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Not sure why you need to meet her friends. Inviting you along will change the dynamic. Especially if they know you’re trying to assess whether or not she’s “allowed” to hang out with them.
Unless your wife has given you reason in the past not to trust her, I think you need to back off of this. She can’t tell the friend group that Ben can’t join because her husband says so.
This sounds very controlling.
Your life is about to be turned completely upside down. You need to be proactive in protecting yourself financially, physically and emotionally. No more conversations without witnesses or recording. You owe her nothing beyond being civil. Sleep separately. STI testing. I’d even consider DNA testing all children to determine length and level of deceit. And don’t fear informing the children of what is going on. Best of luck and listen to your attorney.