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claire<3, 23 y.o.
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Gotta buy the doormat, lock down the one who will expect the least and accept the worst.
The OP might want to get tested for STDs too…
My husband had no intention of leaving the cosy little his pathetic, gullible wife built for us. He adored the life I gave him and recently told me he'd love for us to start again and have it all back. My only issue would be the three girlfriends he's successfully managed to hide from me in the past two years we've been separated and how easily he lies to my actual face.
Some people just can't help but chase the thrill while crave the beautiful comfort of being truly loved. That's the take I've come away with. He had a girlfriend for THREE years before I left. God knows who and how many before her. Leave. Leave him cold and wanting. Don't be me.
I feel like there is a lot more going on here than just “my daughter hates me because I’m beautiful.”
Was this a platonic or sexual cuddling in your opinion?
Next step is to openly talk about what happened with your best friend and get his side of the story. He may be experiencing loneliness or even depression and wanted some physical contact for comfort. Of course, he should have asked you for permission first, which you should definitely bring up. Or the explanation could be less innocent in which case you should establish clear boundaries with him.
You’re right, time to put distance between us
Of course not everyone has crushes. There are people that can't even aroused to someone they don't have emotional connection while being single. This sexuality has it's name, but I don't remember. Point is this minority, but it doesn't mean people who get crushes act on them, nor do these crushes last too long.
Sounds like you guys have it organically twice a week? Seems pretty standard for a year in. If you want more, though, there's nothing much to be done besides what you've already done.
Either what you have is enough or it isn't. You can either accept it, break up, or create an ultimatum (which is just a messier break up with extra steps).
If you're wanting a partner who goes at it more frequently, that's something you'll have to lay out when you're defining the relationship, and you'll have to stick to relationships with people who have had long-term relationships. Lots of people think they're super horny individuals until they've been with the same person for a year or more.
I’m literally so confused. It IS your culture. You were literally brought up that way by your parents. I wouldn’t even know how to respond to someone saying that junk. Id just be like are you actually serious.
Check out the difference between reactive vs spontaneous sexual desire.
Studies I've read indicated that the majority of men have spontaneous desire and the majority of women have reactive desire. (I've only seen these studies done in a binary context).
I found that to be disrespectful. I talked to him about this and he responded by saying he wouldn’t do it anymore and that he would delete the accounts bc they didn’t mean anything to him.
So he lied to you. You told him how it made you feel and he lied. He thought you were dumb enough not to notice. He is knowingly disrespecting you and lieing to you. He is showing you who he is. Believe him.
Personally I refuse to date guys like your boyfriend. I think its super creepy for an adult man to thirst over 100s of insta models. It shows you the type of guy he is. Every guy I know who does that is a womanizer, doesn't respect women or their partners. The fact that he lied and doesn't really care about your feelings makes things even worse.
You go swimming. That’s what you do. Tell him to stop carrying on like that he’s a grown man.
You will both naturally pick up some the other person's mannerisms.
That's why you should pick your friends well.
Not everything is abuse. Yes it’s childish and toxic but not every little thing is abuse
OP, you need to run a fuckboy exorcism on your bf, judging from both your first and second posts re: this man.
It’s naked to say without knowing your GF but here are some of my thoughts: – I’m on the spectrum and am a creature of habit. When I’m in “the zone” it’s very hot and stressful for me to be pulled out. It’s possible she’s feeling overwhelmed by the sudden surprise. – Massages are LOVELY but they can be a whole thing. If she’s on her period, has a acne breakout , just washed her hair, etc she might not be mentally /physically prepared for a massage. – If you’re having house / money issues she might be upset about the cost. – If she’s having a rough patch at work she might be stressed that this half day might mess her up. She probably knows her boss better than you so she might be concerned this will affect her job.
Just a few ideas. Ultimately your best bet is to talk to her.
I’d recommend the book Mating In Captivity by Esther Perel. It’s a book about maintaining intimacy and desire in monogamous relationships.
It walks through a lot of examples of couples dealing with the same feelings as you and goes into how they were able to turn things around.
The thing about getting dumped is that as much as it hurts… you need to close that door and start to move on.
You got dumped. It sucks. But I don't think you can just go and be friends again right away. It wouldn't work for me. Give it some time with no contact.
And don't try to give it a try again is my advice. Just close that door. If something happens to open it again, consider it then. But don't hang onto it.
Just lie, lol. Tell him you talked to the doctor, summed up his symptoms/general medical history/etc and they said he should go buy some fuckin' Beano while he waits.
In my heart I think you’re right… it makes me so sad?
There’s no reason to be friends with that asshole. Stop texting him. Let yourself be sad for two more weeks and then move on.
So glad it worked!
Makes me wonder if she had an STD and she was prepping herself with bleach wipes… not that it would work
Honey, you were groomed. You've been conditioned by this woman since you were a teenager to want and need her. She's toxic, and will just keep dragging you down.
Ding! Ding! Ding!
The healer that he's sleeping with,
We don't make enough to hire someone.. and our space is small enough that I think we have the ability to handle the work ourselves.
Not arguing isn't exactly an improvement in her quality of life. It seems that the medications made her unable to feel any anger, or perhaps anything at all. At that point it's bad, because she also can't feel GOOD emotions if she feels entirely numb. This is most likely why she's unsure of her feelings for you. If she can't feel happy, how does she know how to feel?
I think she should definitely work on changing medication with her doctor. After not feeling anything for 2 years though? That's rough. I feel like someone should have checked in on how she felt with these meds.
Right now, do your best to be loving and supportive. Maybe with the right medication things may come back to her. I hope so, anyways.
I think the initial thought is that he would have power over me since he’s older. I’m not saying that there is one at all, but I’ve been told “be careful” multiple times by friends after it was brought up he’s older, but you’re right I know my relationship is healthy so I shouldn’t let it get to me, it just happens so often I was wondering if I was ignorant to something that everyone else saw?
Sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself. You have no obligation to be (or feel) sexual. You deserve (and should take) your space and time as you need.
Ah, so how long did it take you to get your medical license through google? Throwing around personality disorders is disgusting.
Have you addressed this with him? The mansplaining thing in general. Because, you see, mansplaining pretty much is explaining something a lady already knows, and that can be annoying. (Jk)
Yes, so does mine. It’s strange because I might even want to end a relationship because I feel it is no longer healthy for me, but if the other person ends it before I do, I become distraught because on a very deep seated level, I feel I have been abandoned.
Sadly this*^
Really isn’t enough information to give any sort of answer. Anyone who claims otherwise is just projecting their own shit onto you or speculating thinking they’re Sherlock Holmes. If it’s really bothering you. Just say to him “hey I noticed you I unfriended your ex on Facebook. You didn’t have to do that for my sake you know?” And see what he says. If he acts weird about it maybe there’s something to be suspicious about it. But if not you kinda just have to move on. I personally Don’t think this information alone is some sort of smoking gun.
I have been open with her about my feeling so its not like i have been silent or bottling it up.
I honestly don't know. I think he's blissfully ignorant so I'm trying to tone downy affection so it's not such a shock. Like I love him but we're just sooo different it would never work I don't think but I'm at an impasse as to when to end it
Yeah bro I wish I had more details to give ngl but that’s the play by play of the day haha
And that’s understandable, but part of that seems to be that he keeps coming back and that needs to be blocked for you to heal. You said the ‘trying’ is killing you, I’m saying the trying also needs to be cut, in order to heal there can’t be an opportunity to try. You said you still talk a lot over text, why? If he’s not seeing the kids and I’m guessing not terribly concerned with doing so, what are you talking about with him?
Forget the Girl Code and put this AH out of your mind forever. The fiancée is an adult. She does not need anyone to tell her he’s a jerk. At this point, it’s none of your business what he does. Let it go. Feeling sorry for her is fine, but leave it at that. No need to stir up drama- just move on.
If everything is going well, and you know you have feelings for eachother, don't worry about what people think of your age gap. You didn't start dating her the moment she turned 18 or anything, so you're not some creep.
Sunk cost fallacy.
You lose more the longer you stay with him.
It sounds like you were being kind of clingy and it put her off. What are you doing to manage your personal issues? If you're going to reach out, make sure you have a handle on your mental health first so the same issue doesn't crop up again.
If you feel like you're in a good place and have tools to manage your stress, you can just shoot her a casual text and say you've been thinking about her and you'd love to catch up. If she agrees, feel out whether there's still a spark there and take things slower this time around. If she doesn't respond or gives you an excuse, let it go.
You have never spoken actual words to this person. Naked to know they're your soulmate!
The important thing to know here would be if “J” had “permission” from his own spouse to drop shrooms with your wife. If she signed off on that she may not be as upset by this as you imagine (since it's kind of common knowledge what psilocybin causes people to feel). But in terms of your own marriage, you've already kind of blurred all the lines to where your wife didn't even think you needed to know about this until half a year later. It's just really naked to be “swingers” and then to try to put “rules” on who can and can't take liberties. Telling this guys wife (he tried to do something that you and your wife do all the time) just feels a bit hypocritical. Maybe just distance yourself from “J” for a while (and ask your wife to stop getting high alone with other guys).
My aren’t you just the pleasant little rose? Why would you send him a picture of the rose knowing it was going to cause trouble? Do him a favour and break up with him so you be as single and flirty as you want whilst at college rather than get off on stoking up his jealousy.
Abusive people are always “sometimes nice.” It's part of the cycle of violence.
If you have a crush on him, nows your chance. Odds are, like most friends during high school, you’ll probably drift apart or completely lose contact during college. Nows your chance to prevent that by making a move.
If he’s shy, don’t make a huge deal in public about it. None of those public promposals. Just ask him to talk somewhere in private after school. Get him some chocolates, make some kind of small display asking him to go to prom with you. And then just ask him.
But he may not want to go to prom in general. If he says that, don’t take that as a rejection. Ask him to go on a private date then. If he says no to that, then that’s your rejection.
This. Stop asking, but keep digging. Be prepared for how you'll move forward when you find what you're looking for.
It'd be like if you walked up to someone do a puzzle and just messed up the pieces. Is it the end of the world? No, but it's pretty rude and disrespectful, especially in the context she did it.
Maybe when she's doing something she enjoys he should walk up and mess it up. Maybe turn off a reality tv show she's trying to watch (which I will assume she's into, given her bratty attitude). I'm sure he'd be called abusive for such “benign” behavior, though.
Well then, I guess she won’t be getting any.
People dont change, they evolve.
You need to spend time with yourself before being with someone at all. You have a lot of previously untreated mental health concerns. Look forward to a full recovery.
There’s no way to love someone else until you fully recover and love yourself.
You need to spend time with yourself before being with someone at all. You have a lot of previously untreated mental health concerns. Look forward to a full recovery.
There’s no way to love someone else until you fully recover and love yourself.
He's already tipped her off if there is something going on between them. He's already deleted messages. He's already hidden any evidence you likely would have been able to find because you just keep asking and waiting days to do anything about his answers.
If you message her and there's something going on between them, she will play dumb. She will placate you until you go away.
Stop letting him know you're digging. Let him think you've dropped it. Look into hiring a PI to look into it and go from there.
I will say if you've gone this far, you know deep down that there's something to find. I'm of the mentality that at that point, it's just time to call time-of-death on the relationship. He's mentally abusing you while you're newly post-partum, making shitty comments about the body that just created and birthed and is feeding his child. And then turning around and saying it's a joke? No ma'am. That's mental abuse at the very least during a time when you're already mentally and emotionally fragile.
Do yourself and your child a favor and leave this man. He is not worth this effort.
Jan to now is 3 months. So u fell in love b4 getting into a relationship? Since u said 5 months.
My dog may have some anxiety issues but if she does I gave them to her so I feel guilty (I have anxiety
Thats common. They take on traits of owners. Does he also complain about ur anxiety?
she gets the shaft
Ya nope. Id pick the dog.
because he said it’s not acceptable.
Nope. Look up the breed. Lil dogs tend to be like that. My Jack Russell Terrier was like that with kids. They dont want to be chased & grabbed. Some breeds just dont do well with kids.
I’ll choose her
Good! How it should be!
just don’t know if im not being reasonable or if there is something I could do better on my end.
Nope. The unreasonable one is him.
Something stopping you from being a decent father?
I mean, apart from seeking constant validation from your friends regarding questions that should not concern them…
Difficult to say – it may be, that Your sister was abused by someone else and she is projecting it on Your father. (Which might be the Feeling of being abandoned and not protected by him, him not having a clue) It may be, that she suffers from a personality disorder and is blowing things put if proportion. Like, its normal to have just one shower?? Maybe she's having difficult influences, like friends Who consider that as abuse (just Look at the whole fake disorder stuff…). Or she wants attention, Thats definitly one way to get it. Maybe she just resents Your father, wanting to take him Down or keeping him by herself, in order to isolate him from the family.
There's a Ton of possible reasons, you will propably never know….
I am BEGGING you to get out while you still can
Fair enough, then I would say just break up with him.
I understand your point but I get hers too. She didn’t want you there and you still showed up like a creep. Not saying that you are a creep but it totally seemed like that to her and she has a right to freak out, especially since it is such a new relationship.
Oh god ?
Sure Jan.
So, whats the problem? You told her to stop texting, so she did. She's respected your request. Problem solved.
He's weak. He likes you broken. Don't waste another second thinking about whatever stupid shit his two functional brain cells manage to dredge up.
None of that is about you, it's about his own narcissistic b-u-l-l-s-h-i-t. Just be aware he'll probably escalate as you start to detach. Read up on narcissist collapse, plan your break up to minimize your exposure.
Quit thinking about this asshole and start prioritizing yourself.
When he says this kind of shit to you, he's just telling you what he really is. Narcs are so stupid that way. lol
Strength is when you don't need to surround yourself with broken to feel strong.
This isn't actually a question about what a guy should do. It's a question about what the girl wants. (I'm going to go with girl's and guys for my comment.)
This situation is so common that it's an actual trope. The old, old, old, wisdom is that a guy should always be positive or lie no matter what a girl asks. But what if the girl is genuinely insecure? She's going to wonder why her boyfriend is ever lying and if he actually thinks she ugly.
What if the girl just wants an honest answer because she needs one in the moment? She won't be able to trust him if she knows he tells white lies.
What if she disagrees with you and feels better if she knows she's always getting an honest answer?
Personally? Over the years I've gotten so sick of this little fight-maker that I just give a two-part answer: I'd rather you were naked, and it doesn't matter because I'm just going to imagine you very hot.
Seriously. It's juvenile and it's even annoying. But I'm being honest and I'm not getting trapped into failing as a fashion critic, which I certainly am not.
What was the promposal kid about?
It’s not easy no but I’m kind of done going down the long line of assumptions and what ifs, she’s got options. My only point is OP doesn’t owe her anything. Im out now
So hear me out….. maybe, just maybe…… stop contacting him . Idk just a thought.
Hey OP – how long will you be on the picture after you get her a green card?
Originally, I was totally okay to go down that path with him as I wanted to support him. He doesn't always drink on our dates and isn't always like this, but about once a month he does something like this and when I discuss how I'm upset, it always ends up being the same fight about how it's not a big deal and it shouldn't matter to me.
During the week, he is great. He goes to work on time with no problem, makes dinner with no problem not drinking, etc. But on the weekends and around his friends are when things typically get out of hand.
Well I don't know all the details of the whole situation or anything but I will say first and foremost priority is your mother's well being. And he cheated and has the audacity to do that in front of your family to basically control your answer is so very wrong of him and shows his low self esteem needing validation for his masculinity but in hide sight he doesn't have any whatsoever. I could keep writing a novel but won't.. so I let you go hope you make the fight decision that's gonna be best for you.