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You should keep in mind that you are probably not the prize you think you are, and your girlfriend probably wishes that you were better in some way.
Everyone has been objectively harsh. Even when I agreed that I shouldn’t have asked they kept going and going
That's normal relationship trade off stuff although she shouldn't be rude about asking him to wear something else. This is not some unacceptable behaviour
also – ive moved on from the bestfriend now, thank god!
This is far too mature a take for Reddit ? you're right though
I have no idea what smut is, and I've asked but op hasn't replied. However, you are in a relationship, where you and your husband both agree that it is ok in your relationship, then that is ok for you. For op's relationship, his wife is not ok with it and the two of them have been playing hide and seek around it (him creating new forums and her finding them and either asking him to take them down or taking them down for him).
Regarding the law career. It was op that said that if his private hobbies come out, it would ruin his career. I'm not sure whether this is true or not. If it is true, and the hobby is more important to him, then he should pursue a new career as anyone can out him any time, not just his wife, even accidentally. I would personally prefer not to on-line with that constant threat, but it's a personal choice as I prefer peace of mind above all else.
To answer your question honestly, if smut is what someone pointed out in another comment (roleplaying with another person), then to me that is essentially sexting and that is cheating. However, if in your relationship that is within bounds, then my opinion is irrelevant. Everyone should do what works for them.