re missing part of the story here.
That said OP, if your partner has mental health or trauma related issues that are a dealbreaker for you and are intense enough to lead to your physical harm, no one should blame you for doing what’s best for you and leaving.
Alright thankyou very much 🙂
You and your past are not disgusting or filthy. He is for berating you and making you feel that way. You deserve a lot better
God, you poor thing. I hope someone is looking after you. This seems quite traumatic.
Absolutely, same.
I’m absolutely not even 10% lol. I think she is feeling insecure and now I feel bad I need to do something nice for her!
He said she WASNT upset at the spa
Being lonely in a relationship is more painful than being lonely outside of one. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Have you asked him if he still wants this relationship? It sounds as if he’s taking you for granted and assumes that you will be there no matter how he behaves.
I would dump her. I'm old school and view this as an invasion of privacy.
We on-line in an apartment. But we share a car
The purpose of dating is to see if you’re a good fit, not to find and commit to a project.
This is who he is. You’ve discussed it. He doesn’t care what you or anyone else thinks and he’s flat out told you that.
My partner is similar though he has enough situational awareness not to show up to a semi formal thing, wedding, funeral, etc in holey clothes or sweatpants.
I buy him clothes once I awhile being careful to select things that are comfortable, machine washable, and fit him properly. He will happily wear what I buy him but he is not going to spend the time or money himself for basic clothes. Now his fishing gear (we fly fish)….he will spend hours and weeks researching and buy the good stuff. Our camping gear is the good stuff.
Same with the beard. I hate it because it irritates me when we kiss. He shaves it off every few weeks and that’s delightful.
But my overall point is that this is how your BF is. If it really bothers you (which is totally valid and NOT shallow, it’s a preference and you’re allowed to have preferences) then break up. You can break up for any reason or none at all. It doesn’t make you a bad person to want to date someone who turns out nicely dressed for a date or event.
Ok. There’s exploring and there’s exploring with your best friend. That’s so far out of line that it’s stunning. A rock should be able to understand that. She has no right to put this as you being insincere. None. Of course your best friend was as put off with this as you are. I don’t know how you get past this.
No. If they do choose to do that, there is no obligation for anyone to join in on that journey with her, regardless of HER EXPECTATIONS… or delusional expected sense of loyalty … nah.
If you wanted to … cool. And you don’t, so f no.
This is BS. Nobody is that oblivious. You want to think he is, but what's really going on is the usual…he likes the attention.
Might not even be size issue and more to do with technique. Might be she's watched too much porn and expects all men to be packing 9 inches.
Not quite an update yet as I still haven’t spoken to my boyfriend. Had a lot of comments and I appreciate all of them, mixed opinions but I can see both sides and value each perspective. I know deep in my bones that what happened to me was wrong and malicious and I did not choose it but I do need to accept some responsibility for my actions. I put myself in an unsafe situation in a foreign country and put too much trust in people I’d just met, I was trying to make friends as like I said I’m alone in a new country and was excited to meet new people. I still don’t know what happened but the consequences were severe and I’m not denying that I am partly responsible. Regarding my problematic drinking, I’m also not denying that this is a thing. I’ve had issues with alcohol in the past and it’s been a few years now that I’ve been able to enjoy alcohol in moderation and drink in a ‘normal’ way, but I know it’s naive to think that people who have had drinking problems are able to drink in a ‘normal’ way.
I think I am going to give up alcohol for good and keep to myself for the year that I’m here. I feel like I need to stay because I’ll probably never have an experience like this again and I’ve planned it for so long and I will regret it for the rest of my life if I come back early. I needed to do this alone as I needed to get some headspace and experience some good things in life and travel is very important to me. My boyfriend is a bit older and he has a good job and a house and more of an attachment to home than I do. He would never have wanted to move abroad for a year and I figured it would be better for me to do this now when I’m young before we’ve settled down and moved in together instead of not doing it at all. People do long distance relationships all the time and they can work (although clearly it’s not working for us so far but I really couldn’t see that coming). Having said that I’ll stay, it depends on what my boyfriend says. If he decides to stay with me but can’t trust me long distance anymore then I will come home as he is more important to me than seeing the world. And to all those saying that there’s something missing from the story, I don’t know what to say. I’ve told you all I know about what happened and everything I’ve written is the truth. Yes I’ve had quite a sketchy past and made some bad decisions in life, which my partner knows about, but I don’t think that makes me a villain. The things I’ve done have been an unhealthy reaction to what happened to me in the past. It was years ago and I have since straightened up and regained control of my life. I’ve made mistakes and done things that were bad for me, but I would never knowingly hurt a soul let alone someone I love.
I don’t have a lot of good things to say about myself but I’m a deeply caring and compassionate person and the mistakes I’ve made in the past have been detrimental only to myself, until now of course. I’ve never done anything like this before and again I did not choose this. All I can do now is take accountability for my actions and pray to god that my boyfriend can read the situation and find it in himself to forgive me, because if I lose him because of this I have no idea what I’ll do with myself. Thanks again for all the responses, even the harsh ones have been helpful. Will update when I’ve spoken to him.
I am going to get tested and get plan b. I’ve decided not to contact the police as like I’ve said this is largely my responsibility.
I wouldn’t call it sexual assault. I would call it a breach of trust if betrayal. Definitely selfish
I’m just baffled she hasn’t gotten any infections from doing so… like that CANNOT be good for her PH….
What are you even doing.
Absolutely!!! At first he wasnt really understanding what i was saying, luckily hes a rational person so he didnt go crazy or anything, but as i explained (through tears of course), i think he finally understood how serious i was. He first tried to come up with solutions like writing things down and “promising” each other to fulfill it..but i just wasnt having it. Ive tried so many solutions over the years, and its just not cutting it, i NEED space to be on my own. He was understandably sad and worried what it would mean for our future, but im doing it to secure that our relationship have a good chance of lasting the rest of our lives – and if some time apart is what breaks it, then it wasnt meant to hold the rest of our lives anyways ? it wasnt easy , but im so proud of myself for doing it