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You're not being selfish.
Your MIL & FIL have no right to badmouth you behind your back, and you shouldn't expect to have to put up with that from them. Tell your wife it's not YOU depriving them of their relationship with your child, it's their behavior about your race and how they might treat your child and what sort of racist behavior they might enact around her.
If they're racist around your child, they lose the right to be around the child. I personally think a child would have their growth stunted a lot less by having two grandparents who love them, instead of two loving and two who keep calling the child “Mommy's little N-word mistake” or whatever vile crap they'd probably spew.
This is something to put your foot down. It's not selfish to demand basic respect from your in-laws.
As an inexperienced 25-year-old, my behavior definitely sucked. Lying by omission sucks also. ESH
She was her guest, not yours. You just wanted to get back home and rest, you're not obliged to be cheerful all the time and entartain guests that YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WERE COMING. That's the key part, because if you did, you would be expected to be prepared at least a little bit, but it was just your wife's friend coming over, so let's just let them hang out. I don't understand why she's mad at you, you weren't rude, you weren't totaly silent, you asked what's up and even offered help in the kitchen.
Seems like you and your wife have a bit misaligned values, you should talk about that and come to some sort of a compromise.