My (27f) boyfriend (24m) makes me the happiest I’ve been. But his dealbreaker is he wants to live! with his mom forever, so I’d have to on-line with both of them if I want to stay with him. And it’s causing huge problems

We’ve been dating for about 6 months now. When we first met it was like a dream. He helped me through a tough situation. He’s always been supportive of me and I feel very comfortable and safe around him. We’ve been pretty serious about each other and have talked about our future plans and goals. We hadn’t really had any fights until this past weekend and things really blew up.

I knew from early on that his plan was to stay living with his mom on their farm and that’s where he wanted to raise a family one day. When I first met and went to his home (about 2 months into dating) things were fine. I could see myself there and a future there. Now things have gotten more complicated. Sometimes his mom can be a little controlling. Like wanting him to quit certain jobs. She freaks out and yells whenever something goes wrong or something doesn’t get done. He’s been working 60-70 hours a week the past month and so he hasn’t had time to do as much around the house. Ever since he started this job, they fight all the time. Any interaction they have is either short or blows up. Idk how to handle this, and as someone who grew up in a very dysfunctional home, yelling and fighting is the last thing I want for my future family to be around. He thinks it’s all his fault. I don’t think he’s completely in the wrong, but he does tend to get a quick temper with her.

His mom and dad got divorced a few years ago, and his parents fought a lot growing up. He says that he feels like he just took his dads place. His mom told him he was like his dad. Now they’re literally arguing like a married couple and it’s a little weird to me. Maybe I’m overreacting though.

We had talked about me moving there when I start back to school this fall. This past weekend, he was talking to me about everything and was super stressed out and upset at his mom. I was just there to support him but of course it was making me feel a little weary about moving there. The next day I mentioned how I found a place for rent near him that was in my budget. He said he couldn’t blame me for not wanting to move in with him anymore. That’s when the whole thing started and I told him how I was feeling. I shouldn’t have been so honest but I feel like it needed to be discussed.

I started by telling him that I felt insecure. He spent a few years across the country and just moved back here last year, I asked why he moved back (I already knew). He said “when my future cheated on me.” He spent years with a girl he wanted to marry across the country, and didn’t move back with his mom until a year after she cheated and left him. I asked why he was going to propose to someone across the country but it was a dealbreaker if I couldn’t live! with him and his mom. He said he’d talked to his ex about moving back here and he thinks that’s why she cheated on him and left. He said he’d stayed a year after they broke up too. Even though he’d just said he moved back because of her, his “future”, so I’m still confused on that.

I told him I felt like a 3rd wheel at his house with his mom, their house would always be theirs, all the decisions id worry id be left out of. Financial things, etc. Like I’d never feel secure because I’d have nothing in my name, and from the way I grew up it’s soo important and necessary for me to know I’ll be okay financially and on my own.

He says he has to help his mom because she doesn’t have a retirement and all she has is the house. I get it. I want more than anything to make sure my mom is okay but I have to make sure I’m okay first. My mom is in the same boat except she won’t have a house. He said what I’m asking him to do isn’t fair. I said I never asked. I know what it would mean if I couldn’t on-line with them, it’d be over. So basically we talked for hours to get no where, it feels like we’re stuck and I have to make this huge decision to leave or try living with him. Or get my own apartment and wait a year to try to move in (probably the best option).

I feel like I’m overthinking this way too much, and I’m creating problems that don’t even exist yet. But I’m so afraid of investing so much of myself into another relationship for it to not work out. I worry if we’re always with his mom, we’re never going to give our relationship a fighting chance.