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You are welcome.
Write it out and stick it to your mirror so that you see it every day.
Punching walls is physical and it is a threat of violence. Not sure if it was her or you doing that but whoever it is needs to stop.
That aside the relationship sounds toxic and breaking up is probably the right thing to do.
I'm sorry dude I don't see you saving this. Honestly you shouldn't want to. Dead bedroom for 8 months but she gets purposely high and hook up with someone else?
It's probably time for you to move on. Realistically she probably didn't even tell you the whole truth.
you big dumb
It was weird. She just had a major surgery and I brought her flowers to the hospital that she loved and then a month later she was gone
I’m just the type of person who plans their future very intently. My mindset this entire time has been money>men. Visualizing myself at the end of my life sitting in my luxury apt, alone…Setting goals to make money vs celebrating holidays. It’s always been money and fuck humanity. But then I get these glimpses from guys, I guess “feelings” for them. It makes excited and gives me hope it exists and I want to hold onto it since it comes far and few between. I usually shut it down before it grows into anything that will ruin my focus in sex work/money. But I’m so grumpy. I’m alone on holidays. Weekends. I party, do party drugs, alone in my apt. There’s no one exciting to talk to that knows me, or anything. You know? It’s lonely. And I know you may say that’s what friends and family are for but it’s not easy to find that in my situation..So I had accepted in my mind I’d be alone forever. But I’m mean to people on the streets, always in a bad mood. I think maybe some people do need some love in their lives? Not necessarily to save me technically but like maybe I need some goodness or light in my life? But I’ve been programmed to think depending/relationships=weak, clingy, bad. And then listening to your advice, this aligns with that.
have therapy Tuesday btw.
We've all been there. We all get though it. You'll find a better woman. Please get therapy if you're having trouble moving on.
I wouldn't care..I trust her.
Please start with learning how to be kind to others and enjoyable to be around. That, to me, seems like the rock bottom.
His only reason to go to a bar is to hookup, there for that is the only reason someone would go to a bar.
Wild guess you two met at a bar?
You’re totally right, thanks for the advice.
Noone can tell you how you should react. Are you okay with it or not. When you are not okay with it then tell her and either she understands and will stop or she dont want to stop. If she doesnt stop even when you are not okay with it you just leave
Yes,he's a shitbag.
This is something I’ve considered…I don’t know
If you have the boundary that’s fine. It’s her choice to respect it. If she doesn’t want to, then you have the opportunity to leave the relationship. She isn’t obligated to respect your boundary.
Youre so close to the point. They should break up but not because shes lying?? but because he doesn't trust her.
You said you curse and roughhouse.
Unless it’s “I’m the one who took my BIL’s hand and put it in Ellie’s panties against both of their will and then yelled “NOW FUCK” at them and they begrudgingly complied” it’s not OP’s fault.
yall are so bland lol, as if tons of people don’t say “daddy”
“Listen george. I am sorry that my knee jerk reaction was to laugh. I am realizing now how difficult it was to come to me and reveal such a private bit of your identity. I am glad to be considered close enough to confide that in, and i wish you would give me another chance to be your friend”.
I did not when I contacted her because I was not with my gf (like there in the moment she was busy i think) but I talked to my ex gf (ex best friend aswell) and asked how she was, we talked for a bit and then that was it tho, cant really see why she would come to my house unless I decided to, I'm pretty sure OP asked her out to cheat on his gf and his ex didnt want to so it blew on hs face (also I did told my gf after I texted my ex because she was already back home but she was fine with it she didnt really seem to be mad maybe because of the relationship I had with my ex)
So you have posted about this for a week now, again and again and again. I'd say that you got all the advice you need and posting the same thing over and over just makes you look like either a troll or a walking red, obsessed flag. Please get some therapy, if you are not a troll, then you are clearly spiralling so much that you need professional help.
shocking
I'd cheat on you too, cause it seems like the only way to get away from a man like you.
You aren’t failing this marriage. She is.
There’s some missing context here, like how long you guys were together and what exactly happened to make her ask for space..
But just going off of what we do know , it’s best to leave her be and try to focus on yourself. Being blocked is a very clear sign someone what’s to be left alone, and the more you push to fix things the more you’ll push her away instead.
Is it possible that you struggle with issues of abandonment? That could be why you feel compelled to fix things/keep contact even though she’s completely withdrawn.
It sounds like you aren't that interested in him. You may be friends, but it doesn't seem like you have a romantic interest in him based upon your description. You need to let him go.
Look. If she was being consistent that would be one thing. By that I mean, if she didn’t post any photos of herself or herself and previous partners that would be one thing. But by your own admission, you’re the only one being given this treatment. And on top of that, she threatens legal action if you post your own picture of the two of you. (Which incidentally I doubt is enforceable, but you’d have to confirm that with a lawyer and who the hell wants that amount of drama and expense). Is this your first relationship? Because if it is believe me, it’s not normal.
Just tell her that she obviously has anxiety about people knowing she’s dating you and you don’t want to cause her any more anxiety so you’re breaking it off.
You need to leave her. Not sure about her issue but it's not good for you. If about bet she has another boyfriend.
Also I'm petty, I'd post it and dump her. I presume America and posting a picture isn't a crime afaik as long as not revenge porn afaik… Then she loses both relationships and her image lol.
Again I'm really petty
My favorite of Reddit double standards
But I like her
Well 10 out of 10 I'm making it a big deal. I won't be quite and I would say exsactly what I would do is it happens agin. “If this happens agin I will go to the cops with the evidence and pictures one of you is gross”
The fact that mom is trying to downplay it makes me think 2 things. She's protecting someone or she can't believe it happened.
You have been dating cheater since you were a teen. There is so much more to life than her.
Then it's clear you have shite friends. You should at least distance yourself from these people, they don't care about your best interests.
You can still give her the option. There’s no hope in getting her to bond with the kids if she’s left out of stuff. Bottom line is this isn’t about the money as much as it’s about her resentment to her father for starting a new family.
The ethical decision is to not lead anyone on. If you want to give it a try with your ex / not ex then tell your date now so she can get on with her life. If you want to see where the date takes you then be honest with ex / not ex that you are dating. That you weren’t aware you were still together. And if you keep talking to her then you need to stay honest with date. Honesty is the most important thing here.
I don’t like beards either. You don’t HAVE to shave it. But just know that your girlfriend finds it very unattractive. ??♀️
If you wife can’t understand how important that particular game is and won’t comprise to do the exhibit some other day then there are bigger issues than just that one game. This runs deeper than the one game. My wove knows I love my football and she knew that before we got married. She wouldn’t dare drag me to an exhibit with a game on. She knows my mind will be on the game and I will be constantly checking the scores and just plain worried. For everyone’s sake she would reschedule. I will be there is person but my spirit will be at the game. Her choice.
So the alternative is that the mother lives in blissfull happiness while getting lied to? It's obvious back then the choices was either her or the child and the dad already choose his marriage over his kid. If he wants to change that agreement than that is fine but the wife needs to know so she could make her own decision as well. Why is everyone saying he's doing a good thing stepping up as a parent while ignoring the fact he is lying, sneaking around and possibly stealing from his wife?
An apology not freely given is not an apology. Someone who loves you would apologize immediately if they hurt you, especially if accidentally. I can tell that you are 19 based on the way you are responding. Nothing wrong with responding like a 19 year old when you are 19, but you have a lot of people pointing out that this is not a healthy dynamic (you should never “not know what you would do without” anyone, especially a partner). And you are being defensive about it without understanding why everyone is concerned.
Please take some time to examine what people are telling you and examine why you are comfortable being in a relationship where you have to beg for an apology after someone throws things at you and leaves a gash on your face.
Like everyone else has said, it’s unlikely this marriage can be salvaged. She shouldn’t have married you.
Can I recommend though that once you’re divorced you really take the time to date? Not just jump into another relationship but actually date women from different backgrounds and experiences. And obviously have (protected) sex.
Learn more about who you are and what you like by expanding your horizons. You already lost over a decade to purity culture. Take the time to find a good partner.
Ok. So you LOCKED YOUR BF’S DICK IN A CAGE??? Wut?!?!? There are way healthier solutions. Like maybe therapy and open communication when he’s struggling. But just putting a dick cage on him and deleting social media isn’t touching the issue.
I’m going to message you. It’ll be a bit but I have opinions if you want to hear. I’m heading out so it’ll be a bit
I have no advice to offer. Just sincerely grateful you posted this and for the amazing resources and info in these comments. It has been incredibly eye opening.
He KNOWS you hate it. You’ve told him many many times. Then he lies to you and tells you “how is he supposed to know” despite you telling him many times over the years. Then he punishes you by sulking because of your automatic reaction to being touched in a way that you hate that you immediately apologised for. He never apologises for touching you in a way you hate despite you repeatedly telling him not to and you don’t like it.
Treat them like petulant toddlers. Put them in a time out when they do this next time.
So next time they do it (and there will be a next time), they get one warning, after which you walk out of the door. Doesn't matter if it's in the middle of dinner. Doesn't matter if they have other guests. Just get up and leave, but also telling them (especially if they have other guests) why you're leaving. Don't get emotional about it. Just something like: “we talked about this. If you can't manage one evening without insulting me, I am leaving.”
Make sure your partner is on board and supportive. Your parents need to see a united front from both of you. If you're partner isn't supportive, well, that's a whole separate issue to deal with.
Then cut off contact with them for a period of time – long enough that they notice – say a month for the first offence, then see if things improve. If not, next time it's two months, rinse and repeat.
And ultimately, if they can't learn to be decent, civilised people, at least in your presence, then think carefully about whether you want them in your lives at all.
I know they're our parents and it's damned hard to cut them out completely, but sometimes, that is genuinely the best thing we can do for our own mental health.
Because I have plans to spend time to myself? Again, why are you still here if you’re adamant this post shouldn’t have been made? Do you not have anything better to do?
Run. Pack a bag, leave, change phone numbers block him:
He cheats (not cheated. He is cheating now) his accusations are to deflect and gaslight you.
He is violent. I have never attacked a woman. In 18 years if marriage I have never struck my wife. This violence towards you may be because you haven't done for him what he wants BEFORE he knows what he wants. It may be because you are to good for his cheating ass and he hates you for it. It may be to make himself feel strong.
You are in danger. He is your enemy. You need to flee for your life.
OP, there's nothing YOU can do to change this, so don't marry him until HE resolves this issue. It doesn't matter that you're getting an inheritance. What matters is that you come from plenty and he comes from want. Your inheritance only underlined that for him. He has an issue with it, and if you're doing nothing, consciously or unconsciously, to make him feel less than, then it's HIS issue.
First things first: couples counseling. This is to give you both a safe space to say what you need to say to each other; and so he can tell you if you're using your privilege in unpleasant ways that are invisible to you. He also needs to get individual therapy, and, of course, he needs to agree to commit to it.
Put off the wedding; you both have a lot of work to do before it can happen.
This is a terrible idea, you may have deep feelings or “nostalgia” for your ex… it never ends well meeting an ex
This is not strictly true. The chances of genetic mutation rise as both partners age. And the changes of aneuploidy (incorrect number of chromosomes in the embryo) rise with female age.
He is not treating you with respect, do you want to continue with that?
Exactly, and if OP keeps pushing it gives the BF the exact ammo he needs to drive them further apart
Many people are both-sides'ing this and I get why, but this is not a 50/50 guilt scenario here.
What she did was annoying and disrespectful. What he did was borderline abusive. If this is how he responds to frustration, only to then lie about it afterwards, that is a redflag.
Yes, OP is an asshole too but I do find his reaction of greater concern than what she did to instigate it.
Always a good call. Protect your vibe, let ‘em be.
Most pharmacies will autofill prescriptions and deliver them to your door. Would that not help?
Sounds like you’ve outgrown that friend.
She isn't your friend.
Is this your first BF? I feel like this is a power play on her part. I understand why you spoke with her, but unfortunately, it's going to feed into her dramatic nonsense when your BF distances himself from her, which is what he ought to do. No more rides, late night visits, she isn't welcome to his house unless as part of a large group, and make it plain that he does NOT consider her a close friend.
BF has made his bed, so OP needs to dump him and let him lie in it.
I'm only hearing one side, so take what I say with a grain of salt. But I don't think he's your “soul mate,” and the way you describe him sounds like he's already checked out of this relationship.
I think you should prepare yourself that this relationship might have run its course, and be grateful for the good times you've had. Then, when you're ready for the outcome, I think you should have an honest talk with him about what you want vs what he wants. If your needs merge nicely, great! If your needs are incompatible, move on and find someone that is better for/to you.
Best of luck!
Go to her place, grab all your stuff while pretending to be chill, then once it's time to go and you're in the car yell real loud “BTW I KNOW YOU F—ED YOUR BOSS. BY B—H!” so everyone knows, then leave.
I am just saying this because I am fishing around at possible ideas. This is a really tricky situation, and it could be any number of things.
Personally, I am an introvert, and when I am in a relationship, I focus very directly on my relationship and not a ton on much else. He sounds like a very attentive lover, and a very driven individual, and that is great. If I were to guess – I would surmise that all of his resources are spent on you and his goals, so he sacrifices a lot of other relationships to get that.
I say this because I am the same way.
But if you aren't open to her advances, then whatever she is thinking is really beside the point. If you aren't interested and have no intentions, then just do nothing to encourage her. Be polite and friendly, but do not do outside activies one on one with her.
No one here will be able to tell you with any level of certainty what is behind her behavior. She may be interested in you, she may just be a friendly person trying to make friends. None us know her, so none of us can say.
Literally. My wife, step-daughter, and I have three different last names. We each have our original names and SD has her dad's last name. It's never caused any issues with bonding, pickups, doctors, etc.
I think you’re doing it. Couples therapy.
I don't know your relationship dynamic, or her motivation, but is it possible she had a plan to get pregnant in a particular time frame, and by you now wanting to use condoms, you've taken her plan away? As in, she's being dishonest
You literally said that he does all the housework, while having a job that takes up more hours than you. So to pull your weight, start by doing some housework as a start.
I have this whole album on spotify and when I have an unusually terrible day, this is what I listen to on my commute home because it always makes me laugh.
Maybe you should approach his friend about recording a special surprise song for your bf and see how it goes. Say you inspired him and you wanted to give it a go. Get super Nicki Minaj dirty on it and see if he copes.
It’s my first relationship for one and two when I told him I don’t care if he watches it I didn’t care but it started to hurt me
I dunno. Either way what I'm saying is this isn't about her not being attracted to you. She'd be like this with anyone. A lot of people from religious homes just end up fucked up about sex, sometimes for life.
And yeah, don't make it a her problem thing or she will just shut down. But you have to make it clear that this is an important thing.
Oh honey…
Your flatmate is correct.
Trauma bonds are real. When you’re treated poorly in the beginning and you are just looking to get back the guy you fell in love with, the trauma in your brain from the fluctuation between poor treatment/spurts of good treatment affects you cognitively. Then you begin to online in fight/flight mode for long periods of time. It does an absolutely number on your overall well-being. This increases stress and adrenaline chemicals in your system with no outlet.
Have you journaled? It is a good way to release cortisol.
You need to develop a stronger spine, or maybe, stomach. He's an adult, he can find temporary lodgings. And when you break up with someone, you don't have to allow them to disagree or talk you out of it. You just do it.
Be strong.
Your husband is acting like a jerk. I should know, because I have similar thoughts sometimes, and I recognize that I’m just being a grumpy jerk for no good reason. So I keep those thoughts to myself and let my wife (or whoever) express themselves and be happy. Your husband should do the same.
I would never in a million years express myself by squealing or jumping or anything like that. I generally find it immature and cringey. But I’m generally a silent, expressionless grump, and I’m not going to police anyone else who wants to express themselves differently. I would never bring my wife down like that. Your husband shouldn’t either.
A lot of people commenting here at every quick in saying a person shouldn’t be judged by their past…
What in the hell are we suppose to consider then? The present can be manipulated to hide true intent and the future can only be planned, not acted on. History books are created to help us not to repeat past actions. Biases are created from past, repeatable actions.
In this case, the OP could’ve had past trauma from getting cheated on by someone who said their ex was “just a friend”. Insecurities are usually bred from something. Personally, I can’t be comfortable with my partner communicating with a past sexual partner. Feelings can manifest from the slightest occurrence or comment.
Yep that is true. I didn’t want to remove his friends from him entirely. For context, my husband never really had mates and when he moved to online with me these guys made him happy and seemed to care about him. I think they’re immature and selfish but I don’t think they’re malicious. Their behaviour is almost playground level silly.
He's only marrying you because he can't marry her. She's his number one, always will be. Don't do this to yourself and call it off.
You are setting yourself for failure if you stay with this guy.
I'm sorry
I didn't let him and I'm a dude. If you actually read my post you'll see that I literally say I wasn't raped or assaulted etc. Genuinely never said I was raped or anything of the sort
?? Ok
For real. 8 months. When I was with my ex I wouldn't even seriously discuss moving in with him until after a year and we were dating for almost 2 years before we moved in together. I know everyone is different but 8 months is way too short of a time to be buying houses and combining finances
What do your kids want? Have they expressed the wish to meet their bio dad?
Just because someone has issues doesnt give him/her the right to project the problems onto other people.. she can not make you and your son suffer just because she has problems. And limiting your contact with your ex and cutting her out eventually will definetly damage everything. You cannot make your gf feel better… she needs to get help and work with a therapist.
I get where you are coming from, but I don’t think that he is making a conscious decision to not be attracted to her. It’s outside of his control. He is nice enough to take into consideration her feelings and eating disorder history when formulating how to express himself. So I dunno. It just is what it is.
It’s better if it is just 20 pounds because that can be lost in a matter of a few months rather than a long term journey.
If I were OP, I would tell her that I am going to start eating clean and exercising. And then I’d stick to it. If she wanted to eat unhealthy food, then I wouldn’t try and stop her or anything. But I am gonna have chicken breast, salad and water for dinner. She’ll have to grocery shop and eat out on her own.
On top of that, I am going to start working out. And she is gonna see me be consistent with that. See if any of that makes a difference and go from there.
It’s twofold. One part is the passing down of genetics.
The other is simply can someone be a safe, stable, effective, reliable and responsible parent with this condition? Whether it’s with a biological child, or – to negate the risk of passing on the genetics – a child conceived with donor gametes (eggs in this case) or adopted.
If they’re prone to episodes and lack insight into their behaviour? And especially if they’re not diagnosed, are unwilling to be assessed, and are resistant to commit to long-term treatment and management.
I’m not saying I personally have an opinion. But it’s an ethical and personal can of worms.
It's understandable that you are feeling conflicted and guilty about your feelings towards your manager, especially since you are married. It's important to remember that having sexual thoughts or fantasies about someone other than your spouse is not uncommon, but it's important to take steps to address these thoughts and ensure they don't lead to actions that could harm your marriage.
One approach you could take is to limit your interaction with your manager outside of work-related matters. This could mean avoiding personal conversations and socializing with him outside of work. Additionally, it may be helpful to redirect your thoughts and energy towards your marriage by focusing on spending quality time with your husband and strengthening your relationship.
It could also be beneficial to seek support from a therapist or counselor to help you process your emotions and develop strategies for managing your thoughts and behaviors. A therapist can provide a safe and non-judgmental space to explore your feelings and help you develop healthy coping mechanisms.
Remember, it's normal to have attractions towards others, but it's important to prioritize your commitment to your spouse and take steps to ensure that your actions align with that commitment.
If you can’t do that then you need to leave your current relationship before starting another. Adultery is not the answer.
You don't say anything to her. He isn't trying to make you jealous, it sounds like he actually moved on. If you do say something, you WILL look jealous.
Dont say anything, help your friend and move on with your life.
It’s her wedding, and it sounds like you want to be part of it. Although it’s an inconvenience, a trip to Spain can be rescheduled. Take the high road, and be the better person by being there for her and not making a big deal out of it. You won’t regret that.
Is the sex good at least?
I was in the same situation. Even if he broke up with his ex 4 years ago (and he caused breakup), he chose me to replace her. He was talking about getting married and having friends, but he told me “I don't love you”. He still loved his ex. I told him that I want to break up because he didn't love me and he told me “but I don't need love, you are a good wife material, so we still can make it work out”.
I am not saying that he should love you after 3 months, but he could saying something like “my feelings for you are growing”.
We deserve to be loved.
Its not the length of time that counts the most but the quality of the relationship. Don't just marry someone because of the duration of time you've been with them, focus on the relationship you have (and where that is at). Some people are ready to marry after 2 years, some people take 20.
You're blaming him for keeping you waiting for 8 years when in reality the time has been much shorter than that because in the early days of the relationship you wouldn't have been together long enough to properly consider marriage (and it sounds like it was only relatively recently since you overcome your depression and stabilized).
You mentioned early on the weight issues. Why not just lose weight? And tell him that now you're evidencing weight loss through healthy and sustainable lifestyle changes, he has no reasons not to marry you any longer. If he keeps on holding back after that, then give him an ultimatum.
Her friends said they wouldn’t tell their bfs until after and that apparently it wouldn’t be an issue in their relationship.
Her friends are idiots. Hard “no” on this one.
no, sorry that's not really what I meant. You've made an observation which I think is important. Which is that you think he's bringing stuff up, with the sole purpose to impress you or to make him seem more intelligent. Have you talked to him about this specifically?
You need to work on your self esteem, or it will poison your life.
I mean… his excuses are lame af and total bullshit. He only reinstalled it after he left you. Hes been talking to other girls and probably sending them dick pics.
If he doesn't have anything to hide he wouldn't keep uninstalling and reinstalling snapshot everytime you're not around. He made a grand show of deleting it in front of you so you would think he isn't using it, and wouldn't question him. But was stupid enough to leave the login texts?
Hes doing something shady and honestly isn't even being smart about it.
Lmao
gay
Because she liked him and was attracted to him?
I don't think his thoughts are unreasonable either way. It's ok to think a wedding is not your preferred use of funds however big or small it is. But this isn't just about him so he needs to talk about it in more detail and explore compromises rather than just dismissing her wants.
And again, my original point was not that she should get exactly what she wants but that people should stop scoffing at her for wanting something she specifically said she didn't want.
Yeah if it's intentional I agree. But there are also a lot of people who can't communicate their feelings well or need some time to process. Forcing them to an encounter just for own reasons is abuse as well. She knows he needs space, he told her so, but she doesn't act like this.
who fucking cares, cheaters dont get basic common decency, either way hes gonna leave, might aswell piss em off in the minute too
Cheers ?
If you're not ok with this you need to let your husband know. You also need to make sure he knows this is not going to change.
Also you need to get the friend out ASAP. Bad influence on your husband. I bet the friend was the one who brought it up because he's horny and your husband wants to keep him as a friend so he said yes to him. Get him out now.
I have dark humour- that is not dark humour.
If you found the gif to be funny…also that you went looking for the gif and thought WOW this is so funny I’m gonna throw it in discord so we can all laugh at the expense of black people.
That’s racism. The fact you explained to these two girls that you just have dark humour and your sense of humour happens to be messed up like that gif….
Well your sense of humour is that of a racist.
You’re really young. Just try to see it for what it is and accept that your gifs/memes are racist. That’s the only way you can improve from here.
The drug use and especially selling a controlled schedule 2 substance is really more concerning.. but if your sex life is bad the the porn is not great to find either.
Guess he wont eat then.
It is now! I made an update. She's cut off We're celebrating our friendship on April 1st.
I stated that it depends on where she lives as far as tenant rights go.
You don't understand how he's toxic?? Even if what his mother said was a lie, which most likely it wasn't; the mother was starting crap. The son is toxic because instead of putting a stop to how his mother is; he wants to just pretend like everything is fine and they can just go back to “normal”. As if they weren't just casually discussing abuse like it's no big deal. The ENTIRE SITUATION IS A RED FLAG. Because even if they weren't actually discussing the son hitting OP for whatever reasons, the fact that THAT'S what came out of his mother's mouth in the first place is a huge red flag. How does OP suck?? For choosing her own safety?!? You have issues if you can justify ANY of the ex boyfriends and his mother's behavior.YOU SUCK FOR YOUR GLORIFICATION AND ACCEPTANCE OF ABUSE. Peace out
this, right here, OP.
The phone number is like the smallest issue here. He seems like a huge asshole who regards you as trash.
Sounds a bit fishy to me tbh. Either he's insecure or there's a reason he wants her to be seen as unavailable. I feel like we don't know the full story.
OP, I've gotta comment on the tattoo ring. They're cool in theory but in no way unique. Especially if you've already got a collection of tattoos or other body modifications. Rings are intended to catch the attention of others. They're not just an accessory.
Don’t go on a plane then.
Why not either get on a nice ship, or, you get the plane and let him get to you however he wants. Just holiday to easily accessible countries not too far.
It's a male-centric view for sure, but yeah it's very very obvious that OP means he was not looking at any genre of porn that would indicate to his fiance that he had sexual proclivities she was completely unaware of.
Him moving his friend in to help her has nothing to do with us go away troll.
You don't owe her anything at this point. I'd see a lawyer as she isnt taking counseling seriously if she is trickly truthing you still.
Shit, you've been together since you were 15 – high time to look around for an upgrade that doesn't treat you like shit and take you completely for granted. I'd try to find a room in a shared apartment/ house, as an affordable option when you move out.
Build a character that’s chaotic neutral. Rules lawyer her to death. ?Karma?
Been trying to talk to my therapist about my situation but she’s been booked, which is why I came to Reddit in the mean time. Will be more urgent with her scheduling
She said in the post that she made invitations and the group chat is to try and organize a potluck. Everyone already knows where and when. That’s all he feels is necessary and he has told her that. She isn’t listening. I’ve done big camping trips before and trying to organize that many people is an exercise in futility and kind of ruins the fun. It’s better that everyone just be responsible for themselves. Bring their own camping stuff, bring their own food, bring their own drinks and everyone can just hangout, drink, talk laugh and roast marshmallows and shit. Great fun.
To be fair, no one's really ready for settling at 22. But on top of that you and this person have very different life goals. You're just not a good match at the moment. You can't move in with him because that'll just complicate the breakup. Unless he's a dullard he's fully aware that your desire to travel and his desire to stay put are utterly incompatible. So he's not going to be stunned when you end this relationship.
Stay strong. His desires are not relevant, even if she thinks otherwise.
she don't want to date you
get over it
Then use that fear in reverse and tell him it’s important and it does make you second guess his feelings.
Updateme!
Did you ask him to stay? Did you indicate you would need help? At the time he left, did this seem like a common illness?
All important for context.
Your partner can't be trusted.. While already in a relationship with you, he kept accepting her gifts and was having secret contact with her. And now it turns out he still has secret contact with her. The 'work call' also clearly is code for something else (when to meet for them to have sex with each other). Why else would they keep going back and forth to find a date and time that works for a 'call'..
This guy is a cheater and will always be one.
I was in a long-distance situationship with an ex for the past years as I wasn't ready to date yet, and I still enjoyed the occasional companionship of my ex. I met a guy a while ago, really liked him, and immediately set boundaries towards my ex. The guy and I aren't even in a relationship yet. We're just in the getting-to-know-each-other-better stage, but even now, it would already feel so disrespectful to the new guy to maintain (virtual) contact with my ex.
Decent and respectful partners don't allow the situation your partner seems to allow happily. He cares more about his ego than about respecting you and your relationship.
“Just clean it and shut the fuck up” – I wouldn’t let someone speak to me like this more than once, that would be it, but he will figure out soon enough that it is a lot easier to share housework with someone when you leave and he’s living in squalor.
Why do you want to be a maid for someone who speaks to you like this?
Thankkyou for the well thought out response. I agree 1000% and would tell any of my friends to just go and if he can't be with you because you go see your parents for 2 weeks then that's on him. He probably is trying to isolate me. He gets mad that I won't move in with him and he has already made me delete all of my social media.
If she has an IPhone you can go to the top left corner of messages where it says “Edit” and it will show recently deleted text messages. If she hasn’t already deleted them from there you might wanna check.
If you still find it abstract and don’t understand the problem I find I hard to believe you’re able to change when presented with that feedback. How can you if you don’t even know what you’re doing?
This is the THIRD time you’ve avoided answering my question and now I am firmly of the belief that there is an issue and you’re not presenting this accurately. Your comments are extremely suss to me. Especially since you’ve avoided answering but are now trying to insinuate your partner might be levelling false accusations against you…
So the reason you broke up in the first place remains the same. Leaving wasn’t enough to change things so what is the incentive for him to be truthful.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. He sees ALL of you and loves you for ALL of you. If he fat-shamed others prior, perhaps gaining weight and him still loving you as much as he does has shown him the error of his ways, and he has become a better man. You are right that the issue is yours. So, if the weight bothers you, then continue to work on it and regain your self-esteem. Don't allow low self-esteem to ruin your marriage to Mr. Right. Stop the self abuse.
Dump him. He knows better and is treating you like his personal bang-maid/mommy replacement service.
You feel like a placeholder because you probably are one. I am sorry to be harsh but atleast hopefully this bluntness will help you see things as they are and you’ll stop wasting your time.
Your long distance bf that you pursued, asked out, said I love you etc first. And you’re surprised that he’s not more emotionally invested because…..? Did you give him the chance to show you he was interested in dating you? Or that he was emotionally invested? Infact genuine question, what effort is he putting in to build the relationship? Why have you done the majority of the emotional heavy lifting?
There’s still time to see things for what they are and leave
This isn't really a relationship anymore. It's two people who are staying together because they're too afraid to break up; I don't think you really even like each other, you're just afraid to admit it. As often happens, you're now addicted to this drama spiral (“He said this! I did that!” for a million paragraphs is evidence of that to me). I'm sorry this is happening, but just break up. It's hard but staying together is just going to make you both miserable. Once a couple reaches a certain level of resentment and drama, there's really no going back.
I feel like therapy is for if somebody cheats on you, regrets it immediately, and gives you the entire truth right after hoping to save the relationship. If you go this route for somebody that was willing to lie for your whole life and still trickle-truths you when you find out… how do you regain trust with that person? They've already proven that they can't be trusted… for life.
If he waives his parental rights that would be best but he might not want to do that. He’s not a good person and having a child with him will tie you to him and his mess forever. Think about if you want that for you and your child. I know you are traumatized but abortion might be the only way to be free. You can have a child with someone better later.
It seems as though there are prior issues before this big blow-up. You both need to communicate in a better way. She's feeling that you aren't listening to her. She understands you work and pay for all the stuff. Even if you and her weren't together, u would still have a lot of the same expenses. Shes telling you that she need you to be more present at home. I am a sahm and my husband works full time. I do most of the chores, stay up later with the kids and he's sleeping by 9:30 10. That being said even if your paying all the bills doesn't mean you have been prioritizing your relationship. Which is fine alot of people put all there effort into there job and there loved ones I.e wife and husband's often get the burnt out, grumpy version. There are two sides to every story. If this relationship isn't working and u both can't communicate or fix issues of the past its pointless. If u see your life with this women. Then listen to her when she talks and stop talking down on her in a reddit post. If not which seems like the case leave and realize rhe grass isn't greener on the other side.
The fact that he’s 35 and never had a real job should tel you everything about how he thinks of money and what his expectations for you will be moving forward.
Plan on him trying to treat you, your education, and your eventual success as the inheritance he survives on today – as his personal piggy bank.
You’re absolutely correct.
Sure Jan.
It's not easy. Best thing you can do is focus on your purpose and try to minimize contact and your reactions to any contact. Keep your head held high and remember living well is the best revenge.
If she doesn’t understand his desire for this and how much it means to him then I would question if she is a good long term partner anyway. It’s not about this single decision but it shows a distinct lack of understanding, care and love for him to essentially erase the one connection to tradition. It doesn’t show that long term she considers him anything other than property.
See how stupid it sounds?