“I’m your wife not your mom.” Update after I 34M and my wife 32F had a LONG talk

Link to the original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/gpugS38KJe

Hey Everyone,

So, I arranged for the in-laws to have the kids Friday night. Me and the wife sat down and had a talk. A LONG talk, probably one of the deepest and hardest talks we have ever had in our 18 years.

I told her my side, that I felt overwhelmed and underappreciated. That I felt I was doing more than my fair share and that she wasn't. I told her that I could understand that while I may be doing plenty around the house and parenting, that I was guilty of letting her take the majority of the mental load but that still didn't excuse her behaviour.

I felt I was firm but fair and to her credit instead of fighting back she listened.

We discussed her feelings and she admits to not prioritising housework and trying to make the most of her "free time" and agreed that we will sit down and come up with a schedule for cleaning that we are both accountable for.

She told me some issues that I wasn't aware of that her mother had been dealing with since retiring and the passing of her father (wife's grandad). loneliness & depression, issues relating to my SIL ( she's a mess and constant headache). which was why she had been going to see her so much.

Other feelings she had been having about feeling lost in kids, not having anything for herself and some depression related to weight gain since having our second child. She has put on 40-50lbs and no longer feels attractive. I told her that I still think she's beautiful but she doesn't. Hence our DB.

There were hurt feelings and tears from both of us.

So we are taking steps to help.

1. We have both agreed to switch out mornings and evenings. I get the kids up, breakfasts, teeth, dressed and take them to school. She does Dinner, bath, bed etc. the next day we switch. this gives us both some mornings/evenings free to do what we want.

2. We are both joining the gym, I too have put on some weight and lost muscle since our second child. hopefully this helps with her body confidence.

3. We are also arranging with the In-laws to have babysitters once a week for us to start going on regular dates again.( for context the in-laws are our only support, I'm an orphan of abusive parents, raised by my grandmother, now passed.)

4. We have found a cleaning schedule, where you do certain chores throughout the house everyday but pick one room to "deep clean" everyday too. With me doing laundry, dishwasher etc things that take less time. Her doing the deep cleans and general tidying.

5. Most importantly she is looking to get a job part-time so she can start helping financially, give her some income that isn't from me and give her something to focus on outside of being a mom.

As all my wages went into the joint account, I felt like I never had any money as I didn't want to spend and there not be enough to pay the mortgage etc. So I never spent money and resented that she did.

So when she gets a job both incomes are going into the joint account, then we are getting a budget together.

Making sure there is enough to cover direct debits, then dividing the remaining into accounts for savings and personal accounts for each of us to have our own money that we can spend how we want guilt free.

1. I'm going to pick up a hobby that gets me out of the house and commute to the office once a week. One thing we discussed was that I was always at home. I didn't do anything other than work and be at home. So we didn't have a lot to talk about, because I didn't go anywhere.

It also meant that she never got any alone time at home away from me and the kids and she felt like a nuisance being at home while I'm at work.

We took this weekend to spend some time together as a family, took the kids to the park, went to a nature reserve for a picnic and bike rides. Took the kids rock climbing followed by ice-cream. It was really nice and we both feel like a weight has been lifted. it's obviously not going to change overnight and we need to work at it. but we have a plan and both seem to want to put in the effort.

To everyone who gave me good advice, recommended therapy (we can't afford it until she starts work but we are looking for when she does.) commiserated with your own stories or just had a kind word to say. Thank You So Much, there were comments that made me cry and so much insight that I hadn't considered. Thank you.

To those of you who clearly didn't read my post but instead assumed I was entitled and entirely to blame because I used the word "help". Or that I probably didn't know my own children's birthdays and allergies. I feel sorry for you and hope that you get the "help" you so sorely need.