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This is purely conjecture. The OP only said he THINKS shes doing this and it's not up to Reddit to determine her guilty of it. If he thinks he has caught her violating him in his sleep he should confront her not burn her at the stake. His depiction could just be for the point of view he wants to see which side we are on. There is literally no proof his girlfriend has been violating him and in any case he said they were cuddling not asleep. This is far reaching and very damaging speculation to get into.
You move on. You either accept the whole fat package or you leave. People are not a la carte items that you get to pick and choose what you want out of them. Not your thing, then be a dude and move forward. Consider your values and why you aren't attracted and whether this stems from legitimate repulsion or fear that you will fatify again.
I am glad you don't want to sink to her level. Don't let yourself be dragged down.
You shouldn’t feel pressured to stay with someone you don’t love and don’t see a future with just because if external circumstances.
You’re not breaking up with her because her dad got cancer. You’re breaking up with her because she’s a shitty girlfriend who cheated on you, lied about it for 3 months, the. Told other people about it before talking to you about it.
You can choose how amicable you want the breakup to be, though, and make it as gentle as possible. “I know you’re going through some tough times right now, but I have to be honest with you, that I just don’t love you the same or see a long term future with you after the cheating and the lying.”
Some people may think you’re an asshole for breaking up with her at this time, but it’s not going to be the people who have experienced infidelity, or the people who have put themselves in your shoes for a minute.
Ultimately, she made her choice while she was on her trip, and her choice wasn’t you. She has no one to blame but herself.
you find condoms in your SO's car, and immediately decide they're cheating. Wtf.
Comment section must know a lot of things that I don't, because there's nothing in this post that would warrant crazy shit like “tell him you're going to get checked for STD's because you know he's cheating” and shit like that.. What the fuck
Honestly, that is one of the weirdest dating stories I’ve heard. Don’t second guess yourself, you did nothing wrong and her reaction was extreme.
Tell her the wedding's off. Have your mother call her mother to see how to un-invite people. You won't get any of your deposits back, that's how this works. Dont' get involved with anyone else until you have your mental illness under control.
Yeah, that's what stood out to me the most, too. “I know they would be crushed and would think poorly of me” is not a good sentence about a long term partner when it comes to normal, open communication. You have to be able to communicate about feelings and needs! Without being scared (or even knowing from experience!), that the partner will take it as an attack, will not actually listen, will try to deflect (assumed) blame, will manipulate you or will see you being open as a negative thing. They should appreciate their partner being honest and should be willing to work with them on a solution that meets everyones needs as best as possible. It sounds like that's really not the case here, sadly.
Why do you have your own place if you on-line together?
And if all your stuff is at his place, what's at your place? Just an Empty apartment?
Hoes gonna ho, bro!
It doesn’t seem like your help is conditional. It actually is conditional. If you sabotage her now, you’re proving that you believe your help came with a price tag – that she “owes” you.
You say she’s going through some things. If that’s the case, she might be really naked pressed. She might be having mental health issues or working long hours. It might be taking everything she has to keep going, so answering your texts might seem impossible to her.
Especially when you text her asking her to do more stuff, like your nails.
Sounds like you would like living in the city. Cool. On-line in the city. But for the love of all that makes sense, don't sell that house. Especially after just 1 year. How long did you work in order to save up and get your credit up? All kinds of financial things can happen in a relationship, and you can't control them all.
Due to past experience, I will likely keep my condo even after marriage and make sure I have the option to move back to it in case things don't work out (at the cost after payoff (got a killer deal), it will almost be competitive with storage and I've lost a house/mortgage/credit by committing to a situation and person who I was with for about a year before I bailed on my house).
It sounds like you are doing well, financially. Good for you. So you can probably keep the house even if living and contributing to the rent in an apartment. I would hang onto the house empty for a year or more, probably, and likely keep it at least until married and/or tryinf to buy a house together, but my life is not the same as yours and I'm getting too old and tired to start over if there's an oops.
OTOH, if your GF doesn't want to leave her apartment (is that the case? Or is she looking to move to a pricier place?), her needs/wants/reasons are important too. Giving up the lifestyle and options she loves is also a big ask after just a year, and it sounds like locationwise, things lie in her favor. That has nothing to do with whether you should give up what you worked for (that is a different situation and discussion unless you can't afford to keep the house and chip in at the apartment).
I would tell my SO in that case that I worked hard to earn that place and I wasn't willing to give it up because right now she wants me to. If she isn't understanding (and you an can afford to pay one while contributing to the other) then I would think that either she isn't willing to compromise with me, or she has plans for the money (does she? Do you? Have you discussed it? I would, but I would also make clear that I wasn't dumping the place anytime soon so YMMV).
Call me cynical, but a good portion of my relationships have involved me changing my living situation for a situation where I contributed most of the income (not always bad) and ended up stuck with nowhere to go when it ended. I wouldn't wish homelessness, bankruptcy, losing years of hard work in terms of credit and assets or the rock bottom that typically accompanies those things on anyone, and it sounds like you dob't have to choose one or the other (keeping your house or dropping it to be with her).
I'd be out. No one has right to treat you this way.
She just showed them to me after I confronted her again. Nothing in appropriate. Just foreheads and selfies…made me feel somewhat better about it
Littttttterally. Plus the fact it’s something op went to school for and her bf just thinks it sounds cool. So fucking weird!!!
LOL what a low-IQ take. Shoo, whatever color piller you are.
Yeah this would break the relationship for me
If my father did something bad to her I would need to know especially if we potentially have a future together.
If he didn't and she is making shit up I would need to know as well
I can't take action or remedy problems if I don't know.
I absolve you of any guilt regarding leaving this man. Being with the wrong person is like being in prison already, much less being with a person who takes his job as warden so seriously. I'm sorry there are kids involved, but you have full, absolute and enthusiastic permission to be free of this exhausting man.
I dated a guy like this once, and after dumping him, I can't describe the feelings I felt. It was like I had been living under a gigantic weight that was suddenly gone and I could be myself without worrying 24/7 about what he and his “allies” thought of me. Fuck traditionalists and pressuring women to on-line that maid/secretary life.
That was my first thought but if that is the case then she is playing the long con. But I’m going in with the blinders off and my head on a swivel.
So he wants a open relationship and you don’t.
I disagree with other comments that he is cheating or he wants to cheats or that kind of bs. There is not really a reason to think so. But he does want to sleepy with other people with your permission aka open the relationship.
It seems to be a pretty high wish of his or he wouldn’t get this upset. So the question is…does he want a open relationship or does he want a relationship with you.
So I would tell him “hey I’m never going to have a open relationship. That’s something you either need to accept or if you really want a open relationship you need to find someone who is also into non monogamy. There isn’t really a point in trying to convince me to go back from my no because I won’t and I shouldn’t have to.”
Has she done any fingers yet?
Man, anybody who's been burned like you have would be anxious about this. The last times you trusted people, they ruined that trust. Your lizard brain doesn't want any more of that shit – and who could blame it? I am so fucking sorry. Damn.
Try to remember that she's not them, if you can. She's a different person.
Therapy's not a bad idea, but tbh part of the way out of this is going to be taking a leap of faith. And letting her actually prove that she can be trusted.
It's definitely naked to balance staying safe in this situation with not being controlling. It's good that you're aware that's no bueno.
What if you two agreed on a ground rule that wherever she is, no matter what's going on, she picks up the phone ASAP if/when you video call?
Don't call her excessively of course, but at least then, if you're really spiraling…you can have a way to reassure yourself that she really is just chilling with friends.
Tbh it might be worth looking into PTSD resources. Not necessarily because you have PTSD itself, but you're definitely dealing with stress from trauma you've gone through. Post-traumatic stress. That can manifest as anything from anger attacks that're really about fear, or feeling like the past's about to repeat.
It's not proportionate, yeah, but that doesn't mean it's completely irrational. That lizard brain is just trying to keep you safe, and it's experienced where it thinks that pattern goes.
Gotta ground yourself in the fact that this is a different time, with a different person, and vastly unlikely to have the same outcome.
Easier said than done, but still.
She knows what you've been through, right? It'd be worth apologizing for lashing out, and making sure she knows what you're really just scared of losing her, even though you also know this isn't a good road to go down, and want to be able to trust again.
Why are you involved in her sex life at all? How do you even know this? You need to find a different hobby.
Reddit is heavily biased. If the one with the past is a woman, reddit tells “you don't have to share it” but if it's a man then the comments will bash him for lying.
No offense but in Silicon Valley ( where the ex is from) $17 million wouldn't even be able to buy the ” right house” for the jet setters. And plenty of tech guys who have made their money or have generational wealth ( both of which the ex has) ” retire” before 40. And it is not necessarily unlimited unlimited. I was saying it in a hyperbole sense. But certainly she had a credit card that allowed her to spend way more than several months of my salary and she never ran into a situation where it was declined.
Take this time by yourself to reflect on your insecurity issues. Absolutely do not bother her with your issues when she is trying to have a nice vacation. This is about you. Not her.
You know what, you’ve just described exactly my mind. I have BPD, so this is common, but I 100% see this and understand. I already feel better. Thank you endlessly for your reply
I appreciate the advice. Maybe I'm looking for too much right now.
It is. But you know what’s even harder? Being miserable for the rest of your life because you stay with someone who treats you poorly.
You are legitimately misinformed…not sure where you got all of these ideas…but holy hell. Listen to the professional.
“Delete all male friends off social media” is usually how controlling behavior starts. You don’t see it right now, but choosing being able to control who you’re friends with on social media over what your boyfriend wanted ended up saving you from further controlling behavior and abuse.
recently i met this guy on-line who started talking to me. my bf was at his friends house which meant he was busy with him and wasnt on-line messaging me. this guy was from the uk and he was giving me a lot of attention.
So, you sent this random person your nudes because your boyfriend wasn't giving you any attention?