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In one of the comments the OP made its implied
Dump his ass
Maybe your mom is aware that you're much more likely to be murdered by your boyfriend than him stopping any violent crime from a stranger. If I knew that my daughter was now 5x more likely to be murdered by her partner than a gun-free home, I can't say I'd be too fond of the guy who took a weapon to dinner.
Honor it or don't honor it. You're not married to him it's not your problem it's his.
u/VantaBorde have you met this girl in person?
During my life I've been an outcast never really attention. when I started getting attention from girls it kinda just became an addiction. I started dating multiple people. I had a moment where I stopped when I met the love of my life but I messed that up majorly. I cut off contact from her. now in my life I spend my time pushing people away.
She has to hit bottom, and by that, I don't mean that you have to leave her. For me when I started to have panic attacks in the streets, the nonstop crying in the middle of the night, I couldn't go out of my house without company. There are some things abt depression that are super fucked up, the first one is you need to hit bottom, and the second one seeking help, going to therapy, and working on your mental health kinda gets you out of your comfort zone and that is perceived as a threat as a dangerous thing bc your brain is just used to be in that situation and will do anything to keep it that way.
We’ve been together 9 years in January
But she just had a baby a month ago yes? 6 weeks at LEAST. And while I understand intimacy doesn't have to be sex, she JUST had a baby! You all have a 1 y/o and a 1 month old? How much are you helping? Is she taking care of both of them while you're laying there pouting hoping she notices?
Yeah and I’m sure you have absolutely nothing cringe that you do or have done. So judgmental.
It comes down to how much you love eachother honestly. Communication is a skill, some times it takes people a while to master it or use it to make something. For others it comes so naturally they can read you like a book. The main question is do you love eachother enough to build your Communication over time and work past the issue together, or will you just throw in the towel because it's not easy?
Think on it, talk it through. Be calm and level on your decisions. Think logical then emotional and find the balance between them. It will take time and some thought, but keeping level is incredibly important.
He would have left long ago if he did not want to be with you as much. Maybe it’s time to move on from this idea. Talk to your boyfriend if you feel insecure so that he can reassure you, and get confident.
Tell her you don't want to pretend that the 6-year break never happened. You both took the time to learn and grow as people and found your way back to one another. It's a romantic way of putting it.
Guess that's my only option. I was thinking of a mild way to put it but I think I'll just say it straight and follow up with something romantic, like the “took the time to learn and grow” you mention.
That being said, if she is clinging to the HS relationship, it's worth asking yourself if she has changed as much as you have.
Well, she has changed in the sense that she's still her but she's a lot more extroverted, and a lot of teenager rough edges have worn off. I certainly would say I'm a different person altogether. Fortunately she isn't superimposing my high school image on me, rather just pretending that we were “still together” these 6 years as she legit told someone we've dated for a decade. It made me very uncomfortable. It almost feels like she is overcompensating for something.
Tell her you don't want to pretend that the 6-year break never happened. You both took the time to learn and grow as people and found your way back to one another. It's a romantic way of putting it.
Guess that's my only option. I was thinking of a mild way to put it but I think I'll just say it straight and follow up with something romantic, like the “took the time to learn and grow” you mention.
That being said, if she is clinging to the HS relationship, it's worth asking yourself if she has changed as much as you have.
Well, she has changed in the sense that she's still her but she's a lot more extroverted, and a lot of teenager rough edges have worn off. I certainly would say I'm a different person altogether. Fortunately she isn't superimposing my high school image on me, rather just pretending that we were “still together” these 6 years as she legit told someone we've dated for a decade. It made me very uncomfortable. It almost feels like she is overcompensating for something.
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Where's the bio dad of this kid?. Also if you still have brushes take pictures. How old are all of your 3 kids ? And what do your kids say when he gets violent like that.
Not the kids foult , but you are the the maker of this poor kids misery. Now he will always be collateral damage. When you leave take all 3 kids , don't leave them there to feel his wrath.
I think A LOT of people like the idea marriage because it symbolizes a couple has decided to commit themselves to each other AND making it PUBLIC to family, friends…the world. And, it's LEGAL.
Maybe she would be happy and satisfied with a Commitment Ceremony, Op?
*A commitment ceremony is very similar to a wedding ceremony. The only real difference between the two is that one is legally binding while the other is not. A commitment ceremony stands as a public affirmation of a couple's commitment to one another, without it being recognised by the law.*
Personally, I like the legal aspect of being married because it comes with a ton of perks and protections it affords to the couple.
Man people are really jumping to some wild conclusions in these comments and giving some awful advice.
I think you had a perfectly normal reaction to feeling ignored and it’s good that she apologized and sees your point.
Open communication is vital to a good relationship. It’s always better to be open and honest so you both can learn and grow together. Nothing good comes from keeping your hurt feelings to yourself. Everyone is human and makes mistakes. The key is if you feel she genuinely cares about your feelings and will make efforts to make sure it doesn’t happen in the future.
It is a big deal. You’re allowed to make a big deal. What he did is shitty
He doesn’t care about you. How in the hell do you get the conclusion “I think he’s the one” no he is not. Also why don’t you buy a car? You can also Uber. Don’t rely heavily onto people
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This*?
It's completely normal to have different preferences when it comes to physical affection, and that doesn't necessarily mean you are incompatible as a couple. It's important to communicate with your partner about what you like and dislike in terms of physical intimacy, and see if there is a way to compromise or find a middle ground that works for both of you.
It's also worth considering if there are any underlying issues or feelings that may be causing you to not enjoy kissing or making out with your partner. Perhaps you feel uncomfortable or self-conscious, or there is something else going on in your relationship that is impacting your desire for physical intimacy.
Ultimately, it's important to be honest with your partner and with yourself about your feelings and desires in the relationship. If you find that you are consistently not enjoying physical affection with your partner, it may be worth exploring why and seeing if there are ways to address those issues. But if it's just a matter of different preferences, it's possible to still have a healthy and fulfilling relationship without necessarily enjoying all the same types of physical affection.
Honey … He's cheating on you 🙁
I was reading your story, thinking about what a great mom you have, and gasped when I got to the part about your wife's cruel and irrational demands for grandma's body weight.
Does your wife wish she never had a relationship with her father to prevent being hurt by his death?
If you have lost trust in her, you won't get It back.
Also steroid psychosis.
If it’s something you both feel was something to keep secret, it could be viewed as cheating (or at the very least, lying to your wife by omission).
Sounds like your husband was involved and cared though and you both were fine with this. Op sounds like they weren't fine with it.
Some people really don't like surprises. What you thought of as a romantic gesture, to her looked like you just barging in and dictating terms without even checking with her first as to what she wanted.
I'm not saying you actually did anything wrong, but it looks like you've discovered that she really doesn't like surprises.
She did communicate. It sounds like he’s not listening.
They both imply “get away from me”.
Yes. You should stop abusing that pour woman and let her find someone who will appreciate her for who she is. Jesus on a cracker, you need to find a better therapist.
oh yeah, this is definitely how most of society operates.
dude, i get it that the world is a confusing place, but you're cherry-picking so very hot with this comment that it's actually pretty funny.
You are right, it shouldn't be an excuse. Break up with her
She’s quiet because the adderall is working. The same thing would happen with ADHD. You would be a selfish jerk for asking her to get off as this would hurt her. Try communicating your concern to her instead of jumping off the deep end.
Sounds like a loser. You gotta nip that behavior in the bud ASAP.
The domestic load does NOT need to fall solely on the female in the home. Demand your help or it won’t get better. I would consider lack of support in the domestic sphere is reason enough to divorce. That is my opinion! Just know that if you don’t demand the changes to be made now they won’t be made and you’ll be stuck….
That’s a faulty analogy for so many reasons, but if I found someone to be fundamentally incompatible with me for whatever reason, the relationship would be over. If there is a severe mismatch of libido then you leave and find someone whose needs are more similar to your own. You don’t force the person you’re with to bend to your will. That isn’t love.
When we tried to get back – I told her it’s getting difficult for me because the way she behaved right after break up. She couldn’t take the fact that her sleeping around with random dudes is something I didn’t find right and that is leading for the relationship to end forever. Then she tried shift the whole blame on me. Don’t get these reactions!
These replies explain all those posts about men leaving skid marks everywhere on this sub.
Some people go to work to you know…. work. how is that draining. If you do to HR you are 100% in the wrong. And posting to r/relationshipadvice is also just wierd considering you don't really have a relationship with this guy, nor under any circumstance is okay to force one onto someone. you can't force people to be your friends, and you can't report them to HR when they don't want to be.
So unless he is actually doing something hostile. you would be best to drop it.
So why are you doubting yourself? You clearly know that your expectations are normal. People like him need a willing participant. You need to love yourself enough to have your best interest at heart.
End it. That’s sexual assualt. I’m so sorry OP, you didn’t deserve that, she’s a rapist.
Hi babe, I just met this woman and she’s taking me home – what do you think?
I don’t know babe, that kinda makes me uncomfortable.
Well I’m going anyway.
Then he 1. Doesn’t let you know he got home 2. Ignores your calls for two hours
What would you think?
So what exactly did I say that was wrong? I said you aren't a priority for him. He has no interest in getting to know you. He'll contact you when it's convenient for him.
You just said “And if I moved. I wouldn’t try to continue getting to know someone knowing I don’t want distance.”
So to break it down:
-You aren't a priority to him. Because he moved.
-He has no interest in getting to know you. Because he moved.
-He'll contact you when it's convenient for him. Because he moved.
You basically said all the same things I said, just gave a reason that makes you feel better about it. The mental gymnastics of you arguing with me is hilarious. Seriously you post this asking for advice, which I gave you the same logic and reasoning you have behind everything, even before I knew he moved. Can't imagine why you're 35 and single.
Okay so I am gonna try to check her phone again later to see if I can find the deleted messages, thanks to all of your suggestions. I know it’s bad and trust me I seriously don’t want to invade her privacy again…. But if they are there, then it is concrete proof and she will be caught. I am hoping she doesn’t already know about that feature, or somehow looked it up after I confronted her about it.
A romantic relationship with a 32 year old woman, at your age, is weird and problematic due to the power dynamic that exists between the two of you. You admit you've never been successful with girls, so you inexperience could certainly be exploited by a partner who didn't have your best interests in mind.
If you're both just DTF, and you both know it's just fucking and nothing more, and if there's a buffer between your friendship-with-benefits with her and the rest of your life, then by all means you should do it. Fuck away, young man. Fuck away. Just don't get too close.
I'm chill about it/trying to move past it because it's so early and, idk, at what point are people like okay let's not talk to other people anymore? I assumed we were at that point, it probably should have been a conversation, hence the “alright, there wasn't anything physical, but let's have this conversation now and try to move past it” approach.
No point even posting in here. Everyone just gonna get caught up on the age difference.
This is one of those situations where nobody is in the wrong. That's really tough. I would maybe see about meeting your daughter WITH your wife before you all talk custody.
So I mentioned this post to my wife and she said she has a colleague that is dealing with a similar thing. Once she was pregnant her husband just assumed she would stop working. She had thought her husband was a feminist before this. Apparently she is having him read feminist theory, which was one of my suggestions. I think it is still early, but it sounds like he was working on it and making improvements.
I think a lot of men just take this idea for granted. It’s an assumption that women will just leave their careers once they are moms. It surprises me that men still feel this way, but unfortunately it seems pretty common.
It doesn’t take clairvoyance to know how difficult it is to attracted and keep employees.
How difficult it is to start a business and make it profitable.
If it can’t take criticism he’ll never survive an IRS audit or client complaint.
Why isn’t she allowed to feel how she feels or have what’s important to her be important? Love languages exist because people feel loved in different ways. His wife wants some acknowledgment on SM because it matters to her. It doesn’t seem like she wants anything excessive or above what’s common in many relationships, just a little PDA here and there.
If something like that meant a lot to my partner I wouldn’t hesitate and I wouldn’t think they need to “chill tf out”.
Your wife sucks. And if you continue to ‘allow’ her nasty behavior, you suck too.
The thing is, I don't think I'm being unreasonable at all. The only reason I don't want him to go is because she's going. If she wasn't going, I would have no issue. Yeah, I'd be sad that I don't get to go but I'd feel much more comfortable with that than the current situation.
I don't know what's best for me. I thought at the time that giving the ultimatum was the best thing but I don't know. I don't want to break up with him and I don't want our relationship to be over but I also don't want him to go on holiday with her
Do you think she's going to tell them the truth?
Sounds like she strategically waited for you to land the mew job before telling you she's going for warm weather.
What is the expectation if you two continue?
Another consideration is if your bf ever wants to apply for a loan. Whether for a car, mortgage, or personal, the lender is going to want to see some income to assess their risk. If your bf isn't getting an actual income, the odds of being approved for a loan drop significantly. So if the two of you decide to buy a house together and this arrangement is still going on, you're completely reliant on your personal income to get approved, because as far as the bank is concerned, bf has none.
Also, that is a lot of power being handed to his brother. All he has to do is report the card as stolen, and your bf could find himself with a new pair of bracelets. Hell, it might not even be malicious. Brother could forget which card he gave bf and not think to ask.
This arrangement might be working fine for now, but it has some serious risks attached.
Sad
Comment Rule 1: All comments must be on topic and focus on the OP, in good faith. Derailing arguments, fights, and moral whataboutism is not allowed. Advice given must be good, ethical advice. Remember, the goal is to help your fellow human.
The issue is that I’m pushing for a very tight budget, but she would prefer to enjoy her money a bit more. Even on my proposed barebones budget, I’m too anxious about spending even that.