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File a restraining order?
Arguing semantics is a surefire turnoff. What exactly are you trying to communicate?
You aren’t married OP – just break up and move on; let him try fighting you for custody – he likely won’t win since you’re not married and your the mom; sorry to be that point blank about it but in this situation it’s gotten to the point that your bf can either choose you or his father and apparently he’s not strong enough to defend you so pretty sure he’ll just remain a daddy’s boy
There is a difficult period of adjusting to a shared household income where, as a couple, you guys need to figure out what is considered individual property/responsibilities and what is shared.
Personally, I’d try the separate finances for a while. Perhaps sit fiancé down and ask if you both can use this as an opportunity to explore what your goals are as a couple looking to start a new chapter in your lives (as married spouses) and where that balance is. What do you both consider to be shared expenses and what do you both consider to be personal expenses. That will help you both figure out a financial system that works best for everyone, as a couple and as individuals. An example is the car: it sounds like you viewed that as a personal expense but she might have viewed it as a shared expense. She needed car, did research and found one she liked, and bought it because she, well, needed a car.
My partner and I have separate bank accounts as well as a shared savings account. He makes roughly 5x what I make (part time to take care of kids). But we’ve never felt there is an imbalance as we discuss our financial goals and plan accordingly. We prioritize “our” goals first – family vacations, must-haves, savings, major purchases, etc. We then talk about personal wants and what that would mean financially and how do we save for it together. This helps prioritize as well as keeps communication open so that we both feel supported. The separate accounts have also helped us better budget, so that each of us is responsible for certain expenses and helps us save more as well.
Another suggestion is to reflect on why you felt defensive over her purchase so much so that you felt the need to differentiate “her car” vs “our car”. What exactly bothered you SO much about a simple phrase that caused this to be the line in the sand. Once you dig deep enough to better understand that motive, you’ll be able to frame the conversation in a way that’s productive for the both of you. And by that I mean you might not necessarily come out of that conversation as a couple but at least you’ll better understand what you are looking for in a relationship and so will she.
When did he pay for it? I missed that part
Definitely not babe, he’s only doing this because he called your bluff and you were fine with the breakup. He didn’t magically change his mind about something he fundamentally believes in. If you accepted, he would be showering you with love and attention for a while until you either do something else he doesn’t like or he thinks it’s safe enough to stop trying to fix the relationship and he’ll go right back to being rude.
I’m not into separate finances. That’s all I have to say.
She wants a divorce period. That was just her excuse in the moment. Give her what she wants.
The problem is that I don’t know if he cares about me or not. That’s why I had to leave because I felt he didn’t and I was disrespecting myself by staying. He was very low effort and didn’t really prioritise me but he did message/call everyday. So that was one positive. It was lots mixed signals very hot and cold from him.
You might think it’s normal to delete without reading, but take me as an example.
If I don’t want to reply to somebody I’ll still read it, I won’t delete it before reading. He might be the same
I wouldn’t be there when he got home.
Have you asked out another women’s friend after said women rejected you for 6 months?
We debated about it together. I never discouraged his beliefs nor told him he was wrong, I was simply providing him with the knowledge and facts about oppression in our society. He has had his own experience and his own beliefs, im not denying his experience, im simply stating how America does not have equal opportunity. For you to try and belittle me about my knowledge and my experience off of one post is absurd. I provided barely any background information about the degree of our debate. To call me racist and entitled because I explained to my boyfriend about gender inequalities, systemic oppression and new government policies that he was unaware of prior is absurd. The point of my post was to ask how people in relationships with differing political views make their relationships work. That’s all.
That is just low self-esteem and low self worth talking. Therapy will help. Hobbies and self-improvement might be a good thing. You are worth more than your current circumstances. You got this.
What a selfish bitchy lunatic.
HE HAD NOT MET HER BEFORE THAT NIGHT. she was not the second choice. Babe you have become the second choice and now you are bothered
Like just because you’re sorry or you want to smooth things over you need to accept that she should actually do what she’s doing. It’s the smart thing for her.
Not to be mean but maybe you come across as too needy to men and it starts to turn them off, maybe some self reflection would help.
Yep…she really needs to get over herself. I very rarely finish at that time and shes not the one who has to work so late so she won't get it
This is good advice.
I would add, at around 4 months people are often starting to develop strong emotions for each other. She may well have been having strong feelings for you in that moment amd wanted some reassuring.
It doesn't have to be a red flag unless it becomes a pattern of behavior.
Should I be worried? How do I handle this? Does the girl sound crazy? Does it seem my bf likes crazy?
Why are you interested in dating a cheater? You're not even a year in, and he's disrespected you the whole time, he put your health in danger.
yes!! i’ve gotten this comment a lot and i think it’s a great idea, i’ll suggest the idea to him
Thank you to those who responded! We are now officially in a relationship. Phew!! It was a good convo. Very sweet. I think we both truly adore each other & it seems like he might have been afraid.
Pack your stuff and go. He’s got an attitude? I guess he feels you should wait for him while he hangs out with his family that hates you. Honey no. Please go,
Of course. Finding compatibility in all the areas that are important to me is quite the task. That’s what dating is for….
But just because something is not common doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be held out for.
I already did the settling thing and it killed my soul. Still trying to heal from that.
It’s terrible but I just feel guilty telling the wife. I’ve know her for just as long as my wife (probably longer) and her baby boy is literally weeks old. From an outside perspective I would be like “wtf what is wrong with this guy?” But now that I find myself in the situation idk I feel stuck.
Your “boyfriend” not defending you and being vocal about his family's disrespect is alllll you need to know. Spend the rest of his birthday moving out. You deserve way better.
Well, this doesn't seem suspicious at all!! /s
You got an answer then. It is unfortunate man.
You are super young, you will find someone who matches your values in a relationship.
Good luck mate.
Good. I know this is very hot, but that’s the right call.
Your asshole boyfriend is the big problem here, not his asshole family.
Thank you for saying this! If I told my husband he could fuck somebody else he'd think i wanted a divorce but was too childish to just say that. Or that i had somebody else on the side already and was guilty . It would never be like “oh sweet ok let me get this search going!”
Thank you for saying this! If I told my husband he could fuck somebody else he'd think i wanted a divorce but was too childish to just say that. Or that i had somebody else on the side already and was guilty . It would never be like “oh sweet ok let me get this search going!”
Thank you for saying this! If I told my husband he could fuck somebody else he'd think i wanted a divorce but was too childish to just say that. Or that i had somebody else on the side already and was guilty . It would never be like “oh sweet ok let me get this search going!”
You owe it to yourself respect to say no, or to make her know she wont be your girlfriend…. Just a friend with benefits.
Don't feel bad, that shit runs deep! But just know all of us on-line strangers can see you are a kind person who DOES NOT deserve this treatment.
This is not a problem with his family but with your boyfriend. What is wrong with your boyfriend that he accepts and obvioulsy even supports his families disrespect? Why doesn't a 36 years old guy speak up and rips his family a new one when they are rude to you? Why does he rather go to celebrate his brithday with his family then with you?
It's time to consider if this is really the man you want to be with – and to finally tell him that you won't accept his behaviour anymore.
He would rather sleep than do those parenting classes
I probably won’t
Teenagers are fucking annoying.
Break up,
You got sick, and he wouldn't leave a party to go with you.
He then slept with a girl.
then went out with her and slept with her again.
That's three strikes. How many does he get? He's not worth it.
no advice, just want to say i want my awakening to come. your new life sounds awesome (minus the naggy husband of course)
IMHO the age gap, and the lie that “shrank” it, is a warning but not a red alert. It's part of the beat-the-filter game, as familiar to job seekers as to dating-app users. The game has any number of men adding an inch or two to their height, and older women taking a year or two off their age. Whether the relationship suffers because of the gap is what matters.
Thank you for the advice lovely I ended things 🙂
You know what’s even more of a special kind of stupid? Thinking that your boyfriend who makes the same as you and has more assets than you actually would be with you for your money. It’s pretty obviously a joke, and the fact that she can’t realize SHE is the one with less money in the relationship so obviously he isn’t with her for money, just goes to show that she isn’t ready for a serious relationship yet.
You know what’s even more of a special kind of stupid? Thinking that your boyfriend who makes the same as you and has more assets than you actually would be with you for your money. It’s pretty obviously a joke, and the fact that she can’t realize SHE is the one with less money in the relationship so obviously he isn’t with her for money, just goes to show that she isn’t ready for a serious relationship yet.
I'm forgetful in the same way. Cracks my husband up when I say the wrong age. Appointments, reminders to take pills, etc all get put in my phone or they don't exist. They just don't fully register in my brain as something important enough to remember.
Get another job or if you can’t minimize all contact you can with the Boss
I stayed home and only cooked because I was resentful of society and scared of rejectio
What?? This is just weird.
In your husband’s mind, he now has you trapped and can treat you like dirt and his maid. It’s sadly a common story where the happy ending is divorce.
Yup, he just says he doesn’t feel turned on anymore ?
Usually happens to one or other partner when you’ve been together this long, usually the guy, would suggest a sex therapist, just talking about it isn’t gonna fix anything, to him your sexual challenge and mystique has gone and it’s very hot to get that back
He is correct
You're married to an evil toddler. I'm sorry.
It's a new relationship. He's not your bf anymore. No one who cares for someone disappears for a week. He didn't really love you.
Time to move on. No need to contact him.
Thanks, I just can’t seem to shake feeling like I did and what I did was terrible
Tbh she's probably a wonderful person but she has bought into that anti-white thing that is parasitic at this point.
If she is the type of person who will hear you out and let you explain how you are none of those things, then she's worth fighting for.
If she will backlash on literally anything because you happen to be white, then it's not worth your time and you should move on.
This is a tough one with no good completely great outcomes for everyone. No matter what, someone loses out.
I give your wife props because I’d have probably bailed on the relationship. You (inadvertently) lied about not having a kid. Now our kid isn’t your first born anymore and you’re going to France to spend time with your other family. Great. I’d totally be down for that /s
I think you should move and start fresh in a less toxic environment where it’s not going to be a big deal that her husband had a secret love child who lives with her. And so that the kid doesn’t have to pretend to be some stranger living with you, that’s absurd. But I get why she said it. She wanted her life to remain as it was and not be looked down on or pitied.
Maybe it is a medical thing. Some women have a very sensitive gag reflex. I'm sure she wants to do whatever she can to make you happy, but if it's not making her happy why would you want to put her through that?
Say what you mean and mean what you say. You have already thrown down the gauntlet. Those words can only be taken back if you want to place yourself in a weakened position in this relationship. You can't keep moving your boundary line out of fear. So, either stand by your ultimatum or don't.
I truly believe your boundaries are completely justified. It's understandable that you don't trust that other girl, especially if she's going to be getting drunk. You say that you trust your BF. Ok,great. What if he gets totally sloshed? Pretty sure she's just waiting for that to happen. Zero doubts she'll pounce the moment his guard is impaired.
Have you considered therapy?
To be fair, I partly agree that your SIL should have had this conversation before. It's bizarre to come out with your partner in hand, knowing that your parents are probably bigots.
SIL should have talked to them. They would have had their meltdown. And then your SIL should go no contact and live! her life without this bigotry.
I get what your Husband means. But if there's deeper homophobia, then that's quite irreconcilable.
People don’t go to Taco Bell because it’s “Mexican Food.” They go because it’s Taco Bell. Panda Express isn’t “Chinese Food.” It’s Panda Express. It’s fast food.
Your girlfriend is ridiculous.
Don’t hang out with Karla anymore. You and your boyfriend can make a choice to not go to things she is invited to. If you want to hang out with your friends, make some plans and invite the people that you do want to hang out with.
If your friends are real, good friends you will not ruin the friend group dynamic by setting boundaries and declining to spend time with someone who touches him non-consensually, and who is overtly and persistently rude to you. Honestly, she sounds terrible, and I bet some of your friends are grossed out by her behavior, but also don’t feel like they can speak up.
I would recommend checking out the geek, social fallacies, and Captain Awkward for detailed scripts on how to navigate this kind of situation.
She’s not ready to be in a committed relationship. The only real choice you have in this is to stay or go.
i’m not usually one to immediately jump on the “leave your SO” train on this sub, but…
leave your SO
I agree but I don’t know how to bring up a conversation like that without it sounding like I’m trying to ask for sexual intimacy. Of course if he wants time then I’ll gladly give him all the time in the world. He’s very kind to me and my feelings won’t change. But I don’t want to ask and make him feel pressured. And I don’t know how to ask without being obvious on what I mean. My friend she said she thinks he’s too nervous. She said he probably thinks because of my looks, that I’m more “experienced” and he feels he’ll be bad. Which first of course I really don’t have much experience. I’m a fairly shy person and it’s really very hot for me to be comfortable with someone. And I found someone, him. But I don’t know how to communicate that to him without sounding weird or that I’m just overthinking.
Only if you dont use protection, which they did so no?
This is my nightmare. I don't want kids. I would literally rather die than have a child. The thought of living with one disgusts me. The thought of carrying one makes me cringe. It's at the point where even seeing a pregnant lady grosses me out (sorry ladies, nothing personal at all).
That said, I love kids. I love nieces and nephews. I like babysitting. I like playing, I like how weird they are, I like watching kids movies. I am great with kids, they love me. My boyfriend comments on that sometimes, he likes how I am with his niblings, and it scares me, I'm so worried he will change his mind (though he assures me that won't happen).
Kids aren't something you can compromise on. Sleep on it, for a while, be 1000000% sure before you bring it up. Because if my bf said that to me, instant dealbreaker and he could never take it back.
I do not know if he is ok, I’m also quite an anxious person too, those thoughts have gone through my head too, especially seen as he ended our last phone call with. “I’ll speak to you later, I love you bye” so my brain has thought a million different things
Since our boy was born my husband started treating me like I’m a child
It sounds like your husband is angry because he's feeling neglected compared to the time you spend with your son. Are you carving out an appropriate amount of time for just the two of you?
Regardless, being insulting, demanding, dismissive is no way to treat your significant other.
Ask your husband if he thinks you don't spend enough time with him. If he says that's NOT the problem, then tell him you both need to attend couples counseling. If he refuses to do that, then see a divorce attorney because you cannot raise a child in such an ugly, hateful, unhealthy environment! Better two happy homes with single parents than one miserable home and an intact family.
Okay cool
Sounds like she’s a waste of time
Seriously, he doesn’t plan then complains? He needs to do some growing up.
Okay, you are both busy with school, so you need to implement a standard busy people tactic.
Scheduled Date Time:
Sit down with your BF when you are both calm, and pick an afternoon/evening that will be date time: can be once a week, twice a month, etc – just agree on a schedule. Next, agree on a budget for dates. Then you alternate planning, one date you are responsible for , the next he is. The planner is responsible for all reservations, transport arrangements, paying. The non-planner has to do what the planner wants, but if you have no-go activities or want vetoes – now is the time to do so. Maybe you want to do one outside activity a month, one home date then alternate planning on those. All that is negotiable, you want to create a schedule you both are good with, and then his dates are up to him to plan and you go along, and your dates are up to you to plan and he goes along, and no whining about what each other chooses. Discuss your expectations.
Well No.
You oay for your school and stuff, and you make him pay for his, if he don't have the savings then that us his issue.
If she truly feels like this, I am glad she was able to leave as well. It would break my heart for her to be with me if it made her miserable. I just want what is best for both her and our children. Thanks for your response.
Don’t wake people up at 4am because they’re not kissing you. They’re sleeping. You knew you were annoying so why are you surprised that he’s annoyed?
And your timeline makes no sense btw.
Your broth control (if its the pill) is effective within seven days, so you should be fine in that front. You have plan b just in case and there's very very little chance you get pregnant (believe me, I had my share of pregnancy scares on the pill and I have looked up more often than necessary when and how it works)
And block him. You can always unblock him if you do get pregnant, even though you don't seem like you would want to keep the baby so he doesn't really need to know.
While you should be fine on the pregnancy front what he did was not okay, that required your consent and you should never let him close enough to you to attempt to do that again.
Since you saw a notification for a dating app, maybe get tested for Stds just in case, who knows who this guy is sleeping with without protection
You will continue to feel insecure until your partner put in months and months of effort into making you feel secure.
It's not uncommon to have your partner with you for support when coming out to your parents.
She was likely drugged, she went to the hospital, her injuries were consistent with sexual assault, she filed a police report, she got a rape kit done. She did everything right- she probably asked you to leave because sexual assault is traumatising, humiliating and she didn't want you to see her like that.
Tbh she deserves better than someone who will victim blame her, the people who are saying to break up with her might be onto something. Just try not to traumatise her further when you do so.
Tell him about the dashcam. And let him decide what to do. You are being selfish, if you love him and you see and know this is making him feel like shit, at least have the decency to tell him the truth.
It's the least you could do. And seek therapy, now, not IN A FEE WEEKS because then you will NOT go.
I was going to ask this as well. Imo if you follow or interact with a lot of accounts like this, it does complicate what’s acceptable.
You can inquire if she feels isolated or trapped, not sure why that would be out of the norm of friends chatting. Throw in the 'hey are you alright? you can tell me if it's not'.
Beyond that, it's her marriage, her kid, her life. Not really your call how she decides to live! it.
An adopted child at the end of the day will still be her child. A stepchild much less so especially if the other bio parent is still in the picture which this does sound like is happening.
U need to have a discussion about boundaries now. Or else this will be a dealbreaker in the future.
No way shoukd you ever have to put up with this.
I am in a relationship where my amazing girlfriend has some mental health issues and sometimes gets a little defensive to avoid dealing with issues. It seems your partner is doing something similar. To make him understand you could ask him to talk to his friends or other family about this situation. I'm sure if he genuinely talked to somebody else, they would also agree with your position and how it's inappropriate for a couple I your position to essentially start looking after his family.
She absolutely does not want what’s best for your kids. I’m a middle aged woman and work with kids and have also been through divorce and shared custody. What she’s doing is wrong for the kids and selfish. Get your own lawyer asap!!!
My partner and I have differing views on many things including political leanings.
We tend to talk about specific issues rather than political figures and generally we agree, but we don't always and that's not a requirement.
Our relationship isn't built on mutual agreement in all things.
Bear in mind I'm not in the US so it's not a Trump/ non-trump type situation.
So I would say don’t meet up with her. It does in fact open old wounds. I would continue to work on yourself. I was around your age my my ex of four and half years broke up. It was an extremely very hot time for me. I took time to heal and worked on myself. I did wait two and a half years before I started dating again which I do regret now looking back a decade later but hindsight is always 20/20. I am now married and much happier then I ever was in that relationship. Stay strong.
Exactly, it's the whole “you're the only one responsible for your feelings” shit and calling people iNsEcUrE when their partner is disrespecting the relationship by being friends with someone who gives you reasons to distrust them
A fight, loitering in the parking lot knbuour wedding dress, stealing the gifts, chasing a groomsman, abandoning the bride…. what in the hillbilly hell?
You’re trolling, right? There’s no chance this is real.
You made the right decision. Life is way too short to ever give a cheater a second chance. In most cases, people who cheat do so because of a character flaw.
Meaning, you were not the cause of any of this. Even if you had been a better boyfriend, it was inevitable that she was going to cheat at some point, because her moral compass is broken.
Thats what she ment, “bride or nothing” that f**ing means. Equals to “bride more than wife”. So stop telling me this is not she ment.
Sounds like you have a superiority complex
Worry about yourself. Now that you’ve decided to get a therapist, when are you going to do it?
Stop bringing it up, let it go. She is uncomfortable and by you bringing it up, you are pressuring her into it. That’s wrong. That’s the advice others are giving as well. Don’t talk about it any more and don’t post any more very hot pics of her.
Stop bringing it up, let it go. She is uncomfortable and by you bringing it up, you are pressuring her into it. That’s wrong. That’s the advice others are giving as well. Don’t talk about it any more and don’t post any more very hot pics of her.
This is kind of complicated but at the same time not really. Your girlfriend has an apparent problem that her parents seem to enable seeing as they send her ridiculous amounts of money for her to spend. And I agree, they're family money and they can be spent however she and her parents see fit and you're in no way entitled to them nor is she necessarily entitled to use them for that downpayment you've been planning. But her priorities are very clear. She would rather buy overly expensive watches instead of investing that money toward your mutual future. And she never came clean on her own, did she? She confessed after you saw the bills. Again, that money is her own and she can do whatever she wants with them but this is the kind of future you're setting yourself up for if you marry her. Even if her parents leave all the money to her, the money will eventually be spent if she just takes and takes. Even if you keep your finances separate, she's gonna have trouble contributing for things you agree to pay 50-50 because she would have likely already spent it all instead of saving. Maybe suggest therapy and try to work things out with a professional but I personally would put the next step (marriage) on hold for now.
I feel for the dogs. I feel for you.
I’d book some couples counseling because he needs to understand just how bad this is making the relationship and that you’re literally considering —while not intending to follow through—divorce!
I have dogs. I do rescue/rehab in collaboration with the local shelter and take the doggos that need behavioral training before they can be rehomed. So many of the owner surrenders are for things like this. Which are preventable if someone just gave a shit.
Like….he knows the dog gets in the garbage. So why is the garbage somewhere the dog can get into? And of course the dog can’t make it outside when they have explosive diarrhea. But why isn’t he giving it fortiflora and pumpkin and such? Why isn’t he cleaning up properly? Why is the dog getting regular food and perpetuating the loose stools?
As for the peeing dog, that’s typically a response you get from a dog that is very submissive. There is training you could do for that plus I’d put a belly band on it if male or a diaper if female.
I dunno. Seems to me that your husband is behaving like a dumb kid not a 40YO man. And that part of the reason he dated and married someone so much younger than him is because he knew no one his age would put up with shit like this—pun intended.
We have a new pup. My partner wanted a dog of his own. Cool. Whatever, but when I explained what that would look like and how much work it will be overall (more for me as I WFH) he blew it off. Now he’s all “JFC what was I thinking?” And I gently shove him out the door when he gets home to go play with his dog. Don’t care if you’re tired buddy, your puppy isn’t. Get on it. ?♀️
Thats reason to not interact with his extended family, not put hundreds of miles between OP and his kids. He can't control what his family thinks, only how he interacts with them.
Why not just ask her out?
Hopefully you’ve taught him something valuable for his next relationship, but it shouldn’t be with you.
You will never get your wedding night back. He prioritized the thoughts of a friend over his newlywed wife.
There’s no coming back from that. Especially if he doesn’t see anything wrong with what he did. What is he going to do next? Abandon you on your birthday because his friends think it’s too immature of you to celebrate? Abandon you at the hospital giving birth because it’s cringe to see?
She is your daughter. You have an obligation to get to know her and take care of her. Your ex tried to do you a huge nice favor by letting your life go on. Your wife and you need to sit down and have a conversation. Your picture perfect vision is not what is happening anymore. Maybe you have one kid for now and another a few years down the road. None of us have lives that worked out exactly as expected. I’m sorry but you have a responsibility and everyone telling you that you have a choice is wrong. Step up. Do what’s right for the kid.
Does she still hang with those friends?
She says she prefers without a condom, and that we were having sex without protection for so long already.
I’ll be honest, if someone got on me about my weight when I hadn’t had a kid already, I’d assume that they’d not like my body after pregnancy. And I’d be very hot pressed to have sex.
And getting pregnant at 36 plus wouldn’t be my idea of a good time.
I think its precious how some men want a child but don’t consider all of the impacts having children has on a woman. Physical changes and permanent impacts due to pregnancy and birth, loss of lifetime earning potential and career advancement, ending up being the primary parent while their partner only participated for the fun stuff….
You two need couples counseling if either of you want to continue this relationship.
it’s like buddy the elf
Not based on what the OP says. Is there more context in a comment or reply from OP that I haven't seen?
Those only appear when they story is on the other side. “It's her past”.
That’s why you get it all written in the divorce judgement.
Your wife has decided that she wants the 10 year marriage to end, plans to agree with you to retain primary custody of her children and move away with them. As far as marriage ambitions go, the two of you are no longer compatible. The marriage is over and she will not change her mind. Do not try to persuade, plead or threaten her into changing her decision. Doing so will only antagonise her and give her lawyers grounds for branding you uncooperative or something a lot worse.
Focus on getting amicably divorced this year so that the two of you can calmly coparent your children together with minimal disruption and distress to the children. So that they will be able to have a happy childhood where they retain a positive relationship with both their parents, no matter where they are living or which parent mostly has physical custody.
Make an appointment to see a specialist local lawyer with a lot of experience in divorce cases where young children are involved. Frankly discuss your ambitions, finances and the options that you are open to considering as regards child support, custody and asset division.
Good luck!
Why is it transphobic that trans people can be liars aswell?
Welcome to Reddit and the general interweb! How can we help you further?
Though it also sounds like they have the cash to hire whatever support they need – they adopted children, so it's not like they wound up with 4 kids by accident.
Nope. We are just seeing each other casually, so I don’t mind him talking about other women, but going on about my best friend very hot after I had just told him she’s the only one that weirdly enough gets me jealous made me really.. sad
People think it’s fake because they feel emotionally invalidated by the story in the post. They think it’s transphobic but really it’s a story on how 1 person decided to hide something from his partner and how OP told that partner anyways. Idk how the actions of one person represent a community they don’t. I know plenty of great trans people
But she’s not. She helps, but nowhere does it say that he is not functional at all without her. Not everyone on disability is paralyzed or wheelchair-bound. There are successful people who are “disabled”. The amount of projection here is batshit.
So why are you still here?
You mean speaking flippantly about weathermen? Yeah, they always do that.
Why haven’t you introduced her to your son? Where has your son been staying this past month?
In a perfect world you wouldn’t have another child that your wife only found out about a month ago. You need to decide what is important to you. Your wife is putting your children first and protecting them. She doesn’t want your addict ex having access to your house and your children you have with her.
Sometimes you say things you just cannot take back. And sometimes despite years of counseling they cannot be forgotten. Words can really change things and cause a ton of hurt, that's why we need to chose them wisely.
You’re dumb.
It is completely unnecessary for someone to stalk you (which is what you are both doing to each other). No one needs to know down to the second where you are 24/7.
You actually explicitly demonstrated the opposite.
I only wish you all the best so please take this advice from that angle: if you do indeed have “a lot of shit to work out” the worst thing you can do is move in together. That “shit” may only get worse. I don’t mean to break up the relationship, just tread carefully when deciding to live! together. Issues will not miraculously disappear when you share the same roof.
If you are an “anxious” person, perhaps your anxiety rubs off on her? Maybe she needs to find ways of dealing with her own anxiety/issues without worrying about yours as well.
Ok but I can’t think of one reason that would invalidate her story.
Be honest to friends and family as you don't him anything.
She should consider working and getting her work to pay for a masters, down the line. Great way to build two-way loyalty.
I think those are their ages when they got together.
Never compare yourself to rumours. It is completely meaningless.
She’s not even employed. Tech isn’t exactly doing well, especially the FANG companies.
So just let her say what she wants until reality sorts her out.
Yeah… if you’re a man looking for that type of wife, leave me the fuck alone (but don’t bother going elsewhere bc they don’t want you either)
She's getting out of the relationship because she didn't sign up to be a step mom. She's moving across the country specifically because it's where her parents and family all live!, and she wants to be near a support network now that she's going to be an unmarried mom of four with an ex that both has a disability that can get in the way of being a caretaker as well as a brand son who is going to be dealing with some heavy trauma, and therefore is not exactly going to be a “support network” himself.
Not saying it's the best decision, but I wouldn't call it suspicious or weird either.
(OP only talked about her family/the support network aspect in comments)
What am I doing wrong? My past relationship was loveless and abusive and I wasn't a priority for my ex and it triggers me thinking that I may not be a priority for my fiancé.
What I strongly suggest that you do, once you end this relationship, is to explore with a therapist your history in order to give you the best emotional tools going forward for you future relationships.
It's kind of like sex. If you want to do it with me for more than 20 minutes, you better be okay with me watching television at the same time.
What if I was but am not currently a murderer?
Leave that little boy to live! with his momma.Hes delusional and you're not. Get your own place and find a real partner who is loving and supportive, both emotionally and financially.Your boyfriend will never get there, tell him to move out n move on.
My biggest question for her would be why does she care so much to maintain the relationship with her ex? What does she gain from it that she feels she can't get from anyone else? And why does she think it's unreasonable for you to insist that she can't talk to him? Has she given any reasons or tried to communicate her perspective in a way that offers a reasonable explanation?
Is there a history of you asking her to cut contact with people? Do you set these rules often? Does she tend to feel like you overstep and are too controlling? I just want more context to understand why she's choosing to make this a sticking point. Sometimes people who feel like their partner sets too many rules will hit a breaking point and choose to push back if they've been acquiescing too frequently for their comfort.
Imo the biggest issue here is that she agreed to cut contact and then didn't. If she felt like your request was unreasonable she should have talked it out more and communicated about it more rather than agree to something she had no intention of following through with.
And secondly if her communication with her ex comes at the expense of communicating with you. That is definitely a major red flag. It's one thing to have an ex of a decade ago reach out to make amends or catch up over the phone. But the fact that this has been consistent for 3 months to the point that it's affecting your ability to communicate with her crosses a major line.
And if she knows that her choice to stay in touch means she risks losing you, that's also saying a lot.
There is zero logic here. Having sex with him means you can trust him around you, that shouldn’t automatically cover your child.
My partner is a talker. He'll want to launch into long explanations of things, and at some point I learned to say, “hey, can you give me the short version of this, because you're gonna lose me in a bit” or do the T sign with my hands. Or he'll want to talk first thing in the morning and I'll say “I'm not available to talk about this now. I need some quiet time. Can we talk about this later?” The expectation that you'll always be avqailable for someone to dump their brains on you, just because you're partnered, isn't reasonable.
Give it a few more hours to “digest” what happened and weigh if you can get over the hiccup or not. I’m not going to tell you what to do, because you need to decide what you want and how to think/ analyze your feelings. I want you to just think about some stuff: do you think he really understands your feelings in this that it won’t happen again? Do you think his apology was sincere? Do you think he had good intentions or was he trying to change something about you that you feel is a core part about you?
Give it an hour. Take some space and make sure to tell him you need some time away (no more texting for the night and you’ll text or call when you’re feeling less upset). Take another hour and check how you feel. If you are still angry after 4-5 hours, this might not be an “easy” thing to get over and maybe this relationship needs to be evaluated more. If you feel ok, you think he understands and this wouldn’t happen again, just take this as a test in how strong your relationship is.
For anyone reading this batshit bad parenting post, OP plans to yank her kid out of school for a week and a half to stay with his parental grandparents. While she gets smashed with her friends in Jamaica.
Start visiting your daughter alone and introduce your wife after a few visits.
Find a individual counselor for her and maybe a family counselor.
Plan for her move by searching for great schools in your district etc.
Be the best father you can be. It will be very hot at first but I believe it will be totally worth it.
Eta Spelling
We’re both 2 years apart from eachother and got together when we were both teenagers. Obviously not getting with a teenager as I’m now 21, ew lol.
It’s going to be very very hot, physically and emotionally.
Yes you do. Nothing wrong with having limitations.
You seem to have an inability to think for one's self. We have 10's of thousands of photographs and the bulk of Metadata does not change with copying. Amber Heard got massacred by Metadata.
None of my photos have ever given me a false date. Wether they’re uploaded from the cloud or not. Tell her you don’t care about that and asked her a question. If I were you- if she says no, that should tell you enough. It’s not an old video. And her lie sounds stupid.
It will be difficult, yes. But it sounds like you have personal, first-hand experience with what it’s like to be a child surrounded by unhealthy relationships. I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation, but now it’s time to do what’s right for you and your child. Best of luck to you both!
If she doesn’t know why she did it, she isn’t going to know why next time she does it.
For all your insistence that she’s not like that, the empirical evidence is that she is.
OP TALK TO A LAWYER. Don’t take any one’s advice on here that isn’t TALK TO A LAWYER. Don’t wait for him to file. Talk to a lawyer. Don’t draw out the divorce. Talk to a lawyer. There is going to be a TON of debt after his cancer treatments, and you deserve to come out on top after he cheated. I’m so sorry this is happening to you, OP. I hope you find peace soon.
I’m not up in arms, I’m having a lovely time! No one here has disagreed that she should speak to a lawyer, dear.
OP I’ve got a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn, are you interested? Just ignore the time stamps
esp if he was a creepy old dude who took advantage of a naive young woman idk i think i would say that i survived a dangerous relationship with someone who threatened me but don’t want to go into detail about it and i want to leave it in the past
I don’t really see an issue with how you describe this girl…she seems fine and like she isn’t being inappropriate
Terrible advice. He's obviously doing this intentionally. The only reason someone would laugh in that situation is to degrade someone and make them feel small.
He’s feeling more of the burden. He wants what help he can get.
Have you spoken to your uni? Hardship is not an uncommon thing and they can offer some help.
Stop making excuses no matter what he tells you when he comes back if he goes IT MAY NEVER BE THE TRUTH. If you can’t trust him to go, can’t trust Him around the girl, and can’t trust the girl in general? Yeah there’s a fucking problem here. He knows she openly disrespects u and that’s still his friend, would u wanna be a in a relationship where your boyfriend disrespects your relationship by going somewhere with someone he knows doesn’t like you and tried to initiate certain acts with him? You need to put your foot down and stop saying what you won’t do cause it’s time for you to pick, stay in a relationship where your trusts for the guy is slowly draining and will continue to drain because he went on a trip with that girl, OR you move on and find someone else who wouldn’t put you in this position to not trust him. There’s no way your coming out of this situation without your feelings hurt however for one the bandaid is off quick the other will sting while you continue to stay. MAKE YOUR CHOICE and MAKE THE RIGHT ONE. You don’t come out of this unscathed but at-least you can heal your wounds if you make the right choice.
Don't you realize she suffers from “derealization”? (jk)
Google: “Derealization is a mental state where you feel detached from your surroundings. People and objects around you may seem unreal. Even so, you're aware that this altered state isn't normal. More than half of all people may have this disconnection from reality once in their lifetime.”
Unfortunately for this chick, it happens all the time and I'm guessing it will for the rest of her life.
It is possible for habitual cheaters to change their behavior with therapy, but it ultimately depends on the individual and their willingness to change. While some people may be able to address underlying issues through therapy and develop healthier relationship patterns, others may continue to struggle with infidelity despite therapy.
It's important to consider that therapy can be a powerful tool for personal growth and change, but it's not a guarantee that someone will change their behavior. Additionally, two years may not be enough time for someone to fully address and overcome deep-seated issues that led to infidelity in the past.
Ultimately, it's up to you to decide whether you're comfortable entering a relationship with someone who has a history of infidelity, even if they claim to have worked through their issues in therapy. It's important to trust your instincts and prioritize your own emotional well-being in any relationship.
That's unreasonable. It's not how a healthy relationship functions. Don't let the 8 years dominate your decision. 6 months or 8 years, he's wack.
This is a relationship advice subreddit, not for you to promote your stupid tiktoks.
Ever since I started this job in early 2022, she's had this hang up about this co-worker of mine. Of my co-workers, she's the one I like dealing with the most. I like that she cuts through the bullshit, has a sense of humor, and tries to be helpful and find solutions. That's what I told my wife after a few months of working at this place, just that I like this girl's style( as in how she does her job) & approach.
Stop bullshitting yourself and your wife. You are obviously attracted to this woman and your wife is smart enough to sense it. Don't go on the trip. Better yet, change jobs and try to be more professional.
You ask, plain and simple than there's no questioning their intentions
Actually if you are going to break like that you probably don’t really love him or you would find a way to stay together
This post was like getting punched in the gut with every sentence. Don't marry this guy, run.
Thanks bot
Yeah anytime I say he’s gaslighting, he automatically says that I’m the gaslighter for using the word? Ugh it’s very draining…
I think it would have been dealt with sooner but Covid happened and we had 2 years of serious lockdowns, some of the strictest in the world. So leaving or getting help was out of the question.
Apathy is the right word for his views. And I am the opposite of that…I want to on-line and smile and laugh.
I guess i have to accept and move on. Time to get a better job so I can support us by myself. The kids haven't seen him since we moved but I would like to see ifbhe could spend an hour a week and take my daughter out to do something, even walk the dogs. I thinknit is good for kids to have an ok relationship with both parents, I don't want her feeling abandoned.
You have a lot of growing up to do.
At least he’s not your husband
This is when you know it's time to leave. You deserve better, you know that right?
That's rather a complex set of circumstances. It doesn't seem that your bf is simply jealous over nothing, and yet, the “something” has been addressed to a somewhat reasonable extent.
The way you described the friend who caught feelings for you suggest the nature of a man with integrity and good morals, which is key here, because if you described him instead as someone who hid those feelings and tried to win you over secretly instead, I may be fully in favor of your bf. But as it stands, this may be the best version of this scenario for you.
The trouble is, while your bf's feelings are understandable, his approach is NOT sustainable. Say you cave in and ditch this friend group. Then you find another friend group, spend years getting close to them, and finally, years later, one of them accidentally catches feelings for you. What then? New friend group? New country? There has to be a limit on this approach to unrequited feelings. Especially when the person who's expressed the feelings has not shown malice, manipulation or ill intent.
There is also an aspect that your bf may not be aware of. Why is he afraid or concerned of you being around this friend who supposedly had feelings for you? Does he think that you're so easy to influence that anyone who bats their eyelashes at you can break the two of you up? It's important that he examines this question in his head, he hasn't already. Because there will ALWAYS be some sort of “temptation”, or some external person or factor that may wish to come between you and him, but if you're both solid in your love and trust for each other, it should count as mere annoyance at best, and not a legitimate fear.
It's difficult to say what the solution is, here. But I can promise you that it's never as simple as “just ditch them and start over”. I would encourage you to talk to him and explore where his fears over this matter stem from, and examine if there are any underlying insecurities that need to be addressed. Because this scenario, sadly, will absolutely occur to you more than once in your life.
So I am guessing he has already banned you from eating anything non vegan in your own home. Seems like that was a line you didn’t even notice.
You have been together a year. Ask him. Not strangers. It’s a fair question. My guess is that he thinks it’s obvious that you are his girlfriend.
Why don't you ask him?
lol! You could have gotten into an accident because of a man child.
Always choose yourself. Work 24 hours? Take care of yourself. Sleep. East. Pack everyone else.
How old is the Daddy? Old enough to not be a problem much longer?
Oh boy. That was a stupid comment to make. “The standard” is the reason why so many girls and women feel so terribly about themselves and you literally just reinforced that within her.
And then you tell her that her stomach was a turn off to you? And you somehow expect this not to be echoing in her head over the years?
How long ago was this?
My dude, your family is right to disapprove of this abusive nightmare.
Even if you don't reconcile with them, please get out of this relationship. Once physical abuse is introduced, it doesn't ever leave.
Stay safe.
I have a lot of body image issues – I'm an almost 40 divorced, single mum who has rolls where there never used to be rolls….
….but, my partner is my biggest supporter. I get told every day that he loves my body. That my curves are delicious. That my chubby mum tum is sexy.
You deserve a man who thinks you're his queen and hypes you up.
It sounds like you are feeling neglected and unimportant in your relationship, and that it's impacting your academic performance. It's understandable that you are confused about your boyfriend's feelings for you, given that he doesn't seem to make as much effort as you do and often prioritizes other things over spending time with you.
It's important to remember that relationships should be a two-way street, where both partners put in effort and make each other feel valued. If you feel like you are always the one making plans and initiating contact, and that your boyfriend doesn't prioritize spending time with you, it may be time to reassess the relationship.
It's also concerning that your arguments often center around the fact that you feel like he isn't putting in as much effort as you are. It's not healthy for one partner to constantly feel like they are doing all the work in the relationship, and it's important to address this issue if you decide to stay in the relationship.
As for your boyfriend crying during arguments, it's possible that he is genuinely upset and emotional, but it's also possible that he is using it as a manipulation tactic to make you feel guilty or to avoid taking responsibility for his actions. It's important to have open and honest communication about how his crying makes you feel, and to set boundaries if necessary.
Ultimately, the decision to break up with your boyfriend is yours to make. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and academic success, and to be in a relationship where you feel valued and respected. If you feel like your current relationship isn't meeting those needs, it may be time to consider ending things.
I would for sure contact his mom/family and send your condolences. But I likely wouldn’t attend the funeral.
If my ex showed up to my dads funeral I’d have felt uncomfortable for sure.
He probably isn‘t „the standard“ himself?
Thanks a lot…I was starting to feel mean but its really the bare minimum, isn't it
Either have your affair or them out completely. There is no middle ground with an emotional affair.
Wow simply wow your partner says they have no sex drive and suddenly want to non-monogamy that is not a low libido that is a low libido for you.
They then have the audacity to tell you you need therapy for advocating your needs and concerns. If that is not gaslighting I don’t know what is. They are a shitty person partner. They need to grow the fuck up.
You are getting strung along they have made you a cuddle buddy paying for dates whilst they have sex with others. You are young don’t waste your time on shitty people.
The audacity is astounding move one my friend and be happy with people who want you not people who are full of shit.
Also, try more “female dominated” positions. I have vaginismus, so it hurts really bad even with lube. I hated “cowgirl” for a long time, mostly because I wasn’t confident, but I love it now. Use lots of lube. If you’re using condoms, try the “bareskin” type. But the most important thing is to check into couples counseling. Y’all need lots of it with your thoughts of cheating on her.
Ask him why he thinks it is ok to talk about his Mom like that. I would be interested in hearing his answer.
This stinks. Discussing this before leaving will undoubtedly cause an argument which makes cheating while you’re gone more likely. Maybe you could remind him how much you care for him and appreciate him before you leave.
This stinks. Discussing this before leaving will undoubtedly cause an argument which makes cheating while you’re gone more likely. Maybe you could remind him how much you care for him and appreciate him before you leave.
So first – report your car stolen. You did not give her permission to take it, so it is stolen.
If you want to be nice – send her message telling her that it is over – her abusive behaviour is not acceptable. Tell her she has 1 hour to return your car before you call the police to report it stolen.
If you have any contact information for her family (especially the relatives she might have gone to) send them that message as well to pass on.
This stinks. Discussing this before leaving will undoubtedly cause an argument which makes cheating while you’re gone more likely. Maybe you could remind him how much you care for him and appreciate him before you leave.
So first – report your car stolen. You did not give her permission to take it, so it is stolen.
If you want to be nice – send her message telling her that it is over – her abusive behaviour is not acceptable. Tell her she has 1 hour to return your car before you call the police to report it stolen.
If you have any contact information for her family (especially the relatives she might have gone to) send them that message as well to pass on.
You always have the option on staying with your family and not returning. Just make sure you pack everything essential.
Don't do anything that might lay out your plans before talking to a lawyer. Telling the douche's wife might get her to confront him, which would trigger him and your (future ex) wife to start deleting evidence that could help your case, and starting to sync made up stories to deny what's been happening.
There's so much information missing here.
Just for context: I once broke up with a partner because he was “just ten minutes” late. What he 'forgot' to tell was the fact that he was consistently always late for everything, which was something that really bothered me because I hate having my time be disrespected and being late to things.
So is that maybe something you do? And if it's not, when did you meet up last? Do you usually go to meet him or is he usually the one who comes to you? Who organizes dates? Is it usually him or you? Were you supposed to be at the restaurant at 7pm?
Clearly, your relationship didn't go to shit just because of this one thing, so context is really important here.
Sorry, Op. He cheated and he is probably still doing it, only hiding it better. If he is hooking up with randoms and you are still having sex with him. Please use condoms and please get a STD test.
Bruh.
A woman letting a dude snort coke off her tits in no way implies she was in a coke fuelled ORGY. You've taken one thought you don't like and taken it a further step ahead to make it sound even worse.
That comment already tells me how you feel about people who do drugs, especially women who might be prospective partners.
You know how shit like that actually happens, right? It's not like people meet up for a hook-up and start talking about all the weird shit they do. I mean, some people who are sexually open like that, but not everyone goes there. Sometimes they're in the moment and if they had been bonding that night over sharing some drugs on a night out and then decided to hook up, the question can be as simple as “hey, have you ever had someone take a line off your tits before?” and depending on if its a yes or no, or if it sounds interesting in that moment, they go ahead or not.
Not all of this stuff is a kink or stuff that is planned far ahead. It's usually a “shoot your shot” situation, and like I said, people like to experience things.
If people experiencing life in a way that is different from how you believe people should on-line life, even if they choose later that that life is not for them is enough to make you deeply insecure and see them as a depraved sex beast who's willing to get in orgies and do anything with anyone…
Like I said, you're not cut out for dating a city girl, lmao. People go to cities for opportunities, whether that's education, jobs, or experiences. The way people talk about cities is that its always going at all hours, and you can meet people from anywhere, and also the freaks, outcasts, and creatives, depending on where you hang out.
I'm not saying you'll never find a person who outright decided they don't like drugs and will never take drugs in a city, but judging everyone based on what they've done (past) not just what they're doing (present) will alienate you and make you very lonely.
She has done other questionable stuff such as making out with 3 guys at a club months into us going on dates
LOL
Well I do agree there . OP certainly needs to say no when she means no especially if she did in fact just work a 24 hour shift. I’ve worked many 24 hour shifts- hell I’ve worked a 36 hour shift and I’m a coal miner. So I know it’s tough. If anyone does believe me it’s me. She’s here for relationship advice though and this post is about as lopsided as they come. So to me it just sounds like she’s venting… which is fine, but don’t expect real and honest advice if all you got is “he’s the problem, I’m not and I don’t know what his problem with me is”. Cuz after 2 whole fucking years of dating someone she ought to be able to pick up on these things. Also- this post comes off as if OP has absolutely zero awareness or she’s playing dumb cuz I promise this ain’t the first time she’s been late or played dumb and it also ain’t the first time the boyfriend acted like an asshole.
You are worthy of love. That said it seems like you should do a bit of work on yourself before you are ready for a relationship. Do that work so you are able to fully commit yourself to a relationship
Don't think of it as a mindset, it is a deeply engrained believe, that she is not allowed to “cause trouble”.
It is basically like telling you, not to worry about a really basic every day rule, think like “Don't curse at your parents” and now imagine yourself doing that. Picture yourself telling your mom she is a worthless bitch for asking you to borrow her your car. (Or something that applies to you feeling like it is deeply disrespectful and not your place to refuse with a sprinkle of fear she would hurt you physically)
THAT is what it might feel like for your girlfriend. She can work towards letting gonof that feeling, but it probably doesn't help her to just demand boundaries.
Encourage her. Offer her to give you a sign if she needs (silent!) backup. Let her find a way to “not cause a scene” while still making her own position clear. Talk to her “we against the problem, not each other”. The problem isn't her not enforcing boundaries, it's her not feeling comfortable to do so and feeling even more pressured by you.
What can both of you do to make her more comfortable to reject people, to know she has the rightvto do so.
it could spark a war with your soon-to-be x.
This. This is a real concern.
You are dating a creep.
Your gf is showing abusive behavior besides just punching you. She stole your car, said awful things about your family, and is continuing trying to keep you estranged from them. So she just said she’d be back without giving you any time frame? Call the police! She probably went to some dudes house.
You’re 18. You don’t need to be dating a 26 year old who cannot communicate and gets irrationally angry. She needs therapy. You need to get out. 100% will only get worse.
There are a lot of nice girls out there, I promise.
So she was around 25 when you met and you one year older and she thinks you were celibate and virgin until then? She needs to get over herself and grow the fuck up and join us in 2023 and get out of 1950 and even then men and women had sex before marriage.
She needs help.
If you are asking all of these questions to see if your partner lied you should not be in a relationship with them.
I've tried to work on strategies to fix the problem, but she doesn't like it when it's planned out for whatever reason since to her it has to be spontaneous, and since it's not happening spontaneously I'm the problem which makes it very hot to approach
Wow you are horrible.
And ignorant.
I’m not gonna speculate on what occurred. But yes, I would be worried and would find this strange. The messages allude to a convo that was had that could potentially make her change her schedule…rather than accepting what she wrote in the message at face value. I’m no detective, although I wish I was, but I’d say there’s possibly enough evidence here to have a serious convo.
Hey, there’s no shame in that. Trust me, most people have been there! I was in your exact position once at your age. It’s very very hot to force yourself to move on, but it will be worth it. Our brains become attached to ppl and it’s really an addiction. Gotta think about it like you’re slowly weaning yourself off of a relationship/person.
Definitely eating more different meats and better cooked meals! I moved out of my parents (where I ended up after being left homeless last September) few weeks ago and been so happy with my independence and buying all the foods to cook awesome meals!
Also read up on narcissistic discard cycle and the games they play once their supply is cut off. You’ll be ready for it when it comes.
i think such a person could exist. i just dont think its realistic for me to find someone like that because i cannot make the first move due to social anxiety (diagnosed, im not trying to have a bs excuse) and i am a shorter than median (for my country) man with pretty bad acne. + not conventionally attractive. do women approach men? they do! do women approach men who arent socially deemed attractive? maybe? sometimes? i wouldnt call it common enough for it to be realistic for me to expect to happen before im in my 50’s or something.
It sounds like he truly understands that you're hurting because you lost a friend and that's a really good thing to have in a partner. Tell him how you feel and remind him that he's always first in your world, he wants to help and as long as you express clearly that you don't regret ending that relationship you will feel more comfortable in that conversation.
I think you should definitely tell her the truth when you have a chance since everything is still so new. You can consciously establish boundaries with her now so you can keep yourself on track if you feel like she’s special. I know it’s not easy with this type of issue, so definitely go easy on yourself a lil but I think having a mutual agreement of what’s ok and what’s not will help. Also if you’re seeing a therapist that’s always a plus, or you could start seeing one.
Tubal ligation prevents pregnancy in 99 out of 100 women for each year that they are sexually active. In other words, I’m struggling to understand why, at this point, a surgical procedure is necessary on you.
From your post, it doesn’t sound like you really understand why she wants you to undergo surgery, which is a really big piece of information to be missing. Have you asked her directly? If so, what did she say? I think the true answer to that question would be central to the mystery you’re experiencing here.
And sure, maybe your wife felt you pressured her into getting the tubal ligation. But her behavior now leads me to think, like you, that maybe this is just a proxy for a deeper issue. Like, maybe she didn’t feel supported during the pregnancy, there’s something missing from the emotional connection between the two of you, who knows.
Whatever it is, you two aren’t talking about it, which is why it didn’t show up in your post. That also might be why your discussions with your mutual therapists have diverged from their starting point. It’s just a hunch, but maybe you need to be thinking about communicating more.
One could always go with 'he had more responsibility in this since he was the one working with a fully developed frontal cortex'. But you both participated in the premature moving in and the believing that infatuation is true love. So you're maybe 50% responsible.
Thank you so much for this. You’ve comforted me so much? Ill take your advice to not text him first since he asked for the break and I should in turn take this as a time to work on myself. It just hurts sometimes since he also hasnt given me a timeframe of when the ‘break’ would end. Thank you again for giving me so much comfort
Did he feel differently towards you when you were first dating?
Well these things take time. Especially if you are in a conservative country. So either put up with it and try to ease her into these things or break up with her since you said you had nothing in common.
So did you shut him down when he kissed you on the cheek? How did you respond, or did it just make you uncomfortable and you didn't know how to respond?
When you met and fell in love, this had already happened. Since you have been together, you haven't cheated. So if she loved the person then, she should now. Good luck finding another 31 year old who has no sexual history. Not sure what she expects.
It might be that she is regretting not having more sexual partners in her life and taking it out on you because you had? Either way, I think you're right to give her space and let her deal with it.
In my opinion, couples only really work and stay together when each person feels like they are lucky to be with the other and choose them over anyone else. She needs to realize that again, because it seems like she is taking you for granted
You deserve better.
Let. Her. Go.
Son, you don’t want this shit. Trust me. Please.
Oh he removed it. Guess he didn’t like the ano
What a freakin' weirdo of a dude. None of this is okay.
Even in high school, the vast majority of people weren't a virgin. I never expected someone in college to be a virgin. Hell, I would expect someone to mention they were a virgin, instead of the opposite.
I don’t know exactly. I think he might be overthinking things but I’m not sure.
Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that. It doesn't seem very reciprocal.
Well if you’re going to continue to complain about all of that, then yes end it ? like seriously you have alot of complaints about a situation you put and kept yourself in at 32. I’m sorry, I’m just sayin ??♀️
I do sometimes wonder if he latched onto the successful life I was building for myself. He has an amazing life now, and it's because of the work I put into myself. He was sleeping with his dad on a mattress on the floor a while back. Damn it. There it is. Thank you.
This is going no where. Get rid of this mama's boy and find an independent man.
please this is cheaters 101 hand book. lie and deny. oh and gaslight somewhere in between!
It’s porn addiction.
We fantasize. It’s normal. This says nothing about his feelings for you. But. That’s my point of view. You don’t feel that way. You may be incompatible. You may need to move on and find someone who thinks like you do. I think it’s unrealistic to think anyone would only think about you when imagining sex. It’s really human to fantasize. The problem is that he’s unwilling to stop watching porn even though it hurts you. You need to think about that.
Ya, I think running from him is a good idea.
EXACTLY. I swear, half the posts in this sub are “I asked my partner how many people they slept with and now I'm upset.” Like??? Don't ask, don't tell – just make sure you have a clean bill of health. Would solve so many problems.
Thank you, yes I think I need to find a way to draw that boundary. I check in with her all the time about whether she's okay with me talking about things but maybe she doesn't realise it herself.
He won't. He's one of those people who used the promise of money and security to get you to move closer to him for his convenience.
You have a grad degree, you are smart and capable. You are not wrong for wanting to be cared for and making it clear. However, him cheating 3x and rescinding promises of marriage like its a threat is not the type of person you want to be tethered to. He likes the control aspect that's all.
I know this bc this sub helped me the other day with a guy who begged me to move in with him, then left me alone on his bday then twisted the situation that I was making his day about me when I asked why I wasn't invited. He also offered to support me until I found a job in his area and really it just meant I had to ask him for groceries and to go to the corner store for deodorant. It was 3 weeks and trust me you don't want to on-line that way even if he does have the money.
You will find a way to support yourself. Don't put up with his sick emotional games out of fear for security. He is not the one and doesn't deserve you. And if there are real sugar daddies out there. Its not him either…
He was angry because he was guilty. He knows what he is doing is wrong, but it’s worse for him if you did it because he understands how painful it is and the damage he is causing. He just doesn’t care he’s doing it to you.
It’s not good that he’s trying to limit your contact with anyone but him. It’s abuse 101. It actually sounds as if he’s more anxious than abusive but this isn’t healthy. You need to put your foot down. You need friends. You need to spend time with them without him texting or calling and asking you to come to him. If he can’t or won’t do that, break up. Seriously. I don’t really care much about why he’s controlling to this extent. The fact that he is makes this very much not acceptable. Control and keeping you away from anyone but him is abusive. It just is.
When you marry this will be your life all the time. You will never be valued and ran over and ignored. Believe me once you get married all of their attributes get far worse. If they’re nice then they’re super nice afterwards. If they’re mean they’ll be much meaner afterwards.
But what’s more troubling is your BF doesn’t care how they treat you and he won’t get better afterwards. He’ll get even worse and tell you to do as they say to avoid any arguments.
I couldn’t stay in that relationship and feel unwanted or to be dismissed by my SO who is supposed to stand up for you and protect you. He will always choose his parents over you.
He had a brain scan last year and blood tests. Nothing showed up.
So, I think this is just him now.
I think yesterday was my last hope…it was a shock to hear it I guess.
After a good sleep and this thread and my friends being amazing…I am ready to let it go and be happy.
Make a plan to leave. Find a trusted friend or family member that you can stay with. Start squirreling away your allowance. Start gathering important documents when you can and leave them with your trusted person.
On the day you plan to leave, open a new bank account, have your direct deposit set up to go there. You could do this the day after your direct deposit goes in, and have until the next pay check to switch your direct deposit over without him noticing.
Leave with only what you need. File for divorce. If you can afford an attorney, get one. If you can’t, just file anyway and save up to move to a new place.
You can do this.
I hope you can keep that negativity out of your life. Nothing pisses an ex off worse than seeing you prosper without them. We all deserve some happiness in this world! Best of luck OP
Carrying her out of bed? Like a baby?
RUN
Her mental health is not your job. She is her job.
If she says she's 17 forever you have the perfect out: sleeping with her will put you in jail.
Don’t ask questions if you can’t handle the truth.
Omg!!
See my other comment but now I’m 90% certain he has ADHD. This sounds like every partner of an ADDr ever. I know ADD is all the rage these days but it’s a real developmental disorder. It also mimics a lot of symptoms of childhood trauma, except it doesn’t get better when you treat the trauma.
If it’s ADD, you’ll likely benefit from a good pragmatic ADD coach/therapist for the rest of his life, the same way you’d both benefit from a guide dog to support his independence if he were blind.
His life isn’t just work and chores tho when he has 75% of the day to do whatever he cares too
I’ll definitely change my opinion if they are not showing any remorse and are just expecting me to overlook them and forgive them. If this is the case in OP’s case the more power to get and she should move on; if he is showing remorse and willingness to change or endure this won’t happen again then again I’d be willing to give one more chance.
Cheating is completely different thing at least to me. I see that as a personal betrayal and there’s no second chance in that. The drunk driving I see as a colossally stupid decision but one I’d be willing to forgive once as long as they show remorse and take steps to ensure it doesn’t happen again.
I’m not saying op is wrong in her decision. I mentioned before that a person has the right to end a relationship for any reason. I just stated what I’d do in the same situation.
I learned to much shit in college that I’ve either forgotten about or will probably mention again. Intelligence isn’t just learned in a 4 year college
On the other hand, I’m shocked at how callous he is about a kid dying in your ward and having no sympathy for you. That bothers me immensely.
This is really it.
That's not sleep walking, that is an excuse to abuse you.
She’s having an affair. Sorry dude.
Go to school. If you stay for your bf, you will regret it and probably resent him.
Why do you fear therapy?
It is super inappropriate for a high school teacher to date a former student. This could cost him his job and his reputation.
Thank you! Your advice really helps more than you think. If anything happens you will be the first to know. I don’t expect anything to happen for a long time though. But a major point in our time is coming up so there is a chance.
You were raped. Get help, and divorce this man that helped set up your rape.
Exactly. My fiancé and I started our relationship while I was in college 2.5hrs away from our hometown. My senior year, he moved to another state and I had to wait until graduation before moving there to be with him. Over six years later… ?
OP just needs to go with her gut and do what she thinks is best for her in the long term.
By 'traditional' do you mean you consider her your property that she should have your name?
You could have gone double barreled if you actually wanted everyone to have the same surnames but you didn't because you want everyone to have YOUR name.
She's clearly not interested.
If i were u, I'd let it go .
Thank you. People really don’t need to know.
Wow, so your husband allowed hos brother to rape you, because you wouldn’t have agreed to sleeping with the brother I presume so that makes it rape. Add a layer of pimping you out to his nerd brother with the sprinkles of waiting until you were drunk so you didn’t notice.
Wow.. I’m so sorry. He isn’t your husband. The idea he did this to other woman is sick. He is a sick sick individual.
I mean you are right in that your gf is acting like a complete nutcase.
If she can't accept your past, then so be it. There's nothing you can do anyway, I have also never heard of the term pre-cheating. It's just sex between 2 consenting single adults, there's all there is to it.
Your gf has nothing better to do in life, other than conjuring up weird theories and causing drama.
At least she is telling you this before marriage. And I'm sorry, but she is most likely having sex with this guy ….
Yeah you're right but I am actually doing what I like, doing research and I have a stable job that I can keep doing even if I move abroad. I have never seen immigration as a 'goal' but I don't mind discovering other countries. It's true that the political and economic situations in my country are not the best and that is why he chose to leave but once you secure a job that you like and that pays well I would say it is one of the best places to live! in
A LOT of drama exist in those groups, and I would take whatever is said in those groups with a HUGE grain of salt.
And yes, it is public
If she does respond she xan do it multiple times and even for long, right?
Not everyone stays on the phone/social medias all the time. She can do different things, and not watching her messages in meantime.
Holy shit, my jaw dropped to the floor reading this.
Your husband arranged to have his brother repeatedly rape you and he doesn't see what the big deal is?!? Please for the love of god do not stay married to this man.
This is shocking and horrifying. But for your sake I'm glad you found out before you had kids with this man. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please take care of yourself.
Take her back to the fancy doctor and get her evaluated for a Postpartum Mood Disorder. After a woman has a kid her hormones are still doing crazy things and I think it’s 20ish percent of women end up with Postpartum? It sounds like she is exhibiting a lot of the systems. Get her help now before things get any worse for all of you.
You gave 7 reasons to believe she is really in to you. Nothing you wrote would suggest otherwise.
What grade is this fellow in?
It's not hiding anything to keep your past in the past.
??? yeah she won't be getting over it for a very long time years, buckle up because you are going yo be on a road of distrust for 5-6 years maybe more.
To gain her trust you also need to stop thinking your 20years old anymore, stop going out and lads trips instead take your wife on a trip.
I hope she fucks someone you both know for four months and tells you your taking TOO long to get over it.
??♀️
Are YOU willing to alter your hormones? No? Then you shouldn’t expect someone else to
What he does post-breakup is not your concern. You guys are over so you have to start moving on. You wanted to date a responsible adult and he couldn't do that so you've gotta move on from him.
Honestly this sounds exhausting. Moving on and dating new people is very hot, but it's harder to keep trying to convince yourself you're with “Mr. Perfect”, who physically cannot (or will not) be around you. The makeup and hair thing, why are you sacrificing so much of what makes you you? That makes me so sad. Do your hair up, put on some awesome makeup, and go meet some new people!
I actually get not wanting to drive regardless of how much my partner has or hasn't worked.
As you said, the problem is that he is a useless POS.
I have the maturity and sense of scale to understand that it would be absolutely inappropriate to have my partner drive to see me after a 24-hour shift.
If work has me that ragged and I know I'm not going to have the energy to support my surgeon girlfriend that night, I'd stay home alone. Maybe even order some food to have it delivered to her place as a treat.
His behavior is worse than doing nothing.
Fess up. It will come out. When it does, he will be even more hurt and angry than he will be now. Time to put him first.
You cannot expect him to participate in any way shape or form if he’s told you he didn’t want kids. If you are choosing this baby then you cannot expect anything from him. I’m all for keeping the kid if that’s what YOU want but don’t go after him if you tell him you are pregnant and he does not want a child. Your relationship ended for a reason.
Why are you with someone that doesn’t like you?
Dump her. This is a dealbreaker level of irresponsibility and thoughtlessness on her part. Of course, you are angry at her, and you absolutely should be. “Waiting for the right time to tell you” is such horseshit. Anyone with half a brain would know that you needed that information ASAP, and “the right time” would have been immediately.
Crazy how it’s just “one bad bf” but most women I know have at least one experience with this type of man
So who was he trying to look pretty for on the work trip? I don’t know I think something is up. Any time my husband is away he is always trying to hurry home to me. Even when we have disagreements. He would never miss a flight especially to have dinner with someone else. College or not. He would of been by the gate ready to board with something to eat to take with him. Sounds fishy to me.
This kind of advice could and mostly likely would get her, and anyone in a situation like this, killed. Abusers don’t have a moment of “gosh I really need to change”
But Ive told him that I DO like having sex with him and enjoy all the other things we do but personally do not like getting fingered. I don’t think this justifies how he’s been acting though.
I agree that he is, and I’ve asked him to try and take a second to slow down and relax. Our bills are paid, our kids are healthy and happy, and we are in a position where we are fortunate enough to have time to replenish our savings and not have the threat of homelessness hovering over our heads as we are staying with my parents as I said to take care of them.
Agree this is pretty simple. Why hasn’t she / they had this discussion
So do you want to stay with her? Take the child with you? Take both of them with you? Just send money for the kid? Do you want to try and have a relationship with them? Or a relationship with her if there is no kid? These are the things you need to be clear of before you go opening a can of worms that you can’t close after.
Just stay out of each other's way. Sounds like it is going to be pretty amicable, and it's a shit situation both being stuck there, but not unusual, happens with a lot of couples. Does your place have another/spare bedroom? Would be great if you could at least have your own space a little.
Sounds like something is irritating his vagus nerve, like when he feels certain sensations. Someone mentioned mood altering substances. If this is not the case, then definitely see a doctor. Could be a heart condition too. It’s very hot to say on Reddit but definitely take him to the ER the next time it happens. My friend recently started vomiting randomly, can’t keep any food down and also has severe trouble swallowing. I’m gonna follow this post to see what happens. Hope you can keep us updated. I’m very worried for my friend too.
In this logic it would be then ok if he rapes you one night while you are sleeping “cause he finds you hot” or because “he was hesitant to ask you”? He obviously has consent and boundary issues- he doesn't care about consent. How do you know it hasn't already been leaked live!? People treat you like you allow them to treat you. If you let this go he will do it again. It's against the law to do this in some states and countries.
I'd be looking into the other people's suggestions. Check his cloud, look for hidden folders. On Android you can hide any album you like. Also most garbage cans can be opened and retrieved from within a month depending on settings. This is a massive breach of trust. What else has he filmed you doing without your consent?
No, hon, you asked for relationship advice. If you don't want strangers judging you for an anomoly like that, YOU are in the wrong group. Age difference = marked difference in priorities and stages of life, makes a HUUUGE impact upon relationship.
So it's relevant.
Welcome to reddit, where you don't get to display your immaturity by coming into a new place on the net and trying to create your own rules without consequence.
The irony is she accused him of controlling who she’s friend with when it’s her so called “BFF” controlling who she’s with. I wouldn’t be surprised if her last boyfriend went through the same thing.
Clubbing being the key word that you are missing
So… I've had this happen before. My now ex had a female friend that was actively shitting on me and hitting on my BF. But only AFTER he and I got together. I was like why don't I try to get to know her and meet her and she and I can be cool? She refused to meet me. I didn't tell my BF he couldn't hang out, but when they did she'd hit on him… but she kept calling me insecure after that and very clearly wanted his attention.
I was really hurt that I tried to actually befriend her and he then was on her side and calling me insecure. We eventually broke up and he blamed other things and my attitude about this girl. He tried to hit on her again because when he was with me she wanted his attention, but as soon as he was single and she could have been with him she was sick of it. She got her own bf and wanted nothing to do with him again.
My ex actually contacted me and told me as soon as she got a BF she completely cut him out of her life and didn't speak to him and wouldn't date him.
I feel bad for OP after having gone through that. Being called insecure and gaslit isn't fun
You need to sit down with her and say hey We need a conversation and we need to find a resolution to this problem we're having before anything is going forward anymore. You need to tell me exactly what you are looking for or wanting and I don't know will also work but we're not going to just end on that I don't know. I am not going to keep doing this stupid childish back and forth of aren't we or are we with you anymore because this is something I would expect from a third grade relationship. I want a relationship with you but if you're not ready at this moment I'm fine taking it slow with you but YOU'RE not going keep saying today I feel like you're my girlfriend so let's kiss and do things and then the next day say you know what I want to step back we're just friends Right now until I find it convenient for me to call you my girlfriend again. If you want to be friends right now and take it slow, we can do that right now and when we both feel like the relationship is at a good point that we can have another sit down conversation and discuss moving forward with this relationship, then we can discuss if we're girlfriend and girlfriend again.
I have a feeling maybe its because were gay and this is her first relationship with a woman?
It's completely fine if she's a little hesitant, but she needs to understand that she doesn't just get to decide when it's convenient for her to call you Her girlfriend. So you can just explain to her like hey I understand this is your first gay relationship but I'm not your toy, I'm not just some NPC waiting for you to finally bestow the title of girlfriend on to me and just take it whenever you feel like it with no consequences. If you're hesitant and you still need some time to work out your thoughts and feelings, that's completely okay and understandable and I will wait for you (if that's what you want) but that doesn't give you the right to play with my feelings and treat this relationship like a piece of clothing in your closet and you're deciding what to wear that day.
Do I tell her I can't date her because we can't kiss?
I wouldn't phrase it like that because from the story it doesn't feel like that's the issue you're having, I just phrase it as her thinking she can just call you her girlfriend whenever she feels like it's convenient to her is not okay.
The rest of the comment still applies to what i said – i didn’t have to quote the whole thing, but i sure could’ve. That’s not what cherry picking is.
I'm pretty sure that meant instead of him. You should have taken it off instead of him.
This doesn't really seem like anything to lose trust over. You're overreacting.
Disagree with number two, and here’s why.
Do you feel that a same sex friend might ever have a crisis that they need help with and that you need to prioritize in the short term?
She needs you for sex until she finds a new guy to do all those things with. You’re just a placeholder to her.
Don’t accept this!!
Whhat the fuuuuck !
If you guys stay together long term, a six year age gap is nothing. Nobody would question a 24 year old woman with a 30 year old guy. I think it’s wise of you to hear out the people around you telling you to be wary of the age gap in your relationship, but if there’s no issues with this the age gap shouldn’t be a deal breaker. Good luck hope it works out
We’re in Canada.
Agreed, his mom is being immature.
Yeah, it's better for him to think “even if they are not my biological kids, they are mine” As opposed to “are they even mine?”.
Dude my dad's in the 6 figures! Don't even let him stress you about this.
He doesn't get to just show up when it looks good for him. This is YOUR moment.
I'm queer. Speculating about other people's sexuality is something that should be off limits.
I told him I wanted to go to France in May and he thought it’d be a great idea. Now that it’s booked he’s mad.
His brother had an accident at his job and got in some legal trouble and ended up (wrongfully) in prison, there was a big court case which he and I worked on every night for 3 years. It triggered PTSD and OCD in my partner where he was too scared to do his own job in case it happened to him. He's gotten a bit better but can never go back to that job.
Not really in the first 5 years, but we only moved in together after 6 years and all the other stuff started happening which is when it became more obvious. I used to cook dinner every night during the first 2 years living together even though i was working full time. When he quit working he didn't make a single meal that i could eat for 1.5 years so I decided to stop doing that too.
OP I’m trying to message you but it’s not working. I’ve been in this position before. I’ve dated a handful of doctors. Two of my best friends are doctors. They are INCREDIBLY easy to find live!. Scarily easy, for their sake. If you’re not able to find them, that is a huge red flag.
If this guy is a tall ginger, please message me.
I love seeing a VPR reference out in the wild.