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Sure I can admit that can be true for some, in my partners case his ex was unwilling to try anything new, pretty much just starfished the whole time. Until we started having sex he had only ever done missionary with no foreplay.
So, this is a bit of a longer story. I messed up really bad the other night with my bf of a year. I totally admit to having absolutely messed up and I’m ashamed and embarrassed by what I was told. I wanna start by saying I’ve never been cheated on or cheated with someone, etc, and I didn’t cheat or do anything physical with anyone on this night. So, it was the end of finals, my bf, me, and some of our friends went to a club to celebrate. I had too many shots too close together and wound up blacking out, so I can’t recall anything after we entered the club. My bf stayed with me and he recounted what happened after he took me out of the club when I started swaying too much. He told me I said I wanted to make out with other guys because I like doing that when I’m drunk, and that I wanted to go home with my friends back in the club. He said I was mad and crying and started vomiting everywhere in the parking lot, and that he, rightfully, considered breaking up with me, but didn’t because he recognized I was plavacuum.
It sucks, but most people have had embarrassing nights like this. Actually my early 20s were full of this kind of behavior until I woke up in a bathtub of running water with enough pain in my lungs to let me know I had inhaled some.
I’ve never had an experience like that night. I’ve decided for myself to stay away from drinking because my bf matters more to me than getting a buzz on. I’ve also never, and I mean never, cheated on or kissed another guy while drunk or thought about it while in a relationship with someone else. My current bf i really, really am serious about, and so learning i said those things to him leaves me feeling ashamed and embarrassed and horrible for him because I can only imagine how traumatic that was. I don’t know where those comments came from truly. I love my bf a lot, and I want him to be around for a long time. The next morning I was really hungover. He helped take care of me despite what I’d said. I didn’t remember much aside from entering the club, so he caught me up to speed and I cried and apologized and asked if we broke up. He said no, and I was and am very grateful for that.
Honestly. This is where I wished the post would end, because unpacking the next bit is gonna suck for both of us.
Since then, he’s started calling me names. He says it’s punishment for my comments. He calls me derogatory names/swear words in a joking tone, refuses to use my name, has changed my name in his contacts to “dmb btch”, established no physicality, and he’s established a rule that I cant drink save for if I’m around him.
This is a man dealing with deep embarrassment, if left unchecked it will fester into resentment and kill the relationship (as you already suspect) what he is saying will do the same to you.
The thing is, I had a gf who did this to me once too. I was able to see that it was more or less this uninhibited vulnerability and need for validation that came from shame conflated with self worth. In otherwords: the thing that is normally filtered out is this underlying unmet desire to be desirable by all of the attractive people out there. Lots if people instinctively wish that being desired would be reciprocated. Because that shit feels good on a really base level. That “I wanna make out with other guys, because I like to do that when I am drunk.” Is a very poorly worded version of “I can't help that other people are attractive. I know that kissing attractive people feels good. I want other people to also consider me attractive. I am unable to filter these thoughts when I am drunk. I know being drunk isn't an excuse. But this is why I am talking. It's not what I do. But I do like kissing when I am drunk. It feels good. I want to feel good. Feeling like a stranger thinks I am hard won't ever stop feeling good, because I am a normal healthy human.”
Now, is this a threat to the relationship.
Well, while drunk you proved that you are unable to navigate your own Id in a way that your life will survive. So don't make it a habbit.
I understand the last two rules, but the name calling makes me feel further from him. He said initially it’d only be a week of that, but now he’s saying twohabit.
I get being butthurt about what you said. But this isn't a punishment. This is cruelty. When it comes to forgiveness, this asshat needs to put up or shut up.
To make things right, I’ve been treating him to coffees, flowers, and dinners, etc., and I’ve been planning a party for him for the past few weeks that I’m still working on.
Stop. Right now. Make a plan to spend the night at a friend's/parent's house.
The next time he says something terrible, you need to give him an ultimatum. Tell him that while you understand that he was embarrassed, and that he has every right to be embarrassed, this idea of planning to punish some one for a length of time is weird, manipulative and can't last. Tell him you need a night off from the punishment. If he continues to be a dick about it, this is your red flag. If he accepts your appology, forgives you, agrees not to bring it up in future fights and changes your contact name he is a good dude. If not, this is the kind of behavior you can expect (and now much more easily) from future embarrassing mistakes.
I’ve asked for the party if he could not call me those names, and he agreed. I know I messed up majorly the night we went out, those things I said no matter how untrue, I can’t erase, but I’m now just trying to figure out how to make things right. I don’t want our relationship to be further damaged, and I want to make things okay. What can I do to make things better or do I just have to wait for time to pass for things to get easier? Is there a way to come back from this?
He has already had enough time to accept your apology. You fucked up. You owned it. You apologized.
Side note: A man who has his insecurities revealed is just as confused as he is dangerous. He is lashing out and being controlling out of fear. Your behavior scared him into no longer being confident in your loyalty, your attraction to him ect. To some extent, this is his self esteem issues. You don't have any responsibility or agency to cure those. But if this does resolve, and you do continue, therapy is such a good idea.
I have ADHD and am atrocious at replying to messages. Especially if it is one I've seen/read inside my notification bar, thought I'd reply in a minute and later on I clear notifications. Without it sat there to remind me, I'd almost certainly forget to reply.
Your GF could be doing similar. The reason she responds better to group chats is probably that the constant flow of messages means it is always in her notifications and multiple messages will mean she has to go in the app to see them
My ex and I had a system where after a while of no response, he would send a message that was just an emoji. It would remind me I hadn't replied yet and put the message back on my notifications. Sometimes it would take a couple of emoji messages but it made me much better at responding. Especially since it felt more like a nudge than a demand,y ADHD brain doesn't cope well with those.
Not knowing the exact situation you are in I could both understand why she's upset and also blame her for not being supportive enough.
You coming here makes me think that you are actively trying your best to change your financial situation and to do the best you can.
I don't know which plans you guys had fot the anniversary but there are a million things that can be done on a budjet or for free. For example, yu could try and ask her to do a picnic at the park instead of postponing the celebration (and later, when you have money, you can celebrate with something else).
In short, you could try to offer a backup plan.
That being said. If she's aware of your situation and is not helping with that (again, I don't know what you/she are actually doing) it says somehing… But, at the same time, if you have deluded her multiple times I can understand her being upset.
You guys need to talk. You need to tell her that you need her support.
I said something like this to my ex husband. He kept going on and on about me getting my tits done. I kept telling him I didn’t want to, that I thought about it when I was young but I came to love the smaller size and shape of my breasts and didn’t want to risk a botched plastic surgery. He wouldn’t let up, until one day I had enough. I told him “fine, I’ll get my tits done when you fix your crooked dick” He shut right tf up and never brought it up again. He was such an asshole, and cheated on me a lot I came to find out. Good riddance!
That's his ex-fiancée not ex gf.
Wonder why they're still so close, why they broke up, etc.
Does he ever act like he's still into her? Do they hang out one on one often?
It's fake
I can absolutely guarantee you, if such a thing happened in an English speaking country, it would be all over the right wing news and tabloids.
Funnily enough, op deleted their post right after I pointed out that I can't find any such news on-line.
Does your SO not want to get tested to see if they have ADHD?
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I see where it might look like I’m only willing to spend time with her when it’s convenient, but the problem is that I feel like I don’t have enough time to do my own things and have my hobbies because she wants to spend time every single day together. Do people in relationships usually spend every day together for at least 2 hours?
Appreciate the advice, friend. Food and flowers might not be suitable in my case, but I happen to know the girl loves houseplants, so I'll probably look into that as a gifting option.
Truth be told, we would've been able to meet sooner, but unfortunately I had an incident that had me hospitalized and gone under two surgeries, which took a huge chunk of my time (3 months of recovery and isolation, basically). But she was still willing to meet me after all that time, so I really have a feeling she wants to give me a chance. She's just a really huge workaholic who wants to put her family first, and I really respect that choice. I am trying my best to respect boundaries, so hopefully it all works out in the end.
So you grew up in a household where you got your hopes up and then they got crushed, and now you're in a relationhip where you get your hopes up and then they get crushed?
Maybe you should be single for a while until you figure out how to not repeat old patterns. A therapist can help
I think you're completely overreacting to what's ultimately a non-issue. It's dumb, but ultimately harmless.
Having said that, at the end of the day, your feelings are your own. You're entitled to tell him that it upset you and that you'd appreciate he not do that again. His attempt at “logic” isn't logic at all, and it's honestly really shitty.
So talk about all of that from a bigger perspective and go from there. Good luck.
If a guy is aggressive or overly persistent, I can see why she’d give him a fake number just to get him to back off. Otherwise, a no thank you, I have a boyfriend, is a more appropriate response, imo.
I do understand her perspective though. A lot of men feel entitled to attractive women. I’ve had some genuinely scary responses to, “I have a boyfriend”. I’ve had to be escorted to my car after being aggressively hit on at the grocery store. I’ve had guys show up at my residence (in college when I lived in a dorm). I’ve had my car vandalized. All because I said I had a boyfriend and the guy didn’t care or want to believe me. I don’t think this has anything to do with you. She has chosen the least confrontational way to get rid of these guys. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t want to hurt their feelings. Maybe it’s because she’s had negative responses in the past. Or both. I’m a fan of honesty but it doesn’t always work.
Just stop and find yourself someone else. If she cared she wouldn't have traveled with them. You sjould grow a spine and not only leave her, but in your future relation you should call out inappropriate behaviour and if it continues just break up.
You can stay wiyh her of course if you enjoy insecurity and infidelity.
He's an idiot. If he considers your relationship with you being a trap, then he must be afraid of something.
I would never agree to something like this in a monogamous relationship.
If he wants to fuck other women, he can pack his things and leave. If that's how much those 4 years mean to him.
Making you feel like you're not good enough. What an asshole.
i do have some friends but they dont feel nowhere as important. i just felt so much better when being with him than with anyone else and even if i have some friends they dont fill the hole
Well you see. Corn is a vegetable and a grain. It’s so easy for a person to become addicted to its juicy yellow nobs.
I hope you have a corntastic day.
I honestly doubt it.
Lmaoo
I have a feeling that no matter how much you do and how well you do it, it will never be good enough for him. This does not seem like a problem with but a problem with him.
Damn I used to say who I thought was the love of my life the more we got serious about marriage and kids the more she would bring the idea “I’d like to be single one day, find myself” it was always in a passing way. She ended up cheating on me. I’m so grateful I walked away from her. I’m sorry your going through this but I think your wife is probably on her way out man
Honestly she could have just washed them or asked him to wash them or get them cleaned, but chose to have them discarded. I'd say he should clean or pay to have them cleaned, but replacing them entirely is on her.
No, threesomes are best with someone who is visiting who lives on the other side of the country. Definitely not with someone you see all the time.
You earn trust by your actions. You also lose trust with your actions. Not telling your partner you are meeting up with an ex is the fastest way to lose trust. And splitting with an ex being amicable or not is irrelevant. Out of respect for your new partner, everything should be above board and really, toned down.
She's probably trying to say thank you for all you do to make her life easier! Maybe without your life assistance, she would never have performed so well at work to get that raise in the first place. And she wants to acknowledge that/you.
Ah yes that does sound terrible but it’s not how I said it
True I suppose. It’s just one of the things that really frustrates me but I feel like it shouldn’t because I can cover it and we’re fine financially speaking. It shouldn’t make me mad, but it does. All his paying the mortgage most months does is make me feel slightly better that he’s contributing in some way, but this isn’t just about money. If it was, I wouldn’t be as mad as I am all the time.
This is honestly the whole reason I posted this. To get to the root of what is really making me feel the way I do. Sorry I got snappy with you, I’m just kinda done with today and feeling big things.
Oh I've seen latex free credit card condoms before. They're weird af. No idea where you said it was a 3 pack with one missing but must've been from testing on a banana.
Everyone keep saying to tell you dad. I was in the same situation as you at 14. I told my dad to confess what he had done to my mom. I told him many times, and eventually the lies caught up with him, and my mom caught him.
Either way, you’re not at fault, it’s not your responsibility and it’s also not your relationship, but in your situation, you mom needs to take accountability and tell your dad. At least for everyone’s sake and for your mental health.
She's not that into you mate
You're an idiot… sorry you have to deal with a shitty GF. Best of luck when the truth comes out.
My thought is this. By blocking her that would mean it gave a reaction, if I act like I didn't even notice that is giving her the answer. That's my thought it may be wrong, so feel free to tell your opinion.
When your wife lead bible study, did she skim over the “thou shall not commit adultery” portion of the testament?
Totally this. What a crazy situation, and how selfish can one be to say that he should dismiss all of this and carry like nothing happened…
I'm so sorry youve found yourself in this situation. You should not stay just because he has scared you into it, and you should count yourself lucky there is not a marraige or children involved.
I think it may be wise to reach out to a women's shelter and they can direct you to resources that may help your house situation. Your partner is emotionally abusing you so you need to make a plan in your head and pretend you haven't or the manipulation will likely increase.
I'm regards to the information he is threatening to reveal if you leave. You should try to get ahead of that and contact anyone he may contact to let them know his intentions, that he is a liar and should be blocked/ignored at all costs. If he sends you harassing messages you should save them so you can file a police report if it comes to that.
DO NOT LET THIS MAN SCARE YOU INTO STAYING WITH HIM. it will be hard and may cause financial burdens but I think you may be surprised how much better you feel when you're out of his grasp.
Best of luck OP, I'm rooting for you!!
You ever accidentally call your teacher “mum” as a kid? It's like that, especially when alcohol crosses the wires a bit.
Source: accidentally did it to the love of my life about a month ago and it felt so terrible because I could tell I really hurt her and I have no feelings for my ex whatsoever
Insecurity can not be solved with an unlimited supply of reassurance from you. External factors can’t solve our insecurities because it is something we must learn to heal within ourselves and self sooth.
She needs to consider a path of self work, whether it’s therapy or something else
No neither of us cheated, and I wasn’t rape we just had a fling right before me and my fiancé started dating, and my co worker hit on my twice. Once when me and my fiancé were dating and afterwards when we were engaged.